The 13 Unlucky Rules of Supernatural Survival
I wrote this a while ago for kentawolf and her supernatural fan comic Encyclopedia of Wierdness which is made of total AWESOME if you haven't checked it out. Dean's POV.
The 13 Unlucky Rules of Supernatural Survival
1. If the lights flicker, drop everything and run the hell away. Ditto to the smell of sulfur, or static on your radio. DO NOT wait around wondering why, or loved ones will be wiping your stains off the floor for years to come.
2. If you see someone having trouble keeping their image in one place, DO NOT pick them up/hit on them/offer assistance/or do anything besides run, flailing your arms, in the other direction.
3. If you are the ghost/demon/evil thing’s TYPE--i.e. it likes petite blonds named Jo, you are a petite blond named Jo--DO NOT go after the thing. In fact, remove yourself from the continent as fast as you possibly can, screaming like 6-yr-old Sam being chased by a pack of clowns.
4. NEVER split me and Sam up. Just don’t. Seriously. Nothing good can come of it. If, however, it appears unavoidable, civilian chances of survival are much better if they stick with me. (Sorry Sam, it's kinda true.)
5. If you are a girl, just leave. Now. Before you get possessed, eaten, killed, and/or all of the above. I’m sure someone out there has survival statistics on females encountering supernatural beings, but the odds aint good.
6. Don’t buy creepy paintings/books/dolls/artifacts/etc. In fact, if it doesn’t come from Walmart, best not to buy anything at all.
7. Sleep with me-my women tend to survive relatively unscathed. Failing that, sleep with Sam-you’ll probably die horribly, but at least you’ll have slept with Sam.**
8. Lady cops/lawyers are our friends. If we have to tussle with any form of law enforcement with a trouser snake, odds are greatly diminished in our favor.
9. Always carry on your person: salt and/or goofa dust, iron knives, crosses, stakes, shotguns full of rock salt, holy water, a sticky note with the word “Christo” written on it (in case you forget), and pie. To bribe me with. (Sam is impervious to bribes, but if you ask nicely, he’ll crumple like a house of cards.)
10. Stay away from sinks. No, really. They’ll either drown you, eat your hand, tear out your insides/teeth with witch voodoo, or--if you’re really lucky and there’s a mirror above it--make your eyeballs explode. (Also, sometimes ghosts use them to beat up Sam.)
11. If someone tells you to pull over because they need to make a call, shoot them in the face
12. Never mess with my car, or I will fuck you up.
13. Trust in the platonic brotherly love (and/or the deus ex machina**) to save the day!
And now with bonus rule:
14. If your last name isn't Harvelle, Singer, or Winchester, you're an evil fuck if you're a hunter.***
*this rule is invisible. Sam thinks it's because i'm superstitious about the number 7. This is not true.
**See: Castiel
***(brought to you inadvertently by
chasingtides on the Support Group for the Kontantly Kripke'd 4.04 reaction post!)