The Epic Adventures of the Flying Lobster! [Nc17] J2
Title: The Epic Adventures of the Flying Lobster
Author: queenklu
Beta by:
shri_amato
word count: 1500+
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Jared/Jensen!!
Disclaimer: Ahahahaha you're joking, right? If this actually happened, I will let Sam and Dean out of their jar.
Spoilers: Set very beginning season one, NONE.
Summary: Something Jensen let slip is eating at Jared, but honestly? What else is new?
A/N Soooo....this is nothing i was supposed to be working on. *hands* Dedicated to Sophia, to whom the first half of this situation happened, and who i hope never ever discovers the existence of this fic. ILU SOPH <333
Kim isn't actually giving Jensen a hard time-they'd worked together on Dark Angel too, so it's not like Kim's actually thinking Jensen doesn't know the first thing about acting, but Jared doesn't know that.
"You can't just waltz on set, Ackles. You have to know everything about your character, how he sleeps, how he eats, what hair gel he uses, what his favorite sexual position is-"
And just as Jared's opening his mouth to tell Kim to back off, long legs eating up the distance to Jensen's side-because this is only the second episode and Jared doesn't know how Jensen will take it, but he does know damn well that Jensen can act circles around him-Jensen opens his mouth and shoots back, easy as you please:
"The Flying Lobster!"
Kim cracks up, and Jared's left there staring at Jensen like he's grown, uh...know what? Never mind. Because Jensen's just turned those insanely gorgeous eyes on him, crinkled at the corners he's beaming so hard, and Jared can't remember his middle name let alone why he was walking this way.
You are not here to make fuck buddies with a costar, he reminds his cock as it gives an interested twitch, Remember how well that went last time? And she wasn't even a guy.
"Hey Jared," Kim says, nodding his way without bothering to control his residual laughter, "Need you on set in ten, yeah?" And he takes off, leaving Jared in one of the very first awkward moments he's ever had with Jensen.
"Okay," he says, clearing his throat when he can, "obviously some weird inside joke."
"Nah, that's just Kim." Jensen's still smiling but it's a little less, and his fingers curl like he's wishing for something to do with his hands. And Jared's dick has way too many suggestions.
So it's completely understandable when he blurts out, "What's the Flying Lobster?"
Jensen laughs again, and it's the sweetest sound Jared's heard since he left Texas. "No idea. Come on, man, you know I make this shit up."
Jared nods and laughs and tries to let it go. Jesus Christ, Jensen's not that pretty. Anything called the Flying Lobster must be ridiculous looking anyway, and that coupled with Jensen's non-prettiness...
Fuck, who the hell is he kidding?
~
They just barely managed to hook up internet in his trailer the day before, so it takes a couple tries before Jared's laptop accepts the wireless network and gets Google on the screen. If he has to type in "Flying Lobster" three times because his hands don't seem to want to work, that's just because it's cold out.
The first link gets him to some sort of merchandise web page, and hell, in case his brain isn't good enough at supplying a visual, NOW it is. A couple other sites make him think maybe the Flying Lobster is actually a restaurant in Poland, or an airliner, which is...practically the same thing.
So he types in "flying lobster sexual position" and has to go scrub out his eyeballs with soap.
"Dude. That's just. Wrong," he shudders to himself as he stumbles from his trailer, dragging the heels of his hands over his eyes so hard that he nearly knocks Jensen to the ground when they collide. Not like that. Oh, christ.
"Whoa, watch it!" Jensen's voice isn't even annoyed. He's like an angel. Without wings and definitely without claws.
Jared gulps down something he doesn't want to think about as he blinks at Jensen's smile so damn close. They haven't moved away from each other yet? That's not really normal. Course, Jensen already thinks Jared's just grabby.
"Are you, uh, getting food?" Jensen asks, something that's almost a flush rising on his cheeks. Or Jared's just imagining anything to get his mind off the flying lobster.
"Yeah," Jared chokes, finally disentangling himself as he forces a really wide grin. "Gonna eat you under the table, too."
The absolute last thing he wants to do is eat after what he saw, but he's also kind of hoping to distract himself with food and Jensen and Sam and Dean until his memories get removed by...magic or that thing in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yeah. He can totally go with that. And while he’s at it, delete all feelings for Jensen that are anything other than thinking he's awesome in a totally platonic way.
"Dude." The hand that smacks against Jared's chest curls around his jacket and holds, so Jared spends valuable seconds staring at that instead of whatever made Jensen stop in his tracks. "Ohhh, that fucker. We are going to have so much fun."
Jared...he can't...
THE UNIVERSE HATES HIM.
"What do you think?" Jensen asks, practically bounding up to the food table, "Drop one of these bad boys in his sock drawer? Or do you think we could actually rig it so he walks under a building and we rain them from the sky?"
Jared stares morosely at the sad dead eyes of the crustaceans and thinks if he never sees another lobster it will be too soon.
~
Except, apparently, he can not let this go. He distinctly remembers telling his hands to check his email, not....
Oh fuck it. He knows his brain. And he's starting to know Jensen's brain. And maybe that doesn't mean anything but he has to know, or he'll just keep making up sexual positions in his head involving Jensen until he spontaneously combusts, and then there will be no show.
He's doing it for Kripke.
He hits up urbandictionary.com on the off chance that maybe that time doing Dark Angel warped Jensen's brain (he blames Jessica Alba, but so does, like, everyone) and gets zero hits on flying lobster. But when he types the words separately...
Lobster gets pretty much a bazillion hits, and none of them are what he's looking for. They refer to women with hot bodies and ugly faces, Australian dollar bills, and also a bizarre Friends reference that talks about the one true love you'll always come back to, no matter what. Jensen is none of these things. Okay, maybe one of these things. Or, he could be. Eventually. He can hope?
And then a word pops into his peripheral vision. And it's not his fault he clicks it.
"Lobster dick: n ~ When you jerk off so frequently your dick becomes permanently red, resembling the color of a lobster."
UH.
~
The only entry he can find for 'flying' is 'flying solo,' which does not help.
At all.
~
So of course he has to tell Jensen, because...alright, he may not be super fast on the uptake but even he can tell that keeping secrets from Jensen just doesn't happen, and if Jensen flat out asks him what's wrong and he's not prepared something a lot like this will come of out his mouth:
"I can't really stop thinking about you jerking off, want any help?"
Which has nothing to do with lobsters, or flying, unless you ask urbandictionary.com.
And Jared doesn't really think Jensen will call time out to look shit up on his way to the airport for the first flight to Iceland.
He figures his best plan is to do this fast, like a band aid, run in and tell him and bolt before either one of them knows what happened. So bursting into Jensen's trailer is definitely kosher with The Plan.
What is not kosher with The Plan is the noise Jensen makes when he scrambles up from the couch, startled and loud and backing up until his hips hit the wall and there's nowhere else to go, one hand on his belt and the other on...his...
"Lobster," Jared says, or tries to. What comes out is more along the lines of, "Lggnbah. Jensen." And only one of those is a word.
"Jay?" Jensen answers, strangled and high. He's only recently taken to calling Jared that, and it's really not fair to either of them how much he likes it. "Jesus, man." Jared can tell he wants to say something like 'Ever hear of privacy?' or a simple, 'Knock, moron,' but sees the exact instant Jensen can't. "Fuck."
Jared makes another noise that probably sounds needy, or retarded, or both. But he can't. Make. Words.
"Dude," Jensen says slowly, still completely on edge in every fucking way even though he's trying his hardest to joke. "Either lend a hand or get out."
Well, that's a no-brainer.
"Jared, Jared," Jensen gasps as Jared advances on him, pinning him against that wall with sheer height and size and fuck, Jared can smell him, the scent of Jensen and Jensen’s precome and god he's...he's...
"Monumentally bad idea," Jared announces when his hand's millimeters away from its destination, just about to close around the shaft of JensenJensenJensen, which is flushed but not angry red and--
"Well, yeah," Jensen breathes, and cants his hips up into Jared's touch.
They both shudder so hard Jared is sure they're going to shake a-fucking-part, his head falling until their lips are almost touching too. "Okay," he whispers, nodding shakily, "just as long as we're clear."
And then he kisses him.
Jensen is so totally his lobster.
THE END
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