the original Jacob Black
I ate too many chips and now I feel kind of queasy--also I have nothing to contribute to this day, as of yet--so how 'bout we do another of the Lais. Because no one can tell me Marie de France didn't write slashfiction now.
Once upon a time there was this newlywed couple, right. Well, apparently the husband--BFFs with the king--kept fucking off for three days of the week, every week, and no one had a clue where he was going or why, but he always came back super happy and smelling of the woods. Obvious conclusion: he's having an affair. But when the wife confronts him with her suspicions, he predictably says,
"No honeybabe, I would never cheat on you. I'm only gone so long because I am sekritly a WEREWOLF."
Yeaaaah.
So the guy tells his wife all about how he has to hide his human clothing in a super secret spot in the forest so that he can return to his human shape and not be stuck forever in the body of a wolf. This seems like a good idea at the time.
The wife is kinda skeeved out by the whole thing, though. I guess semi-bestiality just isn't her kink. Luckily for her she's got this knight who she's been stringing along for a while who also doesn't want her to sleep with her husband anymore. It's a win/win. He sneaks into the woods to steal the clothes, her husband is never heard from again, and the king is kind of sad that he lost such a good bro but whatever, and the wife marries the knight so they can live happily ever after. RIGHT? Wrong.
One day the king is hunting in the woods and he manages to track down a massive fucking wolf. Of course he does. And this wolf is like OH SHIT BRO PLEASE DON'T KILL ME and runs up to kiss the king on the feet with his wolfy widdle kisses. The king is, of course, impressed, and thinks to his fine self, "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE A BITCHIN PET? A FERAL GINORMOUS WOLF BEAST."
Yeaaaah.
It works out pretty well until it doesn't, as these things usually do. The knight who nicked (say it three times fast) our Wolfboy's clothing comes to the castle for a partay. The wolf sees his backstabbing ass and takes a chomp out of it. YOU MIGHT THINK this would be a CLUE that this critter is more Old Yeller: the Later Years than he is Benji, but in a miraculous show of handwaving, the court decides the KNIGHT MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO UPSET HIM. Which we know is true, but the court shouldn't, what the fuck do they know, he's a giant fucking wolf who attacks people for no apparent reason.
Anyhoo, the king decides to bring his direwolf to the knight's house to see if he can suss out what it is that's bugging his furry friend. (Idk, perhaps snacktime.) In a feat that should surprise NO ONE at this point, the wolf sees his not-quite-ex-wife and EATS HER NOSE.
HER NOSE. HE EATS IT. OFF HER FACE.
Still the court is all, "Noooooo he must've just been having a bad daaaaay maybe she rubbed her face in bacon fat i hear that wolves loooooove bacon." So sayeth also a truly miraculous wise man, who not only Knows Shit but Knows Shit No One Else Could Possibly Know, i.e. that the knight totes stole this werewolf's clothing and married his wife etc etc.
The king, because HAVING HER FUCKING NOSE RIPPED OFF IS NOT ENOUGH, tortures the wife until she spills the beans, and returns the clothing. They present it to the wolf, who is suddenly SHY ABOUT HIS MODESTY, and then the king puts clothing and wolf into his bedchambers so the wolf can revert to human form in peace.
Then--and this is my favoritest part, guys, so perk up:
On the king's royal bed, they see
Lying fast asleep, the knight.
The king ran to hug him tight;
he kissed him a hundred times that day.
When he catches his breath, he hands
him back all his fiefs and lands,
and more presents than I will say.
Awwwwwww yiss. And I know, medieval culture not necessarily homosexual I CANNOT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUNDS OF THIS KING KISSING A MAN BREATHLESS, LALALALA.
But in a turn that should surprise absolutely no one, the wife and her knight are banished, and many of her daughters were born without noses. Because Marie has a hater boner for women, and no concept of how biology works.
So the moral of the story is: Always have a long courtship, just in case you somehow miss the fact that your significant other is only around Monday through Thursday, and never the other three days of the week. Also, if your pet wolf ever eats someone's face, it's okay if it's the face of a ladygirl, as the wolf is just probably bitter about something.
And finally, all roads lead to gay snuggle kisses in the king's chamber. The end.
Right, going to get actual work done now. Orrrrr tumblr.
Once upon a time there was this newlywed couple, right. Well, apparently the husband--BFFs with the king--kept fucking off for three days of the week, every week, and no one had a clue where he was going or why, but he always came back super happy and smelling of the woods. Obvious conclusion: he's having an affair. But when the wife confronts him with her suspicions, he predictably says,
"No honeybabe, I would never cheat on you. I'm only gone so long because I am sekritly a WEREWOLF."
Yeaaaah.
So the guy tells his wife all about how he has to hide his human clothing in a super secret spot in the forest so that he can return to his human shape and not be stuck forever in the body of a wolf. This seems like a good idea at the time.
The wife is kinda skeeved out by the whole thing, though. I guess semi-bestiality just isn't her kink. Luckily for her she's got this knight who she's been stringing along for a while who also doesn't want her to sleep with her husband anymore. It's a win/win. He sneaks into the woods to steal the clothes, her husband is never heard from again, and the king is kind of sad that he lost such a good bro but whatever, and the wife marries the knight so they can live happily ever after. RIGHT? Wrong.
One day the king is hunting in the woods and he manages to track down a massive fucking wolf. Of course he does. And this wolf is like OH SHIT BRO PLEASE DON'T KILL ME and runs up to kiss the king on the feet with his wolfy widdle kisses. The king is, of course, impressed, and thinks to his fine self, "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE A BITCHIN PET? A FERAL GINORMOUS WOLF BEAST."
Yeaaaah.
It works out pretty well until it doesn't, as these things usually do. The knight who nicked (say it three times fast) our Wolfboy's clothing comes to the castle for a partay. The wolf sees his backstabbing ass and takes a chomp out of it. YOU MIGHT THINK this would be a CLUE that this critter is more Old Yeller: the Later Years than he is Benji, but in a miraculous show of handwaving, the court decides the KNIGHT MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO UPSET HIM. Which we know is true, but the court shouldn't, what the fuck do they know, he's a giant fucking wolf who attacks people for no apparent reason.
Anyhoo, the king decides to bring his direwolf to the knight's house to see if he can suss out what it is that's bugging his furry friend. (Idk, perhaps snacktime.) In a feat that should surprise NO ONE at this point, the wolf sees his not-quite-ex-wife and EATS HER NOSE.
HER NOSE. HE EATS IT. OFF HER FACE.
Still the court is all, "Noooooo he must've just been having a bad daaaaay maybe she rubbed her face in bacon fat i hear that wolves loooooove bacon." So sayeth also a truly miraculous wise man, who not only Knows Shit but Knows Shit No One Else Could Possibly Know, i.e. that the knight totes stole this werewolf's clothing and married his wife etc etc.
The king, because HAVING HER FUCKING NOSE RIPPED OFF IS NOT ENOUGH, tortures the wife until she spills the beans, and returns the clothing. They present it to the wolf, who is suddenly SHY ABOUT HIS MODESTY, and then the king puts clothing and wolf into his bedchambers so the wolf can revert to human form in peace.
Then--and this is my favoritest part, guys, so perk up:
On the king's royal bed, they see
Lying fast asleep, the knight.
The king ran to hug him tight;
he kissed him a hundred times that day.
When he catches his breath, he hands
him back all his fiefs and lands,
and more presents than I will say.
Awwwwwww yiss. And I know, medieval culture not necessarily homosexual I CANNOT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUNDS OF THIS KING KISSING A MAN BREATHLESS, LALALALA.
But in a turn that should surprise absolutely no one, the wife and her knight are banished, and many of her daughters were born without noses. Because Marie has a hater boner for women, and no concept of how biology works.
So the moral of the story is: Always have a long courtship, just in case you somehow miss the fact that your significant other is only around Monday through Thursday, and never the other three days of the week. Also, if your pet wolf ever eats someone's face, it's okay if it's the face of a ladygirl, as the wolf is just probably bitter about something.
And finally, all roads lead to gay snuggle kisses in the king's chamber. The end.
Right, going to get actual work done now. Orrrrr tumblr.