5 Ways That Blonde Chick Got That Really Mysterious Kickass Knife
Title: 5 Ways That Blonde Chick Got That Really Mysterious Kickass Knife
Author: quarterwhore
Pairing: Gen
Rating: PG
WARNING: Pure crack. And gross overuse of clichés. Minor 3.01 spoiler- the blonde chick's name. (Yes, she does have one!)
1) The one where she is visited by a divine goddess.
Ruby was sleeping in her canopy bed when suddenly she was awakened from her slumber by a flash of light. The bright light faded to reveal an elegantly dressed woman that seemed to have a glowing aura. Her blond hair fell to her waist and she had light blue eyes the color of the sky. Her eyes even changed colors so that when it was raining outside, she had grey eyes to match. But even when the weather was cloudy, the woman had a sunny smile.
“Who’s there?” Ruby demanded.
“It is I, child,” said the magical woman. “I am the goddess of the Sues. And I have chosen you, Ruby, for a special quest. Are you prepared?”
“Yes,” Ruby said bravely. She was a very brave girl and laughed in the face of danger.
“Then I have these three gifts to bestow… First, the magical blow drier. This blow drier will leave your hair sleek and shiny and ready for battle.” The blow drier appeared out of thin air and Ruby took it. “Second: the holy push up bra. Your foes will drop to their knees when faces with your exposed cleavage.” Suddenly, the bra appeared underneath Ruby’s shirt.
“Wow, no wires!” Ruby exclaimed, examining the cleavage bursting from her low cut top.
“And third… the most important gift of all. The Knife of the Sues. This knife can slay any enemy, even the immortal. Use it wisely. The fate of the Mary Sues rests in your manicured hands.”
“What is my mission, O goddess?” Ruby asked.
The goddess’s eyes glowed in the dim light. “World domination.”
2) The one where she time travels and pulls it out of a stone a la King Arthur.
“Whoever can pull this knife from the stone will be the ruler of England!” the man announced to the crowd. The people formed a circle around the stone with the knife stuck in the middle of it.
“How’d you get the knife in the stone in the first place?” asked a peasant. But before they could discuss this engineering marvel, there was an explosion of glitter and a woman appeared in go-go boots and a mini-skirt.
“Stupid glitter,” she muttered. “It’s the herpes of craft supplies.” Then in a louder voice, she addressed the crowd. “I have come to claim what is rightfully mine!” she shouted. She walked over to the stone and grabbed the knife by its hilt. There was a beam of light and angelic music as she pulled the knife smoothly out of the stone.
The crowd gasped in awe.
“Who are you?” the peasant asked.
“I’m the girl that pulled this really mysterious kickass knife out of a stone,” she said cryptically. And with another explosion of glitter, she vanished, leaving a crapload of glitter and sequins in her wake.
3) The one where it has been passed down for generations through her family, since Ruby is descended from the royal family of Atlantis.
“Ruby,” said her mother. “I have a gift for you before you depart to the surface.”
“Is it a car?” Ruby asked.
“No,” her mother answered. She handed Ruby the knife. “This knife was passed down to me by my mother, and her mother, and her mother before that. It is a legacy of the Sue women. As a princess of Atlantis, you have a responsibility to carry on that legacy on the surface. It's your destiny, Ruby.”
There was a beat of silence. “But I wanted a car,” Ruby said.
4) The one where she forged it in the fires of Mount Doom.
The world is changed. It is in the water. It is in the earth. It is in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Great Knives. But one knife was forged in secret by Ruby, deep in the fires of Mount Doom.
“This place is scorching hot… just like me!” Ruby said. “It’s the perfect place to forge a magical knife.” She forged the knife from sugar, spice, and everything nice, the ingredients which, when combined, could vanquish anything.
“ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!!!1!1!!one!!eleven!!1!!” Ruby proclaimed, her voice echoing throughout the mountain.
5) The one where she bought it on Ebay.
“Priceless magical artifact” read the description on the Ebay page. There was a picture of a jewel encrusted knife with engravings on it next to the description.
“Oooh,” said Ruby. “Shiiiiny!”
She bid $5 and refreshed the page. There was another bid for $5.01. “Oh, IT’S ON BITCH,” Ruby said angrily. In defiance of the unknown bidder, she bid $10 and refreshed the page. The bidding closed at midnight, so for hours Ruby sat at her computer and refreshed the page and rebid on the priceless knife.
It turns out the knife wasn’t priceless- it had a very reasonable price of $19.74. The knife arrived a few days later in the mail, and in mere seconds Ruby was a master at wielding the artifact. The knife fit in her palm perfectly, and she was one with her weapon. Because the knife has a soul, man. In fact, the knife and the Impala are soulmates. True love is in the air, ya'll. Impala/Knife 4eva!
But you already read all this on the spoiler websites, didn’t you.
End.
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