FF: Outside Looking In
Title: Outside Looking In
Category: Angst
Disclaimer: I do not own The West Wing or any West Wing characters.
Rating: G
Notes: Companion piece to " Inside Looking Out." Set during the long estrangement. Remember, since this is told from Donna's perspective, she is taking on more than her fair share of the blame. Thanks to
caz963 for being my beta again!
Don’t it always seem to go,
That you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone…
Joni Mitchell was playing on the radio again this morning. It never fails to amaze you how the universe can find new ways to torture you. It doesn’t make sense that you can work beside him all day and still miss him as desperately as you did when you wouldn’t see him for weeks. He has carefully built a wall around himself that you cannot bypass, cannot infiltrate… or perhaps it was always there, but you had been on the inside so you never noticed.
You were right to leave. Needed to leave. But it wasn’t until it was too late that you realized that he didn’t have a problem with you seeking new employment. He had a problem with you leaving him. Unlike you, he could separate the two in his mind. You left the job and you left him. And he had every right to be angry about the second one.
You could have called him. You should have called him, even. That’s what friends do. Just a simple “Hi. I miss your voice.” would have done. Granted, there was nothing keeping him from picking up the phone, but if he had you would have just assumed he was trying to get you to come back. You both knew you had left him no other reason to call. Because you had basically ended your friendship that day by denying its existence.
“You should be with me. You're with the wrong campaign.”
The worst part was that you weren’t expelled from inside his wall when you left him with an empty desk and a stranger in your place. For months, he kept waiting for you to come back to him- letting you see what he was thinking and feeling- when he had no reason to trust you at all. It was only after you pushed him away too hard that he, finally, gave up on you.
Your perversity was astounding. You were finally on the same campaign… finally in the same room and all you did was pick a fight. He was so frustrated and frustrating and you lost your cool. But it wasn’t like you were trying to keep a level head. You had real grievances… or so you thought… and you were going to have your say. And all you succeeded in doing was driving him away. Perhaps for good.
"You knew I wasn't supporting him. Me, your mentor in professional politics."
He had stumbled a bit over the word “mentor” during that argument. He wouldn’t describe himself as your friend, though it was clear he wanted to. He saw that door as closed and so settled for the next best thing. On the campaign trail, he had been amiable but, you now realized, he hadn’t acted like an old work buddy. He was the teacher watching his protégée step out on her own. And you had mocked him over it and thrown Will in his face. Repeatedly. Because you didn’t realize how he saw you.
“And if you think I don't miss you every day…”
He had told you outright how he felt, but you still hadn’t gotten it. He missed you… the woman he joked with and explained things to, not because she didn’t understand, but because he liked to explain things and she liked to let him. He asked you what you thought about everything because he honestly and truly valued your opinion. But somehow you had pushed all that to a dusty corner of your mind. All you knew was that he didn’t see you as a professional career woman.
Well, the joke’s on you, because that’s exactly the way he treats you now. He tells you what he needs from you and praises you when you’ve done a good job. You are a trusted advisor and a valued employee… but that is all. He turns to Leo, the Congressman, even Lou when he needs to hash out some political strategy. You have no idea how his mother is, what he thinks about Toby or his views on a million other topics that suddenly seem too personal to be inquiring about.
Darkness only stays at nighttime.
In the morning it will fade away.
But something happened today. Something so small you didn’t even realize it until you sat alone on the staircase with your fried wontons and actually thought about it. You had been so worried about him and what the idiots of the Democratic party would try to do to him, that you hadn’t realized that he was leaning on you for support. He didn’t tell you what was on his mind like he would have before, but he let you fuss. It was as if keeping you out was too difficult while he battled the machinators and opportunists. Maybe tomorrow things will return to that horrible status quo but, for the first time, you have a shred of hope that they won’t.
Daylight is good at arriving at the right time.
It’s not always going to be this grey…
Forget the radio. When you get home, you’re going put on the Beatles album he gave you one Christmas. You think that song might actually be about surviving the end of a love affair. But your relationship could never be classified as a love affair. Not really. You just circled each other until you both grew dizzy and fell down. But you got back up again and it looked like he had, too.
You’re not worried about what this all means any more or what might or might not happen. Because you get it now. He’s more important to you than any job and it’s okay to admit that. It doesn’t make you weak. It wasn’t the way you felt for him that was the crime. Your crime was that you were ashamed of it. You will never make that mistake again. You’re stronger now. Smarter. You just want to be on the inside again. You won’t take it for granted this time.
All things must pass.
All things must pass away.
He’ll see that eventually. And then he’ll let you in.
___________________________________________
Quotation List from (in order of appearance):
1) Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi” Hits
2) Opposition Research
3) The Al Smith Dinner
4) The Ticket
5) The Beatles “All Things Must Pass” The Beatles Anthology 3
6) The Beatles “All Things Must Pass” The Beatles Anthology 3
7) The Beatles “All Things Must Pass” The Beatles Anthology 3
Thanks to the Political Affairs website for the episode transcripts.
Category: Angst
Disclaimer: I do not own The West Wing or any West Wing characters.
Rating: G
Notes: Companion piece to " Inside Looking Out." Set during the long estrangement. Remember, since this is told from Donna's perspective, she is taking on more than her fair share of the blame. Thanks to
caz963 for being my beta again!
Don’t it always seem to go,
That you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone…
Joni Mitchell was playing on the radio again this morning. It never fails to amaze you how the universe can find new ways to torture you. It doesn’t make sense that you can work beside him all day and still miss him as desperately as you did when you wouldn’t see him for weeks. He has carefully built a wall around himself that you cannot bypass, cannot infiltrate… or perhaps it was always there, but you had been on the inside so you never noticed.
You were right to leave. Needed to leave. But it wasn’t until it was too late that you realized that he didn’t have a problem with you seeking new employment. He had a problem with you leaving him. Unlike you, he could separate the two in his mind. You left the job and you left him. And he had every right to be angry about the second one.
You could have called him. You should have called him, even. That’s what friends do. Just a simple “Hi. I miss your voice.” would have done. Granted, there was nothing keeping him from picking up the phone, but if he had you would have just assumed he was trying to get you to come back. You both knew you had left him no other reason to call. Because you had basically ended your friendship that day by denying its existence.
“You should be with me. You're with the wrong campaign.”
The worst part was that you weren’t expelled from inside his wall when you left him with an empty desk and a stranger in your place. For months, he kept waiting for you to come back to him- letting you see what he was thinking and feeling- when he had no reason to trust you at all. It was only after you pushed him away too hard that he, finally, gave up on you.
Your perversity was astounding. You were finally on the same campaign… finally in the same room and all you did was pick a fight. He was so frustrated and frustrating and you lost your cool. But it wasn’t like you were trying to keep a level head. You had real grievances… or so you thought… and you were going to have your say. And all you succeeded in doing was driving him away. Perhaps for good.
"You knew I wasn't supporting him. Me, your mentor in professional politics."
He had stumbled a bit over the word “mentor” during that argument. He wouldn’t describe himself as your friend, though it was clear he wanted to. He saw that door as closed and so settled for the next best thing. On the campaign trail, he had been amiable but, you now realized, he hadn’t acted like an old work buddy. He was the teacher watching his protégée step out on her own. And you had mocked him over it and thrown Will in his face. Repeatedly. Because you didn’t realize how he saw you.
“And if you think I don't miss you every day…”
He had told you outright how he felt, but you still hadn’t gotten it. He missed you… the woman he joked with and explained things to, not because she didn’t understand, but because he liked to explain things and she liked to let him. He asked you what you thought about everything because he honestly and truly valued your opinion. But somehow you had pushed all that to a dusty corner of your mind. All you knew was that he didn’t see you as a professional career woman.
Well, the joke’s on you, because that’s exactly the way he treats you now. He tells you what he needs from you and praises you when you’ve done a good job. You are a trusted advisor and a valued employee… but that is all. He turns to Leo, the Congressman, even Lou when he needs to hash out some political strategy. You have no idea how his mother is, what he thinks about Toby or his views on a million other topics that suddenly seem too personal to be inquiring about.
Darkness only stays at nighttime.
In the morning it will fade away.
But something happened today. Something so small you didn’t even realize it until you sat alone on the staircase with your fried wontons and actually thought about it. You had been so worried about him and what the idiots of the Democratic party would try to do to him, that you hadn’t realized that he was leaning on you for support. He didn’t tell you what was on his mind like he would have before, but he let you fuss. It was as if keeping you out was too difficult while he battled the machinators and opportunists. Maybe tomorrow things will return to that horrible status quo but, for the first time, you have a shred of hope that they won’t.
Daylight is good at arriving at the right time.
It’s not always going to be this grey…
Forget the radio. When you get home, you’re going put on the Beatles album he gave you one Christmas. You think that song might actually be about surviving the end of a love affair. But your relationship could never be classified as a love affair. Not really. You just circled each other until you both grew dizzy and fell down. But you got back up again and it looked like he had, too.
You’re not worried about what this all means any more or what might or might not happen. Because you get it now. He’s more important to you than any job and it’s okay to admit that. It doesn’t make you weak. It wasn’t the way you felt for him that was the crime. Your crime was that you were ashamed of it. You will never make that mistake again. You’re stronger now. Smarter. You just want to be on the inside again. You won’t take it for granted this time.
All things must pass.
All things must pass away.
He’ll see that eventually. And then he’ll let you in.
___________________________________________
Quotation List from (in order of appearance):
1) Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi” Hits
2) Opposition Research
3) The Al Smith Dinner
4) The Ticket
5) The Beatles “All Things Must Pass” The Beatles Anthology 3
6) The Beatles “All Things Must Pass” The Beatles Anthology 3
7) The Beatles “All Things Must Pass” The Beatles Anthology 3
Thanks to the Political Affairs website for the episode transcripts.