through the den of horrors
...or, how i survived my very first double endoscopy, by qthewetsprocket.
so, it wasn't as bad as i'd feared. not pleasant in the least, but still, not as horrific as my imagination would make it out to be. the uber-laxative wasn't even as big a pain as i'd heard, probably because i put it in the freezer right before i drank it. and there was no cramping that made me feel like i was being pulled inside out, which was a huge plus. to be honest, the low-fiber diet two days previously was almost a worse ordeal: i happened to be at whole foods in portland, whose deli i know i can count on for the sort of lovely variety of vegetable dishes that i can't find in vancouver. i tell you, i nearly cried walking back and forth along the length of the deli display, looking at all the nice yummy food i couldn't have. when i go back there next week i am going to PIG. big time.
by far the worst part of the whole experience was the worrying. i was never that worried about whatever the tests might reveal, and i'm still not - more that something would go wrong and the doctors would injure me during the procedure. this is, unfortunately, not an altogether unfounded paranoia, as most of the lingering health problems i've got can be traced to doctor error or clumsiness (tmj from a wisdom tooth surgery; interstitial cycstitis from a catheter; a molar with its nerve exposed from a botched filling, etc etc etc).
anyway. i arrived at the clinic early thanks to medical transort having to pick me up an hour before my check-in time, so i had plenty of time to sit and fret. when it was finally my turn to go in they took me to a room that looked like a hospital ward from the 1950's: a bunch of partitioned spaces each holding a bed. while i sat there waiting i tried to cheer myself up with the observation that everyone was in a very good mood, and looked happy to be working there and with each other. that's a good sign, surely? i also tried to remember that it was everyone's job here to keep me alive, and that helped me stay at least a little calm.
the phlebotomist was very friendly, very tired, and very young. and while she delivered the line i most dread hearing from one of the vampire brigade (ooh, your veins are tiny, aren't they?), she did manage to get the iv in without too much pain and poking.
once they wheeled me into the procedure room i was further encouraged by all the monitoring equipment on display. the way the gi doctor had described it, it sounded like there would only be one nurse there visually checking to make sure i wasn't dead yet. but there were lots of nurses, and a bp cuff, and a heartrate monitor, and some sweet sweet oxygen to make sure i kept breathing.
when the doctor asked if i had any questions, i said, 'yes. tell me the truth - do you guys call this a 'finger prison' procedure when you think the patients can't hear?' one of the nurses laughed, but the doctor didn't get the joke. so i figured if he's that socially inept he must be really good at his job, right? anyway, he told me they called it a 'double dip', which made me think of ice cream and added to the overall zen.
then i reminded the doctor that he'd promised to use a pediatric scope on me, which was lucky because one of the nurses was just putting together a normal one. i also told him i was a real lightweight when it came to medication, and then proceeded to definitely prove it: i yelped 'wow, i felt that!' when the meds first hit, and the nurse assured me that it was normal to feel a light burning at first. i said 'okay', turned back to watch the monitor...and woke up a few hours later, vaguely confused and holding a half-empty bottle of water in my hand.
i don't remember getting dressed, although i must have done it at some point. i do remember feeling pressured to get up and start moving before i really felt like it - the bed was soft and nice, and my legs were weak and wobbly. the nurse told me i could go home now. i said okay...and didn't move. the nurse finally had to say 'get up', and like that was the missing piece of information my brain had been seeking, my limbs finally began to move. i do remember asking for another bottle of water since the cap for the one i was holding had somehow vanished.
i don't recall walking out to the car with the medical transport driver, and only sort of remember dozing groggily while she chattered at me during the drive home. i kind of remember walking into my apartment and making a beeline for my bed, vaguely noticing the driver chatting with our apartment complex's maintenance lady, and thinking that was a good thing because said maintenance lady was supposed to check on me later. then i was asleep.
i woke up briefly when said maintenance lady came to check i was still breathing, then later on when she brought me some apple juice. i stayed awake for a while, napped again, then watched the american life on mars remake and was up until 3am because my sleep cycle was flummoxed.
side effects: it hurts when i swallow, burp, or turn my head to the left, which i vaguely seem to remember happened with the upper scope i had last year. hope that goes away soonest. and i'm still a little unsteady on my feet, but again, hopefully after a while that too shall pass. i suspect the lingering sleepiness has more to do with the massive sleep debt i've been building up over the last few weeks instead of the drugs. hope so, anyway. oh, and i now have several speckled red stripes running from my left shoulder to my elbow where the blood pressure cuff squeezed the bejeezus out of me, because the capillaries in my skin are wussy little bitches. blah.
preliminary results: both scopes were supposedly normal, with biopsies done to check for celiac sprue and microscopic colitis. which is both good and bad news, in a way: good because there was nothing clearly hideously wrong, but bad because they still don't know exactly what's causing all this nonsense.
anyway. for now i've just got to deal with the lingering afterpains of having two massive garden hoses shoved where nature never intended them to go, as well as the paranoia that the lower scope gave me appendicitis (the appendicial juncture looked a bit swollen). in the meantime, until i get the test results back, i am making it my own personal mission to hunt down, kill, and consume every doughnut, cookie, pastry, bread, pie crust, and chocolate birthday cake that comes within my grasp.
Q
also, many thanks to my f'list for, you know, saying it sucks that i'm poorly and hoping i get better soon. i really, really agree. :)