John Simm - The Locksmith - a picspam, part three
yeah, yeah, i know...finally. here at last is the third and final installment; i hope it was worth the wait. (here's part one and part two, just in case you missed them) i will warn you, though - i've done my best to funny it up, i really have; but it's still depressing as all holy befuggery. you have been warned. oh, and certain bits are probably NSFW. :)
Part Three
So, it's the last lap of this magical mystery tour. When last we left Paul and Roland, a cop had almost noticed Paul and rescued him, but was prevented from doing so by his own COLOSSAL STOOPIDITY. Then there was some boring subplot crap about Roland's brain-damaged wife being a bitch to their daughter Alice, yeah yeah, yadda yadda yadda; don't really care. Back to the pretty Simm!bondage.
The next time we see Paul and Roland after the cop leaves, it's morning. Paul has been tied up on Roland's floor all night. I shall leave it to the viewer's own individual kinks imaginations to decide what they were doing for all those hours.
Wakey wakey, Sunshine!
Roland makes a passable attempt at having a conscience and tries to feed Paul some breakfast.
Mmm, cold porridge - oh yeah, that's much better than a heroin fix, isn't it Paul? Come on, open wide...
"...NOM?"
PUH-TOOIE! Paul DOES NOT WANT. Surprisingly, an entire night spent tied up and handcuffed on the floor jonesing for a heroin fix has made him just a little bit cranky and uncooperative. He spits out the porridge and mocks Roland right up in his big old porridge-eatin' face.
Grrr! Hulk mad! Roland sez, 'he who disses mah porridge shall wear it instead, bee-yotch!'
SPLOOSH! Right in the ear.
...What?? Milk baths are very good for the skin.
Knock knock! Who's there? Someone's at the door again. Jesus H. Dawg, this guy's got more visitors than the Queen. Anyway, you know what someone at Roland's door means...
...Cue Gagging number four. And Gods forbid we should ever miss out on anyone's own special fetish here; we actually get a bit of begging with this one.
"Aw no, no, please! I won't say anything; I won't say anything, Sir, please..."
...Why do I get the feeling that ever since this production, it's been strictly Puffs and Kleenex at the Simm household?
Roland: "This time I'm handing you over. I've had enough."
Paul: (thinking) YOU'VE had enough, you porridge-eating bastard?? *unprintable language beneath the gag*
HA! Okay, this pic makes me LOL...mainly because, after being gagged at least five times with God knows how many retakes, I suspect that very little acting was required for this particular expression.
"...They want to do the porridge scene again??? For God's sake, someone call my agent! Forget that; someone call the RSPCA!"*
*Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Actors
So Roland answers the door, and admits a right little ray of sunshine into the story: his daughter Alice who just escaped from a high school drama class.
(Note: to be fair to Alice, it'd be hard to notice anyone else's acting skillz with Simm in the room. Plus her actress was very young at the time, and I'm sure she did the best she could with the lines she was given (oy vey). But she only seemed to have two settings in these scenes: SNARKY and ANGRY, and she usually had them both going on at the same time. The resulting one-note performance really shows how flat and undimensional Paul could have been in the hands of a less skillful actor.)
Anyway, Alice enters the den, and gets a good look the young man responsible for turning her mother into a raving lunatic bitch from hell. And thank heavens the sight of him moaning, sweating and writhing in his bonds isn't at all suggestive in any way.
Oh, come ON...they're just taking the piss at this point, aren't they?
Ah, the actor's life...tied up on the floor, gagged, basking in the afterglow of a free milk bath...glamour, man.
Young sweaty Simm in bondage gets no quarter from Alice, however. She finally brings some common sense to the proceedings, and tells Roland that he's the one who'll probably go to jail now for imprisonment and torture - not Paul. Roland sez, " ...oops."
Paul listens to them discuss his fate, while John Simm looks hawtter than any mortal human being has any right to look with a hanky in their mouth and porridge in their hair.
Alice questions Paul. But he's going to have a harder job lying to her, as she is far less inclined to believe his bullshit than Roland was.
He gives it a good try, though. He starts off with the puppyface...
...followed up with a beautiful lie-your-ass-off face. "I'm not a druggie, honest - I'm an earner. I only robbed your house to pay a debt."
"...Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
"Not a druggie. Yep. Right. Have a playful cat at home, do you? Diabetic, are you?"
...Busted!
Alice clearly doesn't believe him. And by now, Paul's actually getting pretty tired of the whole 'question and answer' game himself. He tells her some of the truth, and some of what he thinks she wants to hear...
...with a good dose of creepy smarm thrown in...
...and finishes up with outright mockery. Alice doesn't see the funny side of it. Time to slap the Hobbit!
SMACKO! (...oh bless him, he's doing a Sam Tyler face there...*meep*)
...And that is IT - that's the last straw. Paul has had ENOUGH of being tied up on the floor all night, jonesing for a fix, being creepily man-cuddled by Roland, and getting slapped and badly acted-at by Alice. He finally snaps and makes good on his earlier threat of screaming...
...in spades.
...which earns him some more quality time with Mister Gag. (Gagging number five, for those keeping score at home)
Anyway, Alice goes into the kitchen and finds some insect spray, while Paul - exhausted from the screaming fit - has a little lie-down. You know...just to make a change from the little lie-down he's been having all night. Alice comes back from the kitchen and prepares to give him the business.
*wonders something indelicate, and tries to find a polite way to phrase it*
*...and then realizes there isn't one*
Er...I wonder if there were any stirrings from the little Simm in this scene? I mean, think about it: you're all tied up on the floor with a girl sitting on you, crotch-to-crotch, all her weight centered right on your happy place...I'm just sayin'.
*ahem* Anyway. Right. Back to the hideously depressing story.
Alice shouts at Paul some more, but at this point he's too worn out from all the lying and the screaming to really pay that much attention. Which makes her even angrier (ANGRY, remember? Alice setting #1. And SNARKY.) So she takes the bug spray, and gives Paul a firsthand demonstration of the improper use of propellants.
Paul and his lungs: DO NOT WANT.
...Oops.
OH NOES! Roland goes over and gropes Paul's tits a little to make sure he's dead. He is. Roland and Alice then spend some time trying to mentally justify what they've just done. They can't, really...so they wrap Paul up in a roll of carpet, like a giant druggie Hobbit burrito, and throw him down an abandoned well.
"Fucker...that'll teach him to act circles around us! Anyway, as long as we're killing stuff...I could murder a curry. You?"
THE END
...As if! No way in HELL am I ending this thing on such a depressing note. So here, to wash the utter bleakness out of your mind, are some random images that made me giggle inappropriately:
*policeman rings the doorbell* "Oi! Hot Fuzz! Piss off, we're cuddling here!"
"Okay, people, we'll take an hour for lunch...John, you'll be fine right there, right?"
"Aw Christ, man...Roland...kick me or whip me or do whatever you like; just don't sit next to me after you've eaten a load of sprouts!" *coughgagchoke*
"Kiss me, you fool!"
...Maybe Roland will let Paul go if he does his very best kewpie doll impression?
'Aw...fuckin' hell, guys...forget the smack, could someone come over here and scratch my nose?'
"I swear to God, mate - Philip Glenister - this long!"
And finally, to end this massive epic picspam on a very happy note, here are some images that made me giggle even more inappropriately: those of you who've seen the Doctor Who 'Last of the Time Lords' Confidential may remember that John Simm - bless him - has a slight tendency to mix up his 'pain' face with his 'ohGod YES don'tstop!' face. So let us all take a moment to bask in the pervy loveliness, as our minds gently do the backstroke through the gutter...
*sigh*
"...oh..."
"...oh..."
"...oh God yes! HARDER Guv!...er...I mean, Roland...!"
"...ahhh."
Q
so...was it good for you, too?