[Kai_Victoria] Give Me Your Heart, PG-13, Oneshot
Pairing: Victoria Song Qian x Kai Kim Jongin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, AU!, Romance
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine but the writing.
Summary: This is a story of chance; they live in a world in which Kai is seriously sick and Victoria is extremely twisted, but none of this matters because what really makes the difference is how Kai grows out of it and Victoria... well, you could say she found her own way out, too.
Warning: This was written during the span of 11pm-3am in the morning and has not been beta'd, therefore, it will be full of a lot of nonsense and a load of grammatical errors. I apologize deeply in advanced!
Just outside of the hospital is where they meet for the first time.
Victoria is playing with a grayish black kitten that couldn’t have been more than a few weeks old under the shadow of a large tree and Kai is passing by, clad in his patient outfit with a nurse straying around not too far off in the distance from him.
When she looks up, her eyes are met with dark and curious ones.
“Yes?” Victoria asks, wondering why the boy is shamelessly staring at her without a single word in explanation of his presence.
Kai just smiles and squats down to poke the kitten on its side rib. “It’s cute.”
It’s probably the innocence in his smile that breaks down the exterior barricade that Victoria puts up against the rest of the world. She’s not wearing a patient gown, nor does she look sick, and so Kai just assumes she’s a visitor of some sort in the hospital.
“Is it yours?” Kai asks.
Victoria stands up, dusting her hands together. “It’s yours now.”
“But I can’t--”
Before he can finish his sentence, Victoria roughly lifts the kitten in her hands and walks up to the large tree. She climbs several branches up and places the kitten at a suitable height-- high enough for it to have trouble getting down, but not high enough for it to die if it tried.
“What are you doing?” Kai says, without even thinking.
Victoria smirks at him, one leg crossed over the other. She rests her chin in on palm, her elbow on her knee for support. “If you don’t take it, I’ll just leave it here and hope it gets discovered and rescued.”
“That’s abuse,” Kai accuses.
Laughing, Victoria jumps off of the branch and starts walking off. When she finally reaches the hospital doors, she turns around to find Kai attempting to climb the tree as his nurse profusely lectures him about how dangerous it is.
Kim Jongin was the name the tag on his wrist read when he reached out to pet the kitten. It was the name that Victoria attached to his face from that day on.
Of all the things that Victoria thinks about during the day, sleeping is of the most prominent thought she has on her mind. Unfortunately, she has never been very good at sleeping.
“I’m going on a walk,” she says aloud, to no one in particular. The room is large, and very much empty; there’s not much she can pack into a room as such, anyways.
As she enters into the hallway, there are a few nurses traveling from here to there. Not much is going on, but she supposes that is more good news than bad in an extremely busy hospital--- no news is good news, right?
It takes a bit of asking around to find out where Kim Jongin is located.
In all honesty, Kai isn’t exactly surprised when Victoria curiously pops her head into his door one day. He’s seen her around; watched her walk around with a stoic expression, observed how she likes to disturb some nurses during their work.
One time, he even noticed Victoria digging a small bush of flowers out of the ground and scooting the remnants aside, the dirt spilling all over the bricks. Kai only knows this because she was not too far off outside of his room in the gardening center.
Hers was a face that was hard to forget.
“Where’s my cat?” Victoria asks tauntingly.
Kai glances around, shifting uncomfortably in his whitewashed bed. “I told you I couldn’t keep it.”
“Oh,” Victoria shrugs. “So, you must be pretty sick, huh?”
“You could say that,” Kai mutters. He lowers his magazine onto the table beside his bed and straightens up against the wall. “How about you?”
Victoria smirks, inviting herself into the room. She walks over to the window, hands behind her back, and peers outside. “I’ve got an incurable disease.”
“What kind?” Kai wonders aloud.
“You see, I’m actually fifty years old but my body doesn’t age.”
Kai breaks into a small chuckle. “That’s a lie.”
“Fine, you caught me.” Victoria rolls her eyes dramatically, striding to his bedside and smiling brightly down at him. “I’m actually ten, but my body ages two times faster than that of a normal person’s.”
He looks her dead in the eyes, curious, unbelieving.
Victoria just shrugs.
“Are you really a patient here?”
It is a genuine question, asked in a voice so genuine that Victoria cannot even look the boy in the eyes anymore. She says, “I don’t consider myself a patient; they don’t treat me, nor do they cure me. I’m kind of just stuck here.”
“Why are you here then?” He wonders.
Her smile fades, turning her head to the side so that she can glance outside of the vast windows once again. “You know,” she says, taking a deep breath, “that is a question I’ve asked myself every single day, for the past four years of my life.”
The next time Victoria has the leisure time to visit Kai, she’s forced to stand a good distance outside of the room. From what she saw, Kai was strapped down on the bed, IV needle stabbed into his arm and oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose.
His eyes were closed, but she could see his lips mouthing words, which then produced condensation in his oxygen mask.
“Is he alright?” Victoria asks a nurse that rushes out of the room.
The nurse thins her lips, giving Victoria a doubtful look before hurrying away to the storage room just down the hall.
Being an opportunist made Victoria a sharp person; she sneaks towards the door and takes the noted files placed at the bin hanging on the patient room door. Quickly flipping through the pages, she searches for the origin of Kai’s suffering.
Congenital Heart Disease.
Stealthily, Victoria places the documents back in their bin and steps aside, back against the wall. His condition had been much worse than she expected, but what exactly did she expect to begin with? Nothing, to be honest.
Having practically grown up in this hospital, Victoria had long forgotten how to have great expectations.
She stays until the doctors begin to slow down their pace, nurses following suit by sighing in relief, and everyone slowly files out of the room one by one. Judging by how nervous and intent the medical team was on saving him, she could tell he must have been someone of importance.
Either that, or everyone just really liked him. He was very likeable.
When she leaves, it is Jongin’s peacefully sleeping face that she remembers.
“What are your dreams?”
Victoria pauses in the middle of obnoxiously chewing on her bubble gum and blows a large bubble with it, large round eyes dancing around in thought. Jongin smiles at how childish she looks at the moment. “I have none.”
“Impossible.” Jongin deadpans.
“Well then, what are your dreams?” Victoria retorts.
They stare into each others eyes for a moment, until Jongin breaks away his gaze and clears his throat. Victoria just laughs and pops another piece of gum into her mouth, tossing the now stale and tasteless piece into the nearest garbage can that is full of her trash.
“You must have a lot of dreams,” she comments offhandedly.
Jongin shakes his head. “Actually, I’ve always wanted to do some kind of sport, or even dancing.”
“Dancing?” Victoria repeats, eyebrows furrowed. “Why?”
He smiles in turn, supporting the back of his head with both hands as he leans backwards. “Well, because of my health issues I’ve never been able to dance or play sports.”
“You’d make a good dancer,” Victoria nods.
“Why do you say that?” Jongin asks.
Victoria seriously observes his face, head tilted to the side. Jongin mimics her, tilting his head in alignment with Victoria’s. “Because you’re good looking. Young girls would fawn over you and die at the mercy of your feet.”
Jongin blushes profusely. Victoria laughs.
This is about how the days they decide to spend together go. Casually, comfortably; albeit, they occasionally experience minor interruptions, but those doesn’t matter too much.
Unconsciously, they grow a strong bond that neither of them intended to in the beginning. Ultimately, it is what comes to tear them apart.
They are both sick people-- each to their own degree.
On her bad days, Victoria tries not to meet with Jongin. Boys though, they don’t always get the hint.
“You’ll get hurt if you do that,” Jongin warns her cautiously, holding Victoria back by the wrist. She glares into his eyes, the anger in them clouding her judgment.
Unable to find it in him to let go, Jongin just stares right back.
“I can’t let you continue what you’re doing knowing exactly what the result of it will be,” he tells her, voice firm. His hold isn’t strong and it only gets weaker over time, but Victoria refrains from reacting too violently in fear that she might injure him.
“Let go.” She repeats.
Jongin shakes his head.
“I’m just testing my own blood,” Victoria irritably grits through her teeth. “Nothing will happen.”
“You don’t test your blood by cutting yourself,” Jongin stresses. “Why don’t you just let the professionals do that for you?”
Victoria scoffs. “The last time I asked the doctor’s to do anything for me, they called my guardian and I had the worst lecture of my life.”
“It must not have been good for you then,” Jongin deadpans again.
Fed up with his attitude, Victoria flings his grasp off and stalks off. Jongin wants to follow, but his legs give way and he falls to the ground, heaving for air.
Never before has he ever hated his own illness as much as he does now.
“Let me see your arm,” Jongin demands.
Victoria has been avoiding him for days now, but he managed to find her at the bottom floor of the large flight of stairs just off her favorite section of the hospital. “No,” she grumbles, not lifting a single finger in opposition to his sudden appearance.
“Why don’t you listen?” He sighs exasperatedly.
She just tears her head away in the other direction, refusing to look Jongin in the eyes when he finally reaches her side.
Cold hands reach out to hers and Jongin lifts the sleeve of her jacket to reveal the scars on her bare arm. “What else did you do?” Jongin gasps, trailing his fingers over the seemingly burnt wounds tainting her skin.
Victoria tries to retract her limb from his hold, but he keeps a firm grasp.
“Did you burn yourself?!”
“No,” Victoria monotonously replies again, hissing when he pokes one of her scabbing scars.
Jongin sighs again, removing the small bag off of his back and taking out a travel sized first aid box. Unamused, Victoria props her elbow on her knee and rests her chin on her palm, counting the seconds it takes for Jongin to bandage her.
If he could, Jongin thinks, he wants to fix her. But who was he kidding?
“They say I’ll need a heart transplant,” Jongin tells her, breaking the silence. “If not, they don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stall my health.”
For the first time in days, Jongin is finally able to see her beautiful eyes stare into his again.
“Can you make a promise to me?” Jongin asks.
Victoria shifts her gaze downwards when she feels Jongin intertwining his fingers into hers. “What kind of promise?” She asks in turn.
“Promise not to hide from me again.”
She stays still when Jongin wraps his arms around her, pressing their lips together in a way that was both sweet and warm all at once. This was a type of affection Victoria never wanted-- she didn’t have the right to love, nor did she have the energy to care.
Jongin though... he was a little different from what she’s seen in the past.
“Tell you what,” Victoria whispers against his lips, both hands now on his knees. Jongin is looking straight into her eyes, cheeks burning. “If you can fully give me your heart, I will give mine to you unconditionally.”
And before Jongin can say anything, Victoria leans forward and kisses him again, more intense than before, more intimate than before.
Victoria has always known that she was a horrible person; kissing Jongin just made her feel like that much more sick of a person than she ever did before.
Staying true to her words, Victoria stops avoiding Jongin. It doesn’t mean she begins to treat him any better, though.
“You don’t smile much anymore.” Jongin comments one afternoon.
Victoria lets Jongin take her hand into his and pull her closer at the waist. HIs warmth, the feeling of his chest against her back, it all felt so horribly good. “Who could smile knowing that their friend is going to die soon?”
Jongin is a little speechless, but he forces a smile of his own and leans his chin on the curve of her shoulder. “I’m just a friend?”
“Are you not going to deny you’re close to your time?” Victoria asks.
It’s like an invisible needle that Victoria pokes into his flesh; every word stabs it deeper inside and the pain doesn’t become any less scathing over time. “I won’t die,” he tells her.
“You can’t promise that.” Victoria deadpans.
Jongin bites down on his lip, his arms tightening around her waist as he pulls her closer still. His lips flutter across the skin of her neck, one arm sliding down the length of her leg and back up. Her breath hitches, her body growing weak.
“You’re a horrible liar.” Victoria gasps when he spins her around and runs one hand up the back of the inside of her shirt.
This is mostly as far as they go, because Jongin’s condition does not permit him to have any intense exertion of his body, even if he really wants to.”I never said otherwise,” he retorts, tongue darting across her bottom lip.
She throws herself into his arms, her ear against his chest. There’s a heart in there and it is beating-- weak, but beating. “Why would you allow yourself to love, knowing you can’t promise them a future?”
“But I can,” Jongin laughs. “You have the entire rest of my lifetime. Isn’t that future enough?”
“And after you die? What will I do then?” Victoria asks.
Jongin pauses for a three count, his hands soothingly caressing her back. “I’ve never been selfish before in my life. You taught me how to be selfish, so I guess you have to pay the price for it.”
It’s answer enough, so Victoria drops the subject and comfortably lays in his arms. They both fall asleep like that, in peace and in assurance, but when Jongin wakes up, Victoria is already gone and his hands are cold again.
Jongin has always hated having cold hands.
Every time Victoria is gone, Jongin somehow always knows exactly where to find her.
One afternoon, the nurses consecutively ask Jongin if he’s seen her. No one can find her and everyone is panicking.
“She has to do a lab test today,” one of the nurses explain. “Qian always hates it because it hurts so much, but she’s never hidden from us before.”
Jongin nervously bites down on his lip. For one, it is his first time hearing her real name. Second, he can finally be certain that she’s a patient in this hospital. “What type of lab is it?”
The nurse tears her eyes away from his, glancing around frantically. “She requested that everything about her must be kept a secret, especially from you.”
He’s furious to say the least. “I’ll help look for her.”
Jongin finds her within minutes; Victoria has tucked herself against a doorframe on the ground, head hidden under her arms between her knees.
“The nurses are looking for you.”
Victoria does not respond. Seeing that she doesn’t budge, Jongin walks the rest of the way towards her and squats down on the floor. While he extends a hand towards her, he notices a bandage on her arm that he hadn’t seen before.
“What’s this?” He asks, gently resting a hand over the bandage.
She finally wakes up from her nap and blinks up at him, eyes dreary and skin eerily pale. “What are you doing here?” Victoria mumbles under her breath.
Jongin brushes her hair out of her eyes and momentarily forgets about his anger. “What happened to your arm?” He repeats.
“Nothing.” Victoria groans. She stretches her back and takes a moment to observe the surroundings. “What time is it?”
“The nurses are still looking for you,” Jongin tells her. “They’re really worried.”
Victoria shrugs. “I told them that I can’t do the lab today but they wouldn’t listen. My only choice was to hide.”
“You can’t hide forever,” Jongin shakes his head helplessly. Sitting down facing her, he leans in for a closer inspection of her arm. “Did you do a blood test?”
She scrunches up her nose. “It’s much more painful than just a blood test.”
“Is this why you can’t do your lab test?” Jongin wants to know.
Victoria nods. “I have to let my body rejuvenate for a full two days before they can extract anything else away from me; they said that my health wouldn’t be able to handle two different testings at the same time.”
“Why didn’t you just tell them that?” He furrows his eyebrows.
“Because I can’t,” Victoria explains. “I can’t let them know I did this experiment, or else they’ll tell my guardian.”
Jongin chuckles. “You look and sound like a little kid stealing candy.”
Relieved that Jongin is finally a little distracted, Victoria reaches forward and steals a kiss from him. “Close enough.”
He then extends a hand to the back of her neck and pulls her back in for another kiss.
Two wrongs don’t make a right; two sick people do not make one healthy combination. Even so, the two of them are happy together. That’s all that matters in the end, right?
Hours, days, weeks roll by and before either of them know it, it’s been a year since the first time that they met. It is both a good and a bad thing, but they mostly remember the happy memories and try to forget the small fights that occur between them.
Victoria still only refers to him as a friend, but Jongin has learned to accept it.
Jongin introduces her to his so-called buddies as his girlfriend, and Victoria has since learned to let him do as he wishes.
They’ve both learned how to accustom themselves to the other and it’s hard, but they both find it worth it in the end.
“Happy One Year Anniversary.” Jongin grins, running his hands down her long, wavy locks.
Victoria smiles back at him before planting a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Happy One Year Anniversary to you, too.”
To the two of them, one year is an extremely long time. They were lucky to have had that year together, so they don’t ask for much anymore. It’s brutally obvious that Jongin is gradually growing weaker by the day, and so they try to spend as much time together as they possibly can.
“Do you have any dreams now?” Jongin asks curiously, holding Victoria close in his arms. They are snuggling warmly on a small couch, the smell of lavenders and honey lingering from her hair in his hold.
Victoria purses her lips. “Can’t say that I do.”
It’d be a lie if Jongin said he wasn’t the least bit disappointed by her reply.
“How about you? Have your dreams changed?”
Jongin leans his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes. “I want to get married and build a family of my own,” he says. He weaves his fingers into hers, enjoying every second that they spend together as though it may be their last.
“That’s so typical,” Victoria says disapprovingly. “I like your dreams of being a sportsman or a performer more.”
“I like this one best,” Jongin replies stubbornly. “I just want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Victoria can’t hide the sad smile that invades her lips. “Maybe that’s not such a far-fetched dream after all.”
“You think?” Jongin laughs.
She doesn’t say anything, but Jongin knows she’s silently admitting her statement. Afterall, Victoria never said anything that she didn’t mean.
Days later, Jongin is finally sent into the intensive care unit. When they wheel him out of the surgery room, Victoria has already lost control of most of her tears.
All she can do is walk beside his bed, following them back to his room. Two elders appear hours later; she later discovers them to be his parents.
“We’ve heard about your little relationship,” Jongin’s mother confesses. “I guess we owe it to you that our son is still alive after all this time.”
“He had motivation to live even before he met me,” Victoria replies respectfully. “I haven’t done anything for him at all.”
Jongin’s father gives her a pat on the back, a weak smile gracing his words. “No, you’ve definitely played the biggest part in his strive to continue living. He was so hopeless before he met you; it was only after the two of you began dating that he told us how much he wanted to stay alive.”
“We’ve always been so focused on working to provide for his medical bills that we neglected him and were not able to stay by his side,” Jongin’s mother regrettably sighs. “That’s why we’re so grateful that you were able to take our place.”
“But look at him now,” Victoria scoffs, choking on her breath. “What good have I done?”
Both of Jongin’s parents glance at each other briefly before Jongin’s mother gives her a deep hug. “Honey, Jongin wouldn’t even be here today if it weren’t for you.”
After hearing those words, Victoria’s determination becomes much more prevalent than before. If she was reason enough for Jongin to survive until now, she would make sure that she’s the reason Jongin would continue living happily for forever.
Jongin remains in the state of a coma for a good two weeks until they finally find a suitable transplant donor for him. During that time period, Victoria and his parents stay beside him religiously, afraid to leave him for a single moment.
As time for his final surgery gets closer, Victoria begins to distance herself from him more.
What if the surgery failed? What if Jongin really dies, and leaves the world for good?
If Jongin was allowed to be selfish, then so should Victoria.
The surgery is strenuous and the doctor’s sweat buckets throughout the course of the entire procedure. Hours and hours pass and Jongin’s parents sit outside of the surgery room, tears streaming down their faces.
Finally, the light to the sign over the door flicks off and the doctors and nurses file out one by one. The first doctor that exits the room greets Jongin’s parents politely, a wide grin on his face.
“I’m very happy to tell you that the transplant was extremely successful. He should wake up within the next two days; although he may not be able to leave for a considerable period of time, you can rest assured that hopefully you will no longer have to worry about heart failure again.”
The two elders hug each other tightly, releasing all the tears of worry and frustration all at once. Their first instinct was to see their son; their second instinct was to tell Victoria. It was only now that they realized how long it’s been since the last time they had seen her.
“Have you seen Victoria recently?” Mrs. Kim asks a familiar looking nurse.
The nurse blinks into her eyes with an emotion that Mrs. Kim cannot read, something in between confusion and sadness, and shakes her head. “I’m afraid to say she’s no longer with us.”
“Was she transferred?” Mrs. Kim asked.
With a forced smile, the nurse says. “I guess you could say that.”
The first person Jongin asks for when he wakes up is Victoria. He strongly remembers, during his coma, hearing Victoria speak to him; her words were weird and, to be honest, most of it was unclear to him, but it sounded very much like goodbye.
“We haven’t seen her for a good month now,” his mom explains. “Judging from what the nurses say, she may have been transferred to another hospital.”
Jongin frowns, hands weak, legs powerless. “That’s impossible. She’s been here for years; she wouldn’t just leave.”
“But Jongin--”
“We have to find her,” Jongin cries, almost pleading. “Please, we have to find her.”
It hurt so much to see their son in so much pain; at this rate, even if Jongin did not die of heart failure, it seemed as though he was about to die of heartbreak. Why? Why couldn’t their son live a life of less troubles?
“We’ll look,” Jongin’s father promises. “Don’t worry Jongin, we’ll find her for you.”
There’s a gut feeling in him that says they won’t be able to find Victoria. Perhaps it was whatever she had said to him that one day, or maybe it was the way she’s disappeared for over a month and has not returned.
Like the nurses have said before, Victoria often disliked many things but she doesn’t run away from them.
Jongin tilts his head towards the side facing the wall, refusing to let his parents see the tears that threaten to spill from his eyes. Victoria was the one who showed Jongin all the things in life he hadn’t seen before-- she showered him with love, in all the ways he hadn’t known.
Even if it took a long time for Victoria to accept him as her own, she loved him with a genuine heart after resting assured that she had his.
If she would come back to him, Jongin would go through all of his pain a second time even if only to die in the end.
When Jongin is finally returned to his usual patient room, the first thing he sees is a medium sized gift box sitting on his bed. His heart stops for a second, a thousand words combusting in his mind.
“That--”
Before his father can complete his phrase, Jongin stumbles towards the bed and pries the box open. Inside of it is a collection of photos, as well as a drawing of Jongin playing with the kitten that Victoria had on the very first day that they met.
The photos are all solely of Jongin; not a single one includes herself in them. She must have taken the photos when Jongin wasn’t paying attention, because he doesn’t recognize any of the instances that he sees.
A tears slips from his eye uncontrollably, gliding down his cheek to moisten the drawing sitting in his lap. Jongin goes through the box of drawings and photos one by one until he reaches the bottom, where an envelope lies.
Could this be goodbye?
Jongin hesitates, his fingers trailing over the envelope time and again until he takes it into his hands and reads the letter inside. It reads,
I met your parents and they are just as wonderful as you told me they were. They said that you were able to live so long because of me, but I don’t think they understand that you were able to persevere because of your own strength and determination, and not because of my existence. You once told me that since I was the one who taught you how to be selfish, I had to pay the price for it. I also taught you about death, so now I have to take responsibility for that too, right? For every moment that I’ve spent with you, I was given an ounce of happiness and hope. Up until the moment I decided I’d received too much from you, you never stopped teaching me how to love. For the span of time we were able to spend together, you gave me your heart with no hesitation and now, after you have taught me how to give my heart to you unconditionally, I’m going to be a good student and return the favor. You know what you have to do right, Jongin? You have to take responsibility and take very good care of my heart. I am now a part of you that you will never be able to get rid of, you know that right?
You’ve asked me a lot of times about my illness, but I’ve never wanted to tell. You’ve asked me a lot of times about my family, but I always refused to answer. Even now, I'm not going to let you know but it’s for the best; it’s better that you don’t know who I am or how ill my mind and body are. Just know that not a single part of my body or mind used to be healthy until I met you; of all the inner turmoil that happened within my body, you were able to cure my heart. Please understand why I don’t want to tell you more.
I want to thank you, Jongin. I know I’ve never addressed you by your name but that's because I was afraid of too many things that come with such a close tie to reality but this time, just this last time, I’ll be selfish. Thank you for loving me and teaching me how to love you back. There will be a girl out there who won’t need you to teach her how to love you because she'll already know-- when you find her, you have to love her a hundred times more than how much you loved me because she’s actually worth it. It won’t take long, I promise, and when you find her, I’ll be smiling, too; please, don’t ever forget my smile. My brightest smile is a smile that you must show every day, alright? Promise me. Promise me you’ll never stop smiling.
Never stop believing.
Your beloved Song Qian.
-----
A/N: Sorry for the angst... I can't even remember which song inspired this anymore to be honest, but I have been craving Kaitoria for the longest time and I don't understand why no one out there really writes them ;A; WRITE THEM!!! (Please? :D) To those anticipating the ending of Let Life Do The Rest: I'm sorry for the wait! It's coming soon, I swear! I'm just trying to make everything fit into this last chapter so I don't have to split it into two without making it seem too rushed~ I love you all! Thank you!
And just out of curiosity: I have a Himchan/Victoria, Yongguk/Victoria, Luhan/Victoria, and, even though I don't really ship Kristoria much anymore, Kris/Victoria fic(s) in the works... which one would you guys prefer to see first? ^_^
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, AU!, Romance
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine but the writing.
Summary: This is a story of chance; they live in a world in which Kai is seriously sick and Victoria is extremely twisted, but none of this matters because what really makes the difference is how Kai grows out of it and Victoria... well, you could say she found her own way out, too.
Warning: This was written during the span of 11pm-3am in the morning and has not been beta'd, therefore, it will be full of a lot of nonsense and a load of grammatical errors. I apologize deeply in advanced!
Just outside of the hospital is where they meet for the first time.
Victoria is playing with a grayish black kitten that couldn’t have been more than a few weeks old under the shadow of a large tree and Kai is passing by, clad in his patient outfit with a nurse straying around not too far off in the distance from him.
When she looks up, her eyes are met with dark and curious ones.
“Yes?” Victoria asks, wondering why the boy is shamelessly staring at her without a single word in explanation of his presence.
Kai just smiles and squats down to poke the kitten on its side rib. “It’s cute.”
It’s probably the innocence in his smile that breaks down the exterior barricade that Victoria puts up against the rest of the world. She’s not wearing a patient gown, nor does she look sick, and so Kai just assumes she’s a visitor of some sort in the hospital.
“Is it yours?” Kai asks.
Victoria stands up, dusting her hands together. “It’s yours now.”
“But I can’t--”
Before he can finish his sentence, Victoria roughly lifts the kitten in her hands and walks up to the large tree. She climbs several branches up and places the kitten at a suitable height-- high enough for it to have trouble getting down, but not high enough for it to die if it tried.
“What are you doing?” Kai says, without even thinking.
Victoria smirks at him, one leg crossed over the other. She rests her chin in on palm, her elbow on her knee for support. “If you don’t take it, I’ll just leave it here and hope it gets discovered and rescued.”
“That’s abuse,” Kai accuses.
Laughing, Victoria jumps off of the branch and starts walking off. When she finally reaches the hospital doors, she turns around to find Kai attempting to climb the tree as his nurse profusely lectures him about how dangerous it is.
Kim Jongin was the name the tag on his wrist read when he reached out to pet the kitten. It was the name that Victoria attached to his face from that day on.
Of all the things that Victoria thinks about during the day, sleeping is of the most prominent thought she has on her mind. Unfortunately, she has never been very good at sleeping.
“I’m going on a walk,” she says aloud, to no one in particular. The room is large, and very much empty; there’s not much she can pack into a room as such, anyways.
As she enters into the hallway, there are a few nurses traveling from here to there. Not much is going on, but she supposes that is more good news than bad in an extremely busy hospital--- no news is good news, right?
It takes a bit of asking around to find out where Kim Jongin is located.
In all honesty, Kai isn’t exactly surprised when Victoria curiously pops her head into his door one day. He’s seen her around; watched her walk around with a stoic expression, observed how she likes to disturb some nurses during their work.
One time, he even noticed Victoria digging a small bush of flowers out of the ground and scooting the remnants aside, the dirt spilling all over the bricks. Kai only knows this because she was not too far off outside of his room in the gardening center.
Hers was a face that was hard to forget.
“Where’s my cat?” Victoria asks tauntingly.
Kai glances around, shifting uncomfortably in his whitewashed bed. “I told you I couldn’t keep it.”
“Oh,” Victoria shrugs. “So, you must be pretty sick, huh?”
“You could say that,” Kai mutters. He lowers his magazine onto the table beside his bed and straightens up against the wall. “How about you?”
Victoria smirks, inviting herself into the room. She walks over to the window, hands behind her back, and peers outside. “I’ve got an incurable disease.”
“What kind?” Kai wonders aloud.
“You see, I’m actually fifty years old but my body doesn’t age.”
Kai breaks into a small chuckle. “That’s a lie.”
“Fine, you caught me.” Victoria rolls her eyes dramatically, striding to his bedside and smiling brightly down at him. “I’m actually ten, but my body ages two times faster than that of a normal person’s.”
He looks her dead in the eyes, curious, unbelieving.
Victoria just shrugs.
“Are you really a patient here?”
It is a genuine question, asked in a voice so genuine that Victoria cannot even look the boy in the eyes anymore. She says, “I don’t consider myself a patient; they don’t treat me, nor do they cure me. I’m kind of just stuck here.”
“Why are you here then?” He wonders.
Her smile fades, turning her head to the side so that she can glance outside of the vast windows once again. “You know,” she says, taking a deep breath, “that is a question I’ve asked myself every single day, for the past four years of my life.”
The next time Victoria has the leisure time to visit Kai, she’s forced to stand a good distance outside of the room. From what she saw, Kai was strapped down on the bed, IV needle stabbed into his arm and oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose.
His eyes were closed, but she could see his lips mouthing words, which then produced condensation in his oxygen mask.
“Is he alright?” Victoria asks a nurse that rushes out of the room.
The nurse thins her lips, giving Victoria a doubtful look before hurrying away to the storage room just down the hall.
Being an opportunist made Victoria a sharp person; she sneaks towards the door and takes the noted files placed at the bin hanging on the patient room door. Quickly flipping through the pages, she searches for the origin of Kai’s suffering.
Congenital Heart Disease.
Stealthily, Victoria places the documents back in their bin and steps aside, back against the wall. His condition had been much worse than she expected, but what exactly did she expect to begin with? Nothing, to be honest.
Having practically grown up in this hospital, Victoria had long forgotten how to have great expectations.
She stays until the doctors begin to slow down their pace, nurses following suit by sighing in relief, and everyone slowly files out of the room one by one. Judging by how nervous and intent the medical team was on saving him, she could tell he must have been someone of importance.
Either that, or everyone just really liked him. He was very likeable.
When she leaves, it is Jongin’s peacefully sleeping face that she remembers.
“What are your dreams?”
Victoria pauses in the middle of obnoxiously chewing on her bubble gum and blows a large bubble with it, large round eyes dancing around in thought. Jongin smiles at how childish she looks at the moment. “I have none.”
“Impossible.” Jongin deadpans.
“Well then, what are your dreams?” Victoria retorts.
They stare into each others eyes for a moment, until Jongin breaks away his gaze and clears his throat. Victoria just laughs and pops another piece of gum into her mouth, tossing the now stale and tasteless piece into the nearest garbage can that is full of her trash.
“You must have a lot of dreams,” she comments offhandedly.
Jongin shakes his head. “Actually, I’ve always wanted to do some kind of sport, or even dancing.”
“Dancing?” Victoria repeats, eyebrows furrowed. “Why?”
He smiles in turn, supporting the back of his head with both hands as he leans backwards. “Well, because of my health issues I’ve never been able to dance or play sports.”
“You’d make a good dancer,” Victoria nods.
“Why do you say that?” Jongin asks.
Victoria seriously observes his face, head tilted to the side. Jongin mimics her, tilting his head in alignment with Victoria’s. “Because you’re good looking. Young girls would fawn over you and die at the mercy of your feet.”
Jongin blushes profusely. Victoria laughs.
This is about how the days they decide to spend together go. Casually, comfortably; albeit, they occasionally experience minor interruptions, but those doesn’t matter too much.
Unconsciously, they grow a strong bond that neither of them intended to in the beginning. Ultimately, it is what comes to tear them apart.
They are both sick people-- each to their own degree.
On her bad days, Victoria tries not to meet with Jongin. Boys though, they don’t always get the hint.
“You’ll get hurt if you do that,” Jongin warns her cautiously, holding Victoria back by the wrist. She glares into his eyes, the anger in them clouding her judgment.
Unable to find it in him to let go, Jongin just stares right back.
“I can’t let you continue what you’re doing knowing exactly what the result of it will be,” he tells her, voice firm. His hold isn’t strong and it only gets weaker over time, but Victoria refrains from reacting too violently in fear that she might injure him.
“Let go.” She repeats.
Jongin shakes his head.
“I’m just testing my own blood,” Victoria irritably grits through her teeth. “Nothing will happen.”
“You don’t test your blood by cutting yourself,” Jongin stresses. “Why don’t you just let the professionals do that for you?”
Victoria scoffs. “The last time I asked the doctor’s to do anything for me, they called my guardian and I had the worst lecture of my life.”
“It must not have been good for you then,” Jongin deadpans again.
Fed up with his attitude, Victoria flings his grasp off and stalks off. Jongin wants to follow, but his legs give way and he falls to the ground, heaving for air.
Never before has he ever hated his own illness as much as he does now.
“Let me see your arm,” Jongin demands.
Victoria has been avoiding him for days now, but he managed to find her at the bottom floor of the large flight of stairs just off her favorite section of the hospital. “No,” she grumbles, not lifting a single finger in opposition to his sudden appearance.
“Why don’t you listen?” He sighs exasperatedly.
She just tears her head away in the other direction, refusing to look Jongin in the eyes when he finally reaches her side.
Cold hands reach out to hers and Jongin lifts the sleeve of her jacket to reveal the scars on her bare arm. “What else did you do?” Jongin gasps, trailing his fingers over the seemingly burnt wounds tainting her skin.
Victoria tries to retract her limb from his hold, but he keeps a firm grasp.
“Did you burn yourself?!”
“No,” Victoria monotonously replies again, hissing when he pokes one of her scabbing scars.
Jongin sighs again, removing the small bag off of his back and taking out a travel sized first aid box. Unamused, Victoria props her elbow on her knee and rests her chin on her palm, counting the seconds it takes for Jongin to bandage her.
If he could, Jongin thinks, he wants to fix her. But who was he kidding?
“They say I’ll need a heart transplant,” Jongin tells her, breaking the silence. “If not, they don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stall my health.”
For the first time in days, Jongin is finally able to see her beautiful eyes stare into his again.
“Can you make a promise to me?” Jongin asks.
Victoria shifts her gaze downwards when she feels Jongin intertwining his fingers into hers. “What kind of promise?” She asks in turn.
“Promise not to hide from me again.”
She stays still when Jongin wraps his arms around her, pressing their lips together in a way that was both sweet and warm all at once. This was a type of affection Victoria never wanted-- she didn’t have the right to love, nor did she have the energy to care.
Jongin though... he was a little different from what she’s seen in the past.
“Tell you what,” Victoria whispers against his lips, both hands now on his knees. Jongin is looking straight into her eyes, cheeks burning. “If you can fully give me your heart, I will give mine to you unconditionally.”
And before Jongin can say anything, Victoria leans forward and kisses him again, more intense than before, more intimate than before.
Victoria has always known that she was a horrible person; kissing Jongin just made her feel like that much more sick of a person than she ever did before.
Staying true to her words, Victoria stops avoiding Jongin. It doesn’t mean she begins to treat him any better, though.
“You don’t smile much anymore.” Jongin comments one afternoon.
Victoria lets Jongin take her hand into his and pull her closer at the waist. HIs warmth, the feeling of his chest against her back, it all felt so horribly good. “Who could smile knowing that their friend is going to die soon?”
Jongin is a little speechless, but he forces a smile of his own and leans his chin on the curve of her shoulder. “I’m just a friend?”
“Are you not going to deny you’re close to your time?” Victoria asks.
It’s like an invisible needle that Victoria pokes into his flesh; every word stabs it deeper inside and the pain doesn’t become any less scathing over time. “I won’t die,” he tells her.
“You can’t promise that.” Victoria deadpans.
Jongin bites down on his lip, his arms tightening around her waist as he pulls her closer still. His lips flutter across the skin of her neck, one arm sliding down the length of her leg and back up. Her breath hitches, her body growing weak.
“You’re a horrible liar.” Victoria gasps when he spins her around and runs one hand up the back of the inside of her shirt.
This is mostly as far as they go, because Jongin’s condition does not permit him to have any intense exertion of his body, even if he really wants to.”I never said otherwise,” he retorts, tongue darting across her bottom lip.
She throws herself into his arms, her ear against his chest. There’s a heart in there and it is beating-- weak, but beating. “Why would you allow yourself to love, knowing you can’t promise them a future?”
“But I can,” Jongin laughs. “You have the entire rest of my lifetime. Isn’t that future enough?”
“And after you die? What will I do then?” Victoria asks.
Jongin pauses for a three count, his hands soothingly caressing her back. “I’ve never been selfish before in my life. You taught me how to be selfish, so I guess you have to pay the price for it.”
It’s answer enough, so Victoria drops the subject and comfortably lays in his arms. They both fall asleep like that, in peace and in assurance, but when Jongin wakes up, Victoria is already gone and his hands are cold again.
Jongin has always hated having cold hands.
Every time Victoria is gone, Jongin somehow always knows exactly where to find her.
One afternoon, the nurses consecutively ask Jongin if he’s seen her. No one can find her and everyone is panicking.
“She has to do a lab test today,” one of the nurses explain. “Qian always hates it because it hurts so much, but she’s never hidden from us before.”
Jongin nervously bites down on his lip. For one, it is his first time hearing her real name. Second, he can finally be certain that she’s a patient in this hospital. “What type of lab is it?”
The nurse tears her eyes away from his, glancing around frantically. “She requested that everything about her must be kept a secret, especially from you.”
He’s furious to say the least. “I’ll help look for her.”
Jongin finds her within minutes; Victoria has tucked herself against a doorframe on the ground, head hidden under her arms between her knees.
“The nurses are looking for you.”
Victoria does not respond. Seeing that she doesn’t budge, Jongin walks the rest of the way towards her and squats down on the floor. While he extends a hand towards her, he notices a bandage on her arm that he hadn’t seen before.
“What’s this?” He asks, gently resting a hand over the bandage.
She finally wakes up from her nap and blinks up at him, eyes dreary and skin eerily pale. “What are you doing here?” Victoria mumbles under her breath.
Jongin brushes her hair out of her eyes and momentarily forgets about his anger. “What happened to your arm?” He repeats.
“Nothing.” Victoria groans. She stretches her back and takes a moment to observe the surroundings. “What time is it?”
“The nurses are still looking for you,” Jongin tells her. “They’re really worried.”
Victoria shrugs. “I told them that I can’t do the lab today but they wouldn’t listen. My only choice was to hide.”
“You can’t hide forever,” Jongin shakes his head helplessly. Sitting down facing her, he leans in for a closer inspection of her arm. “Did you do a blood test?”
She scrunches up her nose. “It’s much more painful than just a blood test.”
“Is this why you can’t do your lab test?” Jongin wants to know.
Victoria nods. “I have to let my body rejuvenate for a full two days before they can extract anything else away from me; they said that my health wouldn’t be able to handle two different testings at the same time.”
“Why didn’t you just tell them that?” He furrows his eyebrows.
“Because I can’t,” Victoria explains. “I can’t let them know I did this experiment, or else they’ll tell my guardian.”
Jongin chuckles. “You look and sound like a little kid stealing candy.”
Relieved that Jongin is finally a little distracted, Victoria reaches forward and steals a kiss from him. “Close enough.”
He then extends a hand to the back of her neck and pulls her back in for another kiss.
Two wrongs don’t make a right; two sick people do not make one healthy combination. Even so, the two of them are happy together. That’s all that matters in the end, right?
Hours, days, weeks roll by and before either of them know it, it’s been a year since the first time that they met. It is both a good and a bad thing, but they mostly remember the happy memories and try to forget the small fights that occur between them.
Victoria still only refers to him as a friend, but Jongin has learned to accept it.
Jongin introduces her to his so-called buddies as his girlfriend, and Victoria has since learned to let him do as he wishes.
They’ve both learned how to accustom themselves to the other and it’s hard, but they both find it worth it in the end.
“Happy One Year Anniversary.” Jongin grins, running his hands down her long, wavy locks.
Victoria smiles back at him before planting a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Happy One Year Anniversary to you, too.”
To the two of them, one year is an extremely long time. They were lucky to have had that year together, so they don’t ask for much anymore. It’s brutally obvious that Jongin is gradually growing weaker by the day, and so they try to spend as much time together as they possibly can.
“Do you have any dreams now?” Jongin asks curiously, holding Victoria close in his arms. They are snuggling warmly on a small couch, the smell of lavenders and honey lingering from her hair in his hold.
Victoria purses her lips. “Can’t say that I do.”
It’d be a lie if Jongin said he wasn’t the least bit disappointed by her reply.
“How about you? Have your dreams changed?”
Jongin leans his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes. “I want to get married and build a family of my own,” he says. He weaves his fingers into hers, enjoying every second that they spend together as though it may be their last.
“That’s so typical,” Victoria says disapprovingly. “I like your dreams of being a sportsman or a performer more.”
“I like this one best,” Jongin replies stubbornly. “I just want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Victoria can’t hide the sad smile that invades her lips. “Maybe that’s not such a far-fetched dream after all.”
“You think?” Jongin laughs.
She doesn’t say anything, but Jongin knows she’s silently admitting her statement. Afterall, Victoria never said anything that she didn’t mean.
Days later, Jongin is finally sent into the intensive care unit. When they wheel him out of the surgery room, Victoria has already lost control of most of her tears.
All she can do is walk beside his bed, following them back to his room. Two elders appear hours later; she later discovers them to be his parents.
“We’ve heard about your little relationship,” Jongin’s mother confesses. “I guess we owe it to you that our son is still alive after all this time.”
“He had motivation to live even before he met me,” Victoria replies respectfully. “I haven’t done anything for him at all.”
Jongin’s father gives her a pat on the back, a weak smile gracing his words. “No, you’ve definitely played the biggest part in his strive to continue living. He was so hopeless before he met you; it was only after the two of you began dating that he told us how much he wanted to stay alive.”
“We’ve always been so focused on working to provide for his medical bills that we neglected him and were not able to stay by his side,” Jongin’s mother regrettably sighs. “That’s why we’re so grateful that you were able to take our place.”
“But look at him now,” Victoria scoffs, choking on her breath. “What good have I done?”
Both of Jongin’s parents glance at each other briefly before Jongin’s mother gives her a deep hug. “Honey, Jongin wouldn’t even be here today if it weren’t for you.”
After hearing those words, Victoria’s determination becomes much more prevalent than before. If she was reason enough for Jongin to survive until now, she would make sure that she’s the reason Jongin would continue living happily for forever.
Jongin remains in the state of a coma for a good two weeks until they finally find a suitable transplant donor for him. During that time period, Victoria and his parents stay beside him religiously, afraid to leave him for a single moment.
As time for his final surgery gets closer, Victoria begins to distance herself from him more.
What if the surgery failed? What if Jongin really dies, and leaves the world for good?
If Jongin was allowed to be selfish, then so should Victoria.
The surgery is strenuous and the doctor’s sweat buckets throughout the course of the entire procedure. Hours and hours pass and Jongin’s parents sit outside of the surgery room, tears streaming down their faces.
Finally, the light to the sign over the door flicks off and the doctors and nurses file out one by one. The first doctor that exits the room greets Jongin’s parents politely, a wide grin on his face.
“I’m very happy to tell you that the transplant was extremely successful. He should wake up within the next two days; although he may not be able to leave for a considerable period of time, you can rest assured that hopefully you will no longer have to worry about heart failure again.”
The two elders hug each other tightly, releasing all the tears of worry and frustration all at once. Their first instinct was to see their son; their second instinct was to tell Victoria. It was only now that they realized how long it’s been since the last time they had seen her.
“Have you seen Victoria recently?” Mrs. Kim asks a familiar looking nurse.
The nurse blinks into her eyes with an emotion that Mrs. Kim cannot read, something in between confusion and sadness, and shakes her head. “I’m afraid to say she’s no longer with us.”
“Was she transferred?” Mrs. Kim asked.
With a forced smile, the nurse says. “I guess you could say that.”
The first person Jongin asks for when he wakes up is Victoria. He strongly remembers, during his coma, hearing Victoria speak to him; her words were weird and, to be honest, most of it was unclear to him, but it sounded very much like goodbye.
“We haven’t seen her for a good month now,” his mom explains. “Judging from what the nurses say, she may have been transferred to another hospital.”
Jongin frowns, hands weak, legs powerless. “That’s impossible. She’s been here for years; she wouldn’t just leave.”
“But Jongin--”
“We have to find her,” Jongin cries, almost pleading. “Please, we have to find her.”
It hurt so much to see their son in so much pain; at this rate, even if Jongin did not die of heart failure, it seemed as though he was about to die of heartbreak. Why? Why couldn’t their son live a life of less troubles?
“We’ll look,” Jongin’s father promises. “Don’t worry Jongin, we’ll find her for you.”
There’s a gut feeling in him that says they won’t be able to find Victoria. Perhaps it was whatever she had said to him that one day, or maybe it was the way she’s disappeared for over a month and has not returned.
Like the nurses have said before, Victoria often disliked many things but she doesn’t run away from them.
Jongin tilts his head towards the side facing the wall, refusing to let his parents see the tears that threaten to spill from his eyes. Victoria was the one who showed Jongin all the things in life he hadn’t seen before-- she showered him with love, in all the ways he hadn’t known.
Even if it took a long time for Victoria to accept him as her own, she loved him with a genuine heart after resting assured that she had his.
If she would come back to him, Jongin would go through all of his pain a second time even if only to die in the end.
When Jongin is finally returned to his usual patient room, the first thing he sees is a medium sized gift box sitting on his bed. His heart stops for a second, a thousand words combusting in his mind.
“That--”
Before his father can complete his phrase, Jongin stumbles towards the bed and pries the box open. Inside of it is a collection of photos, as well as a drawing of Jongin playing with the kitten that Victoria had on the very first day that they met.
The photos are all solely of Jongin; not a single one includes herself in them. She must have taken the photos when Jongin wasn’t paying attention, because he doesn’t recognize any of the instances that he sees.
A tears slips from his eye uncontrollably, gliding down his cheek to moisten the drawing sitting in his lap. Jongin goes through the box of drawings and photos one by one until he reaches the bottom, where an envelope lies.
Could this be goodbye?
Jongin hesitates, his fingers trailing over the envelope time and again until he takes it into his hands and reads the letter inside. It reads,
I met your parents and they are just as wonderful as you told me they were. They said that you were able to live so long because of me, but I don’t think they understand that you were able to persevere because of your own strength and determination, and not because of my existence. You once told me that since I was the one who taught you how to be selfish, I had to pay the price for it. I also taught you about death, so now I have to take responsibility for that too, right? For every moment that I’ve spent with you, I was given an ounce of happiness and hope. Up until the moment I decided I’d received too much from you, you never stopped teaching me how to love. For the span of time we were able to spend together, you gave me your heart with no hesitation and now, after you have taught me how to give my heart to you unconditionally, I’m going to be a good student and return the favor. You know what you have to do right, Jongin? You have to take responsibility and take very good care of my heart. I am now a part of you that you will never be able to get rid of, you know that right?
You’ve asked me a lot of times about my illness, but I’ve never wanted to tell. You’ve asked me a lot of times about my family, but I always refused to answer. Even now, I'm not going to let you know but it’s for the best; it’s better that you don’t know who I am or how ill my mind and body are. Just know that not a single part of my body or mind used to be healthy until I met you; of all the inner turmoil that happened within my body, you were able to cure my heart. Please understand why I don’t want to tell you more.
I want to thank you, Jongin. I know I’ve never addressed you by your name but that's because I was afraid of too many things that come with such a close tie to reality but this time, just this last time, I’ll be selfish. Thank you for loving me and teaching me how to love you back. There will be a girl out there who won’t need you to teach her how to love you because she'll already know-- when you find her, you have to love her a hundred times more than how much you loved me because she’s actually worth it. It won’t take long, I promise, and when you find her, I’ll be smiling, too; please, don’t ever forget my smile. My brightest smile is a smile that you must show every day, alright? Promise me. Promise me you’ll never stop smiling.
Never stop believing.
Your beloved Song Qian.
-----
A/N: Sorry for the angst... I can't even remember which song inspired this anymore to be honest, but I have been craving Kaitoria for the longest time and I don't understand why no one out there really writes them ;A; WRITE THEM!!! (Please? :D) To those anticipating the ending of Let Life Do The Rest: I'm sorry for the wait! It's coming soon, I swear! I'm just trying to make everything fit into this last chapter so I don't have to split it into two without making it seem too rushed~ I love you all! Thank you!
And just out of curiosity: I have a Himchan/Victoria, Yongguk/Victoria, Luhan/Victoria, and, even though I don't really ship Kristoria much anymore, Kris/Victoria fic(s) in the works... which one would you guys prefer to see first? ^_^