Fantastic entry! Seriously, this is one of the best first-entries I've ever read. Lord knows mine wasn't anywhere near this good.
I love this quick interlude you've created, and rough writing always seems to be the most original. You've set up these two well without any backstory or knowledge on the characters whatsoever. The 'reveal' in this kind of fiction, where one character finds out who the other one REALLY is, is always so dishy and great to read. Your language flows well, especially through the long, explanatory passage. I'm very impressed, especially for what you're calling a "rough" piece.
My one complaint- the big block of explanation text. Big blocks of text hurt my eyes... if you could divide it up a little more, somehow, or double space this entry it might help. Maybe throw in a few more interjections from Claire. I enjoy the content, the form is just a little hard to wrap my mind around. Great first entry, and I'm excited to see what else you write in this community! Good luck with the voting. <33
Oh my God! I'm so excited that you liked it! I seriously didn't imagine I'd get much feedback, and especially not some so positive! Thank you so much!
And as for the long block of text...I swear, it did NOT look that bad in Word. For some reason, EVERYONE I copy/paste my work from my word processor, it always bunches up the writing together. After having posted it, I see that I should have broken it up a LOT more into paragraphs a bit. I'll have to take care of that. Either way, thank you so much! I hope to get more criticism as great as yours has been!
You captured my attention at the very start. I think it's extremely well written. A true story teller is one that can create a character that is a story teller as well. You really did that well.
The one thing I would recommend is breaking up the extremely long paragraphs, as they're visually difficult to read. The eye tends to wander after awhile.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this piece.
Congratulations on your first entry, and welcome to brigits_flame!!! Good luck this week!
:D Yay! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Thank you so much for the positive feedback, and I'll definitely work on break up the paragraphs more. Swear, it didn't look so bad in Word!
I usually have a difficult time getting through long chunks of dialogue, but this really sucked me in! I love your re-invention, it is such a fantastic fable. I also wanted to say, I am incredibly impressed that you maintained such great flow through the story that was being told. Obviously, it was still being narrated, but I could really see everything that was happening. Fantastic job :) Can't wait to read more from you!
Thank you! I'm so glad to be getting such great feedback on it! I was terrified it wouldn't be well received. Especially with it being my first time to post, but everyone has been so supportive! I can't wait to write more!
:D I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm glad to see it did it's job in sucking the reader in. That's my favorite sort of writing. When you can't put it down until it's done. And if it hasn't come to a resolution, you're grasping for me. Hopefully this will have that same effect!
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I love this quick interlude you've created, and rough writing always seems to be the most original. You've set up these two well without any backstory or knowledge on the characters whatsoever. The 'reveal' in this kind of fiction, where one character finds out who the other one REALLY is, is always so dishy and great to read.
Your language flows well, especially through the long, explanatory passage. I'm very impressed, especially for what you're calling a "rough" piece.
My one complaint- the big block of explanation text. Big blocks of text hurt my eyes... if you could divide it up a little more, somehow, or double space this entry it might help. Maybe throw in a few more interjections from Claire. I enjoy the content, the form is just a little hard to wrap my mind around.
Great first entry, and I'm excited to see what else you write in this community! Good luck with the voting. <33
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And as for the long block of text...I swear, it did NOT look that bad in Word. For some reason, EVERYONE I copy/paste my work from my word processor, it always bunches up the writing together. After having posted it, I see that I should have broken it up a LOT more into paragraphs a bit. I'll have to take care of that. Either way, thank you so much! I hope to get more criticism as great as yours has been!
Reply
The one thing I would recommend is breaking up the extremely long paragraphs, as they're visually difficult to read. The eye tends to wander after awhile.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this piece.
Congratulations on your first entry, and welcome to brigits_flame!!! Good luck this week!
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Excellent writing and descriptive work, it really drew me into the story quickly and I wanted to see where it was going :)
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