Entry for Brigits_Flame:Heavy (poem)

[punklikeleno]

His heavy heart
pounded in my hands
his demands
had been met
we were all set
to live happily ever after
until that day
he went away
all tangled up with desire
i set myself on fire
to heal all the pain
I can't forgive
it will never be the same.

Comments

[wickedmommy]

makes me wonder what happened. Great poem! But then I read horror,so I have all kinds of ideas. Good luck with your entry!

Editor I

[triplescorpio]

Hi! I'm your editor for this post. I want to start out letting you know that I'm a novice at editing, and mostly I'll just be giving opinion. You wrote a very poignant piece about heartbreak. And you were able to convey in simple wording that the writer had given a lot in this relationship: "His heavy heart/pounded in my hands/his demands/had been met. I also think you did a great job of communicating the writer's anger: "I can't forgive." The only editorial critique I can think to make, is that some different spacing or punctuation might be needed between "he went away" and "all tangled up with desire." Even after reading it several times I combined those two thoughts. But that's minor. I think you did a beautiful job on this poem.

[ofgreyshades]

I hope it doesn't take you too long to rise from the ashes.
Nice poem.

edit

[adokowa]

Oo, really beautiful.

my only criticism is that poetry flows uninterrupted until there is a punctuation mark. I agree with triple scorpio. some punctuation, preferably a fullstop, is required between "he went away" & "all tangled up with desire".

Good luck! :]]

[dirrtydiesel]

Beauty Icon LIMS
hi, as soon as you enter your icon for the first round of lims i can get the voting up.