Drove Me To The Fire Part 3
6 Days Earlier:
Adam lay on his bed. He hadn’t moved since he’d collapsed there the night before. Looking at the clock he noted that he had another 2 hours before they had to head to the venue.
How are you going to face them?
Adam hadn’t seen any of his friends since the intervention…
Ambush
…the night before. He didn’t want to see anyone.
It still hurts that no one’s come to check you’re okay. Maybe they’re just giving you space. Or maybe they’ve given up caring. Last night Kris said they cared. Last night they attacked you. They were just trying to help. You’re a fucking fat pussy if you believe that, they just don’t like you. Kris does. Allison does. Allison doesn’t know any better and Kris likes everyone, they don’t count!
Needing to stop his thoughts Adam crawled out of bed. He moved slowly knowing the wooziness that would come with the movement. He looked at the selection of teas and coffees for a minute before choosing one. He picked up the kettle and took it into the bathroom to fill it up.
Standing in front of the sink Adam caught sight of himself in the mirror.
Holy fuck!
His makeup had run down his face and his hair was sticking up in every direction.
I look like a zombie. I look worse than a zombie. Zombies would run in the other fucking direction if they saw me coming.
Grabbing his makeup remover and the cotton pads Adam started to scrub harshly at his face. He rubbed so hard that he left red marks all over his skin. The stinging helped him focus. When he’d finished Adam looked at himself again.
You don’t look any better.
His eyes looked sunken into his head. His skin looked papery and pale. All life seemed to have seeped from his eyes.
I look old. I feel old.
Not wanting to see any more Adam looked away.
A shower will help.
He took the kettle back into the bedroom and without thinking started boiling the water.
I thought we were going to shower.
Moving over to the bed Adam started to remove his clothes.
A knock came from the door.
What are you going to do now?
Adam stared at the door but didn’t answer. The quiet knock came again. Adam didn’t move, he barely breathed.
“Adam?”
Kris.
“Adam I just want to know that you’re alight?”
Of course I’m not.
“Adam I need to know you’re alright?”
Shit.
“Adam please!” The gentle pleading was almost enough to make Adam answer. He moved quietly to the door and gently placed his hand on it as if he could gain some strength from Kris’s presence on the other side.
You’re a fucking idiot.
“Okay…well I’m going to be in Matt’s room if you need anything. That’s 209.” Adam lent his forehead against the wood. “Anything Adam…I guess I’ll see you later.”
And won’t that be fun!
Adam heard Kris’s footsteps as they moved away from his room.
Come back. I’m sorry.
Adam moved away from the door. He was starting to feel really light headed.
That’s because it’s been nearly a day since you ate anything.
He moved to the nearly boiled kettle.
A drink will solve that.
Pouring himself a cup of jasmine tea Adam made his way back into the bathroom.
Maybe they were right. Maybe you do have a problem. Most people eat.
He made sure to keep his back to the mirror.
Most people don’t put on weight from simply looking at food.
Stepping into the shower Adam closed his eyes and tried to block out his thoughts
5 Days Earlier
Yesterday had been hard. The journey to the venue had been quiet and tense. Adam had worn a large pair of sunglasses, pretended to be asleep and ignored everyone around him. After the show he and Kris had gone straight to the airport to fly to LA for some more recording.
Adam was currently stood in the recording booth. He closed his eyes and followed the music.
“Cut!” A voice came through the speakers.
Fuck.
Adam opened his eyes and looked at the faces in the studio.
“You were behind the music again. Start again.”
Fuckity fuck fuck.
This was the 6th time Adam had had to start over. He just couldn’t seem to keep up with the track. He couldn’t seem to keep up with anything. All the sounds around him were beginning to blur together. Adam blinked trying to keep the world straight. Gradually everything came back into focus.
“…E minor into D on the 3rd beat.” The voice stopped for a second. “Are you even listening to me?”
“What. Yeah….umm…can you please repeat what you just said?” Adam tried to look contrite but he was pretty sure all he was managing was tired and confused.
“Never mind. Take an hour for lunch. Get some fresh air and then come back here focused and act like a fucking professional.”
And here come those diva rumours again. God I just want to sleep and never wake up.
Adam put the headphones down, left the recording booth, grabbed his jacket and made his way to the car park. Pulling his cigarettes out of his pocket…
I can’t believe you’ve taken up smoking again.
…he leaned against the wall of the building. Lighting his cigarette Adam pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled the familiar number.
“I have an hour. Come pick me up.”
“Look to your left. I’m already waiting.”
Spotting the blue convertible Adam made his way over. Adam saw Brad look him up and down.
“Shit bitch where the fuck did the rest of you go?” Adam saw the genuinely shocked look on his friend’s face. He climbed in the car and closed the door.
“I really don’t want to do this now.”
“Yeah well, you can’t always get what you want.”
“But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.” Adam leaned back in the seat and closed his eyes.
It’s just too much effort to keep them open most of the time.
He felt the car pull into the road as he started to fall asleep. He heard Brad’s mumbled comment but was too tired to reply.
“And what you need is a proper meal.”
4 Days Earlier
I have to eat something. Holy fuck I need food.
It was the middle of the night and everyone else on the tour bus was asleep. Adam hadn’t been able to sleep. He couldn’t focus on anything but the cramps in his stomach. Getting up he made his way as quietly as possible into the kitchenette. Collecting more food than he’d eaten in the last week Adam started to eat.
God this tastes so good.
He ate a sandwich, half a tub of ice-cream, some of Scott’s chocolate brownies, a pack of Cheetoes he found, 6 slices of cheese, a spoon full of peanut butter.
I’m gonna be sick.
Adam rushed to the toilet.
3 Days Earlier
Adam stepped off of the lift after his set. Kris pushed past him to get into his opening position.
He didn’t even look at you.
Adam banged his hip into something and stumbled. He caught himself on one of the stage supports and looked at what he’d hit. There was a small table with a selection of food on it.
Well that’s new. Is that a Twizzler?
Adam reached out to grab the banana that was there. He held his hand over the fruit thinking about it. He was just about to pick it up when a hand grabbed his arm and started pulling him backstage mumbling about costume changes.
2 Days Earlier
Adam saw the story online that said he was on drugs. A ‘source’ had revealed how he’d been so high at a recent recording session that he’d not been able to focus or sing properly.
Well it’s not calling you a diva but…
Adam was hiding out in his bunk. He’d barely spoken to anyone since that night in the hotel. He’d avoided everyone as much as possible.
You’re hiding. Of course I’m hiding. I didn’t mean from them. Shut up!! Think about what they said.
Adam moved his hand to the hem of his T-Shirt. Reaching inside he ran his hands up his torso.
Maybe you have lost a bit too much weight.
Adam ran his hand back down and rested it on his stomach.
Or maybe not. There’s definitely still fat there.
1 Day Earlier
Adam sat in the dressing room while the others were out giving interviews. He still wasn’t allowed to do any press and the others were telling everyone that he was sick and using all the extra rest he could get.
I’m growing fond of the quiet.
The door opened and Allison walked in. She locked the door behind her. Adam looked at her warily.
“I’m not going to yell at you and I’m not going to lecture you, I just have a few questions.” Allison grabbed a chair and placed it directly in front of Adam before sitting. “I’ve only locked the door so people can’t barge in. You can leave at any time.”
Adam looked at her face, saw the tiredness there. He saw the nervousness.
Ali was never supposed to be nervous with me. Never with me.
Adam nodded at Allison to continue.
“Do you think I’m fat?” Adam blanched.
“God no!” Allison nodded at him.
“Do you think you’re fat?” Adam looked away. “You’re going to have to say it at some point. Why do you think you’re fat?”
Because I just am. Because everyone else is thinner. Because the world thinks I am.
“Because I feel it.” Adam started picking at the polish on his nails. “Because other people think it. Because compared to the popular ideal of beauty I am.”
“That first one, that I can’t help you with. The second one, anyone who thinks you’re fat is a moron. There are people out there who think I’m fat but you know what? I don’t feel fat. Should I start believing them?” Adam shook his head emphatically. “And that third one; since when did Adam Lambert give a crap about what was the popular ideal. Since when have you ever become anything other than what you are just to suit someone else’s perception?”
“Baby girl…it’s not that simple.”
“It really is Adam. I just…”
Allison stood up and moved the chair back to where it had been. She walked to the door and unlocked it. She turned back to look at Adam.
“I just don’t understand is all.”
Allison walked out of the room and closed the door behind her leaving Adam alone once again.
That Day
“I think I need help.”
A small smile appeared on Kris’s face at the words. Reaching into his back pocket he pulled out a granola bar and placed it in Adam’s hand.
“We’ll talk afterwards. Eat this for now.”
He looked over Adam’s shoulder again. The person trying to get Kris on the lift was getting more frantic.
“You got him Danny?”
“I’ve got him.”
Kris leaned in and placed a kiss on Adam’s cheek before finally allowing himself to be led to his opening position.
“You ready man?” Danny asked.
If you don’t admit it now you’ll lose it all forever.
Adam straightened himself up but didn’t move away from the arms holding him. A feeling of peace had descended with the acknowledgment that perhaps he really did need someone else’s help, that he didn’t have everything under control as he always claimed he did.
“You know what Danny. I think I really am.”
Part Four