Fanfic: Of Notebooks and Hand-Drawn Hearts (1 of 1)
Kurt was running late for class, due to his almost pathological need to make sure his hair looked perfect, so he hurried through the hallway, books and papers in hand. Normally, they'd be in his satchel, but Kurt had lost track if time so badly that he didn't have time to fiddle with the clasps, so he left his English things in the bag and carried everything Calculus-related in his arms. Mistake number one.
Mistake number two was turning a blind corner at top speed, because it made him run into someone, both of them dropping their things to the ground in a mess of papers and books. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" Kurt cried, wincing when he looked up for a split second to see Noah Puckerman standing there, surprise written all over his face.
Wordlessly, the boy frowned and dropped down beside Kurt to collect his things, muttering something about, "Watch where you're going next time."
"Yeah," Kurt agreed with a nervous laugh, grabbing his notebook from the ground and piling all his things together. "I'll be more careful in the future. See you in glee."
With that, Kurt took off again, walking quickly, but eyes watchful over the thinning crowd, so no one else could knock him off course. He looked back once before entering his classroom as the bell rang, seeing Puck at the far end of the hallway, climbing to his feet and walking the opposite direction.
Kurt took his usual seat between Mike and Lauren, which was the only seat still open, actually. Good. Though most of the kid's that were capable of getting into Calculus were fairly decent, some weren't very accepting of Kurt's orientation. At least this year Karofsky was gone - graduated away - and Blaine transferring somehow got everyone more used to the fact that gay men existed and they were nothing to be afraid of.
Too bad Kurt and Blaine had broken up the first week of Senior year. They were each other's only options for romance at the school, though rumor had it that Blaine was dating someone older, now. Good for him, Kurt tried to think, arranging his things on his desk and pulling a pencil from his bag (still heavy with those collected works of Shakespeare). He and Blaine made much better friends than boyfriends, and it was important to keep that in mind, even if Kurt never got another date before college.
The teacher started his lecture about integrals and areas under a curve, so Kurt opened his notebook - only to find it wasn't his notebook. This one was full of scribbling in a very different handwriting that was much more difficult to read than Kurt's large, elegant lettering. What - oh, it must have been Puck's notebook. They could have switched when they knocked into each other. (Okay, when Kurt knocked into Puck)
Shrugging, Kurt flipped to the back to pull out a few blank sheets - he was sure Puck wouldn't mind - but the back dozen pages weren't empty like in most notebooks. In fact, this one was completely full - only six weeks into the school year. What the heck?
Kurt thought about ripping a few pages from his English notebook, but then he caught sight of something that made him almost giggle out loud. Puck had drawn a heart around two sets of initials several dozen times, covering one whole page. Ignoring calculus in favor of gossip, Kurt squinted at the handwriting, trying to make out what it said. "NP + KH," he finally deciphered. What girl in school had KH for her initials? Hanson, what was her name? Kristine? No she spelled it Christine, so that was out. Katie...no her last name was York. Well, Kurt's initials fit, since Noah was straight that guess didn't make much sense. What about Hernandez? Her name was Khloe-with-a-K, so that worked, and everyone knew Puck went for Latinas, since he'd dated Santana Lopez for so long. That had to be it.
Smiling at his cleverness, Kurt tuned the page, only to be struck by the phrases, "Noah Puckerman-Hummel," and "Noah Hummel-Puckerman" over and over again, like Puck had been practicing writing his name that way. There were even a few "Noah Hummel"s in there, which left very little to the imagination. Puck had a crush on Kurt? Since when? And since when had Noah Puckerman turned into a thirteen-year-old-girl, writing his feelings all over his notebook like this?
Kurt turned the page, and it got worse. This time he uncovered a little story about the two of them. Kurt was getting used to reading Puck's chicken-scratch, but it still took him awhile to read through it, ignoring math class altogether, now. He'd get the notes from Mike after school or something.
When Kurt gets home from working at his dad's shop, I'm waiting for him in the kitchen. I know he loves organic food, so I made him everything from scratch, even the cake. Well, the cake's the easiest part, but anyway. I heard him coming, so I light the candles on the table and go to greet him at the door. He's wearing his overalls and looks smoking, so I tell him that and then lead him toward dinner. He's telling me about his day, but before we can sit down and eat, the baby starts crying. Again. "That's okay," I say, pushing Kurt down into his chair. "I'll get her."
What the ever-loving crap was this? Some sort of domestic fantasy? And Noah had chosen go dress Kurt in his overalls, of all things? What? Who? Why? Why would Puck write this?
Turning back a few pages, Kurt started reading again.
He looks awesome pregnant. (What?) Like how Quinn used to look - glowing and full of life - except better, because it's Kurt. I sing goodnight to his belly every day, waiting for our daughter to show up. I bet Kurt will make a great dad. He knows all sorts of girly stuff, but he's still a guy, which is even better. Kurt puts his hand on my head, pulling me up into a kiss that totally gets me going, but he's got a baby, which is more important than me getting my rocks off. Our daughter is going to be beautiful.
Never mind the fact that it was impossible, Kurt thought that passage was kind of sweet. Noah wanted a family - a real family of his own - and he'd been fantasizing about having that family with Kurt? Kurt couldn't decide whether to feel flattered or creeped out. What was Noah doing, filling this whole notebook with his thoughts and feelings, but hardly ever even speaking to Kurt in the real world? Then Kurt ran across another passage.
I can't be a homo. It's not right. I mean girls are awesome, I've fallen in love with girls like Quinn and Lauren. It's not that I have anything against gay dudes, it's just
Puck let the end of the sentence just hang there and Kurt wished he knew what had gone through the boy's head that he couldn't even write it down.
I know my mom wants grandkids, and I love her, but I can't imagine what she would say if I told her I had a crush on a guy. She'd tell me I'm being stupid and that I'm just going through a phase. Maybe the therapist lady was right. Putting my thoughts down on paper is helping me deal with my mom's stupidity, so I have a confession - I've had exactly three crushes on guys (and a lot more on girls). Matt when I was 12, Jorge (I think that's how he spells whore-hay) when I was 15 and now Kurt. It's not going away. It's not a phase. I'm 18 years old and all I want to do is make Kurt mine. Is that so wrong?
Wow. Oh, wow. Puck had been having same-sex feelings since he was twelve? He hid it so well. He came across as so masculine, so into girls, that no one would ever guess he had feelings for Kurt, or any other boy. Maybe that was the point. Kurt had been true to himself (more or less) his whole life, because his father had supported him. If Noah's mother had been telling him all along how he had to grow up and have babies, it was no wonder he hid it.
Kurt wondered if Puck knew about things like adoption and surrogacy, because these days it wasn't impossible for a gay couple to have kids. In fact, Kurt had imagined adopting a boy and a girl with his future husband, and dressing the children up in coordinating outfits. A family (along with superstardom in the fashion world) sounded nice. Normal, even. And that's what Puck wanted too.
Flipping to another page, Kurt read, "And once I get in there, I fuck Kurt nice and slow, because I think that's what he would like," and promptly slammed the notebook shut as he felt the back of his neck and ears heat up from blushing. Someone - someone as hot as Puck - had fantasized about him! And Puck hadn't just thought about what he wanted to do to Kurt - like he was sure Karofsky had despite his self-hatred - he'd thought about what might make Kurt happy. Why hadn't he said anything?
The bell signaling the end of class and the beginning of lunch rang, and Kurt realized that he'd spent the entire period reading Noah Puckerman's personal journal. About his crush. On Kurt.
A tiny part of Kurt's brain wondered if Puck had switched notebooks on purpose, because he was too much of a coward to say what he wanted to Kurt's face. Then he remembered the story about Kurt being pregnant and decided no, it had been an honest mistake.
It felt like fate.
Kurt followed Lauren back toward the hallway that held their lockers and put everything inside, except Puck's notebook, which he kept safe in his bag. Imagine what would happen if someone like Strando or Jacob got a hold of Puck's journal? Kurt felt like dying just from second-hand embarrassment at the thought.
And then he closed his locker only to find Puck standing behind it, holding out his green Calculus notebook - the one filled with equations and graphs rather than stories and harts. “This is yours, right?” Puck asked, and Kurt finally looked up at the boy. It took a moment to decipher his expression, but it looked like he was embarrassed, but hiding it really well behind a mask of indifference and almost-anger.
Clearing his dry throat, Kurt replied, “Yeah. Thanks,” and took the notebook from Puck, shoving it into his bag. “I have yours, too,” he added, trying to keep a straight face and sure he was failing. Taking the almost identical green notebook out, he handed it over.
“You…” Puck frowned. “You didn’t read it or anything, did you?”
“Um…” Kurt replied, and that must have been answer enough, because Puck lowered his eyes and nodded, the tips of his ears going red. “Sorry?” Kurt offered.
Puck swore, “Shit,” softly under his breath before fingering one of the combination locks next to him and asking, “The first half, or the last few pages?”
Wincing, Kurt admitted, “A few pages in the back. I was looking for some empty sheets to borrow and…”
Puck nodded again, eyes still downcast, like he was afraid to look up. Since when was Noah Puckerman afraid of anything?
“I won’t tell anyone,” Kurt promised, reaching out to touch Puck and then deciding that was probably a bad idea and pulling his hand back. “I mean, it was kind of sweet. I wouldn’t … I won’t make fun of you for it.”
“I’d make fun of you,” Puck replied, finally looking up at Kurt and meeting his eyes briefly. “I mean, before. Like, sophomore year. Dude, you don’t even know…” Puck scoffed and shook his head before turning and taking a step away.
Suddenly panicked that Puck had gotten the wrong impression and was writing Kurt off for good, he lunged forward and grabbed Puck’s (impressively meaty) arm. “No, I mean. I…” Puck frowned back at him and tugged his arm away, which made Kurt swallow in fear. This was it. The point where the jock was exposed and vulnerable and would hurt Kurt to make sure his secret never got out. What could he say to calm Puck down? “I …” he stuttered, trying to think of something. And then Kurt had it. “I want a family, too.”
Puck’s eyes went wide and his jaw went slack, which was only slightly better than provoked violence, in Kurt’s opinion.
“Someday, I mean,” Kurt qualified. “Like, when I’m older and married. We’re not so different, Noah.”
Puck nodded and turned halfway away so Kurt could only see his profile. It took a moment, but eventually that one corner of Puck’s mouth that Kurt could see twitched upward. That twitch grew into a small smile, which turned into a bigger smile, which made Kurt’s heart pound a million times a second. “Does that mean what I think it means?” Puck asked the wall across the way, still not facing Kurt.
Kurt couldn’t help but smile as well, taking a step forward and taking a huge gamble when he whispered in Puck’s ear, “I can’t give you biological kids, Noah Puckerman, but if we were boyfriends, I’d certainly let you try.”
Kurt was sure his innuendo was grossly misplaced and might even get him killed, but Puck just laughed in what sounded like relief, finally turning to look Kurt in the eyes. The hallway was empty now, everyone at lunch, and it felt to Kurt like he and Noah were the only two people in the school. In Lima. In the whole world.
Because in that moment, Puck threw his green notebook, full of all those hopes and dreams, over his shoulder and pulled Kurt into a tight, breathless, full-of-possibilities kiss.