Gift fic for nimlothemeli: Reverse
Title: Reverse
Recipient: nimlothemeli
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4318
Disclaimer: All of this is fiction.
Warnings: none
Author's Notes: I made this in the last minute, so I need to change some things. There’re at least 10 scenes that I initially want to put but decide not to because of the time. And you probably can see it’s rushed. I’m a newbie, and this’ll be my first exchange. So, I hope I won’t disappoint you (much)^^ Enjoy :D
Summary: Things didn’t go right the first time. So it’s time to start over. Reverse.
Reverse
Dreams of a moonlit night, stained blue memories,
I knew this love was unfulfilled
I wonder when our feelings began conflicting?
Can we still make it right?
Don't rouse me from my dream
With sweet eyes, caress me
Gently...
When I feel you
When I love you
Our days in the moonlit night shrouded in mist
A fragile promise
It's okay if it's a lie,
I want to be an important existence to you
I chased it too far
Bewitching dance
A beautiful temptation
More...
When I miss you
When I want you
I'll recall the distant shining memories and move on
But the unimportant things that fill my mind
won't disappear and can't be erased
In the moonlight that only shines one night
I cast everything off and become a fluttering butterfly
Hold me close even when I'm reborn
Love me with the same tenderness
In the moonlight that only shines one night
I cast everything off and become a withering flower
Hold me close even when I'm reborn
Love me, even if it's in your dreams
So please...
Under the moonlight
~~~~~~~
If their story started from a different path would the result be different?
They’re like firework. When it was ignited by the spark, it’d launched high and fast. It bloomed into a magical flower, dancing in the dark sky. Beautiful. Magnificent. But as fast as it happened, it disappeared just as fast. The sound died down. The bright color faded, blended with the night. What left were the loud silence, the memories and the moon.
~~~~~~~~
The waiting time felt endless. Many kids were waiting excitedly for their turn. Kame didn’t feel that enthusiastic. He’s bored even. If it’s not for his parents he wouldn’t be bothered to come to the audition. He’d rather got mud all over his clothes while playing baseball. He wanted to pitch a ball. Not getting some voice training
Kazuya sulked. He even still wore his baseball uniform. Some snobby kids at the corner pointed at him while talking with each other. Occasionally laughing. Sometimes Kame could hear something that sounded suspiciously like “bushy eyebrows”, “ugly duckling”, “what does he think wearing something like that?”. Kame looked down. He swung his feet. Sometimes he drew some invisible random pattern with the tip of his sole.
“Are you nervous?” The beautiful and cheerful voice he heard made Kame to look up. At that moment Kame knew, he knew, or maybe he didn’t. He’s screwed.
~~~~~~~
“Mind if I sit next to you?” The handsome kid asked him politely. Kame was a bit stunned. But the stranger had made the motion to sit anyway. Kame nodded just for the heck of it.
“Why are you here all alone?” The stranger asked with a light tone. Kame pursed his lips. He didn’t answer. His hands played with a loose thread on his trousers. His eyes threw fleeting glances at the snobby kids. The motion was subtle. But the stranger noticed it. He’d been watching Kame.
“It’s okay. Don’t mind them.” Kame turned his face toward the stranger. “We’re all here wanted to be accepted. No matter what people say, the result is what matters, right? I’m sure you’re talented and will be able to pass.” The stranger gave him a sunny smile.
Kame was silent for a while. He was glad for the stranger’s words of courage. But he didn’t know Kame. Kame didn’t even want to be here. All Kame was good at was baseball. How could this stranger come and say something so ridiculous like that?
“I don’t want to be accepted. I don’t even want to be here. I want to be a pro baseball player. Not an idol. And you, what are you doing here with me? You don’t even know me. And they’re probably right. It still pisses me off, but I really am ugly.” Kame gave the stranger a pointed look. The stranger only smiled brightly.
“If you really don’t want to be accepted, why are you still here? You could always tell your parents you really don’t want it and I have the feeling that they will understand. But you’re here, waiting patiently. And there’re even annoying kids who badmouth you but you’re still staying strong and stay here.” Kame felt dumbfounded. Now that he thought about it. It’s true. But still…
“The fact that you haven’t given up means that somewhere in your heart you want to be accepted. You want to compete. And don’t you want to beat those kids?” Jin pointed his finger to their direction with no subtlety at all. “If I were you, I would’ve taken the challenge. I’d prove to them that I’m better than them and they can’t judge me just from my appearance.” The stranger gave a reassuring pat on top of Kame’s head.
“I still don’t get it though. What’s wrong with people’s eyes nowadays? I think you’re really cute!” The stranger beamed. And Kame tried to keep his composure -which failed miserably- as his face turned pink.
~~~~~~~
They talked animatedly, as if they’re friends for a long time and not strangers who just met. They didn’t even remember the fact that they’re rivals. They laughed freely, receiving not-so-subtle glances.
Kame almost forgot all about the auditions. Until his name was called. He became nervous suddenly. His face looked pale. His hands felt so cold. He stood up from the chair he was sitting. His knees were shaky. He wouldn’t be this nervous if he really didn’t care. Maybe the stranger was right after all. And that’s when Kame realized he still didn’t know what’s his stranger-now-friend’s name! He looked at him right when he felt a light but reassuring squeeze on his hand. It’s warm.
“Don’t be afraid. You’ll be alright. You play baseball, so you must be agile and have a lot of power!” The handsome kid smiled sunnily and squeezed Kame’s hand tighter before he let it go.
Kame smiled then nodded. Somehow he just felt like he could trust this new friend of his. “Thank you. And..” Kame smiled sheepishly. “My name is Kamenashi Kazuya. Mmm, you?”
“Jin. Akanishi Jin.” Kame nodded once again and then dashed off -half running- to enter the room. Mid way, he shouted, “Wish me luck, Jin!” He missed the soft chuckle that came out from Jin’s mouth. Jin murmured, “Good luck, Kazu-chan!”
~~~~~~~
The result was out. Jin was unhappy about it. It’s weird, but he was more upset that he couldn’t work together with the cute Kazu-chan rather than the fact he wasn’t accepted. Kame was also unhappy about it. After all, he was accepted! So, what in the world could make a talented boy like Jin to not make it?! Jin said it’s okay and even congratulated him. But he just didn’t feel it right. And when the ones who succeed were called for a brief summary, he thought it would be the last time he saw Jin.
~~~~~~~
Jin wondered around. He didn’t know if he should wait for Kazu-chan or not. He already waved goodbye to him as well. That’s when he remembered he hadn’t given the number plate back. That’s when he saw an old man. He approached the man.
~~~~~~~
Fate loved to tie people with its strings. Or maybe Johnny-san did. Because later on Jin and Kazuya were jumping together in happiness. Jin was accepted. And that’s all that mattered. They didn’t give any attention to the old man who tried his best to hide the smile tugging from the corner of his lips.
~~~~~~~
No matter how much we consider the future
No one can see the truth
Something is blocking my blank mind
It's just a mistake that I've been repeating
It's okay for my steps to continue, these hands have separated
Walking away from where you continue to live
Until I become worn out I keep prolonging it
That time, that place, it will never disappear - this bond
In time that flows, I try not to lose anything
Passing by, we collided - true emotion
Permeated my heart, into warm desires
The miracle I requested came about by chance
Even when things couldn't stand still, amidst the pain
I saw the light, because we were bound together
It's okay if you lied, and it's okay to cry
That time, that place, it will never disappear - this bond
It's okay for my steps to continue, these hands have separated
Walking away from where you continue to live
Until I become worn out I keep prolonging it
That time, that place, it will never disappear - this bond
Working with Jin was fun. It almost didn’t feel like work at all. Except for memorizing the lines. It felt good, to be that carefree. In Gokusen, Kame felt as if Odagiri Ryu and Yabuki Hayato weren’t just fictional characters. They were Jin and Kame’s personas. They played themselves. The only difference was, in real life, Jin would never hurt Kame physically like Hayato did. And well, Kame wasn’s the smartest when it came to school subjects.
While filming Gokusen, Kame learnt many things. Some didn’t matter. Some… he just couldn’t ignore. Like how his heart made a somersault when Jin smiled or laughed or did silly things. Other times he felt as if his heart had stopped beating when Jin stood too close to him, or whispering something right to his ear.
He knew what that was. Oh God, he knew. And that’s why he felt his heart ached when he saw Jin being too close to other person other than him. That’s why it ached when he saw how well liked Jin by others. At first, he tried to convince himself that it meant nothing. It’s only a normal, rivalry feeling. Kame hated to lose. He didn’t want to lose to Jin and his natural talent.
Later on he learnt it was called Jealousy. He’s not that far off from his first assumption. Only this time he knew what he didn’t want the most. It’s not losing to Jin.
It’s losing Jin.
~~~~~~~
Kizuna. He made it for Jin. Especially for Jin. Because, being an idol, he knew there’re limits he couldn’t cross. He couldn’t say what he really felt without thinking about the consequences. And Jin could be really dense at times. Or he pretended to. Kame didn’t want to pry on the subject.
Whatever, that’s the reason why Kame made the song. He could be honest in his own song. And because Jin loved music. Kame wasn’t a lyricist. He’s not like Jin that could make songs abruptly. But that’s what made his lyric special. He never made lyrics with no meaning.
Kizuna. Their bond that would never fade. Getting stronger when Jin tied it with his care.
Jin answered Kame’s heart with his own song. Care.
~~~~~~~
KAT-TUN. Their new family. Their family for years that had passed. For years yet to come. They all worked hard to build KAT-TUN. They wanted KAT-TUN to be known worldwide. And they watched how their efforts slowly showed its result. They had many fans. They held concert. They launched a DVD. But one thing was standing in their way. They hadn’t debuted. And it started to eat them from the inside. When they looked to their neighbor’s yard, they could see how green the grass on the other side. While they’d done their best to make the grass in their own land grow healthily, it seemed the lady of fertility wanted to test on their patience for a while longer. NEWS and Kanjani8, their friends already debuted. They started to feel restless.
And that’s why it felt like a bomb had been dropped on their yard when they heard Kame would have his debut earlier than the rest of the group. He would launch a single with Yamashita Tomohisa.
Cold shoulders were given to Kame. In the earlier days when the news just reached their ears, shouts were never absent. Kame thought he could shoulder it all by himself. It’s for their group’s sake, he thought. But when he saw Jin turned his back to him, he wasn’t so sure anymore.
Kame’s weights dropped drastically. He’s so skinny. His skin was so pale. One would think he developed anorexia. But no. It was the result from the stress, the tight schedules, and the constant voice rang in his ears reminding him that he had betrayed his comrades by debuting first.
~~~~~~~
When the other started to forgive him and think rationally, Kame felt he could breathe normally again. He didn’t even aware it was suffocating before. But it still didn’t make him gain any weights or look healthier. Only happier.
The cure came in the form of a friend who dragged him to an all-you-can-eat Restaurant. That friend was named Jin.
~~~~~~~
KAT-TUN’s debut finally came. And their concert was spectacular. Real Face was a huge success. They all could finally really breathe.
But of course, like in every group, Haters were never absent. And haters hated the perfect one. Kame was the one they targeted the most. But Kame was okay. He was okay. Because the rest of KAT-TUN would catch him when he fall. And he never actually had to be afraid to fall. Cause there’s one person who always held his hands firmly.
Jin.
~~~~~~~
After Hiroshima, it was Nagasaki. The first one was called little boy. The second one was called fat man. The second one had bigger damage than the first. Not only because of the scale or the visible damages this time. The biggest damage was to the soul. The little faint hope to build their country was blown by the second atomic bomb.
As if representing their homeland, the second and bigger bomb was dropped to KAT-TUN. If the first one was in the form of a little skinny boy, this time it’s in the form of a young adult named Akanishi Jin.
~~~~~~~
At times Kame thought it was him. Not Jin. Jin was only dragged in the process. At times Kame thought Jin started it all, when he let go of Kame’s hand, expecting him to walk on his own.
He could barely stand.
~~~~~~~
Jin left for L.A. He was so excited. Kame could see that. But they just debuted a few months ago. The others were angry. They thought Jin was selfish, leaving his responsibilities in the hand of others. Kame didn’t.
Kame didn’t lash out. Kame didn’t cry. And that’s all it took for the other four to let Jin go. Although not so friendly. They let him go.
~~~~~~~
At times, Kame wished, he’d showed his real emotions. At times, Kame regretted not begging Jin to stay. Kame wondered, was he the one to blame?
~~~~~~~
Most times, Kame hated Jin, for leaving him. Most times, Kame hated Jin, for letting go of his hand, shoving him into the blinding spotlight.
But, as he looked at their old photographs, Kame wondered. Wasn’t he the one who shoved Jin from his life?
~~~~~~~
“Kame, why didn’t you tell Jin not to go? You’re the one who’s closest to him. Why didn’t you say anything?” One time, Koki asked. Because Koki was like his shrink and a brother to Kame. Someone who didn’t have to watch where he’s stepping at. Dancing around to avoid inflicted new wound on him. Most of the times they tripped.
Kame liked Koki. Because Koki could be blunt. Ueda probably sensed something, but he’s the mysterious one. And he didn’t like to interfere or pry on a sensitive subject like this one. He couldn’t understand human, he said. Nakamaru was too polite and kind hearted to be able to ask him about it. He didn’t want to open the still-not-healing-completely wound. Because he knew there’s one in Kame’s heart.He just knew. Taguchi, well, he’s Taguchi. He just offered Kame a smile and a lame gag. He seemed oblivious with his surroundings. But Kame knew, he cared. At least if the sudden pat on top of Kame’s head when he seemed lost in his own world was any indication.
Kame sipped his beer. He smiled to Koki. Or at least that was what he attempted to look like. “It’s his dream. I’m his best friend.” He chugged down the rest of his beer. Koki did the same.
“You need to get wasted, man! Here!” Koki threw Kame a new can of beer. “I’m so gonna crash in tonight. Be prepared, tomorrow my drool will be all over your couch.”
Kame felt grateful.
~~~~~~~
When Kame was trying to be honest with himself, he listed down his reasons to let Jin go. He always told himself that he couldn’t do anything anyway. But he knew it’s not that.
When he first learnt about it, he was scarred. He wanted to ask Jin to stay. But the best friend part of him made him stop. He wanted Jin to achieve his dream. Because he’s Jin’s best friend, the one who understood Jin the most.
~~~~~~~
The night before the press conference, they, Jin and Kazuya, talked with each other through phone. Kame was on the edge, but he couldn’t let Jin knew. So he took a deep breath and wishing Jin for the best of luck.
“Good luck and work hard, Jin! I demand you to be able to speak English like a foreigner when you back!” They chuckled. But none was from the hearts. “Kame, thank you.”
“Huh? For what?” Kame asked in a careless tone even though his heart seemed like it wanted to jump out of his chest. In a bad way.
“Thank you for supporting me. You don’t really have to, you know. I know it’s hard. Even Nakamaru gets a bit mad at me!” Jin let out a forced laugh.
“If I’ve stopped you, would’ve it stopped you from leaving?” Jin’s laugh died down on his throat. The warm puff of air was the only answer Kame got.
~~~~~~~
Kame smiled. He felt a bit guilty about it. But Jin’s hesitation made him feel better.
“It’s okay. Just go, Jin. Reach your dream. And then comeback. I’ll wait for you. We’ll wait for you. And I’ll do my best too.” Kame’s tone was sincere, albeit a bit sad. Jin noticed this, but he still felt grateful.
“I- Kame… mmm, thank you. Let’s do our best!”
The atmosphere melted down. Rather than thinking so hard about the future, they’d just enjoy the flow. They talked for some more hours. By the end of their conversation, Jin felt he had to thank God for sending someone like Kame in his life.
“Thank you, Kazu…” Jin said gratefully. This time, Kame didn’t ask Jin a dumb “for what?” Because he just knew. He could read Jin that easily. It gave him the reassurance that everything would be okay.
“Aah… You too.”
“Sleep! Tomorrow is the day for the press conference”
“You too, Kame-chan~” They laughed, and the call ended.
~~~~~~~
Jin had gone. Kame was alone now. Of course, the remaining members of KAT-TUN were still there. But it’s not the same without Jin. Kame had to learn how to go through this long and hard way on his own. There’s no comforting presence, no “it’ll be alright, no gentle squeeze, no strong arms that could shielded him. There’s no Jin.
This single fact only showed its true extent when Kame started getting harsher words from the “fans”. And it’s hurt. Kame did his best to make the fans happy. He tried so hard to cover Jin’s absent. But the more he tried, the harsher the world became to him. Kame was tired.
~~~~~~~
Jin did comeback. But he’d changed. He’s no longer the Jin Kame knew. That’s what everyone thought. But at night, when Kame curled up under the blanket, wishing for the eternal cold he had to bear to go away, he thought, maybe it’s not Jin. Maybe it’s him. He had changed. He’s no longer the little Kazu who needed Jin as his life source. He’s stronger. The hatred he received shaped him into the current him.
Jin was trying so hard to get Kame back. To keep in the same league as the others. But in the end, all he got was whispers with no form telling him that he had changed.
So he did.
~~~~~~~
Jin and Kame were face to face. They could see each other clearly. But the bulletproof mirror that stood high in between, separating them, made it hard for them to reach the other. In the end, there’s a rift between them. Their Kizuna was still there. But at the same time, Kame could barely feel it. He refused to because the string squeezed him so hard, he’s bleeding.
Jin was driven away. Akanishi Jin, the handsome kid who beamed at him telling Kame that he’s cute was no longer there. It’s been replaced by a cold human who hided behind a façade. Kame thought, it must be tiring.
And the day came when that new person were finally released from his cage. That person could finally breathe the air of freedom he once had when he flew to L.A. Jin was no longer a KAT-TUN member. But to Kame, he hadn’t really been for a long time.
Even so, a single tear trailed his smooth skin as he realized now the “A” wouldn’t be there to stand side by side with him, even in silence. Now the “A” only meant him.
~~~~~~~
When he was Kamenashi Kazuya, the idol, he had to carry the K and the A everywhere. It’s heavy, the weight on his shoulder. But he lifted it up. He had to. He needed to fill the vacancy that was left by Jin. He could do that. But the hollow in his heart, he could never patch it up.
~~~~~~~~
Despite the fact he’s no longer Jin’s best friend (he admitted bitterly), Kame was happy to see Jin’s achievement. Even though Jin was no longer in KAT-TUN, Kame could see Jin had gone back to the Cheerful Jin he recognized in their younger years. If he gave it a thought, he met Jin and became Jin’s friend even before KAT-TUN. Jin was Jin. Maybe Jin’s decision to leave KAT-TUN was for the best after all.
~~~~~~~
Kame’s world turned upside down. He couldn’t believe what he’s seeing and hearing. Jin, his secret long time crush, married one of his co-stars, Kuroki Meisa. And the baby…
Kame laughed soundlessly. He picked himself up. Time to choose which mask he needed to use.
~~~~~~~
“I think I just heard something’s broken..”
“That’s my heart, dummy.”
~~~~~~~
It seemed like KAT-TUN had to face setbacks to be able to form a stronger bond. When Jin gone they so desperately convinced themselves that KAT-TUN would be stronger and unbreakable. Now they knew how important it was to bond with the individual. Selfish wishes and actions would affect KAT-TUN.
They didn’t say how much they loved KAT-TUN repeatedly again. They learnt through the years, the one who said it the most could turn up to be the one who left. Maybe he actually tried to convince himself by saying it so many times.
Jin left. Koki left. 4. Now Ueda needed to shoulder the T, just like Kame had been doing for years. KAT-TUN restarted and restarted again, Ueda said.
They knew, there’d be no 3-nin KAT-TUN. If someone left, it’d be over. And they’re mature enough to know there’s always possibility. Kame tried his best for KAT-TUN. For him, it’s the only dream he had left. But Kame could break one day. Taguchi was the most positive one. He might be had the lamest pun ever, but he’s actually considerate. Maybe he would be the last to leave KAT-TUN. But then again, he’s the one with a steady relationship. Ueda was forced to shoulder the T. It’s hard, because he’s still in the middle of searching the identity of the U. But now a new face was shoved to him. He didn’t know if he’d be able to find his real face. Nakamaru was the wise one. But he’s the oldest and the one with the highest education. Someday he’d want to have a stable life with a loving wife and smart children. And to achieve that, sometimes one had to let go of something else.
But it’s still in the days -hopefully years- to come. For now, they would treasure KAT-TUN. Because, even if they denied it, KAT-TUN was precious. It’s their family.
~~~~~~~
Tonight, Kazuya got the shock of his life. Though being an idol had its own advantage. He could cover his surprise when Jin approached him in the Bruno Mars concert. They talked for a little while. Still too carefully because they afraid to step on the other’s toes. Nevertheless, Kame felt happy. It’s the first step, he thought. Maybe, just maybe, they could start over. Just like KAT-TUN.
That night, under the moonlight, for the first time in years since Jin’s departure, Kame could breathe freely. And he could feel the K and the A danced and flew around. It’s a slow rhythm. But…
It’s not that bad.
~~~~~~~
Hello was the start of a goodbye. Goodbye was the start of a new Hello.
They fought against the nature’s law. They met and became friend instantly. Then they became the best of friends in no time. The attraction the felt for each other was something dangerous. But exciting at the same time. Their fate intertwined. And maybe because Kame loved Jin and Jin loved Kame but didn’t dare to let the other knew, fate decided to punish them.
Friends, Best Friends, Almost lovers, Strangers.
They became strangers. They felt heartaches. But after their first encounter in years, they thought, hey, maybe that’s just the way it supposed to be. They’d take this slowly. This time they’d start from the lowest step. And gradually, hopefully, they’d be together.
~~~~~~~
Reverse.
Recipient: nimlothemeli
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4318
Disclaimer: All of this is fiction.
Warnings: none
Author's Notes: I made this in the last minute, so I need to change some things. There’re at least 10 scenes that I initially want to put but decide not to because of the time. And you probably can see it’s rushed. I’m a newbie, and this’ll be my first exchange. So, I hope I won’t disappoint you (much)^^ Enjoy :D
Summary: Things didn’t go right the first time. So it’s time to start over. Reverse.
Reverse
Dreams of a moonlit night, stained blue memories,
I knew this love was unfulfilled
I wonder when our feelings began conflicting?
Can we still make it right?
Don't rouse me from my dream
With sweet eyes, caress me
Gently...
When I feel you
When I love you
Our days in the moonlit night shrouded in mist
A fragile promise
It's okay if it's a lie,
I want to be an important existence to you
I chased it too far
Bewitching dance
A beautiful temptation
More...
When I miss you
When I want you
I'll recall the distant shining memories and move on
But the unimportant things that fill my mind
won't disappear and can't be erased
In the moonlight that only shines one night
I cast everything off and become a fluttering butterfly
Hold me close even when I'm reborn
Love me with the same tenderness
In the moonlight that only shines one night
I cast everything off and become a withering flower
Hold me close even when I'm reborn
Love me, even if it's in your dreams
So please...
Under the moonlight
~~~~~~~
If their story started from a different path would the result be different?
They’re like firework. When it was ignited by the spark, it’d launched high and fast. It bloomed into a magical flower, dancing in the dark sky. Beautiful. Magnificent. But as fast as it happened, it disappeared just as fast. The sound died down. The bright color faded, blended with the night. What left were the loud silence, the memories and the moon.
~~~~~~~~
The waiting time felt endless. Many kids were waiting excitedly for their turn. Kame didn’t feel that enthusiastic. He’s bored even. If it’s not for his parents he wouldn’t be bothered to come to the audition. He’d rather got mud all over his clothes while playing baseball. He wanted to pitch a ball. Not getting some voice training
Kazuya sulked. He even still wore his baseball uniform. Some snobby kids at the corner pointed at him while talking with each other. Occasionally laughing. Sometimes Kame could hear something that sounded suspiciously like “bushy eyebrows”, “ugly duckling”, “what does he think wearing something like that?”. Kame looked down. He swung his feet. Sometimes he drew some invisible random pattern with the tip of his sole.
“Are you nervous?” The beautiful and cheerful voice he heard made Kame to look up. At that moment Kame knew, he knew, or maybe he didn’t. He’s screwed.
~~~~~~~
“Mind if I sit next to you?” The handsome kid asked him politely. Kame was a bit stunned. But the stranger had made the motion to sit anyway. Kame nodded just for the heck of it.
“Why are you here all alone?” The stranger asked with a light tone. Kame pursed his lips. He didn’t answer. His hands played with a loose thread on his trousers. His eyes threw fleeting glances at the snobby kids. The motion was subtle. But the stranger noticed it. He’d been watching Kame.
“It’s okay. Don’t mind them.” Kame turned his face toward the stranger. “We’re all here wanted to be accepted. No matter what people say, the result is what matters, right? I’m sure you’re talented and will be able to pass.” The stranger gave him a sunny smile.
Kame was silent for a while. He was glad for the stranger’s words of courage. But he didn’t know Kame. Kame didn’t even want to be here. All Kame was good at was baseball. How could this stranger come and say something so ridiculous like that?
“I don’t want to be accepted. I don’t even want to be here. I want to be a pro baseball player. Not an idol. And you, what are you doing here with me? You don’t even know me. And they’re probably right. It still pisses me off, but I really am ugly.” Kame gave the stranger a pointed look. The stranger only smiled brightly.
“If you really don’t want to be accepted, why are you still here? You could always tell your parents you really don’t want it and I have the feeling that they will understand. But you’re here, waiting patiently. And there’re even annoying kids who badmouth you but you’re still staying strong and stay here.” Kame felt dumbfounded. Now that he thought about it. It’s true. But still…
“The fact that you haven’t given up means that somewhere in your heart you want to be accepted. You want to compete. And don’t you want to beat those kids?” Jin pointed his finger to their direction with no subtlety at all. “If I were you, I would’ve taken the challenge. I’d prove to them that I’m better than them and they can’t judge me just from my appearance.” The stranger gave a reassuring pat on top of Kame’s head.
“I still don’t get it though. What’s wrong with people’s eyes nowadays? I think you’re really cute!” The stranger beamed. And Kame tried to keep his composure -which failed miserably- as his face turned pink.
~~~~~~~
They talked animatedly, as if they’re friends for a long time and not strangers who just met. They didn’t even remember the fact that they’re rivals. They laughed freely, receiving not-so-subtle glances.
Kame almost forgot all about the auditions. Until his name was called. He became nervous suddenly. His face looked pale. His hands felt so cold. He stood up from the chair he was sitting. His knees were shaky. He wouldn’t be this nervous if he really didn’t care. Maybe the stranger was right after all. And that’s when Kame realized he still didn’t know what’s his stranger-now-friend’s name! He looked at him right when he felt a light but reassuring squeeze on his hand. It’s warm.
“Don’t be afraid. You’ll be alright. You play baseball, so you must be agile and have a lot of power!” The handsome kid smiled sunnily and squeezed Kame’s hand tighter before he let it go.
Kame smiled then nodded. Somehow he just felt like he could trust this new friend of his. “Thank you. And..” Kame smiled sheepishly. “My name is Kamenashi Kazuya. Mmm, you?”
“Jin. Akanishi Jin.” Kame nodded once again and then dashed off -half running- to enter the room. Mid way, he shouted, “Wish me luck, Jin!” He missed the soft chuckle that came out from Jin’s mouth. Jin murmured, “Good luck, Kazu-chan!”
~~~~~~~
The result was out. Jin was unhappy about it. It’s weird, but he was more upset that he couldn’t work together with the cute Kazu-chan rather than the fact he wasn’t accepted. Kame was also unhappy about it. After all, he was accepted! So, what in the world could make a talented boy like Jin to not make it?! Jin said it’s okay and even congratulated him. But he just didn’t feel it right. And when the ones who succeed were called for a brief summary, he thought it would be the last time he saw Jin.
~~~~~~~
Jin wondered around. He didn’t know if he should wait for Kazu-chan or not. He already waved goodbye to him as well. That’s when he remembered he hadn’t given the number plate back. That’s when he saw an old man. He approached the man.
~~~~~~~
Fate loved to tie people with its strings. Or maybe Johnny-san did. Because later on Jin and Kazuya were jumping together in happiness. Jin was accepted. And that’s all that mattered. They didn’t give any attention to the old man who tried his best to hide the smile tugging from the corner of his lips.
~~~~~~~
No matter how much we consider the future
No one can see the truth
Something is blocking my blank mind
It's just a mistake that I've been repeating
It's okay for my steps to continue, these hands have separated
Walking away from where you continue to live
Until I become worn out I keep prolonging it
That time, that place, it will never disappear - this bond
In time that flows, I try not to lose anything
Passing by, we collided - true emotion
Permeated my heart, into warm desires
The miracle I requested came about by chance
Even when things couldn't stand still, amidst the pain
I saw the light, because we were bound together
It's okay if you lied, and it's okay to cry
That time, that place, it will never disappear - this bond
It's okay for my steps to continue, these hands have separated
Walking away from where you continue to live
Until I become worn out I keep prolonging it
That time, that place, it will never disappear - this bond
Working with Jin was fun. It almost didn’t feel like work at all. Except for memorizing the lines. It felt good, to be that carefree. In Gokusen, Kame felt as if Odagiri Ryu and Yabuki Hayato weren’t just fictional characters. They were Jin and Kame’s personas. They played themselves. The only difference was, in real life, Jin would never hurt Kame physically like Hayato did. And well, Kame wasn’s the smartest when it came to school subjects.
While filming Gokusen, Kame learnt many things. Some didn’t matter. Some… he just couldn’t ignore. Like how his heart made a somersault when Jin smiled or laughed or did silly things. Other times he felt as if his heart had stopped beating when Jin stood too close to him, or whispering something right to his ear.
He knew what that was. Oh God, he knew. And that’s why he felt his heart ached when he saw Jin being too close to other person other than him. That’s why it ached when he saw how well liked Jin by others. At first, he tried to convince himself that it meant nothing. It’s only a normal, rivalry feeling. Kame hated to lose. He didn’t want to lose to Jin and his natural talent.
Later on he learnt it was called Jealousy. He’s not that far off from his first assumption. Only this time he knew what he didn’t want the most. It’s not losing to Jin.
It’s losing Jin.
~~~~~~~
Kizuna. He made it for Jin. Especially for Jin. Because, being an idol, he knew there’re limits he couldn’t cross. He couldn’t say what he really felt without thinking about the consequences. And Jin could be really dense at times. Or he pretended to. Kame didn’t want to pry on the subject.
Whatever, that’s the reason why Kame made the song. He could be honest in his own song. And because Jin loved music. Kame wasn’t a lyricist. He’s not like Jin that could make songs abruptly. But that’s what made his lyric special. He never made lyrics with no meaning.
Kizuna. Their bond that would never fade. Getting stronger when Jin tied it with his care.
Jin answered Kame’s heart with his own song. Care.
~~~~~~~
KAT-TUN. Their new family. Their family for years that had passed. For years yet to come. They all worked hard to build KAT-TUN. They wanted KAT-TUN to be known worldwide. And they watched how their efforts slowly showed its result. They had many fans. They held concert. They launched a DVD. But one thing was standing in their way. They hadn’t debuted. And it started to eat them from the inside. When they looked to their neighbor’s yard, they could see how green the grass on the other side. While they’d done their best to make the grass in their own land grow healthily, it seemed the lady of fertility wanted to test on their patience for a while longer. NEWS and Kanjani8, their friends already debuted. They started to feel restless.
And that’s why it felt like a bomb had been dropped on their yard when they heard Kame would have his debut earlier than the rest of the group. He would launch a single with Yamashita Tomohisa.
Cold shoulders were given to Kame. In the earlier days when the news just reached their ears, shouts were never absent. Kame thought he could shoulder it all by himself. It’s for their group’s sake, he thought. But when he saw Jin turned his back to him, he wasn’t so sure anymore.
Kame’s weights dropped drastically. He’s so skinny. His skin was so pale. One would think he developed anorexia. But no. It was the result from the stress, the tight schedules, and the constant voice rang in his ears reminding him that he had betrayed his comrades by debuting first.
~~~~~~~
When the other started to forgive him and think rationally, Kame felt he could breathe normally again. He didn’t even aware it was suffocating before. But it still didn’t make him gain any weights or look healthier. Only happier.
The cure came in the form of a friend who dragged him to an all-you-can-eat Restaurant. That friend was named Jin.
~~~~~~~
KAT-TUN’s debut finally came. And their concert was spectacular. Real Face was a huge success. They all could finally really breathe.
But of course, like in every group, Haters were never absent. And haters hated the perfect one. Kame was the one they targeted the most. But Kame was okay. He was okay. Because the rest of KAT-TUN would catch him when he fall. And he never actually had to be afraid to fall. Cause there’s one person who always held his hands firmly.
Jin.
~~~~~~~
After Hiroshima, it was Nagasaki. The first one was called little boy. The second one was called fat man. The second one had bigger damage than the first. Not only because of the scale or the visible damages this time. The biggest damage was to the soul. The little faint hope to build their country was blown by the second atomic bomb.
As if representing their homeland, the second and bigger bomb was dropped to KAT-TUN. If the first one was in the form of a little skinny boy, this time it’s in the form of a young adult named Akanishi Jin.
~~~~~~~
At times Kame thought it was him. Not Jin. Jin was only dragged in the process. At times Kame thought Jin started it all, when he let go of Kame’s hand, expecting him to walk on his own.
He could barely stand.
~~~~~~~
Jin left for L.A. He was so excited. Kame could see that. But they just debuted a few months ago. The others were angry. They thought Jin was selfish, leaving his responsibilities in the hand of others. Kame didn’t.
Kame didn’t lash out. Kame didn’t cry. And that’s all it took for the other four to let Jin go. Although not so friendly. They let him go.
~~~~~~~
At times, Kame wished, he’d showed his real emotions. At times, Kame regretted not begging Jin to stay. Kame wondered, was he the one to blame?
~~~~~~~
Most times, Kame hated Jin, for leaving him. Most times, Kame hated Jin, for letting go of his hand, shoving him into the blinding spotlight.
But, as he looked at their old photographs, Kame wondered. Wasn’t he the one who shoved Jin from his life?
~~~~~~~
“Kame, why didn’t you tell Jin not to go? You’re the one who’s closest to him. Why didn’t you say anything?” One time, Koki asked. Because Koki was like his shrink and a brother to Kame. Someone who didn’t have to watch where he’s stepping at. Dancing around to avoid inflicted new wound on him. Most of the times they tripped.
Kame liked Koki. Because Koki could be blunt. Ueda probably sensed something, but he’s the mysterious one. And he didn’t like to interfere or pry on a sensitive subject like this one. He couldn’t understand human, he said. Nakamaru was too polite and kind hearted to be able to ask him about it. He didn’t want to open the still-not-healing-completely wound. Because he knew there’s one in Kame’s heart.He just knew. Taguchi, well, he’s Taguchi. He just offered Kame a smile and a lame gag. He seemed oblivious with his surroundings. But Kame knew, he cared. At least if the sudden pat on top of Kame’s head when he seemed lost in his own world was any indication.
Kame sipped his beer. He smiled to Koki. Or at least that was what he attempted to look like. “It’s his dream. I’m his best friend.” He chugged down the rest of his beer. Koki did the same.
“You need to get wasted, man! Here!” Koki threw Kame a new can of beer. “I’m so gonna crash in tonight. Be prepared, tomorrow my drool will be all over your couch.”
Kame felt grateful.
~~~~~~~
When Kame was trying to be honest with himself, he listed down his reasons to let Jin go. He always told himself that he couldn’t do anything anyway. But he knew it’s not that.
When he first learnt about it, he was scarred. He wanted to ask Jin to stay. But the best friend part of him made him stop. He wanted Jin to achieve his dream. Because he’s Jin’s best friend, the one who understood Jin the most.
~~~~~~~
The night before the press conference, they, Jin and Kazuya, talked with each other through phone. Kame was on the edge, but he couldn’t let Jin knew. So he took a deep breath and wishing Jin for the best of luck.
“Good luck and work hard, Jin! I demand you to be able to speak English like a foreigner when you back!” They chuckled. But none was from the hearts. “Kame, thank you.”
“Huh? For what?” Kame asked in a careless tone even though his heart seemed like it wanted to jump out of his chest. In a bad way.
“Thank you for supporting me. You don’t really have to, you know. I know it’s hard. Even Nakamaru gets a bit mad at me!” Jin let out a forced laugh.
“If I’ve stopped you, would’ve it stopped you from leaving?” Jin’s laugh died down on his throat. The warm puff of air was the only answer Kame got.
~~~~~~~
Kame smiled. He felt a bit guilty about it. But Jin’s hesitation made him feel better.
“It’s okay. Just go, Jin. Reach your dream. And then comeback. I’ll wait for you. We’ll wait for you. And I’ll do my best too.” Kame’s tone was sincere, albeit a bit sad. Jin noticed this, but he still felt grateful.
“I- Kame… mmm, thank you. Let’s do our best!”
The atmosphere melted down. Rather than thinking so hard about the future, they’d just enjoy the flow. They talked for some more hours. By the end of their conversation, Jin felt he had to thank God for sending someone like Kame in his life.
“Thank you, Kazu…” Jin said gratefully. This time, Kame didn’t ask Jin a dumb “for what?” Because he just knew. He could read Jin that easily. It gave him the reassurance that everything would be okay.
“Aah… You too.”
“Sleep! Tomorrow is the day for the press conference”
“You too, Kame-chan~” They laughed, and the call ended.
~~~~~~~
Jin had gone. Kame was alone now. Of course, the remaining members of KAT-TUN were still there. But it’s not the same without Jin. Kame had to learn how to go through this long and hard way on his own. There’s no comforting presence, no “it’ll be alright, no gentle squeeze, no strong arms that could shielded him. There’s no Jin.
This single fact only showed its true extent when Kame started getting harsher words from the “fans”. And it’s hurt. Kame did his best to make the fans happy. He tried so hard to cover Jin’s absent. But the more he tried, the harsher the world became to him. Kame was tired.
~~~~~~~
Jin did comeback. But he’d changed. He’s no longer the Jin Kame knew. That’s what everyone thought. But at night, when Kame curled up under the blanket, wishing for the eternal cold he had to bear to go away, he thought, maybe it’s not Jin. Maybe it’s him. He had changed. He’s no longer the little Kazu who needed Jin as his life source. He’s stronger. The hatred he received shaped him into the current him.
Jin was trying so hard to get Kame back. To keep in the same league as the others. But in the end, all he got was whispers with no form telling him that he had changed.
So he did.
~~~~~~~
Jin and Kame were face to face. They could see each other clearly. But the bulletproof mirror that stood high in between, separating them, made it hard for them to reach the other. In the end, there’s a rift between them. Their Kizuna was still there. But at the same time, Kame could barely feel it. He refused to because the string squeezed him so hard, he’s bleeding.
Jin was driven away. Akanishi Jin, the handsome kid who beamed at him telling Kame that he’s cute was no longer there. It’s been replaced by a cold human who hided behind a façade. Kame thought, it must be tiring.
And the day came when that new person were finally released from his cage. That person could finally breathe the air of freedom he once had when he flew to L.A. Jin was no longer a KAT-TUN member. But to Kame, he hadn’t really been for a long time.
Even so, a single tear trailed his smooth skin as he realized now the “A” wouldn’t be there to stand side by side with him, even in silence. Now the “A” only meant him.
~~~~~~~
When he was Kamenashi Kazuya, the idol, he had to carry the K and the A everywhere. It’s heavy, the weight on his shoulder. But he lifted it up. He had to. He needed to fill the vacancy that was left by Jin. He could do that. But the hollow in his heart, he could never patch it up.
~~~~~~~~
Despite the fact he’s no longer Jin’s best friend (he admitted bitterly), Kame was happy to see Jin’s achievement. Even though Jin was no longer in KAT-TUN, Kame could see Jin had gone back to the Cheerful Jin he recognized in their younger years. If he gave it a thought, he met Jin and became Jin’s friend even before KAT-TUN. Jin was Jin. Maybe Jin’s decision to leave KAT-TUN was for the best after all.
~~~~~~~
Kame’s world turned upside down. He couldn’t believe what he’s seeing and hearing. Jin, his secret long time crush, married one of his co-stars, Kuroki Meisa. And the baby…
Kame laughed soundlessly. He picked himself up. Time to choose which mask he needed to use.
~~~~~~~
“I think I just heard something’s broken..”
“That’s my heart, dummy.”
~~~~~~~
It seemed like KAT-TUN had to face setbacks to be able to form a stronger bond. When Jin gone they so desperately convinced themselves that KAT-TUN would be stronger and unbreakable. Now they knew how important it was to bond with the individual. Selfish wishes and actions would affect KAT-TUN.
They didn’t say how much they loved KAT-TUN repeatedly again. They learnt through the years, the one who said it the most could turn up to be the one who left. Maybe he actually tried to convince himself by saying it so many times.
Jin left. Koki left. 4. Now Ueda needed to shoulder the T, just like Kame had been doing for years. KAT-TUN restarted and restarted again, Ueda said.
They knew, there’d be no 3-nin KAT-TUN. If someone left, it’d be over. And they’re mature enough to know there’s always possibility. Kame tried his best for KAT-TUN. For him, it’s the only dream he had left. But Kame could break one day. Taguchi was the most positive one. He might be had the lamest pun ever, but he’s actually considerate. Maybe he would be the last to leave KAT-TUN. But then again, he’s the one with a steady relationship. Ueda was forced to shoulder the T. It’s hard, because he’s still in the middle of searching the identity of the U. But now a new face was shoved to him. He didn’t know if he’d be able to find his real face. Nakamaru was the wise one. But he’s the oldest and the one with the highest education. Someday he’d want to have a stable life with a loving wife and smart children. And to achieve that, sometimes one had to let go of something else.
But it’s still in the days -hopefully years- to come. For now, they would treasure KAT-TUN. Because, even if they denied it, KAT-TUN was precious. It’s their family.
~~~~~~~
Tonight, Kazuya got the shock of his life. Though being an idol had its own advantage. He could cover his surprise when Jin approached him in the Bruno Mars concert. They talked for a little while. Still too carefully because they afraid to step on the other’s toes. Nevertheless, Kame felt happy. It’s the first step, he thought. Maybe, just maybe, they could start over. Just like KAT-TUN.
That night, under the moonlight, for the first time in years since Jin’s departure, Kame could breathe freely. And he could feel the K and the A danced and flew around. It’s a slow rhythm. But…
It’s not that bad.
~~~~~~~
Hello was the start of a goodbye. Goodbye was the start of a new Hello.
They fought against the nature’s law. They met and became friend instantly. Then they became the best of friends in no time. The attraction the felt for each other was something dangerous. But exciting at the same time. Their fate intertwined. And maybe because Kame loved Jin and Jin loved Kame but didn’t dare to let the other knew, fate decided to punish them.
Friends, Best Friends, Almost lovers, Strangers.
They became strangers. They felt heartaches. But after their first encounter in years, they thought, hey, maybe that’s just the way it supposed to be. They’d take this slowly. This time they’d start from the lowest step. And gradually, hopefully, they’d be together.
~~~~~~~
Reverse.