Gift fic for bilbo: The Shape of Water: say you want the same thing too (1/2)
Title: The shape of water: say you want the same thing too
Written For: bilbo
Pairing: Kamenashi Kazuya and Akanishi Jin akakame4ever
Rating: R for swearing, nudity and some sexual activity.
Word Count: 11, 100 words
Warnings: None
Author's Notes: Bilbo, I hope this covers some of your wants! This turned out very differently to what I was expecting and how I normally write; it’s a bit more deep third person point of view than I usually write. Your prompt “I need to be bold, jump in the cold water” led me to the song, and that helped shape your request for angst. Apparently, that song, that prompt and your request for angst lived in a very specific time period for me - 2006-7! (And don’t worry about the title - I swear there are no fishman!akame here).
Summary: Water changes shape to reflect it’s surroundings. In 2006, Jin goes to LA and Kame is determined to know why.
You can also read this story at the AO3.
Ripples - October 2006
He’s not sulking. Definitely not.
Or angrily focusing on what had been said. Not that either.
Or brooding. He was not a chicken. No brooding.
Or angsting. Or..... being aggressively sad.
Or panicking.
Or regretting.
In fact he’s almost perfectly unemotional. Like a robot. Maybe Jin was right, maybe he really wasn’t ready to deal with emotions or feelings. Robots only have programming, they don’t need emotions. If he doesn’t have emotions he wouldn’t need to worry about slipping. Slipping would be the worst possible thing.
Yes, that’s something he could get behind.
A robot.
A perfect robot.
A robot just sitting here, near the ocean, on a sea wall, in the middle of the night, listening to the ocean because its the one place he has been able to find tonight where his heart didn’t feel like it was going to beat right out of his chest.
The sounds of the waves were also not really helping him drown out the sound of Jin’s voice in his ears.
The darkness was not helping him forget the look on Jin’s face either. Or the…
A robot wouldn’t need that help though would it.
Kame draws in a shaky breath, and lights a cigarette. Robots wouldn’t need to breathe either. He could really become the perfect idol if he could run and dance and sing and never need to breathe.
That would be really useful. So would not sleeping, or eating. Scheduling would be so easy. They could just plug him into recharge in the car on his way to places….. Smoke curls around his fingers as he inhales.
A perfect robot that never ran out of time, or breath, or sleep.
There was never enough time.
He exhales, steadily emptying his lungs. He was tired, so tired of not having time. Never enough time to really relax or take a break, only enough to really catch up on sleep, reset the stupid sleep pattern he was in or snatch a few hours for something that wasn’t scheduled. Thankfully their manager Hasegawa was reasonable. She could be convinced to block out a few hours here and there, but it wasn’t always her choice, and even she had limits to her influence.
A second inhale is easier, he drags the smoke from the cigarette inside and concentrates on just that sensation. Robots don’t age either. Maybe that would be the perfect future solution for the idol industry. Never needing to worry about aging or sickness or time or being perfectly prepared or whether your hair was perfect or care or …
Or importantly feel.
His throat is starting to burn, so he lets the smoke escape from his lungs. Any stinging in his eyes was due to the smoke.
After the whole Shuji to Akira debacle he had really thought it was behind him. He didn’t think he would need to ever be like that again. Over orange juice and pancakes, he’d promised hi..people. He had promised that it would never be that bad again. The not eating or sleeping, the days on end of working around the clock because that was what was being asked. The memory loss and losing track of where he was and the sleep walking, losing control and the supplements to help him sleep, the others to wake him up, the health schedule with vitamins and protein shakes to make sure he could keep going…
Nope. Thinking about that morning was not going to help.
Robots had no regrets.
Regrets made you feel. He wasn't allowed to feel. Surely Jin knew that right? They were distracting and unprofessional. Feeling led to bad things happening for him and the group and Jin should remember what he had done to him last time he had...
He concentrated on syncing his breathing to the sound of the waves. In and out. In and out. Ro. Bot. Ro. Bot.
It helped.
When he finally trudged back to his car, and slid into the drivers seat, he almost felt ready to face Jin again. To tell him what he had decided, and how he was going to manage things from now on.
Jin always understood him in the end, after he had listened and Kame had explained everything. That was still the same. So he just needed to explain the benefits, why he couldn’t let himself openly feel anything real and...
Jin wouldn’t understand that bit. He could never do it for himself, but maybe …. just… maybe he could at least see that it was Kame’s safest option? The best option for everyone? It was only a little change - idols were designed to have images, and this one was just a little more developed. Safe. It would really benefit everyone in KAT-TUN, they needed to have roles and differences in the group and this way he could be the perfect idol type. It wasn’t even that big of a stretch, he had never been treated as the baby of the group and this way he could be more of a cool type. Jin could be more his pace and… this could work.
Right?
His phone had been left on the passenger seat, and the screen was glowing. Kame glanced at it uncertainly; it was way too late for a random phone call. No one knew he was out here, but so few people had this number and maybe it was ..... he checked the name. Nakamaru. Nakamaru? Icy fingers ran down his spine. Nakamaru didn’t make random phone calls at five in the morning. Shaky fingers pressed against the button, accepting the call.
“Where are you?” Nakamaru demands. “I’ve been calling for two hours.”
“Sorry,” Kame croaks.
Nakamaru pauses. “Are you ok?”
“I’m fine,” Kame bluffs, his voice creaky from disuse. He clears his throat. “Sorry I left my phone in the car. What’s wrong?”
Nakamaru ignores the question. “Where are you?” He demands again.
“I went for a drive. I wanted to see the ocean,” Kame says and Nakamaru swears. “I just needed a break after all the filming promotional bookings for Tatta this week, and I have a late call today.” He knows he sounds defensive, but the words slip out before he can stop them. It may not have been the smartest or most responsible decision to stay out all night, but he was allowed o…..
“Where exactly?” Nakamaru interrupts.
“Numazu.”
“You drove all the way to Shizuoka?” Nakamaru swears again, and Kame feels the tendrils of worry spiraling in his stomach get stronger. “How long until you are back?”
Kame checks his watch. “Two hours?”
“That’s too late. You won’t make it.”
“For what?”
“Jin’s press conference.”
“Why is he having a press conference?”
Nakamaru is silent and the surge of panic that hits Kame’s stomach makes him think of a rollercoaster. “What press conference?”
The way Nakamaru drags in a breath unsettles Kame even further. “It’s scheduled for this morning. Jin’s going on hiatus. He flies to the US today.”
“What?” Kame whispered.
“He said you knew.”
“No.”
“He said you agreed to it.”
“I didn’t agr...” he broke off. “No. Nakamaru. I said we needed to change the group dynamic, not… I didn’t mean.... Tell him no. Tell him not to.”
“Kazuya.” Sharp, like a knife cutting across his nerves. “Kazuya, it’s too late to stop this. It came from Johnny.
“I didn’t mean... Nakamaru I swear I didn’t mean for him to...”
“Get back to Tokyo. Get back here now. Do not go to your apartment, come straight to the agency and we can try and … Get yourself here.”
“I will be there as soon as I can."
“Kame, drive safely. An accident or a police stop today is not going to go down well.”
“I will.”
He didn’t make it.
They stopped him in the agency carpark.
**
Tides - January 2007
He couldn’t see the beach from here, but he could hear it. The waves rolling over the beach, crashing on the sand, over and over in the darkness. High tide. It wasn’t cold. It was winter, but California wasn’t cold. He pulled his collar up around his neck. Even here on the coast, it was cool down by the water.
Easy to forget that it was winter in Tokyo.
Easy to forget that January usually meant biting icy wind, grey skies and heavy coats.
He didn’t forget though.
It was just so different here.
Not only the weather of course. The people, the places, the food, even the trains - that hardly anyone used. The cars were huge. He’d eaten so many hamburgers. Worn whatever he wanted. Pulled his hair back under a cap and not shaved for days.
Bought beer.
Smoked in public.
Waited in line to get into a club.
Been anonymous.
People asked him how his day was as they rang up groceries, and then his grocery list and answer didn’t end up in magazines or on morning tv.
He felt so free.
He had so much control over his own time. He had classes scheduled, but then he could decide what to do after hours. When to eat, when to party, when to watch TV or play video games. His choice.
Had to worry about how to pay for things, and whether his bills were paid and how to do things. Language school was helping, but there was still so much to learn and sometimes the words he did know tangled up on his tongue and he was left stuttering instead of talking.
He felt so frustrated sometimes, but he was making progress. There were times when it came easily, when the words just rolled off his tongue. Or the times that it suddenly made sense, when the phrases rearranged themselves and the teacher smiled and praised him, and he felt the flush of success. The impulse to turn and share it with someone… those were the times he felt the sting of loneliness.
That was what made him scared at how easy it would be to forget his life in Tokyo.
It wasn’t like he was cut off from Tokyo. The internet connected him to family and friends sent emails and photos and occasionally links to youtube videos. The time difference made it inconvenient but not impossible to make phone calls, but schedules and commitments made phone calls rare.
He isn’t unhappy.
He isn’t entirely sure he is happy.
Just different.
Christmas and the turn of the year had been so different. Families gathering for Christmas dinners, presents and happy holidays said to everyone you saw. Celebrating the countdown to midnight on a club dance floor with 100 people instead of a Dome with 50,000. Being kissed by anyone within arms reach for the first ten minutes of 2007, and not being worried about pictures in the newspapers.
Watching low quality videos of kohaku and countdown news reports on his laptop as he got ready to go out. Watching them again as he got home at dawn, trying to get his head around it was already two days into the year in Japan and only starting here in LA.
It would be easy to forget all that when no one here really knew what he had been doing the previous year. The freedom to be himself, he wanted and needed it, and he had it. Was it enough though?
Jin leans back, resting his head on the back of the bench. He stares up, into the darkness, but he can’t see the stars or the sky from his position here under the verandah roof. One of his classmates had pulled together a beach house weekend party, and a van full of them had driven down the coast together. They weren’t allowed to smoke inside, house rules, so here he was sitting outside in the dark listening to the ocean. He spun his lighter between his fingers, over and over - the movement was as steady and mindless as the unseen waves. They kept going, those he couldn’t control.
The lighter he can.
He flicks open the top, and stares at the flame. Slowly, he pulls out a cigarette, and lights it, lets the smoke curl around his fingers and linger in the air around him.
The school had organized a camping trip. Maybe that was it. The tipping point where he wasn’t sure anymore. A 2 day camping trip, and he hadn’t had other plans, and the teacher made it sound amazing, and there was always camping trips in movies, and he had gone along. It wasn’t the first time he had slept in a tent, although it sure as hell had been colder this time. They had built a camp fire, toasted marshmallows, and someone had brought a guitar, and there was laughing and singing songs. Some that he recognised, some that people taught each other and… the guitar had ended up in his hands, and someone asked him to sing something.
He still remembered the way his brain froze and his tongue tangled up and he had tried to pass the guitar to someone else, because there was no way he could sing english and play guitar in front of these people, and then one of his classmates had laughed and said just sing something in japanese.
His fingers had found the chords easily enough, as he picked out the intro to Care. He could have blamed his croaky voice on disuse, but it wasn’t that. For one scary moment he had worried that nothing would come out the way he intended, but after the first line, his voice was there, strong and sure and him. He hadn’t sung for weeks, and sitting there in the dark with his classmates and teachers and no pressure or expectations, and it had been blissful.
He had missed it, he hadn’t realized how much he had missed it.
The happy surprise and the thanks from his classmates after he finished were nice, the applause made him oddly shy for a second and then Tomas had pointed at the new girl, Min Jee, and jokingly scolded her for crying. Ducking her head, she had protested she wasn’t but the mood had broken, and Jin hastily handed the guitar over to the next person.
The singing continued, and Jin had clapped along, hummed along when asked until finally someone had announced it was time for the last song. Min Jee was holding the guitar, and she asked everyone to join in if they knew it, and somehow Jin knew what it was she was going to play. Moon River. She sang it quietly, her voice trembling and the uncertainty in the way she formed her words tugged at him. Without really thinking about it, he had joined her on the melody, easing over the words she wavered on, smoothing the edges and by the time they reached the final chorus he automatically shifted into a harmony.
The last notes lingered, faded slowly into the happy hush of their group, as everyone quietly headed into their tents.
Jin had laid awake for hours, listening to his heart beating, feeling his blood pulsing in the silence around him, while still hearing music. Yes, that had definitely been the start of it.
Music made him happy.
Performing made him happy.
Singing made him happy.
For one brief blind moment as the final notes of the harmony had soared into the sky, he had turned to Kame to share that moment of happiness and the stark realisation that he was there alone had felt crushing.
It had been so automatic, that last check in with the person singing with him. Until it was over he hadn’t realized what he was really doing, and then - then he knew.
He needed to sing.
Did he need it more than what he had found here though?
The question had torn at him for days now. Made him restless and snappy, tired in grammar class and distracted in conversation class.
The relentless waves of the ocean pull at him. He could stay, he could stay and try to make a life in music here in the US. LA was right there, how many people had dreams and tried to follow them in LA?
It wouldn’t be safe or easy. Would it be smart? When he had an agency and a contract and the ability to sing in front of thousands of fans? When he still stumbled over conversations, could he write songs? Would anyone be interested in him singing them?
It wasn’t smart.
And … part of him still wanted to try. Part of him wanted to stay here and try and make it. People liked him singing. People liked his voice. He could dance. He looked good on stage. He could learn what he needed to do to make it worldwide.
Alone.
He wasn’t sure that he wanted to do it alone.
He didn’t want to do it alone.
His contract was also water tight, and Johnny had a far reach. He couldn’t imagine many doors being opened to him once they heard Johnny was upset with him.
It would be easier to go back.
Even then, Johnny had not guaranteed he could go back to the way things were. At least six months. KAT-TUN had rolled on without him, hadn’t slowed down at all. Would they have a place for him now?
Would they even want him back?
The reasons to come to LA were still there. The need for change, the drive to see what he could do, the need to spread his wings and be free was still there. So was the loneliness and the need to perform. Cold he ever even be free with all the baggage?
He couldn’t tell. Back and forth, like the tidal waves, pulling him in each direction. Stay or go, stay or go.
Until he couldn’t even tell himself if he meant stay in KAT-TUN or go back to KAT-TUN.
If he went back, it would be different. Johnny had made that clear, and now he had tasted freedom. Would he be able to slot himself back into that micromanaged life? Lack of privacy, lack of control, lack of freedom. Would applause and performing and money make up for the lack of those?
He wavers, stuck on that moment before he has to make the decision. Stay or go. Stay or go.
His phone buzzes, and Jin almost jumps out of his skin. Four AM is not a normal time for phone calls, well not anymore. Four AM phone calls in Tokyo had been a little more predictable on clubbing nights, but most of the people he knew in the US were asleep in the house behind him.
Fumbling in his pocket, he grabs his phone, and the long line of digits on the screen make his stomach drop. Japan calling at this hour - no wait it was like 8 pm over there. Probably not a disaster then.
“Hello?” he answers, and then wants to kick himself.
“Jin?”
“Yeah,” he replies, switching back into japanese. “It’s me.”
“It’s - oh sorry it’s what 4 AM there? I forgot about the time difference. I can call back later -”
“It’s fine,” Jin interrupts, “I was still awake, Kame.”
“Right.” Kame pauses, and the silence stretches between them.
“How are you?” Jin asks finally, when Kame shows no sign of actually talking.
“Good.” Jin raises an eyebrow, and wonders if Kame can somehow feel that all the way across the Pacific, because after a few more seconds, Kame continues. “Busy. The drama finished filming, and we did the end of year shows, and we are recording stuff for the new album soon and starting to look at concert preparation and … they want me to sing Bokura no machi de as a solo on Shounen Club Premium.”
“Is that a problem?”
“It feels weird enough as a five person song, I don’t want to sing it as a solo.”
Jin isn’t sure what to say to that. In fact, he isn’t really sure that this phone call is about or why it is happening. “Can’t you sing your last solo?” he offers.
Kame snorts. “Apparently not. It’s too old and they don’t want me to sing my new one either.”
The pause spirals out into a solid silence, and Jin feels his heart beating in rhythm with the ocean again, except this time it seems like Kame’s breathing has joined too.
Jin opens his mouth to speak, but Kame beats him to it. “I don’t understand why you went.”
“It’s complicated, Kazu.”
“Not good enough.”
“I needed the change,” Jin finally offers. “The chance to learn English properly, and the chance to be me. I needed it.”
“I know that. I know why you want to be there, and what you want from it,” Kame answers, impatience coloring his voice. “Why did Johnny let you go?”
For a moment Jin feels everything around him stop. No one was meant to ask that. Obviously, he chose. Obviously, he decided. He’s always wanted to try living in America, obviously it was his choice.
“I understand why you wanted to go,” Kame continues, apparently not wanting to let this go. “I don’t understand why Johnny let you go.”
“Kazu,” Jin starts, but Kame cuts him off.
“I’ve had months to think about it Jin. If I went to Johnny and said I wanted a break, I would get a three day weekend if I was lucky. If I went to Johnny and said i was desperate to move to Paris to study French, he would pat me on the head, order me a croissant and arrange a french tutor. Why did he let you go?”
“I’m not as important as you?”
“Don’t even.”
“Kazu.”
“I’ll tell you what I think. I think there has to be something else.” Kame pauses, and Jin stops breathing. “I think Johnny has something he used to threaten you, and you agreed.”
“Don’t be sill-“
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
“Kazu.”
“It’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“Kazu, I really needed the change.”
“So you have said.” Kame pauses, and then moves in for the kill. “Why would the company care what you needed?”
Jin can’t think of anything to say that would sound believable, so he clutches the phone and waits for Kame to speak again.
“Your going away had to benefit them somehow. What was it?”
“There was a situation,” Jin says finally. “They had photos, and they said the best way to deal with it was for me to go on hiatus, and wait for it be dealt with. Johnny said we would discuss things later.”
“For fuck’s sake Jin, how could you be stupid enough for there to be photos?” Kame’s anger crackles down the phone line, and Jin holds on as Kame berates him for his stupidity and carelessness. “You know how they feel about that? Anything other than photos or video can be explained away.”
“It wasn’t exactly my idea,” Jin says sarcastically, and then regrets it, because Kame is on a tirade and that never ends well.
“Whose idea was it then? I mean photos? How did they even take them without your noticing? You must have had some idea they were following you surely?” Kame huffs, and Jin can picture the way his eyes are narrowing and his jaw clenching. “Why didn’t they just buy them? They buy everyone else’s…”
“That wasn’t an option apparently.” Jin says evenly, and Kame misses the quiet warning to stop.
“How could it not be an option? That is always the first reaction when they bring photos. Oh my god. Where did they come from? Were they not paparazzi photos?”
“Huh?”
“Was it someone inside a club? Someone you trusted?”
“Kame.”
“They should have paid for them.”
“Kame.”
“I’ll go and see Johnny and tell him that…”
“Kazuya. Stop.” Jin hears the breath Kame drags in, and waits to make sure that Kame is actually listening. “You need to let this go.”
“Why?”
“It’s done. It’s decided. Talking to Johnny won’t help.”
“Who else is involved?”
“There isn’t..”
“There has to be. There must be someone else involved. Otherwise, you would have fought it. Who is it? Nishikido? Pi? Shirota?”
“Kame. Stop.”
“They shouldn’t have let you be the only one to take the fall, why didn’t you..”
“Enough, Kame. It was my decision. It was the best option.”
“For who? You got to run away to LA, and left the rest of us to try and deal with…”
Jin finally snaps. “I did not have a choice. It would have ruined us! I had to go.” He bites his tongue, knowing Kame will catch his slip.
“Us?”
“Let it go, Kazu. I made the agreement with Johnny, he took care of it, and we talk again after six months.”
“Us?” Kame asks again.
“Don’t push. You aren’t involved, that was part of the deal.”
“How would I be involved?”
Jin winces, and swears under his breath.
“Jin.” The icy smooth Kamenashi voice is back, and Jin knows there is no escape. “Who else was in the photos?”
He tries anyway. “Please, Kazu.”
“You always suck at lying. Am I in the photos?”
“I agreed with Johnny that you had no part in this.”
“Am I in the photos?”
“Yes.”
“Are you in the photos?”
“Yes.”
“Then what is the problem?”
“It’s the story they can make out of the photos. It doesn’t mean it’s true, but it would look bad. Some of them would look really bad.”
“Details, Jin. Details. When and what and where?”
“It was in the last week of your Suppli shoot, you went out to a wrap party for one of the other actors and it was late. Someone slipped you a real drink, and it messed you up.”
“I wouldn’t have drunk anything, not like that. Not with Uchi and Kusano and they had warned us to be…” Kame can’t quite process it. “I was so careful.”
“It wasn’t the alcohol. I think it was whatever they were giving you to help you sleep and keep you going. The stuff that they started giving you during Nobuta.”
“I wasn’t… I stopped taking that stuff.” Kame starts and then stops. “Oh fuck. The vitamin and protein powders?”
“I think so. It wasn’t as bad as before but we all noticed. The longer shooting went on, and the more exhausted you got, around week seven, you changed. You had loads of energy, could barely sit still through meetings, didn’t sleep for days. It wasn’t as bad, not like before.”
“I don’t remember. Drama shooting, and meetings and recordings and all the normal stuff I remember that, but I don’t remember the nights after.”
“On that night, one of the production staff noticed you were off. She realized it would be bad if the press saw you like that, and she called in a favour to get a phone number, and Hasegawa called me to pick you up. When I got there, you looked like you were stumbling drunk, but it was different. You couldn’t focus, you kept rambling and trying to take off your shoes. I got you outside, used the back door that opened onto the alley so no one would see us.” The ocean waves seem loud in his ears and Jin feels that odd suspension again, caught between push and pull. There was no take back for this.
“Once we got outside, you kissed me in the alley.”
“I what?”
Earlier that night, Jin would have given most of the money in his bank account to avoid ever having this conversation and now he would give almost anything to not be having it over the phone.
The vulnerability in Kame’s voice cuts him deep.
“I had my arm around your shoulders, and you were leaning on me, and you kissed me. On the mouth.” Kame had asked for details, and Jin knew he would rather die than ask for that one, but he needed to know everything now. No more secrets. “You kissed me on the mouth. A proper, deep, kiss.”
“Fuck,” Kame whispers.
“Kazu.” Jin realises that he needs Kame to hear this bit. “I let you.”
Kame doesn’t reply, but his ragged breathing tells Jin he is still there.
“I let you.” He repeats it, so there is no confusion. “You kissed me, and I let you.”
“I don’t remember.”
“I know. Believe me, I know.” A half smile, and Jin can hear it in his own voice. “I realized you didn’t remember.” Kame needed to hear the rest of it. “There was a photographer somewhere nearby, I think maybe in a car. He got photos of that kiss, and the rest of it.”
“What else could there be?”
He made a split second decision that maybe Kame didn’t need to hear absolutely everything. Just the parts that were locked in Johnny’s filing cabinet. “You tried to take things a little bit further,” Jin started delicately, not mentioning his wandering hands, choosing to focus instead on the major points to try and spare Kame some of it. “I realized that you weren’t acting like yourself, where we were, and I ended the kiss. You tried to kiss me again, and I held you back against the wall. Just using my hands on your shoulders, trying to convince you to listen to me, but you weren’t interested in talking.” Jin’s tongue darted over his dry bottom lip, an unconscious sensory memory. “I had to basically pin you to the wall using my body weight to keep you under control. You took some convincing.”
Kame’s quietly ragged breathing is the only sign he is still there, but Jin knows he is.
“The photographer was behind us, so in the photos it looked like I was holding you against the wall and taking advantage of you. A very drunk you. A possibly underage drunk you. That was the story they were going to print.”
“I wasn’t underage by then!"
“I know, but you had your hair tied back, and mine was under a cap. People would have considered it possible, and you were clearly drunk. In proving that you weren’t underage, we would have had to explain everything else in the photos.”
“Fuck.”
That single word was enough for Jin’s stomach to turn over, and his hands clench into fists. The only thing, the only positive thing he had managed to find about the entire situation had been that Kame didn’t know, and he wouldn’t ever know.
Now that was gone, and he felt at sea.
“Fuck. I’m sorry. Jin. I’m sorry.”
“Kazuya. It’s not your fault.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“This is fucked?” Jin suggests in a serious tone, and smiles as Kame chokes and then laughs in disbelief.
“Yes it is.”
“Now that you know, you can’t tell anyone. Johnny insisted that you were never to be told about this. If I told you that meant I was out of the company for good.”
“Why?”
“He said it was because you had worked too hard, and you didn’t deserve it.”
“And you did? That old motherfu-“
“He wasn’t entirely wrong. You didn’t deserve it, and you do work hard. I don’t think it was the main reason though. I think it was about protecting the company.”
“It’s always about the company.”
“Of course it is.”
“He should have bought the photos.” Kame was not willing to let it go, and really Jin wasn’t surprised. “He must have spent millions over the years keeping photos out of the press. Why not protect us?”
“Honestly? I think he made the choice to protect the company. He had too many photos, and the photographer must have had other shots, the ones that Johnny didn’t show me. He had photos of us leaving through the back door, he had no reason not to take photos of you kissing me, but Johnny didn’t show me those. Just the shots of us in the doorway, the ones where we were clearly shown, and then the ones of me holding you against the wall. Either he had those photos or the photographer was keeping them, but it’s not the first time he’s been approached like this. Johnny would have demanded everything before handing over a cent. He bought them, I’m sure, because they ran a story with pictures from one of my Lex nights instead. He was protecting us, in a way, but I really think he was worried that in a scandal like that would have been, other information about the company would come out.”
“Like what?”
“Kame, you really can’t think all those protein powders and vitamin pills and supplements they gave you were legitimate. They work too well.”
“I know you don’t like them, but - “
“I don’t like them because I can see how they messed you up. They used them to push you over the need to rest or eat and keep you going. When a normal person would have needed sleep or food, you opened up a packet and were good to keep going.”
“Those came straight from Doctor Saito. He made sure those were balanced with my workload and my sleeping patterns and he tailored them for me. Like an athlete. My schedule was so heavy I needed assistance. That was why they put me on the health management schedule.”
“You told me that back then too.”
“It’s true!”
“When you backflipped wrong, and fell off the stage, who looked after you?”
“Doctor Saito.”
“Yeah. Now ask yourself how someone who was in charge of overseeing the massage tables and first aid was able to give you two injections of painkillers strong enough to keep you walking and moving, and send you right back out onto the stage?”
“He’s a proper doctor.”
“He might be a proper doctor, but Kame, he is shady as hell. He is also the company doctor.” The sun is starting to come up, the darkness lengthening into shadows around him. “I know you trusted him. I know that. He did look after you when you needed someone to push back against management, but he was giving you stuff that knocked you out in five minutes, and then four hours later he woke you up with a protein shake and you were good to film for the next 24 hours.”
“That doesn’t mean … I needed it. I needed it to get through what i needed to do.”
“Yeah.” Jin pushed his fingers into his hair, pulling it back from his forehead. “You needed it to get through, and the company made sure you had it. In Nobuta you were drinking shakes and falling asleep if you sat still for 3 minutes. Do not tell me you were fine. You were sleep walking during rehearsals. We had to lock the rehearsal room or we would lose you.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“It was starting to happen again. Those last few weeks of Sapuri, and even for 24 Hour TV. They were helping you, right? Keeping you on a health schedule? I could tell. That night, when i picked you up, you weren’t drunk. You were stumbling, and you had no inhibitions, and you passed out in the car. You were so deep under but when I pulled you out of the car, you knew who I was and asked me where you were. I told you we were at my apartment, and you headed towards the elevator. It was bizarre. You said you were tired, sat down on my couch, and slept for nine hours. I tried to lay you down, and you fought me off. You pushed a blanket off. And… your eyes were half open. It was like you were half awake, and deeply asleep at the same time.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t remember any of this.”
“Do you maybe remember the next morning? What you thought had happened?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, you woke up, and you thought we had spend the night playing mario-kart. You remembered filming the day before, and then it was like you inserted an old memory from 2004. You had no memory of going to the party, or me picking you up.”
“Orange juice and pancakes. You gave me orange juice and pancakes.”
“I did.”
“I think I remember that then.”
“That’s when I made you promise to change that health schedule. You needed to get out of it. And you did, you started at least…”
“What a fucking mess.” Flat defeat colored Kame’s voice. “You could be right. You probably are.”
“I won’t get used to it.” The sky was light now, the cool and clear early morning light that was the same in Tokyo and California, and finally he could see the glint of water. “Johnny can’t know that you know. He insisted that you were not to be told, and I am not sure what he would do if he thinks I told you.”
“What can he do? He can’t release the photos. I’m sure I still have some of the stuff they have given me over the years at home.”
“Don’t even think about using that! If it is what I think it is, the police could come after you for using stimulant drugs. That won’t go away.”
“We have to do something!”
“Leave it. You’re out of it, the photos are locked away, and I’m here and everyone believes that I am happy here. It will work out.”
“Are you happy there?”
“Yeah. Happy enough.”
“The only thing he could really do is stop you coming back.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to come back to KAT-TUN?”
The wave sweeps in over the shore, and then back out to sea, and Jin knows. He finally knows. Sometimes you have to make the bold decision and jump, and hope the water isn’t too cold.
“Yeah. I do. I want to come back.”
“Good.”
Jin waits for Kame to say something… anything… else. “Don’t sound so happy about it,” he finally jokes awkwardly. “Or I’ll think you don’t miss me."
“I mean it. KAT-TUN isn’t the same without you. We do miss you.”
“Kamenashi…” Jin trails off, unsure what to say.
“Akanishi..,” Kame replies. “K and A. It doesn’t work the same way without you.”
“Even so, Johnny said that if I want to return then he will have conditions. He said at least six months and no guarantee that things are the same.”
“If he has conditions, well so will I!” The ferocity of his response startles them both. “I’ll tell Johnnys it’s KAT-TUN’s decision. Not his, not yours. Ours. That way we are in control of you coming back.”
“I don’t know that threats will work against him. He does have something to hold over us …”
“Yes he does, but to use it he needs to show me the photos, right? He can’t threaten me with them unless he tells me. If you are right, and he obviously doesn’t want me to know about them, we can use that against him. I think - I think the best way is for you to tell him you want to come back, then when he tells us, I say that we need to meet as a group and decide.”
“Wouldn’t it just be easier to let him run things? Not rock the boat?”
“Not if we want to have any choices in the future. And … Jin you have some apologizing to do to the others.”
“I know - there just wasn’t any other way.”
“They don’t know that. If we can’t tell them why you really went, you need to make peace with them first. At least. Koki is really really angry with you. I’m not sure exactly how Ueda feels. Nakamaru and Junno understand a bit more, but we haven’t exactly had an easy time over the last few months either.”
“If Koki is really that angry, is it a good idea to give him a way to say no to me coming back?”
“I’ll handle Koki. If I need to I can agree with what he says at the start, and in the end, convince him that we need you.”
“I do think it would be easier to let Johnny…”
“No. It wouldn’t. I know what they need a bit better than either you or Johnny do right now. I promise I won’t let any of them hit you in the face.”
“That bad?”
“Yeah. You may have to let Koki hit you somewhere that won’t leave a visible bruise.”
“Hmmm, I suppose that’s fair. From his point of view."
“Yeah. All he saw was you walk away from the group.”
“So did you.”
“I knew there was more going on though. At first I thought it was my fault, that you had taken something I said too literally about changing the group dynamic. Then that message you sent us when we released Bokura no machi de made me think it was something else. I had no real idea though … it’s a mess. Does it have to be six months?”
“I think so. Johnny was pretty adamant.”
“So you miss the album, and the start of the concert tour, and anything else we have coming up.”
“If he insists I am away for the entire six months, yep. I’ll call Johnny later today, and tell him I want to come back. Hopefully he will be happy to hear that.” Jin checks his watch, the early morning sunlight making it easy for him to see the time. “This is going to cost you a fortune on your next phone bill.”
“I’m an idol, I can cope with whatever this call costs.”
“Even so. I should go.” Jin taps his fingers on his thigh, and says, “I’m glad you called. It was good to talk to you. I’ll let you know what Johnny has to say.”
“I’ll be ready when he tells us. We may actually have a photo shoot set for New York next month. Could you get there if Johnny agrees to set up a meeting?”
“Yeah, I can do that. Much safer than me trying to get back into Japan.”
“OK, I’ll wait to hear from you.”
“Yeah.”
Jin waits for Kame to say something, anything. “ … Kazu?”
“Yeah?”
“I miss you guys too. Let’s make this work.”
Part 2
Written For: bilbo
Pairing: Kamenashi Kazuya and Akanishi Jin akakame4ever
Rating: R for swearing, nudity and some sexual activity.
Word Count: 11, 100 words
Warnings: None
Author's Notes: Bilbo, I hope this covers some of your wants! This turned out very differently to what I was expecting and how I normally write; it’s a bit more deep third person point of view than I usually write. Your prompt “I need to be bold, jump in the cold water” led me to the song, and that helped shape your request for angst. Apparently, that song, that prompt and your request for angst lived in a very specific time period for me - 2006-7! (And don’t worry about the title - I swear there are no fishman!akame here).
Summary: Water changes shape to reflect it’s surroundings. In 2006, Jin goes to LA and Kame is determined to know why.
You can also read this story at the AO3.
Ripples - October 2006
He’s not sulking. Definitely not.
Or angrily focusing on what had been said. Not that either.
Or brooding. He was not a chicken. No brooding.
Or angsting. Or..... being aggressively sad.
Or panicking.
Or regretting.
In fact he’s almost perfectly unemotional. Like a robot. Maybe Jin was right, maybe he really wasn’t ready to deal with emotions or feelings. Robots only have programming, they don’t need emotions. If he doesn’t have emotions he wouldn’t need to worry about slipping. Slipping would be the worst possible thing.
Yes, that’s something he could get behind.
A robot.
A perfect robot.
A robot just sitting here, near the ocean, on a sea wall, in the middle of the night, listening to the ocean because its the one place he has been able to find tonight where his heart didn’t feel like it was going to beat right out of his chest.
The sounds of the waves were also not really helping him drown out the sound of Jin’s voice in his ears.
The darkness was not helping him forget the look on Jin’s face either. Or the…
A robot wouldn’t need that help though would it.
Kame draws in a shaky breath, and lights a cigarette. Robots wouldn’t need to breathe either. He could really become the perfect idol if he could run and dance and sing and never need to breathe.
That would be really useful. So would not sleeping, or eating. Scheduling would be so easy. They could just plug him into recharge in the car on his way to places….. Smoke curls around his fingers as he inhales.
A perfect robot that never ran out of time, or breath, or sleep.
There was never enough time.
He exhales, steadily emptying his lungs. He was tired, so tired of not having time. Never enough time to really relax or take a break, only enough to really catch up on sleep, reset the stupid sleep pattern he was in or snatch a few hours for something that wasn’t scheduled. Thankfully their manager Hasegawa was reasonable. She could be convinced to block out a few hours here and there, but it wasn’t always her choice, and even she had limits to her influence.
A second inhale is easier, he drags the smoke from the cigarette inside and concentrates on just that sensation. Robots don’t age either. Maybe that would be the perfect future solution for the idol industry. Never needing to worry about aging or sickness or time or being perfectly prepared or whether your hair was perfect or care or …
Or importantly feel.
His throat is starting to burn, so he lets the smoke escape from his lungs. Any stinging in his eyes was due to the smoke.
After the whole Shuji to Akira debacle he had really thought it was behind him. He didn’t think he would need to ever be like that again. Over orange juice and pancakes, he’d promised hi..people. He had promised that it would never be that bad again. The not eating or sleeping, the days on end of working around the clock because that was what was being asked. The memory loss and losing track of where he was and the sleep walking, losing control and the supplements to help him sleep, the others to wake him up, the health schedule with vitamins and protein shakes to make sure he could keep going…
Nope. Thinking about that morning was not going to help.
Robots had no regrets.
Regrets made you feel. He wasn't allowed to feel. Surely Jin knew that right? They were distracting and unprofessional. Feeling led to bad things happening for him and the group and Jin should remember what he had done to him last time he had...
He concentrated on syncing his breathing to the sound of the waves. In and out. In and out. Ro. Bot. Ro. Bot.
It helped.
When he finally trudged back to his car, and slid into the drivers seat, he almost felt ready to face Jin again. To tell him what he had decided, and how he was going to manage things from now on.
Jin always understood him in the end, after he had listened and Kame had explained everything. That was still the same. So he just needed to explain the benefits, why he couldn’t let himself openly feel anything real and...
Jin wouldn’t understand that bit. He could never do it for himself, but maybe …. just… maybe he could at least see that it was Kame’s safest option? The best option for everyone? It was only a little change - idols were designed to have images, and this one was just a little more developed. Safe. It would really benefit everyone in KAT-TUN, they needed to have roles and differences in the group and this way he could be the perfect idol type. It wasn’t even that big of a stretch, he had never been treated as the baby of the group and this way he could be more of a cool type. Jin could be more his pace and… this could work.
Right?
His phone had been left on the passenger seat, and the screen was glowing. Kame glanced at it uncertainly; it was way too late for a random phone call. No one knew he was out here, but so few people had this number and maybe it was ..... he checked the name. Nakamaru. Nakamaru? Icy fingers ran down his spine. Nakamaru didn’t make random phone calls at five in the morning. Shaky fingers pressed against the button, accepting the call.
“Where are you?” Nakamaru demands. “I’ve been calling for two hours.”
“Sorry,” Kame croaks.
Nakamaru pauses. “Are you ok?”
“I’m fine,” Kame bluffs, his voice creaky from disuse. He clears his throat. “Sorry I left my phone in the car. What’s wrong?”
Nakamaru ignores the question. “Where are you?” He demands again.
“I went for a drive. I wanted to see the ocean,” Kame says and Nakamaru swears. “I just needed a break after all the filming promotional bookings for Tatta this week, and I have a late call today.” He knows he sounds defensive, but the words slip out before he can stop them. It may not have been the smartest or most responsible decision to stay out all night, but he was allowed o…..
“Where exactly?” Nakamaru interrupts.
“Numazu.”
“You drove all the way to Shizuoka?” Nakamaru swears again, and Kame feels the tendrils of worry spiraling in his stomach get stronger. “How long until you are back?”
Kame checks his watch. “Two hours?”
“That’s too late. You won’t make it.”
“For what?”
“Jin’s press conference.”
“Why is he having a press conference?”
Nakamaru is silent and the surge of panic that hits Kame’s stomach makes him think of a rollercoaster. “What press conference?”
The way Nakamaru drags in a breath unsettles Kame even further. “It’s scheduled for this morning. Jin’s going on hiatus. He flies to the US today.”
“What?” Kame whispered.
“He said you knew.”
“No.”
“He said you agreed to it.”
“I didn’t agr...” he broke off. “No. Nakamaru. I said we needed to change the group dynamic, not… I didn’t mean.... Tell him no. Tell him not to.”
“Kazuya.” Sharp, like a knife cutting across his nerves. “Kazuya, it’s too late to stop this. It came from Johnny.
“I didn’t mean... Nakamaru I swear I didn’t mean for him to...”
“Get back to Tokyo. Get back here now. Do not go to your apartment, come straight to the agency and we can try and … Get yourself here.”
“I will be there as soon as I can."
“Kame, drive safely. An accident or a police stop today is not going to go down well.”
“I will.”
He didn’t make it.
They stopped him in the agency carpark.
**
Tides - January 2007
He couldn’t see the beach from here, but he could hear it. The waves rolling over the beach, crashing on the sand, over and over in the darkness. High tide. It wasn’t cold. It was winter, but California wasn’t cold. He pulled his collar up around his neck. Even here on the coast, it was cool down by the water.
Easy to forget that it was winter in Tokyo.
Easy to forget that January usually meant biting icy wind, grey skies and heavy coats.
He didn’t forget though.
It was just so different here.
Not only the weather of course. The people, the places, the food, even the trains - that hardly anyone used. The cars were huge. He’d eaten so many hamburgers. Worn whatever he wanted. Pulled his hair back under a cap and not shaved for days.
Bought beer.
Smoked in public.
Waited in line to get into a club.
Been anonymous.
People asked him how his day was as they rang up groceries, and then his grocery list and answer didn’t end up in magazines or on morning tv.
He felt so free.
He had so much control over his own time. He had classes scheduled, but then he could decide what to do after hours. When to eat, when to party, when to watch TV or play video games. His choice.
Had to worry about how to pay for things, and whether his bills were paid and how to do things. Language school was helping, but there was still so much to learn and sometimes the words he did know tangled up on his tongue and he was left stuttering instead of talking.
He felt so frustrated sometimes, but he was making progress. There were times when it came easily, when the words just rolled off his tongue. Or the times that it suddenly made sense, when the phrases rearranged themselves and the teacher smiled and praised him, and he felt the flush of success. The impulse to turn and share it with someone… those were the times he felt the sting of loneliness.
That was what made him scared at how easy it would be to forget his life in Tokyo.
It wasn’t like he was cut off from Tokyo. The internet connected him to family and friends sent emails and photos and occasionally links to youtube videos. The time difference made it inconvenient but not impossible to make phone calls, but schedules and commitments made phone calls rare.
He isn’t unhappy.
He isn’t entirely sure he is happy.
Just different.
Christmas and the turn of the year had been so different. Families gathering for Christmas dinners, presents and happy holidays said to everyone you saw. Celebrating the countdown to midnight on a club dance floor with 100 people instead of a Dome with 50,000. Being kissed by anyone within arms reach for the first ten minutes of 2007, and not being worried about pictures in the newspapers.
Watching low quality videos of kohaku and countdown news reports on his laptop as he got ready to go out. Watching them again as he got home at dawn, trying to get his head around it was already two days into the year in Japan and only starting here in LA.
It would be easy to forget all that when no one here really knew what he had been doing the previous year. The freedom to be himself, he wanted and needed it, and he had it. Was it enough though?
Jin leans back, resting his head on the back of the bench. He stares up, into the darkness, but he can’t see the stars or the sky from his position here under the verandah roof. One of his classmates had pulled together a beach house weekend party, and a van full of them had driven down the coast together. They weren’t allowed to smoke inside, house rules, so here he was sitting outside in the dark listening to the ocean. He spun his lighter between his fingers, over and over - the movement was as steady and mindless as the unseen waves. They kept going, those he couldn’t control.
The lighter he can.
He flicks open the top, and stares at the flame. Slowly, he pulls out a cigarette, and lights it, lets the smoke curl around his fingers and linger in the air around him.
The school had organized a camping trip. Maybe that was it. The tipping point where he wasn’t sure anymore. A 2 day camping trip, and he hadn’t had other plans, and the teacher made it sound amazing, and there was always camping trips in movies, and he had gone along. It wasn’t the first time he had slept in a tent, although it sure as hell had been colder this time. They had built a camp fire, toasted marshmallows, and someone had brought a guitar, and there was laughing and singing songs. Some that he recognised, some that people taught each other and… the guitar had ended up in his hands, and someone asked him to sing something.
He still remembered the way his brain froze and his tongue tangled up and he had tried to pass the guitar to someone else, because there was no way he could sing english and play guitar in front of these people, and then one of his classmates had laughed and said just sing something in japanese.
His fingers had found the chords easily enough, as he picked out the intro to Care. He could have blamed his croaky voice on disuse, but it wasn’t that. For one scary moment he had worried that nothing would come out the way he intended, but after the first line, his voice was there, strong and sure and him. He hadn’t sung for weeks, and sitting there in the dark with his classmates and teachers and no pressure or expectations, and it had been blissful.
He had missed it, he hadn’t realized how much he had missed it.
The happy surprise and the thanks from his classmates after he finished were nice, the applause made him oddly shy for a second and then Tomas had pointed at the new girl, Min Jee, and jokingly scolded her for crying. Ducking her head, she had protested she wasn’t but the mood had broken, and Jin hastily handed the guitar over to the next person.
The singing continued, and Jin had clapped along, hummed along when asked until finally someone had announced it was time for the last song. Min Jee was holding the guitar, and she asked everyone to join in if they knew it, and somehow Jin knew what it was she was going to play. Moon River. She sang it quietly, her voice trembling and the uncertainty in the way she formed her words tugged at him. Without really thinking about it, he had joined her on the melody, easing over the words she wavered on, smoothing the edges and by the time they reached the final chorus he automatically shifted into a harmony.
The last notes lingered, faded slowly into the happy hush of their group, as everyone quietly headed into their tents.
Jin had laid awake for hours, listening to his heart beating, feeling his blood pulsing in the silence around him, while still hearing music. Yes, that had definitely been the start of it.
Music made him happy.
Performing made him happy.
Singing made him happy.
For one brief blind moment as the final notes of the harmony had soared into the sky, he had turned to Kame to share that moment of happiness and the stark realisation that he was there alone had felt crushing.
It had been so automatic, that last check in with the person singing with him. Until it was over he hadn’t realized what he was really doing, and then - then he knew.
He needed to sing.
Did he need it more than what he had found here though?
The question had torn at him for days now. Made him restless and snappy, tired in grammar class and distracted in conversation class.
The relentless waves of the ocean pull at him. He could stay, he could stay and try to make a life in music here in the US. LA was right there, how many people had dreams and tried to follow them in LA?
It wouldn’t be safe or easy. Would it be smart? When he had an agency and a contract and the ability to sing in front of thousands of fans? When he still stumbled over conversations, could he write songs? Would anyone be interested in him singing them?
It wasn’t smart.
And … part of him still wanted to try. Part of him wanted to stay here and try and make it. People liked him singing. People liked his voice. He could dance. He looked good on stage. He could learn what he needed to do to make it worldwide.
Alone.
He wasn’t sure that he wanted to do it alone.
He didn’t want to do it alone.
His contract was also water tight, and Johnny had a far reach. He couldn’t imagine many doors being opened to him once they heard Johnny was upset with him.
It would be easier to go back.
Even then, Johnny had not guaranteed he could go back to the way things were. At least six months. KAT-TUN had rolled on without him, hadn’t slowed down at all. Would they have a place for him now?
Would they even want him back?
The reasons to come to LA were still there. The need for change, the drive to see what he could do, the need to spread his wings and be free was still there. So was the loneliness and the need to perform. Cold he ever even be free with all the baggage?
He couldn’t tell. Back and forth, like the tidal waves, pulling him in each direction. Stay or go, stay or go.
Until he couldn’t even tell himself if he meant stay in KAT-TUN or go back to KAT-TUN.
If he went back, it would be different. Johnny had made that clear, and now he had tasted freedom. Would he be able to slot himself back into that micromanaged life? Lack of privacy, lack of control, lack of freedom. Would applause and performing and money make up for the lack of those?
He wavers, stuck on that moment before he has to make the decision. Stay or go. Stay or go.
His phone buzzes, and Jin almost jumps out of his skin. Four AM is not a normal time for phone calls, well not anymore. Four AM phone calls in Tokyo had been a little more predictable on clubbing nights, but most of the people he knew in the US were asleep in the house behind him.
Fumbling in his pocket, he grabs his phone, and the long line of digits on the screen make his stomach drop. Japan calling at this hour - no wait it was like 8 pm over there. Probably not a disaster then.
“Hello?” he answers, and then wants to kick himself.
“Jin?”
“Yeah,” he replies, switching back into japanese. “It’s me.”
“It’s - oh sorry it’s what 4 AM there? I forgot about the time difference. I can call back later -”
“It’s fine,” Jin interrupts, “I was still awake, Kame.”
“Right.” Kame pauses, and the silence stretches between them.
“How are you?” Jin asks finally, when Kame shows no sign of actually talking.
“Good.” Jin raises an eyebrow, and wonders if Kame can somehow feel that all the way across the Pacific, because after a few more seconds, Kame continues. “Busy. The drama finished filming, and we did the end of year shows, and we are recording stuff for the new album soon and starting to look at concert preparation and … they want me to sing Bokura no machi de as a solo on Shounen Club Premium.”
“Is that a problem?”
“It feels weird enough as a five person song, I don’t want to sing it as a solo.”
Jin isn’t sure what to say to that. In fact, he isn’t really sure that this phone call is about or why it is happening. “Can’t you sing your last solo?” he offers.
Kame snorts. “Apparently not. It’s too old and they don’t want me to sing my new one either.”
The pause spirals out into a solid silence, and Jin feels his heart beating in rhythm with the ocean again, except this time it seems like Kame’s breathing has joined too.
Jin opens his mouth to speak, but Kame beats him to it. “I don’t understand why you went.”
“It’s complicated, Kazu.”
“Not good enough.”
“I needed the change,” Jin finally offers. “The chance to learn English properly, and the chance to be me. I needed it.”
“I know that. I know why you want to be there, and what you want from it,” Kame answers, impatience coloring his voice. “Why did Johnny let you go?”
For a moment Jin feels everything around him stop. No one was meant to ask that. Obviously, he chose. Obviously, he decided. He’s always wanted to try living in America, obviously it was his choice.
“I understand why you wanted to go,” Kame continues, apparently not wanting to let this go. “I don’t understand why Johnny let you go.”
“Kazu,” Jin starts, but Kame cuts him off.
“I’ve had months to think about it Jin. If I went to Johnny and said I wanted a break, I would get a three day weekend if I was lucky. If I went to Johnny and said i was desperate to move to Paris to study French, he would pat me on the head, order me a croissant and arrange a french tutor. Why did he let you go?”
“I’m not as important as you?”
“Don’t even.”
“Kazu.”
“I’ll tell you what I think. I think there has to be something else.” Kame pauses, and Jin stops breathing. “I think Johnny has something he used to threaten you, and you agreed.”
“Don’t be sill-“
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
“Kazu.”
“It’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“Kazu, I really needed the change.”
“So you have said.” Kame pauses, and then moves in for the kill. “Why would the company care what you needed?”
Jin can’t think of anything to say that would sound believable, so he clutches the phone and waits for Kame to speak again.
“Your going away had to benefit them somehow. What was it?”
“There was a situation,” Jin says finally. “They had photos, and they said the best way to deal with it was for me to go on hiatus, and wait for it be dealt with. Johnny said we would discuss things later.”
“For fuck’s sake Jin, how could you be stupid enough for there to be photos?” Kame’s anger crackles down the phone line, and Jin holds on as Kame berates him for his stupidity and carelessness. “You know how they feel about that? Anything other than photos or video can be explained away.”
“It wasn’t exactly my idea,” Jin says sarcastically, and then regrets it, because Kame is on a tirade and that never ends well.
“Whose idea was it then? I mean photos? How did they even take them without your noticing? You must have had some idea they were following you surely?” Kame huffs, and Jin can picture the way his eyes are narrowing and his jaw clenching. “Why didn’t they just buy them? They buy everyone else’s…”
“That wasn’t an option apparently.” Jin says evenly, and Kame misses the quiet warning to stop.
“How could it not be an option? That is always the first reaction when they bring photos. Oh my god. Where did they come from? Were they not paparazzi photos?”
“Huh?”
“Was it someone inside a club? Someone you trusted?”
“Kame.”
“They should have paid for them.”
“Kame.”
“I’ll go and see Johnny and tell him that…”
“Kazuya. Stop.” Jin hears the breath Kame drags in, and waits to make sure that Kame is actually listening. “You need to let this go.”
“Why?”
“It’s done. It’s decided. Talking to Johnny won’t help.”
“Who else is involved?”
“There isn’t..”
“There has to be. There must be someone else involved. Otherwise, you would have fought it. Who is it? Nishikido? Pi? Shirota?”
“Kame. Stop.”
“They shouldn’t have let you be the only one to take the fall, why didn’t you..”
“Enough, Kame. It was my decision. It was the best option.”
“For who? You got to run away to LA, and left the rest of us to try and deal with…”
Jin finally snaps. “I did not have a choice. It would have ruined us! I had to go.” He bites his tongue, knowing Kame will catch his slip.
“Us?”
“Let it go, Kazu. I made the agreement with Johnny, he took care of it, and we talk again after six months.”
“Us?” Kame asks again.
“Don’t push. You aren’t involved, that was part of the deal.”
“How would I be involved?”
Jin winces, and swears under his breath.
“Jin.” The icy smooth Kamenashi voice is back, and Jin knows there is no escape. “Who else was in the photos?”
He tries anyway. “Please, Kazu.”
“You always suck at lying. Am I in the photos?”
“I agreed with Johnny that you had no part in this.”
“Am I in the photos?”
“Yes.”
“Are you in the photos?”
“Yes.”
“Then what is the problem?”
“It’s the story they can make out of the photos. It doesn’t mean it’s true, but it would look bad. Some of them would look really bad.”
“Details, Jin. Details. When and what and where?”
“It was in the last week of your Suppli shoot, you went out to a wrap party for one of the other actors and it was late. Someone slipped you a real drink, and it messed you up.”
“I wouldn’t have drunk anything, not like that. Not with Uchi and Kusano and they had warned us to be…” Kame can’t quite process it. “I was so careful.”
“It wasn’t the alcohol. I think it was whatever they were giving you to help you sleep and keep you going. The stuff that they started giving you during Nobuta.”
“I wasn’t… I stopped taking that stuff.” Kame starts and then stops. “Oh fuck. The vitamin and protein powders?”
“I think so. It wasn’t as bad as before but we all noticed. The longer shooting went on, and the more exhausted you got, around week seven, you changed. You had loads of energy, could barely sit still through meetings, didn’t sleep for days. It wasn’t as bad, not like before.”
“I don’t remember. Drama shooting, and meetings and recordings and all the normal stuff I remember that, but I don’t remember the nights after.”
“On that night, one of the production staff noticed you were off. She realized it would be bad if the press saw you like that, and she called in a favour to get a phone number, and Hasegawa called me to pick you up. When I got there, you looked like you were stumbling drunk, but it was different. You couldn’t focus, you kept rambling and trying to take off your shoes. I got you outside, used the back door that opened onto the alley so no one would see us.” The ocean waves seem loud in his ears and Jin feels that odd suspension again, caught between push and pull. There was no take back for this.
“Once we got outside, you kissed me in the alley.”
“I what?”
Earlier that night, Jin would have given most of the money in his bank account to avoid ever having this conversation and now he would give almost anything to not be having it over the phone.
The vulnerability in Kame’s voice cuts him deep.
“I had my arm around your shoulders, and you were leaning on me, and you kissed me. On the mouth.” Kame had asked for details, and Jin knew he would rather die than ask for that one, but he needed to know everything now. No more secrets. “You kissed me on the mouth. A proper, deep, kiss.”
“Fuck,” Kame whispers.
“Kazu.” Jin realises that he needs Kame to hear this bit. “I let you.”
Kame doesn’t reply, but his ragged breathing tells Jin he is still there.
“I let you.” He repeats it, so there is no confusion. “You kissed me, and I let you.”
“I don’t remember.”
“I know. Believe me, I know.” A half smile, and Jin can hear it in his own voice. “I realized you didn’t remember.” Kame needed to hear the rest of it. “There was a photographer somewhere nearby, I think maybe in a car. He got photos of that kiss, and the rest of it.”
“What else could there be?”
He made a split second decision that maybe Kame didn’t need to hear absolutely everything. Just the parts that were locked in Johnny’s filing cabinet. “You tried to take things a little bit further,” Jin started delicately, not mentioning his wandering hands, choosing to focus instead on the major points to try and spare Kame some of it. “I realized that you weren’t acting like yourself, where we were, and I ended the kiss. You tried to kiss me again, and I held you back against the wall. Just using my hands on your shoulders, trying to convince you to listen to me, but you weren’t interested in talking.” Jin’s tongue darted over his dry bottom lip, an unconscious sensory memory. “I had to basically pin you to the wall using my body weight to keep you under control. You took some convincing.”
Kame’s quietly ragged breathing is the only sign he is still there, but Jin knows he is.
“The photographer was behind us, so in the photos it looked like I was holding you against the wall and taking advantage of you. A very drunk you. A possibly underage drunk you. That was the story they were going to print.”
“I wasn’t underage by then!"
“I know, but you had your hair tied back, and mine was under a cap. People would have considered it possible, and you were clearly drunk. In proving that you weren’t underage, we would have had to explain everything else in the photos.”
“Fuck.”
That single word was enough for Jin’s stomach to turn over, and his hands clench into fists. The only thing, the only positive thing he had managed to find about the entire situation had been that Kame didn’t know, and he wouldn’t ever know.
Now that was gone, and he felt at sea.
“Fuck. I’m sorry. Jin. I’m sorry.”
“Kazuya. It’s not your fault.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“This is fucked?” Jin suggests in a serious tone, and smiles as Kame chokes and then laughs in disbelief.
“Yes it is.”
“Now that you know, you can’t tell anyone. Johnny insisted that you were never to be told about this. If I told you that meant I was out of the company for good.”
“Why?”
“He said it was because you had worked too hard, and you didn’t deserve it.”
“And you did? That old motherfu-“
“He wasn’t entirely wrong. You didn’t deserve it, and you do work hard. I don’t think it was the main reason though. I think it was about protecting the company.”
“It’s always about the company.”
“Of course it is.”
“He should have bought the photos.” Kame was not willing to let it go, and really Jin wasn’t surprised. “He must have spent millions over the years keeping photos out of the press. Why not protect us?”
“Honestly? I think he made the choice to protect the company. He had too many photos, and the photographer must have had other shots, the ones that Johnny didn’t show me. He had photos of us leaving through the back door, he had no reason not to take photos of you kissing me, but Johnny didn’t show me those. Just the shots of us in the doorway, the ones where we were clearly shown, and then the ones of me holding you against the wall. Either he had those photos or the photographer was keeping them, but it’s not the first time he’s been approached like this. Johnny would have demanded everything before handing over a cent. He bought them, I’m sure, because they ran a story with pictures from one of my Lex nights instead. He was protecting us, in a way, but I really think he was worried that in a scandal like that would have been, other information about the company would come out.”
“Like what?”
“Kame, you really can’t think all those protein powders and vitamin pills and supplements they gave you were legitimate. They work too well.”
“I know you don’t like them, but - “
“I don’t like them because I can see how they messed you up. They used them to push you over the need to rest or eat and keep you going. When a normal person would have needed sleep or food, you opened up a packet and were good to keep going.”
“Those came straight from Doctor Saito. He made sure those were balanced with my workload and my sleeping patterns and he tailored them for me. Like an athlete. My schedule was so heavy I needed assistance. That was why they put me on the health management schedule.”
“You told me that back then too.”
“It’s true!”
“When you backflipped wrong, and fell off the stage, who looked after you?”
“Doctor Saito.”
“Yeah. Now ask yourself how someone who was in charge of overseeing the massage tables and first aid was able to give you two injections of painkillers strong enough to keep you walking and moving, and send you right back out onto the stage?”
“He’s a proper doctor.”
“He might be a proper doctor, but Kame, he is shady as hell. He is also the company doctor.” The sun is starting to come up, the darkness lengthening into shadows around him. “I know you trusted him. I know that. He did look after you when you needed someone to push back against management, but he was giving you stuff that knocked you out in five minutes, and then four hours later he woke you up with a protein shake and you were good to film for the next 24 hours.”
“That doesn’t mean … I needed it. I needed it to get through what i needed to do.”
“Yeah.” Jin pushed his fingers into his hair, pulling it back from his forehead. “You needed it to get through, and the company made sure you had it. In Nobuta you were drinking shakes and falling asleep if you sat still for 3 minutes. Do not tell me you were fine. You were sleep walking during rehearsals. We had to lock the rehearsal room or we would lose you.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“It was starting to happen again. Those last few weeks of Sapuri, and even for 24 Hour TV. They were helping you, right? Keeping you on a health schedule? I could tell. That night, when i picked you up, you weren’t drunk. You were stumbling, and you had no inhibitions, and you passed out in the car. You were so deep under but when I pulled you out of the car, you knew who I was and asked me where you were. I told you we were at my apartment, and you headed towards the elevator. It was bizarre. You said you were tired, sat down on my couch, and slept for nine hours. I tried to lay you down, and you fought me off. You pushed a blanket off. And… your eyes were half open. It was like you were half awake, and deeply asleep at the same time.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t remember any of this.”
“Do you maybe remember the next morning? What you thought had happened?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, you woke up, and you thought we had spend the night playing mario-kart. You remembered filming the day before, and then it was like you inserted an old memory from 2004. You had no memory of going to the party, or me picking you up.”
“Orange juice and pancakes. You gave me orange juice and pancakes.”
“I did.”
“I think I remember that then.”
“That’s when I made you promise to change that health schedule. You needed to get out of it. And you did, you started at least…”
“What a fucking mess.” Flat defeat colored Kame’s voice. “You could be right. You probably are.”
“I won’t get used to it.” The sky was light now, the cool and clear early morning light that was the same in Tokyo and California, and finally he could see the glint of water. “Johnny can’t know that you know. He insisted that you were not to be told, and I am not sure what he would do if he thinks I told you.”
“What can he do? He can’t release the photos. I’m sure I still have some of the stuff they have given me over the years at home.”
“Don’t even think about using that! If it is what I think it is, the police could come after you for using stimulant drugs. That won’t go away.”
“We have to do something!”
“Leave it. You’re out of it, the photos are locked away, and I’m here and everyone believes that I am happy here. It will work out.”
“Are you happy there?”
“Yeah. Happy enough.”
“The only thing he could really do is stop you coming back.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to come back to KAT-TUN?”
The wave sweeps in over the shore, and then back out to sea, and Jin knows. He finally knows. Sometimes you have to make the bold decision and jump, and hope the water isn’t too cold.
“Yeah. I do. I want to come back.”
“Good.”
Jin waits for Kame to say something… anything… else. “Don’t sound so happy about it,” he finally jokes awkwardly. “Or I’ll think you don’t miss me."
“I mean it. KAT-TUN isn’t the same without you. We do miss you.”
“Kamenashi…” Jin trails off, unsure what to say.
“Akanishi..,” Kame replies. “K and A. It doesn’t work the same way without you.”
“Even so, Johnny said that if I want to return then he will have conditions. He said at least six months and no guarantee that things are the same.”
“If he has conditions, well so will I!” The ferocity of his response startles them both. “I’ll tell Johnnys it’s KAT-TUN’s decision. Not his, not yours. Ours. That way we are in control of you coming back.”
“I don’t know that threats will work against him. He does have something to hold over us …”
“Yes he does, but to use it he needs to show me the photos, right? He can’t threaten me with them unless he tells me. If you are right, and he obviously doesn’t want me to know about them, we can use that against him. I think - I think the best way is for you to tell him you want to come back, then when he tells us, I say that we need to meet as a group and decide.”
“Wouldn’t it just be easier to let him run things? Not rock the boat?”
“Not if we want to have any choices in the future. And … Jin you have some apologizing to do to the others.”
“I know - there just wasn’t any other way.”
“They don’t know that. If we can’t tell them why you really went, you need to make peace with them first. At least. Koki is really really angry with you. I’m not sure exactly how Ueda feels. Nakamaru and Junno understand a bit more, but we haven’t exactly had an easy time over the last few months either.”
“If Koki is really that angry, is it a good idea to give him a way to say no to me coming back?”
“I’ll handle Koki. If I need to I can agree with what he says at the start, and in the end, convince him that we need you.”
“I do think it would be easier to let Johnny…”
“No. It wouldn’t. I know what they need a bit better than either you or Johnny do right now. I promise I won’t let any of them hit you in the face.”
“That bad?”
“Yeah. You may have to let Koki hit you somewhere that won’t leave a visible bruise.”
“Hmmm, I suppose that’s fair. From his point of view."
“Yeah. All he saw was you walk away from the group.”
“So did you.”
“I knew there was more going on though. At first I thought it was my fault, that you had taken something I said too literally about changing the group dynamic. Then that message you sent us when we released Bokura no machi de made me think it was something else. I had no real idea though … it’s a mess. Does it have to be six months?”
“I think so. Johnny was pretty adamant.”
“So you miss the album, and the start of the concert tour, and anything else we have coming up.”
“If he insists I am away for the entire six months, yep. I’ll call Johnny later today, and tell him I want to come back. Hopefully he will be happy to hear that.” Jin checks his watch, the early morning sunlight making it easy for him to see the time. “This is going to cost you a fortune on your next phone bill.”
“I’m an idol, I can cope with whatever this call costs.”
“Even so. I should go.” Jin taps his fingers on his thigh, and says, “I’m glad you called. It was good to talk to you. I’ll let you know what Johnny has to say.”
“I’ll be ready when he tells us. We may actually have a photo shoot set for New York next month. Could you get there if Johnny agrees to set up a meeting?”
“Yeah, I can do that. Much safer than me trying to get back into Japan.”
“OK, I’ll wait to hear from you.”
“Yeah.”
Jin waits for Kame to say something, anything. “ … Kazu?”
“Yeah?”
“I miss you guys too. Let’s make this work.”
Part 2