The P! True Supernatural Story: Getting Dean Out of Hell
"Castiel?"
"Yes, Lord?"
"Castiel, I am sending you on a Holy Mission."
"You wish you had made humans to reproduce by fission?"
"A mission."
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you well. Gabriel has been blowing his horn in my ear."
"Gabriel's been writing porn and drinking beer?"
"What?"
"Never mind. The mission is this: You must find Dean Winchester in hell.
When you do, you are to grip him tight and raise him from perdition."
"Feed him an egg white to prevent malnutrition? I think that is the least of his problems in hell."
"What? No. I said grip him tight and raise him from perdition."
"Whip him with Might and daze him into submission? Is that the only way to
make him eat egg whites?"
"Raise him from perdition! You know, eternal damnation, hell fire and all that."
"Emission? Yes, he is a gassy human. So I am to smite all onions?"
"Perdition! Perdition!"
"No, it is not an imposition."
"RAISE. HIM. FROM. PERDITION."
"Key his car and disable the ignition? Hasn't the man been tortured enough?"
"Do I have to carve it in stone for you like I did for Moses? GRIP HIM TIGHT AND--"
"No, no. Grip him tight. I got it."
"For the love of Me, FINALLY."
"Lord, will you remove this affliction from my visage? It vexes me."
"No. And don't ask to borrow my ChapStick or my razor."
~~~~~ LATER ~~~~~
"Who are you?"
"I'm the one who gripped you tight and gave you a skin condition."
"..."
"That's it. On Monday I'm blowing Gabriel's horn to tiny bits with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch."
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Screencaps courtesy oxoniensis.