OHMIGOD, "Jem" is on! (Episode 3: "Kimber's Rebellion")
In the last episode of "Jem," the Starlight Girls were left without a home after the fire; Jerrica had her friends (with her as Jem, of course) stage an impromptu mini-concert to butter up Howard Sands into letting the foster girls use the mansion as a temporary home until the Battle of the Bands; the Misfits had a problem with this and caused trouble; Eric told the Misfits, "Knock that shit off!"; Jem and the Holograms performed again once they all moved in and the Misfits crashed that; a bomb went off at the mansion; some fancy schmancy countess invited Jem and the Holograms (and Rio, too) to her party on a yacht that night and snubbed the Misfits; Jem and the Holograms met Lin-Z Pierce and Anthony Julian; Anthony hit on Shana; Jem tried hitting on Rio and telling him she was really his girlfriend in disguise, but the Misfits ruined that and caused trouble at the party; Pizzazz got it into her head that she could pull a Rory Gilmore and pilot a yacht; and the yacht was heading straight for an oil barge.
Oh, and Jerrica never told Rio that she's really Jem.
Sing along with me! "Jem is truly snark-rageous! Truly, truly, truly snark-rageous!":
Now the title of this episode is "Kimber's Rebellion." What?! This episode is all about Kimber?!
No, not you, Kimber Henry. I meant Kimber Benton. And actually, it's misleading, because it's always all about Jem. Don't forget that.
Speaking of which, when we left off, the Countess' yacht was heading straight for an oil barge with Jem and Rio on the starboard side. The Captain and his crew rush to the captain's quarters (Why the hell did they leave in the first place? To grab some shrimp cocktail and champagne at the Countess' party? If they had stayed in there, the Misfits would've did what they did.) The Captain makes a very sharp turn to avoid hitting the oil barge, and the yacht tilts and everyone in the party falls over and stuff spills.
Oh, and Jem falls over the side of the yacht.
Luckily, Rio manages to hold on to her before she actually completely goes overboard. The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last! The Captain manages to get the yacht righted and reduces the speed. Rio gets Jem back on the yacht. And she's oh-so-relieved that Rio saved her, so she plants a sexy French kiss on him to thank him. (What a skank.) But Rio breaks it off and is all, "No! No, I can't hurt Jerrica!" See? Rio tries. He really tries. He knows it's wrong. And Jem's all, "But Rio..." like she's going to tell him she's really Jerrica, but the rest of the band (and Lin-Z and Anthony and the Countess) barge in to see if they're okay. Jem says, "I'm okay, thanks to Rio." And Rio looks like a dog with his tail in between his legs, because if the other girls knew he had just kissed some woman who wasn't his girlfriend, they'd probably hate him for life.
Danielle (the countess) is bitching that she wants zhose Meesfeets found, but too late. The Misfits are back on their speedboat, sarcastically thanking the Countess for the lovely time they had at the party. "We simply must do it again sometime." And you know, you want to hate the Misfits, because they're the "bad girls" and they caused trouble, and Jem nearly DIED, but they can be freaking hilarious at the same time.
"Ta-ta, bitches!"
The Countess fumes that she should call ze coast guard on zem, and Kimber's all, "Don't bother." (But Rory Gilmore got in trouble for grand theft yacht; why can't the Misfits?! Oh yeah, because they're the Misfits.) Jem says the only way they'll win this Battle of the Bands is if they make better music. Anthony's all set to make a music video nao!, and the Countess will step in as their benefactor of sorts and help finance them. And she knows the perfect place for their first music video:
Par-ee!
Err, she meant "Paris."
Aja says, "We can never thank you enough!" with this weird-sounding accent like she's supposed to be foreign, but certainly not Chinese or Japanese or whatever she's supposed to be. Kimber squeals, "OUTRAGEOUS!" and I roll my eyes, because this isn't the first we'll hear Kimber say this. Jem's all, "Wait, first we finish cutting our album." Ya know, because they haven't even started yet.
Back at the.....STARLIGHT MANSION.....the Starlight Girls are hanging around, doing stuff normal little girls/tweens/teens do, like paint pictures or repair clothes or play checkers. Jem and the Holograms leave in two days, and all of the girls are in awe, "Ooh, Paris!" Ashley, the tough little ragamuffin who reminds me of Pepper in Annie is all, "Aw, Jem and the Holograms, that's all you ever talk about." Lela reminds Ashley that she still has to earn the money for the Honor Jar, and Ashley pulls out the thirty bucks she scammed off of Stormer and is all, "Ta-da! I'm off the hook!" But Lela wants to know how Ashley earned the money. Ashley's all, "Why's that important?" Well, it is important, because it's the "Honor Jar," after all. (I would've loved to have seen more situations with the Starlight Girls and the Honor Jar in the series.) Ashley throws the money at Lela and is all, "You all hate me!" and has a hissy fit and runs out. Pfft, teenagers. Just give her some Ritalin and she'll be fine. Wait, this isn't the 90s.
Meanwhile, Jem and the Holograms are in the studio, recording their single "Twilight in Paris." (Wow, how original is that! Since they're going to Paris!)
Rio tells them they need to tighten it up after the last take, and Jem swears they'll keep doing it till they get it right. On the other end of the spectrum, however....look who else is recording music:
Eric Raymond's bitching that they need to pick up the tempo and to drive the beat harder. Like any good musician with their craft, Stormer says, "Okay." But Pizzazz whines that the previous take was already their best, and Roxy's getting bored. Pizzazz wants to know why the hell can't they go somewhere cool like Paris to record a music video, and Eric tells her...through gritted teeth, "Because, my dear Pizzazz, there's only so much money I can embezzle from Starlight Music until I own it."
*shakes head* Oh Jerrica, even if Jem and the Holograms win this contest, they're going to be in so much debt because of Eric Raymond being a greedy prick. Can't she at least hire a lawyer to see about this?!
Besides, if Eric can't send the Misfits to Paris, he's gonna send Zipper to sabotoge Jem and the Hologram's video. Any way he can. (But you know he'll probably botch it up. Zipper can never do anything right.)
Overseas in Paris, Jem and the Holograms are shooting their music video for "Twilight In Paris." Anthony is giving Jem some direction on what to do and where to look, and Kimber's getting jealous that Jem's getting all the attention. Aja tells her not to get all bent out of shape, but Kimber walks off in a huff. Around the corner, that asshat Zipper is lurking in the shadows, eyeing Kimber as if he's going to kidnap her and drug her and sell her into the underground human trafficking market in Paris. (BTW, I just saw Taken. Anyone else seen that?)
Luckily for Kimber, not-quite-the-big-brother Rio catches up with her and wants to know what bug crawled up her butt. He reminds her that Jem isn't trying to hog the spotlight. Oh, and that Kimber's also acting like a spoiled brat. (You go, Rio.) And Kimber NEARLY spills the beans about who Jem really IS! (Oh Kimber, I wish you would have finished that sentence!) Then Aja and Shana step in (because Anthony needs them for a shot), but then out of Rio's earshot, they tell Kimber that she needs to keep her mouth shut about that or they'll have to cut out her tounge. Kimber apologizes, but tells them, "Rio has a right to know!" Shana tells her, "Maybe he does, but that's up to Jerrica." Yeah, Shana, how many times are you going to give that excuse to the point where you and Aja and Kimber get tired of covering Jerrica's ass? Well, we've got 62 more episodes after this one to find out.
Zipper's plan to potentially kidnap/daterape Kimber has been thwarted, but he's got another idea. (And he's still wearing that attention-drawing "Zipper" jacket. Dumbass.)
Anyhoo, we haven't had a music video yet this episode:
(I wanna know how they conned Rio into being in the music video. And gotta love how the synching is all off with Kimber, Aja and Shana.)
As they're finishing up a shot with the whole band, Zipper's on top of a building, trying to pry a gargoyle off the top with a stick to come crashing down on our plucky little band. But Rio play the hero role again and gets the girls out of the way before the gargoyle crushes an angel statue's wing to come crashing down on them. Yet...at 8:07, it looks like Rio didn't get the rest of the girls and they're with Anthony. But he's got a firm grip on Jem again, if you get my drift.
Jem: "Don't let me go, Rio. I don't care about your obvious hard-on. I welcome it!"
Meanwhile, the always-asture Aja notices that this was no accident, and spots Zipper on top of the building where the gargoyle fell from. Zipper runs away and makes a daring leap from one building rooftop to another. Kimber mutters, "And I bet I know who sent him."
Back home in the USA, the Starlight Girls are cleaning up around their new home. (They've only been living in this mansion for a few days, and they've made a mess already?!) All of them except for Ashley, of course. She decides to run off and see what life's like in the real world. She stops by some seedy club where the Misfits are either hanging out or performing. The bouncer--who looks like Zeus from No Holds Barred...
(Sorry. Had to post it so you got what I was referencing. But if you've never seen it, it's horrendously great. And it's so 80s. I wish it were on DVD, for the Hulkamaniac that still lives deep down in me. Mind you, I was getting into the World Wrestling Federation the same time I was getting into "Jem.")
...the bouncer stops Ass-ley at the door because she's underage. She pulls some BS that she's friends with the Misfits. The bouncer says, "Yeah, sure. And I'm Duran Duran." WOAH! Never thought they'd get away with referencing a major music group like them during this show! But then Pizzazz, Stormer and Roxy come out and they recognize Ass-ley as the "kid who helped them out." Stormer--ever the sweet one--asks Ashley her name. Roxy wants to know why she's here; did Jerrica kick her out because Ashley let them in? Pizzazz says, "She would, the creep." And I wonder how much of Pizzazz's vendetta is against either Jem or Jerrica. I think she dislikes Jem because she's so pretty and likeable, but hates Jerrica because she's a bitch and called the Misfits "trash." So they invite Ass-ley into the bar to hang with them; now she's a Misfit!
So here are the rules to being a Misfit:
--A Misfit never asks for anything.
--A Misfit takes whatever he/she wants.
--No "please" or "thank you" crap. A "GIMME!" will suffice.
The Misfits swipe what looks like glasses of milk from a waiter (MILK?! In a BAR?! Seriously!), and Pizzazz kicks a chair out from some poor schmuck who just happens to be seated where she wants to sit. Wow. Ass-ley's chosen some fiiiine role models to hang around. Too bad Jerrica's not around to do a stellar job as her guardian. Where the hell has she been anyway? Did she go with Jem and the Holograms to Paris?
At the airport, Jem and the Holograms (and Rio, too) are talking with Danielle DuVoison, and Danielle wants to do a new Jem-inspired clothing line. Kimber grumbles, "You mean Jem and the Holograms." The Countess is all, "Of course, mes petit!" but she sounds kind of condescending. Jem would love to talk about it more, but she's gotta run and change back into Jerrica because she's supposed to be "meeting her band" at the airport. Rio tries to stop her, but Aja points out that Jerrica's supposed to be meeting them, and wouldn't he like to see his girlfriend now that he's home? Rio's response: "Leave me alone, Aja." (Uh-oh, not good.)
Jem ducks behind a big pillar, touches her earring and says..."For the honor of Grayskull! Show's over, Synergy." And she's Jerrica again. But now she's got the white skirt over the pink dress she was wearing and a white blazer and a white beret. It's like, wow. Just throw on a wig and change the clothes up some, and no one will EVER KNOW! Do we even really need the earrings?
Jerrica Benton, meet Miley Stewart. ("Hannah Montana" is just a "Jem" ripoff.)
Jerrica comes back and wants to know where Rio is. Aja tells her he took off. Jerrica's upset, but Aja suggests a spin around town to cheer her up.
HA. The Misfits wasted NO TIME while Jem and the Holograms were gone. It's time they got down to business. Hoo-boy, I smell another music video!:
I love the posters they put up of Jem with the bareback shot. SEXAY!! (Check out the spazzy way Shana's playing drums at 0:46; I guess the animators never really watched how drummers play the drums.)
And yeah, Kimber's annoyed with the crap the Misfits are pulling, so she decides to go tell Eric Raymond off about it. Eric starts getting schmoozy with her, calling her "darling" like he did with Jerrica and going on about how he hasn't had a chance to be with her since her daddy died and how deeply sorry he is about that. Kimber can see through his BS and tells him to make the Misfits lay off; he's not rigging this contest. (Wanna bet?) Eric says he's tried controlling them (true...), but they're impossible. (True...and this almost makes me feel sorry for Eric Raymond.....Almost.) If only he had someone like Kimber to promote....sweet, beautiful, the real talent of the band, not Jem...but she gets all the publicity while Kimber writes all the songs...(Man, this guy's good.) He tries to get Kimber to sign with him. She hesitates, then leaves.
Later, Jerrica comes home from a long day prostituting herself doing work for the band, since she has no real job at the moment, since her job has been taken over by Eric Raymond. With what money are they taking care of the Starlight Girls?! None of them hold down any real jobs! And there's Kimber, lazing around and strumming her guitar again while Aja and Shana are assembling more press stuff. The phone rings, Jerrica answers, and it's Lin-Z Pierce who wants to speak with Jem. Jerrica's like, "Hold on a sec...........this is Jem." Does NOTHING to really disguise her voice! And since she's on the phone, it's not like anyone's going to see her on the other end.
Lin-Z tells her that their video is the hottest one they've got in rotation right now, and she's got a spot for her on her show today, and asks her to pop by for an interview. Jerrica's thrilled, and she says, "I'll get the Holograms--" and Lin-Z cuts her off. She tells her she's only got room for her today, but she'll do a spot with the rest of the band later. She's got an hour to make it down to the VTV studios.
13:37--the dance that Aja, Shana and Kimber do is hilarious! They're all thrilled! They're gonna be on Lin-Z Pierce's show! Kimber's all, "But I gotta do my makeup!" Then Jerrica drops the bad news--Lin-Z only wants Jem on today. *boooooooooooooooo*
Kimber's pissed. "Jem this, Jem that....you know what?!...I'm sick of being the invisible woman behind Jem! You can get some other flunkie to plunk piano keys for you!"
"Kimber Benton is going solo!" (Wow, Eric really got to her, didn't he?) Kimber's running out of the mansion, and Jerrica and the others are trying to chase her down to talk some sense into her. She gets in the Rockin' Roadster and takes off.
...But she's sad. Shana excuses Kimber's childish behavior as her "letting off some steam," and Aja says they don't mind if Jerrica goes and does the interview as Jem. But no. Jerrica knows there's a problem when her little sister has a hissy fit. So she calls Lin-Z back up and tells her, "Sorry, but either all of us or none of us." Lin-Z doesn't mind, as long as they can all make it in an hour.
Know what this reminds me of?:
True fax. When No Doubt was first making it big, Spin magazine did an interview with them, but it was nearly entirely about Gwen, and they wanted her on the cover by herself. This was a major cause of friction in the band, because all the media up to this was all "GWEN!" and not the rest of No Doubt. It nearly broke up No Doubt. But because it wasn't really Gwen's fault, she put her foot down and said she everything after that had to be all of No Doubt, or none of them. (Well, until she did her solo albums, but they ALL did side projects around that time.) That's what the point of the "Don't Speak" video was about.
Anyhoo, back to "Jem." Jerrica, Aja and Shana scramble into the giant Starlight Express van (LAWL) and try to figure out how to get Kimber back home and with them to the interview. Jerrica assumes Kimber will be driving around, listening to her favorite radio station, KMAX.
Aja: "Do you think the DJ will let you on the air?"
Jerrica: "He might not let Jerrica, but he'll do it for Jem!" (Why? Is Jem going to do something....special to persuade him?) So they rush in the station and she transforms in the elevator.
Ta-Da!!!!
The DJ lets them on the air with a special message:
Jem: "Kimber, we hope you're listening. Come home. We need you, and we want you to know that...
Aja: "...without you..."
Shana: "...there's no Holograms."
Jem: "And without the Holograms, there's no Jem."
Aw, how cheesy and gooey. And way to air the band's dirty laundry LIVE on the air, Jem! What an attention whore!
Back at the mansion, Jerrica feels so guilty about the situation, she has to wrap her head up in a scarf.
Why did she feel the need to change clothes when they got home? (Oh wait, it's a hologram. *oOoOoOoOoOo*) They're worried. What if Kimber wasn't listening?
"She was." LOOK WHO'S BACK!!!
And all's right with the world. She's back in the band.
OUTRAGEOUS!!!
And will they be able to make it to the studio? Hellz yeah! RIO shows up with his clunker and yells, "YOU'VE GOT FIFTEEN MINUTES!!" (How the hell is Rio always in on this stuff, but he doesn't know that HIS DAMN GIRLFRIEND IS REALLY JEM?!) And fifteen minutes? Really? I seem to remember a quote from Clueless where Cher's dad says, "Everywhere in LA takes twenty minutes." The girls take the Roadster while Jerrica braves the drive in Rio's van.
Rio tells Jerrica he's been trying to get a chance to talk to her and spend some time with her, but she's always been so busy doing stuff for Jem and the Holograms. Jerrica knows something's wrong, so he breaks the bad news to her. "I can't be Jem's road manager anymore. She makes all these advances on me, and I can't handle having a raging boner around her 24/7. It's a conflict of interest."
Of all the shit to happen in one day! Her sister nearly quits the band, and now her boyfriend wants out now, too?! Jerrica puts on a pouty face and tells Rio what a valuable asset he is to the team (And WHAT an asset...) and she needs him. (She wants him. BAD.) He tells her he doesn't want to hurt her, but she convinces him to stay on as road manager. And he hugs her, despite the ugly scarf on her head. Jerrica's so stupid. That would've been the PERFECT moment to tell him the truth. OMGWTFBBQ?!!!
(See, Rio tries. He TRIES. He fights Jem's advances at first, and actually tried to quit as road manager because he knew she'd be a problem for him.)
Aja, Shana and Kimber rush her inside the building "because she needs to get Jem!" Inside the dressing room, she transforms into Jem for the second time today.
The show's starting, and Lin-Z announces that Jem and the Holograms will be performing today. The Misfits are watching on TV, and they get PISSED!!! They HAVE to get down to sabotoge the performance!
Why did Jem transform into her pink dress, but in the video, she's wearing this blue number? Crappy animation continuity, I salute thee! (And towards the end of the video, Rio pretty much decides, "Aw, screw it. Jem's hot and she keeps making me feel happy in my pants.")
"Got yer nose!"
19:22 The Misfits pull up, and Roxy's driving the van. But in the next shot, Stormer's in the driver's seat. (Crappy animation continuity, I salute thee!) Well, the Misfits are off to cause some trouble on Lin-Z Pierce's show! Ass-ley wants to help, but Pizzazz tells her to stay in the van. The Misfits try to weasel their way on the set, but security is doing a pretty good job at keeping them off. So they go back to the van and get Ass-ley out. NOW they can use her help! They send her in, and Ass-ley causes a distraction and kicks the security guard in the shins. He chases after her, leaving the door open for the Misfits to get in. Sneaky bitches.
Back on the show, Lin-Z Pierce asks Jem and the Holograms how they came up with their name. (I think Jerrica pulled it out of her butt very last minute on the state, TBQH.) FINALLY the Misfits barge in, pushing Shana and Kimber off the couch.
Pizzazz: "Who cares? Now you take the MISFITS!"
Stormer: "Yeah, that's a name that means something!"
Jem: "I know what it means. It means being rude, obnoxious and loud."
Pizzazz: "I AM NOT LOUD!" (LMAO)
Lin-Z tries to cut to a commercial break, but Roxy demands that they get some airtime. Lin-Z says that she was planning on inviting the Misfits for their own interview, but after this it's not gonna happen. And Pizzazz utters one of the BEST lines ever: "You can't keep airing commercials forever!" HAS PIZZAZZ WATCHED THE CURRENT INCARNATION OF MTV LATELY?!! It's nothing but commercials, "The Hills" and "Paris Hilton's My New BFF."
Now at 20:21 when Kimber is pushed off the couch, there's no couch arm.
But at 20:44, the couch has an arm! BLOOPER!! The Misfits jump up and grab some instruments because they want to play a song. Finally, Jem has had it and decides to assert herself. "We're through with letting you push us around!" Lin-Z calls some guys on the set to escort the Misfits out. A couple of cameraguys and Rio jump to the opportunity. (21:07 Pizzazz: "Okay, okay, your show doesn't have enough class for us anyway!" Pizzazz slaps Lin-Z across the face, and Pizzazz is left-handed!!) Pizzazz mouths off to Rio, "If you ever get tired of working for Jem, you can always come work for me!" Rio--escorting her off the set--tells her not to hold her breath, so she elbows him hard, pushing him backwards into some lighting equipment, which send some more lighting equipment crashing down from the ceiling (all from one simple nudge of Pizzazz's elbow!), and before you know it, Jem's in the middle of it all.
Sheesh, Jem can't keep herself away from death's door long enough, can she?
STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 4! (And once again, very special thanks for the screencaps from here.)
Oh, and Jerrica never told Rio that she's really Jem.
Sing along with me! "Jem is truly snark-rageous! Truly, truly, truly snark-rageous!":
Click to viewNow the title of this episode is "Kimber's Rebellion." What?! This episode is all about Kimber?!
No, not you, Kimber Henry. I meant Kimber Benton. And actually, it's misleading, because it's always all about Jem. Don't forget that.
Speaking of which, when we left off, the Countess' yacht was heading straight for an oil barge with Jem and Rio on the starboard side. The Captain and his crew rush to the captain's quarters (Why the hell did they leave in the first place? To grab some shrimp cocktail and champagne at the Countess' party? If they had stayed in there, the Misfits would've did what they did.) The Captain makes a very sharp turn to avoid hitting the oil barge, and the yacht tilts and everyone in the party falls over and stuff spills.
Oh, and Jem falls over the side of the yacht.
Luckily, Rio manages to hold on to her before she actually completely goes overboard. The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last! The Captain manages to get the yacht righted and reduces the speed. Rio gets Jem back on the yacht. And she's oh-so-relieved that Rio saved her, so she plants a sexy French kiss on him to thank him. (What a skank.) But Rio breaks it off and is all, "No! No, I can't hurt Jerrica!" See? Rio tries. He really tries. He knows it's wrong. And Jem's all, "But Rio..." like she's going to tell him she's really Jerrica, but the rest of the band (and Lin-Z and Anthony and the Countess) barge in to see if they're okay. Jem says, "I'm okay, thanks to Rio." And Rio looks like a dog with his tail in between his legs, because if the other girls knew he had just kissed some woman who wasn't his girlfriend, they'd probably hate him for life.
Danielle (the countess) is bitching that she wants zhose Meesfeets found, but too late. The Misfits are back on their speedboat, sarcastically thanking the Countess for the lovely time they had at the party. "We simply must do it again sometime." And you know, you want to hate the Misfits, because they're the "bad girls" and they caused trouble, and Jem nearly DIED, but they can be freaking hilarious at the same time.
"Ta-ta, bitches!"
The Countess fumes that she should call ze coast guard on zem, and Kimber's all, "Don't bother." (But Rory Gilmore got in trouble for grand theft yacht; why can't the Misfits?! Oh yeah, because they're the Misfits.) Jem says the only way they'll win this Battle of the Bands is if they make better music. Anthony's all set to make a music video nao!, and the Countess will step in as their benefactor of sorts and help finance them. And she knows the perfect place for their first music video:
Par-ee!
Err, she meant "Paris."
Aja says, "We can never thank you enough!" with this weird-sounding accent like she's supposed to be foreign, but certainly not Chinese or Japanese or whatever she's supposed to be. Kimber squeals, "OUTRAGEOUS!" and I roll my eyes, because this isn't the first we'll hear Kimber say this. Jem's all, "Wait, first we finish cutting our album." Ya know, because they haven't even started yet.
Back at the.....STARLIGHT MANSION.....the Starlight Girls are hanging around, doing stuff normal little girls/tweens/teens do, like paint pictures or repair clothes or play checkers. Jem and the Holograms leave in two days, and all of the girls are in awe, "Ooh, Paris!" Ashley, the tough little ragamuffin who reminds me of Pepper in Annie is all, "Aw, Jem and the Holograms, that's all you ever talk about." Lela reminds Ashley that she still has to earn the money for the Honor Jar, and Ashley pulls out the thirty bucks she scammed off of Stormer and is all, "Ta-da! I'm off the hook!" But Lela wants to know how Ashley earned the money. Ashley's all, "Why's that important?" Well, it is important, because it's the "Honor Jar," after all. (I would've loved to have seen more situations with the Starlight Girls and the Honor Jar in the series.) Ashley throws the money at Lela and is all, "You all hate me!" and has a hissy fit and runs out. Pfft, teenagers. Just give her some Ritalin and she'll be fine. Wait, this isn't the 90s.
Meanwhile, Jem and the Holograms are in the studio, recording their single "Twilight in Paris." (Wow, how original is that! Since they're going to Paris!)
Rio tells them they need to tighten it up after the last take, and Jem swears they'll keep doing it till they get it right. On the other end of the spectrum, however....look who else is recording music:
Eric Raymond's bitching that they need to pick up the tempo and to drive the beat harder. Like any good musician with their craft, Stormer says, "Okay." But Pizzazz whines that the previous take was already their best, and Roxy's getting bored. Pizzazz wants to know why the hell can't they go somewhere cool like Paris to record a music video, and Eric tells her...through gritted teeth, "Because, my dear Pizzazz, there's only so much money I can embezzle from Starlight Music until I own it."
*shakes head* Oh Jerrica, even if Jem and the Holograms win this contest, they're going to be in so much debt because of Eric Raymond being a greedy prick. Can't she at least hire a lawyer to see about this?!
Besides, if Eric can't send the Misfits to Paris, he's gonna send Zipper to sabotoge Jem and the Hologram's video. Any way he can. (But you know he'll probably botch it up. Zipper can never do anything right.)
Overseas in Paris, Jem and the Holograms are shooting their music video for "Twilight In Paris." Anthony is giving Jem some direction on what to do and where to look, and Kimber's getting jealous that Jem's getting all the attention. Aja tells her not to get all bent out of shape, but Kimber walks off in a huff. Around the corner, that asshat Zipper is lurking in the shadows, eyeing Kimber as if he's going to kidnap her and drug her and sell her into the underground human trafficking market in Paris. (BTW, I just saw Taken. Anyone else seen that?)
Luckily for Kimber, not-quite-the-big-brother Rio catches up with her and wants to know what bug crawled up her butt. He reminds her that Jem isn't trying to hog the spotlight. Oh, and that Kimber's also acting like a spoiled brat. (You go, Rio.) And Kimber NEARLY spills the beans about who Jem really IS! (Oh Kimber, I wish you would have finished that sentence!) Then Aja and Shana step in (because Anthony needs them for a shot), but then out of Rio's earshot, they tell Kimber that she needs to keep her mouth shut about that or they'll have to cut out her tounge. Kimber apologizes, but tells them, "Rio has a right to know!" Shana tells her, "Maybe he does, but that's up to Jerrica." Yeah, Shana, how many times are you going to give that excuse to the point where you and Aja and Kimber get tired of covering Jerrica's ass? Well, we've got 62 more episodes after this one to find out.
Zipper's plan to potentially kidnap/daterape Kimber has been thwarted, but he's got another idea. (And he's still wearing that attention-drawing "Zipper" jacket. Dumbass.)
Anyhoo, we haven't had a music video yet this episode:
(I wanna know how they conned Rio into being in the music video. And gotta love how the synching is all off with Kimber, Aja and Shana.)
As they're finishing up a shot with the whole band, Zipper's on top of a building, trying to pry a gargoyle off the top with a stick to come crashing down on our plucky little band. But Rio play the hero role again and gets the girls out of the way before the gargoyle crushes an angel statue's wing to come crashing down on them. Yet...at 8:07, it looks like Rio didn't get the rest of the girls and they're with Anthony. But he's got a firm grip on Jem again, if you get my drift.
Jem: "Don't let me go, Rio. I don't care about your obvious hard-on. I welcome it!"
Meanwhile, the always-asture Aja notices that this was no accident, and spots Zipper on top of the building where the gargoyle fell from. Zipper runs away and makes a daring leap from one building rooftop to another. Kimber mutters, "And I bet I know who sent him."
Back home in the USA, the Starlight Girls are cleaning up around their new home. (They've only been living in this mansion for a few days, and they've made a mess already?!) All of them except for Ashley, of course. She decides to run off and see what life's like in the real world. She stops by some seedy club where the Misfits are either hanging out or performing. The bouncer--who looks like Zeus from No Holds Barred...
(Sorry. Had to post it so you got what I was referencing. But if you've never seen it, it's horrendously great. And it's so 80s. I wish it were on DVD, for the Hulkamaniac that still lives deep down in me. Mind you, I was getting into the World Wrestling Federation the same time I was getting into "Jem.")
...the bouncer stops Ass-ley at the door because she's underage. She pulls some BS that she's friends with the Misfits. The bouncer says, "Yeah, sure. And I'm Duran Duran." WOAH! Never thought they'd get away with referencing a major music group like them during this show! But then Pizzazz, Stormer and Roxy come out and they recognize Ass-ley as the "kid who helped them out." Stormer--ever the sweet one--asks Ashley her name. Roxy wants to know why she's here; did Jerrica kick her out because Ashley let them in? Pizzazz says, "She would, the creep." And I wonder how much of Pizzazz's vendetta is against either Jem or Jerrica. I think she dislikes Jem because she's so pretty and likeable, but hates Jerrica because she's a bitch and called the Misfits "trash." So they invite Ass-ley into the bar to hang with them; now she's a Misfit!
So here are the rules to being a Misfit:
--A Misfit never asks for anything.
--A Misfit takes whatever he/she wants.
--No "please" or "thank you" crap. A "GIMME!" will suffice.
The Misfits swipe what looks like glasses of milk from a waiter (MILK?! In a BAR?! Seriously!), and Pizzazz kicks a chair out from some poor schmuck who just happens to be seated where she wants to sit. Wow. Ass-ley's chosen some fiiiine role models to hang around. Too bad Jerrica's not around to do a stellar job as her guardian. Where the hell has she been anyway? Did she go with Jem and the Holograms to Paris?
At the airport, Jem and the Holograms (and Rio, too) are talking with Danielle DuVoison, and Danielle wants to do a new Jem-inspired clothing line. Kimber grumbles, "You mean Jem and the Holograms." The Countess is all, "Of course, mes petit!" but she sounds kind of condescending. Jem would love to talk about it more, but she's gotta run and change back into Jerrica because she's supposed to be "meeting her band" at the airport. Rio tries to stop her, but Aja points out that Jerrica's supposed to be meeting them, and wouldn't he like to see his girlfriend now that he's home? Rio's response: "Leave me alone, Aja." (Uh-oh, not good.)
Jem ducks behind a big pillar, touches her earring and says..."For the honor of Grayskull! Show's over, Synergy." And she's Jerrica again. But now she's got the white skirt over the pink dress she was wearing and a white blazer and a white beret. It's like, wow. Just throw on a wig and change the clothes up some, and no one will EVER KNOW! Do we even really need the earrings?
Jerrica Benton, meet Miley Stewart. ("Hannah Montana" is just a "Jem" ripoff.)
Jerrica comes back and wants to know where Rio is. Aja tells her he took off. Jerrica's upset, but Aja suggests a spin around town to cheer her up.
HA. The Misfits wasted NO TIME while Jem and the Holograms were gone. It's time they got down to business. Hoo-boy, I smell another music video!:
I love the posters they put up of Jem with the bareback shot. SEXAY!! (Check out the spazzy way Shana's playing drums at 0:46; I guess the animators never really watched how drummers play the drums.)
And yeah, Kimber's annoyed with the crap the Misfits are pulling, so she decides to go tell Eric Raymond off about it. Eric starts getting schmoozy with her, calling her "darling" like he did with Jerrica and going on about how he hasn't had a chance to be with her since her daddy died and how deeply sorry he is about that. Kimber can see through his BS and tells him to make the Misfits lay off; he's not rigging this contest. (Wanna bet?) Eric says he's tried controlling them (true...), but they're impossible. (True...and this almost makes me feel sorry for Eric Raymond.....Almost.) If only he had someone like Kimber to promote....sweet, beautiful, the real talent of the band, not Jem...but she gets all the publicity while Kimber writes all the songs...(Man, this guy's good.) He tries to get Kimber to sign with him. She hesitates, then leaves.
Later, Jerrica comes home from a long day prostituting herself doing work for the band, since she has no real job at the moment, since her job has been taken over by Eric Raymond. With what money are they taking care of the Starlight Girls?! None of them hold down any real jobs! And there's Kimber, lazing around and strumming her guitar again while Aja and Shana are assembling more press stuff. The phone rings, Jerrica answers, and it's Lin-Z Pierce who wants to speak with Jem. Jerrica's like, "Hold on a sec...........this is Jem." Does NOTHING to really disguise her voice! And since she's on the phone, it's not like anyone's going to see her on the other end.
Lin-Z tells her that their video is the hottest one they've got in rotation right now, and she's got a spot for her on her show today, and asks her to pop by for an interview. Jerrica's thrilled, and she says, "I'll get the Holograms--" and Lin-Z cuts her off. She tells her she's only got room for her today, but she'll do a spot with the rest of the band later. She's got an hour to make it down to the VTV studios.
13:37--the dance that Aja, Shana and Kimber do is hilarious! They're all thrilled! They're gonna be on Lin-Z Pierce's show! Kimber's all, "But I gotta do my makeup!" Then Jerrica drops the bad news--Lin-Z only wants Jem on today. *boooooooooooooooo*
Kimber's pissed. "Jem this, Jem that....you know what?!...I'm sick of being the invisible woman behind Jem! You can get some other flunkie to plunk piano keys for you!"
"Kimber Benton is going solo!" (Wow, Eric really got to her, didn't he?) Kimber's running out of the mansion, and Jerrica and the others are trying to chase her down to talk some sense into her. She gets in the Rockin' Roadster and takes off.
...But she's sad. Shana excuses Kimber's childish behavior as her "letting off some steam," and Aja says they don't mind if Jerrica goes and does the interview as Jem. But no. Jerrica knows there's a problem when her little sister has a hissy fit. So she calls Lin-Z back up and tells her, "Sorry, but either all of us or none of us." Lin-Z doesn't mind, as long as they can all make it in an hour.
Know what this reminds me of?:
True fax. When No Doubt was first making it big, Spin magazine did an interview with them, but it was nearly entirely about Gwen, and they wanted her on the cover by herself. This was a major cause of friction in the band, because all the media up to this was all "GWEN!" and not the rest of No Doubt. It nearly broke up No Doubt. But because it wasn't really Gwen's fault, she put her foot down and said she everything after that had to be all of No Doubt, or none of them. (Well, until she did her solo albums, but they ALL did side projects around that time.) That's what the point of the "Don't Speak" video was about.
Anyhoo, back to "Jem." Jerrica, Aja and Shana scramble into the giant Starlight Express van (LAWL) and try to figure out how to get Kimber back home and with them to the interview. Jerrica assumes Kimber will be driving around, listening to her favorite radio station, KMAX.
Aja: "Do you think the DJ will let you on the air?"
Jerrica: "He might not let Jerrica, but he'll do it for Jem!" (Why? Is Jem going to do something....special to persuade him?) So they rush in the station and she transforms in the elevator.
Ta-Da!!!!
The DJ lets them on the air with a special message:
Jem: "Kimber, we hope you're listening. Come home. We need you, and we want you to know that...
Aja: "...without you..."
Shana: "...there's no Holograms."
Jem: "And without the Holograms, there's no Jem."
Aw, how cheesy and gooey. And way to air the band's dirty laundry LIVE on the air, Jem! What an attention whore!
Back at the mansion, Jerrica feels so guilty about the situation, she has to wrap her head up in a scarf.
Why did she feel the need to change clothes when they got home? (Oh wait, it's a hologram. *oOoOoOoOoOo*) They're worried. What if Kimber wasn't listening?
"She was." LOOK WHO'S BACK!!!
And all's right with the world. She's back in the band.
OUTRAGEOUS!!!
And will they be able to make it to the studio? Hellz yeah! RIO shows up with his clunker and yells, "YOU'VE GOT FIFTEEN MINUTES!!" (How the hell is Rio always in on this stuff, but he doesn't know that HIS DAMN GIRLFRIEND IS REALLY JEM?!) And fifteen minutes? Really? I seem to remember a quote from Clueless where Cher's dad says, "Everywhere in LA takes twenty minutes." The girls take the Roadster while Jerrica braves the drive in Rio's van.
Rio tells Jerrica he's been trying to get a chance to talk to her and spend some time with her, but she's always been so busy doing stuff for Jem and the Holograms. Jerrica knows something's wrong, so he breaks the bad news to her. "I can't be Jem's road manager anymore. She makes all these advances on me, and I can't handle having a raging boner around her 24/7. It's a conflict of interest."
Of all the shit to happen in one day! Her sister nearly quits the band, and now her boyfriend wants out now, too?! Jerrica puts on a pouty face and tells Rio what a valuable asset he is to the team (And WHAT an asset...) and she needs him. (She wants him. BAD.) He tells her he doesn't want to hurt her, but she convinces him to stay on as road manager. And he hugs her, despite the ugly scarf on her head. Jerrica's so stupid. That would've been the PERFECT moment to tell him the truth. OMGWTFBBQ?!!!
(See, Rio tries. He TRIES. He fights Jem's advances at first, and actually tried to quit as road manager because he knew she'd be a problem for him.)
Aja, Shana and Kimber rush her inside the building "because she needs to get Jem!" Inside the dressing room, she transforms into Jem for the second time today.
The show's starting, and Lin-Z announces that Jem and the Holograms will be performing today. The Misfits are watching on TV, and they get PISSED!!! They HAVE to get down to sabotoge the performance!
Why did Jem transform into her pink dress, but in the video, she's wearing this blue number? Crappy animation continuity, I salute thee! (And towards the end of the video, Rio pretty much decides, "Aw, screw it. Jem's hot and she keeps making me feel happy in my pants.")
"Got yer nose!"
19:22 The Misfits pull up, and Roxy's driving the van. But in the next shot, Stormer's in the driver's seat. (Crappy animation continuity, I salute thee!) Well, the Misfits are off to cause some trouble on Lin-Z Pierce's show! Ass-ley wants to help, but Pizzazz tells her to stay in the van. The Misfits try to weasel their way on the set, but security is doing a pretty good job at keeping them off. So they go back to the van and get Ass-ley out. NOW they can use her help! They send her in, and Ass-ley causes a distraction and kicks the security guard in the shins. He chases after her, leaving the door open for the Misfits to get in. Sneaky bitches.
Back on the show, Lin-Z Pierce asks Jem and the Holograms how they came up with their name. (I think Jerrica pulled it out of her butt very last minute on the state, TBQH.) FINALLY the Misfits barge in, pushing Shana and Kimber off the couch.
Pizzazz: "Who cares? Now you take the MISFITS!"
Stormer: "Yeah, that's a name that means something!"
Jem: "I know what it means. It means being rude, obnoxious and loud."
Pizzazz: "I AM NOT LOUD!" (LMAO)
Lin-Z tries to cut to a commercial break, but Roxy demands that they get some airtime. Lin-Z says that she was planning on inviting the Misfits for their own interview, but after this it's not gonna happen. And Pizzazz utters one of the BEST lines ever: "You can't keep airing commercials forever!" HAS PIZZAZZ WATCHED THE CURRENT INCARNATION OF MTV LATELY?!! It's nothing but commercials, "The Hills" and "Paris Hilton's My New BFF."
Now at 20:21 when Kimber is pushed off the couch, there's no couch arm.
But at 20:44, the couch has an arm! BLOOPER!! The Misfits jump up and grab some instruments because they want to play a song. Finally, Jem has had it and decides to assert herself. "We're through with letting you push us around!" Lin-Z calls some guys on the set to escort the Misfits out. A couple of cameraguys and Rio jump to the opportunity. (21:07 Pizzazz: "Okay, okay, your show doesn't have enough class for us anyway!" Pizzazz slaps Lin-Z across the face, and Pizzazz is left-handed!!) Pizzazz mouths off to Rio, "If you ever get tired of working for Jem, you can always come work for me!" Rio--escorting her off the set--tells her not to hold her breath, so she elbows him hard, pushing him backwards into some lighting equipment, which send some more lighting equipment crashing down from the ceiling (all from one simple nudge of Pizzazz's elbow!), and before you know it, Jem's in the middle of it all.
Sheesh, Jem can't keep herself away from death's door long enough, can she?
STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 4! (And once again, very special thanks for the screencaps from here.)