and now..."Rock of Love," bitches!
This was an interesting week. During "Flavor of Love," Flav exhibited what I like to refer to as "Flav-logic," which is when he would make a questionable decision at elimination time. (For example, when Flav eliminated Goldie after Goldie made it clear she just wanted to be friends with Flav and he was clearly looking for action. Then at the end of "Flavor of Love 2," New York was going on and on about how they'd be together forever, and Flav told her "he was just looking for someone he could kick it with casually.") This week, the "Rock of Love" equivalent is starting to shine through.
I call it "Bret-logic." Or "thinking with your dick." Whichever.
After Bret eliminated Rodeo and Brandi C last week, they all toasted with bottled water since Bret was still feeling the effects of his drunken partying the previous night. This night, Bret still isn't feeling too hot, so he retires to bed early (to avoid Crazy Lacey trying to jump his bones again? maybe...) The girls CIVILLY hang out a bit. I know--a shocker! Brandi M spits out her water and starts drinking some more.
I'm going to just drop the "M" and call her Brandi now, since Brandi C has been eliminated. There's only one Brandi in the house now; no need to distinguish her Spice Girls'style. But Bret has affectionately nicknamed her "BB" anyway. (Why didn't he give ALL of the girls their own nicknames like Flava Flav did?)
BTW...anyone watch the Roast of Flava Flav on Comedy Central last night? Good stuff. Back to "Rock of Love."
The next morning, Brandi wakes up all hungover from drinking too much. (And we all called TIFFANY at the beginning a lush!) Crazy Lacey is bitching and moaning that she hasn't won a single competition yet. I mean, what's up with that?! She couldn't cut the mustard with the phone sex, she made herself look like an ass on the motocross track, and she didn't win the music competition. And she's a musician, dammit. I bet she was personally insulted by that one. The only thing she's good at is sneaking into Bret's bedroom and screwing him in his sleep, and she couldn't even do that on her own. Bitch is getting desperate. If she can't win a damn date with Bret, she's going to have to resort to Larissa/Schatar methods to get others eliminated.
The girls all notice that Bret has laid out some girly-looking football uniforms for them. They change, and they are driven to a random muddy football field. It's time for Bret's First Annual Mud Bowl! I half expect to hear the "Monday Night Football" theme, but no. They've cued up "I Want Action" by Poison (of course).
At this point, Jes has also noticed that she hasn't won a competition yet, either. But unlike Lacey, she's not bitching about it. Phone sex, motocross and the music--not her thing. (And if I were Bret, I'd be taking notice of that.) Football, however, is.
The girls are split up in two teams: the Fallen Angels (another Poison song reference) consisting of Lacey, Heather, Erin and Sam...and the Sweethearts consisting of Jes, Magdalena, Brandi and Mia. Bret is QB for both teams, Big John is the ref, and Rodney Scott is coaching. Whoever wins the game gets a group date with Bret, and whoever wins MVP gets a special one-on-one date with Bret. That fire lights up in Lacey's crazy-eyes. SHE WANTS THAT DATE! Jes wants the date, too, but she isn't going batshit crazy about it...or being obvious about it, anyway.
So the girls play some football like...well, like girls. Except for Jes. Magdalena is Polish, so she doesn't have much of a concept of American football. "Football" to her is "soccer," since that's what they call soccer in Europe--"football." Brandi is still hungover and can't play worth a shit. Poor Sam looks like she has no clue what to do, but gives it her all anyway. Heather is like a brick wall and can actually bring something to the game. Then out of nowhere, tiny little Jes TACKLES Lacey, and Lacey falls down like a sack of potatoes. There was an added crunching-noise added in post to play up Lacey's ankle injury from this. Lacey is crying and whining about how her ankle hurts.
Bitch, if you're such a "badass," you'd suck it up and keep playing anyways. Nyah-nyah-nyah. My Lacey-hate increases with each episode.
But since now she can't play and has to be benched...and automatically out of the running for a date with Bret...AGAIN...a member of the Sweethearts has to consequently be benched. They vote for Brandi to be benched, because she's still hungover and still can't play worth a shit. I thought they'd vote Magdalena off because of her lack of American sports knowledge, but amazingly, Maggie (I'm calling her that now) steps up her game and learns quickly.
They all put on their game faces and starts playing dirty. And I mean, literally. Because it IS mud football after all, and they're rolling around in mud, and Bret's got a hard-on that won't quit. (So I'd assume.) At one point, the playing gets so intense that Heather (who likes to run around hald-nekkid after all, since she IS a stripper) gets her pants ripped off of her. And THIS is the true spirit of Mud Bowl, folks! Remember how on "Beavis and Butt-head" Beavis would make the noise of his boner going "B-O-O-O-INNNNGG!!!"? I can picture this sound clip going off in Bret's head.
The winners? The Sweethearts, of course. And Jes is the MVP. The team gets a trophy, and Jes gets a letterman's jacket.
They all return to the bachelor pad and are sore as hell. Crazy Lacey is whining again. It's time for her to start offing some bitches.
Meanwhile, Jes is getting ready for her date. She's nervous. She's still on the fence about Bret, especially after her last serious relationship. Jes SAYS she was cheated on. However...SPOILER ALERT!!...she never broke up with the guy! And this is what gets me, and I'll rant about in another post. In the beginning, the other girls had a major problem with Erin and her hangups about how she was supposed to get married and had broken it off with her fiancée for the sake of doing the show. But Jes never broke up with HER boyfriend. Like I said, more in a seperate rant.
Might I mention that I just don't care for Jes' sleeker, calmed-down "date hair"? I'm sorry, but it looks better when it's big and spikey-ish. Hell, when Jem's off-duty, at least Jerrica Benton's blunt-cut looks stylish.
While Jes is primping, Heather overhears Erin on the phone. Drama-time! Erin is talking to her manager at her job at some place called "The Underground." (I think she's a waitress. I thought she used to work at a Hooters in Illinois.) Apparently, the one and only JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE is coming in tonight. Erin is missing out on her chance to serve him. She's upset. She's a huge fan of his, and she wanted to fuck serve him so badly.
.....You're a fan of Justin Timberlake's, and you would rather be around him, yet you want to be Bret Michaels' girlfriend. Oh no, wait, you're on a show, and you're making an ass of yourself trying to hook up with Bret Michaels. The word of the day, boys and girls, is "starfucker!"
Heather has had it with Erin's shit. And I understand. Erin isn't there for Bret. She's wasting her time, and she's wasting Bret's time. So Heather decides to be a snitch and write a note exposing all of the girls (namely Erin) and to make them look bad. Heather is to "Rock of Love" as Red Oyster was to "Flavor of Love."
Big John escorts Jes to her date with Bret. There's a table set up for two before a stage. Jes sits, and Bret comes out, ready to perform. He realizes that he hasn't gotten a chance to get to know Jes. He also hasn't had one-on-one time with Bitch-n-Whiney...err, Lacey or Mia yet. So what makes Jes so special? Who does she think she is, anyway?...
Yeah. Sorry. Couldn't help it. The lead-up was too tempting.
You know what? I'm going to start calling Lacey "Pizzazz" from now on. The parallels are too hard to miss. That, and I think it'll be down to her and pink-haired Jes in the end.
But I digress. Back to Jem and Riot--oops, Jes and Bret.
He wrote Jes a song because he really likes her and wants to break down that wall she has up around her. The song is called "All I Ever Needed." Frankly, it sounds like he just wrote new lyrics to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." They have their little date and it looks like it goes well.
The next day, Bret gets Heather's letter, and he's in a fowl mood. He was annoyed after the ex-fiancée brouhaha, and now this. He pulls Heather to the side, visibly upset (with HER? Never!). He doesn't know what to do about Erin at this point.
Let's face it...let's be brutally honest. Bret knows he's no spring chicken, and it's not 1988 anymore. He's....(oh God, I hate to say it)...going through a...mid-life crisis. At least that's what I'm gathering what it looks like. He's in his mid-forties, he's living a comfortable lifestyle and reaping the fruits of his labor, he has two daughters...and he's lonely! (Despite all of the groupies,) Bret Michaels is lonely, and he just wants someone who will love him for who he is--aging hipster/rockstar with receding hairline, insulin shots, what he looks like first thing in the morning, and all.
Funny story...and it was a coincidence how I happened to see this the night before this episode aired. Saturday night, I couldn't sleep, so I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself watching this documentary on IFC called The Decline of Western Civilization Pt. 2: The Metal Years, that was filmed in 1988. Amongst some of the metal-rock stars included in the doc, Poison was interviewed. There was a part about interesting groupie experiences. Rikki Rockett goes on to tell this story about how on the road, one morning when he woke up, he heard all of this screaming and banging on the walls in Bret's room next to his. Rikki got concerned, so he got up and exited his room, and went to check to see what was going on in Bret's room. The groupie in question just bolted out of the room as soon as he opened the door. Turned out she saw what Bret looked like first thing in the morning and majorly freaked out.
I laughed thinking, "This is what those 'Rock of Love' girls have to look forward to!" And I realized that this is the probably the hell that is Bret's life. He just wants someone who will love him despite all of his baggage.
And really...don't we all relate?
God, I wish they end up doing a "Rock of Love 2."
Anyhoo.......Bret takes Maggie, M.I.A. (*hee hee* Get it?!) and Brandi for their date. Bret's pissed, and he needs to...I don't know, shoot something. Guess what, girls?! We're going to a GUN RANGE! Perfect date material!
It turns out that Magdalena is an eagle-eye. Um...how do we know she's not a Polish spy? I half expect her to say in that deep voice of hers, "Hello, Mr. Bond." Magdalena scares me.
During lunch, Bret is still pissed about the Erin/Heather situation, and he's asking Maggie, Brandi and Mia for their thoughts about Erin. And seriously? This scene bugs the SHIT out of me. He can't just drop the Erin/Heather bullshit and enjoy the date. He's already been out on a date with Brandi, two dates with Magdalena...and NONE with poor Mia. He's doing nothing to try to get to know Mia better. If he's not feeling a connection with Mia at this point, he should just let her go. He's already done it with other women. Mia is (unfortunately) just filler, and needs to be eliminated. BUT NOT THIS WEEK! This is either Heather or Erin's last week.
Mia, Mag and Brandi don't think too highly of Heather, either. They point out the obvious to Bret; Heather is "nothing but a good time." She's just as much as a starfucker as Erin is. Turns out Heather was trying to score with Vanilla Ice on the "Surreal Life Fame Games." Bret's really agitated now. He's used to makin' the notches in the bedpost, not being a notch.
"I, Bret Michaels, will not be played." HA. Then why'd you agree to do this show?
Those bitches could never love him like I could.
Later on when they get home, Pizzazz corners Bret in his room to talk more smack about Erin. Then Bret tells Pizzazz what he heard about her buddy Heather and Vanilla Ice. Pizzazz gets the crazy-eyes again. Erin and Heather get into it in the phone booth, but that's as far as that goes, just a yelling match. No actual fighting. Pizazz/Lacey hasn't tried to start any fights with them...yet.
Elimination time. NOW Bret is going to start eliminating one-by-one to stretch the show and get ratings. It comes down to Erin and Heather, and....Erin is cut loose. No surprise. Really, she needed to go. Bret wasn't her priority--Justin Timberlake is. Heather needs to go soon, too. But that's "Bret-logic" for you.
More next week!
I call it "Bret-logic." Or "thinking with your dick." Whichever.
After Bret eliminated Rodeo and Brandi C last week, they all toasted with bottled water since Bret was still feeling the effects of his drunken partying the previous night. This night, Bret still isn't feeling too hot, so he retires to bed early (to avoid Crazy Lacey trying to jump his bones again? maybe...) The girls CIVILLY hang out a bit. I know--a shocker! Brandi M spits out her water and starts drinking some more.
I'm going to just drop the "M" and call her Brandi now, since Brandi C has been eliminated. There's only one Brandi in the house now; no need to distinguish her Spice Girls'style. But Bret has affectionately nicknamed her "BB" anyway. (Why didn't he give ALL of the girls their own nicknames like Flava Flav did?)
BTW...anyone watch the Roast of Flava Flav on Comedy Central last night? Good stuff. Back to "Rock of Love."
The next morning, Brandi wakes up all hungover from drinking too much. (And we all called TIFFANY at the beginning a lush!) Crazy Lacey is bitching and moaning that she hasn't won a single competition yet. I mean, what's up with that?! She couldn't cut the mustard with the phone sex, she made herself look like an ass on the motocross track, and she didn't win the music competition. And she's a musician, dammit. I bet she was personally insulted by that one. The only thing she's good at is sneaking into Bret's bedroom and screwing him in his sleep, and she couldn't even do that on her own. Bitch is getting desperate. If she can't win a damn date with Bret, she's going to have to resort to Larissa/Schatar methods to get others eliminated.
The girls all notice that Bret has laid out some girly-looking football uniforms for them. They change, and they are driven to a random muddy football field. It's time for Bret's First Annual Mud Bowl! I half expect to hear the "Monday Night Football" theme, but no. They've cued up "I Want Action" by Poison (of course).
At this point, Jes has also noticed that she hasn't won a competition yet, either. But unlike Lacey, she's not bitching about it. Phone sex, motocross and the music--not her thing. (And if I were Bret, I'd be taking notice of that.) Football, however, is.
The girls are split up in two teams: the Fallen Angels (another Poison song reference) consisting of Lacey, Heather, Erin and Sam...and the Sweethearts consisting of Jes, Magdalena, Brandi and Mia. Bret is QB for both teams, Big John is the ref, and Rodney Scott is coaching. Whoever wins the game gets a group date with Bret, and whoever wins MVP gets a special one-on-one date with Bret. That fire lights up in Lacey's crazy-eyes. SHE WANTS THAT DATE! Jes wants the date, too, but she isn't going batshit crazy about it...or being obvious about it, anyway.
So the girls play some football like...well, like girls. Except for Jes. Magdalena is Polish, so she doesn't have much of a concept of American football. "Football" to her is "soccer," since that's what they call soccer in Europe--"football." Brandi is still hungover and can't play worth a shit. Poor Sam looks like she has no clue what to do, but gives it her all anyway. Heather is like a brick wall and can actually bring something to the game. Then out of nowhere, tiny little Jes TACKLES Lacey, and Lacey falls down like a sack of potatoes. There was an added crunching-noise added in post to play up Lacey's ankle injury from this. Lacey is crying and whining about how her ankle hurts.
Bitch, if you're such a "badass," you'd suck it up and keep playing anyways. Nyah-nyah-nyah. My Lacey-hate increases with each episode.
But since now she can't play and has to be benched...and automatically out of the running for a date with Bret...AGAIN...a member of the Sweethearts has to consequently be benched. They vote for Brandi to be benched, because she's still hungover and still can't play worth a shit. I thought they'd vote Magdalena off because of her lack of American sports knowledge, but amazingly, Maggie (I'm calling her that now) steps up her game and learns quickly.
They all put on their game faces and starts playing dirty. And I mean, literally. Because it IS mud football after all, and they're rolling around in mud, and Bret's got a hard-on that won't quit. (So I'd assume.) At one point, the playing gets so intense that Heather (who likes to run around hald-nekkid after all, since she IS a stripper) gets her pants ripped off of her. And THIS is the true spirit of Mud Bowl, folks! Remember how on "Beavis and Butt-head" Beavis would make the noise of his boner going "B-O-O-O-INNNNGG!!!"? I can picture this sound clip going off in Bret's head.
The winners? The Sweethearts, of course. And Jes is the MVP. The team gets a trophy, and Jes gets a letterman's jacket.
They all return to the bachelor pad and are sore as hell. Crazy Lacey is whining again. It's time for her to start offing some bitches.
Meanwhile, Jes is getting ready for her date. She's nervous. She's still on the fence about Bret, especially after her last serious relationship. Jes SAYS she was cheated on. However...SPOILER ALERT!!...she never broke up with the guy! And this is what gets me, and I'll rant about in another post. In the beginning, the other girls had a major problem with Erin and her hangups about how she was supposed to get married and had broken it off with her fiancée for the sake of doing the show. But Jes never broke up with HER boyfriend. Like I said, more in a seperate rant.
Might I mention that I just don't care for Jes' sleeker, calmed-down "date hair"? I'm sorry, but it looks better when it's big and spikey-ish. Hell, when Jem's off-duty, at least Jerrica Benton's blunt-cut looks stylish.
While Jes is primping, Heather overhears Erin on the phone. Drama-time! Erin is talking to her manager at her job at some place called "The Underground." (I think she's a waitress. I thought she used to work at a Hooters in Illinois.) Apparently, the one and only JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE is coming in tonight. Erin is missing out on her chance to serve him. She's upset. She's a huge fan of his, and she wanted to fuck serve him so badly.
.....You're a fan of Justin Timberlake's, and you would rather be around him, yet you want to be Bret Michaels' girlfriend. Oh no, wait, you're on a show, and you're making an ass of yourself trying to hook up with Bret Michaels. The word of the day, boys and girls, is "starfucker!"
Heather has had it with Erin's shit. And I understand. Erin isn't there for Bret. She's wasting her time, and she's wasting Bret's time. So Heather decides to be a snitch and write a note exposing all of the girls (namely Erin) and to make them look bad. Heather is to "Rock of Love" as Red Oyster was to "Flavor of Love."
Big John escorts Jes to her date with Bret. There's a table set up for two before a stage. Jes sits, and Bret comes out, ready to perform. He realizes that he hasn't gotten a chance to get to know Jes. He also hasn't had one-on-one time with Bitch-n-Whiney...err, Lacey or Mia yet. So what makes Jes so special? Who does she think she is, anyway?...
Click to viewYeah. Sorry. Couldn't help it. The lead-up was too tempting.
You know what? I'm going to start calling Lacey "Pizzazz" from now on. The parallels are too hard to miss. That, and I think it'll be down to her and pink-haired Jes in the end.
But I digress. Back to Jem and Riot--oops, Jes and Bret.
He wrote Jes a song because he really likes her and wants to break down that wall she has up around her. The song is called "All I Ever Needed." Frankly, it sounds like he just wrote new lyrics to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." They have their little date and it looks like it goes well.
The next day, Bret gets Heather's letter, and he's in a fowl mood. He was annoyed after the ex-fiancée brouhaha, and now this. He pulls Heather to the side, visibly upset (with HER? Never!). He doesn't know what to do about Erin at this point.
Let's face it...let's be brutally honest. Bret knows he's no spring chicken, and it's not 1988 anymore. He's....(oh God, I hate to say it)...going through a...mid-life crisis. At least that's what I'm gathering what it looks like. He's in his mid-forties, he's living a comfortable lifestyle and reaping the fruits of his labor, he has two daughters...and he's lonely! (Despite all of the groupies,) Bret Michaels is lonely, and he just wants someone who will love him for who he is--aging hipster/rockstar with receding hairline, insulin shots, what he looks like first thing in the morning, and all.
Funny story...and it was a coincidence how I happened to see this the night before this episode aired. Saturday night, I couldn't sleep, so I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself watching this documentary on IFC called The Decline of Western Civilization Pt. 2: The Metal Years, that was filmed in 1988. Amongst some of the metal-rock stars included in the doc, Poison was interviewed. There was a part about interesting groupie experiences. Rikki Rockett goes on to tell this story about how on the road, one morning when he woke up, he heard all of this screaming and banging on the walls in Bret's room next to his. Rikki got concerned, so he got up and exited his room, and went to check to see what was going on in Bret's room. The groupie in question just bolted out of the room as soon as he opened the door. Turned out she saw what Bret looked like first thing in the morning and majorly freaked out.
I laughed thinking, "This is what those 'Rock of Love' girls have to look forward to!" And I realized that this is the probably the hell that is Bret's life. He just wants someone who will love him despite all of his baggage.
And really...don't we all relate?
God, I wish they end up doing a "Rock of Love 2."
Anyhoo.......Bret takes Maggie, M.I.A. (*hee hee* Get it?!) and Brandi for their date. Bret's pissed, and he needs to...I don't know, shoot something. Guess what, girls?! We're going to a GUN RANGE! Perfect date material!
It turns out that Magdalena is an eagle-eye. Um...how do we know she's not a Polish spy? I half expect her to say in that deep voice of hers, "Hello, Mr. Bond." Magdalena scares me.
During lunch, Bret is still pissed about the Erin/Heather situation, and he's asking Maggie, Brandi and Mia for their thoughts about Erin. And seriously? This scene bugs the SHIT out of me. He can't just drop the Erin/Heather bullshit and enjoy the date. He's already been out on a date with Brandi, two dates with Magdalena...and NONE with poor Mia. He's doing nothing to try to get to know Mia better. If he's not feeling a connection with Mia at this point, he should just let her go. He's already done it with other women. Mia is (unfortunately) just filler, and needs to be eliminated. BUT NOT THIS WEEK! This is either Heather or Erin's last week.
Mia, Mag and Brandi don't think too highly of Heather, either. They point out the obvious to Bret; Heather is "nothing but a good time." She's just as much as a starfucker as Erin is. Turns out Heather was trying to score with Vanilla Ice on the "Surreal Life Fame Games." Bret's really agitated now. He's used to makin' the notches in the bedpost, not being a notch.
"I, Bret Michaels, will not be played." HA. Then why'd you agree to do this show?
Those bitches could never love him like I could.
Later on when they get home, Pizzazz corners Bret in his room to talk more smack about Erin. Then Bret tells Pizzazz what he heard about her buddy Heather and Vanilla Ice. Pizzazz gets the crazy-eyes again. Erin and Heather get into it in the phone booth, but that's as far as that goes, just a yelling match. No actual fighting. Pizazz/Lacey hasn't tried to start any fights with them...yet.
Elimination time. NOW Bret is going to start eliminating one-by-one to stretch the show and get ratings. It comes down to Erin and Heather, and....Erin is cut loose. No surprise. Really, she needed to go. Bret wasn't her priority--Justin Timberlake is. Heather needs to go soon, too. But that's "Bret-logic" for you.
More next week!