fic: Canvas (1/4)
A distraction was what he needed, what he was in a desperate need for. Something, just something, but lately it had all started to feel dull and useless.
Unlike some people might expect from an idol, when Kamenashi Kazuya came home from a busy day of promoting interviews for the upcoming single the band he had been in for years at good and bad times, his life was not perfect or desirable. In his mind it was more like the dull average, and the helplessness he felt at his oh-so-glorious job wasn’t really much of a difference.
He shook the rain droplets from his umbrella, left it simply lying against the wall next to the shelf he had preserved for just as many shoes as he could possibly afford, pulled his wet shoes and socks off, discarding them to the floor messily as he strolled in with no particular interest for the rest of the night.
“Hey Ran-chan,” he greeted his tail-wagging and attention-seeking companion and picked her up, stroking her head absent-mindedly, not really feeling as enthusiastic as his dog. The dog sniffed his face and he sighed as he tried to keep it at a slight distance.
“Pushy,” he petted the dog as he walked in the kitchen. “Are you hungry? Are you hungry Ran-chan? Has there been enough water for the day?”
The day had been longer than it was supposed to be. There had been some technical issues with the sound and first all the sounds had been somehow distorted so that it had been really painful to listen to. After several hours of technicians struggling with the problem, two cups of steaming lemon grass tea and endless apologetic bows from the person in charge everything had to be taken all over again - an hour or so later. It was more than a double-shift. And he was supposed to be working on his solo…
Kame fed Ran-chan before strolling to his bed. Nine o’clock. And despite everything, it wasn’t even that late.
After another hour of lying on his bed with his face buried to the pillow with his regular clothes and the make-up from the interview unwashed, the hands of the clock ticking painfully and Ran-chan, after finishing her dinner, curled up beside him to sleep and he still found couldn’t sleep.
He turned to his side startling Ran and making her wince miserably but quiet down quickly from the petting he gave for her neck.
“I really should sleep,” he whispered for the dog miserably as he stroked her. The dog got up and walked over to his face, whining as she laid her head next to his, eyeing him worryingly with her round eyes.
“But I can’t, Ran,” he answered the dog, ceasing to care a shit about the fact that he was talking to a dog who hardly even understood him, let alone really cared much about his inability to sleep. “I feel so tired, yet…”
Alright, he was done with it. He sat up and strolled to the kitchen to grab an apple, his appetite slowly waking up. He often forgot to eat after not properly eating in over twelve hours. It made him forget about his appetite. Brilliant. And people could stop worrying, it wasn’t like he was purposefully starving himself. Not eating for some stupid decision not to eat and not eating because he simply didn’t feel like it or remember it were two completely different things.
He picked up his paintbrush with the apple in his mouth and set out a canvas and paints, closing the door so Ran-chan couldn’t follow him in the room. The last thing he needed was a midnight visit for a veterinarian and hearing that his dog, the only person (dog or not, she was a person, she better be) who made him not only waste his life away (not that he wasn’t doing exactly that) was going to die thanks to his paints. Not particularly a humorous thought, no.
Usually he first set some music playing in the background while he painted to lighten up the mood but today he didn’t really feel like it. Fuck the music, it was bound to only annoy him further.
After fifteen minutes of struggling with what he even felt like drawing, he finally snapped.
“FUCK IT ALL!” he screamed, not bothering to care about his reputation or poor, sleeping neighbours one bit in his furious and desperate fit. He grabbed a big brush, the biggest one he owned, and half-laughed and half-cried hysterically as he gave the painting just what it was begging for - a completely black canvas.
He sat down to the floor and tried to wipe his tears away as he stared up at it, still shaking with miserable laughter. God, he was pathetic. Pathetic as he watched the stupid, stupid black canvas and tried to wipe his face, only getting black pain in his face.
“Congratulations, Kamenashi Kazuya, for wasting a stupid, pointless canvas,” he congratulated himself with a tired clap. “Best you can do, right.”
He didn’t bother cleaning up after himself, only dropping the brush in a glass filled with water, strolled to the bathroom to finally shower and back to the bed where Ran-chan was looking at him with wide and cautious eyes. He pulled on a T-shirt and baggy trousers before dropping to the bed again.
“I’m tired, Ran,” he talked to his dog again, pulling tissues from the cabinet of his nightstand just simply on it. Better access. “I’m just so tired. I’m sorry.”
The dog whimpered again as she walked over to him and lied down beside him, wanting to be petted.
Kame didn’t bother with the blanket as he kept stroking her, waiting for sleep.
Not exactly how people expected an idol to live.
--
Next morning he overslept and ran around the house, thanking god for bothering to shower during the night and not leaving it for the morning. Ran-chan was walking in his feet, making things even harder for him and wailing.
“I’ll call Yamapi to walk you, okay?” he begged for the dog as he washed her water cup and added fresh water before setting it down. “I’m sorry, I can’t make it now, I just can’t. You’ll have to wait for him, it can’t take more than a few hours. Be a good girl, okay? Please?” he begged, not having the time to even scratch her behind her ear as he ran back to the bedroom to throw some decent jeans and t-shirt on and then back to the hallway to pull his boots and a rather-warm jacket on.
After running for five minutes, he remembered he forgot his mobile phone and had to run all the way back to fetch it, fearing he was about to collapse any second.
When he made it to work, he thought he shouldn’t have been surprised to hear they were going to spend the first three hours practicing and working on their dance for the PV shooting.
--
“How are you doing, Kame?” Koki asked him as he set a bottle of energy drink before him, making him jump slightly. “You don’t look so good.”
“I’ve had trouble sleeping. Probably from the work stress and all,” he tried smiling back at his friend who sat beside him and opened the cap from the bottle.
“Drink, I bought it for you,” he encouraged him and all Kame could do was smile at him thankfully and genuinely before taking a couple of long sips. He sighed and threw his head back, relaxing a bit.
“Ah, I can really feel my brains starting to work again,” he wailed. “This is magic.”
“Not magic, just caffeine, taurine and guarana. And an awful lot of sugar and calories, figured you don’t really need the light version,” he laughed, trying to cheer him up. Kame shoved him as he took another sip.
“Don’t try to make me fat. They measured me today for the PV clothing, I can’t dare not to fit in them,” he noted. Koki shrugged and grabbed the bottle from him for a sip for himself. Kame followed the way his Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed.
“They can’t hang on you either,” he encouraged him. “Eat proper dinner. You hardly ate during lunch. We don’t want you scaring away the fans by turning into a skeleton, do we? Not a smart move when we’re trying to get to the top.”
“I knooow,” Kame whined. “Stop being a mother hen and stroll out already. I’m working.”
Koki smirked at him. “Go to home before ten o’clock. Then we have a deal.”
“Fine,” Kame agreed and took another sip from the bottle, putting his earphones back on. “I feel a lot more energized now to finish my job sooner.”
“Picking out the song?” Koki asked him. “Anything striking yet?”
“Listened to all of them three times. Can’t really relate,” he complained. “They’re all some sappy love songs and I have to pick before Friday… I think I need to edit the lyrics again.”
“Or get a little love in your life,” Koki chirped. “Really, you look like you need it.”
“Don’t bother with my love life,” Kame complained. “Seriously. Don’t bother.”
“Whatever you say,” Koki shrugged. “Or you could try to give a different image of yourself to the public. I don’t get sappy suggestions. When you meddle with the lyrics they work just fine. Make U wet, baby,
you say, ‘Give me some more’ chouhatsuteki~”
Kame shook his head as Koki danced out of the room and decided to keep his image whatever it was if that was the other possibility he had.
He doesn’t manage to pick a song that day.
--
He made a mental note to schedule a time with a doctor to get some medication for his poor sleeping as he walked home passing by a pharmacy. Wearing sunglasses during the dark wasn’t really easy, but at least he managed to make it back home without any unnecessary meetings with enthusiastic fans. He doubted he had the energy.
“I’m home, Ran-chan,” he called out as he stepped back in. “I heard Yamapi walked you an hour ago too. I’m sorry, I’ll do it tomorrow, I was just so busy again…”
Yeah. Busy doing nothing in particular. At least when you observed the results.
And there it was again. The helplessness. Kame removed his shoes and considered getting an aspirin for the headache. In the end he didn’t bother as he fed Ran-chan and gave her a couple of treats and kisses before leaving her to the rest of the house and stepping in the living room area alone. He hadn’t cleaned up the paint yet after all, so…
He crashed to the couch and turned the TV on, changing quickly away from the news. He had enough issues himself to mind about the rest of the world.
He settled for some sappy, romantic comedy and sighed. Oh yeah, he was supposed to eat something…
Before Kame could get up from the couch he froze as he watched the black painting a couple of metres away. He rubbed his eyes and tried to remember if he had taken the aspirin or not and if it could have any side effects.
“I think I’ve finally gone mad,” he told himself as he got up on his feet and strolled over to the painting to look at a sleeping figure that was certainly not black. And even worse, it appeared to be breathing.
The paint should be dry by now. Kame laid his index finger on the figure’s side and its eyes cracked open.
“Ah!” it exclaimed, looking all ruffled up and sleepy as it sat up, revealing a man in his twenties, hair black and curly, his fringe all over the place from sleeping. “Ah, you’re home! Totally missed you!” it went on as it yawned, tried to rub its eyes quickly and stumbled on its feet, straightening its white T-shirt with some black printing and pulling its baggy jeans better up. “Hello, I’m Jin!”
Kame winced. This was it. If anyone would ever find out about this he was going to a mental institution. No buts.
“What’s your name?” the little (about 15 centimetres tall or so) man asked him with a wide and slightly shy smile. “Come on, I told you mine!”
“I’ve lost it,” Kame groaned and sat on the armrest of his couch, the movie still playing on the TV. Jin gritted his teeth and let out a wary noise.
“Ah, a denial case again,” he whimpered. “I knew I was getting spoiled with the last one… No, you haven’t lost it. I doubt that was your name,” he continued. “I’m here to cheer you up! Just say Jin. Really.”
“Well, you certainly didn’t cheer me up,” Kame complained. “So go away. If you want to cheer me up.”
“HEY!” the little mad crossed his arms. “It’s not like this is my choice! Do you always talk to people like that? I’ll listen to you,” he offered. “I’m really good at this cheering up thing. Reaally good!”
Good? His headache was getting worse if something.
“I’m… happy,” he tried. “Seriously. I have everything. Go and mind about someone else.”
“No, you’re depressed,” the little man pressed. “And it doesn’t really work like that. If you want to get rid of me, we need to get you over that. Can you just say your name already, I’m starting to feel stupid in here…”
That could explain it. Everyone probably started going to the shrink at that point and worked really hard if not for else then to at least get rid of the little Japanese man jumping in his painting…
“Kame,” he answered. “Just say Kame.”
“Fine, if you want to change that later then you can,” Jin shrugged. “Kame is a little… clumsy codename, don’t you think? It’s cute, yes, but…”
“It’s not a codename, it’s a nickname,” Kame snapped at the little creature. Brilliant. His depression was starting to dangerously grow into frustration and anger. Did it count as improvement? It didn’t really amuse him.
Jin blushed and bit its (no, his) lip awkwardly. “Ah, I didn’t know. So Kame it is. It’s cute, really.”
“That reaction isn’t any better,” Kame complained miserably and let himself fall from the armrest to lie on the couch. …And was he talking to a painting? No, seriously, just no… If he would ever say in an interview that he came home to talk to the little man in his painting…
He groaned. It couldn’t be happening. He had to have fallen asleep. Had to.
He pinched himself. Hurt. Then he checked the clock in the TV where the sappy movie was still going on with some sort of wedding fight, turned his eyes away and back. Hadn’t changed.
He was definitely awake.
Damn it.
“Why are you here?” he asked the figure in the painting tiredly and the man fidgeted nervously, scratching his eyebrow as he thought about it.
“I kind of go around,” he shrugged. “You know. From one painting to another. When people are depressed. And then I make a lot of friends all over the world that I’ll never see again but it’s okay because I made them happy,” he noted with a little smile playing on his lips. “I’m just here to serve. And now I’m serving you. Thank god you’re Japanese, I once ended up in China, it was a bit awkward… There was this grumpy teen-aged boy and we seriously had some communicating issues, I had to stick around for half a year! And once I was in Los Angeles but that went by pretty quickly, the girl had a little too much fun laughing at my bad English,” he winced. “Jennifer was so mean! But I learned a lot.”
It was all just a bit too much. Kame sighed.
“So… so… how’s your life?” Jin tried hopefully. “Shoot me?”
“Can’t really shoot you, can I… Can I?” Kame asked curiously and sat up. “What if I destroy the painting?”
Jin bit his lip. “Please don’t do that,” he pleaded. “I… please don’t.”
“…Okay,” Kame answered, feeling ashamed of his question. Would it kill the little man? He didn’t really want to be responsible for killing anyone… was it an imaginary man in his painting or not. Ah.
“…I don’t really like talking about anything,” he apologized for the little man. “I’m sorry.” And why was he apologizing… If anyone would see him now…
“Ah, then… then I’ll just be here to cheer you up!” Jin exclaimed. “It’s okay! It’s totally okay!”
Too enthusiastic…
“How old are you? What do you do for work?” Jin asked curiously as he sat down again. It was a bit weird seeing him sit and stand up like that on the black canvas without really a floor. “I’m twenty-two!”
“Oh, so you have an age…” Kame mumbled curiously as he leaned to the armrest curiously. “I’m twenty-one. And I… never mind my profession,” he shook his head. “Have you always been in the painting? How do you know your age?”
“I do know my age!” the little man pouted. “I’m not retarded.”
Kame laughed. Of course not.
And for the first time in a long time he noticed how genuinely amused he is. Jin smiled at him.
He forgets to eat dinner.
--
Next morning he woke up early to pull his clothes on and started the day with a walk with Ran-chan. The dog happily bounced around and sniffed everything (and everyone) on their half-an hour walk around the city. Kame was one who preferred to walk in the quieter districts.
“Come on,” he mumbled as he tried to get the dog to the elevator. “I have work, we can’t stay for longer.”
Ran-chan howled miserably and tried to pull her leash. Kame sighed.
“We can’t. Come on…” he tried and walked after her, only giving her more leash and accidentally letting her escape further.
“Ran!” he yelled, starting to grow annoyed. “Here!”
The dog spun around miserably and tried to pull the leash.
“Here, girl,” Kame tried again and yanked the leash. “Don’t be difficult. Come on, aren’t we friends?”
She barked and the sound echoed loudly in the staircase.
Kame snapped and kept the leash short as he went to pick her up and carried her to the elevator.
“Bad girl!” he yelled at her. “For once when I actually do this with you and you decide to be difficult! You know, I could just as well stop! Let you just stay in the house and wait for me to come back without even calling Yamapi! What do you think about that?” he spitefully threatened as the elevator stopped and a woman in her forties stepped in, giving him a nasty look.
Kame went silent and stumbled out of the elevator as fast as he could, fishing his keys from his pocket and stumbling back in, setting a wincing Ran-chan down and letting her loose from the leash as he closed the door. The dog ran away.
“Ran-chan…” he begged and tried to walk after her. “I didn’t mean it. Come on…”
The dog crawled under his bed. Kame bit his lip and threw the leash on it.
“Fine then!” he snapped again. “Whatever you want! Seriously, whatever you want!”
He grabbed himself a cup of coffee and retired to the living room to drink it, turning the TV on.
“AH! Loud!” the little figure woke up from the painting with a miserable wail. “You could’ve tried waking me up first!”
Oh, so he was still there. Brilliant. He had been hoping the little man would’ve gone away but no, he seemed just the same.
“There’s been a car accident near the station, resulting in a traffic jam-”
Kame groaned. Of course. So the bus was out of the question. Perfect.
He took a bitter sip from his coffee and leaned his head back. Seemed like a perfect day.
Jin sat up, trying to fix his messy hair as he studied Kame quietly. He was grateful. He didn’t really feel like yelling at anyone anymore. It always made him miserable and regretful.
He sniffed as he thought of Ran-chan and took another sip from his coffee.
“Have you ever tried putting milk in there?” Jin suggested cautiously. “Or sugar? It’s so harsh and bitter black like that…”
So much for quietness. Kame rubbed his eyes and sighed.
“It’s just a coffee. Let it be,” he tried to keep his cool as the conversation turned to politics in the news. He turned it off.
“It really makes it softer!” Jin tried cheerfully. “And sweet. Aren’t you eating anything? You know you get grumpy if you don’t eat… And you’re pretty skinny…”
Great. Now his little painting-person was complaining about his weight and eating habits too. Just what he needed.
“Just a sandwich?” Jin tried with a sweet smile. “Okay?”
“Can’t I just paint your mouth shut?” he snorted, not particularly amused. Jin cried out and shook his head and hands.
“No, no, no! Don’t! You don’t want it, I’m telling you!” he begged and Kame drank the rest of his coffee before standing up.
“It’s not like there’s any non-dry paint left anyway,” he muttered as he walked out of the room. “Fine, I’ll eat a sandwich.”
Jin smiled happily as he sat back down with his legs crossed. Kame stopped for a while to look at him from the doorframe.
“I’m happy,” Jin told him genuinely. Kame rolled his eyes and closed the door.
He didn’t bother going back before leaving for work. Ran-chan didn’t come out from under his bed.
--
“Wilds of my heart, wilds of my heart, wilds of my heart, kikoenai,” they sang with him starting and ending the beginning lines. The advisor stopped them and shook his head.
“Can you put a little more feeling into it, Kamenashi?” he asked him tiredly. “Like you’d really, really want to hear it.”
“Okay,” Kame tried to smirk and Ueda patted his back supportively. It actually set his mood down a little. That people seemed to think he needed it. It wasn’t anything special.
“Kikoenai,” he tried again. His voice faltered a little and he hawked. “Sorry.”
“It’s alright. Try again,” the teacher encouraged him strictly. “You’ve got a killer-voice when you use it right. I have faith in you.”
Faith. He wasn’t doing a particularly good job in getting results then.
“You’ll get it,” he was encouraged again. “Let’s take it from the beginning with everyone.”
Koki took his hand and Kame smiled stupidly at the gesture. Right. Support.
“Wilds of my heart, wilds of my heart, wilds of my heart, kikoenai,” he sang the start again. This time the teacher smiled.
“Knew you could do it,” he winked up at him. “Don’t under-do yourself.”
“I won’t,” Kame laughed a little, feeling exhausted. “I’ll do my best.”
He wished he could.
--
Kame brought the CDs with the alternative suggestions for his solo home with him and tossed them on his bed. Ran-chan was back circling his feet and he smiled gently as he picked her up and scratched her behind her ear.
“I’m really sorry, Ran-chan,” he told the dog with a baby-tone and she licked his lips, making him withdraw and wince. “I guess I’ve been forgiven then. Okay okay, I’ll feed you and then we’ll go for a walk. Okay? That fine with you?” he asked the dog and rubbed their noses affectionately together.
Maybe Ran-chan would be able to give him some form of being-able-to-relate-to-the-songs. Or whatever he needed.
…God, he was so pathetic.
He fed her and strolled to the living room to clean up the paints he had left lying around for the last couple of days. Jin waved at him happily.
“You’re home earlier today!” he noticed happily. “Hey, can you leave the TV on next time? It’s really boring in here. I think I’m overdosing on sleeping.”
“Sure, what do you like,” Kame sighed. Jin shrugged.
“Do you have a music channel?” he asked slowly.
Kame wasn’t too fond of the possibility of Jin seeing himself accidentally on the channel but in the ends decided that he really didn’t care.
“Yeah, okay,” he admitted and turned the TV on, grimacing at the image. “I should’ve guessed Kanjani8 would be on… God, they’re so creepy…”
Jin laughed at the image and pointed at the screen. “Oh my god, their timing with the dance is so off! This is… this is..!”
Kame found himself laughing shortly as well. He remembered laughing at it when it was released and blasting all the time from the music channel. Somehow he found the amusement a bit stronger with a half-crying and screaming Jin than JK-KYT (Koki’s brilliant idea for a band name, apparently short for “Joking kit” with some weird first names’ first letter collectiveness… but really, what could you expect from him and he had been insistent) rolling on the floor. Which was a bit weird.
He wasn’t particularly in the mood for some Jokitting. It was mostly a bit embarrassing. Thank god Kanjani8 existed to take some of the embarrassment away.
“I doubt they’re even really trying with the timing,” he noted at Jin. “They’re a bit… all over the place. As you can see.”
“Well that could explain it. Oh my god, is that weird thing trying to represent tears or something-?!”
Kame snorted as he took his painting utensils away. “I’ll go to take a walk with Ran-chan. You just enjoy music until then, okay?”
“Okay,” Jin agreed. “Thank you!”
And it was a bit funny how he could make someone’s mood shoot up like that only by opening the TV.
Maybe he should watch more TV.
--
Part 2
Unlike some people might expect from an idol, when Kamenashi Kazuya came home from a busy day of promoting interviews for the upcoming single the band he had been in for years at good and bad times, his life was not perfect or desirable. In his mind it was more like the dull average, and the helplessness he felt at his oh-so-glorious job wasn’t really much of a difference.
He shook the rain droplets from his umbrella, left it simply lying against the wall next to the shelf he had preserved for just as many shoes as he could possibly afford, pulled his wet shoes and socks off, discarding them to the floor messily as he strolled in with no particular interest for the rest of the night.
“Hey Ran-chan,” he greeted his tail-wagging and attention-seeking companion and picked her up, stroking her head absent-mindedly, not really feeling as enthusiastic as his dog. The dog sniffed his face and he sighed as he tried to keep it at a slight distance.
“Pushy,” he petted the dog as he walked in the kitchen. “Are you hungry? Are you hungry Ran-chan? Has there been enough water for the day?”
The day had been longer than it was supposed to be. There had been some technical issues with the sound and first all the sounds had been somehow distorted so that it had been really painful to listen to. After several hours of technicians struggling with the problem, two cups of steaming lemon grass tea and endless apologetic bows from the person in charge everything had to be taken all over again - an hour or so later. It was more than a double-shift. And he was supposed to be working on his solo…
Kame fed Ran-chan before strolling to his bed. Nine o’clock. And despite everything, it wasn’t even that late.
After another hour of lying on his bed with his face buried to the pillow with his regular clothes and the make-up from the interview unwashed, the hands of the clock ticking painfully and Ran-chan, after finishing her dinner, curled up beside him to sleep and he still found couldn’t sleep.
He turned to his side startling Ran and making her wince miserably but quiet down quickly from the petting he gave for her neck.
“I really should sleep,” he whispered for the dog miserably as he stroked her. The dog got up and walked over to his face, whining as she laid her head next to his, eyeing him worryingly with her round eyes.
“But I can’t, Ran,” he answered the dog, ceasing to care a shit about the fact that he was talking to a dog who hardly even understood him, let alone really cared much about his inability to sleep. “I feel so tired, yet…”
Alright, he was done with it. He sat up and strolled to the kitchen to grab an apple, his appetite slowly waking up. He often forgot to eat after not properly eating in over twelve hours. It made him forget about his appetite. Brilliant. And people could stop worrying, it wasn’t like he was purposefully starving himself. Not eating for some stupid decision not to eat and not eating because he simply didn’t feel like it or remember it were two completely different things.
He picked up his paintbrush with the apple in his mouth and set out a canvas and paints, closing the door so Ran-chan couldn’t follow him in the room. The last thing he needed was a midnight visit for a veterinarian and hearing that his dog, the only person (dog or not, she was a person, she better be) who made him not only waste his life away (not that he wasn’t doing exactly that) was going to die thanks to his paints. Not particularly a humorous thought, no.
Usually he first set some music playing in the background while he painted to lighten up the mood but today he didn’t really feel like it. Fuck the music, it was bound to only annoy him further.
After fifteen minutes of struggling with what he even felt like drawing, he finally snapped.
“FUCK IT ALL!” he screamed, not bothering to care about his reputation or poor, sleeping neighbours one bit in his furious and desperate fit. He grabbed a big brush, the biggest one he owned, and half-laughed and half-cried hysterically as he gave the painting just what it was begging for - a completely black canvas.
He sat down to the floor and tried to wipe his tears away as he stared up at it, still shaking with miserable laughter. God, he was pathetic. Pathetic as he watched the stupid, stupid black canvas and tried to wipe his face, only getting black pain in his face.
“Congratulations, Kamenashi Kazuya, for wasting a stupid, pointless canvas,” he congratulated himself with a tired clap. “Best you can do, right.”
He didn’t bother cleaning up after himself, only dropping the brush in a glass filled with water, strolled to the bathroom to finally shower and back to the bed where Ran-chan was looking at him with wide and cautious eyes. He pulled on a T-shirt and baggy trousers before dropping to the bed again.
“I’m tired, Ran,” he talked to his dog again, pulling tissues from the cabinet of his nightstand just simply on it. Better access. “I’m just so tired. I’m sorry.”
The dog whimpered again as she walked over to him and lied down beside him, wanting to be petted.
Kame didn’t bother with the blanket as he kept stroking her, waiting for sleep.
Not exactly how people expected an idol to live.
--
Next morning he overslept and ran around the house, thanking god for bothering to shower during the night and not leaving it for the morning. Ran-chan was walking in his feet, making things even harder for him and wailing.
“I’ll call Yamapi to walk you, okay?” he begged for the dog as he washed her water cup and added fresh water before setting it down. “I’m sorry, I can’t make it now, I just can’t. You’ll have to wait for him, it can’t take more than a few hours. Be a good girl, okay? Please?” he begged, not having the time to even scratch her behind her ear as he ran back to the bedroom to throw some decent jeans and t-shirt on and then back to the hallway to pull his boots and a rather-warm jacket on.
After running for five minutes, he remembered he forgot his mobile phone and had to run all the way back to fetch it, fearing he was about to collapse any second.
When he made it to work, he thought he shouldn’t have been surprised to hear they were going to spend the first three hours practicing and working on their dance for the PV shooting.
--
“How are you doing, Kame?” Koki asked him as he set a bottle of energy drink before him, making him jump slightly. “You don’t look so good.”
“I’ve had trouble sleeping. Probably from the work stress and all,” he tried smiling back at his friend who sat beside him and opened the cap from the bottle.
“Drink, I bought it for you,” he encouraged him and all Kame could do was smile at him thankfully and genuinely before taking a couple of long sips. He sighed and threw his head back, relaxing a bit.
“Ah, I can really feel my brains starting to work again,” he wailed. “This is magic.”
“Not magic, just caffeine, taurine and guarana. And an awful lot of sugar and calories, figured you don’t really need the light version,” he laughed, trying to cheer him up. Kame shoved him as he took another sip.
“Don’t try to make me fat. They measured me today for the PV clothing, I can’t dare not to fit in them,” he noted. Koki shrugged and grabbed the bottle from him for a sip for himself. Kame followed the way his Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed.
“They can’t hang on you either,” he encouraged him. “Eat proper dinner. You hardly ate during lunch. We don’t want you scaring away the fans by turning into a skeleton, do we? Not a smart move when we’re trying to get to the top.”
“I knooow,” Kame whined. “Stop being a mother hen and stroll out already. I’m working.”
Koki smirked at him. “Go to home before ten o’clock. Then we have a deal.”
“Fine,” Kame agreed and took another sip from the bottle, putting his earphones back on. “I feel a lot more energized now to finish my job sooner.”
“Picking out the song?” Koki asked him. “Anything striking yet?”
“Listened to all of them three times. Can’t really relate,” he complained. “They’re all some sappy love songs and I have to pick before Friday… I think I need to edit the lyrics again.”
“Or get a little love in your life,” Koki chirped. “Really, you look like you need it.”
“Don’t bother with my love life,” Kame complained. “Seriously. Don’t bother.”
“Whatever you say,” Koki shrugged. “Or you could try to give a different image of yourself to the public. I don’t get sappy suggestions. When you meddle with the lyrics they work just fine. Make U wet, baby,
you say, ‘Give me some more’ chouhatsuteki~”
Kame shook his head as Koki danced out of the room and decided to keep his image whatever it was if that was the other possibility he had.
He doesn’t manage to pick a song that day.
--
He made a mental note to schedule a time with a doctor to get some medication for his poor sleeping as he walked home passing by a pharmacy. Wearing sunglasses during the dark wasn’t really easy, but at least he managed to make it back home without any unnecessary meetings with enthusiastic fans. He doubted he had the energy.
“I’m home, Ran-chan,” he called out as he stepped back in. “I heard Yamapi walked you an hour ago too. I’m sorry, I’ll do it tomorrow, I was just so busy again…”
Yeah. Busy doing nothing in particular. At least when you observed the results.
And there it was again. The helplessness. Kame removed his shoes and considered getting an aspirin for the headache. In the end he didn’t bother as he fed Ran-chan and gave her a couple of treats and kisses before leaving her to the rest of the house and stepping in the living room area alone. He hadn’t cleaned up the paint yet after all, so…
He crashed to the couch and turned the TV on, changing quickly away from the news. He had enough issues himself to mind about the rest of the world.
He settled for some sappy, romantic comedy and sighed. Oh yeah, he was supposed to eat something…
Before Kame could get up from the couch he froze as he watched the black painting a couple of metres away. He rubbed his eyes and tried to remember if he had taken the aspirin or not and if it could have any side effects.
“I think I’ve finally gone mad,” he told himself as he got up on his feet and strolled over to the painting to look at a sleeping figure that was certainly not black. And even worse, it appeared to be breathing.
The paint should be dry by now. Kame laid his index finger on the figure’s side and its eyes cracked open.
“Ah!” it exclaimed, looking all ruffled up and sleepy as it sat up, revealing a man in his twenties, hair black and curly, his fringe all over the place from sleeping. “Ah, you’re home! Totally missed you!” it went on as it yawned, tried to rub its eyes quickly and stumbled on its feet, straightening its white T-shirt with some black printing and pulling its baggy jeans better up. “Hello, I’m Jin!”
Kame winced. This was it. If anyone would ever find out about this he was going to a mental institution. No buts.
“What’s your name?” the little (about 15 centimetres tall or so) man asked him with a wide and slightly shy smile. “Come on, I told you mine!”
“I’ve lost it,” Kame groaned and sat on the armrest of his couch, the movie still playing on the TV. Jin gritted his teeth and let out a wary noise.
“Ah, a denial case again,” he whimpered. “I knew I was getting spoiled with the last one… No, you haven’t lost it. I doubt that was your name,” he continued. “I’m here to cheer you up! Just say Jin. Really.”
“Well, you certainly didn’t cheer me up,” Kame complained. “So go away. If you want to cheer me up.”
“HEY!” the little mad crossed his arms. “It’s not like this is my choice! Do you always talk to people like that? I’ll listen to you,” he offered. “I’m really good at this cheering up thing. Reaally good!”
Good? His headache was getting worse if something.
“I’m… happy,” he tried. “Seriously. I have everything. Go and mind about someone else.”
“No, you’re depressed,” the little man pressed. “And it doesn’t really work like that. If you want to get rid of me, we need to get you over that. Can you just say your name already, I’m starting to feel stupid in here…”
That could explain it. Everyone probably started going to the shrink at that point and worked really hard if not for else then to at least get rid of the little Japanese man jumping in his painting…
“Kame,” he answered. “Just say Kame.”
“Fine, if you want to change that later then you can,” Jin shrugged. “Kame is a little… clumsy codename, don’t you think? It’s cute, yes, but…”
“It’s not a codename, it’s a nickname,” Kame snapped at the little creature. Brilliant. His depression was starting to dangerously grow into frustration and anger. Did it count as improvement? It didn’t really amuse him.
Jin blushed and bit its (no, his) lip awkwardly. “Ah, I didn’t know. So Kame it is. It’s cute, really.”
“That reaction isn’t any better,” Kame complained miserably and let himself fall from the armrest to lie on the couch. …And was he talking to a painting? No, seriously, just no… If he would ever say in an interview that he came home to talk to the little man in his painting…
He groaned. It couldn’t be happening. He had to have fallen asleep. Had to.
He pinched himself. Hurt. Then he checked the clock in the TV where the sappy movie was still going on with some sort of wedding fight, turned his eyes away and back. Hadn’t changed.
He was definitely awake.
Damn it.
“Why are you here?” he asked the figure in the painting tiredly and the man fidgeted nervously, scratching his eyebrow as he thought about it.
“I kind of go around,” he shrugged. “You know. From one painting to another. When people are depressed. And then I make a lot of friends all over the world that I’ll never see again but it’s okay because I made them happy,” he noted with a little smile playing on his lips. “I’m just here to serve. And now I’m serving you. Thank god you’re Japanese, I once ended up in China, it was a bit awkward… There was this grumpy teen-aged boy and we seriously had some communicating issues, I had to stick around for half a year! And once I was in Los Angeles but that went by pretty quickly, the girl had a little too much fun laughing at my bad English,” he winced. “Jennifer was so mean! But I learned a lot.”
It was all just a bit too much. Kame sighed.
“So… so… how’s your life?” Jin tried hopefully. “Shoot me?”
“Can’t really shoot you, can I… Can I?” Kame asked curiously and sat up. “What if I destroy the painting?”
Jin bit his lip. “Please don’t do that,” he pleaded. “I… please don’t.”
“…Okay,” Kame answered, feeling ashamed of his question. Would it kill the little man? He didn’t really want to be responsible for killing anyone… was it an imaginary man in his painting or not. Ah.
“…I don’t really like talking about anything,” he apologized for the little man. “I’m sorry.” And why was he apologizing… If anyone would see him now…
“Ah, then… then I’ll just be here to cheer you up!” Jin exclaimed. “It’s okay! It’s totally okay!”
Too enthusiastic…
“How old are you? What do you do for work?” Jin asked curiously as he sat down again. It was a bit weird seeing him sit and stand up like that on the black canvas without really a floor. “I’m twenty-two!”
“Oh, so you have an age…” Kame mumbled curiously as he leaned to the armrest curiously. “I’m twenty-one. And I… never mind my profession,” he shook his head. “Have you always been in the painting? How do you know your age?”
“I do know my age!” the little man pouted. “I’m not retarded.”
Kame laughed. Of course not.
And for the first time in a long time he noticed how genuinely amused he is. Jin smiled at him.
He forgets to eat dinner.
--
Next morning he woke up early to pull his clothes on and started the day with a walk with Ran-chan. The dog happily bounced around and sniffed everything (and everyone) on their half-an hour walk around the city. Kame was one who preferred to walk in the quieter districts.
“Come on,” he mumbled as he tried to get the dog to the elevator. “I have work, we can’t stay for longer.”
Ran-chan howled miserably and tried to pull her leash. Kame sighed.
“We can’t. Come on…” he tried and walked after her, only giving her more leash and accidentally letting her escape further.
“Ran!” he yelled, starting to grow annoyed. “Here!”
The dog spun around miserably and tried to pull the leash.
“Here, girl,” Kame tried again and yanked the leash. “Don’t be difficult. Come on, aren’t we friends?”
She barked and the sound echoed loudly in the staircase.
Kame snapped and kept the leash short as he went to pick her up and carried her to the elevator.
“Bad girl!” he yelled at her. “For once when I actually do this with you and you decide to be difficult! You know, I could just as well stop! Let you just stay in the house and wait for me to come back without even calling Yamapi! What do you think about that?” he spitefully threatened as the elevator stopped and a woman in her forties stepped in, giving him a nasty look.
Kame went silent and stumbled out of the elevator as fast as he could, fishing his keys from his pocket and stumbling back in, setting a wincing Ran-chan down and letting her loose from the leash as he closed the door. The dog ran away.
“Ran-chan…” he begged and tried to walk after her. “I didn’t mean it. Come on…”
The dog crawled under his bed. Kame bit his lip and threw the leash on it.
“Fine then!” he snapped again. “Whatever you want! Seriously, whatever you want!”
He grabbed himself a cup of coffee and retired to the living room to drink it, turning the TV on.
“AH! Loud!” the little figure woke up from the painting with a miserable wail. “You could’ve tried waking me up first!”
Oh, so he was still there. Brilliant. He had been hoping the little man would’ve gone away but no, he seemed just the same.
“There’s been a car accident near the station, resulting in a traffic jam-”
Kame groaned. Of course. So the bus was out of the question. Perfect.
He took a bitter sip from his coffee and leaned his head back. Seemed like a perfect day.
Jin sat up, trying to fix his messy hair as he studied Kame quietly. He was grateful. He didn’t really feel like yelling at anyone anymore. It always made him miserable and regretful.
He sniffed as he thought of Ran-chan and took another sip from his coffee.
“Have you ever tried putting milk in there?” Jin suggested cautiously. “Or sugar? It’s so harsh and bitter black like that…”
So much for quietness. Kame rubbed his eyes and sighed.
“It’s just a coffee. Let it be,” he tried to keep his cool as the conversation turned to politics in the news. He turned it off.
“It really makes it softer!” Jin tried cheerfully. “And sweet. Aren’t you eating anything? You know you get grumpy if you don’t eat… And you’re pretty skinny…”
Great. Now his little painting-person was complaining about his weight and eating habits too. Just what he needed.
“Just a sandwich?” Jin tried with a sweet smile. “Okay?”
“Can’t I just paint your mouth shut?” he snorted, not particularly amused. Jin cried out and shook his head and hands.
“No, no, no! Don’t! You don’t want it, I’m telling you!” he begged and Kame drank the rest of his coffee before standing up.
“It’s not like there’s any non-dry paint left anyway,” he muttered as he walked out of the room. “Fine, I’ll eat a sandwich.”
Jin smiled happily as he sat back down with his legs crossed. Kame stopped for a while to look at him from the doorframe.
“I’m happy,” Jin told him genuinely. Kame rolled his eyes and closed the door.
He didn’t bother going back before leaving for work. Ran-chan didn’t come out from under his bed.
--
“Wilds of my heart, wilds of my heart, wilds of my heart, kikoenai,” they sang with him starting and ending the beginning lines. The advisor stopped them and shook his head.
“Can you put a little more feeling into it, Kamenashi?” he asked him tiredly. “Like you’d really, really want to hear it.”
“Okay,” Kame tried to smirk and Ueda patted his back supportively. It actually set his mood down a little. That people seemed to think he needed it. It wasn’t anything special.
“Kikoenai,” he tried again. His voice faltered a little and he hawked. “Sorry.”
“It’s alright. Try again,” the teacher encouraged him strictly. “You’ve got a killer-voice when you use it right. I have faith in you.”
Faith. He wasn’t doing a particularly good job in getting results then.
“You’ll get it,” he was encouraged again. “Let’s take it from the beginning with everyone.”
Koki took his hand and Kame smiled stupidly at the gesture. Right. Support.
“Wilds of my heart, wilds of my heart, wilds of my heart, kikoenai,” he sang the start again. This time the teacher smiled.
“Knew you could do it,” he winked up at him. “Don’t under-do yourself.”
“I won’t,” Kame laughed a little, feeling exhausted. “I’ll do my best.”
He wished he could.
--
Kame brought the CDs with the alternative suggestions for his solo home with him and tossed them on his bed. Ran-chan was back circling his feet and he smiled gently as he picked her up and scratched her behind her ear.
“I’m really sorry, Ran-chan,” he told the dog with a baby-tone and she licked his lips, making him withdraw and wince. “I guess I’ve been forgiven then. Okay okay, I’ll feed you and then we’ll go for a walk. Okay? That fine with you?” he asked the dog and rubbed their noses affectionately together.
Maybe Ran-chan would be able to give him some form of being-able-to-relate-to-the-songs. Or whatever he needed.
…God, he was so pathetic.
He fed her and strolled to the living room to clean up the paints he had left lying around for the last couple of days. Jin waved at him happily.
“You’re home earlier today!” he noticed happily. “Hey, can you leave the TV on next time? It’s really boring in here. I think I’m overdosing on sleeping.”
“Sure, what do you like,” Kame sighed. Jin shrugged.
“Do you have a music channel?” he asked slowly.
Kame wasn’t too fond of the possibility of Jin seeing himself accidentally on the channel but in the ends decided that he really didn’t care.
“Yeah, okay,” he admitted and turned the TV on, grimacing at the image. “I should’ve guessed Kanjani8 would be on… God, they’re so creepy…”
Jin laughed at the image and pointed at the screen. “Oh my god, their timing with the dance is so off! This is… this is..!”
Kame found himself laughing shortly as well. He remembered laughing at it when it was released and blasting all the time from the music channel. Somehow he found the amusement a bit stronger with a half-crying and screaming Jin than JK-KYT (Koki’s brilliant idea for a band name, apparently short for “Joking kit” with some weird first names’ first letter collectiveness… but really, what could you expect from him and he had been insistent) rolling on the floor. Which was a bit weird.
He wasn’t particularly in the mood for some Jokitting. It was mostly a bit embarrassing. Thank god Kanjani8 existed to take some of the embarrassment away.
“I doubt they’re even really trying with the timing,” he noted at Jin. “They’re a bit… all over the place. As you can see.”
“Well that could explain it. Oh my god, is that weird thing trying to represent tears or something-?!”
Kame snorted as he took his painting utensils away. “I’ll go to take a walk with Ran-chan. You just enjoy music until then, okay?”
“Okay,” Jin agreed. “Thank you!”
And it was a bit funny how he could make someone’s mood shoot up like that only by opening the TV.
Maybe he should watch more TV.
--
Part 2