Let's Play Homestuck
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Link back to comic: Page 2626
On a world so far from Alternia that the distance lacks any meaning.
[S] A world called Earth...
Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.
Part 1: Contact
You've finally found him, after sweeps of searching.
The worst person in the universe.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.
CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING.
CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.
CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD.
CG: THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN.
CG: ONLY MY HATE.
CG: IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HUMAN THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE.
CG: IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG.
CG: SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER.
CG: IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU.
EB: hi karkat!
CG: WHAT
EB: oh man.
EB: this is it, isn't it?
EB: this is the first conversation between us, from your perspective.
EB: right?
CG: ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE'VE SPOKEN BEFORE.
EB: yeah, lots of times!
EB: actually...
EB: i should introduce myself properly.
EB: hi karkat, i am john!
CG: JOHN, WHY WOULD I GIVE A PUNGENT WHIPPING LUMPSQUIRT WHAT YOUR NAME IS.
EB: because we are buddies!
EB: you decide to keep talking to me backwards through my adventure.
EB: and then when you are done with that you come back and talk to me more recently on the timeline for a while.
EB: you talk to my friends a whole bunch too.
EB: you and your alternian troll buddies help me and my earth human buddies hatch a plan!
CG: I KNOW WHEN I AM BEING TROLLED, WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO HERE.
CG: WHY WOULD I TROLL YOU BACKWARDS? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.
CG: AND WHY WOULD I HELP YOU AND YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS?
CG: I WOULD JUST BE HELPING YOU BLUNDER DOWN THE PATH THAT ENDS WITH YOU OPENING THE RIFT LIKE A BUNCH OF MORONS.
EB: you yourself said it was the only hope now.
CG: I DO NOT THINK YOU APPRECIATE THE GRAVITY OF MY ANTIPATHY, JOHN HUMAN.
EB: egbert.
CG: OK, HUMAN EGBERT.
CG: I FUCKING LOATHE YOU, AND I HAVE TUNED INTO YOUR CHANNEL MOMENTS BEFORE THE ERADICATION OF YOUR TIMELINE AND THAT SMUG LOOK ON YOUR FACE, WITH JUST ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO BASICALLY COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROY YOU WITH HOSTILE RHETORIC.
CG: I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID I WAS YOUR GOD, LIKE THAT WASN'T JUST A LOT OF BRAVADO AND USELESS PISSING AROUND.
CG: I AM LITERALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EXISTENCE.
CG: WE BEAT THE GAME YOU ARE PLAYING AND CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE.
CG: WE WERE GOING TO ENTER YOUR UNIVERSE AND RULE OVER IT.
CG: LIKE TYRANTS.
CG: BUT THEN WE COULDN'T CLAIM OUR PRIZE BECAUSE OF THAT MONSTROSITY YOU SPRUNG ON US.
EB: none of this is news to me, karkat!
EB: but to be quite honest, it doesn't sound like your intentions were all that great.
EB: anyway, hey!
EB: i thought this was supposed to be the conversation where you do all that AMAAAAAZING TROLLING!
EB: come on bro, flame me!
EB: i have been really excited about this.
CG: YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO TROLL YOU?
CG: IT'S KIND OF WEIRD YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT IT, IS THAT NORMAL FOR YOUR RACE?
EB: i just think it's kind of funny when you do it.
CG: THAT'S REALLY CONDESCENDING AND IT'S HARD TO CONVEY HOW MUCH MORE I JUST GOT PISSED OFF THAN I ALREADY WAS.
CG: IT MIGHT MEAN THAT I'M RIGHT ABOUT YOU.
CG: IT SEEMS LIKE WE ARE CONNECTED IN SOME WAY, DON'T YOU THINK JOHN.
CG: LIKE OUR HATE FOR EACH OTHER IS SO STRONG IT MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN THE STARS.
EB: wait...
EB: are you saying that we are kisme-whatevers?
CG: WHAT, NO.
CG: WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, THAT WOULD BE SUCH A BRAZEN SOLICITATION.
CG: IT'S INSULTING.
CG: I MEAN
CG: OK I'M NOT SAYING I'M RULING OUT THE IDEA OR ANYTHING.
CG: LIKE IF LATER OVER TIME YOU STARTED REALLY HATING ME MORE
CG: LIKE REALLY GOT TO KNOW ME AND FOUND OUT ABOUT HOW MUCH THERE WAS TO HATE
EB: er...
CG: FUCK WHAT AM I BABBLING ABOUT.
CG: THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, WE JUST MET FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CG: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
EB: well...
EB: i just didn't really have any idea that you had any sort of feelings like that, so i am kind of caught off guard.
EB: it is just that, uh...
EB: i am not a homosexual.
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
EB: it is like, when a boy likes another boy.
EB: or i guess hates, in this case.
CG: HUMANS HAVE A WORD FOR THAT?
CG: HUMAN ROMANCE SURE IS WEIRD.
EB: anyway, i kind of got the impression that you and terezi were a thing.
EB: like, i dunno.
EB: going on weird fight dates and beating the crap out of each other, and being in hate-love or love-hate.
CG: OK FIRST OF ALL, IF THERE WERE A "THING" WITH HER, AND THAT'S A HUGE IF
CG: IT WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT QUADRANT THAN WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT.
CG: SECOND, WHETHER SHE AND I HAVE A THING OR DON'T HAVE A THING, OR TOOK A ROMANTIC HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE SUSPENDED IN A GODDAMN FILIAL PAIL TOGETHER
CG: IT'S DEFINITELY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING EARTH BUSINESS, EGBERT HUMAN JOHN.
EB: ok, sheesh!
EB: this first conversation is not going how i thought it would at all!
EB: it is really kind of...
EB: awkward.
CG: WOW, IT IS
CG: LET'S JUST AGREE TO NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN.
CG: BUT IF I TALK TO YOU AGAIN
CG: IN YOUR FUTURE, LIMITED THOUGH IT IS
CG: YOU'LL REMEMBER MY EMBARRASSING SHIT
CG: SO I GUESS
CG: I'LL HAVE TO TROLL YOU BACKWARDS?
EB: told you bro!!!!!!!
EB: hahahaha.
CG: I THINK WE NEED TO GET BACK ON POINT HERE.
CG: WHICH IS ADDRESSING THE MATTER OF WHAT INCOMPREHENSIBLY PUTRID GARBAGE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE AND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.
CG: PREPARE TO GET YOUR PUNY HUMAN BULGE FLAMED INTO NUCLEAR HATEBLIVION.
CG: WELCOME TO THE TROLLOCAUST. THE PAINSTAKING GENOCIDE OF YOUR FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM WILL BE MY SWAN SONG.
EB: oh boy, this sounds great.
EB: but...
EB: we're out of time!
EB: i have to go put this plan into motion.
CG: OH I SEE, TAKING THE COWARD'S WAY OUT.
CG: SCAMPERING OFF TO GET ANNIHILATED BY A DEADLY RIFT, HOW CONVENIENT.
CG: WELL FINE, SAYONARA YOU WORTHLESS CROTCHSTAINED BARFPUPPET.
CG: I WILL BID YOU ONE FIRST AND FINAL FUCK YOU.
CG: FUCK YOU, JOHN EGBERT.
CG: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE JOKE BOOK YOU RODE IN ON.
EB: :D
EB: see you soon!
CG: WAIT
CG: WHAT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.
CGC: WH4T DO YOU GUYS TH1NK 4BOUT K4RK4TS N3W PL4N
CGC: TO TROLL TH3S3 K1DS
CGC: P3RSON4LLY 1 TH1NK H3 H4S F1N4LLY SN4PP3D 4ND 1T DO3SNT M4K3 4NY S3NS3
CGC: 1 F1GUR3D M4YB3 W3 COULD T4LK 4BOUT 1T H3R3 1N S3CR3T WH1L3 H3 ST4NDS OV3R TH3R3 M4K1NG H1S BOR1NG 1NSP1R4T1ON4L SP33CH
CGC: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 H3S STOPP3D BOTH3R1NG TO 1NV4D3 P4RTYTOWN, H3 H4S L34RN3D H1S L3SSON >:]
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 7 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG: YOU THINK I STOPPED KEEPING TABS ON YOUR VAPID, SEDITIOUS BULLSHIT???
PCG: THINK A FUCKING GAIN.
CGC banned PCG from responding to memo.
CGC: TH3 TOP1C 1S NOW OP3N FOR 4RGUM3NT4T1ON
CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY Y13LDS TH3 FLOOR W1TH 4 M1GHTY B4NG OF H3R G4V3L*
CGC: B4NG B4NG B4NG!
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG2] 5 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG2: ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED.
PCG2: I CAN PLAINLY SEE YOU ARE GOING TO START WRITING THIS MEMO IN FIVE MINUTES.
CGC banned PCG2 from responding to memo.
CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY 3XPR3SS3S D1SD41NFUL Y3T 4UTHOR4T1V3 1NT3R3ST 1N OTH3R OP1N1ONS ON TH3 STUP1D3ST PL4N 3V3R CONC31V3D*
CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAC: :33 < i dont s33 why karkat has to always be banned from these memos!
CAC: :33 < what if i talk to him in the past and told him he could post here as long as he was not purrticularly disagr33able?
CAC: :33 < thats a good idea! brb
CGC: OH GOD!
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG3] 10 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG3: THANK YOU NEPETA, FOR ALERTING ME TO THE PRESENCE OF YET MORE OF THIS TAWDRY ROLEPLAY-INFESTED CLOAK AND DAGGER RUBBISH.
CGC banned PCG3 from responding to memo.
CGC: *TH3 D1ST1NGU1SH3D POUNC3LLOR R3C31V3S 4 HUNDR3D B1LL1ON RUMPUS D3M3R1TS FOR 1NV1T1NG UNCOUTH R4BBL3 1NTO H3R ORD3RLY BLOCK*
CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTA: ii already told KK what ii thought about thii2 awful iidea.
CTA: you all can troll the2e iincompetent aliien2 all you want, iit won't change anythiing.
CGC: TH3 M4G1STR4T3 FROM TH3 D3L1C1OUS 4PPL3B3RRY JUR1SD1CT1ON M4K3S 4N 3XC3LL3NT PO1NT 4BOUT TH3 OV3R4LL SH1TT1N3SS OF TH3 PROPOS1T1ON
CTA: ii don't get why you're RP'iing about thii2, iit doe2n't make 2en2e, you're all out of your fuckiing 2ponge2.
CGC banned CTA from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned CTA from responding to memo.
CGC: OK SORRY 4BOUT TH4T
CGC: THOLLLLUUUUUUXXXXTHHHH
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG4] 4 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG4: ALL I'M ASKING YOU TO DO IS HASSLE SOME ALIENS, GOD.
PCG4: AFTER ALL THOSE TIMES I SAVED YOUR LIFE YOU THINK YOU COULD DO ME ONE LITTLE SOLID.
CGC: UUUGH
CGC banned PCG4 from responding to memo.
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: i will n0t be participating
CAA ceased responding to memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG5] 3 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG5: OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW.
PCG5: THAT'S IT GUYS, THE PLAN IS CANCELED.
PCG5: ARADIA ISN'T GOING TO MOPE AT THESE LOSERS FOR US, THE WHOLE PLAN HINGED ON THAT.
CGC banned PCG5 from responding to memo.
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCC: I still don't quite understand t)(e plan eit)(er.
CCC: I mean, I don't really mind talking to t)(em! It could be fun and t)(ey look interesting.
CCC: Can't we say nice t)(ings to t)(em instead of troll t)(em?
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG6] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG6: NO, FUCK.
PCG6: YOU ARE COMPLETELY MISSING THE GLUBBING POINT, FISH PRINCESS.
CGC banned PCG6 from responding to memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG7] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG7: HEY TEREZI I'M ABOUT TO MAKE THIS AWESOME SPEECH AND INSPIRE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU GUYS.
PCG7: WHEN I'M DONE I'M COMING OVER TO YOUR STATION AND THEN YOUR ASS IS MINE.
CGC banned PCG7 from responding to memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG8] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
CGC banned PCG8 from responding to memo.
PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC] 410 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PTC: YeAh iM NoT FoLlOwInG ThIs mOtHeRfUcKiN PlAn uP At aLl
CGC: G4MZ33 TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 W33KS 1N TH3 FUTUR3
PTC: WeLl mOtHeR FuCk i gUeSs
PTC: HoNk :o)
CGC: LKSD;GDKNLN
CGC: ASDM SDFSFD9W30
PTC: wHoA
CGC: K4RK4T IS M4SHING MY K3YBOSDVFDNFLBLGBGSDGFSB['A
CGC: AKJFA
CGC: 4444UGH H3 1S SUCH 4 L1TTL3SDKJGBSDJKBG
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC ubanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC ubanned herself from responding to memo.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: OH NOW WHAT'S UP???????????
CGC: GOD D4MM1T H3 LOGG3D ON TO MY COMPURO3IHHGRNVNFSDKS'SD
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC ubanned herself from responding to memo.
CCG: WHY ARE YOU BANNING YOURSELF TEREZI????
CCG: PRETTY FUCKING MENTAL IF YOU ASK ME.
CCG: REALLY FUCKED UP OF YOFDIHFNGNJKGLJS
CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CCG ubanned himself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC ubanned herself from responding to memo.
CCG: FUCK OW GOD DAMFFJKSNFBGB
CGC: 1 4M GO1NG TO SH4RP3N YOUR STUP1D LOOK1NG NUBBY HORNS 1N YOUR SL33P!!!
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
CAG: Do you guys realize you are sharing a key8oard and taking turns to argue with each other?
CAG: That is kind of cute. ::::)
CTA: yeah ii hate to 2ay iit, but iit really 2ort of ii2.
CCG: OK FUCK THIS.
CCG banned CAG from responding to memo.
CCG banned PTC from responding to memo.
CCG banned CCC from responding to memo.
CCG banned CAA from responding to memo.
CCG banned CTA from responding to memo.
CCG banned CAC from responding to memo.
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned CGC from responding to memo.
CCG: YOU C4N'T B4N M3 FROM MY OWN M3MO!
CCG: WHOOPS >:[
CGC: YOU C4N'T B4N M3 FROM MY OWN M3MO!
CGC: LOOKS LIKE I JUST DID.
CGC: SHIT. D:B
CCG: LOOKS LIKE I JUST DID.
CGC: F1N3 1 W1LL JUST SHUT TH3 M3MO DOWN
CGC: SO YOU W1LL G3T TH3 H3LL OUT OF H3R3!
CCG: FINE, I'M GONE.
CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CGC: UUUUUUUUUUUGH
CCG closed memo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's time to manipul8 this worthless human.
No effect! Maybe you can't manipulate across sessions. Or species.
OR MAYBE YOU AREN'T TRYING HARD ENOUGH.
You are dreaming.
Some rabbit covered in crazy weapons has started following you around.
Hey, look! It's your dad!
You try harder.
NEXT CHAPTER: Getting to know Spidertroll.
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