Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 1: The Note Desolation Plays
Part 1: Birthday Wishes
Link back to comic: Page 1
So! Let's begin by introducing our first and most important character.
But first, he needs a name!
Not that name.
(This gag will be repeated for many characters. I think once is enough to get the idea.)
John Egbert
Interests: Really terrible movies, computer programming, paranormal lore, games, pranks
Surely much adventure awaits for our hero, but there are some things to take care of first.
John needs some arms.
He already has arms, smartass!
But, being kind of obsessed with wacky magic trick nonsense, he now has a bonus set of fake arms, as procured from his magic chest.
Arms retrieved! But, since Homestuck's world runs mostly on over the top videogame nonsense rules, John cannot merely take the arms. No, he must CAPTCHALOGUE them in his SYLLADEX.
What do these things mean? It shall become apparent. Let's get some more items!
The SYLLADEX is Homestuck's (mostly) universal inventory system! Items collected are stored as cards in the Sylladex, and can only be used or retrieved in specific ways, based on that character's MODUS. This will cause a lot of antics early on, but mostly be ignored later.
More on that in a bit. Let's take a look around!
It's a note from John's father! Today is his 13th birthday. So much awesome loot is waiting to be obtained, there is no doubt. Starting with that poster!
With the fifth item picked up, the lowdown on John's FETCH MODUS is revealed: The Stack Modus!
In John's Sylladex, only the leftmost card is accessible - anything else can only be produced by feeding in items until the deck is full, causing the last item to be spat back out.
Some inventory antics later, the poster (A poster for the movie Little Monsters) is attached to the wall, to stand proud along all of John's other terrible movie posters.
Especially this one.
BUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.
I SAID PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.
WHY COULDN'T YOU PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX?
While scoping the walls, we find another excuse for exposition! How fortuitous.
Today is 4/13. 4/10 was the date when you were supposed to get the highly anticipated SBURB BETA, but it still hasn't arrived. What's the holdup???
But enough fooling around! By which I mean, time to continue fooling around. Somebody's IMing you, John.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --
TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today
EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.
TG: did you get the beta yet
EB: no.
EB: did you?
TG: man i got two copies already
TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring
TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro????
EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.
TG: yeah
TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now
EB: alright.
Outside!
The red flag thingy on the mailbox is up. That might mean your beta disc is here at last!
...dang. Dad got to it first.
We'll postpone dealing with that in the interest of avoiding an intense clash with the man.
TG's got more to say already! Geez. Well, it's an excuse to not go downstairs for a bit longer.
TG: is it there
TG: plz say yes
TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it
TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her
TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything
EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.
TG: thank you
EB: jk haha.
EB: no, i don't have it yet.
EB: and i've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex.
TG: whats your modus
EB: one at a time i guess. and if i put too much in, something falls out.
TG: stack?? hahahahahaha
EB: what is yours?
TG: hash map
TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome
TG: did you at least allocate your strife specibus
TG: what have you got
EB: well, i've got a hammer but it's trapped under some arms.
TG: wow you really suck at this dont you
More ridiculous inventory shenanigans!
The STRIFE SPECIBUS is basically the kind of weapon that a character can wield. Once set, it's permanent, but it IS possible for someone to have more than one Specibus.
John has selected HAMMERKIND, meaning that he can stick hammers in there and wield them to beat the crap out of enemies. Not that there are any enemies around.
Enough unimportant things. Let's read up on this SBURB thing!
GAME BRO doesn't seem to think very highly of the mysterious SBURB, but GAME BRO is a shitty magazine.
Who is this mysterious Bro???? We'll find out later.
Inventory management antics.
Now we have a foolproof way of sneaking past dad!
This is the downstairs! There's all sorts of weird clown-themed art everywhere, because your dad thinks you like it for some reason. The ominous smell of baking comes from the kitchen.
You are so goddamn sick of baked goods. Betty Crocker is your arch nemesis.
The saloon doors lead to the kitchen. The urn on the fireplace contains your nanna's ashes.
In the middle of the room is an enormous present. I bet something totally awesome and non-disappointing is inside!
Oh hell no.
While going back upstairs to grab some stuff, we get a glimpse of the other two walls of this room! More terrible movie posters.
Looks like someone's pestering you again. Is it TG?
It is not!
TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.
EB: that's an ugly rumor.
EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar.
EB: and you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever.
TT: I can't control myself.
TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks.
EB: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it.
EB: i'm trying to go get it from him, so brb
TT: John.
EB: what?
TT: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you?
TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous.
EB: no, why would you even think that??
EB: that's so stupid.
TT: Ok.
TT: Why don't you go get the game from your father?
EB: alright, wish me luck.
EB: oh, btw...
EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time.
EB: gotcha! hehehehe
TT: I know, John.
OK, no more delaying it! You have to confront your father to get that beta. Let's find him!
He is not in his study!
On the desk, though, is a bunch of his stuff. He is a ridiculous prankster, much like you, hence the cards and other such magic trick tomfoolery.
And look, a captchalogue card! We could use the upgrade--
INVENTORY MANAGEMENT BULLSHIT.
Okay, let's deal with all possibilities before dealing with a dad encounter. Maybe the beta's still out there!
The mail is empty. Dad must have gotten to it.
The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.
It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.
"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman
Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.
[S] You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.
(Links to animations with sound will always be preceded by [S].)
NEXT CHAPTER: Get that beta!
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