Chuck Fic: The Choices We Make 5/?
Title: The Choices We Make 5/?
Pairings: Casey/Chuck and Chuck/Sarah
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 5,000 for this chapter
Warnings: Angst! Also, includes adult situtions and violence.
Beta: ru_salki99 :D
Disclaimers: Characters are sadly not mine *sniff*
Feedback: Yes, please.
Previous: 1, 2, 3, 4
Training started, and it wasn’t what Chuck had expected. It felt very little like spy training, and everything like the physical training in those men’s magazines that he had ignored for so long. He figured that Sarah and Casey had to know what they were doing, though, so he remained quiet.
The first day had nearly killed him. As a lifelong nerd, he was used to the short ‘run for your life’ excursions, but endurance, it turned out, was a bitch. Sarah had warned him to take it easy at first, but no, he hadn’t listened. He just had to try to impress. After about ten minutes, he had stopped, dropped down on someone’s lawn, and chugged down an entire bottle of water in one go. He then glanced up at them, daring them to make him move, like some two year old throwing a tantrum. It wasn’t his best moment. Casey had just dragged him back up by his t-shirt, shoved his own bottle at him and kept pushing him in the back until he was running again.
They had gone much slower after that. Still, the run felt like it had gone on forever.
When they had returned to the courtyard, Chuck had stumbled over to the fountain, collapsed down on to the pavement and stuck his head into the ‘not nearly as cool as he was hoping for’ water. When he had surfaced, his face dripping with water, he noticed that Casey was staring at him with an amused expression. The man then shook his head and just started to walk away.
“Where are you going?” Chuck asked dumbly.
“To bathe as most people do, inside. Though your way explains a lot.”
Chuck gaped. “What the hell does that mean?” He looked over to Sarah, who was just standing there, covering her month and laughing. Chuck sniffed his clothing and regretted the choice. He had just run, god knows how many miles, so mistake didn’t even begin to cover it. Still, Casey was not implying that he smelled. Right?
The next day he had shown up, determined not to make the same mistakes again. He never got the chance. That day, they told him, was weight training day. They walked into Casey’s apartment and into a side room that Chuck had never seen before.
Casey’s apartment, which had two floors, was double the size of the one he shared with Ellie and Awesome. Once you added in all of Casey’s little ‘extras,’ you had one hell of a house, and he had yet to even see the second floor. Who knew what someone like Casey would have up there?
“How does anyone believe you have this house on a Buy More salary?”
Casey huffed. “Inheritance. Plus a pension for serving in our great and mighty military.” He leaned in with a sneer. “Not that anyone but you has asked. You see, my book club members keep their noses to themselves.”
“Right,” he dragged out, getting the picture that Casey thought him stupid. Of course, no one but him and Sarah had seen the inside of this place and anyone who did come in would just see a nice stylish home.
The room they were in was fully matted. Most of the area was clear, but for one corner that had a mass of contraptions, all of which Chuck recalled from his school days. Torture machines, the whole lot. Along one wall was a stand filled with rows of barbells, and next to that was an old fashioned steamer trunk. Nearby, a mirror half the size of the room covered the wall. As the image of Casey working out flashed into his mind, he blushed and turned away, only to be greeted with an eyeful of the man himself. So that was how Casey stayed in shape.
As he stared at Casey's muscled form through his too- tight t-shirt, Chuck just bit his lip and closed his eyes. Some tortures were far worse then others. He was now ready to start focusing on those contraptions -- anything to keep his mind from going to where it was traveling.
That day they showed him his routine. They explained to him that ideally the weight training and running would be combined into one daily workout, with him just changing which muscle groups he used daily. They gave him one week to get used to both, before doing just that. Chuck had thought he had entered some strange new hell when he had been ‘blessed’ with that advancement. He just wanted to go back to the days when the only muscles he used were the ones required to play Call of Duty.
But Sarah said he was doing well. Chuck felt pride at her compliments, craved them and even, at times, showed off a bit to get them.
Casey said nothing. He was distant these days. Chuck was certain he had done something to upset the man, but nothing came to mind. He was certain that Casey hadn’t figured out his ‘little secret.’ He just didn’t seem himself, though.
Or maybe it was just that Chuck was paying more attention to Casey these days. That one night, lying in bed and fantasizing about Casey, touching himself as he did so, had been enough to convince himself that his feelings were sincere. He wanted him, maybe even loved him, but at the moment he wasn’t so sure if he even knew what love was.
While he could accept being attracted to both men and women, he couldn’t accept being in love with two people at the same time. It went against everything he viewed love to be. So he searched himself. Which was the real thing, if either? Did it matter? Casey was off limits anyway.
Still, his mind kept going back to the man and Sarah too. They both were now the stars of his little fantasies. One night he had even felt adventurous and tried to fantasize about being with them both. It hadn’t worked. He had just been left with a headache. He decided he was a simple guy, who at the end of the day just wanted one person in his bed. So as far as his daydreams went, the two would have to take turns.
Not that his fantasies of the two were anything alike. They were so different Chuck didn’t even know where to start. Sarah was the slow strip. She was airy kisses and satin and lace. She was looks of longing through half closed eyelids. Sarah played his perfect little sex kitten.
Casey was aggression. He was a hot tryst against the wall. Dirty words whispered in his ear. He was hands groping and tongues entwining. It was hard, it was passionate, it was consuming.
What they both were, though, was love. In Chuck’s fantasies, they both loved him. Sarah always told him so. It was a sweet admission between soft kisses. Casey rarely told him, but it was in his every action. Each touch and each glance burned with it and sometimes, just sometimes, he’d tell Chuck so in a rough whisper.
Out of the haze of indulgence Chuck felt an odd guilt over thinking about and desiring both.
Morgan was his one constant during these weeks. Now that he was indeed the only one in on Chuck's secret, he wanted to talk about it… a lot. The first time Morgan had tried to talk to him about it in his room, Chuck had nearly jumped on top of him to shut him up. Morgan didn’t get that his room was likely the least private place in the universe and there was no way he could tell him. Still, he had gotten Morgan to agree, much to his confusion, to only talk about this when they were not in his room. The Buy More was bugged, but still was a hell lot more private then his bedroom was.
Unfortunately, Morgan managed to fulfill every bad stereotype of a best friend trying to deal with his friend's coming out. He made the lame jokes, asked him what he thought when the girls at the store thought some guy was a ‘hottie,’ and then there were the articles. Though, Chuck supposed, the articles were uniquely Morgan.
The first time Morgan had given him one, he had nearly choked to death with the shock. All printed up from the internet, it was a ‘helpful’ article dealing with being confused over one's sexuality.
Chuck hadn’t known what to say other than, “Why?”
“Because you’re a Stanford man, a brain. I figured you’d want to do research.”
Chuck figured that made sense somewhere in Morgan’s brain, so he had accepted it with a strained smile and a ‘thanks’.
Morgan had glowed at his reaction. “No problem, buddy. You’ve always helped me, and now it’s time for me to help you.”
In the following weeks many other articles followed in Morgan’s quest to be helpful, none of which solved any of his problems over Casey and Sarah.
~*~
Where the hell where they?
Casey darted through the hallway of yet another office building on yet another mission gone wrong. He wondered if missions had been this disastrous, terrifying and exciting before Chuck had come along. It didn’t matter, he supposed, they almost always got the job done. But this one was being a particular bitch.
Last he had seen of them, Chuck was being dragged off by two of the target’s lackeys. It didn’t matter that they were only lackeys, they were mean-as-fuck lackeys and he didn’t like the idea of Chuck in their grasp. Walker had been right on their heels and dodging the bullets that were coming her way.
Casey had taken it upon himself to chase after the target, and, more importantly, the information they were here for. Taking care of his problem with a few scary threats and punches, the man revealed the location of the important intel they were after. This man, Miller, was nothing without the protection he paid so highly for.
He debated a moment on whether to try to bring the man in for further questioning, but this was supposed to be a clean ‘gather and get out’ mission. They weren’t about to get any help in dealing with this situation. Officially, they weren’t even supposed to be here. Knowing he could either stay here and ‘play guard the prisoner’ or track down his team, he made his choice. Grabbing the man by the face, he looked him in the eyes and questioned him one last time, making sure the words he had spoken were the truth. Deciding they were, he got up from his crouch and ended the problem with an efficient bullet to the head. He then headed back to help Walker with her end of the problem. To make sure Chuck was safe.
Entering yet another hallway, he released a small puff of air in relief. One of the lackeys was down. The man was lying on his face, in a pool of his own blood. Casey smiled at what that meant. One down, one to go. Odds were now in his and Walker’s favor.
Stepping over the body, Casey looked into the room it was nearby. He stopped.
Chuck… Walker. They were both on the ground, their arms around one another. The body of the other lackey lay dead nearby. Chuck was whispering to her, as she stoked his face. Leaning in, Chuck gave her a kiss. As their lips touched, Casey stood there frozen. The burn of jealousy coursed through his body. This was payment for his falling for Chuck. This was payment for everything bad he had ever done. He stood there accepting his punishment; accepting the way his heart pounded and his gut ached.
That was until the kiss deepened and Chuck groaned in response. Without him meaning to, a pained sound escaped his lips. They broke apart, both looking at him wide eyed and shocked. Pushing Chuck away, Walker quickly rose. Lips open, Chuck looked up towards her, before his sad eyes went to him. As Chuck’s hurt and confused eyes turned back to Walker, Casey knew what had been started. He was burning with jealousy and it would never go out.
~*~
The next day, they met in the courtyard as nothing had happened. Sarah was strangely late and Casey stood there, completely ignoring him, other then saying that Walker had ten minutes to get her pampered ass here or they were starting without her.
Chuck was certain that Casey was angry with him and Sarah for what happened the night before. He had never commented on it, but it had been obvious in his expression. When Sarah had tried to explain, he had just thrown his hand up at her and walked out of the room. It had taken a few moments, but he had popped his head back in telling them to get a move on. He had the info they needed and they were just wasting time now. He started to leave again and they had quickly followed. The ride back had been deadly silent.
Chuck wasn’t sure why Casey had been so furious, but he did suppose what they had done had been irresponsible, given what a dangerous situation they had been in. Chuck had just been horribly embarrassed that he had been caught kissing one love interest by the other. After the initial episode, Sarah seemed to be ignoring the whole situation together. When Chuck had asked to talk to her about it afterwards, she had greeted the request with silence and now she was late.
Chuck was humming with impatience when she finally arrived.
“Alright, let’s get going!” Sarah said brightly with a smile. As if today were like any other, she bent down to start her stretches.
“This is bullshit.”
She stopped and stood back up straight. “Casey-“
“No. We’re wasting our time! And I’m not just talking about you being late, Walker.”
“He’s doing fine,” she warned.
“Yeah, when the Boston marathon comes up he’ll be more then ready, but until then…”
Chuck flinched at the hardness in Casey’s tone. “I’m trying my best.”
The sigh Casey gave the only indication that he had heard him. He walked up to Sarah and spoke to her in a harsh, but low voice. “What happened the last night could have been avoided if we had been training him right.”
“We don’t know that. It could have made things worse, it could have made no difference at all. It’s better not to push him into a life he can’t handle it.”
Chuck’s jaw hardened at her words.
He was about to object when Casey spat out, “He’s going to end up dead and it will be our fault.”
“Stop saying that!” Chuck’s head spun with the anger he was feeling at both of them.
“See, you're freaking him out.”
As one of their neighbors poked their head out through their window, Casey pushed them both towards his door. “This is not the place or time for this. My fault, but I just want to say, I’m telling it like it is, Walker and it's time you do the same!”
There was an uncharacteristic pleading expression in Casey’s eyes. Sarah took a step back. Her head was tilted, eyes blazing with confusion as she studied him. Chuck realized that she didn’t seem to understand what was going through Casey’s mind anymore than he did.
Chuck forced himself into Casey’s field of vision. “What the hell is going on? Not only have you two been at each other's throats, you guys have been hiding something from me, and I want to know what.”
“It’s nothing you have to worry about, Chuck.”
“No, now. I’m tried tired of both of you.”
Casey narrowed his eyes. “You want answers?”
As Walker said ‘no’, he said, “Yes!”
“Are you ready to be accountable for knowing those answers?”
Sarah clicked her tongue and turned away in frustration.
Chuck paused before answering, “Yes.”
“Tonight. Come over and I’ll give you your answers. I’m not doing this here. We’ve got work in an hour and the last thing a conversation like this needs is to be rushed.”
Chuck let out a breath. “Alright, tonight.” He looked over to Walker who was now giving him the cold shoulder. He turned his attention back to Casey, who licking his lower lip and gazing at him in a curious manner.
Casey blinked suddenly before ending the conversation, “Fine, it’s time to get our asses moving. We should at least do something productive this morning.”
~*~
There was far too much on Chuck’s mind all day. The scene in the courtyard kept playing over and over in his head. It was the graphic car wreck or embarrassing moment you just couldn’t stop picturing. And no matter how much as he tried to figure those two out, nothing came from it. Casey and Sarah had both been acting strangely for nearly three weeks now. Since the incident, he realized. He had allowed his confused feelings and guilt to get in the way of this fact and this morning, it had come back to bite him in the ass. Big time. At least, now he was getting some answers.
Still, as much as that all bugged him, Sarah’s avoidance of what happened the night before kept creeping back. He felt as though if he got some answer out of her and knew where they stood, he could place the Casey ‘thing’ behind him and face whatever lay ahead, tonight, with a clear focus.
It was with that mission in mind that Chuck went over to Sarah’s after work. He’d get his answers from Casey. Hell, he could even demand them from Sarah, but now he needed answers of another sort from her. The sort he searched for were of a more intimate nature. His life was such a mess these days. First, the incident and his falling for Casey, then their great secret and now the kiss Sarah was choosing to ignore. He had had enough.
Taking a deep breath, he knocked. As she opened the door, the breath hissed out in defeat. Any less clothing and she would be naked. Great, he thought. Like he needed another distraction. Sometimes, he swore she did this on purpose.
Focusing his eyes a bit over her head so he wouldn’t gawk, he asked, “Can we talk?”
She arched her eyebrow. “You’ve already talked to Casey?”
“Not yet. But that is not why I’m here. I wanted to talk to you first.”
“Come in.” Chuck could hear the reluctance in her tone, but she stepped aside.
Chuck sat down and watched as Sarah slipped into her bedroom. It took a moment, but when she returned she was wearing a robe.
“The other night-” he started.
“Chuck-” She warned.
“No, look, Sarah. I’m tired of this. It keeps happening and we never really deal with it.” He sighed and shook his head. “I’m crazy about you. I want you. You know that. I think I’m in love with you.”
“Think?”
Chuck pursed his lips in annoyance. “It’s hard to tell when it never gets beyond a kiss here or there. I want a relationship, a real one.” Feeling a rant coming on he told himself to focus. “I don’t want to fight. I just need to know you want this too. If you do, I’ll wait.”
“That’d not be fair, to either of us.”
“But it would be worth it, right?”
When Sarah didn’t reply, Chuck’s heart sank. He decided to give it one last try anyway. “Is anything ever going to happen between us or not? I need to know right now.”
Sarah made a sour face. “You know it’s complicated.”
“You always say that. I’m starting to think it’s never going to be less complicated. Yes or no? Please?” he begged. Biting his lip, he waited for the answer.
“No.”
Chuck felt shocked. The tone was harsh and cold and he just hadn’t expected that answer. “Ever?” he squeaked.
As her eyes darted about the room, they burned, not with anger, but pain. Chuck thought she was going to say no, that they’d find a way to be together. Instead, she said, “Ever.”
With his month gaping slightly, Chuck slowly got up, feeling numb. Two and half years and it had come down to this.
“Look, Chuck-”
Chuck stopped. He turned to find a panicked look in her eyes, before it disappeared again to be replaced by a detached jaded expression. “Never mind. Just know we can’t, okay?”
Got it, his mind screamed. Neither said another word as he walked out the door.
~*~
Hearing a knock, he looked up at the security feed. Chuck. He had expected him before now, but he supposed better late then never. Opening the door, he moved aside, and without the word, let Chuck in.
Chuck plopped down on the couch, looking depressed.
“Someone beat your top score at… Pac Man?” he finished lamely. He needed to update his videogame knowledge if he was ever going to be with… but no, that was never going to happen.
Chuck glared up at him. There was a weariness there that gave him a beaten down appearance. What ever was bothering him was serious.
Casey went into the kitchen. He eyed the hard liquor, considering the scotch, but decided against it. He wanted Chuck’s mind focused when he told him the ‘news’. Instead he went over to the fridge and grabbed two beers, opening them. Going back in, he handed one to Chuck before sitting down in his chair.
“Want to talk about it?”
“No.” Chuck took a good long sip of his beer and pouted a bit more.
“Fair enough.”
Casey even wasn’t sure he even wanted to hear what Chuck had to say. It didn’t take much to figure out that this was over his little ‘coo fest’ with Walker the night before.
There were a few moments of silence before Chuck leaned forward, the bottle hanging lazily between both hands. “Just tell me.”
Casey sighed and rubbed his forehead. Chuck was being straight forward for once. He’d be the same. “Look at what happened last night.”
“Just part of the mission. Hell, I’ve been dragged off so many times now that I expect it.”
Casey narrowed his eyes. “You need to take what we do more seriously.”
Chuck was quiet, like he didn’t know what to say. Casey watched as he sat back and ran a finger over the rim of the bottle. Chuck’s eyes were glued to his action like it was the most fascinating occurrence on the planet.
He went on, “Have you ever wondered what would happen to you when they got a new Intersect?”
“I’d go back to my old life, I guess”
Naive. So much trust. It saddened Casey to break it. “If you were the government, would you let all your most guarded secrets walk around, unwatched? Even old ones?”
“No, but I have-”
“No, you don’t. You don’t have Walker. You don’t have me.” Casey flinched at the flash of extreme pain that entered Chuck’s dark eyes. Still, he went on, “If you were the government, would you waste the people’s tax dollars storing old secrets… for life? No.” He leaned forward, looking deep into the boy’s eyes, making sure he’d understand. “Even secrets on paper meet a paper shedder sometime, Chuck.”
“Are you saying…?” His eyes went wide and he quickly stood up. “You’ve got to be kidding me. After everything…”
Casey’s lips went into a firm unpleased line. “I wish I was.”
Chuck sat back down. Casey noticed his hands were practically strangling the beer bottle in his hands. Any tighter and he’d break it. His eyes were still wide, like he was struggling with processing what he had just learned. Casey got up from his chair and joined Chuck on the couch. Feeling uncertain he reached out and gently squeezed Chuck’s leg to comfort him. Chuck’s eyes darted towards his hand, burning a hole through it. He was about to withdraw his hand when Chuck grabbed it. Casey’s mouth dropped, as did his heart, before he tore his hand away. He swallowed.
“That’s why,” he choked out, at last.
“The training?” Chuck asked. His voice was far more calm then Casey would have imagined.
Casey nodded. “As an agent, you’d be considered less of a risk. You have to do this, Chuck.”
“I don’t have much a choice, do I?”
“You never did.”
“And then what? After I become an agent?”
“You partner with me or Walker. Which ever it is, we’ll ease you in the best we can.”
Much to Casey’s surprise, Chuck gave a harsh short laugh. “The thought of being partners with Sarah at the moment seems worse then death.”
Casey gave him a sad smile. “Spurned you again, did she?”
“Yeah, big time.” He took a swig of his beer like it would make it all better.
Casey tried not to allow the boy’s melodrama to get his hopes up. Chuck and Walker would be back to their old selves in no time and he’d still be what he always was, the third wheel. “You’re the asset, plus anyone romancing Walker has the memory of Larkin to deal with. It doesn’t matter that he’s no longer ‘dead’.”
“I’ll work harder. Do whatever you ask,” Chuck said, ignoring his sympathy.
“Good.”
“I know I’m barely better then when I first started all this.”
“That’s not true. You’d make one hell of an agent with some training. You’ve proven that.”
Chuck rolled his eyes.
He watched Chuck closely for his reaction to what he said next. “You just have no self confidence… on any level.” Casey always thought it was kind of sad someone like Chuck thought so little of himself.
Chuck laughed bitterly. “You know, I used to blame Bryce for that… my lack of confidence. It felt like I had lost everything due to him; my education, Jill, my dreams.” He laughed again, “Even my sister’s respect. Looking back now, though, I realize I never had much confidence to begin with. And the little I had cracked under the slightest pressure.”
Casey made a face, like he had a bad taste in his mouth. “It doesn’t make Larkin any less an asshole.”
Chuck huffed and sat back with a scornful smile on his lips. “That it doesn’t.”
Casey always hated Larkin. Reckless, cocky and good looking to boot? They were always a bad mix. He had found some satisfaction in learning he was a traitor and being the one to fire the bullet to take him down. Seeing what he had done to someone he had once considered a friend just made Casey's blood boil all the more. And the fact that that friend was Chuck? Well, it was best not dwell on what he’d do to Larkin if he ever found him alone in a dark corner.
“Are you willing to do what it takes to reach that goal?” he asked, getting back to the point at hand.
“I always was,” Chuck shrugged. “I just didn’t know what you guys wanted from me.”
“Well, Walker and I have had some disagreement about that.”
Casey waited for Chuck to come to her defense. He didn’t.
“I’m not feeling so favorable towards caring what she thinks one way or the other, at the moment,” he said barely above a whisper.
Casey waited for more to come, but once again, Chuck surprised him and went silent.
“Tomorrow, courtyard, 5 am and tomorrow night, straight after work.”
“Fine.”
Chuck got up placing his now empty beer bottle down of the coffee table.
“Stay,” he implored, glancing up. “Have another.” It hadn’t been the most pleasant topic, but he had been enjoying talking to Chuck.
Chuck eyed the kitchen to where Casey had just thumbed towards. “Rain check. I got an early day tomorrow.”
“Right.” Casey nodded. Getting up, he walked him to the door, doing his best not to show his disappointment.
Casey watched on the monitor as Chuck went over to his place and started his nightly routine before bed. It was always the same, but for some reason, Casey enjoyed watching it. Chuck sat on his bed, taking off his tie and unbuttoning his shirt. Next always came the shoes, before he padded off to the bathroom to wash up. Returning, he took off his pants and shirt, dropping them to the floor in front of his bed. Chuck was wearing tightie whities tonight. Casey preferred him in boxers, but when it came to looking, who didn’t?
Next, Chuck went over and flicked the main light off. Climbing into bed, he turned his side light on. That was different… He watched as Chuck picked his Ipod up, off his side table, put the headphones on and started moving his fingers across its screen. Lying back, he started listening to his music.
Casey figured he’d get no more entertainment tonight. He supposed Chuck wasn’t in the mood for what normally came next. It was a shame, because for some reason he was in the mood. Yes, he still felt bad for listening, but some nights, he just couldn’t help himself. It had become some strange type of foreplay for his own sessions. Didn’t matter though. He had an imagination. There, things were far more simple and Chuck did whatever he wanted.
End of chapter 5
Note: No, I’m not making it easy on Chuck and Casey. Sarah is not out of the picture. Just warning you guys. She in this until the end.
Also, there is a slim chance my computer can be fixed. I'll know by next week. Because of this, I'm not even going to start rewriting chapter 6 until I know my computer's fate.
Pairings: Casey/Chuck and Chuck/Sarah
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 5,000 for this chapter
Warnings: Angst! Also, includes adult situtions and violence.
Beta: ru_salki99 :D
Disclaimers: Characters are sadly not mine *sniff*
Feedback: Yes, please.
Previous: 1, 2, 3, 4
Training started, and it wasn’t what Chuck had expected. It felt very little like spy training, and everything like the physical training in those men’s magazines that he had ignored for so long. He figured that Sarah and Casey had to know what they were doing, though, so he remained quiet.
The first day had nearly killed him. As a lifelong nerd, he was used to the short ‘run for your life’ excursions, but endurance, it turned out, was a bitch. Sarah had warned him to take it easy at first, but no, he hadn’t listened. He just had to try to impress. After about ten minutes, he had stopped, dropped down on someone’s lawn, and chugged down an entire bottle of water in one go. He then glanced up at them, daring them to make him move, like some two year old throwing a tantrum. It wasn’t his best moment. Casey had just dragged him back up by his t-shirt, shoved his own bottle at him and kept pushing him in the back until he was running again.
They had gone much slower after that. Still, the run felt like it had gone on forever.
When they had returned to the courtyard, Chuck had stumbled over to the fountain, collapsed down on to the pavement and stuck his head into the ‘not nearly as cool as he was hoping for’ water. When he had surfaced, his face dripping with water, he noticed that Casey was staring at him with an amused expression. The man then shook his head and just started to walk away.
“Where are you going?” Chuck asked dumbly.
“To bathe as most people do, inside. Though your way explains a lot.”
Chuck gaped. “What the hell does that mean?” He looked over to Sarah, who was just standing there, covering her month and laughing. Chuck sniffed his clothing and regretted the choice. He had just run, god knows how many miles, so mistake didn’t even begin to cover it. Still, Casey was not implying that he smelled. Right?
The next day he had shown up, determined not to make the same mistakes again. He never got the chance. That day, they told him, was weight training day. They walked into Casey’s apartment and into a side room that Chuck had never seen before.
Casey’s apartment, which had two floors, was double the size of the one he shared with Ellie and Awesome. Once you added in all of Casey’s little ‘extras,’ you had one hell of a house, and he had yet to even see the second floor. Who knew what someone like Casey would have up there?
“How does anyone believe you have this house on a Buy More salary?”
Casey huffed. “Inheritance. Plus a pension for serving in our great and mighty military.” He leaned in with a sneer. “Not that anyone but you has asked. You see, my book club members keep their noses to themselves.”
“Right,” he dragged out, getting the picture that Casey thought him stupid. Of course, no one but him and Sarah had seen the inside of this place and anyone who did come in would just see a nice stylish home.
The room they were in was fully matted. Most of the area was clear, but for one corner that had a mass of contraptions, all of which Chuck recalled from his school days. Torture machines, the whole lot. Along one wall was a stand filled with rows of barbells, and next to that was an old fashioned steamer trunk. Nearby, a mirror half the size of the room covered the wall. As the image of Casey working out flashed into his mind, he blushed and turned away, only to be greeted with an eyeful of the man himself. So that was how Casey stayed in shape.
As he stared at Casey's muscled form through his too- tight t-shirt, Chuck just bit his lip and closed his eyes. Some tortures were far worse then others. He was now ready to start focusing on those contraptions -- anything to keep his mind from going to where it was traveling.
That day they showed him his routine. They explained to him that ideally the weight training and running would be combined into one daily workout, with him just changing which muscle groups he used daily. They gave him one week to get used to both, before doing just that. Chuck had thought he had entered some strange new hell when he had been ‘blessed’ with that advancement. He just wanted to go back to the days when the only muscles he used were the ones required to play Call of Duty.
But Sarah said he was doing well. Chuck felt pride at her compliments, craved them and even, at times, showed off a bit to get them.
Casey said nothing. He was distant these days. Chuck was certain he had done something to upset the man, but nothing came to mind. He was certain that Casey hadn’t figured out his ‘little secret.’ He just didn’t seem himself, though.
Or maybe it was just that Chuck was paying more attention to Casey these days. That one night, lying in bed and fantasizing about Casey, touching himself as he did so, had been enough to convince himself that his feelings were sincere. He wanted him, maybe even loved him, but at the moment he wasn’t so sure if he even knew what love was.
While he could accept being attracted to both men and women, he couldn’t accept being in love with two people at the same time. It went against everything he viewed love to be. So he searched himself. Which was the real thing, if either? Did it matter? Casey was off limits anyway.
Still, his mind kept going back to the man and Sarah too. They both were now the stars of his little fantasies. One night he had even felt adventurous and tried to fantasize about being with them both. It hadn’t worked. He had just been left with a headache. He decided he was a simple guy, who at the end of the day just wanted one person in his bed. So as far as his daydreams went, the two would have to take turns.
Not that his fantasies of the two were anything alike. They were so different Chuck didn’t even know where to start. Sarah was the slow strip. She was airy kisses and satin and lace. She was looks of longing through half closed eyelids. Sarah played his perfect little sex kitten.
Casey was aggression. He was a hot tryst against the wall. Dirty words whispered in his ear. He was hands groping and tongues entwining. It was hard, it was passionate, it was consuming.
What they both were, though, was love. In Chuck’s fantasies, they both loved him. Sarah always told him so. It was a sweet admission between soft kisses. Casey rarely told him, but it was in his every action. Each touch and each glance burned with it and sometimes, just sometimes, he’d tell Chuck so in a rough whisper.
Out of the haze of indulgence Chuck felt an odd guilt over thinking about and desiring both.
Morgan was his one constant during these weeks. Now that he was indeed the only one in on Chuck's secret, he wanted to talk about it… a lot. The first time Morgan had tried to talk to him about it in his room, Chuck had nearly jumped on top of him to shut him up. Morgan didn’t get that his room was likely the least private place in the universe and there was no way he could tell him. Still, he had gotten Morgan to agree, much to his confusion, to only talk about this when they were not in his room. The Buy More was bugged, but still was a hell lot more private then his bedroom was.
Unfortunately, Morgan managed to fulfill every bad stereotype of a best friend trying to deal with his friend's coming out. He made the lame jokes, asked him what he thought when the girls at the store thought some guy was a ‘hottie,’ and then there were the articles. Though, Chuck supposed, the articles were uniquely Morgan.
The first time Morgan had given him one, he had nearly choked to death with the shock. All printed up from the internet, it was a ‘helpful’ article dealing with being confused over one's sexuality.
Chuck hadn’t known what to say other than, “Why?”
“Because you’re a Stanford man, a brain. I figured you’d want to do research.”
Chuck figured that made sense somewhere in Morgan’s brain, so he had accepted it with a strained smile and a ‘thanks’.
Morgan had glowed at his reaction. “No problem, buddy. You’ve always helped me, and now it’s time for me to help you.”
In the following weeks many other articles followed in Morgan’s quest to be helpful, none of which solved any of his problems over Casey and Sarah.
~*~
Where the hell where they?
Casey darted through the hallway of yet another office building on yet another mission gone wrong. He wondered if missions had been this disastrous, terrifying and exciting before Chuck had come along. It didn’t matter, he supposed, they almost always got the job done. But this one was being a particular bitch.
Last he had seen of them, Chuck was being dragged off by two of the target’s lackeys. It didn’t matter that they were only lackeys, they were mean-as-fuck lackeys and he didn’t like the idea of Chuck in their grasp. Walker had been right on their heels and dodging the bullets that were coming her way.
Casey had taken it upon himself to chase after the target, and, more importantly, the information they were here for. Taking care of his problem with a few scary threats and punches, the man revealed the location of the important intel they were after. This man, Miller, was nothing without the protection he paid so highly for.
He debated a moment on whether to try to bring the man in for further questioning, but this was supposed to be a clean ‘gather and get out’ mission. They weren’t about to get any help in dealing with this situation. Officially, they weren’t even supposed to be here. Knowing he could either stay here and ‘play guard the prisoner’ or track down his team, he made his choice. Grabbing the man by the face, he looked him in the eyes and questioned him one last time, making sure the words he had spoken were the truth. Deciding they were, he got up from his crouch and ended the problem with an efficient bullet to the head. He then headed back to help Walker with her end of the problem. To make sure Chuck was safe.
Entering yet another hallway, he released a small puff of air in relief. One of the lackeys was down. The man was lying on his face, in a pool of his own blood. Casey smiled at what that meant. One down, one to go. Odds were now in his and Walker’s favor.
Stepping over the body, Casey looked into the room it was nearby. He stopped.
Chuck… Walker. They were both on the ground, their arms around one another. The body of the other lackey lay dead nearby. Chuck was whispering to her, as she stoked his face. Leaning in, Chuck gave her a kiss. As their lips touched, Casey stood there frozen. The burn of jealousy coursed through his body. This was payment for his falling for Chuck. This was payment for everything bad he had ever done. He stood there accepting his punishment; accepting the way his heart pounded and his gut ached.
That was until the kiss deepened and Chuck groaned in response. Without him meaning to, a pained sound escaped his lips. They broke apart, both looking at him wide eyed and shocked. Pushing Chuck away, Walker quickly rose. Lips open, Chuck looked up towards her, before his sad eyes went to him. As Chuck’s hurt and confused eyes turned back to Walker, Casey knew what had been started. He was burning with jealousy and it would never go out.
~*~
The next day, they met in the courtyard as nothing had happened. Sarah was strangely late and Casey stood there, completely ignoring him, other then saying that Walker had ten minutes to get her pampered ass here or they were starting without her.
Chuck was certain that Casey was angry with him and Sarah for what happened the night before. He had never commented on it, but it had been obvious in his expression. When Sarah had tried to explain, he had just thrown his hand up at her and walked out of the room. It had taken a few moments, but he had popped his head back in telling them to get a move on. He had the info they needed and they were just wasting time now. He started to leave again and they had quickly followed. The ride back had been deadly silent.
Chuck wasn’t sure why Casey had been so furious, but he did suppose what they had done had been irresponsible, given what a dangerous situation they had been in. Chuck had just been horribly embarrassed that he had been caught kissing one love interest by the other. After the initial episode, Sarah seemed to be ignoring the whole situation together. When Chuck had asked to talk to her about it afterwards, she had greeted the request with silence and now she was late.
Chuck was humming with impatience when she finally arrived.
“Alright, let’s get going!” Sarah said brightly with a smile. As if today were like any other, she bent down to start her stretches.
“This is bullshit.”
She stopped and stood back up straight. “Casey-“
“No. We’re wasting our time! And I’m not just talking about you being late, Walker.”
“He’s doing fine,” she warned.
“Yeah, when the Boston marathon comes up he’ll be more then ready, but until then…”
Chuck flinched at the hardness in Casey’s tone. “I’m trying my best.”
The sigh Casey gave the only indication that he had heard him. He walked up to Sarah and spoke to her in a harsh, but low voice. “What happened the last night could have been avoided if we had been training him right.”
“We don’t know that. It could have made things worse, it could have made no difference at all. It’s better not to push him into a life he can’t handle it.”
Chuck’s jaw hardened at her words.
He was about to object when Casey spat out, “He’s going to end up dead and it will be our fault.”
“Stop saying that!” Chuck’s head spun with the anger he was feeling at both of them.
“See, you're freaking him out.”
As one of their neighbors poked their head out through their window, Casey pushed them both towards his door. “This is not the place or time for this. My fault, but I just want to say, I’m telling it like it is, Walker and it's time you do the same!”
There was an uncharacteristic pleading expression in Casey’s eyes. Sarah took a step back. Her head was tilted, eyes blazing with confusion as she studied him. Chuck realized that she didn’t seem to understand what was going through Casey’s mind anymore than he did.
Chuck forced himself into Casey’s field of vision. “What the hell is going on? Not only have you two been at each other's throats, you guys have been hiding something from me, and I want to know what.”
“It’s nothing you have to worry about, Chuck.”
“No, now. I’m tried tired of both of you.”
Casey narrowed his eyes. “You want answers?”
As Walker said ‘no’, he said, “Yes!”
“Are you ready to be accountable for knowing those answers?”
Sarah clicked her tongue and turned away in frustration.
Chuck paused before answering, “Yes.”
“Tonight. Come over and I’ll give you your answers. I’m not doing this here. We’ve got work in an hour and the last thing a conversation like this needs is to be rushed.”
Chuck let out a breath. “Alright, tonight.” He looked over to Walker who was now giving him the cold shoulder. He turned his attention back to Casey, who licking his lower lip and gazing at him in a curious manner.
Casey blinked suddenly before ending the conversation, “Fine, it’s time to get our asses moving. We should at least do something productive this morning.”
~*~
There was far too much on Chuck’s mind all day. The scene in the courtyard kept playing over and over in his head. It was the graphic car wreck or embarrassing moment you just couldn’t stop picturing. And no matter how much as he tried to figure those two out, nothing came from it. Casey and Sarah had both been acting strangely for nearly three weeks now. Since the incident, he realized. He had allowed his confused feelings and guilt to get in the way of this fact and this morning, it had come back to bite him in the ass. Big time. At least, now he was getting some answers.
Still, as much as that all bugged him, Sarah’s avoidance of what happened the night before kept creeping back. He felt as though if he got some answer out of her and knew where they stood, he could place the Casey ‘thing’ behind him and face whatever lay ahead, tonight, with a clear focus.
It was with that mission in mind that Chuck went over to Sarah’s after work. He’d get his answers from Casey. Hell, he could even demand them from Sarah, but now he needed answers of another sort from her. The sort he searched for were of a more intimate nature. His life was such a mess these days. First, the incident and his falling for Casey, then their great secret and now the kiss Sarah was choosing to ignore. He had had enough.
Taking a deep breath, he knocked. As she opened the door, the breath hissed out in defeat. Any less clothing and she would be naked. Great, he thought. Like he needed another distraction. Sometimes, he swore she did this on purpose.
Focusing his eyes a bit over her head so he wouldn’t gawk, he asked, “Can we talk?”
She arched her eyebrow. “You’ve already talked to Casey?”
“Not yet. But that is not why I’m here. I wanted to talk to you first.”
“Come in.” Chuck could hear the reluctance in her tone, but she stepped aside.
Chuck sat down and watched as Sarah slipped into her bedroom. It took a moment, but when she returned she was wearing a robe.
“The other night-” he started.
“Chuck-” She warned.
“No, look, Sarah. I’m tired of this. It keeps happening and we never really deal with it.” He sighed and shook his head. “I’m crazy about you. I want you. You know that. I think I’m in love with you.”
“Think?”
Chuck pursed his lips in annoyance. “It’s hard to tell when it never gets beyond a kiss here or there. I want a relationship, a real one.” Feeling a rant coming on he told himself to focus. “I don’t want to fight. I just need to know you want this too. If you do, I’ll wait.”
“That’d not be fair, to either of us.”
“But it would be worth it, right?”
When Sarah didn’t reply, Chuck’s heart sank. He decided to give it one last try anyway. “Is anything ever going to happen between us or not? I need to know right now.”
Sarah made a sour face. “You know it’s complicated.”
“You always say that. I’m starting to think it’s never going to be less complicated. Yes or no? Please?” he begged. Biting his lip, he waited for the answer.
“No.”
Chuck felt shocked. The tone was harsh and cold and he just hadn’t expected that answer. “Ever?” he squeaked.
As her eyes darted about the room, they burned, not with anger, but pain. Chuck thought she was going to say no, that they’d find a way to be together. Instead, she said, “Ever.”
With his month gaping slightly, Chuck slowly got up, feeling numb. Two and half years and it had come down to this.
“Look, Chuck-”
Chuck stopped. He turned to find a panicked look in her eyes, before it disappeared again to be replaced by a detached jaded expression. “Never mind. Just know we can’t, okay?”
Got it, his mind screamed. Neither said another word as he walked out the door.
~*~
Hearing a knock, he looked up at the security feed. Chuck. He had expected him before now, but he supposed better late then never. Opening the door, he moved aside, and without the word, let Chuck in.
Chuck plopped down on the couch, looking depressed.
“Someone beat your top score at… Pac Man?” he finished lamely. He needed to update his videogame knowledge if he was ever going to be with… but no, that was never going to happen.
Chuck glared up at him. There was a weariness there that gave him a beaten down appearance. What ever was bothering him was serious.
Casey went into the kitchen. He eyed the hard liquor, considering the scotch, but decided against it. He wanted Chuck’s mind focused when he told him the ‘news’. Instead he went over to the fridge and grabbed two beers, opening them. Going back in, he handed one to Chuck before sitting down in his chair.
“Want to talk about it?”
“No.” Chuck took a good long sip of his beer and pouted a bit more.
“Fair enough.”
Casey even wasn’t sure he even wanted to hear what Chuck had to say. It didn’t take much to figure out that this was over his little ‘coo fest’ with Walker the night before.
There were a few moments of silence before Chuck leaned forward, the bottle hanging lazily between both hands. “Just tell me.”
Casey sighed and rubbed his forehead. Chuck was being straight forward for once. He’d be the same. “Look at what happened last night.”
“Just part of the mission. Hell, I’ve been dragged off so many times now that I expect it.”
Casey narrowed his eyes. “You need to take what we do more seriously.”
Chuck was quiet, like he didn’t know what to say. Casey watched as he sat back and ran a finger over the rim of the bottle. Chuck’s eyes were glued to his action like it was the most fascinating occurrence on the planet.
He went on, “Have you ever wondered what would happen to you when they got a new Intersect?”
“I’d go back to my old life, I guess”
Naive. So much trust. It saddened Casey to break it. “If you were the government, would you let all your most guarded secrets walk around, unwatched? Even old ones?”
“No, but I have-”
“No, you don’t. You don’t have Walker. You don’t have me.” Casey flinched at the flash of extreme pain that entered Chuck’s dark eyes. Still, he went on, “If you were the government, would you waste the people’s tax dollars storing old secrets… for life? No.” He leaned forward, looking deep into the boy’s eyes, making sure he’d understand. “Even secrets on paper meet a paper shedder sometime, Chuck.”
“Are you saying…?” His eyes went wide and he quickly stood up. “You’ve got to be kidding me. After everything…”
Casey’s lips went into a firm unpleased line. “I wish I was.”
Chuck sat back down. Casey noticed his hands were practically strangling the beer bottle in his hands. Any tighter and he’d break it. His eyes were still wide, like he was struggling with processing what he had just learned. Casey got up from his chair and joined Chuck on the couch. Feeling uncertain he reached out and gently squeezed Chuck’s leg to comfort him. Chuck’s eyes darted towards his hand, burning a hole through it. He was about to withdraw his hand when Chuck grabbed it. Casey’s mouth dropped, as did his heart, before he tore his hand away. He swallowed.
“That’s why,” he choked out, at last.
“The training?” Chuck asked. His voice was far more calm then Casey would have imagined.
Casey nodded. “As an agent, you’d be considered less of a risk. You have to do this, Chuck.”
“I don’t have much a choice, do I?”
“You never did.”
“And then what? After I become an agent?”
“You partner with me or Walker. Which ever it is, we’ll ease you in the best we can.”
Much to Casey’s surprise, Chuck gave a harsh short laugh. “The thought of being partners with Sarah at the moment seems worse then death.”
Casey gave him a sad smile. “Spurned you again, did she?”
“Yeah, big time.” He took a swig of his beer like it would make it all better.
Casey tried not to allow the boy’s melodrama to get his hopes up. Chuck and Walker would be back to their old selves in no time and he’d still be what he always was, the third wheel. “You’re the asset, plus anyone romancing Walker has the memory of Larkin to deal with. It doesn’t matter that he’s no longer ‘dead’.”
“I’ll work harder. Do whatever you ask,” Chuck said, ignoring his sympathy.
“Good.”
“I know I’m barely better then when I first started all this.”
“That’s not true. You’d make one hell of an agent with some training. You’ve proven that.”
Chuck rolled his eyes.
He watched Chuck closely for his reaction to what he said next. “You just have no self confidence… on any level.” Casey always thought it was kind of sad someone like Chuck thought so little of himself.
Chuck laughed bitterly. “You know, I used to blame Bryce for that… my lack of confidence. It felt like I had lost everything due to him; my education, Jill, my dreams.” He laughed again, “Even my sister’s respect. Looking back now, though, I realize I never had much confidence to begin with. And the little I had cracked under the slightest pressure.”
Casey made a face, like he had a bad taste in his mouth. “It doesn’t make Larkin any less an asshole.”
Chuck huffed and sat back with a scornful smile on his lips. “That it doesn’t.”
Casey always hated Larkin. Reckless, cocky and good looking to boot? They were always a bad mix. He had found some satisfaction in learning he was a traitor and being the one to fire the bullet to take him down. Seeing what he had done to someone he had once considered a friend just made Casey's blood boil all the more. And the fact that that friend was Chuck? Well, it was best not dwell on what he’d do to Larkin if he ever found him alone in a dark corner.
“Are you willing to do what it takes to reach that goal?” he asked, getting back to the point at hand.
“I always was,” Chuck shrugged. “I just didn’t know what you guys wanted from me.”
“Well, Walker and I have had some disagreement about that.”
Casey waited for Chuck to come to her defense. He didn’t.
“I’m not feeling so favorable towards caring what she thinks one way or the other, at the moment,” he said barely above a whisper.
Casey waited for more to come, but once again, Chuck surprised him and went silent.
“Tomorrow, courtyard, 5 am and tomorrow night, straight after work.”
“Fine.”
Chuck got up placing his now empty beer bottle down of the coffee table.
“Stay,” he implored, glancing up. “Have another.” It hadn’t been the most pleasant topic, but he had been enjoying talking to Chuck.
Chuck eyed the kitchen to where Casey had just thumbed towards. “Rain check. I got an early day tomorrow.”
“Right.” Casey nodded. Getting up, he walked him to the door, doing his best not to show his disappointment.
Casey watched on the monitor as Chuck went over to his place and started his nightly routine before bed. It was always the same, but for some reason, Casey enjoyed watching it. Chuck sat on his bed, taking off his tie and unbuttoning his shirt. Next always came the shoes, before he padded off to the bathroom to wash up. Returning, he took off his pants and shirt, dropping them to the floor in front of his bed. Chuck was wearing tightie whities tonight. Casey preferred him in boxers, but when it came to looking, who didn’t?
Next, Chuck went over and flicked the main light off. Climbing into bed, he turned his side light on. That was different… He watched as Chuck picked his Ipod up, off his side table, put the headphones on and started moving his fingers across its screen. Lying back, he started listening to his music.
Casey figured he’d get no more entertainment tonight. He supposed Chuck wasn’t in the mood for what normally came next. It was a shame, because for some reason he was in the mood. Yes, he still felt bad for listening, but some nights, he just couldn’t help himself. It had become some strange type of foreplay for his own sessions. Didn’t matter though. He had an imagination. There, things were far more simple and Chuck did whatever he wanted.
End of chapter 5
Note: No, I’m not making it easy on Chuck and Casey. Sarah is not out of the picture. Just warning you guys. She in this until the end.
Also, there is a slim chance my computer can be fixed. I'll know by next week. Because of this, I'm not even going to start rewriting chapter 6 until I know my computer's fate.