10,000 Years With Love Chapter 12
"I like you so, so much." Lu Han muttered while peppering kisses along Zi Tao's jawline, unable to give a second care about their surroundings. "Please..."
"Please don't choose him over me... because... I wouldn't know what to do without your attention."
Zi Tao has half a heart to pull away from Lu Han's embrace -- but it was just so warm and soothing. Being held in the other's arms was nothing like being with the exchange student. All the latter brought him was a palpitating heart and sweaty palms, and it felt horrible just standing close to Wu Fan. He lets his nose be buried in the nook of Lu Han's collarbone, hands slowly fisting on the taller boy's tee. The way Lu Han strokes his hair slowly brings him to calmness; entire body no longer going on overdrive and telling him to pull away.
"For the longest time, I have been staying by your side, telling myself that for just another few years... and I will be able to tell you my feelings. Just till you turn a little older, then can I really love you like how I have always wanted to." he pulls Zi Tao closer to him, their bodies sharing heat in the cooling weather. "I know that you have always treated me like a friend... like a brother, and I have always prepared myself for the day when you tell me that you just can't love me the same way... but not like this, Tao. Please, that Wu Fan guy has only been here for two days, you do not know what kind of person he really is."
Lu Han's words starts to settle in the back of his brain, and Zi Tao realizes that, everything the elder has done so far was only for his own good; protecting him from the seniors, and walking Tao to and fro from his martial arts classes despite the awkward timings. "And what really hurts is that... I only managed to find out about the both of you from Yi Xing. I know that you're growing up, and you no longer find your... friends... fun to be with, but please, Tao, I'm begging you, please don't fall in love with someone like him."
"Please don't love him." Lu Han pleads, voice turning desperate and the hold on Zi Tao gets tighter. "I can make you feel the same way, if you would give me a chance."
He sniffles a little, letting his fists tighten and Zi Tao hears the slight chuckle Lu Han lets out. Hands were slowly sliding themselves off the younger boy's neck-- wrapping around Zi Tao's waist in a claim of possession. His puffy eyes fluttered shut, taking in the sweaty scent of the soccer captain. The faint smell of fresh grass had permanently embedded themselves onto Lu Han's sports tee, causing Zi Tao to smile at that. "What's going on?" Lu Han whispers while gently patting the other's head. "Why are you laughing?"
"Because you smell like grass," he mumbles into Lu Han's neck. "And just because I want to."
Zi Tao twirls the hem of Lu Han's shirt, letting the loose fabric tighten against the latter's body. "Don't you have soccer practice?" he asks while Lu Han starts rocking them both side-to-side, in all possible attempts to make Zi Tao feel better.
"Or I could simply skip practice for today... I'm sure coach wouldn't mind me missing out once after all my contributions."
"No, Lu Han." Zi Tao shakes his head as the other entwines their hands together, fingers intertwined. "Do not skip soccer practice because of me, I am able to take care of myself."
Lu Han smiles and lets his fingers run over Zi Tao's fringe, pushing them back.
They stayed for another ten minutes before Lu Han pulled away for soccer practice-- their lips touching a couple more times, and fingertips lingered on the other's skin innocently for an extra few seconds. Zi Tao doesn't put up any form of struggle this time round; eyes lidded as the older boy leans in for one last kiss which lasted longer than the rest.
Because Lu Han was giving him something.
Something that Wu Fan would not be able to give after he has left for his country.
Affection.
Zi Tao ends up skipping dinner much to his mother's dismay, heading straight to his bedroom after a quick shower. The feeling of Lu Han's lips still tingled in the back of his throat, and for some reason, it just doesn't feel right. It wasn't that he'd hated the kiss or anything-- if any, Zi Tao wouldn't be able to put his fingers on it either-- it didn't feel remotely close to how Wu Fan had made him feel. But hey, it's not as though he was some kind of kissing expert or something.
Growing up, Zi Tao had been taught that love has no boundaries; gender was nothing but a limit humans created to show their own misery. His grandmother had once told him that it wasn't how much you could love someone-- but it was the process of falling in love with the other which mattered. 'Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.' she told him once, and it hasn't left his mind since. Then again, what more does a fifteen year old like Zi Tao know about love? His parents had never really cared about him, and the only people whom he had genuinely regarded as a family was his grandmother... and... Lu Han. Now that he's looking back, everything Lu Han has done for him in the past totally makes sense. Not that it wasn't logical back then, but how protective the older boy was towards him kind of pieces things together now.
In all honesty, Zi Tao wishes that he was given a second chance, and to never have talked to the foreign exchange student. Better, if circumstances were to change, for Lu Han to not volunteer in the hosting program. He doesn't know what he should be doing right now to remedy the sticky situation he's in, nor does he want to know what should be done. It's really not that Zi Tao wants to give up, but he understands that Lu Han does things in favor of Tao himself, and all the times the elder boy has given up on things just to take care of him. After-all, Lu Han was right. Wu Fan will be leaving in a couple of days' time, and it just isn't for the best to jeopardize the relationship he shares with Lu Han just for a moment of his folly.
The screen of his phone lights up for a couple of seconds before going into total darkness, and Zi Tao manages to catch a glimpse of Xiu Min's name... which was, new, since they were never exactly chummy, but he's Lu Han's classmate. He feels kind of apologetic for ignoring the latter's calls and texts ever since the eventful kiss(es), but Zi Tao just isn't ready to face reality just yet... even though he knows that things would only worsen over time.
Taking a chance, he checks his phone only to find a total of thirteen missed calls and twenty-nine text messages from Lu Han. There were only two texts which came from Xiu Min, and Zi Tao couldn't help but feel curious as to why the senior was suddenly texting him. His fingers hover above the 'open message' button, hesitant on whether Lu Han had asked for the other to send a text on his behalf. He ends up braving up and reading through the message, eyes glimmering the moment he notices the name 'Wu Fan' in the first sentence.
From Xiu Min: Zi Tao, this is Wu Fan. I am so sorry for getting engaged in a fight with Lu Han (technically speaking, I had gotten beaten up by him because I was not prepared at all) earlier on this afternoon, but I hope we can speak sometime soon? I have changed student hosts, and turns out that Xiu Min knows you. Please reply... I shall take it that there was nothing between us if I do not receive any text back by tomorrow morning.
From Xiu Min: Please, Zi Tao...
There was a strong throb of his heart before it felt as though it wasn't beating anymore.
Numb.
He places his phone screen-down, and stretches out his arm to switch off the ceiling lights-- feeling so numb, but tired. His body gets devoured by the sheets while the pillows muffle out the soft sobs. Zi Tao doesn't even know why he's crying, but he's holding onto a breath that he can't let go of, and it's suffocating him. The lump in his throat rises and falls back to the same position, where Zi Tao sees himself floating around the same decision even after hours of thinking.
"Grandma..." he whispers, the warm tears that he has been holding back continues to flow.
Now that Zi Tao kind of understands what his grandmother had told him years back, he doesn't know exactly what to do. The affairs of the heart was utterly confusing him out, and had his grandmother still been around, she would have told him to follow his own instincts. But who was Zi Tao to follow his instincts, when it is the one leading him to more confusion? He felt that things were right with Wu Fan, but with Lu Han, there was a sense of security where even if the world fell, he would still be there to catch him.
His phone vibrates on the table, lighting up the dark room. As much as Zi Tao would have preferred to sort things out the next morning, he decides to pick the call, not at all surprised that it was Lu Han on the other line.
"Lu Han..."
"I'm so glad you picked up your phone, Tao. I was starting to worry if anything had happened on your way back." the other voice comes off as tired and relieved, making Zi Tao let out a choked sob. "Tao? Are you crying?"
The question was a catalyst for Zi Tao to start crying even louder-- not to the extent of bawling, but the sound of his sobs had thoroughly broken Lu Han inside-out.
"Tao? Please answer me!"
"Zi Tao!"
It takes another few seconds before his cries turns into sniffles, and he was able to utter out his words in a hoarse voice. "Lu Han..."
"I'm going over."
"It's oka--"
"No it's not!" there was ruffling over at Lu Han's side, before the sound of keys clanking against his metal gate reverberated around the space. "It's not okay, and I know it. I will be there in a few minutes, wait for me, please."
True to his words, Lu Han arrives within ten minutes, considering that he lives two streets down Zi Tao's apartment. It wasn't shocking to see him panting hard and sweating through his thin shirt -- despite the wintry night -- as he lightly knocked on the younger boy's door after he was let in. Lu Han doesn't bother to wait for any form of acknowledgement from the other when he walks in the pitch dark room, only spotting a quivering figure on the bed. Quietly shutting the door, he hastily walks toward Zi Tao, slightly pulling the covers down his head. "Tao..."
"Lu Han..."
Zi Tao sits up when Lu Han stretches out his arms and wraps themselves around his back.
And there's that same sense of security again.
"I'm here for you now," he whispers while patting the other's back, slowly pushing the younger away, only to get pulled back when the latter realized what he was doing.
"Lu Han," Zi Tao hurriedly says, hands reaching out to grab onto Lu Han's damp shirt. "Please don't go!"
"I'm not going anywhere, Tao. Just wanted to get on the bed with you."
Zi Tao looks up at the other with desperation clear in his eyes, wanting company for the night. He makes way for Lu Han to climb onto the bed, clearing off a couple of his pillows to accomodate him. As they laid together on the same mattress, Lu Han lies on his side, tugging the younger boy into his arms, whispering sweet-nothings at the same time. Time crawls by slowly, with Zi Tao being unable to put a certain someone off his mind. There was just something about Wu Fan which electrifies him so terribly, making his knees go weak and stomach be flooded with butterflies. Every time he closes his eyes, the charismatic stare would replay behind his lids, and the kiss they shared earlier on would still send chills down his spine.
If this was what his grandmother had meant by fate, then destiny must be playing a horrendous trick on him... Sending Zi Tao someone who would never be able to stay with him, but then again, he falls so deeply in love with the fated one.
"Zi Tao..." Lu Han shifts downward to face the other, and his fingers ever-so-gently slide behind Zi Tao's head, supporting him while he leans in.
Their lips touch, and Zi Tao sees Lu Han shutting his eyes softly-- but Tao doesn't feel it. He doesn't feel the kiss like how he should be. All he feels is the painful stab in his heart, as though telling him that no, this is wrong.
All he sees is Wu Fan.
Wu Fan.
Just Wu Fan.
But if the fated love means to hurt himself, it does not seem logical to continue -- unless it is meant to always stay as a memory. If Wu Fan wasn't going to stay in contact with Zi Tao, how were they going to work it?
...If Wu Fan's love doesn't belong to Zi Tao, why should they even bother to try?
Zi Tao thinks that there's nothing more lethal than the sting of love, and he wants to end this -- whatever was shared -- relationship with Wu Fan...
But he realizes that he doesn't have the courage to do so, because being with him felt so nostalgic; it was as though they've known the other for a long, long, time. It sounds really stupid, but the way Wu Fan looks at him sends him up to cloud nine, where nothing else bothers him, and all that matters was how they were going to utilize the few days they had. Even though... it seems sort of pointless to be thinking of such things now that he's with Lu Han. What's even more upsetting was how Zi Tao doesn't care that they are kissing, and all he's thinking of was another guy even with Lu Han's lips on his.
"Lu Han--" Zi Tao mutters as the older boy slides his hands under his shirt, cold fingers bringing him back to reality.
"Tao..."
Things were kind of freaking him out, now that Zi Tao finally notices how Lu Han had long pulled away from the kiss, and the button of his jeans were open. The way Lu Han spoke every one of his words was as though he wanted something from Zi Tao. Never in his wildest dreams would he ever imagine Lu Han to say those kind of words to him, and if there was a chance for him to rewind time, he would never have picked up the call. He doesn't like the way Lu Han stands up to lock the door quietly, and to remove his shirt in the meanwhile. He doesn't like how the older boy slides back onto the bed and nips at Zi Tao's earlobe, whispering the words he doesn't want to hear, but not having the ability to reject the other either.
"I will be gentle..."
--
What's actually up is that I will no longer be crossposting this on SNCJ, so if you're interested in reading this (with notifications, it's up on AsianFanfics). This is the last update which will be up on SNCJ. Sorry for the late update!