Suicide, Maybe? 7/15
As soon as I get into the café the next day for my coffee fix, of course Tom is there apparently waiting for me. He just comes up beside me as I wait for my black coffee to be fixed, not saying a word or touching me. Apparently he expects me to say something or do something first. He is sorely mistaken if he thinks I am going to go running to him now. No one is ever that open and willing for that to happen.
I woke up this morning in a good mood and it is still with me, so I just offer him a smile and turn my attention back to the barista fixing my coffee. I’m sure Tom has noticed the white gauzes on both of my wrists underneath both of my black guards and bracelets. Maybe he wont know what they are covering…it’s a hope I can live with right now.
I offer the barista a smile as I take the cup from him and take a sip, love the heat as it burns its way down. Now I am fully awake with coffee in hand.
“You okay?” Tom finally asks me warily as I decide to sit down at one of the little tables scattered around the café. Of course he follows me and sits directly across from me, no coffee in hand. That was how I knew he had been waiting for me, he had no coffee and I knew he did actually drink it.
“Of course,” I tell him with the smile still on my face, my mood was too good for me not to show it to other people and Tom was certainly a big help in my mood so good today.
“You sure?” he asks carefully as I watch his fingers pick at the hem of his jacket. I notice Tom is watching me closely but he is nervous, his hands picking at his jacket. Does he actually care for me? Is it more than just work obligations that keep him coming after me? This question has lingered in my mind since he first started appearing around me so much. No one has actually sought me out for anything beyond what I can do for them. Tom hasn’t really asked for anything from me other than to just talk. I have the urge to reach out and touch him, stop his hands from fidgeting but I don’t.
“Yeap!” I exclaim before taking a long sip from my coffee cup and adjusting my messenger bag from where it’s digging in my hip. I probably didn’t put my laptop in the right way this morning.
I watch him nod his head and I actually see when he zeros in on my gaze wrapped wrist, Tom’s eyes get wide before timidly picking up my free hand. “Bill…” he breaths out as he just seems to stare at my hand that he holds in both of his, almost like it’s the Holy Grail or maybe a really poisonous snake….I would go with the snake personally.
Sipping from my coffee, I watch him, not saying anything or moving the hand that he continues to hold. “Wha-When did this happen?” He asks softly, I almost don’t hear him over the mood music playing in the background and everybody talking. I cock my head to the side before smiling softly, “Last night sometime. Don’t worry about it, cleaned up and bandaged maybe some scarring but it’ll be okay.” I tell him softly, fearing that now Tom apparently cares for me. I’m starting to feel claustrophobic from everyone wanting in on what I’m doing now. Ms. Ann, Georg, his mother, now Tom. Too many people are banging wanting in and my door against them is starting to splinter but I’m not sure what will be waiting for them when they finally manage to get through. Will it just be me broken and bleeding out into a small puddle or will it be me screaming and throwing things?
Tom continues to hold me hand gently except now he is slowly working all of my jewelry and wraps off my hand, placing them on the table before working the flimsy gaze open. I know what he is going to see but for some reason I continue to watch him, waiting for his reaction. Finally letting the gaze flutter to the table on top of my jewelry, his eyes just widen before letting out a gasp in surprise. “Oh, Bill!” He exclaims with what looks like tears starting to gather in his eyes as he gently traces one of his fingers over my skin.
I frown at him. “Tom I’m okay. I’ll heal up just fine in a week or so.” I tell him gently before maneuvering my hand out of his grasp without hurting myself. When he finally lets me go, I gather the gauze up and start on wrapping it back around but Tom’s tanned t
“I’ll do it.” He says softly before taking the gauze from me and starts on the task. I can’t help but just watch him; his movements are so elegant and precise. They way his wrist curves when he moves a certain way, it’s like a ballet. I don’t fight him at all, just watch until he smoothes his fingers over the tap before beginning to put the wrist guards, jewelry and wrist wraps back on that he had taken off.
Tom is so gentle and careful that I don’t feel anything from the cuts. He doesn’t let anything rest heavily on my cuts and makes sure my wrist guards are the only thing lying on top of the cuts. If only he knew what was hidden in the fabric of the guards, he might not be as careful.
“Why?” He asks me simply, staring intently at my face. I can’t meet his eyes. He is expecting too much from me or maybe it’s what I don’t want him to come to understand from me. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I don’t understand how he can look at me like he does and not see what I see.
Every time I look in the mirror, I see the little boy who got passed around like an unwanted puppy; never good enough to keep around. I would get kept around for a while because of the money, but the minute I was an inconvenience a call was placed and someone came to get me. A situation left on continual repeat that I lost count how many times it played over and over in front of me.
“Nothing happened, Tom.” I tell him firmly before glancing down at my watch, “I need to get going for class, I’m sure I’ll see you later.” I add before grabbing my coffee and running like the devil himself was on my ass wanting a little chat.
Of course every time I walk out of a class, Tom is always waiting for me. He always has this look of concern on his face. I just turn my back on him and hurry away as fast as my boots will allow me to run.
One such incident, I make a break for it after my last class of the day with my messenger bag banging painfully against my hip, “Bill!” I hear yelled after me from behind me.
Turning around I see a black haired girl running after me, he hair streaming behind her.
“Yea?!” I snap at her, tapping my foot against the linoleum as she stops in front of me breathing heavy from the short run from the class room door. Looking over this girl shoulder’s to see Tom still standing by the door now with a scowl as he watches me.
“Oh sorry, Bill. I just had a question.” She says seeming a little taken aback by my demeanor and she actually takes a step back from me, with her eyes widen.
Letting out a sigh of breath and telling myself she doesn’t mean to annoy the shit out of me, “What can I help you with?” I ask with a forced smile as I tighten a hand around the strap of my messenger bag, I have to take out my frustration on something and obviously this girl isn’t a good idea.
“Well, I-I was wondering if you would partner up with me on the science project.” She manages to get out, having dropped her eyes down to the floor. Apparently our shoes are much more entertaining than looking at the person you’re talking to.
“He just assigned it this class; we haven’t even picked out subjects yet.” I tell her slowly, making sure I’m not that far behind in this damn class. This class would have been dropped first month in if I didn’t need the damn credit for my major.
“Yea I know, but I figured if we could partner up then it would be easier to figure out our subject. That way we could get a head start on the project.” She mutters, shuffling her feet before finally looking back at me and apparently my frown scares her, “Sorry, you’re just really smart and I thought we could get an A….” her words trailing off as she runs a hand through her long black hair before making eye contact with me.
“Let’s see what subjects we end up doing and then maybe we can partner up, I could really use an A in this class right now.” I tell her with a small smile before turning my back on her and finally making my way out of the damn building and towards my car.
Before I even realize what I’m doing, a cigarette is out of a pack and already lit. I take a puff and feel the stress melting off me as I head closer to my car. ‘I hate that damn class! I have no clue why that nameless girl would want to partner up with me, I’m barely passing that class so I would certainly pull her down.’ These thoughts swarm around as I keep inhaling and exhaling the smoke, enjoying the nicotine rushing through my system.
“What did she want?” A now familiar voice asks as he suddenly steps from behind his black Escalade; I pass on by trying to get to my car.
‘Damnit! The universe is conspiring against me today! I want to go home and lock my door against people, maybe even kick Georg out for awhile.’ I whimper to myself as I drop the filter, shredding the remains under my boot heel.
“Some girl. What do you want Tom?” I tell him with a shrug before glaring at him, making sure he knows his presence is not wanted nor needed.
“Just wanted to see how you are, you’ve been running away all day. Figured you would be heading home about now,” Tom tells me honestly as he thrusts his hands into his baggy front pockets.
“Yea well, you standing outside all of my classroom doors would lead me to believe you are now officially stalking me. Congratulations! You’ve moved from being my shadow to now an official stalker.” I exclaim in mock as I pull out another cigarette, still glaring at him in annoyance making sure he knows he is keep me from someplace.
“Look Bill, I know okay. Stop putting up a front and just….let my try okay.” Tom says in defeat as he keeps looking at me with this imploring look. For some reason I can always tells when Tom is telling the truth, because he always meets my eyes.
Looking at him, I mean really looking at him. I can see that he actually has bags under his eyes and his clothes looks wrinkled as if he just pulled them out of a basket or off the floor and threw them on. “Tom…”I start but stop because there isn’t anything I really can tell him. Nothing that he would understand at any rate, because unless he has experienced the need burning under your skin with demands to be let out, it would be like explaining the falling of the first snow to someone who has never seen it.
“Look we all have our cravings, I tend to prefer smoking and coffee as they are much healthier but…some cravings come to the surface and demand to be met before they’ll go away. That’s all.” I tell him not able to meet his eyes so I keep my eyes focused on a part of his impeccably clean SUV.
“Bill…some things aren’t healthy to indulge in though and…I just worry for you okay.” Tom says, starting and stopping his words as I can tell he is trying to choose them carefully and he places a hand on my shoulder as he tries to get my attention back on him. Whenever he is around, my attention is always on him.
Cutting my eyes over to his face and then down to his hand, “You are only concerned about me because of your job. If we hadn’t met that day then you never would have known me or even looked twice at me. You have read my file and suddenly you feel like you know me, which is highly unlikely. Just because we have hung around each other a few times, suddenly we’re buddies? No, we’re not! I don’t have friends. I have pests and annoyances, that’s it.” I tell him, feeling breathless but feeling like I have the world lifted off my shoulders.
Waving to him before turning on my boot heel, I promptly put as much distance between Tom and I as I keep looking for my car.
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Sorry for how short it is, but hopefully I'll get the next chapter up soon to make up for it!
Please review!!!!!!
Chapter 8