i have had some time to heal. lately i've been practicing figure drawing and caricatures in a small journal, and i'm teaching myself how to sew (i've sewed one hideous lavender sachet and one surprisingly decent shirt). i'm caring for the few small plants we have in our home and working toward becoming a generally more organized person. i've been ( Read more... )

the hard thing to explain, particularly in light of the last entry: i'm not especially unhappy. i have a wonderful relationship. i'm known as a stylish person and, at the very least, a competent writer (although i've received better compliments than that). i am so much better than i was so long ago, and ultimately, things are better. really. life ( Read more... )

earlier, as i sat in my desk chair naked and covered in a brown blanket, thrown over my head, my left fist was clenched so tight around each side of the blanket, holding them closed over my chest, that it hurt. i had to pry my hand open, uncurling each fist and letting the blood rush back into every knuckle ( Read more... )

this morning i listed to broken social scene for the first time in years and the wave of nostalgia hit me so hard i cried.

park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
dream about me

after over five years of healing and poor judgment and ill-advised love affairs started in dark bars and whiskey-soaked kisses that often came with exactly the amount of trouble anticipated but in a completely different interpretation than imagined ( Read more... )

My anxiety has been so bad.  Yesterday, I had the first full fledged panic attack that I have had in years.  I was on the streets of San Francisco and had a horrible fucking panic attack ( Read more... )

let me write this down because i chronically struggle to believe that everything (anything) is real when things go well ( Read more... )

It's funny how someone will convince themselves that they see you clearly, and how their vision of you is more indicative of who they are than it is of yourself ( Read more... )

turns out i'm slinging food again, waiting tables at a local restaurant and getting ready to sling tits again too ( Read more... )

Are those healthy things? Probably not. For me -- and for you, it sounds like -- honesty is one of the biggest things that makes me happy with the state of a relationship I'm in, and the lack thereof is one of the biggest things that makes me feel disrespected and unhappy (and filled with rage). And I've been in and seen enough terrible ( Read more... )