[exo] gotta let you go (even if it kills me)
|| sehun-centric, sehun x yixing, minor! friendship jongin x sehun | pg | angst ||
warning: #HowToGrammar // disclaimer: no copyright infringement intended whatsoever.
summary: sehun helps the love of his life cheat the god of death.
a/n: oh wow *_* how did a plotless thing end up so long? lol anyways, hope you enjoy <3
**
gotta let you go (even if it kills me) ;;
Sehun looks on silently as the man before him curls his fingers into tight white knuckled fists, tears flowing fast - unchecked and unbidden- down the pale unblemished skin of his beautiful face.
Yixing is biting down on his bottom lip as his shoulders tremble and chest heave rapidly, trying valiantly to keep his overflowing emotions in check . Breaths coming out in harsh labored gasps, he stares resolutely at the toes of his sneakers, desperately willing himself to stop crying, to stop breaking down in front of the younger man.
Making sure that his usual blank and indifferent façade is in place, Sehun sighs softly and breathes out one word. Yixing.
Yixing jerks his head up at the sound of his name whispered by the man he loved - no, loves - , the heart-aching familiarity, the sole word, causing the ribcage to tighten and constrict painfully in his chest, making it so hard to breathe.
He hastily wipes at his drowning orbs with the back of his hand, raising his right arm and accidentally letting Sehun catch a fleeting glimpse of the dark red ink on his bicep. ‘For longer than forever’ it reads; the calligraphy elegant and striking, the shade of red contrasting beautifully against pale skin.
-
Why that color, hyung? Sehun had asked when they were at the tattoo parlor. It looks like blood.
Yixing had smiled at him, gentle look in his eyes, and murmured.
Exactly. Don’t you think it creates a bigger impact that way?
-
Sehun has a similar tattoo at the back of his neck, a continuation of Yixing’s, a simple and straightforward ‘I love you’.
-
What’s with the color? Yixing has asked with hints of bemusement dancing in the depths of his orbs. Kinda matches your pink hair though, he grinned toothily and reaches up to ruffle the younger boy’s fluffy hair.
Sehun merely shrugged and smiled bashfully, shyly.
I don’t know..it sort of reminds me of you? Somehow.
And the older boy had spun him around, leaned up, and pressed his lips against the canary yellow words - whispering into the warm skin.
I love you too.
-
Sehun looks on silently as Yixing stares at him with glassy orbs. He feels his defense collapsing - the way it always does whenever the elder is around - and quickly looks away, blinking away the traitorous tears that were threatening to spill.
Baby look at me, please, he hears Yixing say softly and his heart shatters at the vulnerability and helplessness in the older boy’s shaking voice. Don’t turn away from me, Sehun.
Closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath to calm and steady his nerves, Sehun thinks to himself that yes, he’s now prepared to finish off what he’s started - to make a clean break and to live the rest of his life with a shattered heart.
But when he opens his eyes only to have his vision filled with an undeniably hurt and pleading expression on Yixing’s face, he realizes that he will never be able to have a clean break because a part of him will always belong to Yixing - a major part of him will be with the boy he’s so in love with, a boy he wants nothing more than to hold and cherish for the rest of eternity, a boy he’s pushing away. A boy he wants so much to hold on to, a boy he’s letting go. Sehun will be broken beyond repair when he separates himself from Yixing, when he breaks the bond connecting the two of them - when he cuts off the magical red thread connecting their hearts and existence.
He’ll be incomplete, and perhaps one day if he’s lucky enough, somebody will come along and make him feel better. One thing’s for sure though, the hole within Sehun, the gap in his heart and the tear in his soul, will never be healed.
He will never be whole again. The thought of it almost has him losing all strength and collapsing to the ground. It isn’t really the idea of being incomplete that frightens him, it’s more the realization that the one and only person that has the ability to complete him won’t be there when Sehun needs him, and there’ll be no one blame but he himself.
Sehun’s bleeding heart clenches in his chest, and an involuntary sob escapes him, a sound of utmost loss and despair. Agony and anguish.
Yixing reaches out a trembling hand towards the younger. Sehun-ah, why are you doing this? Talk to me. Please.
The sound of Yixing’s broken and hoarse voice proves too much for Sehun to handle. He steps back, shaking his head slowly as tears run freely from the dark pools of his eyes.
I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry. Yixing hyung, I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. Don’t forgive me, don’t remember me. Forget me and be happy.
And then he runs.
Runs out of the door, runs away from Yixing, runs away from the only boy he has ever loved, and the only person he will ever love.
Sehun runs. Away from his happiness.
-
Yixing sinks numbly to the ground, his heart shattering into a million little pieces. He stares with red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks at the open door. Pulling his knees close to his chest, he hugs them tightly and whispers into the air - the still and silent air.
Come back. If you’re sorry, come back. Come back Sehun, come back to me.
A sudden gust of wind flows into the room and tips over a photo frame. It falls from its place on the top of the piano to its death - its untimely death.
Beneath the broken glass pieces lay a picture of Sehun and Yixing sporting matching silly grins, beaming widely and unreservedly with arms around each other, into the camera lens.
-
Sehun stares at the black screen of his phone, heart aching and tears on his face. He lets out a shaky breath, and punches in a number. The line connects and the other end picks up. Sehun inhales deeply, steeling himself for what he’s about to do.
What the fuck man. It’s 11.43 on a fucking Saturday morning. Who gave you the permission to wake me up at such an ungodly hour?
Sehun smiles slightly at his best friend’s disgruntled voice. Hey yourself, Jongin. Rise and shine.
Rise and shine my butt, he hears Jongin mumble before there’s the sound of him clearing his throat. Dude, why do you sound like you’ve been crying? Did something happen?
Fresh tears spring unbidden to the edges of Sehun’s eyes as his chest constricts painfully. He rapidly shakes his head and only when he hears an uncertain Sehun? in his ear does he realize rather belatedly that the other boy cannot see him over the phone.
N-no, nothing’s wrong. I-I wasn’t crying.
You’re a shit liar, Oh Sehun. Now tell me what’s wrong, and don’t you dare say nothing. Or so help me I will smack the crap out of you when we meet.
The younger boy hiccups softly at his friend’s language. Jongin had such a foul mouth, scowling scornfully at almost everything. But Sehun knows for a fact that the guy actually possessed a blindingly beautiful soul, and that his bitter exterior was only a façade, a mask to protect the fragile sensitivity. Sehun is one of the very few people to have the ability to get past that shield. He considers himself to be extremely lucky in that sense. He trusted Jongin, trusts him almost more than he trusted himself, and that strong trust has led him to believe that Jongin was the only person he can pass his task to. Jongin won’t fail him.
Brushing his tears away, Sehun takes in a deep breath and speaks into the phone - willing his voice not to shake too much. Listen, Jongin. I- I need you to do me a favor.
Sure man, anything. Sehun hears the soft rustling of bed sheets as Jongin makes to sit up. Are you feeling alright? Do you need me to go to your place? Isn’t Xing with you?
Clapping his free hand over his mouth, Sehun bites down on his tongue as he feels a scream tearing its way out of his throat. Just the mere mention of Yixing’s name has him in so much pain - like jagged ice shards piercing into his dying heart. Sehun feels as if he’s drowning in a sea of anguish, an ocean of pain. The tidal waves mercilessly crashing down on him, swallowing him whole, engulfing and eating him alive.
Dude? You there?
Shoving away all pretenses of being fine, Sehun tightens his hold on his phone and chokes desperately into the device.
Jongin. Promise me; promise me you’ll look after Yixing. Make sure he eats and drinks enough, remind him if he forgets. And also - and also -
What the hell are you saying man? There’s a note of panic in Jongin’s voice. Sehun, where the fuck are you?
Promise me you’ll take care of him. Buy him the snacks he likes, cuddle with him under the blankets, and tell him that he’s beautiful. Tell him you love him more than anything else in the world. Make him smile, make him laugh -
Sehun-
Make him happy! Sehun shouts, voice rising and breaking from the onslaught of emotions. Make him feel loved and - and- never ever leave him. Don’t make him cry. Promise me Jongin, promise me.
There’s a short silence before Jongin says - voice soft and pleading. What are you doing, my friend?
The younger male pauses for what seems like an eternity before parting his trembling lips.
I’m returning him to you. Don’t leave him, Jongin, please.
Sehun ends the call.
And flings his phone across the room in frustration. The device hits a wall with a resounding crack. Throwing his head back, Sehun lets out a scream. He screams out, long and hard, till his voice breaks and goes hoarse, till he feels his vocal chords tear and bleed.
As his scream tapers off into heart-wrenching sobs, as silence and bleakness start to surround and fill him, he feels a hand on his shoulder and a quiet Sehun.
The young man whips his head around. Lu Han. I didn’t know you were here. He sniffs. How long have you been around?
Lu Han sends a small smile and a slight shrug in Sehun’s direction. I was here all along. You were just too uhm, preoccupied to notice. Not that I blame you of course.
When Sehun remains silent, he continues softly. It must have hurt so much.
Hurts more than having your body burnt by flames a thousand times over. Hurts more than having your skin peeled off your flesh inch by fucking inch, Sehun whispers - looking at his fingers with a strange glint in his eyes. Fucking hurts like hell, that’s what.
Lu Han squeezes Sehun’s shoulder lightly. And you’re absolutely positive that you want to do this? It’s still not too late if -
The younger male raises his head slowly. He’ll die if I don’t do it, won’t he?
Yes. Zhang Yixing will die.
In that case, I won’t regret my decision. There’s a spark of steely determination in Sehun’s brown orbs. Yixing hyung cannot die yet. I won’t let him.
Lu Han snorts. And who do you think you are? What makes you think you can -
I’m doing it aren’t I? I’m preventing him from dying, Sehun cuts him off quietly with a wry grin at the corners of his lips.
There’s a short stretch of silence, then -
Alright fine, so your great self-sacrificing act keeps him alive. Zhang Yixing lives, but he’ll be without you, he’ll be broken. You’re okay with that?
Sehun looks at Lu Han and says simply, confidently. Jongin will be there for him.
And you think that Kim Jongin will somehow be able to heal Zhang Yixing? Lu Han frowns lightly. Why are you so sure of it?
Sehun smiles - just a small quirk of the lips, but a genuine smile nonetheless. Faith, Lu Han, faith.
The elder rolls his eyes and scoffs softly. Humans.
Well, he shrugs, if you’re sure then. You have one more day. Do you want to see him for a final time?
Reaching into his back pocket for his wallet, Sehun flips it open and stares longingly at a photograph of a sound asleep Yixing nestled snugly in his arms, in Sehun’s arms.
He reaches out his fingers to ghost over the image, trying to burn it into his mind and the back of his eyelids.
That won’t be necessary, he says in a soft but steady voice. Saying goodbye once was hard enough, I don’t think I could do it for the second time.
Sehun looks over his shoulder when he doesn’t hear a response from Lu Han.
The older man isn’t there, vanishing tendrils and wisps of grey smoke in his place.
**
- /rolls all over the floor/ i really really liked this ^^ cant say the same for everything i've written so :D :D :D
- also, i'm also quite happy that i have not lost my spikes :) i've been writing fluff and only fluff for quite a while so i'm genuinely pleased and relieved that i can still write angst that brings tears to /my own/ eyes as i was writing.
- okay i'll shut up now. comment? o(^^)o
also! come say hello on twitter and/or ask.fm ♥
warning: #HowToGrammar // disclaimer: no copyright infringement intended whatsoever.
summary: sehun helps the love of his life cheat the god of death.
a/n: oh wow *_* how did a plotless thing end up so long? lol anyways, hope you enjoy <3
**
gotta let you go (even if it kills me) ;;
Sehun looks on silently as the man before him curls his fingers into tight white knuckled fists, tears flowing fast - unchecked and unbidden- down the pale unblemished skin of his beautiful face.
Yixing is biting down on his bottom lip as his shoulders tremble and chest heave rapidly, trying valiantly to keep his overflowing emotions in check . Breaths coming out in harsh labored gasps, he stares resolutely at the toes of his sneakers, desperately willing himself to stop crying, to stop breaking down in front of the younger man.
Making sure that his usual blank and indifferent façade is in place, Sehun sighs softly and breathes out one word. Yixing.
Yixing jerks his head up at the sound of his name whispered by the man he loved - no, loves - , the heart-aching familiarity, the sole word, causing the ribcage to tighten and constrict painfully in his chest, making it so hard to breathe.
He hastily wipes at his drowning orbs with the back of his hand, raising his right arm and accidentally letting Sehun catch a fleeting glimpse of the dark red ink on his bicep. ‘For longer than forever’ it reads; the calligraphy elegant and striking, the shade of red contrasting beautifully against pale skin.
-
Why that color, hyung? Sehun had asked when they were at the tattoo parlor. It looks like blood.
Yixing had smiled at him, gentle look in his eyes, and murmured.
Exactly. Don’t you think it creates a bigger impact that way?
-
Sehun has a similar tattoo at the back of his neck, a continuation of Yixing’s, a simple and straightforward ‘I love you’.
-
What’s with the color? Yixing has asked with hints of bemusement dancing in the depths of his orbs. Kinda matches your pink hair though, he grinned toothily and reaches up to ruffle the younger boy’s fluffy hair.
Sehun merely shrugged and smiled bashfully, shyly.
I don’t know..it sort of reminds me of you? Somehow.
And the older boy had spun him around, leaned up, and pressed his lips against the canary yellow words - whispering into the warm skin.
I love you too.
-
Sehun looks on silently as Yixing stares at him with glassy orbs. He feels his defense collapsing - the way it always does whenever the elder is around - and quickly looks away, blinking away the traitorous tears that were threatening to spill.
Baby look at me, please, he hears Yixing say softly and his heart shatters at the vulnerability and helplessness in the older boy’s shaking voice. Don’t turn away from me, Sehun.
Closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath to calm and steady his nerves, Sehun thinks to himself that yes, he’s now prepared to finish off what he’s started - to make a clean break and to live the rest of his life with a shattered heart.
But when he opens his eyes only to have his vision filled with an undeniably hurt and pleading expression on Yixing’s face, he realizes that he will never be able to have a clean break because a part of him will always belong to Yixing - a major part of him will be with the boy he’s so in love with, a boy he wants nothing more than to hold and cherish for the rest of eternity, a boy he’s pushing away. A boy he wants so much to hold on to, a boy he’s letting go. Sehun will be broken beyond repair when he separates himself from Yixing, when he breaks the bond connecting the two of them - when he cuts off the magical red thread connecting their hearts and existence.
He’ll be incomplete, and perhaps one day if he’s lucky enough, somebody will come along and make him feel better. One thing’s for sure though, the hole within Sehun, the gap in his heart and the tear in his soul, will never be healed.
He will never be whole again. The thought of it almost has him losing all strength and collapsing to the ground. It isn’t really the idea of being incomplete that frightens him, it’s more the realization that the one and only person that has the ability to complete him won’t be there when Sehun needs him, and there’ll be no one blame but he himself.
Sehun’s bleeding heart clenches in his chest, and an involuntary sob escapes him, a sound of utmost loss and despair. Agony and anguish.
Yixing reaches out a trembling hand towards the younger. Sehun-ah, why are you doing this? Talk to me. Please.
The sound of Yixing’s broken and hoarse voice proves too much for Sehun to handle. He steps back, shaking his head slowly as tears run freely from the dark pools of his eyes.
I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry. Yixing hyung, I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. Don’t forgive me, don’t remember me. Forget me and be happy.
And then he runs.
Runs out of the door, runs away from Yixing, runs away from the only boy he has ever loved, and the only person he will ever love.
Sehun runs. Away from his happiness.
-
Yixing sinks numbly to the ground, his heart shattering into a million little pieces. He stares with red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks at the open door. Pulling his knees close to his chest, he hugs them tightly and whispers into the air - the still and silent air.
Come back. If you’re sorry, come back. Come back Sehun, come back to me.
A sudden gust of wind flows into the room and tips over a photo frame. It falls from its place on the top of the piano to its death - its untimely death.
Beneath the broken glass pieces lay a picture of Sehun and Yixing sporting matching silly grins, beaming widely and unreservedly with arms around each other, into the camera lens.
-
Sehun stares at the black screen of his phone, heart aching and tears on his face. He lets out a shaky breath, and punches in a number. The line connects and the other end picks up. Sehun inhales deeply, steeling himself for what he’s about to do.
What the fuck man. It’s 11.43 on a fucking Saturday morning. Who gave you the permission to wake me up at such an ungodly hour?
Sehun smiles slightly at his best friend’s disgruntled voice. Hey yourself, Jongin. Rise and shine.
Rise and shine my butt, he hears Jongin mumble before there’s the sound of him clearing his throat. Dude, why do you sound like you’ve been crying? Did something happen?
Fresh tears spring unbidden to the edges of Sehun’s eyes as his chest constricts painfully. He rapidly shakes his head and only when he hears an uncertain Sehun? in his ear does he realize rather belatedly that the other boy cannot see him over the phone.
N-no, nothing’s wrong. I-I wasn’t crying.
You’re a shit liar, Oh Sehun. Now tell me what’s wrong, and don’t you dare say nothing. Or so help me I will smack the crap out of you when we meet.
The younger boy hiccups softly at his friend’s language. Jongin had such a foul mouth, scowling scornfully at almost everything. But Sehun knows for a fact that the guy actually possessed a blindingly beautiful soul, and that his bitter exterior was only a façade, a mask to protect the fragile sensitivity. Sehun is one of the very few people to have the ability to get past that shield. He considers himself to be extremely lucky in that sense. He trusted Jongin, trusts him almost more than he trusted himself, and that strong trust has led him to believe that Jongin was the only person he can pass his task to. Jongin won’t fail him.
Brushing his tears away, Sehun takes in a deep breath and speaks into the phone - willing his voice not to shake too much. Listen, Jongin. I- I need you to do me a favor.
Sure man, anything. Sehun hears the soft rustling of bed sheets as Jongin makes to sit up. Are you feeling alright? Do you need me to go to your place? Isn’t Xing with you?
Clapping his free hand over his mouth, Sehun bites down on his tongue as he feels a scream tearing its way out of his throat. Just the mere mention of Yixing’s name has him in so much pain - like jagged ice shards piercing into his dying heart. Sehun feels as if he’s drowning in a sea of anguish, an ocean of pain. The tidal waves mercilessly crashing down on him, swallowing him whole, engulfing and eating him alive.
Dude? You there?
Shoving away all pretenses of being fine, Sehun tightens his hold on his phone and chokes desperately into the device.
Jongin. Promise me; promise me you’ll look after Yixing. Make sure he eats and drinks enough, remind him if he forgets. And also - and also -
What the hell are you saying man? There’s a note of panic in Jongin’s voice. Sehun, where the fuck are you?
Promise me you’ll take care of him. Buy him the snacks he likes, cuddle with him under the blankets, and tell him that he’s beautiful. Tell him you love him more than anything else in the world. Make him smile, make him laugh -
Sehun-
Make him happy! Sehun shouts, voice rising and breaking from the onslaught of emotions. Make him feel loved and - and- never ever leave him. Don’t make him cry. Promise me Jongin, promise me.
There’s a short silence before Jongin says - voice soft and pleading. What are you doing, my friend?
The younger male pauses for what seems like an eternity before parting his trembling lips.
I’m returning him to you. Don’t leave him, Jongin, please.
Sehun ends the call.
And flings his phone across the room in frustration. The device hits a wall with a resounding crack. Throwing his head back, Sehun lets out a scream. He screams out, long and hard, till his voice breaks and goes hoarse, till he feels his vocal chords tear and bleed.
As his scream tapers off into heart-wrenching sobs, as silence and bleakness start to surround and fill him, he feels a hand on his shoulder and a quiet Sehun.
The young man whips his head around. Lu Han. I didn’t know you were here. He sniffs. How long have you been around?
Lu Han sends a small smile and a slight shrug in Sehun’s direction. I was here all along. You were just too uhm, preoccupied to notice. Not that I blame you of course.
When Sehun remains silent, he continues softly. It must have hurt so much.
Hurts more than having your body burnt by flames a thousand times over. Hurts more than having your skin peeled off your flesh inch by fucking inch, Sehun whispers - looking at his fingers with a strange glint in his eyes. Fucking hurts like hell, that’s what.
Lu Han squeezes Sehun’s shoulder lightly. And you’re absolutely positive that you want to do this? It’s still not too late if -
The younger male raises his head slowly. He’ll die if I don’t do it, won’t he?
Yes. Zhang Yixing will die.
In that case, I won’t regret my decision. There’s a spark of steely determination in Sehun’s brown orbs. Yixing hyung cannot die yet. I won’t let him.
Lu Han snorts. And who do you think you are? What makes you think you can -
I’m doing it aren’t I? I’m preventing him from dying, Sehun cuts him off quietly with a wry grin at the corners of his lips.
There’s a short stretch of silence, then -
Alright fine, so your great self-sacrificing act keeps him alive. Zhang Yixing lives, but he’ll be without you, he’ll be broken. You’re okay with that?
Sehun looks at Lu Han and says simply, confidently. Jongin will be there for him.
And you think that Kim Jongin will somehow be able to heal Zhang Yixing? Lu Han frowns lightly. Why are you so sure of it?
Sehun smiles - just a small quirk of the lips, but a genuine smile nonetheless. Faith, Lu Han, faith.
The elder rolls his eyes and scoffs softly. Humans.
Well, he shrugs, if you’re sure then. You have one more day. Do you want to see him for a final time?
Reaching into his back pocket for his wallet, Sehun flips it open and stares longingly at a photograph of a sound asleep Yixing nestled snugly in his arms, in Sehun’s arms.
He reaches out his fingers to ghost over the image, trying to burn it into his mind and the back of his eyelids.
That won’t be necessary, he says in a soft but steady voice. Saying goodbye once was hard enough, I don’t think I could do it for the second time.
Sehun looks over his shoulder when he doesn’t hear a response from Lu Han.
The older man isn’t there, vanishing tendrils and wisps of grey smoke in his place.
**
- /rolls all over the floor/ i really really liked this ^^ cant say the same for everything i've written so :D :D :D
- also, i'm also quite happy that i have not lost my spikes :) i've been writing fluff and only fluff for quite a while so i'm genuinely pleased and relieved that i can still write angst that brings tears to /my own/ eyes as i was writing.
- okay i'll shut up now. comment? o(^^)o
also! come say hello on twitter and/or ask.fm ♥