Fic - Be Myself
Title: Be Myself
Author: prehistoriccat
Rating: NC17
Character/Pairings: Connor/Abby
Genre: Angst, Romance, future!fic
Disclaimer: Not mine, no copyright is intended. The lyrics at the beginning and end of the fic are from "Let me be myself." by 3 Doors Down
A/N: This is a birthday fic for the wonderful evenstar_estel She wanted: "Five years after the end of Series 5. (smut ensues if you're so inclined)" So I hope this fulfills and you like it *g* Any references to what happened at the climax of series 5 is purely speculation on my part.
“I guess I just got lost being someone else,
I tried to kill the pain, nothing ever helped,
I left myself behind somewhere along the way,
Hoping to come back around to find myself someday.”
Connor sat in his car, facing the entrance of the building opposite. If Abby knew he was here, she would be yelling and screaming at him. After everything that had happened, she'd made him promise that he would never come back if he valued their relationship.
He had tried to stay away, and it was easy for the first 18 months. The memories of that dreadful day were still fresh; the pain still raw. They had almost lost everything; including each other, and they were both determined to put all of that behind them and live the life they both deserved. Then as time wore on, wounds healed and Connor began to get restless. His 'safe' job at the local museum didn't challenge him and he only kept it on to bring in a regular wage whilst Abby completed her studies. Now the pull of his former life was getting increasingly stronger and he could no longer resist it.
The ARC still looked pretty much as it had back then, and sitting here took him right back - almost as if nothing had happened and he was just waiting for Abby to come out so they could go home. The vehicles he'd seen coming and going had become sleeker and upgraded with each year, but they still had the trademark blacked out windows and gave the impression that something mysterious was happening. The only notable difference was that all trace of Prospero had been removed. He decided that was a good thing. Lessons had definitely been learnt.
Connor had been coming back twice a year on two specific dates - ones that were forever etched into his mind. The first was the anniversary of the day he and Abby had reappeared through that anomaly from the Cretaceous. He had conflicting emotions about that day - on one hand there was the elation at finally getting back home after a whole year, and on the other the realisation that it was the start of everything going wrong. Even now, his stomach lurched as he thought about Philip Burton introducing himself, and how he had been so excited that he would be working with one of his heroes. The second day was the anniversary of the day everything had almost ended - and today was that day. Exactly five years ago he had stood trembling with a still smoking gun in his hand staring at Philip Burton lying in a pool of his own blood.
They had called him a hero. According to Matt, Connor had just prevented the greatest disaster the modern world would have ever known. It was almost ironic, considering that it was his invention that would have caused the disaster in the first place. He should've listened to Abby from the start; it would never have got to that point if he had.
Connor knew anomalies still occurred, although they were relatively rare now. The ADD he had set up in the loft of the house he and Abby had bought with all their back pay went off maybe two or three times a month. At first it was just a habit he couldn't break, but then he started mapping where they occurred and surfing the internet for reports of creatures in those areas. He kept it all from Abby, she thought he was researching for new exhibits at the museum.
Now he was sat outside the ARC, wishing he was inside and back in the thick of it.
-o-
Abby couldn't quite believe what she was seeing on the screen in front of her. It seemed she was right to be suspicious of Connor. For some time now, she had known he had an ADD in the office space he had created in the loft. He had tried to disguise it as part of his computer equipment, but Abby was not an idiot. She had known Connor for almost 10 years old now, four of those as his wife, and she just knew he was up to something. It wasn't that she was spying on him - she'd done enough of that five years ago when Matt had asked her to find out what the project was that Burton had him working on - but she needed to know if he really was tracking anomalies so that she could rescue him from himself if she had to.
The notes scattered across his desk concerned her. He wasn't just monitoring anomaly activity and browsing the internet as a hobby - it was almost like he was working for the ARC again. The significance of today's date was not lost on her either. Five years ago she had stood between Connor and Matt, not knowing where her loyalties should lie. Matt had told her about the world he had come from and what had caused it, but she refused to believe it was Connor's fault. Burton had Connor completely under his thumb and right up until he'd activated that first anomaly, Connor believed that what they were doing was something for the greater good. Shooting Burton had rocked Connor to his very core and he had sunk into a depression she almost feared he would never recover from. It had been a very dark time, and she had been on the verge of leaving him on more than one occasion- so she couldn't understand why he was risking going back to all that now.
His mobile phone was going straight to voicemail, which meant he did not want to be disturbed. Angrily throwing her phone onto the desk, Abby stood up and shook her head in disbelief. “What are you doing, Connor?” She had a vague idea where he was and unless she had this out with him now, it could be the end of their marriage.
-o-
Abby felt a wave of nausea sweep over her as she turned the corner and could see the ARC in front of her. It used to feel like a safe haven, but the events of five years ago had sullied that. Connor's car was parked facing the entrance, and she could see him sitting inside staring at the building. She'd been right; it wasn't just a hobby. She parked beside him and he glanced over. The look of horror on his face when he realised it was her said it all.
She got out of her car and stood by the passenger door of Connor's, stern faced and hands on hips. The electric lock clicked, and she opened the door. Without a word, she climbed into the passenger seat and stared ahead.
After a long and awkward silence, Connor spoke. “I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing here?”
“No, not really,” Abby snapped. “I know exactly why you're here. Did you think I wouldn't know what that device was in your office? Did you think I wouldn't realise what all the notes on your desk were?”
Connor sighed, and chewed his bottom lip. “I'm sorry.” His eyes dipped to look at his feet; he couldn't look at her, he feared that her eyes would be filled with hate and he couldn't bare that thought.
“When were you planning to tell me? Tomorrow? Next week? Or were you going to wait until Lester turned up on my doorstep to tell me that you're...” Abby swallowed down a sob. “I can't believe we're sitting here even having this conversation after everything that happened!”
“I started coming here not long after we got married; about a week after you told me you were pregnant with Nicola,” Connor began. He sniffed and blinked back tears. “I felt like my life was spiralling out of control. I was scared, Abby! I needed to find an anchor, something familiar... and I somehow ended up here.”
Abby reached for his hand. “We were both scared, Connor.”
“I know.” He curled his fingers into Abby's but he still couldn't look at her. “But you dealt with your fears by talking to other new mums and your counsellor. Who could I turn to? I don't have a father that I could get advice from, and the closest thing I had to family was in this building.”
“Why didn't you tell me?” Abby whispered. “I could have helped put your mind at rest. You've been an amazing father to Nicola - she adores her daddy and when I watch the two of you...”
“I couldn't tell you that I didn't think I could do it, could I? I knew you had enough of your own demons to deal with without me burdening you with mine. I thought that maybe you'd be better off doing it on your own.” Connor felt his face burning. He'd never admitted to Abby that he'd been so afraid of being a bad father that he'd almost walked away completely.
“What?” Abby was shocked. She put her hand to his cheek and forced him to turn and face her. “How could you even think that?”
“It doesn't matter now. Being here helped, I remembered who I was and what was important. It was only when I got home that I realised that the date was the anniversary of us coming through the anomaly.” He shifted nervously in his seat. “That's when I began to get restless. The person I really am isn't the person I'm pretending to be now.”
Connor's words hung in the air as Abby tried to digest them. “I thought you were happy,” she said, barely able to get the words out. “I thought you liked being a husband and a father. Are you saying that you don't want that?”
“No, Abby! That isn't what I'm saying! I love you, and Nicola is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's just that being back at the ARC made me realise that I'm not someone who can sit in an office all day or give guided tours around exhibits for people whose knowledge of prehistory goes no further than some stupid Stephen Spielberg film!” He slammed his hand against the window in frustration making Abby jump. She'd never seen him this wound up before and she certainly had no idea that he was this unhappy.
“Come with me,” she finally said, tugging at his hand. “Get in my car, I have an idea.” Puzzled, Connor followed Abby and got into the passenger seat of her car. They drove for about twenty minutes out into the suburbs near to where they lived in absolute silence. Abby was trying desperately not to let out the tears she could feel prickling her eyes; if this didn't work then she didn't know how she could hold on to Connor.
She pulled up outside the small private nursery that young Nicola attended three afternoons a week. Abby had felt that it was important for Nicola to learn how to socialise with other children; a decision that had surprised Connor. Abby had refused to let Nicola out of her sight in the first few months because she feared that something would happen to her.
It was a warm, sunny afternoon and the children were all outside playing. Abby took Connor's hand and led him to the fence so that they could see the playground. Nicola was sitting in the sandpit with one of the nursery nurses. Her white blonde curls bobbed in the breeze as her head moved, and her large sapphire blue eyes sparkled in the light. She was almost a clone of Abby, except for the dimple in her cheeks when she smiled or laughed - she had inherited that from Connor. “She's beautiful isn't she?” Abby commented. “Do you remember why we called her Nicola?”
Connor nodded. “We named her after Professor Cutter.”
“Yes. We named her after someone we cared about deeply and lost because of those bloody anomalies!” Abby spat. She watched Connor, looking for some kind of reaction. He was gripping the wire mesh of the fence, focussing on Nicola who was now sitting with another little girl digging in the sand. Abby continued. “And do you remember that conversation a few months ago? The one where we discussed the possibility of a brother or sister for her?”
“Yes!” Connor hissed angrily. “We said we'd name it Stephen if it was a boy and Stephanie if it was a girl!”
“Someone else we lost because of the anomalies.”
Abby took Connor's hand and pulled him away from the fence. They went through the gate into the playground, and as soon as Nicola saw them she squealed with delight and came running over to them shouting, “Mummy! Daddy!” Connor scooped her up into his arms and held her tightly.
“Hello, Pumpkin!” Connor felt tears on his cheeks, and Nicola put her tiny hand on his face.
“Why you crying, Daddy? Are you sad?”
“It's OK, sweetheart. Give me a hug.” Connor wrapped his arms around her tiny body, and Nicola giggled, snuggling against him. The rush of love he felt almost overwhelmed him and he turned to Abby to take Nicola from him whilst he composed himself, but she wasn't there. His eyes searched the playground for her until he spotted her talking to the teacher. A few moments later, Abby came back over.
“We're taking Nicola home early,” Abby said firmly. “I think we need some time all together as a family. We have to get some perspective back.” Connor nodded, and followed her back to the car, clutching the still giggling Nicola tightly in his arms.
-o-
The afternoon was spent playing with Nicola. They fed the ducks in the park, ate ice-cream and had a picnic on the grass. When they got home, Connor was made to crawl around the floor on all fours whilst Nicola sat on his back - daddy was her horse and she was the princess. Connor had a few minutes to recover whilst Abby bathed her and got her into her pyjamas, and then Nicola demanded that daddy read her a story before she went to sleep.
Abby watched them through the crack in the open door. Connor had his arms around her, and was talking softly. There was no book in his hands; Connor always made up stories for Nicola. He could conjure up wonderful images of fantasy lands, and he would do silly voices for each character. Abby could never quite match up to his storytelling, and virtually every night Nicola wanted one of daddy's stories. Abby felt her throat tighten; it was almost unthinkable that Connor had had doubts about being a good father.
About twenty minutes later, Connor came back into the lounge. “She wants you to kiss her goodnight, “ he said softly.
Abby smiled, and went into the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed, pulling the duvet up around Nicola's body and leaned in to kiss her. “Mummy,” Nicola began. “Daddy's sad.”
Abby stroked her hair. “I know, but don't worry. I think you helped to make him feel a little better this afternoon. He loves you; we both do.”
“I'll make him a picture,” Nicola decided. “Do you think that will make him happy?”
“I'm sure it will, Pumpkin. He'll love it. Now, close your eyes and sleep tight.” Abby kissed the tiny girl's cheek and crept out of the room. Before going into the lounge, she took a deep breath to compose herself. If Connor couldn't hide his unease from Nicola, then it must be more serious than she had thought. Obviously reminding him of those they had lost, and making him realise what a great father he is had not worked. Another tactic was needed.
Connor was on the sofa, thumbing through the TV magazine. He wasn't reading it, but he just needed to try and focus on something that wasn't this awkward situation. Abby sat beside him and he felt her head rest on his shoulder. “Let's go to bed,” she whispered.
“It's only 7.30, it's still light outside!”
“I didn't mean to sleep,” Abby purred. Connor raised his eyebrows, suddenly realising what she meant. Abby stood up and held out her hand, gazing seductively into Connor's eyes. “I want my husband to make love to me.”
Connor took her hand and allowed Abby to lead him into their bedroom. He could never resist her, especially when she looked at him through half opened eyes like she was now. Her cheeks were already flushed, and he felt his jeans tighten. She pulled him into her embrace; seeking his lips with hers and sighing softly as he relaxed against her.
They sank onto the bed, tangling together as their kiss deepened and grew more heated. Abby slid her hand underneath Connor's t-shirt to gently stroke the fine strip of hair on his stomach and his breath hitched. She was getting the reaction she wanted, and was willing to take the lead - for the moment anyway. This was going to be about reminding him who he really was, and if she dominated it wouldn't work. She tugged at the hem of the t-shirt and he realised what she wanted, breaking their kiss so that he could help her pull it off over his head.
The years had not changed his physique. He was still the slim and slightly muscular man he was five years ago, except now it was down to a strict regime of kick-boxing, swimming and yoga; something they'd both decided to do together when Abby needed to get back into shape after giving birth. Abby knew every inch of his body intimately, from the dimple on his cheek when he laughed and the curve of his throat, to the taut muscles of his stomach and his strong thighs. At some point she had kissed every single part of him, and she never tired of just touching him and feeling his warm skin against hers. She let one hand trace a line slowly down his torso, and used her other hand to guide his hand to where she wanted it.
Connor took the hint and grew bolder. He unfastened the fiddly buttons on her blouse and slid it from her shoulders, and then he removed her bra in one swift, well-practised move. Abby rolled onto her back, pulling Connor on top of her and urging him closer. Her skin tingled as he brushed against her; his body hot to the touch. Curling her arms around him, she whispered, “Make love to me, Connor. I want you.”
Connor nodded and swallowed down a sob. He buried his face in the nape of her neck and shoulder, breathing in the scent that was his Abby. Abby knew he was fighting tears, and usually she would be taking him into her arms to comfort him, or maybe move into his lap and guide him; but not tonight. He had to figure this out for himself. When she felt his trembling hands fumbling at her waistband, she wondered if she should help him out. It had been a long time since Connor had been this nervous around her and that was worrying. She took hold of his wrist to steady him, and stroked his face. “It's fine, Connor. It's only me.”
“I love you so much, Abby!” he breathed, staring right into her eyes and sinking deeply into her gaze.
“Show me.”
Together they slid Abby's jeans off, tossing them aside and then Connor leaned down to kiss her stomach. She tangled her fingers into his hair, playing absently with the loose curls at the nape of his neck as she felt his warm breath on her skin. His soft butterfly kisses sent tiny, pleasant shivers through her; her body already anticipating what was to come.
Connor shifted between her parted thighs, continuing his soft kisses until he reached her wet core. His tongue laved her and Abby let out a gasp, her back arching. With a sigh, his fingertips parted her folds and he sucked hungrily on her swollen clit whilst his fingers eased slowly in and out of her. Abby closed her eyes and lost herself in the moment; to think that Connor had never done this to a woman before the Cretaceous seemed impossible. He had become extremely skilled with his nimble fingers and probing tongue and knew exactly how to bring her right to the edge within just a few moments. She was there now; breathing hard, hips writhing involuntarily with his movements and his name tripping almost silently from her lips as he pleasured her and tipped her over the edge.
As Abby began to recover, Connor sat up and unfastened his jeans. Abby watched intently; fixing her gaze on his long fingers. He wriggled out of his jeans and underwear, and grasped his erection in his hand, moving it up and down the hard shaft with firm, steady strokes. Abby moved closer, and he took her hand in his, guiding her to the pace he wanted - needed. Her lips slid over the tip and she flicked her tongue over it; tasting him. Connor whimpered and pushed her away; it was too much.
“I'm too close, Abby,” he breathed. “I just want to...”
“Whatever you want, Connor.” She gazed up into his dark, sad eyes. “I'm yours.”
He eased her back onto the bed, almost crushing her beneath him as he settled between her slender thighs. He'd given up fighting his tears and was just letting them flow freely down his cheeks. It was breaking Abby's heart to see him so unhappy, but she knew that the fact he was crying meant he was finally letting it all out.
Moving together slowly at first, their limbs tangled and caressed each other; mouths mashed together in a hot, wet kiss. Suddenly, Connor thrust down hard and deep; so hard it almost hurt. Abby let out a pained cry, gripping Connor's back. She heard him growl from somewhere within his very soul and he thrust into her again. His face twisted, and Abby sensed he had moved from the pain of not knowing who he was to anger and frustration. She cried out again but found the sensations of pain and pleasure merging into one was amazing. It had been some time since their lovemaking had been this intense; maybe it was because Connor had been hiding inside himself for so long and was now - finally - letting out his true self.
Connor's release seemed to rock him right to his core. He sobbed uncontrollably as his hips bucked wildly against Abby's, filling her and seeking her mouth to anchor him. Abby finally allowed herself to comfort him, holding him tightly against her heaving body and enveloping him with her arms; soothing him with soft whispers and declarations of love.
He cried for several minutes; his body tense and shaking - quite where all this emotion had come from he didn't know, but it felt like a huge weight was lifting from his shoulders. He should have told Abby long before now that he had lost his way; she would have guided him back just like she had today. When he finally withdrew from her and broke their connection, he felt renewed - alive.
Abby gazed up at his face, blackened with the stains of his tears and the sweat from their lovemaking. “I love you, Connor Temple, and don't you ever forget that!”
They curled into each other's arms, melting into one. Sleep came easily for Connor; he was exhausted both physically and mentally, but Abby still had something on her mind. There was still a matter that needed to be resolved before it tore them completely apart. His soft, steady breathing comforted her to an extent - he was here and he had let go of everything that was eating him up, but if the other matter was not dealt with it would all explode again; and maybe next time they wouldn't be able to repair it. She had already used every single piece of ammunition she had in her arsenal, and there really was only one thing Abby had left.
-o-
As they stirred in the soft glow of the early morning sun that was peeping through the crack in the curtains, they snuggled together. “Good morning!” Connor whispered, stroking Abby's cheek and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Morning!” she whispered back, and placed a soft, lingering kiss to his lips. “How are you feeling?”
“Better. I'm glad it's all out in the open now.”
Abby nodded. She knew she had to say it now, before she lost her nerve. Connor would always do what he thought she wanted, even if it made him unhappy. It was time she backed down; made the same sacrifices that he had been doing for her. “Connor,” she swallowed nervously. “If going back to the ARC is what you really want, then I won't stand in your way.”
“What?” Connor's eyes lit up, but he didn't quite dare believe what he'd just heard.
“If continuing Cutter's work is what will make you truly happy again, then that's what you should do.”
Connor hugged her tightly, his grin as wide as his face. “It'll be different this time, I promise! No side projects, no crazy stunts. Just pure research and absolute focus.”
“I know,” Abby said softly. She gazed lovingly into his eyes, knowing she had done the right thing. She saw a spark there that had been missing for a considerable time and that meant more than the world to her.
Nicola was shouting for “mummy” from her bedroom, interrupting Abby's thoughts. “I'll go and get her out of bed and get some breakfast going.”
“I'll be out in a minute.” Connor kissed Abby's cheek and watched her wrap her dressing gown around herself before she disappeared through the door to attend to their daughter. He stared into the empty space and sighed happily.
For the first time in five years, he finally knew who he was. He was Connor Temple; lover, husband, father... and the man who would finally figure out how to stop the anomalies and prevent the deaths of more innocent people.
“That's all I've ever wanted from this world, is to let me be me”
Author: prehistoriccat
Rating: NC17
Character/Pairings: Connor/Abby
Genre: Angst, Romance, future!fic
Disclaimer: Not mine, no copyright is intended. The lyrics at the beginning and end of the fic are from "Let me be myself." by 3 Doors Down
A/N: This is a birthday fic for the wonderful evenstar_estel She wanted: "Five years after the end of Series 5. (smut ensues if you're so inclined)" So I hope this fulfills and you like it *g* Any references to what happened at the climax of series 5 is purely speculation on my part.
“I guess I just got lost being someone else,
I tried to kill the pain, nothing ever helped,
I left myself behind somewhere along the way,
Hoping to come back around to find myself someday.”
Connor sat in his car, facing the entrance of the building opposite. If Abby knew he was here, she would be yelling and screaming at him. After everything that had happened, she'd made him promise that he would never come back if he valued their relationship.
He had tried to stay away, and it was easy for the first 18 months. The memories of that dreadful day were still fresh; the pain still raw. They had almost lost everything; including each other, and they were both determined to put all of that behind them and live the life they both deserved. Then as time wore on, wounds healed and Connor began to get restless. His 'safe' job at the local museum didn't challenge him and he only kept it on to bring in a regular wage whilst Abby completed her studies. Now the pull of his former life was getting increasingly stronger and he could no longer resist it.
The ARC still looked pretty much as it had back then, and sitting here took him right back - almost as if nothing had happened and he was just waiting for Abby to come out so they could go home. The vehicles he'd seen coming and going had become sleeker and upgraded with each year, but they still had the trademark blacked out windows and gave the impression that something mysterious was happening. The only notable difference was that all trace of Prospero had been removed. He decided that was a good thing. Lessons had definitely been learnt.
Connor had been coming back twice a year on two specific dates - ones that were forever etched into his mind. The first was the anniversary of the day he and Abby had reappeared through that anomaly from the Cretaceous. He had conflicting emotions about that day - on one hand there was the elation at finally getting back home after a whole year, and on the other the realisation that it was the start of everything going wrong. Even now, his stomach lurched as he thought about Philip Burton introducing himself, and how he had been so excited that he would be working with one of his heroes. The second day was the anniversary of the day everything had almost ended - and today was that day. Exactly five years ago he had stood trembling with a still smoking gun in his hand staring at Philip Burton lying in a pool of his own blood.
They had called him a hero. According to Matt, Connor had just prevented the greatest disaster the modern world would have ever known. It was almost ironic, considering that it was his invention that would have caused the disaster in the first place. He should've listened to Abby from the start; it would never have got to that point if he had.
Connor knew anomalies still occurred, although they were relatively rare now. The ADD he had set up in the loft of the house he and Abby had bought with all their back pay went off maybe two or three times a month. At first it was just a habit he couldn't break, but then he started mapping where they occurred and surfing the internet for reports of creatures in those areas. He kept it all from Abby, she thought he was researching for new exhibits at the museum.
Now he was sat outside the ARC, wishing he was inside and back in the thick of it.
-o-
Abby couldn't quite believe what she was seeing on the screen in front of her. It seemed she was right to be suspicious of Connor. For some time now, she had known he had an ADD in the office space he had created in the loft. He had tried to disguise it as part of his computer equipment, but Abby was not an idiot. She had known Connor for almost 10 years old now, four of those as his wife, and she just knew he was up to something. It wasn't that she was spying on him - she'd done enough of that five years ago when Matt had asked her to find out what the project was that Burton had him working on - but she needed to know if he really was tracking anomalies so that she could rescue him from himself if she had to.
The notes scattered across his desk concerned her. He wasn't just monitoring anomaly activity and browsing the internet as a hobby - it was almost like he was working for the ARC again. The significance of today's date was not lost on her either. Five years ago she had stood between Connor and Matt, not knowing where her loyalties should lie. Matt had told her about the world he had come from and what had caused it, but she refused to believe it was Connor's fault. Burton had Connor completely under his thumb and right up until he'd activated that first anomaly, Connor believed that what they were doing was something for the greater good. Shooting Burton had rocked Connor to his very core and he had sunk into a depression she almost feared he would never recover from. It had been a very dark time, and she had been on the verge of leaving him on more than one occasion- so she couldn't understand why he was risking going back to all that now.
His mobile phone was going straight to voicemail, which meant he did not want to be disturbed. Angrily throwing her phone onto the desk, Abby stood up and shook her head in disbelief. “What are you doing, Connor?” She had a vague idea where he was and unless she had this out with him now, it could be the end of their marriage.
-o-
Abby felt a wave of nausea sweep over her as she turned the corner and could see the ARC in front of her. It used to feel like a safe haven, but the events of five years ago had sullied that. Connor's car was parked facing the entrance, and she could see him sitting inside staring at the building. She'd been right; it wasn't just a hobby. She parked beside him and he glanced over. The look of horror on his face when he realised it was her said it all.
She got out of her car and stood by the passenger door of Connor's, stern faced and hands on hips. The electric lock clicked, and she opened the door. Without a word, she climbed into the passenger seat and stared ahead.
After a long and awkward silence, Connor spoke. “I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing here?”
“No, not really,” Abby snapped. “I know exactly why you're here. Did you think I wouldn't know what that device was in your office? Did you think I wouldn't realise what all the notes on your desk were?”
Connor sighed, and chewed his bottom lip. “I'm sorry.” His eyes dipped to look at his feet; he couldn't look at her, he feared that her eyes would be filled with hate and he couldn't bare that thought.
“When were you planning to tell me? Tomorrow? Next week? Or were you going to wait until Lester turned up on my doorstep to tell me that you're...” Abby swallowed down a sob. “I can't believe we're sitting here even having this conversation after everything that happened!”
“I started coming here not long after we got married; about a week after you told me you were pregnant with Nicola,” Connor began. He sniffed and blinked back tears. “I felt like my life was spiralling out of control. I was scared, Abby! I needed to find an anchor, something familiar... and I somehow ended up here.”
Abby reached for his hand. “We were both scared, Connor.”
“I know.” He curled his fingers into Abby's but he still couldn't look at her. “But you dealt with your fears by talking to other new mums and your counsellor. Who could I turn to? I don't have a father that I could get advice from, and the closest thing I had to family was in this building.”
“Why didn't you tell me?” Abby whispered. “I could have helped put your mind at rest. You've been an amazing father to Nicola - she adores her daddy and when I watch the two of you...”
“I couldn't tell you that I didn't think I could do it, could I? I knew you had enough of your own demons to deal with without me burdening you with mine. I thought that maybe you'd be better off doing it on your own.” Connor felt his face burning. He'd never admitted to Abby that he'd been so afraid of being a bad father that he'd almost walked away completely.
“What?” Abby was shocked. She put her hand to his cheek and forced him to turn and face her. “How could you even think that?”
“It doesn't matter now. Being here helped, I remembered who I was and what was important. It was only when I got home that I realised that the date was the anniversary of us coming through the anomaly.” He shifted nervously in his seat. “That's when I began to get restless. The person I really am isn't the person I'm pretending to be now.”
Connor's words hung in the air as Abby tried to digest them. “I thought you were happy,” she said, barely able to get the words out. “I thought you liked being a husband and a father. Are you saying that you don't want that?”
“No, Abby! That isn't what I'm saying! I love you, and Nicola is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's just that being back at the ARC made me realise that I'm not someone who can sit in an office all day or give guided tours around exhibits for people whose knowledge of prehistory goes no further than some stupid Stephen Spielberg film!” He slammed his hand against the window in frustration making Abby jump. She'd never seen him this wound up before and she certainly had no idea that he was this unhappy.
“Come with me,” she finally said, tugging at his hand. “Get in my car, I have an idea.” Puzzled, Connor followed Abby and got into the passenger seat of her car. They drove for about twenty minutes out into the suburbs near to where they lived in absolute silence. Abby was trying desperately not to let out the tears she could feel prickling her eyes; if this didn't work then she didn't know how she could hold on to Connor.
She pulled up outside the small private nursery that young Nicola attended three afternoons a week. Abby had felt that it was important for Nicola to learn how to socialise with other children; a decision that had surprised Connor. Abby had refused to let Nicola out of her sight in the first few months because she feared that something would happen to her.
It was a warm, sunny afternoon and the children were all outside playing. Abby took Connor's hand and led him to the fence so that they could see the playground. Nicola was sitting in the sandpit with one of the nursery nurses. Her white blonde curls bobbed in the breeze as her head moved, and her large sapphire blue eyes sparkled in the light. She was almost a clone of Abby, except for the dimple in her cheeks when she smiled or laughed - she had inherited that from Connor. “She's beautiful isn't she?” Abby commented. “Do you remember why we called her Nicola?”
Connor nodded. “We named her after Professor Cutter.”
“Yes. We named her after someone we cared about deeply and lost because of those bloody anomalies!” Abby spat. She watched Connor, looking for some kind of reaction. He was gripping the wire mesh of the fence, focussing on Nicola who was now sitting with another little girl digging in the sand. Abby continued. “And do you remember that conversation a few months ago? The one where we discussed the possibility of a brother or sister for her?”
“Yes!” Connor hissed angrily. “We said we'd name it Stephen if it was a boy and Stephanie if it was a girl!”
“Someone else we lost because of the anomalies.”
Abby took Connor's hand and pulled him away from the fence. They went through the gate into the playground, and as soon as Nicola saw them she squealed with delight and came running over to them shouting, “Mummy! Daddy!” Connor scooped her up into his arms and held her tightly.
“Hello, Pumpkin!” Connor felt tears on his cheeks, and Nicola put her tiny hand on his face.
“Why you crying, Daddy? Are you sad?”
“It's OK, sweetheart. Give me a hug.” Connor wrapped his arms around her tiny body, and Nicola giggled, snuggling against him. The rush of love he felt almost overwhelmed him and he turned to Abby to take Nicola from him whilst he composed himself, but she wasn't there. His eyes searched the playground for her until he spotted her talking to the teacher. A few moments later, Abby came back over.
“We're taking Nicola home early,” Abby said firmly. “I think we need some time all together as a family. We have to get some perspective back.” Connor nodded, and followed her back to the car, clutching the still giggling Nicola tightly in his arms.
-o-
The afternoon was spent playing with Nicola. They fed the ducks in the park, ate ice-cream and had a picnic on the grass. When they got home, Connor was made to crawl around the floor on all fours whilst Nicola sat on his back - daddy was her horse and she was the princess. Connor had a few minutes to recover whilst Abby bathed her and got her into her pyjamas, and then Nicola demanded that daddy read her a story before she went to sleep.
Abby watched them through the crack in the open door. Connor had his arms around her, and was talking softly. There was no book in his hands; Connor always made up stories for Nicola. He could conjure up wonderful images of fantasy lands, and he would do silly voices for each character. Abby could never quite match up to his storytelling, and virtually every night Nicola wanted one of daddy's stories. Abby felt her throat tighten; it was almost unthinkable that Connor had had doubts about being a good father.
About twenty minutes later, Connor came back into the lounge. “She wants you to kiss her goodnight, “ he said softly.
Abby smiled, and went into the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed, pulling the duvet up around Nicola's body and leaned in to kiss her. “Mummy,” Nicola began. “Daddy's sad.”
Abby stroked her hair. “I know, but don't worry. I think you helped to make him feel a little better this afternoon. He loves you; we both do.”
“I'll make him a picture,” Nicola decided. “Do you think that will make him happy?”
“I'm sure it will, Pumpkin. He'll love it. Now, close your eyes and sleep tight.” Abby kissed the tiny girl's cheek and crept out of the room. Before going into the lounge, she took a deep breath to compose herself. If Connor couldn't hide his unease from Nicola, then it must be more serious than she had thought. Obviously reminding him of those they had lost, and making him realise what a great father he is had not worked. Another tactic was needed.
Connor was on the sofa, thumbing through the TV magazine. He wasn't reading it, but he just needed to try and focus on something that wasn't this awkward situation. Abby sat beside him and he felt her head rest on his shoulder. “Let's go to bed,” she whispered.
“It's only 7.30, it's still light outside!”
“I didn't mean to sleep,” Abby purred. Connor raised his eyebrows, suddenly realising what she meant. Abby stood up and held out her hand, gazing seductively into Connor's eyes. “I want my husband to make love to me.”
Connor took her hand and allowed Abby to lead him into their bedroom. He could never resist her, especially when she looked at him through half opened eyes like she was now. Her cheeks were already flushed, and he felt his jeans tighten. She pulled him into her embrace; seeking his lips with hers and sighing softly as he relaxed against her.
They sank onto the bed, tangling together as their kiss deepened and grew more heated. Abby slid her hand underneath Connor's t-shirt to gently stroke the fine strip of hair on his stomach and his breath hitched. She was getting the reaction she wanted, and was willing to take the lead - for the moment anyway. This was going to be about reminding him who he really was, and if she dominated it wouldn't work. She tugged at the hem of the t-shirt and he realised what she wanted, breaking their kiss so that he could help her pull it off over his head.
The years had not changed his physique. He was still the slim and slightly muscular man he was five years ago, except now it was down to a strict regime of kick-boxing, swimming and yoga; something they'd both decided to do together when Abby needed to get back into shape after giving birth. Abby knew every inch of his body intimately, from the dimple on his cheek when he laughed and the curve of his throat, to the taut muscles of his stomach and his strong thighs. At some point she had kissed every single part of him, and she never tired of just touching him and feeling his warm skin against hers. She let one hand trace a line slowly down his torso, and used her other hand to guide his hand to where she wanted it.
Connor took the hint and grew bolder. He unfastened the fiddly buttons on her blouse and slid it from her shoulders, and then he removed her bra in one swift, well-practised move. Abby rolled onto her back, pulling Connor on top of her and urging him closer. Her skin tingled as he brushed against her; his body hot to the touch. Curling her arms around him, she whispered, “Make love to me, Connor. I want you.”
Connor nodded and swallowed down a sob. He buried his face in the nape of her neck and shoulder, breathing in the scent that was his Abby. Abby knew he was fighting tears, and usually she would be taking him into her arms to comfort him, or maybe move into his lap and guide him; but not tonight. He had to figure this out for himself. When she felt his trembling hands fumbling at her waistband, she wondered if she should help him out. It had been a long time since Connor had been this nervous around her and that was worrying. She took hold of his wrist to steady him, and stroked his face. “It's fine, Connor. It's only me.”
“I love you so much, Abby!” he breathed, staring right into her eyes and sinking deeply into her gaze.
“Show me.”
Together they slid Abby's jeans off, tossing them aside and then Connor leaned down to kiss her stomach. She tangled her fingers into his hair, playing absently with the loose curls at the nape of his neck as she felt his warm breath on her skin. His soft butterfly kisses sent tiny, pleasant shivers through her; her body already anticipating what was to come.
Connor shifted between her parted thighs, continuing his soft kisses until he reached her wet core. His tongue laved her and Abby let out a gasp, her back arching. With a sigh, his fingertips parted her folds and he sucked hungrily on her swollen clit whilst his fingers eased slowly in and out of her. Abby closed her eyes and lost herself in the moment; to think that Connor had never done this to a woman before the Cretaceous seemed impossible. He had become extremely skilled with his nimble fingers and probing tongue and knew exactly how to bring her right to the edge within just a few moments. She was there now; breathing hard, hips writhing involuntarily with his movements and his name tripping almost silently from her lips as he pleasured her and tipped her over the edge.
As Abby began to recover, Connor sat up and unfastened his jeans. Abby watched intently; fixing her gaze on his long fingers. He wriggled out of his jeans and underwear, and grasped his erection in his hand, moving it up and down the hard shaft with firm, steady strokes. Abby moved closer, and he took her hand in his, guiding her to the pace he wanted - needed. Her lips slid over the tip and she flicked her tongue over it; tasting him. Connor whimpered and pushed her away; it was too much.
“I'm too close, Abby,” he breathed. “I just want to...”
“Whatever you want, Connor.” She gazed up into his dark, sad eyes. “I'm yours.”
He eased her back onto the bed, almost crushing her beneath him as he settled between her slender thighs. He'd given up fighting his tears and was just letting them flow freely down his cheeks. It was breaking Abby's heart to see him so unhappy, but she knew that the fact he was crying meant he was finally letting it all out.
Moving together slowly at first, their limbs tangled and caressed each other; mouths mashed together in a hot, wet kiss. Suddenly, Connor thrust down hard and deep; so hard it almost hurt. Abby let out a pained cry, gripping Connor's back. She heard him growl from somewhere within his very soul and he thrust into her again. His face twisted, and Abby sensed he had moved from the pain of not knowing who he was to anger and frustration. She cried out again but found the sensations of pain and pleasure merging into one was amazing. It had been some time since their lovemaking had been this intense; maybe it was because Connor had been hiding inside himself for so long and was now - finally - letting out his true self.
Connor's release seemed to rock him right to his core. He sobbed uncontrollably as his hips bucked wildly against Abby's, filling her and seeking her mouth to anchor him. Abby finally allowed herself to comfort him, holding him tightly against her heaving body and enveloping him with her arms; soothing him with soft whispers and declarations of love.
He cried for several minutes; his body tense and shaking - quite where all this emotion had come from he didn't know, but it felt like a huge weight was lifting from his shoulders. He should have told Abby long before now that he had lost his way; she would have guided him back just like she had today. When he finally withdrew from her and broke their connection, he felt renewed - alive.
Abby gazed up at his face, blackened with the stains of his tears and the sweat from their lovemaking. “I love you, Connor Temple, and don't you ever forget that!”
They curled into each other's arms, melting into one. Sleep came easily for Connor; he was exhausted both physically and mentally, but Abby still had something on her mind. There was still a matter that needed to be resolved before it tore them completely apart. His soft, steady breathing comforted her to an extent - he was here and he had let go of everything that was eating him up, but if the other matter was not dealt with it would all explode again; and maybe next time they wouldn't be able to repair it. She had already used every single piece of ammunition she had in her arsenal, and there really was only one thing Abby had left.
-o-
As they stirred in the soft glow of the early morning sun that was peeping through the crack in the curtains, they snuggled together. “Good morning!” Connor whispered, stroking Abby's cheek and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Morning!” she whispered back, and placed a soft, lingering kiss to his lips. “How are you feeling?”
“Better. I'm glad it's all out in the open now.”
Abby nodded. She knew she had to say it now, before she lost her nerve. Connor would always do what he thought she wanted, even if it made him unhappy. It was time she backed down; made the same sacrifices that he had been doing for her. “Connor,” she swallowed nervously. “If going back to the ARC is what you really want, then I won't stand in your way.”
“What?” Connor's eyes lit up, but he didn't quite dare believe what he'd just heard.
“If continuing Cutter's work is what will make you truly happy again, then that's what you should do.”
Connor hugged her tightly, his grin as wide as his face. “It'll be different this time, I promise! No side projects, no crazy stunts. Just pure research and absolute focus.”
“I know,” Abby said softly. She gazed lovingly into his eyes, knowing she had done the right thing. She saw a spark there that had been missing for a considerable time and that meant more than the world to her.
Nicola was shouting for “mummy” from her bedroom, interrupting Abby's thoughts. “I'll go and get her out of bed and get some breakfast going.”
“I'll be out in a minute.” Connor kissed Abby's cheek and watched her wrap her dressing gown around herself before she disappeared through the door to attend to their daughter. He stared into the empty space and sighed happily.
For the first time in five years, he finally knew who he was. He was Connor Temple; lover, husband, father... and the man who would finally figure out how to stop the anomalies and prevent the deaths of more innocent people.
“That's all I've ever wanted from this world, is to let me be me”