[backdated]: closed to dean

[precognitioning]

The whole night is a blur. A messy, painful, bloody blur. Or not even the whole night; Sam remembers clearly enough going running, the first wolf coming at him and gutting it with the knife. It's a good knife, he still has it

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*cue scene change music* ~ Some Time Later ~

[surfaceshine]

Dean, ultimately, does decide to give rooting through the kitchen a whirl; he doesn't much like the idea or his chances of trying to get to sleep now on his own, not with old sore spots not only brushed but squarely punched in the gut, so he figures the extra time and effort is worth it, because he does locate some pretty strong liquor

[surfaceshine]

It's alright - Sam doesn't have to reach out and grab it. Dean's giving this to him, something important but not strictly necessary and certainly not life or death and not anything that either of them has to figure out what to do with or lose each other or the world or something else. The elder Winchester hasn't thought it through as well as all that - he's not thinking, he never does well when he thinks, only when he just does - but what they lost, what they're both missing, what they can't figure out how to rebuild are the little things that made them brothers and family. They had to fill in the holes after Stanford - Dean's time in Hell was different, of course it was different, and so much worse for them both, but in this regard it's the same. Fill in the holes. Breathe. Get to know each other again. And Sam can have that from Dean any time, any place, free of obligation on his part

[precognitioning]

Sam's thing is just that he feels like he should be doing something, almost all the time. Like now, and all too often it's that that can get him into trouble; the over thinking, the over analysis. But though he still doesn't really get this, and isn't sure whether he can trust it (whether everything won't just come back later and be worse for thinking it might be better) it relaxes him nonetheless.

"Dean," Sam says, managing a more normal tone this time, slightly less subdued. "She was, like, forty." It was a pretty good sandwich, though at the time Sam was a little too lonely and miserable to appreciate it all that much. The talking helped a little more. "--if it helps," he adds, "I met Iggy too, and he didn't make me a grilled anything. So there you have it."

Sam doesn't even know where he stands with Guinevere, so there's that, too. Or if he should be standing anywhere with her, to which he suspects the answer is no but really doesn't want it to be.

[surfaceshine]

"Well," comes back Dean's reply to Sam's news about Helen after a few beats of awkward silence during which he has to scramble a bit for an appropriately tomcat!Dean retort. He used to know all the lines, though, so he finds one eventually and gets the right amount of smirk into his voice when he says almost coyly, "Cougars need love too, Sammy

[precognitioning]

"Dude," Sam says, managing to sound almost normal, "Just no." And it feels good, a little, to pretend and act like nothing's changed, like this is the norm and earlier was just a blip on the radar, but that's not really how it feels, not now, not for a while. And he would really like to let Dean sleep, would kind of like to slink out of the room and take some time to just be and think not at all (as if that will ever happen) but-

He stills, when Dean says what he does. And for a moment is just quiet, absorbing this rare - thing, offering, whatever it is. Trying for a moment work out what it means, but he doesn't- doesn't know whether to feel a twang of sadness or jealousy or what.

What he does say is, "You made me one of those once." He's not even sure why that is what comes out. It just is, and of course afterward it's gone and he can't take it back.

[surfaceshine]

Oh, Dean's going to end up asleep again all on his own, probably, Sam; but not right now. For that still, quiet moment, Dean thinks he said the wrong thing - in fact by the time Sam is speaking, his brother is trying to find something to salvage the situation, something lewd or obscene or random or insulting or...

"Yeah?" comes the slightly confused reply on a relieved exhale; he tries to remember that, too, but it's so long ago, and the relief is shortlived. It's the other side of Hell and that's another chasm Dean doesn't know how to get back across, but Sam says it happened, so the elder Winchester scrapes and sifts and searches for some hint of the same memory. The frown is probably audible in his voice when he ventures, "You must not've liked it or I'da made you more than one."

He's trying, but he doesn't remember it, Sam; he doesn't know how to ask to be reminded, because he wants to remember it. He wants to remember more good and less bad.

[precognitioning]

Sam shrugs, then realizes that isn't exactly audible and they aren't really looking at each other. "It was a long time ago," he says. "It's just a little piece of a memory. I probably didn't get it. Not then."

He pauses, though, and adds, in a lower voice, "Thank you for telling me."

It helps. It really does. He's still feeling ridiculously fragile and scared and like any minute now everything's going to fall down again and this time he'll really be on his own - but it helps.

[surfaceshine]

Yeah, and that figures, because it was all a long time ago; Dean reaches up to rub at one of his eyes with the heel of his good hand, stifles the sigh because there's no way it won't come across wrong right now. It's not for Sam - not for or because of or even to; he lets his breath out quietly, doesn't stop trying to rub the dull ache out of his eye for a few long moments.

"You too," is what he says instead of you're welcome. Dropping his hand down onto his stomach, he stifles the urge to hold his breath, because he's been circling 'round to this, and it might undo everything that was just done. He really, really hopes not.

"Thank you for telling me," is what he says instead of I'm sorry. It's ambiguous enough that Sam could take it to mean the tiny, ancient bit about the sandwich if he wants; that's not what Dean means, though.

[precognitioning]

Sam blinks, momentarily, and then closes his eyes. His voice is thoroughly subdued, but it's still audible as a simple, "Yeah." Lying didn't work so well, did it? And he's expecting an and, or a but...

But he hopes not. And sneaks a glance over at Dean with his peripheral vision.

[surfaceshine]

Dean is still looking at the ceiling - or at least, that's where his face is pointing. He's not really moving otherwise, except for the silent drum of his fingertips on his own torso, halting and slow and distracted. There's no and, no but.

"Good night, Sammy," he says quietly several minutes later, instead.

Sam can keep talking if he wants; if he's not done, this isn't necessarily a FTB. Or if you want to end this thread, we can jump somewhere else with them, or let them rest, or... I don't even. fhdjsapouh

[precognitioning]

"Night," Sam says, after a moment, back to staring up at his own little section of ceiling. He doesn't know what to do now. Doesn't know what to do with himself or Dean or...much of anything, really. It feels like there's something, but he doesn't know what.

Best to just let Dean sleep, he decides, and maybe find a few hours of his own.

I want to keep them in a thread but I don't know where to go from here alkdjfl Sam is being unhelpfully non-verbal at me.

[surfaceshine]

Okay, so, I posted a more contemporary piece here for Sam, which I don't even know what Dean is doing except driving himself crazy, which is a terribly useful thing for him to do. However, we can start another thread here if you'd like for more past interactions - anything to do with talking about Pandora (unless that shows up in current!thread?), injuries, the next morning after this one, anything - which I'd be up for. Aaaaaand, be forewarned that there is a very real chance Gunji might end up killing Dean in THEIR current thread, so there is potential for more Winchester angst in the near future, depending how that goes, and I am totally down with multiple threading.

...These two are exhausting. I adore them. Let us know!

[precognitioning]

You officially have Sam making his panic face. D: Also Jaenelle, actually, oh dear...anyway, yes. I am tempted to say more past interactions but Sam as he is in my head right now is so thoroughly unlikely to be helpful that it might not get anywhere. And I will respond to that new post shortly anyway, though. And try to cheer this boy up a little.

All these unhappy people in my head, balls.

I adore them too! Thank you for humoring me, always. What are your thoughts?

[surfaceshine]

I'd like more past interactions, too, considering how much of their lives these two spend in each others' pockets, even when they hate each other and themselves. My thoughts are AS MANY THREADS AS I CAN GET, PLEASE. With everyone, always. *flings Dean around like the attentionwhore he is*

We're sorry about the unhappy people! Dean is unhappy making! D8

[precognitioning]

It is not only Dean! I also have Angel, but that's probably going to be pretty much constant. Do you just want to do the morning after, then, or...?

Dean is the best attentionwhore! Also Jaenelle wants him to know that if he gets himself killed she will cry. And then want to kill people, but shh. XD

[surfaceshine]

Well, Dean tends to do that. With the getting himself killed. (As well you know.) Because he doesn't understand that he is human, and he should probably not poke people who are not. I hope he never does understand that.

I will go with morning after, then! BRB posting below