“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

I never returned.  As much as it may have pained me, I kept my distance.

Years later, when the moment was right, the person was right, I simply never left.

...there's so many gaps in my memory. Sometimes I get obsessive about trying to ferret out the details and fill those blanks in.  I forget that it's probably blacked out for a reason until I plow headfirst into a hazy memory that sears me with the pain of a hot stove. 

Godsmack's 'Voodoo' comes on a forgotten playlist while I stand in the kitchen julienning carrots and parsnips.  Is that a verb?  Maybe.  I have been sipping a cocktail, a delightful concoction of high-quality vodka, tart cherry juice from a quart of cherries drained and destined for pie, sparkling water, a twist of lime ( Read more... )

Sometimes I still dream of you - brightly colored, sharp edged dreams that wake me up from a dead sleep.  On those nights, I toss and turn and the next day is haunted with ghosts of the past.  It unsettles me greatly, makes me feel off kilter the entire day.

On those days, do those ghosts haunt me because you are thinking of me?

I remember when my life was one of 'quiet desperation'.  Maybe the desperation wasn't so quiet.  So many times, it was as if I was staying afloat by the tiniest of margins, barely hanging on, barely finding the desire to continue. The internal chaos threatened to consume me so, so many times.  And there were so many times I wanted to let it.  I ( Read more... )

Does it say something when I can watch a movie about oxycontin without a sexual twitch running through me?

Names changed in the excerpt below.  This book resonates with me in an astonishing manner, and this is how I internalize what I read.

He came closer; he leaned with one hand against the wall above her head, almost as i he wished to hold her in the circle of his arm.  "C", he said, a tone of gentle, bitter persuasiveness in his voice, "I am older ( Read more... )

...the trick is to never let is leave your system...

At the bus stop a young man sauntered by, long dark hair cut straight across his back.  He wore long black coat, still creased and hung with shiny silver hardware.  Tall black leather  boots  encased his shins, the tops of the boots spilling over with jeans of a dye that  hasn't been seen since the early eighties.  His step was bouncy, a spring in ( Read more... )

The first time ever, I was housesitting. I'd flirted with alcohol, illicitly procured, but in a nonchalant, sophisticated manner.

This thing shall not control me.

I was young, bitter, disillusioned, lost.  I had fought with J - we weren't speaking any longer.  His friendship had been stability at that very pivotal point in my life.  I was questioning ( Read more... )