Edit: Sues 501-600 have been tagged.
Thank you to Vorse for sending in today second sue!
TITLE:
Fleur Delacour's Year of Living DangerouslyPERPETRATOR:
Femme TeriyakiSUE-O-METER:
(troll)
FULL NAME: Fleur Delacour
SPECIES: Part-Veela
HAIR: blonde
EYES: blue
MARKINGS: is overweight due to American food. She is 5'7".
POSSESSIONS: She used to have six credit cards, then her parents took them away. She has a Pirates of the Caribbean DVD, and American cyber-boyfriend. She has a "new, business-like sweater".
ORIGIN: The diary of Fleur Delacour written Bridget Jones' style. Her parents sent her away for a year to be "Mugglefied" in America. This is the story of her "De-Mugglefication"
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Is Fleur Delacour. Calls Hermione: "Bushy Haired Smart Girl Who Frightens and Hates Me". She gets to sit in on various classes before deciding which one to teach. Lusts after Harry Potter. Snape stares and winks at her, as does Draco.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Is quite good a setting goals for herself.
NOTES: This is a great troll. It's so great that I'm going to call it a parody instead. It's 19 chapters, and I am not going to read 19 chapters for a parody Sue report.
SAMPLE:
Day One of Free Independence
Monday, January 17th, 2005
On train, leaving Kings Cross
7:13 AM
7:13 - They cut me off. First they Mugglefied me, then they cut me off! My parents told me to get Mugglefied, to get acquainted with the way Muggles live and act-they cut me off from the wizarding community for a year, with nothing but owls to communicate with. In this year of Mugglefication, I fell in love with Orlando Bloom and Jude Law at the same time, cried when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up, booed that other Simpson girl, and watched Napoleon Dynamite sixteen times. I discovered MTV, then discovered VH1 (and threw MTV en la poubelle), became a slave to the Internet, American Express, MasterCard, and Visa, and became unduly obsessed with this thing called “fanfiction.” Did I mention that as well as being Mugglefied, I was Americanized as well? (My family is threatening to block channels for every time I say “like,” “whatever,” and “duh.”) And now, now that I have finally adjusted to the Muggle way of living-they’ve cut me off!
They took my credit cards (all six of them) and cut them in half. They said they’d “been coddling me too long,” and told me that I would no longer be living at their expense. What they meant, of course was: Get a J-O-B. They’ve sent me back to the Wizarding World, and now I’m job interviewing. At Hogwarts. I know, right? Endless joy…
7:24 - I miss American food. Of course, I will always flock to the splendor of filet mignon, escargot, and other such truly French cuisine… but I’d kill for McDonalds right now. In the truly American way I have been put on a diet; my parents believe that I am grotesquely overweight and have sent many, many diet books with me to Hogwarts. I am also to begin Pilates. More joy.
7:32 - List of things to do, starting now, to start losing my a) American-ness b) Muggle-ness and c) weight:
1) No more watching VH1-this will not be très grand problem. Benefits: Will be off of bum and thus inhibiting further weight-gain will be losing both American-ness and Muggle-ness in process. Can devote more time to Windsor Pilates.
2) Will begin South Beach Diet as well. Will spend so much of time watching food, there will be no time left to indulge in Muggle pleasures.
3) Will lower calorie intake 10 calories for every time “like,” “duh,” or “whatever,” is used. 20 calories if in public. 5 if writing and 2 if just thinking.
4) Will write to family en français daily, to regain some of French-ness.
5) Will refrain from use of American curses; will use French ones instead.
6) Will not compare life to that of Kiera Knightley and become jealous basket-case.
7) Will sadly destroy Orlie and Jude posters. Will convince self to give away Pirates of the Caribbean DVD. (Permission to cry at such occasion is granted.)
8) Will stop sitting on bum reading American trashy books. Will settle for sitting on bum reading French trashy books about witches and wizards. Will not pretend said wizards are Jude Law and Orlando Bloom.
9) Will not think about internet and/or email. Will not think of cyber-boyfriend, Michael.
10) MUST BREAK UP WITH AMERICAN CYBER-BOYFRIEND.
7:45 - Am standing outside of Hogwarts. Am v. afraid to step inside. Will be speaking to Headmaster and will face Bushy Haired Smart Girl Who Frightens and Hates Me. Will collapse under strain. Will need unlimited amounts of caffeine.
NTS: De-necessitate thyself off of coffee. Will only cause weight gain and unhappiness. YOU DON’T NEED IT.
8:13 - Had deep and constructif conversation avec Professor Dumbledore. Believes would make good assistant to teacher and should start there before moving up. Believes should sit in on each class before deciding which teacher to assist. Messieurs Snape and Flitwick fell over when I opened the door. Am v. tired, but convinced that no coffee is needed. Will not be tempted to ask little house-elf qui follows me for any. BE STRONG, FLEUR. Je dois être forte!
Am feeling v. fat. Must, at advice of mes parents, begin La Journal de Nourriture today.
Breakfast: Un croissant avec chocolat (will forgive self later). Orange juice.
Snack: Three chocolate frogs.
Conclusion: Weakness, thy name is chocolate.
9:02 - Have been very weak all day long. Have been thinking desperately of credit cards. Oh, what I’d give to have ma petite American Express back! But my parents have snapped them all in half-I can no longer shop in the state of New York, Paris, London, or Sydney.
Deny thy credit and refuse thy cash! Or if thou wilt not, but be sworn by fashion, and I’ll no longer be Kohl’s card shopper!
All that just to have my American Express again…
9:30 - Have courageously decided to sit in on Potions first. Have noticed Bushy Haired Smart Girl (BHSG) glaring at me. Professor currently believes am taking notes. Said professor will not stop staring at new, business-like sweater. Am feeling v. uncomfortable. WHY WON’T SHE STOP GLARING AT ME?
Perhaps is threatened. Believes will steal affections of certain messieurs? Believes am not fat and disgusting, but rather attractive and thin? (If so, is très fou.) Wishes to defend slightly cute, red-haired freckled boy to left from my affections? Or… dashing… and desirable… Boy Who Lived to right?
Mais non-c’est impossible! Très mal! Very illegal thoughts; will subtract 50 calories from diet in order to compensate for such perversity.
Harry Potter: currently 16 years old; Fleur: currently 19 years old. So very illegal!
NTS: Must stall such Lustification until July.
5:30 PM - Have calmed self down; am stifling growing Lustification for HP. Will not cross BHSG, whose name is: Hermione Granger. Have discarded Orlie and Jude posters, but have kept POC. Realizing that this is because Orlie in action is better than Orlie on paper. Even if he is life-size.
Affolé d’Affaires Courant:
Name: Fleur Delacour.
Height: five foot seven.
Weight: a disgusting amount which equals X.
Hair: Blonde.
Eyes: Blue.
Lust Situation: Stifling.
Cyber-boyfriend: Relationship thriving against will.
Favorite Class SF: Flitwick (is nice despite supreme oldness)
Least SF: Snape (classes filled with odd innuendo usually directed à moi; seems to despise HP).
Pilates Minutes: 4
Orlie-thinking Minutes: 35
Jude-thinking Minutes: 30
HP-thinking Minutes: 69
HG glares: 3
Odd Slytherin, Draco Malfoy winks: 16
Overall Lust to Love Ratio: 63 to 1.
Day Two of Free Independence
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
In bed
4:05 AM
4:05 - Am wondering how such inappropriate Lustification came to be. Were only minor hints of such Lustification at Triwizard Cup! Am now wondering why did not just kiss Harry on lips rather than cheek. O, merde!
Am v. fat; the famous, desirable, and talented beyond belief Potter shall never be interested in me. Barely noticed presence. Was instead too busy perfecting potion; Potions Master gave him a D anyway. Was outraged, but afraid to say so.
Should I take assistant job for Monsieur Snape to protect Harry from injustice? Even though Monsieur Snape gives as many winks as pale, blonde-haired oddity Draco Malfoy? Am v. conflicted and unsure. Trashy book cannot keep attention-keep thinking of Halcius Pottotius, medieval wizarding champion, as HP! Am v. distracted and up v. late, but has been no caffeine all day! Have already taken away 69 calories for each minute spent desiring HP. Must STOP.
4:45 - Have received post from Late-Night Owl-am not sure who could be. Am opening letter. Owl looks very unfamiliar: is male snowy owl.
4:48 - Have opened letter; am surprised mais content. La lettre est de mon amoureux, Michael. Am now pleasantly surprised to realize that my cyber-boyfriend is a wizard after all, even if he does happen to be an American one. Letter is filled with American spellings and no Oxford commas. After having read Eats, Shoots and Leaves am obsessive over Oxford commas.
Michael’s letter has come with picture, which I shall look at now-
O-Mon dieu!Is single most gorgeous creature ever? Or is Harry? Looks like Prince William only better looking somehow. Has sex appeal of Johnny Depp, but pure hotness of the darling Orlando Bloom. Yes, we want him badly.
We also wonder how address procured. Found out IP address from emails? Called home? Squeezed out of ma soeur sans valeur that will be staying at Hogwarts? Sent lovely romantic note?
Maybe my sister did actually do something right. Maybe I’ll take the “sans valeur” out of her name.
Then again, why should I? She’s still a tart.
Zut alors!
Such a paper-cut; will not risk bleeding on face of my new favorite person. Must find bandage.
5:30 - Bandage found, cut healed, and picture salvaged. Am decidedly madly in love with said “Michael” whose last name I know not! Am v. excited that American cyber-boyfriend is undeniably attrayant, but depressed that shall have to dump in case of re-Americanization. Will die if cannot see in person.
AAC:
Name: Fleur Delacour.
Height: five foot seven.
Weight: x plus 1.5 (equals fat Fleur)
Hair: Blonde (still; should not dye?)
Eyes: Blue (parents took away colored contacts!
Lust Situation: Shifting (Has now shifted to ACB)
Cyber-boyfriend: See above.
Favorite Class SF: Still Flitwick for same reasons.
Least SF: Has become History of Magic. Cannot help but fall asleep and awake only because the little Malfoy boy whispers in my ear. Causes nightmares. Malfoy, not class.
Pilates Minutes: 16
Orlie-thinking Minutes: 24
Jude-thinking Minutes: 22
HP-thinking Minutes: 94
HG glares: 10
Odd Slytherin, Draco Malfoy winks: 27
Overall Lust to Love Ratio: 1 to 1
6:15 - Am eating breakfast and watching weight like mad, crazy anorexic sister Renée. And while I watch weight, am noticing Professor Greasy-Hair watching me. NTS - Eat less.
Breakfast: secretly stashed American Nutri-Grain bar. Yummmm… cappuccino-flavored. Artificially flavored glass of pure diet-y-licious-ness.
Calories: approx. 280.
6:17 - All right, that Hermione Granger is completely disturbing the peace over here. I cannot even enjoy my desperate substitute for coffee without such evil glare-ness. Grrr… NTS - Hire assassin/dietician/Pilates instructor.
6: 19 - Now realize that it bothers me v. much that lucky Hermione Granger gets to sit with Harry all day long in all his yummy underage-ness. Alors! Such Perversion!
6:23 - Am now seething as I watch lucky Her-Sliminess Granger laughing at some brilliant, sexy joke Harry must have just told. Have heard through Secret Staff Grapevine that equally brilliant (but not nearly as sexy) Granger is dating unsightly red-haired, freckled child. If so, why does she glare at me so? She cannot possibly think I am after aforesaid freckled child!
Harry’s leaving-alors! Have now just discovered Harry’s derrière… must away…
6:30 - What were you thinking, Fleur! That was v. perverse. Never look at said derrière ever again, unless it is your dying moment. And you want to die happy, of course.
8: 14 - Am currently enjoying the company of stand-in DADA teacher, Remus Lupin. As actual DADA teacher was unable to make it and will not be here until Feb., Prof. RLJ is standing in. Is v. nice and v. fair to Harry, and now has beaten out Professor Flitwick for Best Class Ever.
8: 20 - Am realizing that Harry must be Best DADA Student Ever. Am imagining Harry bravely fighting the Dark Lord; am skipping times 1 through 4 because of the perverse way underage-ness of this thought. Am instead imagining the 4th year fight, parce que I know exactly how fantabulous-ly attrayant he was then. Am trying not to OD on such complete hotness of his bravery.