0004: Trinity Snape - Trinity Snape

[pottersues]

From the girl who brought us Lynx Potter?... this one is actually much worse.

TITLE: Trinity Snape
PERPETRATOR: Lady Knight Nick

SUE-O-METER: (how bad is it?)

WRITING: **

SUEAGE: *****

WRONGNESS: ****

FULL NAME: Trinity Snape
SPECIES: Human - possibly a witch, but I don't think any mention is ever made of her using any magic.
HAIR:

Comments

[elladora696]

what do wizards do with squib children, anyway?

well...some turn them into hedgehogs. :)

[cavechan]

I hope to god you were joking. let me correct the first chapter for you:

Past

Rayn tried to turn over. She was in the woods. "How'd I get here?" She asked herself before remembering what had happend almost two days before.

Dream scape thingy!

Rayn looked up at her father. He was tall with blue eyes and brown hair. To her he was like a king or god. She'd follow this extraordinary person anywhere. "Rayn, wait here and I'll be back in a second," he said and disapeared for a few minutes before he returned. "Ready to go for our walk through the woods?"

The girl nodded eagerly, she didn't know what was going to come, she couldn't even think that he was capable of it. He was her only family and she was so young. She's only five. They walked for a while till Rayn was lost in the woods that she'd been through so many times. "Where are we?" She asked.

"No where. You're staying here," he said and turned back-handing her sending her sprawling into a tree where she fell to the ground unconscious.

Ok, ok thats enough kill the bubble maker

[cavechan]

She asked herself before remembering what had happened almost two days before.

Sorry, missed that. And I didn't properly close my italics tag, so I apologize for that also.

[cavechan]

I just have to say that this story would have actually been at least somewhat believable if she wasn't friggin' 14 years old! I kept imagining her to be like Yoruichi in Bleach. The writing itself is absolutely dreadful.

"At a run Mr. Potter." She added. Harry ran the track.

What the heck is this supposed to mean?! Did she mean "go for a run, Mr. Potter"? And then the "Harry ran the track" - the verb tense is completely messed up. It makes NO sense!

[tobiasfliesfree]

"Harry ran the track" is at least correct in some colloquial forms of American English, so while she really shouldn't be using it in a story, she can get a pass since fanfic standards are generally lower than professional fiction.

[yemi_hikari]

There was actually a time when I wouldn't have actually understood the Bleach reference, but I'd love to see Yoruichi teach at Hogwarts.

[morosina]

I have one rule if your late or don't do as I say you run that track or you do exercises of my choice."

Did anyone besides me realize that was two rules?

Counting Problems

[morosina]

I did as well.
I also noticed that there was no punctuation in that sentence, which made me cringe. I would also like to agree with the comments on Malfoy's attitude-he would be considerably more cocky than in that fic.

[anonymous]

What.... happened to Draco?! "when I was little"? "I think I can"? Just... no! Where's his cocky attitude? His smug grin as he brags about his talents with weapons? Why did he give up?!

The only thing I hate worse than a Mary Sue is a horribly messed-up cannon character. >.>

- Akana

[literallovely]

Welcome to the first day of fighting class.

Dude, they have fighting class now?! ;)