White Flag (18/?)
Title: White Flag
Rating: NC-17
Couple: Sam/Brooke...Sam/F..
Summary: This is an AU fic in which Brooke and Sam have already
been together.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but I certainly wish I did. Damn Ryan
Murphy and his unrivaled genius.
A/N: Okay this is a three part update because honestly if I stopped at one part people would murder me. You know who you are. This fic was beta'd, as always, by my wonderful beta Karen who is really great and encouraging. I love feedback, so feel free to send some my way. I hope you all enjoy!
Part Eighteen
Cara had been in the clinic for a month, and while she was still aloof and distant, she was slowly starting to look better much to Brooke’s relief. She just wished that their family counseling sessions were going better. She and Sam would go every Tuesday and Thursday, and so far they were no closer to finding out the cause behind this whole mess than they had in the beginning. Cara wouldn’t talk to either of them during the meetings, she’d just sit sketching in her pad, and saying she didn’t want to talk about it. The young girl was so angry, Brooke barely recognized her. In fact the only person seemed to warm up to is her roommate, Emeny. She was a nine-year-old blonde with freckles and large, haunting, gray eyes. She was much too small for her age, Brooke had mistaken her for much younger when they’d first met.
Ever since the first week she’d moved in, Cara had stopped refusing to eat, and they’d become like best friends. Cara had even allowed visits from Becca, much to everyone’s relief. Brooke walked down the hall and rounded the corner to get to Cara’s room. She was running a little late from a meeting at work. She stopped short when she found the room already occupied with people. Becca and Jonah Ford stood beside Cara’s bed telling her some funny story about their mother and Sugar Daddy living in the Forever Tree until Claw cut it down. Sam sat in a chair beside Kat helping fill in some of the blanks, their hands intertwined.
She made a show of walking in, not missing the way Sam sprung guiltily away from Kat, snatching her hand away like she’d been burn. She also didn’t miss that Kat had noticed it too, and shot Sam a glare, which the brunette blithely ignored, shrinking away from both blondes’ gazes. Brooke walked over to Cara and gave her a big hug, noting the shine had finally returned to her dark brown tresses. “Hey kiddo, how are you feeling?”
“I’m okay, Mim. You’re late.” Cara stated before turning back to her friends.
“I know, I got stuck in traffic after my meeting.” Brooke explained. “Hey Becca and Jonah.” She greeted the two Ford children with a smile.
“Hi Aunt Brooke,” They said almost simultaneously. She saw Kat flinch out of the corner of her eye when they addressed her by that name.
The taller blonde stood up and slid her jacket. “Okay kids, we should get going. Cara has a meeting, and I promised your mom that I’d have you back before dinner.” This earned her a few groans from the three kids before they said their good byes and Cara and Becca hugged like they’d never see each other again.
“Feel better Cara. My mom says when you get out of the hospital, you can come over and spend the whole weekend.” Becca said with a bright smile, her blue eyes flashing.
“That would be so cool!” Cara said with an excited smile before looking over at Brooke, her smile faltering. “But I usually go over Mim’s on the weekends.”
“I’m sure we can arrange something.” Brooke said with a smile.
“Come on, kids. We really need to get going.” Kat said clearing her throat. She bent over Sam to kiss her on the lips, and at the last second the journalist turned her head, Kat’s lips landing on her cheek as Sam’s eyes locked with Brooke’s briefly before she looked down at her hands. “Bye Samantha, I will see you tomorrow.” She all but growled as she huffed out of the room, followed by Becca and Jonah.
Seconds later, Jonah walked back in holding a card. “I forgot to give this to you. I bought if for you, Cara.” He said nervously, a blush creeping to his cheeks.
Cara stood from the bed and gave him a big hug, and kissed his cheek. “Thanks Jonah, that was really sweet.” She said with a shy smile.
By then the young boy’s face was almost completely red, and he stumbled on his way out of the door. “See…sessee you later Cara.” He stammered, all but running from the room.
Cara smiled after him, her cheeks a little pink themselves. She looked down at the card in her hand and sighed, seeming to have forgotten that her mothers were even in the room. Sam and Brooke watched the little scene with twin expressions of adoration.
“You guys ready to go to the meeting?” Brooke asked breaking the spell the room had fallen under.
She and Sam stood and walked out of the room towards Dr. Tanner’s office, a dazed Cara falling behind them.
Sam glanced back at their daughter before whispering, “You do know this signals the beginning to the end, don’t you?”
Brooke looked back at Cara, who was now sporting a huge goofy grin. “Oh god, help us all.”
They sat around Dr. Tanner’s office talking about Cara’s visit with her friends, and how group therapy was going. The usually brooding, sullen ten-year-old seemed a lot happier than she had just days before. Brooke knew they were all still on a very long road to recovery, but she hoped this was a sign that they were truly making progress.
“Okay Cara, I want to proceed with the little exercise we to talked about earlier.” Dr. Tanner said slowly.
Cara hesitated for a moment, before silently nodding her head in agreement. She took a deep breath and watched as the doctor pulled three sheets of paper from her notepad and handed them out to Brooke, Sam and finally Cara. Then she hand them three books to use as hard surfaces. Brooke and Sam looked at her expectantly.
“As I explained to Cara earlier in our individual sessions, we’ll be taking this paper and making three columns. On the top of each of the columns, you’ll write each of your names. Then you are going to list, five things you’re upset about with each person, including yourself, and five things you’re happy about, and finally at the bottom, one fear and one hope that you have.” The doctor explained.
Brooke stared down at the paper on her lap nervously. She didn’t like where this had the potential to go, but she took a deep breath, this was about Cara. She understood this exercise. She’d had to do one similar in her family therapy with her father. The doctor was hoping to make a break through with this. She just hoped they could deliver. She knew it would require them to be completely honest. That was what was making her so nervous. She looked around at Sam and Cara. Both brunettes had their heads down, scribbling furiously. Brooke took a deep breath and started writing herself.
It took her a couple minutes to comprise her lists, but she was still the last one to finish. She had just finished her one hope, when she felt all eyes in the room on her. She smiled sheepishly and set her pen down.
“Now, we’re going to read our lists aloud.” The doctor said, and Sam looked alarmed. “This opens up the dialogue that tends to get lost when concerning these matters.” Dr. Tanner explained in reply to the unvoiced question. “Who wants to begin? Cara?”
Cara shook her head ‘no,’ and an awkward, hesitant silence filled the room. Brooke took a moment to calm her nerves before volunteering to go. She cleared her throat several times, willing it to not portray the nervousness she was feeling. “Um, in Sam’s column, the five things I’m upset about are…”She started slowly. “I’m upset that you don’t seem to give me any credit when it comes to Cara. I’m upset that you didn’t see that Cara needed help. I don’t like that you’re dating someone else, and especially that you are engaged. I don’t like that you kept your engagement from me for two months. I don’t like that you keep reminding me of how much I’m a disappointment to you.” Brooke finished.
She looked over at the silent brunette with apologetic eyes. Sam, for her part, seemed to be taking it in stride, but Brooke couldn’t ignore the stricken look that graced her delicate features. She hastily continued on with her lists. She told Sam how happy she was that they seemed to be getting along better, and how she was really proud of the job she’d been doing with their daughter. When she got to Cara, she told her how upset she was that she’d lied, and she hadn’t come to them for help. She was proud of Cara for always doing so well in all the things she’d ever tried. She was happy to just have her as a daughter. Things that she knew Cara needed to hear.
When it came to airing her grievances about herself, she hesitated again. This list had been far too easy for her to come up with. She was upset that she above all people hadn’t been able to see the signs. She felt like a large part of it was her fault. She talked about how she’d never really felt good enough to be Cara’s mother or Sam’s wife. She didn’t like that she’d been right on both accounts. She didn’t like that she didn’t know how to fix all of this.
“My fear is that Cara will be just like me. My hope is that Cara will find the support like I did.” Brooke finished looking over at Sam with a smile, and was surprised to see one in return.
The doctor was quiet, but she’d continually made little notes on her pad. Sam took a deep breath and decided to go next. She too was mad at Brooke for always disappointing Cara. She was upset that Brooke hadn’t seen the signs. She was also angry that Brooke couldn’t seem to just let her be happy. Brooke had the good grace to at least look culpable and slightly contrite. At the same time, Sam was happy that they were getting along better now too. She was also happy that Brooke seemed to be making more of an effort to spend time with Cara. They both seemed to feel the same about Cara, and Brooke was glad to see her sentiments and concerns were mirrored in Sam’s ‘Cara Column.’
Brooke was surprised to hear that Sam was quite angry with herself about a lot of things. She’d been through this with Brooke once before, and she should have been more aware. This gained her an arched eyebrow from Dr. Tanner. She was upset that she found herself keeping things from Kat, Cara, her mother, even Brooke, but she didn’t see any way around things. Sam also admitted that she hated being so hard on Brooke at times. She’d been happy so far with the job she’d done with Cara, and she was happy about most of the decisions she’d made over the years. She both hoped and feared that Cara would get through this as Brooke had.
Silence rang through the room once again after Sam finished reading her list allowed. They both looked at Cara expectantly as the girl shifted nervously in her seat, not quite meeting either one of their eyes.
“It’s ok, Cara. No one is going to judge you. We all just want to hear what you have to say. Things that you haven’t had a chance to say. I think it’s important for your moms to hear some of things we’ve been talking about.” Dr. Tanner said in a calm, comforting voice.
Cara seemed to visibly relax. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat, mirroring Brooke’s earlier actions. “Mom, I don’t like that you always yell at Mim, even when stuff is my fault. I don’t like that you’re going to marry Kat. I’m upset that I never get a say on family stuff.” She paused and looked over at Sam. Her mother smiled, encouraging her to continue, even though, Brooke knew, this was the toughest thing she’d ever had to hear. Cara finished her list of grievances with Sam quickly and hurried on to her ‘good’ list. She told Sam how lucky she felt to have her for a mom. She told her how much she liked when Sam would pick her up from school early, and they’d spend the whole afternoon together. Sam may have always called Brooke the fun parent, but whenever Cara was with Brooke all she seemed to talk about was all of the fun things she and Sam had done during the week.
Sam was moved by all of Cara’s kind words. Tears shimmered in her eyes, and she squeezed Cara’s hand reassuringly. Cara turned her hazel eyes towards Brooke and took another deep breath. “Mim, I’m upset that you broke your promise. I hate that you’re never around, and that you lie to me.” Cara said with so much hurt in her voice that Brooke felt her heart break and tears immediately sprang to her eyes. She’d done this to her child. “I don’t like that I have to tell you important stuff over the phone instead of face to face, like when you were in Italy. And I hate that you always have to work, and you never have time for me.” Cara finished softly.
Brooke wanted to defend herself, but she knew everything Cara said was true. She had failed her child, just like her mother had failed her, and a part of her wondered if Cara would be better off with Sam and Kat. She found herself wondering if everyone would be better off if she just wasn’t in the picture anymore, but then she heard Cara’s ‘good list.’ Cara loved the time she did get to spend with Brooke. She loved hearing about the exotic places that Brooke went for work. She loved that Brooke really listened to what she had to say. Cara loved that Brooke always let Cara sleep in the bed with her if she was sick or had a bad dream.
Her words filled the blonde with so much happiness. Cara loved her, and she could never give that up. She turned her attention back to the speaking girl, anxious to hear what Cara had to say about herself.
“I don’t think I want to finish.” Cara said hesitantly. Both Brooke and Sam were torn. While they knew that Cara really needed to do this as a step to recovery, they knew that forcing her to do something she didn’t feel comfortable doing might cause her a step backwards in her journey.
“I know you don’t Cara, but remember what I told you earlier, this is the first step to your recovery.” Dr. Tanner said, using the same voice she’d used earlier. It seemed to have a calming affect on Cara.
“I hate that I’m in the hospital, and it’s all my fault.” Cara started slowly in a low voice. “I hate that Mom and Mim fight all the time, and it’s always about me. I hate that I’m the reason mom is getting remarried, and Mim never wants to spend time with me. I hate that I’m sick, and I hate that I’m not perfect.” Cara said forcefully at the end.
Three things had just happened. One, Cara had confirmed what Brooke was suspecting all along. This was, in large part, her fault. Cara was sick because of her, because she’d been so absent. Two, Cara had finally admitted that she was sick, proving to Brooke the past month had been worth all of the battles they’d endured with the ten-year-old. It had taken her almost two months to admit she’d had a problem her first time at the clinic. Then again, she’d had the problem a lot longer than Cara had. Three, Cara had had a break through. Not only had she admitted to her sickness, she’d also revealed one of the sources. Now they could start to put the pieces back together.
Her mind went around in circles, and her chest felt tight. She couldn’t even hear the other things Cara was saying, and before she knew it, Sam was hugging Cara, and Dr. Tanner was telling her to head back to her room, so she could have a moment to talk to Sam and Brooke. Cara headed out of the office, and Dr. Tanner turned to both women, flipping through her notes.
“As you can see, I have been making a lot of progress with Cara in our one on one sessions during the day. It’s certainly paid off because we had a real break through today. I am happy with the progress she’s been making over the past month. This, however, is not the reason I asked you to stay.” She paused and perused her notes once more. “Now you both mentioned something that gave me pause. You both stated that you should have seen the signs, that you’d been through this before. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that one of you had an eating disorder. I’m guessing that, from the guilt Brooke has expressed and comments made in earlier sessions, it was her, and that she had it starting in early adolescence, around the same age as Cara?”
Brooke nodded her head in agreement, wondering exactly where the doctor was going with this. She felt Sam take her hand and give it a gentle squeeze, and let out the breath she hadn’t known she was holding. Sam had always been good at easing her anxiety.
“Have either of you ever talked to Cara about this?” Dr. Tanner asked.
“No, we really didn’t think it was necessary. Brooke hasn’t had a relapse since we were in college.” Sam answered. “Should we have told her?”
“The thing is, children, primarily girls, that come from mothers that have or have had eating disorders are more susceptible to falling prey to them. In most cases, the daughters aren’t even aware that their mothers have had a problem.” Dr. Tanner explained.
“Oh my god, this really is all my fault.” Brooke breathed, trying to hold her tears at bay.
“It is not any one person’s individual fault, Mrs. McPherson. It is the collective situation. I am more than pleased with today’s session. Especially with your part.” She said looking at Brooke. “You will be especially important in Cara’s recovery. She needs to know that she is not alone in her struggle. She needs to know that you’ve gone through this and understands her.”
Sam gave her hand another squeeze. Brooke looked over at her, and she knew Sam could read her apprehension and fear. Sam offered her a smile of understanding, and Brooke was almost certain she saw a little love mixed in there. With Sam in her corner, she knew she would be all right.
Rating: NC-17
Couple: Sam/Brooke...Sam/F..
Summary: This is an AU fic in which Brooke and Sam have already
been together.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but I certainly wish I did. Damn Ryan
Murphy and his unrivaled genius.
A/N: Okay this is a three part update because honestly if I stopped at one part people would murder me. You know who you are. This fic was beta'd, as always, by my wonderful beta Karen who is really great and encouraging. I love feedback, so feel free to send some my way. I hope you all enjoy!
Part Eighteen
Cara had been in the clinic for a month, and while she was still aloof and distant, she was slowly starting to look better much to Brooke’s relief. She just wished that their family counseling sessions were going better. She and Sam would go every Tuesday and Thursday, and so far they were no closer to finding out the cause behind this whole mess than they had in the beginning. Cara wouldn’t talk to either of them during the meetings, she’d just sit sketching in her pad, and saying she didn’t want to talk about it. The young girl was so angry, Brooke barely recognized her. In fact the only person seemed to warm up to is her roommate, Emeny. She was a nine-year-old blonde with freckles and large, haunting, gray eyes. She was much too small for her age, Brooke had mistaken her for much younger when they’d first met.
Ever since the first week she’d moved in, Cara had stopped refusing to eat, and they’d become like best friends. Cara had even allowed visits from Becca, much to everyone’s relief. Brooke walked down the hall and rounded the corner to get to Cara’s room. She was running a little late from a meeting at work. She stopped short when she found the room already occupied with people. Becca and Jonah Ford stood beside Cara’s bed telling her some funny story about their mother and Sugar Daddy living in the Forever Tree until Claw cut it down. Sam sat in a chair beside Kat helping fill in some of the blanks, their hands intertwined.
She made a show of walking in, not missing the way Sam sprung guiltily away from Kat, snatching her hand away like she’d been burn. She also didn’t miss that Kat had noticed it too, and shot Sam a glare, which the brunette blithely ignored, shrinking away from both blondes’ gazes. Brooke walked over to Cara and gave her a big hug, noting the shine had finally returned to her dark brown tresses. “Hey kiddo, how are you feeling?”
“I’m okay, Mim. You’re late.” Cara stated before turning back to her friends.
“I know, I got stuck in traffic after my meeting.” Brooke explained. “Hey Becca and Jonah.” She greeted the two Ford children with a smile.
“Hi Aunt Brooke,” They said almost simultaneously. She saw Kat flinch out of the corner of her eye when they addressed her by that name.
The taller blonde stood up and slid her jacket. “Okay kids, we should get going. Cara has a meeting, and I promised your mom that I’d have you back before dinner.” This earned her a few groans from the three kids before they said their good byes and Cara and Becca hugged like they’d never see each other again.
“Feel better Cara. My mom says when you get out of the hospital, you can come over and spend the whole weekend.” Becca said with a bright smile, her blue eyes flashing.
“That would be so cool!” Cara said with an excited smile before looking over at Brooke, her smile faltering. “But I usually go over Mim’s on the weekends.”
“I’m sure we can arrange something.” Brooke said with a smile.
“Come on, kids. We really need to get going.” Kat said clearing her throat. She bent over Sam to kiss her on the lips, and at the last second the journalist turned her head, Kat’s lips landing on her cheek as Sam’s eyes locked with Brooke’s briefly before she looked down at her hands. “Bye Samantha, I will see you tomorrow.” She all but growled as she huffed out of the room, followed by Becca and Jonah.
Seconds later, Jonah walked back in holding a card. “I forgot to give this to you. I bought if for you, Cara.” He said nervously, a blush creeping to his cheeks.
Cara stood from the bed and gave him a big hug, and kissed his cheek. “Thanks Jonah, that was really sweet.” She said with a shy smile.
By then the young boy’s face was almost completely red, and he stumbled on his way out of the door. “See…sessee you later Cara.” He stammered, all but running from the room.
Cara smiled after him, her cheeks a little pink themselves. She looked down at the card in her hand and sighed, seeming to have forgotten that her mothers were even in the room. Sam and Brooke watched the little scene with twin expressions of adoration.
“You guys ready to go to the meeting?” Brooke asked breaking the spell the room had fallen under.
She and Sam stood and walked out of the room towards Dr. Tanner’s office, a dazed Cara falling behind them.
Sam glanced back at their daughter before whispering, “You do know this signals the beginning to the end, don’t you?”
Brooke looked back at Cara, who was now sporting a huge goofy grin. “Oh god, help us all.”
They sat around Dr. Tanner’s office talking about Cara’s visit with her friends, and how group therapy was going. The usually brooding, sullen ten-year-old seemed a lot happier than she had just days before. Brooke knew they were all still on a very long road to recovery, but she hoped this was a sign that they were truly making progress.
“Okay Cara, I want to proceed with the little exercise we to talked about earlier.” Dr. Tanner said slowly.
Cara hesitated for a moment, before silently nodding her head in agreement. She took a deep breath and watched as the doctor pulled three sheets of paper from her notepad and handed them out to Brooke, Sam and finally Cara. Then she hand them three books to use as hard surfaces. Brooke and Sam looked at her expectantly.
“As I explained to Cara earlier in our individual sessions, we’ll be taking this paper and making three columns. On the top of each of the columns, you’ll write each of your names. Then you are going to list, five things you’re upset about with each person, including yourself, and five things you’re happy about, and finally at the bottom, one fear and one hope that you have.” The doctor explained.
Brooke stared down at the paper on her lap nervously. She didn’t like where this had the potential to go, but she took a deep breath, this was about Cara. She understood this exercise. She’d had to do one similar in her family therapy with her father. The doctor was hoping to make a break through with this. She just hoped they could deliver. She knew it would require them to be completely honest. That was what was making her so nervous. She looked around at Sam and Cara. Both brunettes had their heads down, scribbling furiously. Brooke took a deep breath and started writing herself.
It took her a couple minutes to comprise her lists, but she was still the last one to finish. She had just finished her one hope, when she felt all eyes in the room on her. She smiled sheepishly and set her pen down.
“Now, we’re going to read our lists aloud.” The doctor said, and Sam looked alarmed. “This opens up the dialogue that tends to get lost when concerning these matters.” Dr. Tanner explained in reply to the unvoiced question. “Who wants to begin? Cara?”
Cara shook her head ‘no,’ and an awkward, hesitant silence filled the room. Brooke took a moment to calm her nerves before volunteering to go. She cleared her throat several times, willing it to not portray the nervousness she was feeling. “Um, in Sam’s column, the five things I’m upset about are…”She started slowly. “I’m upset that you don’t seem to give me any credit when it comes to Cara. I’m upset that you didn’t see that Cara needed help. I don’t like that you’re dating someone else, and especially that you are engaged. I don’t like that you kept your engagement from me for two months. I don’t like that you keep reminding me of how much I’m a disappointment to you.” Brooke finished.
She looked over at the silent brunette with apologetic eyes. Sam, for her part, seemed to be taking it in stride, but Brooke couldn’t ignore the stricken look that graced her delicate features. She hastily continued on with her lists. She told Sam how happy she was that they seemed to be getting along better, and how she was really proud of the job she’d been doing with their daughter. When she got to Cara, she told her how upset she was that she’d lied, and she hadn’t come to them for help. She was proud of Cara for always doing so well in all the things she’d ever tried. She was happy to just have her as a daughter. Things that she knew Cara needed to hear.
When it came to airing her grievances about herself, she hesitated again. This list had been far too easy for her to come up with. She was upset that she above all people hadn’t been able to see the signs. She felt like a large part of it was her fault. She talked about how she’d never really felt good enough to be Cara’s mother or Sam’s wife. She didn’t like that she’d been right on both accounts. She didn’t like that she didn’t know how to fix all of this.
“My fear is that Cara will be just like me. My hope is that Cara will find the support like I did.” Brooke finished looking over at Sam with a smile, and was surprised to see one in return.
The doctor was quiet, but she’d continually made little notes on her pad. Sam took a deep breath and decided to go next. She too was mad at Brooke for always disappointing Cara. She was upset that Brooke hadn’t seen the signs. She was also angry that Brooke couldn’t seem to just let her be happy. Brooke had the good grace to at least look culpable and slightly contrite. At the same time, Sam was happy that they were getting along better now too. She was also happy that Brooke seemed to be making more of an effort to spend time with Cara. They both seemed to feel the same about Cara, and Brooke was glad to see her sentiments and concerns were mirrored in Sam’s ‘Cara Column.’
Brooke was surprised to hear that Sam was quite angry with herself about a lot of things. She’d been through this with Brooke once before, and she should have been more aware. This gained her an arched eyebrow from Dr. Tanner. She was upset that she found herself keeping things from Kat, Cara, her mother, even Brooke, but she didn’t see any way around things. Sam also admitted that she hated being so hard on Brooke at times. She’d been happy so far with the job she’d done with Cara, and she was happy about most of the decisions she’d made over the years. She both hoped and feared that Cara would get through this as Brooke had.
Silence rang through the room once again after Sam finished reading her list allowed. They both looked at Cara expectantly as the girl shifted nervously in her seat, not quite meeting either one of their eyes.
“It’s ok, Cara. No one is going to judge you. We all just want to hear what you have to say. Things that you haven’t had a chance to say. I think it’s important for your moms to hear some of things we’ve been talking about.” Dr. Tanner said in a calm, comforting voice.
Cara seemed to visibly relax. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat, mirroring Brooke’s earlier actions. “Mom, I don’t like that you always yell at Mim, even when stuff is my fault. I don’t like that you’re going to marry Kat. I’m upset that I never get a say on family stuff.” She paused and looked over at Sam. Her mother smiled, encouraging her to continue, even though, Brooke knew, this was the toughest thing she’d ever had to hear. Cara finished her list of grievances with Sam quickly and hurried on to her ‘good’ list. She told Sam how lucky she felt to have her for a mom. She told her how much she liked when Sam would pick her up from school early, and they’d spend the whole afternoon together. Sam may have always called Brooke the fun parent, but whenever Cara was with Brooke all she seemed to talk about was all of the fun things she and Sam had done during the week.
Sam was moved by all of Cara’s kind words. Tears shimmered in her eyes, and she squeezed Cara’s hand reassuringly. Cara turned her hazel eyes towards Brooke and took another deep breath. “Mim, I’m upset that you broke your promise. I hate that you’re never around, and that you lie to me.” Cara said with so much hurt in her voice that Brooke felt her heart break and tears immediately sprang to her eyes. She’d done this to her child. “I don’t like that I have to tell you important stuff over the phone instead of face to face, like when you were in Italy. And I hate that you always have to work, and you never have time for me.” Cara finished softly.
Brooke wanted to defend herself, but she knew everything Cara said was true. She had failed her child, just like her mother had failed her, and a part of her wondered if Cara would be better off with Sam and Kat. She found herself wondering if everyone would be better off if she just wasn’t in the picture anymore, but then she heard Cara’s ‘good list.’ Cara loved the time she did get to spend with Brooke. She loved hearing about the exotic places that Brooke went for work. She loved that Brooke really listened to what she had to say. Cara loved that Brooke always let Cara sleep in the bed with her if she was sick or had a bad dream.
Her words filled the blonde with so much happiness. Cara loved her, and she could never give that up. She turned her attention back to the speaking girl, anxious to hear what Cara had to say about herself.
“I don’t think I want to finish.” Cara said hesitantly. Both Brooke and Sam were torn. While they knew that Cara really needed to do this as a step to recovery, they knew that forcing her to do something she didn’t feel comfortable doing might cause her a step backwards in her journey.
“I know you don’t Cara, but remember what I told you earlier, this is the first step to your recovery.” Dr. Tanner said, using the same voice she’d used earlier. It seemed to have a calming affect on Cara.
“I hate that I’m in the hospital, and it’s all my fault.” Cara started slowly in a low voice. “I hate that Mom and Mim fight all the time, and it’s always about me. I hate that I’m the reason mom is getting remarried, and Mim never wants to spend time with me. I hate that I’m sick, and I hate that I’m not perfect.” Cara said forcefully at the end.
Three things had just happened. One, Cara had confirmed what Brooke was suspecting all along. This was, in large part, her fault. Cara was sick because of her, because she’d been so absent. Two, Cara had finally admitted that she was sick, proving to Brooke the past month had been worth all of the battles they’d endured with the ten-year-old. It had taken her almost two months to admit she’d had a problem her first time at the clinic. Then again, she’d had the problem a lot longer than Cara had. Three, Cara had had a break through. Not only had she admitted to her sickness, she’d also revealed one of the sources. Now they could start to put the pieces back together.
Her mind went around in circles, and her chest felt tight. She couldn’t even hear the other things Cara was saying, and before she knew it, Sam was hugging Cara, and Dr. Tanner was telling her to head back to her room, so she could have a moment to talk to Sam and Brooke. Cara headed out of the office, and Dr. Tanner turned to both women, flipping through her notes.
“As you can see, I have been making a lot of progress with Cara in our one on one sessions during the day. It’s certainly paid off because we had a real break through today. I am happy with the progress she’s been making over the past month. This, however, is not the reason I asked you to stay.” She paused and perused her notes once more. “Now you both mentioned something that gave me pause. You both stated that you should have seen the signs, that you’d been through this before. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that one of you had an eating disorder. I’m guessing that, from the guilt Brooke has expressed and comments made in earlier sessions, it was her, and that she had it starting in early adolescence, around the same age as Cara?”
Brooke nodded her head in agreement, wondering exactly where the doctor was going with this. She felt Sam take her hand and give it a gentle squeeze, and let out the breath she hadn’t known she was holding. Sam had always been good at easing her anxiety.
“Have either of you ever talked to Cara about this?” Dr. Tanner asked.
“No, we really didn’t think it was necessary. Brooke hasn’t had a relapse since we were in college.” Sam answered. “Should we have told her?”
“The thing is, children, primarily girls, that come from mothers that have or have had eating disorders are more susceptible to falling prey to them. In most cases, the daughters aren’t even aware that their mothers have had a problem.” Dr. Tanner explained.
“Oh my god, this really is all my fault.” Brooke breathed, trying to hold her tears at bay.
“It is not any one person’s individual fault, Mrs. McPherson. It is the collective situation. I am more than pleased with today’s session. Especially with your part.” She said looking at Brooke. “You will be especially important in Cara’s recovery. She needs to know that she is not alone in her struggle. She needs to know that you’ve gone through this and understands her.”
Sam gave her hand another squeeze. Brooke looked over at her, and she knew Sam could read her apprehension and fear. Sam offered her a smile of understanding, and Brooke was almost certain she saw a little love mixed in there. With Sam in her corner, she knew she would be all right.