Las Vegas
So where the hell have I been all week?
Brooks, Laura, Mumaw, and I all went to Vegas, that's where. Yes, like we do about once or twice a year, we loaded up the car, rolled a few joints, and set off to see the sights, go on a series of wacky misadventures, and return home to lie and exaggerate all of our experiences and accomplishments.
So, let's get started!
DAY ONE: THE HOOVER DAM, FREEMONT STREET, BUFFET BETRAYAL
We set out for Vegas at about 8pm, on Tuesday, August 7th. Not much noteworthy about the drive there, but I will give a special shout-out to Sirius satellite radio for graciously providing us with our travel soundtrack. Also, another special shout-out to the Carl's Jr. Hawaiian Teriyaki Burger, for hitting the exact spot I needed it to on the otherwise bland 6-hour trek to Vegas.
Mumaw had never driven to Vegas before, so this was his first time seeing the Hoover Dam. Apparently, they're in the process of building a bypass road to Vegas that you can take if you don't want to drive over the dam... by our estimates, that road is about 5000 feet in the air (which, if you know your science, officially places it in "the land that time forgot") and very probably patrolled by man-eating pterodactyls. And keep in mind, we're experts.
Our first night, we stayed on Freemont Street, at the Four Queens. Freemont Street is basically the "old Strip"... it was the happening place to be before all the hotels like Caesar's Palace, Excalibur, etc. started going up on what became the "new strip". Because of that, it is sort of removed from what would be considered the "happening" part of Vegas, but I wouldn't discount it- it's way cheaper to stay in hotels there, and I actually like the way all the hotels are situated so closely together. On the "new Strip", you have to walk for about 5-10 minutes to get from hotel/casino to another, and that's made especially lame by the fact that it's August. On Freemont Street, there are like four semi-major hotel/casinos all within a two minute walk of each other, and the entire thing is covered, so it's pretty much all in the shade.
Also, Freemont Street had the best drink specials we found in Vegas. They were doing unlimited $1 margaritas, which is pretty much all we drank during our time there.
Our first night, we wasted little time before hitting the casino. I played a few slot-machines, some video poker, then sat down at a $5 Blackjack table, winning $30. That would be my only significant win during my entire trip to Vegas... and the $30 was gone again before the end of the night (along with another $60 or so). Still, it wasn't a total loss... between Brooks, Mumaw, and I, I'm pretty sure we drank our entire combined weight in free Bud Lite, so I like to think that somewhere down the line, there's a hotel manager scratching his head, wondering what the hell happened Tuesday night.
We also caught "The Freemont Experience"... remember that thing that covers Freemont Street, covering it with pleasant shade? Well, it turns out that that thing is basically the world's biggest TV screen... and at night, they play a show on it for everyone to stop and watch. It was some weird little number about aliens attacking Freemont Street, being fought off by futuristic F-15's... nothing too great, and sort of a pain to watch because you have to pretty much stare straight up at it. Still, worth checking out if you ever find yourself there.
That night, our plan was to hit a buffet for dinner. However, every buffet we tried (with the exception of one) was closed. The one buffet we could find looked like it was several steps *below* eating at a Sizzler or Souper Salad, and at like twice the price. So instead, we settled on a restaurant at the 4 Queens.
One last thing- while we were exploring our room at the 4 Queens, Brooks found a little bit of weed left over from the last people who stayed there. That was the closest we came to winning any sort of Vegas jackpot.
And that was Tuesday.
DAY TWO: EXPERIENCING STAR TREK, OR THE BORG ASSIMILATE OUR STOMACHS. ALSO... SURELY YOU JOUST!
The next morning, only Laura and I woke up early enough for breakfast. We went to the lame buffet for breakfast (because their breakfast buffet was significantly cheaper), then returned to the room. After smoking enough weed to ensure that any cleaning ladies who entered the room after checkout were sure to at least get a contact high, we packed our things and headed off to where we would be staying for the remainder of our trip- the Excalibur hotel.
This hotel is located on the "new Strip", which as I mentioned above, I find to be lame compared to the "old Strip". Vegas is a living thing, and it will not rest until it has squeezed every last dime out of you, and nowhere is this more apparent than on the Strip. It takes a special kind of evil to let someone piss away $5000 on slot machines, only to turn around and charge them $4.50 for a 20-oz. bottle of soda. At least Freemont has the decency to charge you significantly less for things like room and board, food, and drink... I think they understand that you're probably going to be losing the rest in the casino anyway.
You may think I'm exaggerating about Vegas, but I'm serious. On my second day there, a coin-changing machine only gave me three quarters back. And I put in a twenty-dollar bill.
This second day, we also headed to the Hilton, for "Star Trek: The Experience". If you've never been there, "Star Trek: The Experience" is a Star Trek museum/restaurant/store/ride located at the Las Vegas Hilton. For about $35, you can buy tickets for their two main attractions: The Klingon Encounter and the Borg Invasion 4-D.
The Klingon Encounter has you "beamed" aboard the USS Enterprise (which is totally awesome), only to discover that someone in your tour group is an ancestor of Captain Picard. A group of Klingons were about to kidnap you to prevent Picard from ever being born, but the Enterprise rescues you at the last minute. You are then loaded into a modified shuttle-craft, to be flown through a nebula and return to your own time. Along the way, the Klingons attempt to stop you, and the whole thing culminates in a space-battle between a Klingon ship and the Enterprise above the Las Vegas Strip.
The Borg Invasion 4-D has you called to a space station (not beamed this time, unfortunately) to undergo tests because, apparently, you possess a special DNA strand that can resist Borg assimilation. The holographic Doctor (from "Star Trek: Voyager") begins to explain the tests to you, but a sudden attack by the Borg has you fleeing through the destroyed corridors of the station, complete with live-actors dressed as Borg drones to menace you along the way. Eventually, you're loaded into an escape pod (another motion simulator, like the shuttle from the Klingon ride) to flee the station, but the Borg capture you and bring you aboard their cube. There, you are subjected to the assimilation process, but of course the holographic Doctor appears again to urge you to resist. When all seems lost, Captain Janeway and the USS Voyager appear to save the day, towing you to safety.
Both shows/rides (they're both a weird combination of both) are very entertaining and worth the money. Of course, both of them spit you out onto the "Deep Space Nine Promenade", which is comprised of two gift-shops, some actors dressed as Star Trek characters (the guy who plays the Klingon is awesome... the others are sort of bleh), and "Quarks Bar and Grill".
We ate at Quarks, ordering "Betazoid Rings" (onion rings) and "Ferengi Flat Bread" (flat bread). We also ordered the $30 monstrosity known as the "Borg Sphere", a giant green drink with several types of alcohol mixed in, as well as a healthy dose of dry-ice to give it a smoky, futuristic appearance. We did our best to finish it, but they apparently also mix in a healthy dose of battery acid, because that drink destroyed all of our stomachs. We all got decently buzzed off it, but we also got terrible heartburn and indigestion. Unless there are like six of you, I would not recommend ordering the Borg Sphere.
At one point, we were stuck in line after one of the rides broke down. While we waited for them to fix it, the guy dressed as a Klingon came out to work the crowd with some Klingon jokes. Here are a few of my favorites: (NOTE: These are only funny is you watch "Star Trek".)
"Three dead Ferengi are in a box. ....heh heh heh."
"What's funnier than three dead Ferengi in a box?"
"Three dead Ferengi in ten boxes."
"How do you keep a Romulan from drowning?"
"Take your boot off his head."
That night, we went to the Excalibur "Tournament of Kings", a dinner/show at the Excalibur. I have little to say about this, except that if you ever want to see it, make sure you buy tickets in the front row. And also, sit in the "Dragon" section... trust me, it's the best one. Also, I'd advise eating something before hand... it takes them approximately TEN MILLION YEARS to get your food to you. And once it gets there, it's not all that impressive.
Also, we gambled, and lost more money in the casino. Fuckin' Vegas.
DAY THREE: WAX. ALSO, SHAWN VS VIDEO BLACKJACK
Day Three, we slept in late. Too late to do much of anything. Waking up at about noon, we realized we had nothing planned for that day. We went back to Freemont Street (because, like I said, it's way cooler than the Strip) for a little bit, and checked out their "Half Price Ticket" counter. We ended up getting tickets to Madame Touseau's (sp?) Wax Museum at the Venetian hotel. It was pretty fun... we got a lot of pictures there, which will likely end up on my MySpace within the next few days (and which I will link to once they're up, if you're interested).
One thing I noticed about Vegas... every topless revue happens to be billed as "the sexiest topless revue in Vegas". I don't know if there's a committee in charge of deciding that kind of thing, but frankly I don't think they're doing their job. And also, I would very much like to be a member of that committee.
We went back to the Excalibur and did some more gambling. That day, we discovered two things: video blackjack is a lot of fun, and that people will look at you like you are crazy when you pound the video blackjack machine while screaming "You cheated! You cheated! Give me back my money!"
After losing basically the rest of my gambling money on video blackjack (and also a few ill-fated roulette bets), I swore off gambling for the rest of my life. And I managed to keep my vow all the way until the next morning, too.
That night, we went to the World Carnival Buffet at the Rio. The buffet is probably mankind's greatest invention- for a reasonable fee, you can eat plate after plate of food, gorging yourself as stupid as you want. This buffet featured food from all over the world, as well as an impressive dessert cart. I feasted on prime rib, mashed potatoes, spaghetti, lasagna, fried rice, teriyaki chicken, pizza, barbecue pork ribs, chocolate mousse, strawberry cake, and key lime pie. I felt like I got my money's worth.
As we left the buffet, Mumaw observed that it really was the hottest topless revue in Vegas.
DAY FOUR: CIRCUS CIRCUS, AND THAT'S ALL
This day, we slept in again. We had big plans for the day- we were going to watch the Penguin feeding at the Flamingo Hilton, then go to Circus Circus and get free margaritas (we had coupons), then go to the Luxor and tour their replica of King Tut's tomb, then go to MGM Grand and see the lions.
But we woke up too late for pretty much all of that. We did manage to go to the Flamingo Hilton, but it turned out they had gotten rid of their penguin exhibit a year or so ago, so we left immediately. We then went to Circus Circus and got the margaritas (but they weren't very good), and then played for awhile on the Midway (a bunch of carnival games where you win stuffed animals, which for some reason, Brooks literally cannot get enough of). We then went back to the Excalibur, because Brooks and Laura had plans to go to dinner by themselves. Mumaw and I remained at the Excalibur and watched WWE Smackdown.
When Brooks and Laura got back, we stayed up a bit and bandied about the idea of going down to gamble, but I decided that I'd given Vegas enough of my gambling and, for the second time in two days, swore off gambling for the rest of my life.
DAY FIVE: STAR TREK CONVENTION, OR "MY FATEFUL MEETING WITH WESLEY CRUSHER"
The next day, I woke up about three hours before everyone else, so I went downstairs to gamble some more. I actually managed to break even, but keep in mind that was after I had already lost about $250. When I went back upstairs, the others were awake, and we packed our things and readied ourselves for the trip home. But we had one final stop to make first... the Las Vegas Star Trek Convention.
This wasn't just any convention- it was the 20th Anniversary of the "Next Generation" show. We knew it would be an epic experience we would carry with us for the rest of our lives... and as we walked through the Hilton (where it was being held) and began to see a few people dressed in Star Trek costumes, we knew we were in for something great.
To be truthful, it was actually much smaller than I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't small, but it only took up three rooms- one room for merchandise and autographs, and two halls for special speakers and panels. Our first stop was the merchandise room. Lots and lots of stuff to buy there. I bought a totally bootlegged copy of "Doctor Who, Season Three" for about $35 cheaper than it will cost when it's actually for sale in the USA. It's actually a very good quality, too- I was worried it would be like a real shitty recording straight off of TV.
Brooks also bought a bootlegged copy of "Torchwood, Season One", the Doctor Who spinoff series starring Captain Jack. We haven't started watching it yet, so I dunno' if it's any good or not.
There were also lots of people there from not only "Star Trek", but all sorts of shows and movies. I met (and got a picture with) Virginia Hey, the woman who played Zan, the blue plant-lady on "Farscape" (she's the only one I got a picture with, because she was the only one who wasn't charging money for them, and I was almost entirely broke by this point).
I also met, and shook hands with, Richard Keil, the guy who played Jaws in the "James Bond" movies. That man is enormous. He could have crushed my hand into a fine powder if he'd wanted too... and if only he wasn't charging like $35 for a picture, I totally would have gotten a picture of him trying to pop my head like a zit.
I don't know the names of most of the rest of them, but I also met the lady who played the Bajoran Dabo-girl who marries Rom on "Deep Space Nine", the lady who dates Data in one episode of "Next Generation", the lady who plays Kaylar, the mother of Worf's child Alexander on "Next Generation", the guy who played Captain Pike on the original "Star Trek" series, the girl who was the main character from the show "Dead Like Me", and a few others who I can't remember.
And then... it happened.
We were searching the merchandise tables for a present for our friend James, who was unable to come with us to Vegas. We were having a hard time finding something in our price range that he would like, and were about to give up, when we saw a table selling Star Trek postcards.
As I flipped through the post cards, I came across one of Wesley Crusher. I picked it up and snidely remarked to Brooks that we should bring James back a lame-ass Wesley Crusher postcard.
To which Brooks replied, "Uh... he's right there."
Looking up and less than a foot to my left, I saw Wil Wheaton sitting. He was in the process of speaking with another fan, but I looked up just in time to see him shooting a glare at me before returning to his conversation. We quickly walked by, but when we returned moments later, we saw that he had gone on a break.
I like to think that he went off to cry.
I probably wouldn't have said it if I'd known he was sitting right there, but I will not apologize for my blind hatred of Wesley Crusher. And in a way, I'm glad he heard it. Because seriously... fuck Wesley Crusher.
Later, we caught a Jonathon Frakes/Brent Spiner panel, which was hilarious. They were on stage about 45 minutes, and they managed to answer about 4 questions. I also like the way they're not shy about ripping on their fans, each other, and the people they worked with... especially "that old, bald guy" Patrick Stewart. All in all, they were definitely the hottest topless revue in Vegas.
After that, we piled back into the car and headed for home.
And that's it. The end. Go home.