Especially not through . . . The London Fog! *BADOOM BADOOM!!!*
Cool.
I have questions and crit: a)What are the "slightly less foul deeds"? It seems like a very specific thing unspecified.
2)I'm not sure about the need for a "but" in But those that are not found can stay hidden for months. But that's probably just personal preference.
iii)I did not even have to walk right into their open hands is a confusing phrase. That paragraph doesn't work for me as well as the rest of the story, I think because the focus goes away from her view of things. Maybe instead of they simply carried me home, which focuses on "them", you could put something about her experience of events, like where she woke up
( ... )
Now that I finally have time to sit down and really think about this stuff:
a)What are the "slightly less foul deeds"? It seems like a very specific thing unspecified.
I was thinking along the lines of 'kidnapping children to sell to the wealthy infertile', or something along those lines - but, yes, that should be made more clear. Will fix.
2)I'm not sure about the need for a "but" in But those that are not found can stay hidden for months. But that's probably just personal preference.
I think you're right. Fixed.
iii)I did not even have to walk right into their open hands is a confusing phrase. That paragraph doesn't work for me as well as the rest of the story, I think because the focus goes away from her view of things. Maybe instead of they simply carried me home, which focuses on "them", you could put something about her experience of events, like where she woke up.Yet another example of me running out of time and deciding to just finish something the quickest way possible. I agree - that'd work better. Something to work
( ... )
Comments 3
Cool.
I have questions and crit:
a)What are the "slightly less foul deeds"? It seems like a very specific thing unspecified.
2)I'm not sure about the need for a "but" in But those that are not found can stay hidden for months. But that's probably just personal preference.
iii)I did not even have to walk right into their open hands is a confusing phrase. That paragraph doesn't work for me as well as the rest of the story, I think because the focus goes away from her view of things. Maybe instead of they simply carried me home, which focuses on "them", you could put something about her experience of events, like where she woke up ( ... )
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a)What are the "slightly less foul deeds"? It seems like a very specific thing unspecified.
I was thinking along the lines of 'kidnapping children to sell to the wealthy infertile', or something along those lines - but, yes, that should be made more clear. Will fix.
2)I'm not sure about the need for a "but" in But those that are not found can stay hidden for months. But that's probably just personal preference.
I think you're right. Fixed.
iii)I did not even have to walk right into their open hands is a confusing phrase. That paragraph doesn't work for me as well as the rest of the story, I think because the focus goes away from her view of things. Maybe instead of they simply carried me home, which focuses on "them", you could put something about her experience of events, like where she woke up.Yet another example of me running out of time and deciding to just finish something the quickest way possible. I agree - that'd work better. Something to work ( ... )
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