Argh, I give up

[lydiere]

Title:
Topic: Pure
Wordcount: 1,394
Notes: This is crap. Completely. However, it's been useful crap: I wrote this, hated it, and then realised that I was going about the whole story in the wrong way. And now, all of about four days later, I'm 10,000 words into what happens after this bit (and it involves vampires, so it must be cool!). So,

Comments

[liadlaith]

It's an interesting idea, but I can see what you mean by it only being half-finished. It needs more narrative drive, or more . . . description? evocation? At the moment it's just the start of story, rather than anything else.

Few technical things -

She's studied four years for this,
I think you need a "for" between "studied" and "four", otherwise it sounds like Kerryn has studied the four years, like one would study an insect.

They consider themselves so holy, with their masturbands, but it's not that simple.
This sentence makes no sense to me. I don't understand why Josephine would say it.

finally discovering something more about how these teenagers thing.
I think you mean "think".