I actually read this before I went to work (and didn't have time to comment), and now I'm reading it again. And I have nothing to say except, oh my god, you write the best short stories ever. Really really.
I like the way you do slow reveals :) I've always wondered why kids kill - although not ones that young, really. I wonder about 12 year olds that kill. I enjoyed this, but I didn't find the voice of the character as compelling as most of your voices, for some reason. I'm not sure why, though, so no useful critique from me.
He wasn't much of a character, was he? Just sort of a non-entity. Like he'd been walking around in shock for the past twelve years. Which, just, isn't possible. I mean, I had planned for him to be living an okay life, but there was always that - what he'd done - sitting in the background. Maybe he didn't ever have any dreams or plans . . .
Cool! I like the subject, because it's something that isn't really looked into - just like child stars, child killers cease to exist when they grow up. I liked your psychological assessment of why he did it, and I think it's probably quite accurate. There are some great details in it too, the part about learnign to spell 'adventure'(I liek that you picked a specific word) and tying the girl's shoelaces and how bad memories are packed 'underneath you underwear'. I always think odd, unexpected little details like that are what keep readers awake.
That said there are one or two little criticisms i could make. - "either in shocked silence or hysterical wailing" this seems a bit clumsy somehow. I think it could do without the either (I dont' knwo whether that's grammaticaly correct, but it would streamline a long sentence a bit) and I think the actions/states coudl be a bit more slickly worded. Maybe "shocked into silence or hysterically wailing". - the transition from him finishing school and leaving the city back in time to when he first moved there is a bit confusing. Maybe the part esatblishing that he had moved to the city should be a bit past pluperfect: "We had moved to the city and my mother had. taken a new job" just to cement the fact tha the's going back in fromt the previouus statement
( ... )
1. Yeah, I hate that line. I had so much trouble with it. It sounds like the parents are the ones who are either in shocked silence or wailing hysterically. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll see how I can fiximate it.
2. I wanted it to sort of loop around - I intended this to have a very aural/oral quality to it, like it's a story he's telling to someone he's just met. But yeah, it is confusing. I'll fix it too.
3. Well, the voice is this sort of disembodied thing that's more his conscience, but he "hears" it from his mother in her actions - you know what I mean? My protagonists always have problems with their mothers - and their mothers are always switching things off.
4. Complacent! That was the word I was looking for!
Yeah, this story is loosely based on the kid from Flint, whose tale got told in Bowling For Columbine. I just wondered what it would be like to grow up knowing you'd done that, when you were too young to really understand the concept of death at all.
When I was a kid, I always had in my mind that when I could spell the word "adventure", I could spell anything.
The "underneath your underwear" bit is most shamefully ripped off the Lucksmith's Music to Hold Hands To, which is on your mix CD. Or will be, when I burn it.
I'm glad you liked the details! Now on to the crit!
Oh, nicely done. You, madam, give good damage. I love the pacing, the personification of the secret, and {the protagonist}'s mother's damning silence.
Also, it would certainly be worth plundering the character for something bigger, if you were of a mind to. The idea could hold a reader's interest for something a lot longer than this, at least if it's you writing it.
My only real criticism is that the jump from "I left home" to "We moved to the city" seems confusing and unclear. Maybe either jiggle the order around, move the "I left home" paragraph to somewhere later, or rephrase it to something like "I would leave home" or "I was destined to leave." Well maybe not destined. That's sort of twee. But some suitable synonymn.
Oh, thanks so much! I don't know if I could write something longer with this - this was more of a character study, you know? And he does end up killing himself in the end.
Yeah, that bit is confusing, but I kind of meant it to be. The structure is very loopy. But I'll look into tidying it up.
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Much love.
kxx
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Hmm, anyway - thanks for commenting!
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(end of part 1)
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- "either in shocked silence or hysterical wailing" this seems a bit clumsy somehow. I think it could do without the either (I dont' knwo whether that's grammaticaly correct, but it would streamline a long sentence a bit) and I think the actions/states coudl be a bit more slickly worded. Maybe "shocked into silence or hysterically wailing".
- the transition from him finishing school and leaving the city back in time to when he first moved there is a bit confusing. Maybe the part esatblishing that he had moved to the city should be a bit past pluperfect: "We had moved to the city and my mother had. taken a new job" just to cement the fact tha the's going back in fromt the previouus statement ( ... )
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1. Yeah, I hate that line. I had so much trouble with it. It sounds like the parents are the ones who are either in shocked silence or wailing hysterically. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll see how I can fiximate it.
2. I wanted it to sort of loop around - I intended this to have a very aural/oral quality to it, like it's a story he's telling to someone he's just met. But yeah, it is confusing. I'll fix it too.
3. Well, the voice is this sort of disembodied thing that's more his conscience, but he "hears" it from his mother in her actions - you know what I mean? My protagonists always have problems with their mothers - and their mothers are always switching things off.
4. Complacent! That was the word I was looking for!
5. Ooh, good point. I'll take that out.
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When I was a kid, I always had in my mind that when I could spell the word "adventure", I could spell anything.
The "underneath your underwear" bit is most shamefully ripped off the Lucksmith's Music to Hold Hands To, which is on your mix CD. Or will be, when I burn it.
I'm glad you liked the details! Now on to the crit!
Reply
Also, it would certainly be worth plundering the character for something bigger, if you were of a mind to. The idea could hold a reader's interest for something a lot longer than this, at least if it's you writing it.
My only real criticism is that the jump from "I left home" to "We moved to the city" seems confusing and unclear. Maybe either jiggle the order around, move the "I left home" paragraph to somewhere later, or rephrase it to something like "I would leave home" or "I was destined to leave."
Well maybe not destined. That's sort of twee. But some suitable synonymn.
Reply
Yeah, that bit is confusing, but I kind of meant it to be. The structure is very loopy. But I'll look into tidying it up.
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