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You know how sometimes I just disappear without a word and don't update for the LONGEST time? Yeah, I hate it when I do that too. But I don't want to post a note or anything that DOESN'T include a report, because if the post count isn't equal to the Sue count it messes me up and it would make it annoying to double-check if I haven't counted wrong.
So, I've made an "Are you dead, pokemon_sues?" in my profile; if I ever go more than a day or two without posting, I plan to make updates there informing everyone of what's up. So check there, and if neither I nor my internet have died a horrible and tragic death there'll be an explanation.
Now, on to the Stu!
Title: Fortress Frontier
Culprit Author's Name: DeathPokemonSkullferno
Canon: Anime
Name: TJ Storm aka "Tege" aka Fortress Warrior TJ
Species(es): FRONTIER BRAIN OMG
Hair Color: Not mentioned
Eye Color: Not mentioned
Markings: None mentioned
Possessions: A bunch of friends and relatives that literally appear out of nowhere, a Pokenav with "Eye of the Tiger" set as its ringtone, a silver suit of armor, a "massive sword which held his Pokéballs"
Pokemon Team: Charizard ("Flare"), Pikachu ("General Pik"), Kyogre ("Ky"), Groudon ("Krusher"), Rayquaza, Blaziken ("Skar")
Origin: Apparently Ash and his friends met TJ (and his friends) on Four Island (or is TJ from Four Island and they just met him somewhere else...? It's not too clear). TJ is leik omg such a strong trainer and he beat the Battle Frontier AND now he's a Frontier Brain and going out with Lucy. He's also a self-insert and a pervert.
Connections To Canon Characters: Ash's friend/rival, Lucy's boyfriend/fiance/whatever.
Special Abilities: The ability to lobotomize me with text.
Notes: Putting aside the utter Stuishness of it, how immensely cheap is that Pokemon team? I personally don't like using Legendaries in the games because it feels like I'm cheating or something. I dunno, my gaming tactics are completely irrelevant anyway, whatever.
There were so many things about this fic that had me torn between laughing and crying at the utter stupidity, from the random unnecessary sex elements (HALF of chapter three was just Ash and TJ taking about how they wanted to do their girlfriends) to the Final Fantasy music. It's just... so... bad. I wanted to quote so many parts of it but I had to narrow it down to just the one. (Besides, aside from a couple of exceptions [both of which involve Mewtwo, oddly enough], I prefer to keep this journal relatively family-safe.)
At least Ash pwns the kid.
Samples:
“Ok. Charizard, I choose you!!!![!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]” Ash yelled. “Hey Ash! I have a proposal for you!” TJ shouted down to Ash. “What?” Ash asked as his Charizard appeared out of its Pokéball. “A Charizard dogfight. You sit on the back of yours; I sit on the back of mine.” TJ explained. “You’re mad!!!” “I know [At least he admits it.], but if I wasn’t this would probably never work!!!” “You got that from Pirates of the Caribbean at Worlds End!!” [... *headdesk headdesk headdesk*] “Ha, ha, ha! You saw that movie too huh? [Fourth wall whut.] So how bout it?” “Count me in!!!” Ash said with a smile. [PotC makes EVERYTHING okay.] The two young men mounted their Charizards while everyone in the audience was baffled. “What’s going on?” Misty asked Professor Oak. “I’m afraid to say this Misty but I don’t know.” Prof. Oak replied. “Ok everybody there has been a change of plans! As both trainers are using Charizard there will be a dogfight!” Parker announced. “Dogfight?” TJ’s cousin Lindsay [Who just SUDDENLY APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE.] asked Emma. “A dogfight is a battle in the sky.” Tate explained. “I know that but why?” [Because the author probably was high off popcorn imitation butter after coming back from the movies.] “Beats me.” Tate replied. “Ready girl?” TJ asked Flare. “Rooaarr!” came Flares roar of approval as she took off. Ash’s Charizard also took off and darted towards TJ’s. “Flamethrower!” Ash roared. “Fire Blast! But be careful I don’t want to hurt Ash!” TJ told Flare as she spat out a massive blast of flame. The two fire attacks clashed in the centre of the arena and created a huge explosion. “What happened?” May, who just finished fighting with Lucy, asked. “I don’t know. I can’t see with all this smoke!” Lucy replied. “Hey why am I talking to you?” the two girls said at the same time and resumed their fight. [I need to say something about this but I can't think of anything.]
[Blah blah random Team Rocket stuff]
Back inside the Battle Fortress the smoke was beginning to clear. When it finally did everyone saw Ash dismounting his Charizard and TJ lying on the floor with Flare on top of him. [IS HE GOING TO SUFFER FATAL WOUNDS?!!?!?! *hopeful*] “Nuts.” TJ muttered as he managed to grab his Pokéball. “Flare, return.” TJ said weakly as he called his Charizard back and got up. “Are you Ok?” Ash asked from the other end of the arena. “I’m fine! This armour [Oh right.] is virtually indestructible so it will take a hell of a lot more than that to kill me off!!!” TJ said, tapping his breastplate which made a soft clinking sound. “He’s OK folks!!!” Parker announced. “Ky! Gettim!” TJ shouted drawing an Ultra Ball from his sword. Ash gulped as he had an idea what Pokémon was coming next. The Ball opened and out of it came Kyogre. “Holy crap!!” said a gob smacked [.........] Gary and Tracey at the same time. Nutsicle!!! Ash thought. “Ky use Thunder.” TJ said calmly. “Damn!!” Ash muttered as his Charizard got frazzled with a bolt of lightning. Ash swore and recalled his Charizard. “Hitmontop I choose you!!” “Hitmontop? Since when did you get one of those?!??!” TJ asked. Ash just ignored him [since the author had no logical explanation for it] and his Hitmontop appeared wearing a medallion and holding a boombox. “What’s with the stereo?” Henry asked Brock. “It was once part of a gang and it was a break-dancer.” Brock explained. [... *headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk*] Ash’s Hitmontop set down the stereo and turned it on. “Use Rapid Spin!!” Hitmontop spun over and hit Ky repeatedly but it was no use. “Hydro Pump!” “Dodge it and use Rolling Jump Kick!!” Hitmontop dodged the torrent of water and kicked Ky into the eye. “ROOAR!!” came the water Pokémon’s deafening cry. “Finish it with Thunder Punch!!!” “Nutsicle!” TJ muttered. “Ky return!” “Go Krusher!!” Double Nutsicle! Ash thought. [STOP USING THAT WORD IT WASN'T FUNNY OR CLEVER THE FIRST TIME AND DAMNED IF IT'S FUNNY OR CLEVER THE FIFTEENTH.] Suddenly Groudon appeared in the arena. Ash looked over and thought he saw TJ smiling an evil smile. “Fissure.” TJ said in that creepy calm way. Suddenly the ground shook knocking out Hitmontop. “Damn!” Ash shouted. “Go Torte….” Ash was unable to finish his sentence because at that moment Jessie, James, Meowth and Butch fell through the ceiling and landed in the centre of the arena. Jessie looked up and saw Groudon next to her. “Ahh!” she screamed as it kicked her into a wall. [Getting kicked by Groudon = OUCH. Fortunately Team Rocket is invincible.]
Suddenly Team Rocket goons came flocking in by the dozens. Police Chief Jenny got out of her seat and took a radio out of her skirt pocket and spoke into it. A couple of seconds later police officers came into the arena in the same fashion as the Rockets. Suddenly Jenny was grabbed around the throat from behind. She looked around and saw Giovanni who was also pointing a gun at her head. “You will tell your officers to back up or you will die!” Without saying anything Jenny typed Owens number into her Pokénav which was in her other pocket and hit the call button. “Call them off. NOW!!” “Ok.” She grabbed her radio off the ground and spoke into it, “Attention all officers. You are not to harm any member of Team Rocket as it will put my life at risk.” Suddenly a bullet whizzed past Giovanni’s ear. “I told you to call them off!” Giovanni hissed. “I did.” “But they are firing at me.” Jenny looked down and saw a Rocket agent pointing a gun at her. Suddenly the agent smiled and she realised that it was Owen. “That’s it!” Giovanni grunted as he dragged Jenny down to the basement. Owen saw what was going on and followed him. [Yawn. Whatever.]
“Krusher use Fissure!” TJ roared and with that Groudon created another fissure which sent both Police officer and Rocket member flying. “Torterra use Frenzy Plant!” Torterra’s Frenzy Plant swatted the Team Rocket men away but there were still a lot of them. “Steelix use Meteor Mash!” Brock yelled. [Why does Brock have Steelix?? Why doesn't... what's-his-face... Forrest have it?] “Gyarados use Hydro Cannon!” Misty shouted. “Blaziken use Blast Burn!!” May cried. “Gardevoir use Psychic!” Max yelled. “Seviper use Toxic!” Lucy yelled. “Regice use Ice Beam!” Brandon roared. “Eevee use Shadow Ball!” Lindsay cried. [OH. AN EEVEE.] “Pik’r use Volt Tackle!” Emma shouted. [WTF is a "Pik'r"?] “Machamp use Mega Punch!” Henry yelled. After all the attacks the remaining Rockets fled. “Yeah you better run!!!” Gary mocked. “Shut up Gary you wanker.” TJ said. [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WTF.]
Rating:
So, I've made an "Are you dead, pokemon_sues?" in my profile; if I ever go more than a day or two without posting, I plan to make updates there informing everyone of what's up. So check there, and if neither I nor my internet have died a horrible and tragic death there'll be an explanation.
Now, on to the Stu!
Title: Fortress Frontier
Culprit Author's Name: DeathPokemonSkullferno
Canon: Anime
Name: TJ Storm aka "Tege" aka Fortress Warrior TJ
Species(es): FRONTIER BRAIN OMG
Hair Color: Not mentioned
Eye Color: Not mentioned
Markings: None mentioned
Possessions: A bunch of friends and relatives that literally appear out of nowhere, a Pokenav with "Eye of the Tiger" set as its ringtone, a silver suit of armor, a "massive sword which held his Pokéballs"
Pokemon Team: Charizard ("Flare"), Pikachu ("General Pik"), Kyogre ("Ky"), Groudon ("Krusher"), Rayquaza, Blaziken ("Skar")
Origin: Apparently Ash and his friends met TJ (and his friends) on Four Island (or is TJ from Four Island and they just met him somewhere else...? It's not too clear). TJ is leik omg such a strong trainer and he beat the Battle Frontier AND now he's a Frontier Brain and going out with Lucy. He's also a self-insert and a pervert.
Connections To Canon Characters: Ash's friend/rival, Lucy's boyfriend/fiance/whatever.
Special Abilities: The ability to lobotomize me with text.
Notes: Putting aside the utter Stuishness of it, how immensely cheap is that Pokemon team? I personally don't like using Legendaries in the games because it feels like I'm cheating or something. I dunno, my gaming tactics are completely irrelevant anyway, whatever.
There were so many things about this fic that had me torn between laughing and crying at the utter stupidity, from the random unnecessary sex elements (HALF of chapter three was just Ash and TJ taking about how they wanted to do their girlfriends) to the Final Fantasy music. It's just... so... bad. I wanted to quote so many parts of it but I had to narrow it down to just the one. (Besides, aside from a couple of exceptions [both of which involve Mewtwo, oddly enough], I prefer to keep this journal relatively family-safe.)
At least Ash pwns the kid.
Samples:
“Ok. Charizard, I choose you!!!![!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]” Ash yelled. “Hey Ash! I have a proposal for you!” TJ shouted down to Ash. “What?” Ash asked as his Charizard appeared out of its Pokéball. “A Charizard dogfight. You sit on the back of yours; I sit on the back of mine.” TJ explained. “You’re mad!!!” “I know [At least he admits it.], but if I wasn’t this would probably never work!!!” “You got that from Pirates of the Caribbean at Worlds End!!” [... *headdesk headdesk headdesk*] “Ha, ha, ha! You saw that movie too huh? [Fourth wall whut.] So how bout it?” “Count me in!!!” Ash said with a smile. [PotC makes EVERYTHING okay.] The two young men mounted their Charizards while everyone in the audience was baffled. “What’s going on?” Misty asked Professor Oak. “I’m afraid to say this Misty but I don’t know.” Prof. Oak replied. “Ok everybody there has been a change of plans! As both trainers are using Charizard there will be a dogfight!” Parker announced. “Dogfight?” TJ’s cousin Lindsay [Who just SUDDENLY APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE.] asked Emma. “A dogfight is a battle in the sky.” Tate explained. “I know that but why?” [Because the author probably was high off popcorn imitation butter after coming back from the movies.] “Beats me.” Tate replied. “Ready girl?” TJ asked Flare. “Rooaarr!” came Flares roar of approval as she took off. Ash’s Charizard also took off and darted towards TJ’s. “Flamethrower!” Ash roared. “Fire Blast! But be careful I don’t want to hurt Ash!” TJ told Flare as she spat out a massive blast of flame. The two fire attacks clashed in the centre of the arena and created a huge explosion. “What happened?” May, who just finished fighting with Lucy, asked. “I don’t know. I can’t see with all this smoke!” Lucy replied. “Hey why am I talking to you?” the two girls said at the same time and resumed their fight. [I need to say something about this but I can't think of anything.]
[Blah blah random Team Rocket stuff]
Back inside the Battle Fortress the smoke was beginning to clear. When it finally did everyone saw Ash dismounting his Charizard and TJ lying on the floor with Flare on top of him. [IS HE GOING TO SUFFER FATAL WOUNDS?!!?!?! *hopeful*] “Nuts.” TJ muttered as he managed to grab his Pokéball. “Flare, return.” TJ said weakly as he called his Charizard back and got up. “Are you Ok?” Ash asked from the other end of the arena. “I’m fine! This armour [Oh right.] is virtually indestructible so it will take a hell of a lot more than that to kill me off!!!” TJ said, tapping his breastplate which made a soft clinking sound. “He’s OK folks!!!” Parker announced. “Ky! Gettim!” TJ shouted drawing an Ultra Ball from his sword. Ash gulped as he had an idea what Pokémon was coming next. The Ball opened and out of it came Kyogre. “Holy crap!!” said a gob smacked [.........] Gary and Tracey at the same time. Nutsicle!!! Ash thought. “Ky use Thunder.” TJ said calmly. “Damn!!” Ash muttered as his Charizard got frazzled with a bolt of lightning. Ash swore and recalled his Charizard. “Hitmontop I choose you!!” “Hitmontop? Since when did you get one of those?!??!” TJ asked. Ash just ignored him [since the author had no logical explanation for it] and his Hitmontop appeared wearing a medallion and holding a boombox. “What’s with the stereo?” Henry asked Brock. “It was once part of a gang and it was a break-dancer.” Brock explained. [... *headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk*] Ash’s Hitmontop set down the stereo and turned it on. “Use Rapid Spin!!” Hitmontop spun over and hit Ky repeatedly but it was no use. “Hydro Pump!” “Dodge it and use Rolling Jump Kick!!” Hitmontop dodged the torrent of water and kicked Ky into the eye. “ROOAR!!” came the water Pokémon’s deafening cry. “Finish it with Thunder Punch!!!” “Nutsicle!” TJ muttered. “Ky return!” “Go Krusher!!” Double Nutsicle! Ash thought. [STOP USING THAT WORD IT WASN'T FUNNY OR CLEVER THE FIRST TIME AND DAMNED IF IT'S FUNNY OR CLEVER THE FIFTEENTH.] Suddenly Groudon appeared in the arena. Ash looked over and thought he saw TJ smiling an evil smile. “Fissure.” TJ said in that creepy calm way. Suddenly the ground shook knocking out Hitmontop. “Damn!” Ash shouted. “Go Torte….” Ash was unable to finish his sentence because at that moment Jessie, James, Meowth and Butch fell through the ceiling and landed in the centre of the arena. Jessie looked up and saw Groudon next to her. “Ahh!” she screamed as it kicked her into a wall. [Getting kicked by Groudon = OUCH. Fortunately Team Rocket is invincible.]
Suddenly Team Rocket goons came flocking in by the dozens. Police Chief Jenny got out of her seat and took a radio out of her skirt pocket and spoke into it. A couple of seconds later police officers came into the arena in the same fashion as the Rockets. Suddenly Jenny was grabbed around the throat from behind. She looked around and saw Giovanni who was also pointing a gun at her head. “You will tell your officers to back up or you will die!” Without saying anything Jenny typed Owens number into her Pokénav which was in her other pocket and hit the call button. “Call them off. NOW!!” “Ok.” She grabbed her radio off the ground and spoke into it, “Attention all officers. You are not to harm any member of Team Rocket as it will put my life at risk.” Suddenly a bullet whizzed past Giovanni’s ear. “I told you to call them off!” Giovanni hissed. “I did.” “But they are firing at me.” Jenny looked down and saw a Rocket agent pointing a gun at her. Suddenly the agent smiled and she realised that it was Owen. “That’s it!” Giovanni grunted as he dragged Jenny down to the basement. Owen saw what was going on and followed him. [Yawn. Whatever.]
“Krusher use Fissure!” TJ roared and with that Groudon created another fissure which sent both Police officer and Rocket member flying. “Torterra use Frenzy Plant!” Torterra’s Frenzy Plant swatted the Team Rocket men away but there were still a lot of them. “Steelix use Meteor Mash!” Brock yelled. [Why does Brock have Steelix?? Why doesn't... what's-his-face... Forrest have it?] “Gyarados use Hydro Cannon!” Misty shouted. “Blaziken use Blast Burn!!” May cried. “Gardevoir use Psychic!” Max yelled. “Seviper use Toxic!” Lucy yelled. “Regice use Ice Beam!” Brandon roared. “Eevee use Shadow Ball!” Lindsay cried. [OH. AN EEVEE.] “Pik’r use Volt Tackle!” Emma shouted. [WTF is a "Pik'r"?] “Machamp use Mega Punch!” Henry yelled. After all the attacks the remaining Rockets fled. “Yeah you better run!!!” Gary mocked. “Shut up Gary you wanker.” TJ said. [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WTF.]
Rating: