yes yes. who are you? these are really good. there are a lot of uses of words that risk overdrama (bony stranger, calf, smoking stuff, footprints, blah blah) but at the last second you keep it on the road. I personally am in this phase where I don't write conspicuously poetic phrases that you would never say, like "a sandal’s grounding," and right now I think it's best avoided. the whole first stanza of 3 is junky IMO, but you're probably unlikely to replace your whole first stanza, eh?
& I don't understand the delayed "hack" at the end of 2, would you explain please?
Hi, thanks for the comments! They were all written in the last two months so I think I need to eventually edit them with fresh eyes. The second line of Make no mistake ("ash, fruit, and calf") sounds clumsy to me but I haven't figured out a solution yet. In Caste, I thought I could get away with "bony stranger" because the rest of it is undecorated. Do you think "bony man" sounds better? (That's what it originally was)
The hack is indented as a clue to the reader that the rest of the poem is important. The first half is cryptic and that line is the big reveal. It's also supposed to signify breaths that the narrator takes as he hacks. ("as she hacks"? The gender's never mentioned, but I don't think I hit it very well.) I reworked the first two for a poetry competition at my school. If you or someone else is interested, I can post the revised versions.
Also, I don't know what you look like but I like your teeth.
I'd change "Father's" to "His" in Passing. This is just one example, there are many spots the word choice or phrasing is borderline forced, and doesn't need to be.
Still, it's good material, and I only wish PoetrySlamming were still active the way it used to be.
I like them. It feels odd to say that, but they aren't trite or boring, and some of the images feel very well-hewn.
Cryptic is the correct word to describe it. The images garner emotion, and feel genuine. I appreciate the second, which feels like someone's little soliloquy to his cigarettes, and more: the speaker is also relating this feeling of fleeting life to someone or something else.
The feeling that I want to inquire about your choices and meanings is a pleasant refresher from: [A] complete, blinding transparency, as the bottom of a shallow pool. [B] the feeling of, instead, having to ask what someone was thinking, because their shit reads like a page of Poirot, slipped in with Martha Stewart. [C] reading a poem that mentions the heart, and how it is like a fragile work of some phylum of glass crafting.
So, "yes". Whole glass-heartedly. Give us more. The terrible burden will be returning the favor of criticism to this community, should you become entwined in it.
So crisp, interesting, and you have a great ear (eye?) for line breaks. The only thing that I'm a little lost on are what I assume are cultural references: the name Hari in #1, and perhaps its relation to caste, and almost all of #3. But I love your writing here.
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& I don't understand the delayed "hack" at the end of 2, would you explain please?
also you're cute. good job on that.
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The hack is indented as a clue to the reader that the rest of the poem is important. The first half is cryptic and that line is the big reveal. It's also supposed to signify breaths that the narrator takes as he hacks. ("as she hacks"? The gender's never mentioned, but I don't think I hit it very well.) I reworked the first two for a poetry competition at my school. If you or someone else is interested, I can post the revised versions.
Also, I don't know what you look like but I like your teeth.
Reply
Still, it's good material, and I only wish PoetrySlamming were still active the way it used to be.
Reply
It feels odd to say that, but they aren't trite or boring, and some of the images feel very well-hewn.
Cryptic is the correct word to describe it. The images garner emotion, and feel genuine. I appreciate the second, which feels like someone's little soliloquy to his cigarettes, and more: the speaker is also relating this feeling of fleeting life to someone or something else.
The feeling that I want to inquire about your choices and meanings is a pleasant refresher from:
[A] complete, blinding transparency, as the bottom of a shallow pool.
[B] the feeling of, instead, having to ask what someone was thinking, because their shit reads like a page of Poirot, slipped in with Martha Stewart.
[C] reading a poem that mentions the heart, and how it is like a fragile work of some phylum of glass crafting.
So, "yes". Whole glass-heartedly.
Give us more.
The terrible burden will be returning the favor of criticism to this community, should you become entwined in it.
- Kirasawa
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