Comments | poetryslamming: In a mood.

agent_kirasawa in poetryslamming

In a mood.

Apr 18, 2010 00:36

In a mood to write, and I might be in a mean mood, because I don't necessarily think my poetry is going to be good tonight.
I would rip this apart if it were someone else's, but I can't think of anything to do with or to it just now.

( Bottom Drawer. )

Comments 9

chibibluebird April 18 2010, 22:10:08 UTC

I guess it's ironic that the violence of burning women's pictures(!) produces "evidence/that she and I are happy". (We know this current relationship probably isn't going to end happily!)

The first line of the poem is unpromising (an adjective isn't an image) - I wonder what would happen if you just removed the line?

"lasting fond memories" is, of course, a cliche

and "love in the eyes" is a good idea, but is not yet an image

agent_kirasawa April 19 2010, 01:23:38 UTC

I appreciate that, especially from someone of your caliber, Chibi.

I think I will remove the first line.

"lasting fond memories" can be replaced, I think, but at the time I was out of ideas as with what to replace them.
reference to Ozymandias might either be too obscure, or too pedestrian.

"love in the eyes"...
The only image that comes to mind is the effect they used to use in movies when introducing a beautiful girl: they would darken the top and bottom of the screen to draw attention to her eyes.
Any thoughts on how to draw that in a few words?

Where is slomo to tell you this poem sucks? punctum_punctum April 19 2010, 11:21:08 UTC

The poem would be awesomer if the first line was "She was a gap." Maybe that could your entire poem. It'd at least encapsulate the spirit of your poem better than what's here.

Re: Where is slomo to tell you this poem sucks? agent_kirasawa April 20 2010, 07:05:53 UTC

I'm not sure where Slomo has gone.
I'm glad you think my poem sucks, because that means you read it, and took me at my word that I wanted it berated.

You've done your part.

Would you care to offer anything constructive on top of that, or should I really just say "fuck it", and get rid of the whole thing?

Re: Where is slomo to tell you this poem sucks? punctum_punctum April 20 2010, 07:33:58 UTC

This reads like a short story that you didn't bother putting in the energy to finish so you tacked on some poemy maudlin bullshit ending and hope it passes for a poem. Just write the short story or say "fuck it."

Re: Where is slomo to tell you this poem sucks? agent_kirasawa April 20 2010, 14:58:27 UTC

Thank you for the constructive criticism ( ... )

Thread 7