Havemercy Fic - Crossing the Line (18/28)
Title: Crossing The Line
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,309 for this chapter
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to the wonderful Jaida Jones and Danielle Bennett, although there may be one or two of my own creation :)
Summary: When he decides to search for an art tutor, little does sixteen year old Etienne know that he's about to embark on an adventurous summer of maturity, secrets and self-discovery. However, he's not the only one in the family who's been hiding things, as Castle Nevers will never be the same again.
Author's Notes: Thanks to manyfacesofme22 for betaing.
( Previous chapters)
Etienne
I couldn’t stop thinking about Jude.
As the days passed I felt more comfortable with him. It was nice to know that there was someone who I could talk to who understood how I was feeling. I felt like I could confide in him about anything and he’d listen without judgement or reproach. He was the one person I didn’t have to keep any secrets from, and the time I spent with him was a welcome reprieve. I was still a little nervous about being around him, yet I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. He scared me, but in a good way. I started to question whether the butterflies in my stomach were less to do with my uncertainty with the situation and more to do with him. I found myself eager to make him smile, to reassure him that this was okay, that we were okay, whilst all the time I could feel myself hurtling towards feelings that soon I would not be able to retreat from.
Then I had the dream.
It had started off innocently enough: we were in the garden, the grass and sky more vividly bright than they could ever be in reality. Charcoal trees bordered the garden, and the pond looked little more than a splash of watercolour. Jude and I were painting the kitchen window frame. Our chatter turned to gentle mocking, both of us teasing each other until Jude reached out and painted a red stripe on my arm. After a second’s surprise I retaliated. We jabbed at each other, the paintbrushes that growing smaller and smaller until Jude darted away, dodging the lunge of my arm and running down the garden, laughing as he went. I chased after him but stopped as I neared the trees. He’d disappeared amongst their trunks, and I edged hesitantly forwards. I’d almost reached them when something heavy smacked into my side and knocked me to the ground.
I rolled onto my back to find myself pinned underneath Jude.
“Got you,” he said cheerfully. His grin faded as he noticed how close we were, his face taking on a different expression altogether. Our breaths mingled in the few inches between us, suddenly very loud. He leant down a little, then stopped himself, eyes snapping from my lips back up to my eyes as if to ask permission. I nodded.
I closed my eyes as I felt his lips descend onto mine. They were warm and soft, moving gently against my own. I copied his movements, unsure of what else to do. It wasn’t long before I became aware of his mouth opening slightly. He caught my lower lip between his own then drew it into his mouth. I wanted more; wanted to get closer. I opened my mouth a little wider, our breath now shared as the kiss deepened slightly. I felt his tongue against my lip. I opened my mouth wider still, eager to deepen the kiss further as we grew more passionate. I felt his tongue slide past my lips and-
“Why are you blushing, little bro?” asked Will, pulling me out of my reverie.
“I’m not. It’s hot in here, is all,” I lied.
Will clearly didn’t believe me. “Fine. Keep your secrets to yourself, then.” He turned to smirk at Alex, who suddenly seemed very interested in his breakfast. His reaction was peculiar, but my thoughts soon turned back to Jude.
The next time I had an art lesson, I was intensely more aware of Jude’s presence. I had to pretend that everything was normal; that I couldn’t still feel his lips on mine, his weight on top of me, his tongue sliding against my own. I immersed myself in my art, desperate to get the images out of my head.
At lunchtime, Ethan praised me for my hard work.
“I’ve never seen you so driven,” he stated, voice warmed with pride. “Those new portraits, they’re - they’re really something, Etienne.”
Jude grinned at me from across the table and I smiled back, ducking my head when I realised that I was blushing once again.
Over the next few times I saw Jude, I found it increasingly difficult to act normally around him. I found myself blushing with his praise, eager to please him and make him laugh, and so utterly self-conscious in a way I had never been before. I was too aware of the space between us. I could feel the warmth of his body when he was close, and my fingers tingled when his accidentally brushed them. I was both apprehensive and excited to see him, and on the days that I did not see him, I grew impatient for the days that I did.
And, worse of all, the dream became a nightly occurrence.
It grew more detailed every time, the kiss lengthening and deepening until I woke up, hot and flustered, ashamed to feel the effect the dream had had on my body. It was difficult to look him in the eye when I saw him, but it didn’t take long for Jude’s warmth and friendliness reassure me once more.
I finally snapped the following weekend. My feelings had been developing for him all week, and I found myself quite miserable on Saturday, knowing I would not see him for three more days. I had to pretend that everything was normal for my family, when inside I was anxious to see him again. The dream taunted me, becoming the sole thing I could think about throughout the days. Jude was always on my mind, and by the Monday evening I couldn’t take any more.
I was tense the next morning, following Ethan’s instructions without much thought. I picked at my food during lunch, my nerves making it impossible for me to eat anything. Ethan asked Jude to wash some clothes that afternoon, and that, finally, was my chance to be alone with him.
We sat on the edge of the bath tub, leaning over the water within and rubbing soap onto the clothes pulled over the scrubbing board. We kept bumping into each other accidentally, and each time he would pull back gently. He was being careful with me, and whilst I appreciated it, it also frustrated me a little. I almost wanted him to be as impulsive as he usually was and kiss me again.
But I shouldn’t have been thinking like that, a voice in my head reminded me. It sounded like Mama. I pushed it to the back of my mind, trying to ignore it.
I kept the conversation as light as ever, careful to not betray my inner feelings. My thoughts were scattered, and I had no idea how to ask for what I wanted; didn’t dare to act as I had dreamed. It became more difficult as the afternoon went on. I had never been a good liar, and I felt as though he had sensed that something about my manner was different.
He scratched his cheek, leaving a few soap suds on his face. I leaned forwards and wiped it away for him, but I couldn’t bring myself to remove my hand. It wrapped around his jaw, my eyes mesmerised by my thumb caressing his cheek.
“Eti?” His voice was shaken and I felt his breath brushing my face. I hadn’t even realised that I’d moved that close.
“I-” I couldn’t say what I wanted to, couldn’t explain this tumult of feelings inside me.
I had to see if what I felt in the dream could be real.
I closed the gap between us. His lips were chapped, not soft like they were in the dream, and it served to remind me that this was real. I pulled back immediately.
“Sorry!” My hand smacked the side of the tub as it fell down.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he said, his voice placating.
“No, it’s not.” I stared down at my feet. Things could only get worse from here, because of the simple fact that I had enjoyed the kiss. I knew deep down that I wanted to do it again.
“Did - did I do something wrong?” I felt guilty at the apprehension in his voice.
“No!” I winced at the eagerness in my voice. “No, quite the opposite. It’s - it’s everyone else.” I looked up to smile at him. “You’re the only good thing in all of this, actually.”
His expression was a mixture of relief and confusion. “So what are you saying?”
I sighed, my mind confirming what I had been suspecting for a while. “It seems that I might be a bit of a Nellie after all.” I looked up at him. “And that my feelings for you might not be completely platonic.”
He gaped at me for a second before grinning widely at me. I couldn’t help my own smile, ducking my head once more to conceal my embarrassment. He made a soft noise in his throat and I pressed on, aware of the dangers that my epiphany could bring.
“There are dozens of reasons why this wouldn’t work,” I continued. I felt that one of us had to be sensible and think about the consequences of my confession, and I knew that person would not be Jude. “My parents, our brothers, what if people found out? What if it was something more - and I’m not saying it will be, but - but what if it was and then we messed it up and fell out, I couldn’t stand that, and the art, and-”
“Slow down.” He paused as he considered something. “If anything happens then people don’t need to know about it.”
“But what if they did find out? Will and Alfie hate each other, Jude, they could really make things hard for us if they wanted.”
The confusion on his face sharpened. “They what? They don’t know each other.”
I nodded. “They do. They’ve got this stupid rivalry thing going on and it’s just - it’s too risky, if anything went wrong or if anyone found out it could ruin everything.”
He leant closer. “No one has to know anything unless we want them to, okay?” He smiled suddenly. “And you do realise you’re talking as if something will happen between the two of us, don’t you?”
I felt the familiar heat in my cheeks. “It was theoretical,” I said softly, but even as I said the words I knew they weren’t true.
“Was it?”
I considered his question carefully, knowing how important my answer was. Whatever I said now I could not back down from. I thought of Mama’s reaction if she found out, of the ostracism that we would feel from our peers in the country if they knew, of the pressure I would be under to lie and keep secrets all the time from those I loved. Then I thought of how hurt Jude would be if I claimed I didn’t want to be more than friends, and how awful it would be if things became strained between us. Despite what I had already told him about my feelings, I knew that if I said I didn’t want to pursue things further, he would respect my wishes. My gut twisted horribly. I knew that I appreciated and enjoyed his friendship and support, but I hadn’t realised how much I needed it. To lose Jude - that would be the worst outcome of all. I had my answer, then.
“No. Perhaps not.”
His breath caught in his throat. “But you’re too scared to act on that because of how your family - and, well, everyone else - will react?”
“Yes.”
He edged a little closer and put a hand on my knee. The warmth of his hand soaked through the fabric of my trousers and the skin it touched became hypersensitive. “You can’t live your life trying to please others or worrying about what they’ll think. You should do what pleases you, not what you think others will approve of.”
I knew he was right, but I still couldn’t stop myself from worrying. It wasn’t just for my sake, but for his too. “But what if-”
He shushed me. “No more what ifs.” I could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “You know,” he said, voice failing to be nonchalant, “sometimes it’s good to do things without thinking about them.”
His face was now much closer to mine and his tongue darted out to lick his lips. “I won’t do this if you don’t want me to.”
My breath hitched. “I want you to.”
We moved forwards at the same time, making the kiss a little harder than I had intended. He pulled back slightly, making the next few kisses gentler. Our lips only met for a second each time, small touches that soon developed into something more. He shifted closer to me, the hand on my knee squeezing slightly. He opened his mouth against mine as he raised his other hand to hold the back of my neck. It was damp from the washing, but that wasn’t what made me shiver.
He pulled back slightly as he felt my body tremor. “Okay?” His voice was as soft as his thumb caressing the back of my neck. I nodded, lunging forwards to close the gap once more. It wasn’t long before I felt his tongue lap gently at my lower lip, and I moved my own tongue to meet his. I put my hand on his jaw, not to keep him there - for I knew Jude would not move away - but to ground myself. I was almost giddy with happiness, with how right this felt.
We pulled apart at the sound of Jude’s Papa calling up the stairs. We breathed heavily together in the small gap between us, Jude resting his forehead against mine briefly. He pulled away altogether, then grinned at me.
I smiled back.
Next
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,309 for this chapter
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to the wonderful Jaida Jones and Danielle Bennett, although there may be one or two of my own creation :)
Summary: When he decides to search for an art tutor, little does sixteen year old Etienne know that he's about to embark on an adventurous summer of maturity, secrets and self-discovery. However, he's not the only one in the family who's been hiding things, as Castle Nevers will never be the same again.
Author's Notes: Thanks to manyfacesofme22 for betaing.
( Previous chapters)
Etienne
I couldn’t stop thinking about Jude.
As the days passed I felt more comfortable with him. It was nice to know that there was someone who I could talk to who understood how I was feeling. I felt like I could confide in him about anything and he’d listen without judgement or reproach. He was the one person I didn’t have to keep any secrets from, and the time I spent with him was a welcome reprieve. I was still a little nervous about being around him, yet I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. He scared me, but in a good way. I started to question whether the butterflies in my stomach were less to do with my uncertainty with the situation and more to do with him. I found myself eager to make him smile, to reassure him that this was okay, that we were okay, whilst all the time I could feel myself hurtling towards feelings that soon I would not be able to retreat from.
Then I had the dream.
It had started off innocently enough: we were in the garden, the grass and sky more vividly bright than they could ever be in reality. Charcoal trees bordered the garden, and the pond looked little more than a splash of watercolour. Jude and I were painting the kitchen window frame. Our chatter turned to gentle mocking, both of us teasing each other until Jude reached out and painted a red stripe on my arm. After a second’s surprise I retaliated. We jabbed at each other, the paintbrushes that growing smaller and smaller until Jude darted away, dodging the lunge of my arm and running down the garden, laughing as he went. I chased after him but stopped as I neared the trees. He’d disappeared amongst their trunks, and I edged hesitantly forwards. I’d almost reached them when something heavy smacked into my side and knocked me to the ground.
I rolled onto my back to find myself pinned underneath Jude.
“Got you,” he said cheerfully. His grin faded as he noticed how close we were, his face taking on a different expression altogether. Our breaths mingled in the few inches between us, suddenly very loud. He leant down a little, then stopped himself, eyes snapping from my lips back up to my eyes as if to ask permission. I nodded.
I closed my eyes as I felt his lips descend onto mine. They were warm and soft, moving gently against my own. I copied his movements, unsure of what else to do. It wasn’t long before I became aware of his mouth opening slightly. He caught my lower lip between his own then drew it into his mouth. I wanted more; wanted to get closer. I opened my mouth a little wider, our breath now shared as the kiss deepened slightly. I felt his tongue against my lip. I opened my mouth wider still, eager to deepen the kiss further as we grew more passionate. I felt his tongue slide past my lips and-
“Why are you blushing, little bro?” asked Will, pulling me out of my reverie.
“I’m not. It’s hot in here, is all,” I lied.
Will clearly didn’t believe me. “Fine. Keep your secrets to yourself, then.” He turned to smirk at Alex, who suddenly seemed very interested in his breakfast. His reaction was peculiar, but my thoughts soon turned back to Jude.
The next time I had an art lesson, I was intensely more aware of Jude’s presence. I had to pretend that everything was normal; that I couldn’t still feel his lips on mine, his weight on top of me, his tongue sliding against my own. I immersed myself in my art, desperate to get the images out of my head.
At lunchtime, Ethan praised me for my hard work.
“I’ve never seen you so driven,” he stated, voice warmed with pride. “Those new portraits, they’re - they’re really something, Etienne.”
Jude grinned at me from across the table and I smiled back, ducking my head when I realised that I was blushing once again.
Over the next few times I saw Jude, I found it increasingly difficult to act normally around him. I found myself blushing with his praise, eager to please him and make him laugh, and so utterly self-conscious in a way I had never been before. I was too aware of the space between us. I could feel the warmth of his body when he was close, and my fingers tingled when his accidentally brushed them. I was both apprehensive and excited to see him, and on the days that I did not see him, I grew impatient for the days that I did.
And, worse of all, the dream became a nightly occurrence.
It grew more detailed every time, the kiss lengthening and deepening until I woke up, hot and flustered, ashamed to feel the effect the dream had had on my body. It was difficult to look him in the eye when I saw him, but it didn’t take long for Jude’s warmth and friendliness reassure me once more.
I finally snapped the following weekend. My feelings had been developing for him all week, and I found myself quite miserable on Saturday, knowing I would not see him for three more days. I had to pretend that everything was normal for my family, when inside I was anxious to see him again. The dream taunted me, becoming the sole thing I could think about throughout the days. Jude was always on my mind, and by the Monday evening I couldn’t take any more.
I was tense the next morning, following Ethan’s instructions without much thought. I picked at my food during lunch, my nerves making it impossible for me to eat anything. Ethan asked Jude to wash some clothes that afternoon, and that, finally, was my chance to be alone with him.
We sat on the edge of the bath tub, leaning over the water within and rubbing soap onto the clothes pulled over the scrubbing board. We kept bumping into each other accidentally, and each time he would pull back gently. He was being careful with me, and whilst I appreciated it, it also frustrated me a little. I almost wanted him to be as impulsive as he usually was and kiss me again.
But I shouldn’t have been thinking like that, a voice in my head reminded me. It sounded like Mama. I pushed it to the back of my mind, trying to ignore it.
I kept the conversation as light as ever, careful to not betray my inner feelings. My thoughts were scattered, and I had no idea how to ask for what I wanted; didn’t dare to act as I had dreamed. It became more difficult as the afternoon went on. I had never been a good liar, and I felt as though he had sensed that something about my manner was different.
He scratched his cheek, leaving a few soap suds on his face. I leaned forwards and wiped it away for him, but I couldn’t bring myself to remove my hand. It wrapped around his jaw, my eyes mesmerised by my thumb caressing his cheek.
“Eti?” His voice was shaken and I felt his breath brushing my face. I hadn’t even realised that I’d moved that close.
“I-” I couldn’t say what I wanted to, couldn’t explain this tumult of feelings inside me.
I had to see if what I felt in the dream could be real.
I closed the gap between us. His lips were chapped, not soft like they were in the dream, and it served to remind me that this was real. I pulled back immediately.
“Sorry!” My hand smacked the side of the tub as it fell down.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he said, his voice placating.
“No, it’s not.” I stared down at my feet. Things could only get worse from here, because of the simple fact that I had enjoyed the kiss. I knew deep down that I wanted to do it again.
“Did - did I do something wrong?” I felt guilty at the apprehension in his voice.
“No!” I winced at the eagerness in my voice. “No, quite the opposite. It’s - it’s everyone else.” I looked up to smile at him. “You’re the only good thing in all of this, actually.”
His expression was a mixture of relief and confusion. “So what are you saying?”
I sighed, my mind confirming what I had been suspecting for a while. “It seems that I might be a bit of a Nellie after all.” I looked up at him. “And that my feelings for you might not be completely platonic.”
He gaped at me for a second before grinning widely at me. I couldn’t help my own smile, ducking my head once more to conceal my embarrassment. He made a soft noise in his throat and I pressed on, aware of the dangers that my epiphany could bring.
“There are dozens of reasons why this wouldn’t work,” I continued. I felt that one of us had to be sensible and think about the consequences of my confession, and I knew that person would not be Jude. “My parents, our brothers, what if people found out? What if it was something more - and I’m not saying it will be, but - but what if it was and then we messed it up and fell out, I couldn’t stand that, and the art, and-”
“Slow down.” He paused as he considered something. “If anything happens then people don’t need to know about it.”
“But what if they did find out? Will and Alfie hate each other, Jude, they could really make things hard for us if they wanted.”
The confusion on his face sharpened. “They what? They don’t know each other.”
I nodded. “They do. They’ve got this stupid rivalry thing going on and it’s just - it’s too risky, if anything went wrong or if anyone found out it could ruin everything.”
He leant closer. “No one has to know anything unless we want them to, okay?” He smiled suddenly. “And you do realise you’re talking as if something will happen between the two of us, don’t you?”
I felt the familiar heat in my cheeks. “It was theoretical,” I said softly, but even as I said the words I knew they weren’t true.
“Was it?”
I considered his question carefully, knowing how important my answer was. Whatever I said now I could not back down from. I thought of Mama’s reaction if she found out, of the ostracism that we would feel from our peers in the country if they knew, of the pressure I would be under to lie and keep secrets all the time from those I loved. Then I thought of how hurt Jude would be if I claimed I didn’t want to be more than friends, and how awful it would be if things became strained between us. Despite what I had already told him about my feelings, I knew that if I said I didn’t want to pursue things further, he would respect my wishes. My gut twisted horribly. I knew that I appreciated and enjoyed his friendship and support, but I hadn’t realised how much I needed it. To lose Jude - that would be the worst outcome of all. I had my answer, then.
“No. Perhaps not.”
His breath caught in his throat. “But you’re too scared to act on that because of how your family - and, well, everyone else - will react?”
“Yes.”
He edged a little closer and put a hand on my knee. The warmth of his hand soaked through the fabric of my trousers and the skin it touched became hypersensitive. “You can’t live your life trying to please others or worrying about what they’ll think. You should do what pleases you, not what you think others will approve of.”
I knew he was right, but I still couldn’t stop myself from worrying. It wasn’t just for my sake, but for his too. “But what if-”
He shushed me. “No more what ifs.” I could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “You know,” he said, voice failing to be nonchalant, “sometimes it’s good to do things without thinking about them.”
His face was now much closer to mine and his tongue darted out to lick his lips. “I won’t do this if you don’t want me to.”
My breath hitched. “I want you to.”
We moved forwards at the same time, making the kiss a little harder than I had intended. He pulled back slightly, making the next few kisses gentler. Our lips only met for a second each time, small touches that soon developed into something more. He shifted closer to me, the hand on my knee squeezing slightly. He opened his mouth against mine as he raised his other hand to hold the back of my neck. It was damp from the washing, but that wasn’t what made me shiver.
He pulled back slightly as he felt my body tremor. “Okay?” His voice was as soft as his thumb caressing the back of my neck. I nodded, lunging forwards to close the gap once more. It wasn’t long before I felt his tongue lap gently at my lower lip, and I moved my own tongue to meet his. I put my hand on his jaw, not to keep him there - for I knew Jude would not move away - but to ground myself. I was almost giddy with happiness, with how right this felt.
We pulled apart at the sound of Jude’s Papa calling up the stairs. We breathed heavily together in the small gap between us, Jude resting his forehead against mine briefly. He pulled away altogether, then grinned at me.
I smiled back.
Next