Havemercy Fic - Crossing the Line (13/28)
Title: Crossing The Line
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,043 for this chapter
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to the wonderful Jaida Jones and Danielle Bennett, although there may be one or two of my own creation :)
Summary: When he decides to search for an art tutor, little does sixteen year old Etienne know that he's about to embark on an adventurous summer of maturity, secrets and self-discovery. However, he's not the only one in the family who's been hiding things, as Castle Nevers will never be the same again.
Author's Notes: Thanks to manyfacesofme22 for betaing.
( Previous chapters)
Etienne
I didn’t know what to do.
Jude had kissed me. The fact repeated itself in my mind whilst the moment played over and over in my head: our easy banter, his excitement over Hal, his face coming towards mine, his eyes closed. It had been quick, and when he’d pulled back he was blushing. I hadn’t known what to say. I still didn’t know what I would say to him; how I could meet his eyes again after I ran away like that.
I should have done something or said something, but instead I’d been shocked into silence. His face fell when I’d made up an excuse to leave, his expression making me feel guilty as I fled the house without so much as a proper goodbye.
I would have to return, I knew that much. I enjoyed spending time with Jude and his father, and despite what had happened I did not want that to change.
The thought made me feel uneasy. Had he misinterpreted the time I had spent with him? Did he mistake our friendship for something more? I thought back to our conversations, our play fighting, our joking together. Had he been flirting with me? And, worse, had I flirted back without realising it?
I hadn’t meant to lead him on. I didn’t want to hurt him - he’d been a good friend to me, after all - and now perhaps I’d ruined the best friendship I’d ever had.
I frowned down at the dusty path. I was walking home slower than usual, needing more time to gather my thoughts before I had to face my family and pretend that nothing was wrong. I shivered when I thought of what Mama would say if she found out. She would be so angry that she’d never let me see him again, even if she didn’t know about the art.
The thought made my chest tighten. Despite everything, the thought of being forbidden to see Jude was awful, something I wished to never experience. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, no matter what happened. I would not be able to bear that.
Did this mean he really was just a friend, then? Had I developed feelings for him without realising it? I tried to think how I’d felt when he’d been kissing me, but all I could feel was surprise.
I could feel my cheeks heating up and stopped thinking about the kiss quickly. It made me feel uneasy to be thinking such things. Mama always said that men who liked other men were wrong and unnatural. They were scorned in the country, laughed at, mocked. So many people couldn’t be wrong.
But Hal and Uncle Roy were in love, and they weren’t bad people. I had a great deal of respect for both of them and looked forward to their letters each month. I had certainly never thought that there was something wrong with them. I had never really considered their relationship in any depth, but now that I thought more about it, I didn’t care what they felt for each other, despite what Mama said. As long as they were happy, that was the important thing.
Who was wrong, then? Who was I supposed to believe? I had so many unanswered questions, and no one to ask. I could write to Hal, but Mama and Papa would find it suspicious that I was writing again so soon, and would want to know why. That was something I couldn’t risk.
I had to try and figure it out on my own, then. I thought through the facts again.
Jude was a Nellie. But he was my friend, and I did not want to stop spending time with him. I thought about the kiss again. It made me uneasy, but I couldn’t be sure whether that was because he was my friend or because he was a boy. I had no female friends to compare it too. Being tutored at home meant that I hadn’t had much chance to befriend the children in the nearby villages, and so the only females I had contact with were Mama and Emilie, and a few of the servants.
I thought of Emilie’s friends. She knew a few of the girls from the nearest village. When I thought about kissing one of them, it made me feel even more uncomfortable than when I thought of Jude, although whether that was because she was a girl or because I barely knew her, I couldn’t be sure. I’d never considered boys in this way before, but then I’d never given much thought to girls, either. It was always something I’d supposed I would think about when I was older. Now, I supposed, I was older. Perhaps this was just part of growing up, and everyone questioned at some stage who it was that they liked; this was just a part of life that no-one liked to speak of because it was so taboo. I couldn’t imagine William or Alex liking boys, though.
I stopped on the path, trying to clear my mind. I was going over the same possibilities again and again, getting nowhere, and it was starting to make my head hurt.
A new thought came to me. Was Jude thinking the same things? Perhaps it had been merely an impulse that he’d acted on. It wouldn’t be the first time that he’d acted without thinking. Was he now going through the same thoughts as I? Or did he already know that he was a Nellie, but too scared to tell me?
I forced myself to continue walking. The more I thought about it, the more confused I became. I was starting to get frustrated, my mind tired of so much worrying over one little action. I forced my thoughts to stop. There was nothing I could do about it now, I decided. What happened had happened, and I would not be able to judge the right choice of action until I heard his side of the story. I would go to my art lesson as usual on Tuesday, and talk to him about it during our free time in the afternoon.
I knew I would spend the whole weekend fretting about it, though.
Next
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,043 for this chapter
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to the wonderful Jaida Jones and Danielle Bennett, although there may be one or two of my own creation :)
Summary: When he decides to search for an art tutor, little does sixteen year old Etienne know that he's about to embark on an adventurous summer of maturity, secrets and self-discovery. However, he's not the only one in the family who's been hiding things, as Castle Nevers will never be the same again.
Author's Notes: Thanks to manyfacesofme22 for betaing.
( Previous chapters)
Etienne
I didn’t know what to do.
Jude had kissed me. The fact repeated itself in my mind whilst the moment played over and over in my head: our easy banter, his excitement over Hal, his face coming towards mine, his eyes closed. It had been quick, and when he’d pulled back he was blushing. I hadn’t known what to say. I still didn’t know what I would say to him; how I could meet his eyes again after I ran away like that.
I should have done something or said something, but instead I’d been shocked into silence. His face fell when I’d made up an excuse to leave, his expression making me feel guilty as I fled the house without so much as a proper goodbye.
I would have to return, I knew that much. I enjoyed spending time with Jude and his father, and despite what had happened I did not want that to change.
The thought made me feel uneasy. Had he misinterpreted the time I had spent with him? Did he mistake our friendship for something more? I thought back to our conversations, our play fighting, our joking together. Had he been flirting with me? And, worse, had I flirted back without realising it?
I hadn’t meant to lead him on. I didn’t want to hurt him - he’d been a good friend to me, after all - and now perhaps I’d ruined the best friendship I’d ever had.
I frowned down at the dusty path. I was walking home slower than usual, needing more time to gather my thoughts before I had to face my family and pretend that nothing was wrong. I shivered when I thought of what Mama would say if she found out. She would be so angry that she’d never let me see him again, even if she didn’t know about the art.
The thought made my chest tighten. Despite everything, the thought of being forbidden to see Jude was awful, something I wished to never experience. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, no matter what happened. I would not be able to bear that.
Did this mean he really was just a friend, then? Had I developed feelings for him without realising it? I tried to think how I’d felt when he’d been kissing me, but all I could feel was surprise.
I could feel my cheeks heating up and stopped thinking about the kiss quickly. It made me feel uneasy to be thinking such things. Mama always said that men who liked other men were wrong and unnatural. They were scorned in the country, laughed at, mocked. So many people couldn’t be wrong.
But Hal and Uncle Roy were in love, and they weren’t bad people. I had a great deal of respect for both of them and looked forward to their letters each month. I had certainly never thought that there was something wrong with them. I had never really considered their relationship in any depth, but now that I thought more about it, I didn’t care what they felt for each other, despite what Mama said. As long as they were happy, that was the important thing.
Who was wrong, then? Who was I supposed to believe? I had so many unanswered questions, and no one to ask. I could write to Hal, but Mama and Papa would find it suspicious that I was writing again so soon, and would want to know why. That was something I couldn’t risk.
I had to try and figure it out on my own, then. I thought through the facts again.
Jude was a Nellie. But he was my friend, and I did not want to stop spending time with him. I thought about the kiss again. It made me uneasy, but I couldn’t be sure whether that was because he was my friend or because he was a boy. I had no female friends to compare it too. Being tutored at home meant that I hadn’t had much chance to befriend the children in the nearby villages, and so the only females I had contact with were Mama and Emilie, and a few of the servants.
I thought of Emilie’s friends. She knew a few of the girls from the nearest village. When I thought about kissing one of them, it made me feel even more uncomfortable than when I thought of Jude, although whether that was because she was a girl or because I barely knew her, I couldn’t be sure. I’d never considered boys in this way before, but then I’d never given much thought to girls, either. It was always something I’d supposed I would think about when I was older. Now, I supposed, I was older. Perhaps this was just part of growing up, and everyone questioned at some stage who it was that they liked; this was just a part of life that no-one liked to speak of because it was so taboo. I couldn’t imagine William or Alex liking boys, though.
I stopped on the path, trying to clear my mind. I was going over the same possibilities again and again, getting nowhere, and it was starting to make my head hurt.
A new thought came to me. Was Jude thinking the same things? Perhaps it had been merely an impulse that he’d acted on. It wouldn’t be the first time that he’d acted without thinking. Was he now going through the same thoughts as I? Or did he already know that he was a Nellie, but too scared to tell me?
I forced myself to continue walking. The more I thought about it, the more confused I became. I was starting to get frustrated, my mind tired of so much worrying over one little action. I forced my thoughts to stop. There was nothing I could do about it now, I decided. What happened had happened, and I would not be able to judge the right choice of action until I heard his side of the story. I would go to my art lesson as usual on Tuesday, and talk to him about it during our free time in the afternoon.
I knew I would spend the whole weekend fretting about it, though.
Next