PB Fanfiction 'Michael/LJ'
Title: What it means...
Characters: Michael/LJ, vague mentions of Lincoln.
Rating: PG
Summary: They have a dinner one on one every month and he's never missed a dinner in 5 years. He knows what it means to be a family.
Author's Note: Ok, this is my first attempt at Foxriver_fic challenges. I've tried the February challenge because I really liked the idea behind it (Happy 40th b-day btw!!). I've chosen the Michael/LJ pairing and gone for a pre-series fic. I know I got the timeline a little bit messed up so please don't pay attention to it. Feedback is very welcome!
Robert Frost
The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended - and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended.
He steps back from the dimly lit front door and turns around, staring into the expanding sky dotted with shiny stars illuminating the unusually frisk September evening. The details of the mysterious heavens burn on his fragile and receptive retina as he closes his eyes and shuts everything out for just one second. When he opens them slowly and turns back to face the front door, he feels oddly like himself again.
He’s standing here, waiting for his nephew to come out and suddenly all he feels like is being ‘Uncle Mike’. The door opens and as the noise and liveliness of the household reaches his ears, LJ walks over the threshold swinging his backpack over his shoulder and stepping easily into his uncle’s warm embrace.
‘Hey Uncle Mike’ he greets happily, stepping back a little.
‘Hey LJ’ Michael replies casually as he pulls LJ’s cap a little further over his curly head in a familiar gesture.
Behind them, Lisa comes up to the door, busying a kitchen towel as she grabs hold of the front door and her eyes light up at the sight of Michael.
‘Lisa’ he greets her as he takes a step forward, gingerly and kisses her softly on the cheek.
‘Michael, it’s good to see you again’. She answers as she lightly squeezes his shoulder in admission.
‘Ok mom’ LJ swiftly intervenes in a teenage rush of exacerbation as he pushes his mom back into the doorframe, ‘I’ll see you later, we gotta go’.
‘Right’ Michael says, softly smiling at Lisa. ‘I’ll have him back by bedtime.’
‘Have fun!’ Lisa shouts closing the door on her way inside.
‘Yes,’ Michael thinks, ‘I think I will tonight.’
‘So LJ’ Michael starts as he takes a sip of his ice cold drink, ‘You’ve been awfully quiet in the car. Everything ok?’ He knows he shouldn’t try to be the ‘father figure’ but he can’t help it cause sometimes, with LJ, it feels as though he is. The kind of big-brother-father relationship that he’s beginning to realize feels very familiar between himself and Linc.
‘Just stuff’
He notices that LJ is trying to reply with the air of trained indifference but is failing miserably. He knows he’s onto something.
‘You want to talk about it?’ He softly prods.
LJ squirms in his seat and moves for his drink. Carefully watching him over the rim of his glass, he hears a sigh escape and he knows he’s definitely onto something.
‘You can, you know. If you want to. Talk to me about anything at all.’ He’s not sure which way to go with this but he can sense that’s it’s something important to LJ.
‘I know, Uncle Mike.’ He sighs again as he puts down his glass. ‘It’s just complicated.’
Michael chuckles amused.
‘Well then you’re in the right family, aren’t you?’
LJ stares at him shocked for a minute then realizes the joke and the invitation and starts smiling back.
‘So…’ Michael tries again, deliberately keeping his eye contact casual. He can feel the tension rise in his shoulders, his mind working to discover a pattern, a clue.
‘So, you’ve been to see my Dad?’ He knows it was a question but the tone in LJ’s voice betrays his intent. He knows he has to stay calm and don’t push this, but it’s so hard when every vein in his body has suddenly gone tense.
‘Yeah, I have LJ. I go to see him every week.’ Waiting, patiently, he has to let LJ take the lead.
‘I don’t know how you do it, you know, Uncle Mike?’ He’s squirming again in his seat, obviously uncomfortable and Michael knows he’s close.
‘I just do, LJ.’ The words come with a clarity that betrays him.
‘They’re gonna make me go see him, you know.’ He states it as a fact, but Michael acknowledges the question and the anxiety it must provoke.
‘You mean your mom and your step dad?’ He feels as though he’s trying to cross a dangerously unstable bridge, step by step, exploring the strength of the structure. He can’t make a mistake. Not this time.
‘No, I mean yes, they’re as well. But the social worker from school. She says it will help me.’ LJ is looking down and in a flicker Michael sees a five year old boy before him staring at his feet, looking for all the world has abandoned him. He’s not sure if he’s seeing a memory of LJ or himself, really. Then realizes it doesn’t matter. He’s not alone, he’s never been. Neither will LJ.
‘And what do -you- think?’ He leans over the table, trying to draw LJ’s attention.
‘I’m just scared. I guess.’ His eyes are watering up and Michael wishes he could do something to make the pain go away. But he knows he can’t. Sometimes there’s no other way through the pain than to face it. So he offers the best he can.
‘I know. Me too.’ He hopes his eyes are conveying as much truth as his words as he stares into LJ’s youthful eyes and sees recognition and perhaps something more. Solace.
‘Then how do you do it?’ He’s looking at Michael much like a child would to a father, hoping to get the answers he’s looking for. But Michael knows it’s not that simple. They are answers LJ needs to find for himself.
‘He’s my brother.’ He feels the words like a confession, a confirmation of a truth obscured from reality.
‘He’s been as lousy a brother as he has a father.’ LJ murmurs, angry, hurt, disappointed. Suddenly he sees a reflection of himself in his eyes. It’s so easy to give into those feelings but he knows that would be a betrayal. It’s never been easy and he has to respect that.
‘I know, LJ, but…’ He sighs, he wishes he could dance around this, but he knows it’s too late for that.
‘…he’s done the best he can.’ It earns him an incredulous look. It’s time to lay his cards on the table and hope the house does not win this time.
‘I didn’t think he did either, for a long time, but sometimes….’ Michael holds his breath for just a few seconds, knowing he has to play this exactly right. ‘…sometimes if they deal you a really bad hand, you just have to play with it anyway. You understand?’ He’s staring at LJ, he realizes.
He sees it flicker in LJ’s eyes a moment before he hears the words.
‘I guess so.’ LJ mumbles softly. But he can see the tension subside. Watches as the squirming stops and LJ sits up a little bit straighter.
And there it is…hope.
As they both start grinning at each other, the waitress comes by and delivers their food. Burgers and fries…ok so maybe he’s not -exactly- doing the dad thing, but he’s doing the Uncle thing and he’s enjoying it. They have a dinner one on one every month and he’s never missed a dinner in 5 years. He knows what it means to be a family. He knows what continuity means to a kid like LJ. He’s never been on the receiving end of it when he was growing up but he’s learned to nurture whatever he can give back and has found it a healing ritual for his own fragile wounds.
They eat their dinner in companiable chatter, like they always do. Talking about bits and pieces and nothing at all. It feels special somehow tonight. Michael painfully realizes why but what’s done is done and he can no longer turn back time. He doesn’t want to either.
When dinner is done they sit and talk for two hours straight and it warms his heart to hear LJ opening up to him. He loves seeing him like a kid, a teenager. He treasures these moments deeply. But he knows they will come to an end. Always too soon.
It’s not until they’ve driven back to LJ’s house that the conversation falters and silence fills the car. He knows it’s time to say goodbye. It’s harder than he imagined it would be.
LJ turns in his seat to look at him and he tries to convey as much love as he can without actually saying the words. There’s only so much a teenager can handle.
‘Do you think we’ll ever be a family again, Uncle Mike? Like a normal family?’
He chuckles, so much for the Burrows subtlety.
‘I don’t know LJ. I like to believe that we could. Be a family.’ He turns toward LJ, facing him.
‘You just gotta have a little faith, you know?’
He sees LJ’s face light up and feels tears welling up inside of him. It feels so good to be saying these words to LJ.
‘A little, Uncle Mike? Really?’ He knows LJ is trying to lighten the mood as much as he knows he recognizes these words like a lullaby.
They’re both smiling now, enjoying their little moment. LJ pulls closer and gives Michael a warm hug. He knows he’ll remember this moment for a good while to come and blesses his eidetic memory.
‘Take care LJ’ He softly tells him.
‘I will, Uncle Mike.’ LJ draws back and he can see he’s ready to go back into the house as he opens the passenger side door.
‘Thanks for tonight.’ He sticks his head back into the car and Michael grips the steering wheel a little bit tighter.
‘Anytime LJ.’ He waves and he steps towards the front porch and into the house.
Michael looks through the front shield at the brightly lit sky. He knows this was a good night. He just has to have a little faith that there’ll be more of these, soon.