Comments | pluie_confettis: Thoughts?

pluie_confettis

Thoughts?

Jun 02, 2008 21:04

I'm looking for some feedback on this little eensy weency tiny thing I wrote last night. It doesn't feel right to me - maybe too juvenile, idk. But it was 3 am when I wrote it on my sidekick and mailed it to myself in case I wanted to do something with it. This is probably the fifth or six time I've attempted writing an opening for this story ( Read more... )

fic, writing

Comments 8

mcgarrygirl78 June 3 2008, 01:42:28 UTC

I like it. I wouldnt say juvenile but there is something. I dont know, but I see the kid, and he's ticked and you know it but its not quite conveyed in the writing.

Firstly, I hope that makes sense. Secondly, I hope it helps.

I dont pretend to be a New York editor or anything, but I do my fair share of beta work, if you ever needed something looked over, you could give me a shout.

pluie_confettis June 3 2008, 01:52:07 UTC

Yeah, I just can NOT get the hang of opening this piece. I've tried over and over again but it all just keeps sounding so ... something. I'm terrible at exposition, apparently, hah.

Thank you, though. I'm determined to, at some point, have this written. Sigh.

cindylou07 June 3 2008, 14:28:27 UTC

I think it's a good start to a story. :)

pluie_confettis June 6 2008, 06:29:55 UTC

Thank you :D And I don't have many Potter icons anymore but this one always amused me haha

cindylou07 June 6 2008, 12:20:57 UTC

LOL! That icon is great! :D

ieetveggiez June 4 2008, 12:36:41 UTC

I really like the mood and the feeling you get from the character-- you know what he's thinking like you were thinking it yourself. However, I'ma grammar nazi you xD

"It wasn't as though he expected to be happy it was September first - after all, it was the end of summer, and no one he knew actually wanted to go back to school - but he should at least be a little more excited to finally be a senior." is chopy. Maybe seperate the phrase into seperate sentence or something. "It wasn't as though he expected to be happy. After all, it was the end of summer, and no one he knew actually wanted to go back to school - but he should at least be a little more excited to finally be a senior."
But I like it =]]

pluie_confettis June 6 2008, 06:28:54 UTC

Thank you XD And I appreciate your grammar nazi-ism!!! That was actually the part that drove me nuts. I looked at it the next day (I swear it was like 3 am when I wrote it in bed) and was like "... well that's just stupid." But I left it because I couldn't think of what else to do with it.

That's like, the story of my life. I have a feeling or sentiment or idea to get out and I can't do it. UGH FAIL.

ieetveggiez June 6 2008, 12:15:17 UTC

Hahaha I know what you mean. I'm the biggest "let's write at 3 in the morning when you're only physically awake cause your body won't go to sleep" criminal xD but sometimes you come up with the best stuff at 3 in the morning.
It's okay! You don't fail! Maybe you can try other ways to express it besides writing, for example, when I have ideas, I write music to them or draw them. It helps me to write them. And vice versa. =D