Drabble Meme
I'm a bit ashamed of how long these took me to finish. I mostly ignored the bit about only writing in the time frame of the song because I was so happy to be writing something non-academic. I ran spell check, but I didn't re-read or polish the stories.
I wrote about Stargate: Atlantis because the first fanfic I ever wrote was in this fandom. I thought it was appropriate for my first fic since grad school to be in it too. I originally started with the idea of this being about all the minor characters. About halfway through, I realized they all involved Lorne.
1. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.
2. Turn on your music player and put it on random/shuffle.
3. Write a drabble related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts, and stop when it's over. No lingering afterwards!
4. Do ten of these, then post them.
One: Ballroom Blitz by Krokus
Rating: PG for offscreen violence
Summary: At a harvest festival, things go very wrong. Slight Kavanagh/OMC
“This is all your fault,” Kavanagh said from underneath the table where he was cowering.
“How is this my fault?” Parrish asked as he flinched at the sound of gunfire above.
“I wasn't talking to you!”
“I will make it up to both of you,” Lorne said, ducking underneath the table. “But right now, I need to flip this table so we can use it as a shield.”
The harvest feast and dance had started out well enough. The Letonga had invited Lorne's team along with friendly tribes from across the galaxy. The food had been delicious and plentiful, and the people had been beautiful. Especially the Mecomb.
The most beautiful was a young man who appeared to be in his early 20s. His skin was the colour of milky tea, and it rippled with muscles every time he moved. His black hair looked soft and silky. His almond-coloured eyes were bright and animated.
Everyone who saw him was immediately smitten. Including Peter Kavanagh.
“'Just go flirt with him a little,' you said! 'It's not like you'll ever see him again,' you said! 'What's it going to hurt,' you said!” Kavanagh grumbled.
“I said I'm sorry!” Lorne said, ducking back behind the barricade. “Do either of you have a gun?” Both men shook their heads. Lorne popped up and took another shot. “I guess it's too much to hope for extra ammo then?”
“We were going to a friendly area for a party,” Parrish reminded. “How were we supposed to know a fire fight was going to break out?”
“And how was I supposed to know that no one was allowed to touch the priest?” Lorne asked. “If I had, I wouldn't have told Kav to touch him when they were talking!”
“Don't make this my fault!” Kavanagh snapped. “I was fine just watching him from a distance!”
“Oh, yes, surely I am the worst friend ever for telling you to go after something you wanted,” Lorne replied. “I shall spend the rest of my days in contemplation of my grave mistakes.”
Before Kavanagh could respond, Parrish asked, “Where's Laura?”
“Anybody move, and I shoot him!”
The men shared a look of relief.
“Sir, are you all right?” Cadman asked. Lorne popped up enough to look at where Cadman was holding a gun against the Mecomb leader's head.
“We're fine,” Lorne replied. “Come on, guys.” He stood up and made their apologies to the Letonga. Kavanagh led the way back to the 'Gate as Cadman continued to hold the Mecomb leader hostage.
After Kavanagh forced them all to swear not to tell anyone why he touched the Mecomb priest, the team arrived back in Atlantis safe.
“You guys are back early,” Chuck said. “Hope you had fun at least.”
“Oh yeah, it was great,” Cadman said. “Kavanagh hit on a guy and caused an interstellar war. I danced with a total hottie. You know, normal festival things.”
“I hate you all,” Kavanagh replied before stomping off.
Two: Spotlight (Oh Nostalgia) by Patrick Stump
Rating: PG-13 for language and sexual language
Summary: Lorne tries to do paperwork. Life intervenes. (LeBeau is in this! I missed him.) OMC/OMC, Offscreen OMC/Everything That Moves, one-sided Lorne/OMC (possibly jokey. Possibly serious. I never know with Beau.)
Lorne settled behind his desk at 0600 Atlantis time. It was a Paper Work Day. Once every two weeks, normally the day after returning from a mission, Lorne took a day to do nothing but paper work. It was a necessary evil, but that didn't make it any less evil.
He had just finished the duty roster for the next two weeks when someone knocked on his door.
“Come in!”
Two Marines came in. They both looked a little nervous, and the shorter man kept shifting back and forth. “Sorry to interrupt, sir,” the taller one said.
“It's okay, Jenkins. You and Mailer come in; shut the door if you need to.” Lorne knew most of the military on sight. It was his job to write the letter home.
The two men came in and sat in the chairs before his desk. Now, that they were in the room, they looked even more nervous. Mailer was still shifting his weight back and forth, unconsciously swaying in his chair; Jenkins was doing a better job of hiding his nervousness, but he kept frowning.
“What can I do for you gentlemen?” Lorne asked. The pair shared a look, and suddenly, Lorne had an idea of why they were there. “This is a safe space. Anything you say in this office does not leave it.” Mailer let out a shaky breath.
“Thank you for being understanding, sir,” Jenkins said. “I know everybody's supposed to be fine with it now, but...” He trailed off awkwardly and shrugged.
“I know how people are, sergeant,” Lorne said.
“We're asking...” Mailer took a deep breath. Jenkins smiled at him encouragingly. “We're asking to be removed from the same detail.”
“We can work together fine,” Jenkins said.
“Perfectly fine,” Mailer interrupted.
“But we're afraid our work will suffer,” Jenkins continued. “I know it sounds weird.”
“Not at all, sergeant,” Lorne replied. “That's why I don't work with Beau.” He realized what that sounded like and began to trip over himself trying to explain. “I mean, Beau is a great guy and an excellent soldier. Probably the best here. But he's funny. And I'd spend all my time laughing at him and finding excuses to go by where he was.” That wasn't helping any. “And I definitely couldn't discipline him, because he's my best friend. I find his...oddity hilarious. Which an officer shouldn't do.”
The Marines shared a look that said “OMG, Lorne is totally shagging LeBeau! Squee!” At least, they wouldn't spread that false rumour. Probably.
“The point I was trying to make,” Lorne said, “Is that I understand. And you don't need to worry. I'll keep you on the same shift but change your details. Okay?”
“Thank you, major,” Jenkins said.
“Thanks for being so understanding,” Mailer said as the pair stood. “It's appreciated. So much. More than you know.” Jenkins began to maneuver Mailer out of the office. “Well maybe you do, but it's still really appreciated. So thank you, sir. Truly. And deeply.” Jenkins gave Mailer a fond look and led the babbling man out of the office. Lorne sighed and pulled the duty roster back up.
He had just finished completely rewriting it when his radio began squawking.
“Major Lorne, Pvt. Thompson.”
“Lorne here, what is it, private?” Lorne knew the other man was the M.P. on duty. Which meant this call was probably not a good thing.
“Could you come down to the sparring area, sir?” Thompson asked. “It's not an emergency, but the sooner you can be here.”
“I'm on my way, private.”
When Lorne arrived, he knew almost immediately what the problem was. On one side of the room, Lt. O'Hara had blood streaming from her nose. On the other side, Lt. Spenser was sprawled on the floor, ice on a sensitive area. Thompson was making sure to stand between the two while being able to keep an eye on the door.
“What was the fight about, Pvt. Thompson?” Lorne asked. Both O'Hara and Spenser began to talk at once. “Hey! I asked Pvt. Thompson, are either of you Pvt. Thompson?” Both people looked away. “Continue, private.”
“As far as I can tell, sir, it started as a friendly sparring match,” Thompson said. “Then accounts diverge. According to O'Hara, Spenser was rude about O'Hara's mother. According to Spenser, O'Hara threw a low blow. Nobody else in the room was paying attention at that time so neither version is corroborated.”
“Thank you, Pvt. Thompson,” Lorne said. Based on his knowledge of the combatants, they were probably trash talking, Spenser went too far, and then O'Hara started dick punching. Lorne pointed at O'Hara, “A month of bed pan duty.” She groaned as Lorne pointed at Spenser. “A month of K.P.” Spenser rolled his eyes. “And find new sparring partners.” When neither one responded, Lorne left. He wished they'd just screw already and get it out of their system.
Lorne had just finished the duty roster for the third time when a knock sounded on his door. He wondered if he could murder whoever it was; realizing that would result in having to rewrite the duty roster again, he called for the person on the other side to come in. The door swung open to reveal LeBeau, arms raised straight in front of him, head tilted so he was staring up at Lorne.
“Foooooood!” he moaned.
“You'd have better luck in the mess,” Lorne pointed out.
“Foooood!” LeBeau replied.
“Is that Beau for 'come have lunch with me, sir?'” Lorne was already setting his computer to sleep.
“Yessssss!”
“I thought zombies could only say one word.”
“Not if they're really smaaaaaaaart,” LeBeau moaned. Lorne laughed and locked the door to his office behind him. “So...whatcha been doing?”
“Duty roster,” Lorne spat.
“Since six a.m.?” LeBeau asked.
“I'd ask how you knew when I got here, but I'm afraid of the answer,” Lorne said. LeBeau just shrugged. “It's been a difficult day.”
“Did Teyla tell you I'm not allowed to do mainland duty anymore?” LeBeau asked.
“I seem to remember her saying something about you sleeping with all of the Athosians,” Lorne replied. “And possibly causing a civil war in the process.”
“I didn't sleep with all of them,” LeBeau protested. “Some of them are under 18.”
“That's not very comforting, Beau,” Lorne said.
“And, to set the record straight, it wasn't a civil war. It was just a minor riot.”
“Oh, I am sorry,” Lorne said. “Because a riot is better than a civil war.”
“Minor riot,” LeBeau corrected. “And in the vast scheme of things, yes, riots are better than civil wars. Especially since no one got hurt. Except my Pink Floyd shirt.”
“The Dark Side of the Moon?”
“The Wall!” LeBeau replied.
“Ouch,” Lorne winced.
“And now that I'm banned from the mainland, I'm going to have to sleep with people on Off-World missions,” LeBeau said. “Which sucks, because you don't really have the time to get to know people. They could be evil axe-murderers. Or hippies!”
“Or you could just keep it in your pants,” Lorne advised. LeBeau stopped walking and stared at his friend in shock. “When you get super herpes, you have no one to blame but yourself.”
“And you,” LeBeau said as he hurried to catch up to Lorne.
“Why am I to blame for your super herpes?” Lorne asked a little too loudly. Behind him, Jenkins and Mailer shared a look.
“Because you're a shitty wingman,” the Cajun replied.
“Wait, how am I a shitty wingman?”
“A good wingman upon hearing that his best friend would have to date offworlders would volunteer his services,” LeBeau said.
“I'm not a pimp,” Lorne protested.
“Not what I was suggesting.”
“I'm not sleeping with you!” Lorne said immediately.
“Why?” LeBeau asked. “Are you afraid that once you go Beau, you'll never...have sex with people who don't have some attribute that rhymes with Beau?” Lorne ignored his friend.
“We're not talking about this,” he said.
“You know I'd rock your world,” LeBeau said confidently.
“You're still talking about it,” Lorne said.
“Your loss,” LeBeau said. “Do you think Sheppard would want a ride on Space Mountain? Space Mountain is my penis, by the way.”
“My life is difficult enough,” Lorne replied. A worrisome thought crossed his mind, and he made a face.
“Thinking about how hot Sheppard and I would be?” LeBeau asked.
“Trying to figure out what the galaxy would be like when the resultant STD wiped out half of the life in it.”
“Once you go Cajun, that's all you're cravin'!” LeBeau said. “That's what I should've said.”
A.N.: This got away from me. It may get expanded into a whole fic. I'm stopping here, but I have more ideas for how the day goes. Also, I mostly ignored what the song was about in favour of focussing on the lyrics “You can be a star, You can shine so bright.” Which caused me to make Lorne the star.
Three: Starry Eyed Surprise by The Wiseguys
Rating: PG-13 for drug use
Summary: Team Lorne is high as a kite.
“Am I supposed to be able to see sounds?” Kavanagh asked. He was staring intently at his hand like it was something he had never seen before.
“Yes,” Parrish replied earnestly. “Why would they be so pretty if you weren't supposed to see them?” Kavanagh considered the question before nodding. “If you start seeing smells, then you should worry.”
“You can smell sounds?” Kavanagh asked. Instead of correcting him, Parrish took Kavanagh's hand and licked it.
“We should dance!” Kavanagh decided. He pulled Parrish to the dance floor. They made their way through the crowd of natives to join Cadman who was flailing about in just her unders. Jackson abandoned his examination of a light that was cycling through colours in order to join the rest of his team.
If he had been thinking clearly, Lorne would've known something was wrong. Not the music or the lights. The Isofans were hidden in an Ancient city underneath the ice of their home world, which resulted in them having greater technology than the rest of the galaxy. So the music and the lights made sense, especially since the Isofans seemed to believe in partying above all else.
The way his teammates were acting was wrong. Or at least Lorne would've noticed that if he wasn't in the middle of an incredible conversation with a house plant. Club plant? What was the term for a plant found inside an alien dance club? Lorne would've asked Parrish, but he was all the way on the other side of the room, dancing with the team and holding Kavanagh's hand. The dancing looked like fun.
“Then go dance with them.”
“But we were having such a good conversation,” Lorne protested.
“It's okay. I'll be here tomorrow,” the plant told him. “We can pick up where we left off then.” Lorne nodded and pet the plant on its leaves before getting up. Where you supposed to pet plants? He didn't know for sure but figured it couldn't hurt. That didn't matter at the moment, though, because Lorne just wanted to dance.
Four: Louder by Vermillion Lies
Rating: G
Summary: “When you kiss me, kiss a little louder.” SGC AU. Kavanagh/Lorne, Lorne/Katie Brown.
A/N: This probably doesn't make much sense if you don't know the song. It's one of my favourites, and I highly recommend you listen to it first.
Stuart Kavanagh pushed the grocery cart through the super market underneath the harsh fluorescent lights. One of the wheels was pulling to the left whilst another was pulling to the right. Instead of keeping the cart straight, it serpentined down the aisles. Fortunately, it was after midnight so the 24-hour super market was mostly deserted.
Stuart pushed the cart down the frozen foods aisle, stopping before the ice cream. Nick likes the blueberry ice cream with raspberry swirl and dark chocolate chunks. Stuart picked up the disgusting combination and tossed it into the cart. He pushed the cart further down the aisle. He stopped and grabbed a frozen t.v. dinner. Stuart twisted the package back-and-forth slightly, pretending to study it, before grabbing two more and throwing the t.v. dinners on top of the “Souper” pack of Top Ramen, “Souper” apparently being Marketing-ese for “Six packages for a dollar.”
Stuart arrived home and threw all the frozen food into the freezer before microwaving a package of ramen and dropping onto the couch. He pulled Wrath of Khan up on Netflix and let it play. When it finished, Stuart started the movie again until he dropped off to sleep.
The next morning, Stuart stepped into the elevator with a jelly donut and a coffee drink made with too much sugar, three types of syrup, and whipped cream. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, technically acceptable but frowned upon. As soon as he signed into his computer, Stuart pulled up Last.fm and played The Cure radio. Also, technically acceptable but frowned upon.
By lunch, Stuart had yelled at three assistants and caused both Kusanagi Miko and the clumsy Bedrosian to burst out in tears. Col. Carter herself had deigned to come upstairs and order him to leave the SGC for lunch. That was fine with him. Stuart stomped out of his lab and headed for the elevator. He turned a corner and stopped short. His heart flew up into his throat.
Nick was standing at the end of the hall. His hair was ruffled, and he was laughing. Stuart was suddenly reminded how much he loved the man. His heart hurt with love for Nick. And then she stepped into view.
Brown was staring up at Nick, her face reflecting what Stuart felt. Nick placed his hands on her hips. She said something Stuart couldn't hear, and Nick laughed again. Stuart felt a pang of jealousy as sharp a knife. The love of his life leaned down and kissed Brown. Stuart's heart ached.
Nick kissed Brown the way he painted. It was passionate and pure; the very sight of it caused Stuart's heart to beat loudly in his ears. He was vaguely embarrassed, but he couldn't say why.
Nick has never kissed Stuart that way.
He spun on his heel and went the long way around to the elevator. When Stuart arrived home, he grabbed a frozen meal of beer-battered chicken fingers and cheese sauce on fries. He glanced up and saw the ice cream. Stuart stared at it, the cold from the freezer creeping into his bones. He put the t.v. dinner back in the freezer. He walked into the living room, sat on the couch, and stared at the wall.
Five: You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC
Rating: PG for language and implied sexy times (I tried to write sex. It just wouldn't happen.)
Summary: The morning after. Lorne/Parrish
Dave Parrish woke as Evan Lorne came into the room. He didn't open his eyes as Evan moved around the room. Dave heard clattering at the bedside table and opened his eyes just enough to see Evan's back. He turned toward the bed, and Dave feigned sleep. Evan slipped into the bed and kissed Dave on the temple.
“I know you're awake,” he whispered into Dave's ear.
“No, I'm not,” Dave replied with his eyes closed.
“Oh, really,” Evan said. “I guess I'm just going to have to eat breakfast all by myself. And I went to all this trouble.”
“You went to the mess hall,” Dave answered, eyes still closed.
“That's not what I'm talking about.” Evan skimmed his hands over Dave's chest. He shivered and opened his eyes.
“If you keep that up, breakfast will be cold.”
“I'd hate for that to happen,” Evan said before kissing Dave.
Dave frowned. He knew that couldn't have tasted good since he hadn't brushed his teeth yet. Evan brought the tray over. Dave sat up and looked at the tray.
“Porridge, powdered eggs, and instant tea. My favourite,” Dave said.
“Don't be a smart ass,” Evan replied. “I didn't have much to work with.”
“It's the thought that counts,” Dave said honestly.
“Eat up,” Evan said. “Powdered eggs are gross hot, but that's nothing compared to what they taste like cold.”
“Bad?”
“I ate a skunk instead,” Evan replied. Dave wasn't sure if he was joking.
“Thank you for breakfast.”
Evan just kissed Dave again. Dave put the tray down on the floor and kissed back. “What about your breakfast?” Evan asked breathless.
“I hear they're having skunk for lunch today.”
I skipped a track here. It was “Pirate Jenny” by The Dresden Dolls. Well, the album version is called “Seeräuber Jenny.” My German is hilariously bad, and AFP sings it really fast. So I understand maybe 1 word out of 20. (Which is probably because she has an American accent. If she was German, I wouldn't get that.)
I had two options. One: Write a generic pirate-themed AU. (Or Team Atlantis versus space pirates.) or Two: Pick a song I actually understand and write about that. I went with option two.
And then after hitting forward, I made a rule that I wouldn't use any Lupe Fiasco songs because they're so visual and have so much of a story, I couldn't really do anything other than what's there.
Six: “O.G. (Original Gamer)” by MC Lars
Rating: G
Summary: March Madness but with video games!
Nobody knows who started the video game tournament. Easy money was on Sheppard. A slacker who likes to skateboard around the city was the obvious choice. But the scientists were all geeks so nobody could say it was Sheppard for certain.
If any of the theorists had been trained in diplomacy, they would've noticed that the almost daily fights had stopped and the city's inhabitants were much more relaxed since the tournament was announced. The keen-eyed would've noticed a slight smile on Weir's face whenever anyone brought the tournament up.
It's origins were unimportant. What was important was the games themselves. (And just as important, the brackets and section pools.) Sixty-four players had signed up. They were randomly pitted against each other, and a game for them to play was randomly selected. With only two video game systems in the Rec Room, the tournament had been slow going. This hadn't driven the city to boredom, though. Rather it had built excitement.
Easy money on the winner was Sheppard. He was a slacker who had last been posted in Antarctica. It would've surprised no one to learn that he played Halo for 48-hours straight once. Some of the scientists had clustered behind Kusanagi, a quiet physicist with a aptitude for RPGs, especially the Final Fantasy series. A couple *knew* McKay was going to win. The man was practically an annoying AI already.
When Lorne won his first round, nobody paid much attention. It was Call of Duty, and the man was a good soldier. Of course, he won. The second round didn't arise much attention either. Everybody who's ever played knows Jigglypuff is the strongest character in Super Smash Brothers. A couple of people sat up when Lorne beat Zelenka in round three. Portal is a physics puzzle game, and Zelenka was the second best physicist on staff. Before round four, Lorne was overheard telling Simpson that he didn't understand why everybody thought Battletoads was hard.
That's when the other players realized they were in trouble.
Lorne beat Simpson easily. The gathered crowd had never seen anyone lapped in Need for Speed before. The Final Four were Sheppard vs. Kusanagi and McKay vs. Lorne. Everyone who had bet on McKay to win it all breathed a sigh of relief when Soul Calibur was announced as the chosen game. It didn't matter how good Lorne was, SC is a button masher. And then Lorne won the first level of the two-out-of-three match with nothing but combos. Somehow, the Marine had memorized Voldo's combos. All of them.
The day of the final match, the game was set to stream the Lorne vs. Kusanagi match to everyone on duty and those who couldn't fit in the Rec Room. McKay even let all the scientists have a day off. The game was Mario Kart 64 on an emulator, allowing both players to use a N64 controller despite not having the game system. Instead of racing, though, the pair would be playing Battle. Every balloon lost caused a howl of loss and a roar of victory to echo through the city. But the contestants remained calm.
The pair had chipped away at each other all game. They were even, each having won a previous match and now driving around the level with one balloon apiece. In an attempt to evade the Japanese woman, Lorne had made a bad choice and was now backed into a corner with Kusanagi heading for him. If the Wraith had chosen to invade at that moment, they would've found themselves beaten back with the bare fists of the enraged populace.
The two Karts faced each other. A shell flew across the screen. Peach's cry was echoed by half the city whilst the rest roared “Luigi, number one!” with the sprite. Nick reached over and shook Miko's hand.
“Good game.”
“You played well.”
“Do you wanna play Operation: Racoon City with me?”
“I've been looking for someone to play with me. It's completely broken in single player.”
“I'll switch the system over.”
“I'll grab the controllers.”
Weir smiled to herself as the rest of the city settled back with their snacks and drinks to watch the co-op.
A/N: So I took a creepy song and made something cute and charming. That's what I do.
A little bit of explanation: Battletoads is the hardest game in existence. It is ridiculously hard for no reason other than to be ridiculously hard. In fact, if you're playing in co-op, you literally cannot win. It's literally impossible. But only the NTSC version. The bug doesn't exist in the PAL version. (Though, the PAL version is also ridiculously hard so you probably won't win even without the bug.) And the Japanese version (whilst still being hard) is much easier than the English language version.
Soul Calibur has insane combos. Some of the deadlier ones need 15 buttons hit in the exact order within a second of the first button being hit. This makes it essentially a button masher outside of competitive play (and sometimes within competitive play). I do know a few of Voldo's combos. They're the easier ones so I only had to memorize, like, 5 buttons.
I completely mean that slam against Resident Evil: Operation: Raccoon City. It's horrible in single-player mode. You almost can't play it because the AI is so buggy that your teammates will do things like walk through fire or throw grenades at you. The only way to play it in single player is to play the medic, kill off all your teammates, and not revive any of them. Though, you will reach a level where you need them so that's not really feasible. In multi-player, ORC is a lot of fun, though.
I purposely did not write a winner. Who did you want to win? That's who did!
Seven: The World is New by Save Ferris!
Rating: PG for language, sexual language, and injuries
Summary: After a bad day, Lorne's boyfriend cheers him up. Lorne/Zelenka
Evan Lorne sat by himself in the mess. It had been a long, bad day. His arm looked like a black and blue pincushion, and the bandage over his sunflower bite had been wrapped a bit too tight. Then there was the fact he had been bitten by a damn sunflower.
“Is this seat taken?” Radek Zelenka asked. Evan shook his head no. The physicist slipped into the seat across from him. “I heard about the sunflowers.”
“I will never be able to enjoy that painting again,” Evan spat.
“We'll always have Starry Night.” Radek took a glass of chocolate canned milk off his tray and put it on Evan's. “I grabbed too many drinks. Take this one.”
Evan knew it was highly unlikely that Radek had just managed to pick up his favourite drink by accident when he already had coffee. He accepted the glass without comment, though.
“How long did it take you guys to turn off the sprinklers in our bedroom?”
“I borrowed bed clothing from Laura,” Radek replied.
“That long?” Evan asked.
“It would've been quicker if they had allowed me to tell them what to do,” Radek replied. “Instead of Maria being convinced she knew what she was doing.” He picked up his plate of sweet dumplings. “I have too many moshi. Do you want the other?” Without waiting for a response, he put one on Evan's tray. “You like green tea, yes?”
Evan knew Radek didn't like the green tea moshi. He also knew Radek knew they were his favourite. He smiled at his boyfriend.
“Will we be able to sleep in our room or are we going to have to kip on the couch?” Evan asked.
“If we make it to the bed, we can sleep on the bed.”
“I wasn't thinking about sleeping,” Evan said.
“Neither was I,” Radek replied.
Eight: Me Like Hockey by The Arrogant Worms
Rating: PG for language
Summary: The military and the scientists play hockey. Lorne randomly decides to hit on McKay. (Yeah, I don't know where that came from.) Cameos from scap3goat and real life hockey players Tomas Plekanec and Cam Ward. Pre-McKay/Lorne, possible background Chuck/Plekanec.
Dr. Radek Zelenka glided across the ice. He swooped like a swan. And then the puck soared past Sgt. Sacha Raskolnikov. The scientists cheered.
“Dammit!” Maj. Nick Lorne cursed. “Time out! Time out!” The military team came over. “How is this happening? Not to be stereotypical here, but they're just scientists! We're stronger, faster, and trained to kill. So why haven't we scored yet?”
“Because we have an American coach, and they have a Canadian?” Sacha asked.
“Seriously?” Nick snapped. The goalie shrugged his shoulders.
“Everyone knows Canada invented hockey and Russia perfected it,” Sacha replied.
“Where I'm from has--”
“Guys!” Sgt. Chuck Campbell interrupted. “Now that we all know your dicks are of adequate size, can we solve the problem at hand?” No one said anything. “Thank you. McKay may be insufferable, but he is a genius. So are the rest of the scientists here. And where are the military scientists? Monika and Pleky are refs--”
“We shouldn't have let the Czech bastard ref!” Lt. Erik Rosen said. Chuck glared at him.
“If you think Pleky would mess with hockey, you don't know him,” he growled. Erik visibly backed down. “Monika and Pleky are refs, and the only reason I'm allowed to play is because McKay says you have to have a doctorate to be a scientist.”
“You're a scientist?” Erik asked.
“The programme that links our computers to the Atlantean ones. You never wondered where that came from?” Chuck said.
“Chuck,” Nick snapped. “You had a point?”
“I'm a geek so I know how geeks think,” Chuck replied. “We over study, over think, and over plan everything. And they have a team of geeks.”
“You're saying we're being out thought?”
“That's exactly what I'm saying,” Chuck confirmed.
“Well, in that case, we have to get creative,” Nick said.
When Monika blew the whistle to end the timeout, the military had a new plan of attack. Instead of Radek being met at centre ice by Erik, he was met by Chuck.
“You're not a centre,” he said.
“Nope,” Chuck said with a smile.
The scientists had no idea what to do with everyone playing a different position. The military didn't particularly know what to do either, but they were adapting faster.
Chuck faked left. Dr. Cam Ward bought it, shifting too far to his right to cover the whole goal. The puck flew from Chuck's stick to land in the laundry basket serving as a goal. The military erupted into cheers as Pleky blew the whistle to end the game.
The teams shook hands, ending with their coaches.
“Good game, Dr. McKay,” Nick said, grinning.
“Of course, it was. We won,” Rodney replied.
“That's what the score says,” Nick said happily. “What do you say to dinner and a movie? The mess is making not-chicken pot pie, and they're showing Back to the Future tonight. I'll let you tell me about all the mistakes they made.”
Rodney hesitated. “All of them?”
“And I think Cookie said something about saving me an extra piece of chocolate cake.”
“Fine,” Rodney said. “I'll eat with you. You should consider yourself lucky.”
“I do,” Nick said with a smile. They headed back toward the 'jumper that would ferry the two teams and spectators back to Atlantis. “I'll be one of two people in all of Atlantis that understands temporal physics.”
Rodney snorted. “If your understanding of hockey is any indication, I might be able to teach you how horrible 1980s fashion was.”
“I might not understand now, but I'm eager to learn,” Nick replied. Rodney looked away from him. He was blushing. Dinner was going to be fun.
Nine: Start Wearing Purple by Gogol Bordello (Link is to music video.)
Rating: G
Summary: This is totally not based on a real party. Lorne's lines are definitely not paraphrased from the Partner nor are Zelenka's lies paraphrased from me. The real life goat's name is Pamlico; the lab coat was specially made. Lorne/Zelenka
Evan had never seen so much purple in his entire life. Every human being was dressed in purple from head-to-toe. A woman in a low-cut purple dress even had purple hair. All the decorations were purple. Even some of the food was purple.
“Why didn't you tell me I needed to wear purple?” Evan hissed at Radek.
“Because you don't have to,” his boyfriend said with a shrug.
“Seriously? It's like a purple convention here!”
“What can I say?” Radek replied. “We take our parties seriously.” He took two beers from a passing waiter and handed one to Evan. The Marine was happy it wasn't purple.
“I can see that you take your parties seriously,” Evan said, eyeing a goat wearing a lab coat and goggles. As far as he could tell, no one else was even paying it attention. At the front of the room, the lead singer jumped from the stage. He crowd surfed over to the bar and grabbed beers for the band before crowd surfing back.
“Relax,” Radek said. He put his free hand on Evan's shoulder and massaged it. “It's not like I took you to a big party.” Evan's brain shut down for a second. Radek waited patiently for it to reboot.
“Let me get things straight in my head,” Evan said. “There's a guy in a speedo dancing on a table over there. I've been almost hit by two-no, three beach balls. And there's a goat in a lab coat--”
“Vltava is here?” Radek said excitedly. He began to look through the crowd.
“What?”
“The goat's name is Vltava,” Radek replied. “I'm surprised he made it. He should have school tomorrow.”
“I think I've figured it out,” Evan said. “You got a bunch of your friends together to punk me. There's no way Prague is actually like this.” That was when a large mound of bubbles fell on his head.
Radek laughed and pulled off his purple scarf. He tied it around Evan's head so he looked like Rambo. But cuter.
“Things would be much easier if you stopped thinking so much.” Radek kissed Evan. The Marine looked around at the people dancing through the bubbles and decided to go with it. At the least, it would be a good story.
“Take me to your goat leader.”
Ten: Elephant Elephant by Evelyn Evelyn
Rating: G
Summary: Creepy circus AU!
Nick Lorne stretched his arms in front of him, pressing both of his knees to the ground as he sat butterfly style. He counted to thirty before straightening up. Behind him, Evan Lorne went into a handstand and began doing push-ups. Nick placed his legs straight in front of him and leaned forward, placing his head on his knees.
The twins continued to warm up in silence. Out in the practice ring, people yelled as they worked out their routines for the circus's next tour. But in the curtained off part of clown alley, Nick and Evan made no noise. Even their breathing was quiet.
Ringmaster Elizabeth Weir pulled aside the curtain and poked her head in. The Lornes freaked her out. Just a bit. She didn't understand them.
Ronan the Barbarian was taller and far stronger than both men. He could bench press a grown man, but she wasn't afraid of him. He just wanted to find a place where his size didn't make people wary. John Sheppard was a death-defying acrobat. Every day, he tried to fly higher than before. Each routine was far more likely to kill him than the last. Elizabeth knew that he did it because he needed the love and approval of the crowd.
Teyla Athosia was a knife nut. She could hit the heart on a playing card from across the centre ring. Elizabeth wasn't afraid of her, though. She just wanted to make her father, the great Emmagan Athosia, proud of her. Rodney McKay was the greatest liberty horse trainer the world had ever seen, and he knew it. He was abrasive and rude, condescending to anyone who didn't meet his standards. Since his standards were impossible, most of the performers lived in a constant state of rage with him. Elizabeth wasn't afraid of him, even if he did say he could build an atomic weapon. She knew he just wanted someone to acknowledge how intelligent he was.
The circus folk, the carnies, the entirety of the freak show. None of them scared Elizabeth Weir the least bit. She was their ringmaster, and she understood them better than they understood themselves.
But the Lorne twins scared her. They did everything together. They slept in the same bunk, woke at the same time, and went to bed at the same time. The twins ate from the same plate, though they didn't share utensils. When they had to leave the troupe, they did so together and returned together. Elizabeth wasn't even sure which was Evan and which was Nick; they seemed to respond to the names randomly. She didn't understand how two people could be so close. And that scared her.
Elizabeth shook herself out of her musings to find both men staring at her. “Gentlemen, are you ready?” In unison, they nodded.
The Lornes were two of the greatest clowns the Atlantis Circus had ever seen. Every gag was incredibly difficult, perfectly executed, and uproariously funny. They fell into the clown parade and troupe gags well, but where they shined was their solo gags. Technically, they should've been called partner gags since two clowns were doing them, but Nick and Evan were so close that the other clowns often forgot they weren't one person.
That was just the way they wanted it.
A/N: This one ended in a weird place. Also, I felt it needed a bit of explanation. Evelyn Evelyn is a performance art group consisting of Amanda F. Palmer (a.k.a. Mrs. Neil Gaiman), Jason Wembley, and Sxip Shirey. Evelyn Evelyn are conjoined twins named Eva and Lynn. They were so close that they demanded everyone refer to them as Evelyn. After a series of horrible events, they joined the circus where they learned to play the ukelele and sing. They performed on the back of conjoined elephant twins Kimba and Bimba. It was the happiest time of their life. If you know anything about AFP and Jason Wembley, then you know that even more horrible things came after that. (Sxip is their unscrupulous manager who is taking advantage of them by forcing them to perform. That makes the live shows super fun! /sarcasm) But this song was written about the happiest time of their lives and their best friend. I wanted Evelyn Evelyn to show up here so I made Lorne into twins.
Clown alley is the area in the big top where the clowns get ready. The rest of the performers have dressing rooms. But the clowns get ready in the tent. Part of this is to keep kids from seeing them without their make-up. It's also because of the clowns' role in the circus. It's a live show, and sometimes things go wrong. Performers get drunk and can't go on, people fall from the high wire, etc. Because the show must go on, the ringmaster would yell “Clowns, allez!” to order the clowns out into the ring to distract the audience or to take up time until the next performance could begin. Because “allez” sounds like “alley” to English speakers, the circus named the area where the clowns stayed between their gags “clown alley.”
Liberty gags are one of the most difficult things in the circus. They're horse tricks where the trainer doesn't use anything other than their voice. There's no whips, reins, etc. They're called “liberty gags” because the horses have “liberty.” Unfortunately, there aren't as many liberty gags any more. Circuses don't pay much, the training is really difficult, and the tricks aren't nearly as flashy as the tricks with riders. (If you were five, which would excite you more: a. a pony in a funny hat running in a circle and then running that same circle in the opposite direction or b. a lady in a pretty dress doing back flips on the back of a pony in a funny hat?) As a result, most liberty trainers now work in the movies. When you see Zorro whistle and his horse come running, that's a liberty gag.
Also, I know a lot about circuses. :-)
(OMG, so much formatting. I'm sure it's all borked. If you see something I've not fixed, tell me and I'll do my best.)
I wrote about Stargate: Atlantis because the first fanfic I ever wrote was in this fandom. I thought it was appropriate for my first fic since grad school to be in it too. I originally started with the idea of this being about all the minor characters. About halfway through, I realized they all involved Lorne.
1. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.
2. Turn on your music player and put it on random/shuffle.
3. Write a drabble related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts, and stop when it's over. No lingering afterwards!
4. Do ten of these, then post them.
One: Ballroom Blitz by Krokus
Rating: PG for offscreen violence
Summary: At a harvest festival, things go very wrong. Slight Kavanagh/OMC
“This is all your fault,” Kavanagh said from underneath the table where he was cowering.
“How is this my fault?” Parrish asked as he flinched at the sound of gunfire above.
“I wasn't talking to you!”
“I will make it up to both of you,” Lorne said, ducking underneath the table. “But right now, I need to flip this table so we can use it as a shield.”
The harvest feast and dance had started out well enough. The Letonga had invited Lorne's team along with friendly tribes from across the galaxy. The food had been delicious and plentiful, and the people had been beautiful. Especially the Mecomb.
The most beautiful was a young man who appeared to be in his early 20s. His skin was the colour of milky tea, and it rippled with muscles every time he moved. His black hair looked soft and silky. His almond-coloured eyes were bright and animated.
Everyone who saw him was immediately smitten. Including Peter Kavanagh.
“'Just go flirt with him a little,' you said! 'It's not like you'll ever see him again,' you said! 'What's it going to hurt,' you said!” Kavanagh grumbled.
“I said I'm sorry!” Lorne said, ducking back behind the barricade. “Do either of you have a gun?” Both men shook their heads. Lorne popped up and took another shot. “I guess it's too much to hope for extra ammo then?”
“We were going to a friendly area for a party,” Parrish reminded. “How were we supposed to know a fire fight was going to break out?”
“And how was I supposed to know that no one was allowed to touch the priest?” Lorne asked. “If I had, I wouldn't have told Kav to touch him when they were talking!”
“Don't make this my fault!” Kavanagh snapped. “I was fine just watching him from a distance!”
“Oh, yes, surely I am the worst friend ever for telling you to go after something you wanted,” Lorne replied. “I shall spend the rest of my days in contemplation of my grave mistakes.”
Before Kavanagh could respond, Parrish asked, “Where's Laura?”
“Anybody move, and I shoot him!”
The men shared a look of relief.
“Sir, are you all right?” Cadman asked. Lorne popped up enough to look at where Cadman was holding a gun against the Mecomb leader's head.
“We're fine,” Lorne replied. “Come on, guys.” He stood up and made their apologies to the Letonga. Kavanagh led the way back to the 'Gate as Cadman continued to hold the Mecomb leader hostage.
After Kavanagh forced them all to swear not to tell anyone why he touched the Mecomb priest, the team arrived back in Atlantis safe.
“You guys are back early,” Chuck said. “Hope you had fun at least.”
“Oh yeah, it was great,” Cadman said. “Kavanagh hit on a guy and caused an interstellar war. I danced with a total hottie. You know, normal festival things.”
“I hate you all,” Kavanagh replied before stomping off.
Two: Spotlight (Oh Nostalgia) by Patrick Stump
Rating: PG-13 for language and sexual language
Summary: Lorne tries to do paperwork. Life intervenes. (LeBeau is in this! I missed him.) OMC/OMC, Offscreen OMC/Everything That Moves, one-sided Lorne/OMC (possibly jokey. Possibly serious. I never know with Beau.)
Lorne settled behind his desk at 0600 Atlantis time. It was a Paper Work Day. Once every two weeks, normally the day after returning from a mission, Lorne took a day to do nothing but paper work. It was a necessary evil, but that didn't make it any less evil.
He had just finished the duty roster for the next two weeks when someone knocked on his door.
“Come in!”
Two Marines came in. They both looked a little nervous, and the shorter man kept shifting back and forth. “Sorry to interrupt, sir,” the taller one said.
“It's okay, Jenkins. You and Mailer come in; shut the door if you need to.” Lorne knew most of the military on sight. It was his job to write the letter home.
The two men came in and sat in the chairs before his desk. Now, that they were in the room, they looked even more nervous. Mailer was still shifting his weight back and forth, unconsciously swaying in his chair; Jenkins was doing a better job of hiding his nervousness, but he kept frowning.
“What can I do for you gentlemen?” Lorne asked. The pair shared a look, and suddenly, Lorne had an idea of why they were there. “This is a safe space. Anything you say in this office does not leave it.” Mailer let out a shaky breath.
“Thank you for being understanding, sir,” Jenkins said. “I know everybody's supposed to be fine with it now, but...” He trailed off awkwardly and shrugged.
“I know how people are, sergeant,” Lorne said.
“We're asking...” Mailer took a deep breath. Jenkins smiled at him encouragingly. “We're asking to be removed from the same detail.”
“We can work together fine,” Jenkins said.
“Perfectly fine,” Mailer interrupted.
“But we're afraid our work will suffer,” Jenkins continued. “I know it sounds weird.”
“Not at all, sergeant,” Lorne replied. “That's why I don't work with Beau.” He realized what that sounded like and began to trip over himself trying to explain. “I mean, Beau is a great guy and an excellent soldier. Probably the best here. But he's funny. And I'd spend all my time laughing at him and finding excuses to go by where he was.” That wasn't helping any. “And I definitely couldn't discipline him, because he's my best friend. I find his...oddity hilarious. Which an officer shouldn't do.”
The Marines shared a look that said “OMG, Lorne is totally shagging LeBeau! Squee!” At least, they wouldn't spread that false rumour. Probably.
“The point I was trying to make,” Lorne said, “Is that I understand. And you don't need to worry. I'll keep you on the same shift but change your details. Okay?”
“Thank you, major,” Jenkins said.
“Thanks for being so understanding,” Mailer said as the pair stood. “It's appreciated. So much. More than you know.” Jenkins began to maneuver Mailer out of the office. “Well maybe you do, but it's still really appreciated. So thank you, sir. Truly. And deeply.” Jenkins gave Mailer a fond look and led the babbling man out of the office. Lorne sighed and pulled the duty roster back up.
He had just finished completely rewriting it when his radio began squawking.
“Major Lorne, Pvt. Thompson.”
“Lorne here, what is it, private?” Lorne knew the other man was the M.P. on duty. Which meant this call was probably not a good thing.
“Could you come down to the sparring area, sir?” Thompson asked. “It's not an emergency, but the sooner you can be here.”
“I'm on my way, private.”
When Lorne arrived, he knew almost immediately what the problem was. On one side of the room, Lt. O'Hara had blood streaming from her nose. On the other side, Lt. Spenser was sprawled on the floor, ice on a sensitive area. Thompson was making sure to stand between the two while being able to keep an eye on the door.
“What was the fight about, Pvt. Thompson?” Lorne asked. Both O'Hara and Spenser began to talk at once. “Hey! I asked Pvt. Thompson, are either of you Pvt. Thompson?” Both people looked away. “Continue, private.”
“As far as I can tell, sir, it started as a friendly sparring match,” Thompson said. “Then accounts diverge. According to O'Hara, Spenser was rude about O'Hara's mother. According to Spenser, O'Hara threw a low blow. Nobody else in the room was paying attention at that time so neither version is corroborated.”
“Thank you, Pvt. Thompson,” Lorne said. Based on his knowledge of the combatants, they were probably trash talking, Spenser went too far, and then O'Hara started dick punching. Lorne pointed at O'Hara, “A month of bed pan duty.” She groaned as Lorne pointed at Spenser. “A month of K.P.” Spenser rolled his eyes. “And find new sparring partners.” When neither one responded, Lorne left. He wished they'd just screw already and get it out of their system.
Lorne had just finished the duty roster for the third time when a knock sounded on his door. He wondered if he could murder whoever it was; realizing that would result in having to rewrite the duty roster again, he called for the person on the other side to come in. The door swung open to reveal LeBeau, arms raised straight in front of him, head tilted so he was staring up at Lorne.
“Foooooood!” he moaned.
“You'd have better luck in the mess,” Lorne pointed out.
“Foooood!” LeBeau replied.
“Is that Beau for 'come have lunch with me, sir?'” Lorne was already setting his computer to sleep.
“Yessssss!”
“I thought zombies could only say one word.”
“Not if they're really smaaaaaaaart,” LeBeau moaned. Lorne laughed and locked the door to his office behind him. “So...whatcha been doing?”
“Duty roster,” Lorne spat.
“Since six a.m.?” LeBeau asked.
“I'd ask how you knew when I got here, but I'm afraid of the answer,” Lorne said. LeBeau just shrugged. “It's been a difficult day.”
“Did Teyla tell you I'm not allowed to do mainland duty anymore?” LeBeau asked.
“I seem to remember her saying something about you sleeping with all of the Athosians,” Lorne replied. “And possibly causing a civil war in the process.”
“I didn't sleep with all of them,” LeBeau protested. “Some of them are under 18.”
“That's not very comforting, Beau,” Lorne said.
“And, to set the record straight, it wasn't a civil war. It was just a minor riot.”
“Oh, I am sorry,” Lorne said. “Because a riot is better than a civil war.”
“Minor riot,” LeBeau corrected. “And in the vast scheme of things, yes, riots are better than civil wars. Especially since no one got hurt. Except my Pink Floyd shirt.”
“The Dark Side of the Moon?”
“The Wall!” LeBeau replied.
“Ouch,” Lorne winced.
“And now that I'm banned from the mainland, I'm going to have to sleep with people on Off-World missions,” LeBeau said. “Which sucks, because you don't really have the time to get to know people. They could be evil axe-murderers. Or hippies!”
“Or you could just keep it in your pants,” Lorne advised. LeBeau stopped walking and stared at his friend in shock. “When you get super herpes, you have no one to blame but yourself.”
“And you,” LeBeau said as he hurried to catch up to Lorne.
“Why am I to blame for your super herpes?” Lorne asked a little too loudly. Behind him, Jenkins and Mailer shared a look.
“Because you're a shitty wingman,” the Cajun replied.
“Wait, how am I a shitty wingman?”
“A good wingman upon hearing that his best friend would have to date offworlders would volunteer his services,” LeBeau said.
“I'm not a pimp,” Lorne protested.
“Not what I was suggesting.”
“I'm not sleeping with you!” Lorne said immediately.
“Why?” LeBeau asked. “Are you afraid that once you go Beau, you'll never...have sex with people who don't have some attribute that rhymes with Beau?” Lorne ignored his friend.
“We're not talking about this,” he said.
“You know I'd rock your world,” LeBeau said confidently.
“You're still talking about it,” Lorne said.
“Your loss,” LeBeau said. “Do you think Sheppard would want a ride on Space Mountain? Space Mountain is my penis, by the way.”
“My life is difficult enough,” Lorne replied. A worrisome thought crossed his mind, and he made a face.
“Thinking about how hot Sheppard and I would be?” LeBeau asked.
“Trying to figure out what the galaxy would be like when the resultant STD wiped out half of the life in it.”
“Once you go Cajun, that's all you're cravin'!” LeBeau said. “That's what I should've said.”
A.N.: This got away from me. It may get expanded into a whole fic. I'm stopping here, but I have more ideas for how the day goes. Also, I mostly ignored what the song was about in favour of focussing on the lyrics “You can be a star, You can shine so bright.” Which caused me to make Lorne the star.
Three: Starry Eyed Surprise by The Wiseguys
Rating: PG-13 for drug use
Summary: Team Lorne is high as a kite.
“Am I supposed to be able to see sounds?” Kavanagh asked. He was staring intently at his hand like it was something he had never seen before.
“Yes,” Parrish replied earnestly. “Why would they be so pretty if you weren't supposed to see them?” Kavanagh considered the question before nodding. “If you start seeing smells, then you should worry.”
“You can smell sounds?” Kavanagh asked. Instead of correcting him, Parrish took Kavanagh's hand and licked it.
“We should dance!” Kavanagh decided. He pulled Parrish to the dance floor. They made their way through the crowd of natives to join Cadman who was flailing about in just her unders. Jackson abandoned his examination of a light that was cycling through colours in order to join the rest of his team.
If he had been thinking clearly, Lorne would've known something was wrong. Not the music or the lights. The Isofans were hidden in an Ancient city underneath the ice of their home world, which resulted in them having greater technology than the rest of the galaxy. So the music and the lights made sense, especially since the Isofans seemed to believe in partying above all else.
The way his teammates were acting was wrong. Or at least Lorne would've noticed that if he wasn't in the middle of an incredible conversation with a house plant. Club plant? What was the term for a plant found inside an alien dance club? Lorne would've asked Parrish, but he was all the way on the other side of the room, dancing with the team and holding Kavanagh's hand. The dancing looked like fun.
“Then go dance with them.”
“But we were having such a good conversation,” Lorne protested.
“It's okay. I'll be here tomorrow,” the plant told him. “We can pick up where we left off then.” Lorne nodded and pet the plant on its leaves before getting up. Where you supposed to pet plants? He didn't know for sure but figured it couldn't hurt. That didn't matter at the moment, though, because Lorne just wanted to dance.
Four: Louder by Vermillion Lies
Rating: G
Summary: “When you kiss me, kiss a little louder.” SGC AU. Kavanagh/Lorne, Lorne/Katie Brown.
A/N: This probably doesn't make much sense if you don't know the song. It's one of my favourites, and I highly recommend you listen to it first.
Stuart Kavanagh pushed the grocery cart through the super market underneath the harsh fluorescent lights. One of the wheels was pulling to the left whilst another was pulling to the right. Instead of keeping the cart straight, it serpentined down the aisles. Fortunately, it was after midnight so the 24-hour super market was mostly deserted.
Stuart pushed the cart down the frozen foods aisle, stopping before the ice cream. Nick likes the blueberry ice cream with raspberry swirl and dark chocolate chunks. Stuart picked up the disgusting combination and tossed it into the cart. He pushed the cart further down the aisle. He stopped and grabbed a frozen t.v. dinner. Stuart twisted the package back-and-forth slightly, pretending to study it, before grabbing two more and throwing the t.v. dinners on top of the “Souper” pack of Top Ramen, “Souper” apparently being Marketing-ese for “Six packages for a dollar.”
Stuart arrived home and threw all the frozen food into the freezer before microwaving a package of ramen and dropping onto the couch. He pulled Wrath of Khan up on Netflix and let it play. When it finished, Stuart started the movie again until he dropped off to sleep.
The next morning, Stuart stepped into the elevator with a jelly donut and a coffee drink made with too much sugar, three types of syrup, and whipped cream. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, technically acceptable but frowned upon. As soon as he signed into his computer, Stuart pulled up Last.fm and played The Cure radio. Also, technically acceptable but frowned upon.
By lunch, Stuart had yelled at three assistants and caused both Kusanagi Miko and the clumsy Bedrosian to burst out in tears. Col. Carter herself had deigned to come upstairs and order him to leave the SGC for lunch. That was fine with him. Stuart stomped out of his lab and headed for the elevator. He turned a corner and stopped short. His heart flew up into his throat.
Nick was standing at the end of the hall. His hair was ruffled, and he was laughing. Stuart was suddenly reminded how much he loved the man. His heart hurt with love for Nick. And then she stepped into view.
Brown was staring up at Nick, her face reflecting what Stuart felt. Nick placed his hands on her hips. She said something Stuart couldn't hear, and Nick laughed again. Stuart felt a pang of jealousy as sharp a knife. The love of his life leaned down and kissed Brown. Stuart's heart ached.
Nick kissed Brown the way he painted. It was passionate and pure; the very sight of it caused Stuart's heart to beat loudly in his ears. He was vaguely embarrassed, but he couldn't say why.
Nick has never kissed Stuart that way.
He spun on his heel and went the long way around to the elevator. When Stuart arrived home, he grabbed a frozen meal of beer-battered chicken fingers and cheese sauce on fries. He glanced up and saw the ice cream. Stuart stared at it, the cold from the freezer creeping into his bones. He put the t.v. dinner back in the freezer. He walked into the living room, sat on the couch, and stared at the wall.
Five: You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC
Rating: PG for language and implied sexy times (I tried to write sex. It just wouldn't happen.)
Summary: The morning after. Lorne/Parrish
Dave Parrish woke as Evan Lorne came into the room. He didn't open his eyes as Evan moved around the room. Dave heard clattering at the bedside table and opened his eyes just enough to see Evan's back. He turned toward the bed, and Dave feigned sleep. Evan slipped into the bed and kissed Dave on the temple.
“I know you're awake,” he whispered into Dave's ear.
“No, I'm not,” Dave replied with his eyes closed.
“Oh, really,” Evan said. “I guess I'm just going to have to eat breakfast all by myself. And I went to all this trouble.”
“You went to the mess hall,” Dave answered, eyes still closed.
“That's not what I'm talking about.” Evan skimmed his hands over Dave's chest. He shivered and opened his eyes.
“If you keep that up, breakfast will be cold.”
“I'd hate for that to happen,” Evan said before kissing Dave.
Dave frowned. He knew that couldn't have tasted good since he hadn't brushed his teeth yet. Evan brought the tray over. Dave sat up and looked at the tray.
“Porridge, powdered eggs, and instant tea. My favourite,” Dave said.
“Don't be a smart ass,” Evan replied. “I didn't have much to work with.”
“It's the thought that counts,” Dave said honestly.
“Eat up,” Evan said. “Powdered eggs are gross hot, but that's nothing compared to what they taste like cold.”
“Bad?”
“I ate a skunk instead,” Evan replied. Dave wasn't sure if he was joking.
“Thank you for breakfast.”
Evan just kissed Dave again. Dave put the tray down on the floor and kissed back. “What about your breakfast?” Evan asked breathless.
“I hear they're having skunk for lunch today.”
I skipped a track here. It was “Pirate Jenny” by The Dresden Dolls. Well, the album version is called “Seeräuber Jenny.” My German is hilariously bad, and AFP sings it really fast. So I understand maybe 1 word out of 20. (Which is probably because she has an American accent. If she was German, I wouldn't get that.)
I had two options. One: Write a generic pirate-themed AU. (Or Team Atlantis versus space pirates.) or Two: Pick a song I actually understand and write about that. I went with option two.
And then after hitting forward, I made a rule that I wouldn't use any Lupe Fiasco songs because they're so visual and have so much of a story, I couldn't really do anything other than what's there.
Six: “O.G. (Original Gamer)” by MC Lars
Rating: G
Summary: March Madness but with video games!
Nobody knows who started the video game tournament. Easy money was on Sheppard. A slacker who likes to skateboard around the city was the obvious choice. But the scientists were all geeks so nobody could say it was Sheppard for certain.
If any of the theorists had been trained in diplomacy, they would've noticed that the almost daily fights had stopped and the city's inhabitants were much more relaxed since the tournament was announced. The keen-eyed would've noticed a slight smile on Weir's face whenever anyone brought the tournament up.
It's origins were unimportant. What was important was the games themselves. (And just as important, the brackets and section pools.) Sixty-four players had signed up. They were randomly pitted against each other, and a game for them to play was randomly selected. With only two video game systems in the Rec Room, the tournament had been slow going. This hadn't driven the city to boredom, though. Rather it had built excitement.
Easy money on the winner was Sheppard. He was a slacker who had last been posted in Antarctica. It would've surprised no one to learn that he played Halo for 48-hours straight once. Some of the scientists had clustered behind Kusanagi, a quiet physicist with a aptitude for RPGs, especially the Final Fantasy series. A couple *knew* McKay was going to win. The man was practically an annoying AI already.
When Lorne won his first round, nobody paid much attention. It was Call of Duty, and the man was a good soldier. Of course, he won. The second round didn't arise much attention either. Everybody who's ever played knows Jigglypuff is the strongest character in Super Smash Brothers. A couple of people sat up when Lorne beat Zelenka in round three. Portal is a physics puzzle game, and Zelenka was the second best physicist on staff. Before round four, Lorne was overheard telling Simpson that he didn't understand why everybody thought Battletoads was hard.
That's when the other players realized they were in trouble.
Lorne beat Simpson easily. The gathered crowd had never seen anyone lapped in Need for Speed before. The Final Four were Sheppard vs. Kusanagi and McKay vs. Lorne. Everyone who had bet on McKay to win it all breathed a sigh of relief when Soul Calibur was announced as the chosen game. It didn't matter how good Lorne was, SC is a button masher. And then Lorne won the first level of the two-out-of-three match with nothing but combos. Somehow, the Marine had memorized Voldo's combos. All of them.
The day of the final match, the game was set to stream the Lorne vs. Kusanagi match to everyone on duty and those who couldn't fit in the Rec Room. McKay even let all the scientists have a day off. The game was Mario Kart 64 on an emulator, allowing both players to use a N64 controller despite not having the game system. Instead of racing, though, the pair would be playing Battle. Every balloon lost caused a howl of loss and a roar of victory to echo through the city. But the contestants remained calm.
The pair had chipped away at each other all game. They were even, each having won a previous match and now driving around the level with one balloon apiece. In an attempt to evade the Japanese woman, Lorne had made a bad choice and was now backed into a corner with Kusanagi heading for him. If the Wraith had chosen to invade at that moment, they would've found themselves beaten back with the bare fists of the enraged populace.
The two Karts faced each other. A shell flew across the screen. Peach's cry was echoed by half the city whilst the rest roared “Luigi, number one!” with the sprite. Nick reached over and shook Miko's hand.
“Good game.”
“You played well.”
“Do you wanna play Operation: Racoon City with me?”
“I've been looking for someone to play with me. It's completely broken in single player.”
“I'll switch the system over.”
“I'll grab the controllers.”
Weir smiled to herself as the rest of the city settled back with their snacks and drinks to watch the co-op.
A/N: So I took a creepy song and made something cute and charming. That's what I do.
A little bit of explanation: Battletoads is the hardest game in existence. It is ridiculously hard for no reason other than to be ridiculously hard. In fact, if you're playing in co-op, you literally cannot win. It's literally impossible. But only the NTSC version. The bug doesn't exist in the PAL version. (Though, the PAL version is also ridiculously hard so you probably won't win even without the bug.) And the Japanese version (whilst still being hard) is much easier than the English language version.
Soul Calibur has insane combos. Some of the deadlier ones need 15 buttons hit in the exact order within a second of the first button being hit. This makes it essentially a button masher outside of competitive play (and sometimes within competitive play). I do know a few of Voldo's combos. They're the easier ones so I only had to memorize, like, 5 buttons.
I completely mean that slam against Resident Evil: Operation: Raccoon City. It's horrible in single-player mode. You almost can't play it because the AI is so buggy that your teammates will do things like walk through fire or throw grenades at you. The only way to play it in single player is to play the medic, kill off all your teammates, and not revive any of them. Though, you will reach a level where you need them so that's not really feasible. In multi-player, ORC is a lot of fun, though.
I purposely did not write a winner. Who did you want to win? That's who did!
Seven: The World is New by Save Ferris!
Rating: PG for language, sexual language, and injuries
Summary: After a bad day, Lorne's boyfriend cheers him up. Lorne/Zelenka
Evan Lorne sat by himself in the mess. It had been a long, bad day. His arm looked like a black and blue pincushion, and the bandage over his sunflower bite had been wrapped a bit too tight. Then there was the fact he had been bitten by a damn sunflower.
“Is this seat taken?” Radek Zelenka asked. Evan shook his head no. The physicist slipped into the seat across from him. “I heard about the sunflowers.”
“I will never be able to enjoy that painting again,” Evan spat.
“We'll always have Starry Night.” Radek took a glass of chocolate canned milk off his tray and put it on Evan's. “I grabbed too many drinks. Take this one.”
Evan knew it was highly unlikely that Radek had just managed to pick up his favourite drink by accident when he already had coffee. He accepted the glass without comment, though.
“How long did it take you guys to turn off the sprinklers in our bedroom?”
“I borrowed bed clothing from Laura,” Radek replied.
“That long?” Evan asked.
“It would've been quicker if they had allowed me to tell them what to do,” Radek replied. “Instead of Maria being convinced she knew what she was doing.” He picked up his plate of sweet dumplings. “I have too many moshi. Do you want the other?” Without waiting for a response, he put one on Evan's tray. “You like green tea, yes?”
Evan knew Radek didn't like the green tea moshi. He also knew Radek knew they were his favourite. He smiled at his boyfriend.
“Will we be able to sleep in our room or are we going to have to kip on the couch?” Evan asked.
“If we make it to the bed, we can sleep on the bed.”
“I wasn't thinking about sleeping,” Evan said.
“Neither was I,” Radek replied.
Eight: Me Like Hockey by The Arrogant Worms
Rating: PG for language
Summary: The military and the scientists play hockey. Lorne randomly decides to hit on McKay. (Yeah, I don't know where that came from.) Cameos from scap3goat and real life hockey players Tomas Plekanec and Cam Ward. Pre-McKay/Lorne, possible background Chuck/Plekanec.
Dr. Radek Zelenka glided across the ice. He swooped like a swan. And then the puck soared past Sgt. Sacha Raskolnikov. The scientists cheered.
“Dammit!” Maj. Nick Lorne cursed. “Time out! Time out!” The military team came over. “How is this happening? Not to be stereotypical here, but they're just scientists! We're stronger, faster, and trained to kill. So why haven't we scored yet?”
“Because we have an American coach, and they have a Canadian?” Sacha asked.
“Seriously?” Nick snapped. The goalie shrugged his shoulders.
“Everyone knows Canada invented hockey and Russia perfected it,” Sacha replied.
“Where I'm from has--”
“Guys!” Sgt. Chuck Campbell interrupted. “Now that we all know your dicks are of adequate size, can we solve the problem at hand?” No one said anything. “Thank you. McKay may be insufferable, but he is a genius. So are the rest of the scientists here. And where are the military scientists? Monika and Pleky are refs--”
“We shouldn't have let the Czech bastard ref!” Lt. Erik Rosen said. Chuck glared at him.
“If you think Pleky would mess with hockey, you don't know him,” he growled. Erik visibly backed down. “Monika and Pleky are refs, and the only reason I'm allowed to play is because McKay says you have to have a doctorate to be a scientist.”
“You're a scientist?” Erik asked.
“The programme that links our computers to the Atlantean ones. You never wondered where that came from?” Chuck said.
“Chuck,” Nick snapped. “You had a point?”
“I'm a geek so I know how geeks think,” Chuck replied. “We over study, over think, and over plan everything. And they have a team of geeks.”
“You're saying we're being out thought?”
“That's exactly what I'm saying,” Chuck confirmed.
“Well, in that case, we have to get creative,” Nick said.
When Monika blew the whistle to end the timeout, the military had a new plan of attack. Instead of Radek being met at centre ice by Erik, he was met by Chuck.
“You're not a centre,” he said.
“Nope,” Chuck said with a smile.
The scientists had no idea what to do with everyone playing a different position. The military didn't particularly know what to do either, but they were adapting faster.
Chuck faked left. Dr. Cam Ward bought it, shifting too far to his right to cover the whole goal. The puck flew from Chuck's stick to land in the laundry basket serving as a goal. The military erupted into cheers as Pleky blew the whistle to end the game.
The teams shook hands, ending with their coaches.
“Good game, Dr. McKay,” Nick said, grinning.
“Of course, it was. We won,” Rodney replied.
“That's what the score says,” Nick said happily. “What do you say to dinner and a movie? The mess is making not-chicken pot pie, and they're showing Back to the Future tonight. I'll let you tell me about all the mistakes they made.”
Rodney hesitated. “All of them?”
“And I think Cookie said something about saving me an extra piece of chocolate cake.”
“Fine,” Rodney said. “I'll eat with you. You should consider yourself lucky.”
“I do,” Nick said with a smile. They headed back toward the 'jumper that would ferry the two teams and spectators back to Atlantis. “I'll be one of two people in all of Atlantis that understands temporal physics.”
Rodney snorted. “If your understanding of hockey is any indication, I might be able to teach you how horrible 1980s fashion was.”
“I might not understand now, but I'm eager to learn,” Nick replied. Rodney looked away from him. He was blushing. Dinner was going to be fun.
Nine: Start Wearing Purple by Gogol Bordello (Link is to music video.)
Rating: G
Summary: This is totally not based on a real party. Lorne's lines are definitely not paraphrased from the Partner nor are Zelenka's lies paraphrased from me. The real life goat's name is Pamlico; the lab coat was specially made. Lorne/Zelenka
Evan had never seen so much purple in his entire life. Every human being was dressed in purple from head-to-toe. A woman in a low-cut purple dress even had purple hair. All the decorations were purple. Even some of the food was purple.
“Why didn't you tell me I needed to wear purple?” Evan hissed at Radek.
“Because you don't have to,” his boyfriend said with a shrug.
“Seriously? It's like a purple convention here!”
“What can I say?” Radek replied. “We take our parties seriously.” He took two beers from a passing waiter and handed one to Evan. The Marine was happy it wasn't purple.
“I can see that you take your parties seriously,” Evan said, eyeing a goat wearing a lab coat and goggles. As far as he could tell, no one else was even paying it attention. At the front of the room, the lead singer jumped from the stage. He crowd surfed over to the bar and grabbed beers for the band before crowd surfing back.
“Relax,” Radek said. He put his free hand on Evan's shoulder and massaged it. “It's not like I took you to a big party.” Evan's brain shut down for a second. Radek waited patiently for it to reboot.
“Let me get things straight in my head,” Evan said. “There's a guy in a speedo dancing on a table over there. I've been almost hit by two-no, three beach balls. And there's a goat in a lab coat--”
“Vltava is here?” Radek said excitedly. He began to look through the crowd.
“What?”
“The goat's name is Vltava,” Radek replied. “I'm surprised he made it. He should have school tomorrow.”
“I think I've figured it out,” Evan said. “You got a bunch of your friends together to punk me. There's no way Prague is actually like this.” That was when a large mound of bubbles fell on his head.
Radek laughed and pulled off his purple scarf. He tied it around Evan's head so he looked like Rambo. But cuter.
“Things would be much easier if you stopped thinking so much.” Radek kissed Evan. The Marine looked around at the people dancing through the bubbles and decided to go with it. At the least, it would be a good story.
“Take me to your goat leader.”
Ten: Elephant Elephant by Evelyn Evelyn
Rating: G
Summary: Creepy circus AU!
Nick Lorne stretched his arms in front of him, pressing both of his knees to the ground as he sat butterfly style. He counted to thirty before straightening up. Behind him, Evan Lorne went into a handstand and began doing push-ups. Nick placed his legs straight in front of him and leaned forward, placing his head on his knees.
The twins continued to warm up in silence. Out in the practice ring, people yelled as they worked out their routines for the circus's next tour. But in the curtained off part of clown alley, Nick and Evan made no noise. Even their breathing was quiet.
Ringmaster Elizabeth Weir pulled aside the curtain and poked her head in. The Lornes freaked her out. Just a bit. She didn't understand them.
Ronan the Barbarian was taller and far stronger than both men. He could bench press a grown man, but she wasn't afraid of him. He just wanted to find a place where his size didn't make people wary. John Sheppard was a death-defying acrobat. Every day, he tried to fly higher than before. Each routine was far more likely to kill him than the last. Elizabeth knew that he did it because he needed the love and approval of the crowd.
Teyla Athosia was a knife nut. She could hit the heart on a playing card from across the centre ring. Elizabeth wasn't afraid of her, though. She just wanted to make her father, the great Emmagan Athosia, proud of her. Rodney McKay was the greatest liberty horse trainer the world had ever seen, and he knew it. He was abrasive and rude, condescending to anyone who didn't meet his standards. Since his standards were impossible, most of the performers lived in a constant state of rage with him. Elizabeth wasn't afraid of him, even if he did say he could build an atomic weapon. She knew he just wanted someone to acknowledge how intelligent he was.
The circus folk, the carnies, the entirety of the freak show. None of them scared Elizabeth Weir the least bit. She was their ringmaster, and she understood them better than they understood themselves.
But the Lorne twins scared her. They did everything together. They slept in the same bunk, woke at the same time, and went to bed at the same time. The twins ate from the same plate, though they didn't share utensils. When they had to leave the troupe, they did so together and returned together. Elizabeth wasn't even sure which was Evan and which was Nick; they seemed to respond to the names randomly. She didn't understand how two people could be so close. And that scared her.
Elizabeth shook herself out of her musings to find both men staring at her. “Gentlemen, are you ready?” In unison, they nodded.
The Lornes were two of the greatest clowns the Atlantis Circus had ever seen. Every gag was incredibly difficult, perfectly executed, and uproariously funny. They fell into the clown parade and troupe gags well, but where they shined was their solo gags. Technically, they should've been called partner gags since two clowns were doing them, but Nick and Evan were so close that the other clowns often forgot they weren't one person.
That was just the way they wanted it.
A/N: This one ended in a weird place. Also, I felt it needed a bit of explanation. Evelyn Evelyn is a performance art group consisting of Amanda F. Palmer (a.k.a. Mrs. Neil Gaiman), Jason Wembley, and Sxip Shirey. Evelyn Evelyn are conjoined twins named Eva and Lynn. They were so close that they demanded everyone refer to them as Evelyn. After a series of horrible events, they joined the circus where they learned to play the ukelele and sing. They performed on the back of conjoined elephant twins Kimba and Bimba. It was the happiest time of their life. If you know anything about AFP and Jason Wembley, then you know that even more horrible things came after that. (Sxip is their unscrupulous manager who is taking advantage of them by forcing them to perform. That makes the live shows super fun! /sarcasm) But this song was written about the happiest time of their lives and their best friend. I wanted Evelyn Evelyn to show up here so I made Lorne into twins.
Clown alley is the area in the big top where the clowns get ready. The rest of the performers have dressing rooms. But the clowns get ready in the tent. Part of this is to keep kids from seeing them without their make-up. It's also because of the clowns' role in the circus. It's a live show, and sometimes things go wrong. Performers get drunk and can't go on, people fall from the high wire, etc. Because the show must go on, the ringmaster would yell “Clowns, allez!” to order the clowns out into the ring to distract the audience or to take up time until the next performance could begin. Because “allez” sounds like “alley” to English speakers, the circus named the area where the clowns stayed between their gags “clown alley.”
Liberty gags are one of the most difficult things in the circus. They're horse tricks where the trainer doesn't use anything other than their voice. There's no whips, reins, etc. They're called “liberty gags” because the horses have “liberty.” Unfortunately, there aren't as many liberty gags any more. Circuses don't pay much, the training is really difficult, and the tricks aren't nearly as flashy as the tricks with riders. (If you were five, which would excite you more: a. a pony in a funny hat running in a circle and then running that same circle in the opposite direction or b. a lady in a pretty dress doing back flips on the back of a pony in a funny hat?) As a result, most liberty trainers now work in the movies. When you see Zorro whistle and his horse come running, that's a liberty gag.
Also, I know a lot about circuses. :-)
(OMG, so much formatting. I'm sure it's all borked. If you see something I've not fixed, tell me and I'll do my best.)