A Much Needed Moment of Peace... Eventually
Axel finally came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around herself. She couldn't hide her hands or the blood she'd gotten on the towel but she did wrap them loosely. The longer hair was soaked and streaming and she looked very tired as she walked over to the bag of clothes and half-heartedly dug into them.
Owen walks into the bedroom from the living room. He'd left his father's small body tucked in on the couch with blankets and pillows, Digby watching over him. He caught sight of the blood and blinks. "Axel," he asks and walks slowly over to her, grabbing her hands lightly.
Her shoulders give a slightly jerk when he touches her. "I got him back. Is he okay?"
He pulls his hands away lightly, giving the other her space. "As far as I can tell, he's fine, other than being a little girl at the moment," he shrugs a bit ", I'm worried about you right now though. You're bleeding."
"I hit the wall." Axel swallowed. "I hit it a lot. I don't think the wall likes me anymore."
Owen pulls Axel close and rests his chin on her shoulder. "Why? Talk to me, please."
"You don't like my past." Axel whispered pushing against his chest. "I don't want you to know. I don't want it in my head. I don't want to share that kind of pain with you." Axel took a couple steps backwards until her back hit the wall. "I shouldn't be here."
Owen doesn't know what to say. He was never very good at being emotionally comforting and Axel was especially hard to comfort. He really wanted to do something. "Axel....I...want to help you."
"How do you help this?" Axel hissed shaking his head. "There's no helping this Owen. I'm just... I'm going to get dressed and I'm going to go - take care of Digger." She slunk over to the bag digging out a pair of sweatpants dragging them on and tying them tightly girly hips be damned. Prank yowled rubbing against Owen's ankles distressed. //Hurting - don't let him be an idiot Owen.//
He looked at Axel, distressed himself, and then down at Prank. He totally got that message. He bit his lip ", please. Axel please. Please don't leave like this...I have no fucking clue what's happening around me. You....please?"
That cry couldn't go unanswered could it? Axel held up a hand to keep Owen away. "I've killed fifteen people. Fifteen that I knew of. Fifteen I've wondered about and mourned for at this point. Fifteen that bother me now... Cailean... It wasn't fifteen Owen. One had a little girl with him I didn't even fucking see. I killed her. Killed her without even knowing she was there to die and... " her voice broke. "One of the others was pregnant. She was on her way home to tell her husband. How does this get better? How does it even... " She sat, sat hard in the middle of his floor. "What do I do?"
He was left staring at the wall opposite him. How does he answer that? How does he tell him that it's all okay when clearly, this is breaking Axel inside. He could probably say that him feeling like this was a good thing, in the long run, meant that he wasn't the person that had done all of those things. ".....you change. You aren't the same person that did all of that and the way you're reacting? Means that it's not too late."
"You keep saying THAT! Everyone keeps saying that! I've changed! Fine-diddly-fucking wonderful! That doesn't stop it from being there. They're dead! They're dead! I killed them! I'm not someone who stole a loaf of bread, I'm not even a freakin' Rogue who robbed a bank! I killed! I killed them all and now I'm just... Empty. I'm so empty." Axel buried her face in her knees. "I can play pretend and do good for the rest of my life and it won't change one fucking thing. Why don't you hate me? I sound crazy." Her nails were digging into her arms. "I'm completely crazy. This is too much... I just.... You won't even touch me." Which was stupid because she was keeping him away but. "Owen... what do I do?" Her stomach was flip-flopping. "Don't... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"What do you want me to say? We can't change the past and what you did has made you who you are. I don't know what you should do, what I should say. I can't make you miraculously feel better, no matter how much I wish I could," he took a deep breath ", believe me, I want to touch you, Axel, I do. But you just keep pushing me away. You flinch when I touch you. You did it just now when I pulled you close." He looked at his hand hands and sighed ", I care about you. I wouldn't stay with you if I didn't think you were worth it, Axel."
Axel shook her head then moved over to him pressing against his chest. "He made me feel them. Feel what they were feeling. he got in my head and he made me feel it."
He wraps his arms around her, kissing the top of her head. "You're not empty, Axel. I really don't know how to explain it to you other than saying what you're already heard over and over. I think....all you can do right now....is live with the knowledge of their pain and move on. We can't change what happened but we can use it to make ourselves better...."
"You know what? That doesn't make much sense." Axel shook her head. "I wish... I hadn't gown a conscience." She dropped back onto the bed gazing up at him. "It has your voice... And your eyes and it makes me do stupid things like slug demons..." She gave a soft little laugh. "You and Bart? Looked so... Content and happy today."
He closes his eyes and turns his head to the side. He didn't know how to respond to that. He wished he did, really...all he knew was that he was quickly losing the person he'd grown to love. Yeah, he loved Axel. There was really no getting around it at this point. "Was content with you there.....needed you there...don't leave."
"Kitten... I made it flat on the bed. I don't have enough energy to leave." She knew that wasn't what he'd meant but... Couldn't she save a little pride? Nope. Blame the hormones from the female transformation or just the huge crapola of shit they'd dealt with recently. Reaching up she hooked her fingers in his tugging him down on the bed with her. "I'm sorry I left but I was trying to find Dorian... I shouldn't have been gone that long - I'm sorry. I keep leaving you hunh? ............Not going anywhere... I promise. Not going anywhere at all." Her hands left his hugging him tightly a moment. "I can’t believe you put up with how fucked up I am... Where would I find that again?" There was an awkward pause then a soft little whisper. "You see me. All of me. You hear me. Every word... Owen... " She raised her head nose bumping his once. "I love you."
He falls onto the bed with her and curls up against her side. "It's alright....you went and got someone that could help. He at least told us that he was alright," he sighed and snuggled her ", I'm glad that you're staying." He blushes and smiles at him, kissing her lightly, bumping their noses together ", I love you too, Axel."
"I have no idea what the hell I did to deserve you Kitten... But I'm sure as hell not letting you go." Snuggling in against him she shut her eyes. Tomorrow was another day and no matter how wonderful or terrible it might be she'd have this moment of peace even if it was just here, in his arms. Schmaltzy or not Owen was her touch point and she couldn't lose that. Not now. Not ever.
Once he’d fallen asleep Axel sat and watched his lover fingers stroking through the short red hair. He couldn’t understand. There was simply no way for Owen to understand. It wasn’t fair to even ask him to wrap his mind around it. Axel could barely wrap her mind around it.
There is nothing to be gained in dwelling on those dead. We learn. We move on. That is all there is.
You’re being oddly talkative.
He calmed you down enough to listen. You need him. He balances you in ways that you’ve never known. For now until you can stand on your own? Lean on him. Then when he needs it as well carry him. It is a two way street little one.
Why are you…here?
You’re mine.
How?
It isn’t important.
No?
You’re important. More important then you could realize. But not just yet and not right now. We’ll get there luv, it’ll take a while and this is only the tip of the iceberg of ship that’s sinking your Titantic but we’ll get there.
Prank…?
Sleep.
But… I’ve got so many questions…
Sleep.
Axel slept.
........
Owen walks into the bedroom from the living room. He'd left his father's small body tucked in on the couch with blankets and pillows, Digby watching over him. He caught sight of the blood and blinks. "Axel," he asks and walks slowly over to her, grabbing her hands lightly.
Her shoulders give a slightly jerk when he touches her. "I got him back. Is he okay?"
He pulls his hands away lightly, giving the other her space. "As far as I can tell, he's fine, other than being a little girl at the moment," he shrugs a bit ", I'm worried about you right now though. You're bleeding."
"I hit the wall." Axel swallowed. "I hit it a lot. I don't think the wall likes me anymore."
Owen pulls Axel close and rests his chin on her shoulder. "Why? Talk to me, please."
"You don't like my past." Axel whispered pushing against his chest. "I don't want you to know. I don't want it in my head. I don't want to share that kind of pain with you." Axel took a couple steps backwards until her back hit the wall. "I shouldn't be here."
Owen doesn't know what to say. He was never very good at being emotionally comforting and Axel was especially hard to comfort. He really wanted to do something. "Axel....I...want to help you."
"How do you help this?" Axel hissed shaking his head. "There's no helping this Owen. I'm just... I'm going to get dressed and I'm going to go - take care of Digger." She slunk over to the bag digging out a pair of sweatpants dragging them on and tying them tightly girly hips be damned. Prank yowled rubbing against Owen's ankles distressed. //Hurting - don't let him be an idiot Owen.//
He looked at Axel, distressed himself, and then down at Prank. He totally got that message. He bit his lip ", please. Axel please. Please don't leave like this...I have no fucking clue what's happening around me. You....please?"
That cry couldn't go unanswered could it? Axel held up a hand to keep Owen away. "I've killed fifteen people. Fifteen that I knew of. Fifteen I've wondered about and mourned for at this point. Fifteen that bother me now... Cailean... It wasn't fifteen Owen. One had a little girl with him I didn't even fucking see. I killed her. Killed her without even knowing she was there to die and... " her voice broke. "One of the others was pregnant. She was on her way home to tell her husband. How does this get better? How does it even... " She sat, sat hard in the middle of his floor. "What do I do?"
He was left staring at the wall opposite him. How does he answer that? How does he tell him that it's all okay when clearly, this is breaking Axel inside. He could probably say that him feeling like this was a good thing, in the long run, meant that he wasn't the person that had done all of those things. ".....you change. You aren't the same person that did all of that and the way you're reacting? Means that it's not too late."
"You keep saying THAT! Everyone keeps saying that! I've changed! Fine-diddly-fucking wonderful! That doesn't stop it from being there. They're dead! They're dead! I killed them! I'm not someone who stole a loaf of bread, I'm not even a freakin' Rogue who robbed a bank! I killed! I killed them all and now I'm just... Empty. I'm so empty." Axel buried her face in her knees. "I can play pretend and do good for the rest of my life and it won't change one fucking thing. Why don't you hate me? I sound crazy." Her nails were digging into her arms. "I'm completely crazy. This is too much... I just.... You won't even touch me." Which was stupid because she was keeping him away but. "Owen... what do I do?" Her stomach was flip-flopping. "Don't... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"What do you want me to say? We can't change the past and what you did has made you who you are. I don't know what you should do, what I should say. I can't make you miraculously feel better, no matter how much I wish I could," he took a deep breath ", believe me, I want to touch you, Axel, I do. But you just keep pushing me away. You flinch when I touch you. You did it just now when I pulled you close." He looked at his hand hands and sighed ", I care about you. I wouldn't stay with you if I didn't think you were worth it, Axel."
Axel shook her head then moved over to him pressing against his chest. "He made me feel them. Feel what they were feeling. he got in my head and he made me feel it."
He wraps his arms around her, kissing the top of her head. "You're not empty, Axel. I really don't know how to explain it to you other than saying what you're already heard over and over. I think....all you can do right now....is live with the knowledge of their pain and move on. We can't change what happened but we can use it to make ourselves better...."
"You know what? That doesn't make much sense." Axel shook her head. "I wish... I hadn't gown a conscience." She dropped back onto the bed gazing up at him. "It has your voice... And your eyes and it makes me do stupid things like slug demons..." She gave a soft little laugh. "You and Bart? Looked so... Content and happy today."
He closes his eyes and turns his head to the side. He didn't know how to respond to that. He wished he did, really...all he knew was that he was quickly losing the person he'd grown to love. Yeah, he loved Axel. There was really no getting around it at this point. "Was content with you there.....needed you there...don't leave."
"Kitten... I made it flat on the bed. I don't have enough energy to leave." She knew that wasn't what he'd meant but... Couldn't she save a little pride? Nope. Blame the hormones from the female transformation or just the huge crapola of shit they'd dealt with recently. Reaching up she hooked her fingers in his tugging him down on the bed with her. "I'm sorry I left but I was trying to find Dorian... I shouldn't have been gone that long - I'm sorry. I keep leaving you hunh? ............Not going anywhere... I promise. Not going anywhere at all." Her hands left his hugging him tightly a moment. "I can’t believe you put up with how fucked up I am... Where would I find that again?" There was an awkward pause then a soft little whisper. "You see me. All of me. You hear me. Every word... Owen... " She raised her head nose bumping his once. "I love you."
He falls onto the bed with her and curls up against her side. "It's alright....you went and got someone that could help. He at least told us that he was alright," he sighed and snuggled her ", I'm glad that you're staying." He blushes and smiles at him, kissing her lightly, bumping their noses together ", I love you too, Axel."
"I have no idea what the hell I did to deserve you Kitten... But I'm sure as hell not letting you go." Snuggling in against him she shut her eyes. Tomorrow was another day and no matter how wonderful or terrible it might be she'd have this moment of peace even if it was just here, in his arms. Schmaltzy or not Owen was her touch point and she couldn't lose that. Not now. Not ever.
Once he’d fallen asleep Axel sat and watched his lover fingers stroking through the short red hair. He couldn’t understand. There was simply no way for Owen to understand. It wasn’t fair to even ask him to wrap his mind around it. Axel could barely wrap her mind around it.
There is nothing to be gained in dwelling on those dead. We learn. We move on. That is all there is.
You’re being oddly talkative.
He calmed you down enough to listen. You need him. He balances you in ways that you’ve never known. For now until you can stand on your own? Lean on him. Then when he needs it as well carry him. It is a two way street little one.
Why are you…here?
You’re mine.
How?
It isn’t important.
No?
You’re important. More important then you could realize. But not just yet and not right now. We’ll get there luv, it’ll take a while and this is only the tip of the iceberg of ship that’s sinking your Titantic but we’ll get there.
Prank…?
Sleep.
But… I’ve got so many questions…
Sleep.
Axel slept.
........