fic: pineapple pandemic
Title: Pineapple Pandemic
Rating: PG
Genre(s): gen, humour, some angst
Word Count: ~8,250
Pairing(s) / Character(s): Doctor 10 / Rose (Doctor 11 / Amy, Arthur / Merlin), Gwen, Morgana, Uther, Gaius
Warnings / Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or Doctor Who
Summary: Written for audiopineapple, prompt: to use her name to write something dedicated to her!
Prologue
“A pineapple!”
“A what?” Rose yells, running to catch up with the Doctor.
“A pineapple!” the Doctor repeats, picking the prickly fruit up from the ground and spinning around on the spot to face Rose as she jogs to a halt in front of him. He holds the pineapple out, shoving it in her face, and grins manically.
“What’s a pineapple doing in the middle of a forest?” Rose asks, looking around for any signs of vegetation besides the numerous leafy trees towering around them.
“I have no idea,” the Doctor grins. “But it’s brilliant!” He drops the pineapple into Rose’s hands, eliciting an indignant “Ow!”, and darts away. “C’mon, let’s see where we’ve crash-landed! Can’t be too far from Earth, we probably hit a stray vortex, as you do...” The Doctor’s voice begins to fade into the distance.
“Doctor!” Rose yells after him, yet unable to stop the beam edging onto her face. “Wait for me!”
.pineapple.
“A pineapple!”
“A what?” Amy yells, ducking under another large, looming branch and trying to keep up with the Doctor, who, despite claiming to be over 900 years old, is rather sprightly and energetic for his age.
“A pineapple!”
“Where?” Amy demands as she surfaces from the leafy clutches of the forest to find the Doctor staring at something in the distance. She follows his gaze, across the meadow of grass, and sees a pineapple sitting in the middle of nowhere. “Oh. A pineapple!”
“Exactly,” the Doctor affirms, nodding sagely. He strides up to the offending fruit and stares down at it in examination. Amy dashes after him.
“What’s it doing here?” she asks curiously from opposite the Doctor, their heads leaning close as they continue to scrutinise the pineapple.
“I have no idea,” the Doctor replies with some wonder and a mild frown. He looks up, observing their countryside surroundings. “But wherever this place is that we’ve crash-landed in, I’m pretty sure pineapples don’t just grow here for laughs and giggles.”
Amy stares up at the Doctor through her eyelashes and grins. “Another mystery to solve, then?”
.pineapple.
“Where are we then, Doctor?” Rose asks, fingers clutching tightly at the Doctor’s hand, the other arm wrapped tight around the pineapple as they meander across the large expanse of pasture and grassland. So far, they’ve passed by five fields of wheat, four barley, two sweet corn, fifty-odd sheep and a few herds of cattle.
“No idea,” the Doctor says honestly, looking down at Rose out of the corner of his eye and grinning. “But that’s the beauty of it.”
.pineapple.
“It’s just like Earth,” Amy comments as she hikes up yet another hill, arms full of pineapple. “Lots of grass and flowers. This planet’s even got clouds,” she adds as she tilts her head back and looks up at the sky.
“By all appearances, it is Earth,” the Doctor agrees from a few paces in front, leading the way. “Only humans would invent scarecrows. Genius.” He gestures at a lone straw man perched in the centre of a field of crops, and Amy laughs as she looks at his raggedy form.
“I used to draw you like a scarecrow. I never had any talent for art,” she admits, quietly grudging about telling her childhood fantasies, yet watching the scarecrow with fondness. The Doctor pauses in his footsteps and glances at her thoughtfully. Rather than turning a sad eye back on the scarecrow, after a brief beat of silence, he continues onwards.
.pineapple.
“Ahoy!” The Doctor exclaims as they brush out of foliage into a clearing. He lifts a flat hand to his eyes to shield them from the mid-afternoon sun setting the entire scenery alight.
Rose sees it too. “It’s beautiful,” she murmurs, staring into the distance with an awed smile, and her hand tightens. “Where are we?”
“Who knows?” the Doctor replies, still grinning, then pulls Rose along. “Let’s explore!”
.pineapple.
“Doctor!” Amy shouts, having darted ahead (and relieved herself of the pineapple), and waves frantically. “I think we’re here!”
“Where is ‘here’?” the Doctor asks with unconcealed doubt and wonder in his voice as he hurries to join Amy, pineapple in tow.
“I don’t know,” Amy breathes excitedly as she watches the Doctor soak in the picture of the city rising in the distance, a magnificent castle spouting proudly from the centre. “But it’s brilliant.”
.pineapple.
“They look human,” Rose murmurs to the Doctor as they wander into the town, side by side.
The Doctor makes a noncommittal grunt and gazes intently around at the people bustling by. “Excuse me, sir.” He suddenly jerks to a stop, startling Rose (who almost drops the pineapple) and stopping a passer-by. “My travelling companion and I are lost. Where are we exactly?”
The man gives the Doctor a strange look, but answers nonetheless. “This is the city of Camelot. If you come from lands afar,” he glances suspiciously at the Doctor’s and Rose’s attire, “you should seek counsel with the King. He will offer you guidance and protection.” Dipping his head politely to signal the end of the conversation, the man goes on his way.
“Oh my God.” Rose looks up at the Doctor. “We’re in-”
.pineapple.
“Camelot?!” Amy exclaims.
“Hush!” the Doctor scolds, putting a finger to his lips and glaring at Amy as several people walk past, looking at them oddly.
“This is ridiculous,” Amy powers on, ignoring the Doctor. “There’s no such place as Camelot! It’s a myth - a fairytale.” She gives the Doctor a pointed a look. “Or is it?”
“It is, it is,” the Doctor says, shaking his head, bewildered.
“Maybe we’re in a dream. Maybe I’m dreaming?” Amy offers unhelpfully, looking around in awe at their very real surroundings; the stone buildings, the people dressed in dull colours save for the odd speck of red or blue.
“Don’t be silly,” the Doctor reprimands, then shoves the pineapple into Amy’s arms again, causing her to splutter and protest. “We need to find out more.”
.pineapple.
“This isn’t possible,” the Doctor hisses into Rose’s ear as he steers her through the milling crowds. “Camelot never existed; it’s fictional, passed down from generation to generation of storytellers. It’s like the story of Little Red Riding Hood - you don’t want to know how that really started.” The Doctor shakes his head disapprovingly, but before Rose can interrupt, goes on, “But this world, it’s real, real as Earth...”
“Something’s happening,” Rose points out, attention distracted by the direction the crowd is surging towards. She holds the pineapple tighter as they are jostled towards the centre of the horde of people, which is circling a raised platform.
A dangerous, fearful quiet falls across the square as horns begin to blow and the sound of drums start. Rose’s side presses against the Doctor’s, and she feels his hand clench tighter.
They all watch as two armour-clad knights bring out what looks to be an ordinary-looking peasant man between them. Above them on a balcony stands another man, also flanked by two knights, though they are far from restraining him; he is older, regally dressed in leather and red cape, and he wears a crown on his head.
“Is that-” Rose begins, but is shushed by a look from the Doctor.
As the peasant is forced to kneel at a block of wood on the centre of the stage, the one everyone is looking at in fear begins to speak.
“This man, Peter Anderson, is judged guilty of conspiring to use enchantments and magic against the people of Camelot,” he says, calm yet threatening. “And pursuant of the laws of Camelot, I, Uther Pendragon, have decreed that such practices are banned on penalty of death.”
.pineapple.
“Magic?” Amy frowns, watching the scene unfold with evident scepticism. “There’s no such thing as magic. What a load of nonsense.”
Before she can continue, however, a resounding thump echoes across the hushed square, and Amy has a hand held to her mouth, eyes wide with horror. Someone screams but she barely hears its piercing shrill as a human head rolls to the ground.
“Doctor.” Amy tries to stifle her gasps as she searches blindly with her free hand. “Doctor.”
A hand clasps onto hers, tight and secure, and the Doctor draws Amy against him in a hug, pineapple crushed between them. “Hush, it’s okay,” he says in soothing tones as he rubs her back with his other hand, an unforgiving eye forever fixed on the red-caped figure on the balcony, watching events unfold with cool neutrality.
.pineapple.
“What was that?” Rose gasps, angry, tearful and disbelieving all in one as the Doctor leads her away quickly. Her throat is a tad sore from her shocked scream as the axe had fallen. “I can’t- I can’t believe-”
“The legends never spoke of forbidden magic. In fact, magic shouldn’t exist at all,” the Doctor mutters to himself over Rose, a dark look cast on his face. “This is Earth, but something’s gone wrong. This isn’t the past, but it isn’t the future either.”
The Doctor would’ve continued, but then a boy runs right into them, bowling an unsuspecting Rose over. She goes down with a scream, hand ripped from the Doctor’s grasp, in a heap of blonde hair, lanky limbs, and pineapple.
“Rose!” The Doctor starts forwards and pulls her up from the wreckage. “Are you okay?”
“Fine, I’m fine,” Rose replies breathlessly, hands patting at her askew hair and clothes. The boy who had run her over looks worse off; his short dark hair is wild like a horse’s, and his ears are truly a sight to see.
“Sorry, I’m really sorry,” he’s saying, brushing himself down and scrambling up. “Ow!” he then yells in surprised pain, hand coming in contact with a pineapple spike. “What is that?”
“Mine,” is the Doctor’s reply, swiping the pineapple after the boy’s picked it up. “It’s called a pineapple. It’s a fruit.” He looks at the boy with interest. “Who are you, then, and what’s the big rush?”
“Er.” The boy looks caught off guard as the Doctor and Rose wait expectantly for an answer. “I... If that’s a fruit, then I don’t want to be put in the stocks anymore,” is what he finally says, gesturing at the pineapple.
The Doctor bursts into a great big smile as Rose looks confused. “Stocks?” she echoes, disbelieving. “You’re not being serious? They still put you in those things?”
“And executing people too,” the Doctor adds, and suddenly, the boy’s expression mirrors the dark look in the Doctor’s eyes.
“That’s why I was in such a rush,” the boy adds, looking beyond the Doctor’s and Roses’ shoulders at the dispersing crowd.
“To watch an execution?” Rose looks sick.
“No, no!” The boy is frantic, desperately protesting with a flail of arms and hands. “I just... never mind. I’m Merlin.” He sticks out a hand and beams friendlily. “Sorry about before.”
Rose bursts out laughing. “You’re kidding, right?”
The Doctor tilts his head with interest and watches the growing puzzlement on Merlin’s face.
The smile falls from Rose’s face.
“Oh.”
.pineapple.
“I can’t believe I just watched someone’s head being chopped off.”
“You’ll be fine,” the Doctor says breezily, tugging Amy and the pineapple along. “We need to get to the end of this... this place, the magic, everything. I can’t have you comatose because of a mere decapitation.”
“Doctor!” Amy exclaims, indignant.
“Yep, that’s my name, and here we are!” Amy gives a surprised shriek as she collides into the Doctor’s back.
“Where are we?” Amy asks once she’s regained her balance and is looking around curiously. They’re standing next to a stretch of green grass, in which there are several men clad in armour with- “Are those swords?”
“Correct, Amy Pond!” The Doctor nods, leaning over the wooden fence and watching what appears to be a sword practice unfold.
Perching the pineapple on one of the stubs of the fence, Amy drapes her arms over the wood beside the Doctor. “So what are we doing here?” she asks, eyes fixated on the smooth movements of the muscular, fit men in front of her. “Besides checking out the knights of Camelot... Hm-hm.”
The Doctor doesn’t hear the latter, as usual obtuse to all statements even vaguely flirtatious. “That over there,” he replies, pointing at a particular blonde-haired young man who looks rather handsome even from such a distance, “is the once and future King... Arthur Pendragon.”
The Pineapple Pandemic
for audiopineapple
“Merlin, you’re late,” Arthur states the obvious as Merlin skids to a graceless halt in front of him.
“Sorry,” Merlin apologises, not for the first time of the day. “I ran into these people-”
“Save the shoddy excuses,” Arthur interrupts, brushing him off and shoving his sword into Merlin’s hands. “Training’s over.”
Merlin can only watch quietly as Arthur stalks past him and towards the castle. He heaves a sigh and starts after his liege, but at a slower pace, sword almost dragging in the dirt. Both he and Arthur aren’t exactly feeling benevolent right now, what with the execution this morning of a man who was most likely innocent; a man yet another victim of Uther’s irrational fear of magic; one of Merlin’s kind who Merlin had, again, failed to save, and watched helplessly as the life was torn from him.
Merlin had wanted to save Peter Whatisname for more than just because of his compassionate soul, though. The Great Dragon had mentioned to him in passing that should he let Peter die, a terrible curse would befall Camelot. Merlin had tried to plead with Arthur to stand up to his father, but Peter was just another peasant, with no important connections and no valuable purpose in life, and Merlin hadn’t reached the execution in time this morning, what with the excessive amount of chores Arthur continues to dole out daily without a shred of mercy.
Not that that would have made a great deal of difference. Merlin wouldn’t have been able to stop the execution; that would’ve meant revealing his magic, and it isn’t time yet. (When though? his mind whispers.)
Needless to say, by the time Arthur and Merlin reach the Prince’s chambers, neither of them are in an agreeable mood.
“MERLIN!” Arthur roars, leg half-raised and about to plunge into the bathtub. “Why is there a PRICKLY PLANT in my BATH, you IDIOT!”
And that is when Merlin learns to truly fear the fruit known as the pineapple.
“That’s... a pineapple,” Merlin replies unsurely as he moves with obvious hesitation towards Arthur, who is holding up a familiar, wet object.
“A what?” Arthur looks at Merlin as though he’s not only an idiot, but an idiot with two heads.
“A pineapple, sire,” Merlin repeats with more conviction. “It’s a fruit.”
Arthur looks at the pineapple again - appraises it - then sets his gaze firmly on Merlin. “Are you sure you’re not really mentally afflicted?” he deadpans in all seriousness. “Stop being an idiot and change the water!”
Merlin emits a less-than-masculine squawk and dodges a flying pineapple aimed for his head.
.pineapple.
“Another one?” Merlin groans, and sinks into a well-placed chair. “This is a nightmare, Gwen.”
Gwen looks upon Merlin sympathetically. “It was in the Lady Morgana’s bed. She screamed so loud I heard her down the corridor. For a moment I thought she was in real danger.” She clasps her heart with an embarrassed smile.
“Where are they coming from?” Merlin shakes his head and stands up, gesturing for Gwen to show him the way. They leave Gaius’ chambers and head to Morgana’s room. “If it’s a practical joke, it’s really well done. Nah, it’s more like... Oh no.” He smacks his head with the butt of his palm and groans again. “Uther’s going to go on a witch-hunt again because there’ll be no explanation for this, and he’ll definitely blame this on magic.”
Gwen glances up at Merlin. “How do you know it’s not magic, though?” she asks.
Merlin looks Gwen square in the face. “What sorcerer would conjure these spiky things to appear all over the castle? That’s hardly ‘striking at the heart of Camelot’.”
.pineapple.
“It is without a doubt a sorceror attempting to strike at the very heart of Camelot.”
Merlin stifles a choking groan and lets his sceptical face, directed at Gwen, who can’t help but smile, say it all.
“I do believe I can be of service,” a voice suddenly rings clear in the grand hall, and everyone turns around to see a man dressed in odd navy attire and the wildest brown hair that Arthur immediately compares to Merlin’s (except it’s even spikier, and Arthur’s just a bit impressed). Beside him stands a blonde-haired girl, also oddly dressed in tight-fitting and rather revealing clothes.
Somewhere, at the back of the room, Amy hears the Doctor mutter, “Oh bugger.”
.pineapple.
“And you are?” Uther asks the stranger, standing to take a good visual examination of him and his female companion, who is holding the offending object that is plaguing his kingdom. To his left and right, Arthur and Morgana exchange looks, and Merlin nudges Gaius.
“I bumped into them yesterday,” he whispers, “just after the execution.”
Gaius raises a wordless eyebrow at his apprentice.
“I’m John Smith,” ‘John Smith’ says genially, and waves a small piece of paper around. With a flick of Uther’s hand, Sir Leon takes it and passes it to his King. “And this is Rose.”
“You are a Lord of the land of Tardis?” Uther asks, scrutinising the paper with a hard eye. “And your lady friend?”
“Wife,” the blonde-haired girl says, speaking for the first time.
“Well-” John starts.
“I’m his wife,” Rose repeats, speaking over John and ignoring his subtle glare. She sends Uther a large smile. “I’m Lady Rose Smith. It’s a pleasure, your Highness.”
“And what is your business here in Camelot, Lord Smith?” Uther asks, sending the piece of paper back to John via Leon. “You say you can be of service in ridding us of this plague that has infiltrated the walls of our city?”
“We are but humble travellers passing by, seeking a few nights’ rest here,” John answers, turning away from his wife. “And yes, we can be of help regarding this... epidemic.”
Beside him, Rose smothers a smirk.
“You can tell us the origin of this enchantment?” Uther demands.
“No, not quite,” John replies slowly, “but we can track it down for you.” Rose elbows him delicately in the ribs. “My lord.”
At the back of the room, Amy hears the Doctor repeat, “Bugger bugger!”
.pineapple.
“So you’re Merlin?”
Merlin turns to smile at the Lady Rose. “Yes. I’m really sorry again about yesterday, my Lady. I’m really grateful that you didn’t mention it to the King. He would’ve put me in the stocks again, for bowling a Lord and Lady over. And with those... pineapples appearing everywhere, I don’t want to be anywhere near the stocks right now.” He gives a half grimace, half grin, eliciting an amused laugh from Rose.
“So, Merlin.” It's the Lord Smith’s turn to speak, and Merlin finds himself meeting a friendly face, though the eyes set in it are dark and intense. “Magic. It’s forbidden in Camelot?”
Merlin holds eye contact for a moment longer, before breaking away and focusing on the corridor he’s leading the couple down. “Yes,” is his short answer.
“And the King thinks this... pineapple pandemic,” for some reason, the Lady Rose gives a snort of laughter at this, “is the work of a sorceror.”
“Yes,” Merlin repeats. “That’s what he always thinks when he can’t find a reason for the weird things that happen around here.”
“And lots of ‘weird’ things happen around here a lot then?”
Merlin shifts uncomfortably under the weight of scrutiny he knows he (or rather, his back) is being put under. “Yeah, I guess,” he says as calmly as possible. “You can’t stop magic; it’s always there.”
If Merlin hadn’t been straining to hear, he would not have caught Rose hissing, “It’s real, Doctor?”
“Your chambers, then.” Merlin is both relieved and disappointed when they reach the guest bedroom, and opens the door for the Lord and Lady. “I hope you enjoy your stay with us here in Camelot.”
“If we need you again, Merlin, how do we find you?” Lord Smith asks before Merlin can make his escape. The Lady Rose, meanwhile, has put her pineapple down on the table and is busy inspecting the bedroom with evident interest.
“I’m Prince Arthur’s manservant,” Merlin answers with an apologetic smile, “and most of the time I attend to him only. If you need anything, there will be many menservants and maids should you need anything.”
Once Lord Smith gives his nod of understanding, Merlin shuts the door, but not before hearing the Lady Rose say, “Did he just say Prince Arthur?”
.pineapple.
“Who was that?” Amy demands as she dashes after the Doctor, who is pacing quickly down yet another corridor. “They were wearing normal clothes. As in normal clothes. She was wearing jeans! And Lord of the Tardis? Was that some sort of joke? Is he another Time Lord? Is she a Time Lady?”
“I’m the last one,” the Doctor snaps, not sparing his companion a glance as he fiddles with his sonic screwdriver. “C’mon, c’mon!” he yells at it in frustration.
“Doctor!” Amy glares impatiently. He’s not answering her questions again, and she doesn’t like it; she trusts him, but she doesn’t like it.
“Shut up, Amy,” the Doctor orders, then bolts to a stop, causing Amy to crash into him, not for the first time today. He spins around to face her. “I’m going to find... John Smith. You need to get changed into something more... Camelotey, and stay out of the way. Don’t talk to anyone, don’t tell anyone anything about who you are, or about me. Most importantly, do not talk to John Smith and Ro- his wife if you see them. Walk in the opposite direction, got it?”
Amy nods, uncertain and confused.
“Good. Right. I’ll see you later then. Stay out of trouble, do you hear me, young lady?” He begins to walk away after one last pointed look, but swerves back again to snatch the pineapple from Amy’s hands. “I’ll take that.” Then the Doctor darts off, and is gone in seconds.
Amy huffs to herself. “Damn it!"
.pineapple.
“I need to find Merlin,” the Doctor mutters, pacing around the bedroom. “I need to talk to him. If the legends are true, then he’s a wizard. And he’s a wizard living in Camelot... where magic is forbidden.”
Rose watches the Doctor from the bed, having changed into a regal dress made of silk. “Let’s go then,” she says, sitting up.
“No,” the Doctor shakes his head. “I need you to talk to everyone else - the maids, the stable boys, everyone. Find out everything about the King and the Crown, find out why magic’s forbidden.”
“Right.” Rose jumps off the bed and smooths down her dress. The Doctor smiles at her and makes for the door, but Rose stops him when she adds, “By the way, darling, you look rather dashing in medieval clothes.”
The Doctor’s grin widens, and goes to Rose, pulling her hand to his mouth and pressing a soft kiss to its back. “Thank you, my lady,” he murmurs, and then he’s gone.
Rose goes to the mirror and regards herself for a moment, before sweeping towards the door to begin her own adventure. Only, when she opens it, she is met by a man with wild brown hair (rather like the Doctor’s actually) dressed in plain clothing, clutching a pineapple.
“Um,” Rose says.
“Rose!” the man exclaims, before his face falls in panic and his eyes widen even more. “I mean, my lady!”
.pineapple.
Arthur is in a foul mood. He’s found yet another ‘pineapple’ in his chambers, this time on his windowsill like an ominous omen, and Merlin is nowhere to be seen. He’s storming down the corridors, towards Gaius’ room, ready to drag his lazy, good-for-nothing manservant back to do his job, when he rounds a corner and smashes into someone.
“Watch where you’re going!” Arthur snaps angrily at the red-haired maidservant who is regaining her balance. She glances up, looking as though to retort back in her own heated manner, before her eyes fix on Arthur’s face, and she falters.
“I’m sorry... sir. I mean, sire.” She dips her head in deference, and in the back of Arthur’s mind, he notes her pretty features and attractive head of red hair, but at the moment he has more important things to deal with - such as his useless manservant.
“Have you seen Merlin?” Arthur asks instead, a little bewildered that this maid is so tall that she’s practically eye-level with him, but ignores this and focuses on the fact he is the Crown Prince.
“Merlin?” the girl stutters with wide eyes. “Er. No. No, I haven’t seen... Merlin.”
“Great,” Arthur says through gritted teeth, then waves his hand and walks away briskly. “You’re dismissed.”
.pineapple.
Merlin and Gaius are flipping through books about magic when the knock on the door sounds. Being closer, Gaius stands to get it.
“Hello,” the man says in greeting with a wide smile, “is Merlin here?”
“Yes, my lord,” Gaius nods, watching John Smith carefully as he enters the room and catches sight of Merlin.
“My lord?” Merlin asks, snapping his book shut and standing.
“I was wondering how your research on this pineapple pandemic is progressing,” Lord Smith enquires.
“Not well, sire,” Gaius answers gravely, reclaiming his seat. “I have never heard about or seen this pineapple before in all my life.” He gestures at a few pineapples sitting innocently on the table. “I would not know it had Merlin not explained to me its name and value, which I believe he learned from you. How do you know of it?”
“It’s an exotic fruit; it comes from distant lands, where I’m from,” Lord Smith replies, though there is a twinkle of amusement in his eyes.
“I don’t see how it’s a fruit,” Merlin comments, gazing at the pineapples sceptically. “You can’t eat that.”
“The pineapple has a prickly exterior for a skin,” Lord Smith explains patiently, tapping one. “But inside its flesh is sweet. It’s quite a treat.” He looks at the pineapples thoughtfully, before turning to Merlin. “So. You can do magic.”
“Excuse me?” Gaius says whilst Merlin gapes. “Sire, you must be mistaken, Merlin-”
“Don’t worry,” Lord Smith insists, advancing on a surprised Merlin and placing a hand on his shoulder to squeeze reassuringly. “I’m a friend. I know nothing of magic but I understand King Uther has forbidden it. I need to know why. I need to know everything about magic in Camelot if I am to help you get rid of the pineapples.”
.pineapple.
“What’s the matter?” Rose asks, gazing strangely at who she assumes is a regular manservant at her door. “Is everything okay?”
The man blinks, before blurting out, “Everything’s fine, my lady. Sorry, my lady.”
“Call me Rose,” Rose says with a wave of her hand, “I hate being called ‘my lady’.”
“I know,” the man replies. “I mean, yes. All right. Rose.”
“What’s your name?” Rose asks, thinking about how the Doctor had asked her to investigate the ‘common people’ as she shuts the door and leads them away from the room.
“...John.” The servant smiles nervously at Rose.
“That’s my husband’s name too!” Rose looks at John appraisingly. “You kinda look like him as well.” John laughs, a nice ringing sound, and Rose grins. “So... this... plague. When did it start? And why are you holding a pine- I mean, that thing?”
“I’m not sure. I’m new. Arrived this morning actually, don’t know what I’m doing. At all,” John replies, waving his hands about animatedly in a way that reminds Rose of the Doctor. In fact, there’s something very familiar about John... but she just can’t put her finger on what it is.
.pineapple.
The Doctor sits back and scrutinises the young boy in front of him with a blank, expressionless face. “It’s tiring, isn’t it? Saving the day over and over again, and you never get your just rewards.”
Before Merlin can reply (he has just spent the last hour telling this strange man everything he’s ever accomplished against Camelot’s law when he’s never told anyone else beyond Gaius), the door slams open and a blonde-haired man frames the doorway with a definite angry visage.
“Merlin!” he barks, glaring across the room, past the Doctor and Gaius. “Where have you been, you idiot? There’s another one! Another one of those things on my windowsill.”
The Doctor leaps to his feet, once again before Merlin can respond. “Well, what are you waiting for?” He grins at Merlin. “Let’s go!”
.pineapple.
“Hey!”
Amy freezes and turns around to see a blonde-haired girl - or woman, she looks too young to be married, Amy thinks (but then again she herself is only twenty-one and she's marrying Rory tomorrow) - descending on her fast before she can make a quick escape. She groans inwardly when she recognises her as the Lady Rose - whom the Doctor had specifically told her not to speak to. Great.
“My lady?” Amy tries hesitantly, unsure of how she should respond.
“I was er... looking for a maid. Like you.” The Lady Rose smiles friendlily at Amy and touches her arm. “What’s your name?”
“Um.” Amy panics. “Amy.”
“Are you Scottish, Amy?” the Lady Rose asks, already pulling Amy along by her side, still smiling.
“Yes.” Amy looks down at Rose - for she is quite a lot smaller than her - and knows she shouldn’t because the Doctor said no, but she does it anyway, because she’s Amy, and she will not be kept in the dark. “Where are you from? Your clothes... I saw them, they’re... different. I’ve never seen clothes like that before.”
“Oh.” For a moment, Amy thinks she sees a flicker of anxiety in Rose’s eyes. “My home is far, far away. We have a totally different culture there.” She pauses, then looks at Amy, scrutinising. “So there is a Scotland here?”
Amy realises her mistake, and at the same time learns something new and vitally important. “Of course, my lady,” she says through a mask of innocence. “We’re in England.” God we had better be in England right now. A warped England but England nonetheless. “You speak like an Englishwoman,” Amy remarks a little boldly. Rose even sounds a little cockney. “Are you sure you’re that far away from home?”
The Lady Rose stops, and Amy has to twist herself to come to a halt in front of her. She meets Rose’s intent stare and refuses to break eye contact.
“I’m sure,” Rose finally says, voice cold and firm. “...You’re dismissed.”
Amy watches as the Lady walks away. She’s about to turn a corner, when Amy bursts out with, “Didn’t you want me for something? My lady?”
Rose glances back. “You don’t have anything that I’m looking for,” she replies with a little less ice in her tone of voice, and turns the corner.
.pineapple.
“I turned my back,” Arthur is explaining as Merlin and Lord Smith traipse after him, “and when I turn around again, there’s that thing on my windowsill.”
“Spooky,” Lord Smith chirps rather too cheerfully, earning an odd look from the Prince. This is wiped off, though, when Arthur opens his door to find a servant in his chambers, clutching the offending pineapple and pointing a stick at it.
“Who are you?” Arthur demands as the man pockets his stick quickly and looks up, a picture of innocence.
“Nobody,” the man answers. “I was just... cleaning your room. Sire.” His eyes slip from Arthur’s face to Merlin’s, and finally lands on Lord Smith. “There seems to be even more... things appearing, your Highness.”
Arthur finally notices when the servant gestures at his bed; upon it sits a dozen pineapples. “For goodness sake,” he exclaims, throwing frustrated arms in the air. “Lord Smith.” He starts on his guest. “Do you know how to fix this?”
“Not yet.” Lord Smith looks at Merlin. “But give me till the end of today. I’ll require Merlin’s assistance, though.”
“Fine.” Arthur nods. “He’s the worst manservant in the world anyway.”
Merlin looks like he’s about to protest, but he meets Arthur’s gaze instead, and a silent message is passed between them; so when Merlin turns to leave, he has the smallest smile on his face, and Arthur actually looks amused. Lord Smith follows him, but not before turning around and staring straight at the mystery servant. They look at one another for a long second, and then Lord Smith shuts the door.
“You can take over Merlin’s chores today,” Arthur says, motioning at the servant. “I need you to polish my armour, do my laundry, clean out my horse’s stable, mend my shirts, tidy my chamber, run me a hot bath... and get those ridiculous things out of here.”
The Doctor waits until Prince Arthur leaves the room before blowing out air through his pursed lips. “What a prat.”
.pineapple.
Amy is walking through the courtyard outside when she sees it. The Lady Rose is coming from the left underneath the pillars surrounding the castle, the Doctor from the right. When they pass, words are exchanged, inaudible to Amy standing so far away. But Amy isn’t so far away that she misses the look of longing and regret on the Doctor’s face as Rose walks away from him; a look that lasts much longer than should, a look that’s familiar and sad. It’s a look Amy has very rarely seen, and she doesn’t like it.
Once again, Amy wonders why the Doctor won’t let her talk to the Lord and Lady Smith.
.pineapple.
“There are no accounts of such plagues,” Gaius says from his station at the table.
“There aren’t any spells to counter it either,” Merlin groans, opposite Gaius.
“It could be an effect of the cracked time vortex,” the Doctor is saying, more to himself than his companions as he paces round the room. “This reality isn’t even meant to exist. Magic doesn’t exist. But it does. What does this mean?” He runs his hands in frustration through his hair, making it even wilder than before.
“I... I have an idea,” Merlin suddenly says, standing up. “I’ll be back.”
“Oh no you don’t,” the Doctor orders, catching up with Merlin by the door. “I’m coming with you.”
Merlin regards Lord Smith for a long moment, before a glint of acquiescence appears in his eyes. “Okay.”
.pineapple.
Amy hears the man known as Lord John Smith pass by her and call his companion ‘Merlin’, and she can’t help but be intrigued. She knows the Doctor told her to stay out of trouble, but Merlin is a legend; he's not meant to be real, and when she follows the two men crossing the Courtyard, she can’t quite believe that this young boy - for he is more a boy than a man, with a face so young - is the infamous wizard Merlin. It can’t be the same Merlin, but Amy is beginning to learn she can’t assume anything during time travel.
Merlin is leading Lord Smith underground, and Amy follows as stealthily as possible. Thanks to their deep conversation, they do not notice her as she slips after them down several stone steps into what seems to be the dungeons.
“He’s the one I turn to when I don’t know what to do,” Merlin is explaining to Lord Smith, and they finally emerge in a large, empty cave, lit by the dimmest torches. Amy has to stay back and squint whilst Merlin yells into the darkness, “Are you there? I need your help!”
Amy wonders who he’s talking to, when in seconds, a loud battering of wings echoes around the cavern, and an enormous creature descends from above. Amy gasps out loud as she watches a dragon - a real live dragon - perch on a rock and stare at Merlin and Lord Smith.
“I have to be dreaming,” Amy whispers to herself.
“You’ve brought company, young warlock,” the dragon says in a low rumble.
“Have to be dreaming,” Amy repeats. “It bloody talks.”
“This is Lord John Smith,” Merlin introduces, glancing at the large beam on his companion’s face.
“You’re a dragon!” Lord Smith exclaims, reaching into a pocket and drawing out his glasses. Merlin watches him oddly as he places them on his nose and scrutinises the dragon with keen interest. “You’re a dragon! That’s marvellous!”
“And you are not of this world,” the dragon says, equally inspecting of Lord Smith. “Nor is that your real name.”
“How astute of you,” Lord Smith smiles.
The dragon suddenly tilts his head and says after a beat, “We are not alone. You should be more careful when visiting me, Merlin.”
Alarmed, Merlin looks around for the culprit, and Amy tries to hide herself further into the rock of the cave. However, Lord Smith seems to have a nose for detecting, and strolls right up to her hiding place. “Hello,” he says with pleased surprise when he catches sight of her.
“Hi,” Amy returns tentatively.
“It’s okay, we won’t hurt you,” Lord Smith says. “Come out.” He stretches out a hand, and Amy looks at it, hesitant. Eventually, she takes it; but when she does, she feels an odd sensation in her chest, threatening to burst out of her, and she gasps.
Lord Smith looks at her strangely, and Amy quickly pulls her hand away. “Who are you?” he asks, and she can’t tell which question he wants her to answer - what is her name, or what is her identity?
“Amy.” She opts for the former, and feels bold enough to approach closer towards Merlin and the dragon.
“This is the worst day ever,” Merlin is lamenting as he stares in shock at Amy's presence. “Gaius is going to kill me.”
.pineapple.
“Lady Rose.” Arthur bows to his guest with a polite smile. “I hope you find your chambers to your liking?”
“Very much so.” Rose puts on a posh voice for the occasion. “Have you seen the- my husband anywhere?” She shakes the pineapple she’s clutching by the head. “I found another.”
“He was with my manservant and the Court Physician not too long ago,” Arthur replies, glaring at the pineapple as though it’s the bane of his life. “They’re attempting to diagnose the problem of the... the plague.”
“Of course,” Rose nods, understanding. “Thank you, your Highness.” She curtsies, then smiles. “Hey, if you don’t mind me asking... Do you like being a prince?”
Arthur looks at Rose with some surprise, but he does not refuse her question. After a brief moment of thought, he finally answers, “My duty and my loyalty are to my kingdom and to my people. It’s not for me to like. It is my responsibility and I will take the burden with pride.”
Rose watches the fierce devotion on the Prince’s face. She would recognise that look anywhere; she sees it almost every day.
.pineapple.
The Doctor is desperate to avoid Rose. He can’t see her, can’t be near her. The pain is too much... still too much. He may be a different man, but he’s still the same man - same memories, same feelings, same genius mind. This Doctor - this old, old Doctor - knows too much to be with Rose. That life has gone, and he can’t look back. He has Amy now; dear, sweet, fiery Amy, and he loves her. He clings to that love, to her presence, because he will never have Rose again. And she’s happy, somewhere; somewhere in time and reality she is content with a part of him, and that is all that matters.
It doesn’t mean he can stop thinking about her so easily, though. She’s still the same Rose - still full of smiles and kindness, and he misses her so much. He misses her so much he doesn’t notice when he almost collides with a girl hoisting a sack of pineapples.
“So sorry!” he exclaims, screeching to a halt as he narrowly avoids collision.
“You scared me there,” the dark-skinned girl smiles, forgiving, and lets the sack sink to the floor. “These things are so heavy,” she murmurs.
“Let me,” the Doctor offers, darting forwards and grabbing the sack.
“Thanks,” the girl smiles sweetly, and gestures in the right direction. “Um, I’m Gwen. Guinevere actually, but everyone calls me Gwen.”
The Doctor looks up in surprise at the kindly face watching him. “Guinevere. Gwen!” He grins. “Aren’t you the Lady Morgana’s maid?”
“Yes.” Gwen nods and looks enquiringly at the Doctor. “I’m sorry, but I’ve never seen you before. You’re...?”
“I’m John,” the Doctor replies, flashing a disarming smile. “And I’m the new help. Where can I find the Lady Morgana’s chambers?”
.pineapple.
“The balance of the world is wrong,” the dragon says gravely to his three listeners. His tail flicks up, and Amy almost laughs out loud when she sees the pineapple it clutches between its scales. “These... pineapples, they do not belong to this world. And neither do you,” he looks at Lord Smith and Amy side by side.
“You said he’s not of this world before,” Amy says, ignoring the warning bells sounding loudly in her mind. “What do you mean?” She turns to Lord Smith with intense eyes. “Where are you from?”
Lord Smith can only look back at Amy, his stare hard and firm, unwilling to give way. Instead, the dragon answers in his stead. “He is of your world,” he says, “but he is not of the same world.”
“What?” Lord Smith’s head whips round to the dragon, and he’s frowning; he doesn’t understand. “What do you mean, my world?” He looks back at Amy again. “Who are you?”
“That’s not important right now,” Merlin interrupts, looking pleadingly at the dragon. “I need to know how to make this right.”
The dragon stares at Merlin, and eventually heaves what seemed to be a sigh. “When Uther executed a guiltless man this morning, he cursed Camelot. And when people not of our world entered Camelot, the world became unbalanced. The two happenings combined have created this ‘plague’ that Camelot is suffering. If unresolved, this world will be overwhelmed with...” The dragon looks at Lord Smith.
“Pineapples,” he complies.
“Pineapples,” the dragon agrees grimly.
.pineapple.
“There are more again, Gwen,” Morgana says worriedly when she opens the door for her maidservant. She catches sight of the man standing behind her. “Who is this?”
“This is John,” Gwen introduces, entering Morgana’s chambers. “He’s here to help with the containment of the plague.”
“My lady,” John bows, and carrying a new, empty sack, sets to work picking up the pineapples littered around the room.
“They’re multiplying so quickly,” Morgana says, sitting on her bed and looking around her helplessly. “I blink and there’s more. Has Uther sent Arthur on a manhunt yet?” she adds, asking Gwen with an evident look of distaste.
“No,” Gwen shakes her head, “the King has given Lord Smith until tomorrow morning before he sends Prince Arthur.”
“Great,” Morgana mutters, and never notices John watching her intently as he moves around the room.
.pineapple.
John Smith lets Merlin run off to Gaius about the spell the dragon gave him before rounding on Amy in the hallway. “You’re from a different world,” he states matter-of-factly.
“Yes.” Amy doesn’t see the point in denying; she isn’t a liar, and she wants to know who John Smith is, even if the Doctor doesn’t want her to.
“How did you get here?” Lord Smith demands.
“I can’t tell you,” Amy resists, staring him in the eye.
“Why?”
“Because I promised.” Amy shoves a strand of red out of her eyes. “I don’t break my promises. And I don’t forfeit people’s trust in me.”
“Amy!”
Amy jumps at the familiar tone, and in seconds the Doctor is next to her, shoving her away from Lord Smith and pulling her along.
“Don’t say anything, don’t say a single word,” the Doctor hisses quietly, before casting a quick look at the man they’re leaving behind. “Sorry my lord, I need to borrow Amy for a while.” He doesn't sound sorry at all.
The last thing Amy sees on Lord John Smith’s face before she's drawn away is disbelief.
.pineapple.
“Rose!”
Rose hears the relief in the Doctor’s voice, and in moments they’re hugging tightly. There’s no good reason for it - her life wasn’t in danger, he hadn’t just tried to sacrifice himself - but it feels right, the hug. When they draw apart, Rose grins. “So?”
“We’re going home,” the Doctor explains. “Merlin’s going to perform a spell, we’re going to leave, and everything will go back to normal.”
“No more pineapples?” Rose teases.
The Doctor laughs. “No more pineapples.”
.pineapple.
“I told you not to talk to him,” the Doctor snaps, tugging Amy along with force. “I told you!”
“I’m sorry,” Amy says, letting him pull her without resistance. “I didn’t mean to, it was an accident. I found out how to fix everything, though. You know, get rid of the pineapples.”
The Doctor pauses in his footsteps and turns around to gaze at Amy. His smile is fond as he leans forward and plants a kiss on her forehead. “Amy Pond, you really are something.”
.pineapple.
Merlin finds Lord Smith in his chambers, already back in his usual clothes. “Are you ready, sire?” he asks.
“Call me 'Doctor', Merlin,” the Doctor says with a small smile. “That’s my real name where I come from.”
Merlin gazes at the Doctor in wonderment. “So there really are other worlds out there?”
“Yep. Millions.” The Doctor adjusts his tie and flashes Merlin a grin. “...Why don’t you come with me?”
Merlin hesitates for only a second - a second that’s barely noticeable - and then he’s shaking his head. “I can’t. I have to look after my mum. And Arthur. I mean, the Prince.” He flushes in embarrassment. “He’s a pain in the arse but he needs me. The dragon says it’s something to do with destiny.”
“I understand,” the Doctor nods. “You’re needed here.”
“By the way, Doctor.” Merlin looks curious. “Who was that girl? From the cave? Amy?”
A look clouds the Doctor’s face. “I don’t know... yet.” He looks like he's about to continue, but then Rose enters the room; the Doctor is smiling again, and Amy the red-haired 'maidservant' is forgotten.
.pineapple.
“Where did I park the TARDIS?” the Doctor asks, scratching his head and looking around.
“In a bush,” Amy replies, sarcasm evident. “And you forgot to use the brakes again." She stops in her tracks and scrutinises the back of the Doctor carefully. "You're not going to tell me who the Lord and Lady Smith are, are you?”
The Doctor ignores her, choosing to swipe a pineapple lying on the ground and throw it into Amy’s arms. “C’mon, we need to hurry before Camelot’s buried in pineapples.”
“Fine then,” Amy submits to the Doctor's will, and tries hard to forget about Lord John Smith and Lady Rose Smith. “I haven’t eaten pineapple in ages. Reckon we could do all sorts with these bad boys.”
The Doctor laughs, but his focus isn’t on Amy as she overtakes him. Instead, he’s staring up at Camelot’s castle - past the turrets, past the stone walls, at the two figures framed by a window. They’re talking animatedly, a blonde girl and her taller, handsome companion, and the Doctor is about to turn away, when the man looks down, and catches sight of him. Their eyes meet for a second, and then the Doctor’s leaving to follow Amy. He doesn’t look back.
.pineapple.
“I can’t believe we went to Camelot,” Rose says as the Doctor starts up the TARDIS. “During a pineapple pandemic!” She laughs out loud at the absurdity. “My mum’s never gonna believe this.”
“Your mother,” the Doctor huffs exasperatedly, and grins when Rose reprimands his comment by whacking him lightly on the arm. “Home, Rose Tyler?” he enquires with a cheeky twinkle in his eye.
“Home,” Rose agrees with a warm smile.
Epilogue
“The plague has stopped, Father. There have been no more reports of those... things appearing in Camelot,” Arthur reports to Uther at the end of the day. “I believe Lord Smith helped find the source of the magic.”
“Excellent.” Uther looks pleased, but his face falls into a frown as he scans the throne room. “Where is Lord Smith exactly?”
“They went on their way already, sire,” Merlin pipes up from behind Arthur, standing with Gaius.
“That’s a shame,” Uther muses, “I wanted to congratulate him in person and reward him as thanks. I hope he returns to Camelot again; we need good men like him to vanquish the evil magic that still torments our land in secret.”
Merlin hides his smile as they file from the throne room. As he follows Arthur back to the Prince’s chambers, he says, “Lord Smith taught me how to cut a pineapple, sire. Would you like to try some?”
Arthur wrinkles his nose in distaste as he glances at Merlin suspiciously. “You’re not trying to poison me are you, Merlin?”
“No!” Merlin protests, indignant. “We have so many in Camelot, and we shouldn’t let them go to waste. I swear they’re not poisonous!” Arthur continues to look at his manservant sceptically. “And I don’t want to be thrown in the stocks because the pineapples will kill me!” Merlin adds.
“Fine,” Arthur acquiesces, opening the door to his chambers. “But if I eat it, you have to service me all night.” Before Merlin can complain, he’s pulled into the room by a smirking Arthur, and the door is shut tight.
The End
Rating: PG
Genre(s): gen, humour, some angst
Word Count: ~8,250
Pairing(s) / Character(s): Doctor 10 / Rose (Doctor 11 / Amy, Arthur / Merlin), Gwen, Morgana, Uther, Gaius
Warnings / Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or Doctor Who
Summary: Written for audiopineapple, prompt: to use her name to write something dedicated to her!
Prologue
“A pineapple!”
“A what?” Rose yells, running to catch up with the Doctor.
“A pineapple!” the Doctor repeats, picking the prickly fruit up from the ground and spinning around on the spot to face Rose as she jogs to a halt in front of him. He holds the pineapple out, shoving it in her face, and grins manically.
“What’s a pineapple doing in the middle of a forest?” Rose asks, looking around for any signs of vegetation besides the numerous leafy trees towering around them.
“I have no idea,” the Doctor grins. “But it’s brilliant!” He drops the pineapple into Rose’s hands, eliciting an indignant “Ow!”, and darts away. “C’mon, let’s see where we’ve crash-landed! Can’t be too far from Earth, we probably hit a stray vortex, as you do...” The Doctor’s voice begins to fade into the distance.
“Doctor!” Rose yells after him, yet unable to stop the beam edging onto her face. “Wait for me!”
.pineapple.
“A pineapple!”
“A what?” Amy yells, ducking under another large, looming branch and trying to keep up with the Doctor, who, despite claiming to be over 900 years old, is rather sprightly and energetic for his age.
“A pineapple!”
“Where?” Amy demands as she surfaces from the leafy clutches of the forest to find the Doctor staring at something in the distance. She follows his gaze, across the meadow of grass, and sees a pineapple sitting in the middle of nowhere. “Oh. A pineapple!”
“Exactly,” the Doctor affirms, nodding sagely. He strides up to the offending fruit and stares down at it in examination. Amy dashes after him.
“What’s it doing here?” she asks curiously from opposite the Doctor, their heads leaning close as they continue to scrutinise the pineapple.
“I have no idea,” the Doctor replies with some wonder and a mild frown. He looks up, observing their countryside surroundings. “But wherever this place is that we’ve crash-landed in, I’m pretty sure pineapples don’t just grow here for laughs and giggles.”
Amy stares up at the Doctor through her eyelashes and grins. “Another mystery to solve, then?”
.pineapple.
“Where are we then, Doctor?” Rose asks, fingers clutching tightly at the Doctor’s hand, the other arm wrapped tight around the pineapple as they meander across the large expanse of pasture and grassland. So far, they’ve passed by five fields of wheat, four barley, two sweet corn, fifty-odd sheep and a few herds of cattle.
“No idea,” the Doctor says honestly, looking down at Rose out of the corner of his eye and grinning. “But that’s the beauty of it.”
.pineapple.
“It’s just like Earth,” Amy comments as she hikes up yet another hill, arms full of pineapple. “Lots of grass and flowers. This planet’s even got clouds,” she adds as she tilts her head back and looks up at the sky.
“By all appearances, it is Earth,” the Doctor agrees from a few paces in front, leading the way. “Only humans would invent scarecrows. Genius.” He gestures at a lone straw man perched in the centre of a field of crops, and Amy laughs as she looks at his raggedy form.
“I used to draw you like a scarecrow. I never had any talent for art,” she admits, quietly grudging about telling her childhood fantasies, yet watching the scarecrow with fondness. The Doctor pauses in his footsteps and glances at her thoughtfully. Rather than turning a sad eye back on the scarecrow, after a brief beat of silence, he continues onwards.
.pineapple.
“Ahoy!” The Doctor exclaims as they brush out of foliage into a clearing. He lifts a flat hand to his eyes to shield them from the mid-afternoon sun setting the entire scenery alight.
Rose sees it too. “It’s beautiful,” she murmurs, staring into the distance with an awed smile, and her hand tightens. “Where are we?”
“Who knows?” the Doctor replies, still grinning, then pulls Rose along. “Let’s explore!”
.pineapple.
“Doctor!” Amy shouts, having darted ahead (and relieved herself of the pineapple), and waves frantically. “I think we’re here!”
“Where is ‘here’?” the Doctor asks with unconcealed doubt and wonder in his voice as he hurries to join Amy, pineapple in tow.
“I don’t know,” Amy breathes excitedly as she watches the Doctor soak in the picture of the city rising in the distance, a magnificent castle spouting proudly from the centre. “But it’s brilliant.”
.pineapple.
“They look human,” Rose murmurs to the Doctor as they wander into the town, side by side.
The Doctor makes a noncommittal grunt and gazes intently around at the people bustling by. “Excuse me, sir.” He suddenly jerks to a stop, startling Rose (who almost drops the pineapple) and stopping a passer-by. “My travelling companion and I are lost. Where are we exactly?”
The man gives the Doctor a strange look, but answers nonetheless. “This is the city of Camelot. If you come from lands afar,” he glances suspiciously at the Doctor’s and Rose’s attire, “you should seek counsel with the King. He will offer you guidance and protection.” Dipping his head politely to signal the end of the conversation, the man goes on his way.
“Oh my God.” Rose looks up at the Doctor. “We’re in-”
.pineapple.
“Camelot?!” Amy exclaims.
“Hush!” the Doctor scolds, putting a finger to his lips and glaring at Amy as several people walk past, looking at them oddly.
“This is ridiculous,” Amy powers on, ignoring the Doctor. “There’s no such place as Camelot! It’s a myth - a fairytale.” She gives the Doctor a pointed a look. “Or is it?”
“It is, it is,” the Doctor says, shaking his head, bewildered.
“Maybe we’re in a dream. Maybe I’m dreaming?” Amy offers unhelpfully, looking around in awe at their very real surroundings; the stone buildings, the people dressed in dull colours save for the odd speck of red or blue.
“Don’t be silly,” the Doctor reprimands, then shoves the pineapple into Amy’s arms again, causing her to splutter and protest. “We need to find out more.”
.pineapple.
“This isn’t possible,” the Doctor hisses into Rose’s ear as he steers her through the milling crowds. “Camelot never existed; it’s fictional, passed down from generation to generation of storytellers. It’s like the story of Little Red Riding Hood - you don’t want to know how that really started.” The Doctor shakes his head disapprovingly, but before Rose can interrupt, goes on, “But this world, it’s real, real as Earth...”
“Something’s happening,” Rose points out, attention distracted by the direction the crowd is surging towards. She holds the pineapple tighter as they are jostled towards the centre of the horde of people, which is circling a raised platform.
A dangerous, fearful quiet falls across the square as horns begin to blow and the sound of drums start. Rose’s side presses against the Doctor’s, and she feels his hand clench tighter.
They all watch as two armour-clad knights bring out what looks to be an ordinary-looking peasant man between them. Above them on a balcony stands another man, also flanked by two knights, though they are far from restraining him; he is older, regally dressed in leather and red cape, and he wears a crown on his head.
“Is that-” Rose begins, but is shushed by a look from the Doctor.
As the peasant is forced to kneel at a block of wood on the centre of the stage, the one everyone is looking at in fear begins to speak.
“This man, Peter Anderson, is judged guilty of conspiring to use enchantments and magic against the people of Camelot,” he says, calm yet threatening. “And pursuant of the laws of Camelot, I, Uther Pendragon, have decreed that such practices are banned on penalty of death.”
.pineapple.
“Magic?” Amy frowns, watching the scene unfold with evident scepticism. “There’s no such thing as magic. What a load of nonsense.”
Before she can continue, however, a resounding thump echoes across the hushed square, and Amy has a hand held to her mouth, eyes wide with horror. Someone screams but she barely hears its piercing shrill as a human head rolls to the ground.
“Doctor.” Amy tries to stifle her gasps as she searches blindly with her free hand. “Doctor.”
A hand clasps onto hers, tight and secure, and the Doctor draws Amy against him in a hug, pineapple crushed between them. “Hush, it’s okay,” he says in soothing tones as he rubs her back with his other hand, an unforgiving eye forever fixed on the red-caped figure on the balcony, watching events unfold with cool neutrality.
.pineapple.
“What was that?” Rose gasps, angry, tearful and disbelieving all in one as the Doctor leads her away quickly. Her throat is a tad sore from her shocked scream as the axe had fallen. “I can’t- I can’t believe-”
“The legends never spoke of forbidden magic. In fact, magic shouldn’t exist at all,” the Doctor mutters to himself over Rose, a dark look cast on his face. “This is Earth, but something’s gone wrong. This isn’t the past, but it isn’t the future either.”
The Doctor would’ve continued, but then a boy runs right into them, bowling an unsuspecting Rose over. She goes down with a scream, hand ripped from the Doctor’s grasp, in a heap of blonde hair, lanky limbs, and pineapple.
“Rose!” The Doctor starts forwards and pulls her up from the wreckage. “Are you okay?”
“Fine, I’m fine,” Rose replies breathlessly, hands patting at her askew hair and clothes. The boy who had run her over looks worse off; his short dark hair is wild like a horse’s, and his ears are truly a sight to see.
“Sorry, I’m really sorry,” he’s saying, brushing himself down and scrambling up. “Ow!” he then yells in surprised pain, hand coming in contact with a pineapple spike. “What is that?”
“Mine,” is the Doctor’s reply, swiping the pineapple after the boy’s picked it up. “It’s called a pineapple. It’s a fruit.” He looks at the boy with interest. “Who are you, then, and what’s the big rush?”
“Er.” The boy looks caught off guard as the Doctor and Rose wait expectantly for an answer. “I... If that’s a fruit, then I don’t want to be put in the stocks anymore,” is what he finally says, gesturing at the pineapple.
The Doctor bursts into a great big smile as Rose looks confused. “Stocks?” she echoes, disbelieving. “You’re not being serious? They still put you in those things?”
“And executing people too,” the Doctor adds, and suddenly, the boy’s expression mirrors the dark look in the Doctor’s eyes.
“That’s why I was in such a rush,” the boy adds, looking beyond the Doctor’s and Roses’ shoulders at the dispersing crowd.
“To watch an execution?” Rose looks sick.
“No, no!” The boy is frantic, desperately protesting with a flail of arms and hands. “I just... never mind. I’m Merlin.” He sticks out a hand and beams friendlily. “Sorry about before.”
Rose bursts out laughing. “You’re kidding, right?”
The Doctor tilts his head with interest and watches the growing puzzlement on Merlin’s face.
The smile falls from Rose’s face.
“Oh.”
.pineapple.
“I can’t believe I just watched someone’s head being chopped off.”
“You’ll be fine,” the Doctor says breezily, tugging Amy and the pineapple along. “We need to get to the end of this... this place, the magic, everything. I can’t have you comatose because of a mere decapitation.”
“Doctor!” Amy exclaims, indignant.
“Yep, that’s my name, and here we are!” Amy gives a surprised shriek as she collides into the Doctor’s back.
“Where are we?” Amy asks once she’s regained her balance and is looking around curiously. They’re standing next to a stretch of green grass, in which there are several men clad in armour with- “Are those swords?”
“Correct, Amy Pond!” The Doctor nods, leaning over the wooden fence and watching what appears to be a sword practice unfold.
Perching the pineapple on one of the stubs of the fence, Amy drapes her arms over the wood beside the Doctor. “So what are we doing here?” she asks, eyes fixated on the smooth movements of the muscular, fit men in front of her. “Besides checking out the knights of Camelot... Hm-hm.”
The Doctor doesn’t hear the latter, as usual obtuse to all statements even vaguely flirtatious. “That over there,” he replies, pointing at a particular blonde-haired young man who looks rather handsome even from such a distance, “is the once and future King... Arthur Pendragon.”
The Pineapple Pandemic
for audiopineapple
“Merlin, you’re late,” Arthur states the obvious as Merlin skids to a graceless halt in front of him.
“Sorry,” Merlin apologises, not for the first time of the day. “I ran into these people-”
“Save the shoddy excuses,” Arthur interrupts, brushing him off and shoving his sword into Merlin’s hands. “Training’s over.”
Merlin can only watch quietly as Arthur stalks past him and towards the castle. He heaves a sigh and starts after his liege, but at a slower pace, sword almost dragging in the dirt. Both he and Arthur aren’t exactly feeling benevolent right now, what with the execution this morning of a man who was most likely innocent; a man yet another victim of Uther’s irrational fear of magic; one of Merlin’s kind who Merlin had, again, failed to save, and watched helplessly as the life was torn from him.
Merlin had wanted to save Peter Whatisname for more than just because of his compassionate soul, though. The Great Dragon had mentioned to him in passing that should he let Peter die, a terrible curse would befall Camelot. Merlin had tried to plead with Arthur to stand up to his father, but Peter was just another peasant, with no important connections and no valuable purpose in life, and Merlin hadn’t reached the execution in time this morning, what with the excessive amount of chores Arthur continues to dole out daily without a shred of mercy.
Not that that would have made a great deal of difference. Merlin wouldn’t have been able to stop the execution; that would’ve meant revealing his magic, and it isn’t time yet. (When though? his mind whispers.)
Needless to say, by the time Arthur and Merlin reach the Prince’s chambers, neither of them are in an agreeable mood.
“MERLIN!” Arthur roars, leg half-raised and about to plunge into the bathtub. “Why is there a PRICKLY PLANT in my BATH, you IDIOT!”
And that is when Merlin learns to truly fear the fruit known as the pineapple.
“That’s... a pineapple,” Merlin replies unsurely as he moves with obvious hesitation towards Arthur, who is holding up a familiar, wet object.
“A what?” Arthur looks at Merlin as though he’s not only an idiot, but an idiot with two heads.
“A pineapple, sire,” Merlin repeats with more conviction. “It’s a fruit.”
Arthur looks at the pineapple again - appraises it - then sets his gaze firmly on Merlin. “Are you sure you’re not really mentally afflicted?” he deadpans in all seriousness. “Stop being an idiot and change the water!”
Merlin emits a less-than-masculine squawk and dodges a flying pineapple aimed for his head.
.pineapple.
“Another one?” Merlin groans, and sinks into a well-placed chair. “This is a nightmare, Gwen.”
Gwen looks upon Merlin sympathetically. “It was in the Lady Morgana’s bed. She screamed so loud I heard her down the corridor. For a moment I thought she was in real danger.” She clasps her heart with an embarrassed smile.
“Where are they coming from?” Merlin shakes his head and stands up, gesturing for Gwen to show him the way. They leave Gaius’ chambers and head to Morgana’s room. “If it’s a practical joke, it’s really well done. Nah, it’s more like... Oh no.” He smacks his head with the butt of his palm and groans again. “Uther’s going to go on a witch-hunt again because there’ll be no explanation for this, and he’ll definitely blame this on magic.”
Gwen glances up at Merlin. “How do you know it’s not magic, though?” she asks.
Merlin looks Gwen square in the face. “What sorcerer would conjure these spiky things to appear all over the castle? That’s hardly ‘striking at the heart of Camelot’.”
.pineapple.
“It is without a doubt a sorceror attempting to strike at the very heart of Camelot.”
Merlin stifles a choking groan and lets his sceptical face, directed at Gwen, who can’t help but smile, say it all.
“I do believe I can be of service,” a voice suddenly rings clear in the grand hall, and everyone turns around to see a man dressed in odd navy attire and the wildest brown hair that Arthur immediately compares to Merlin’s (except it’s even spikier, and Arthur’s just a bit impressed). Beside him stands a blonde-haired girl, also oddly dressed in tight-fitting and rather revealing clothes.
Somewhere, at the back of the room, Amy hears the Doctor mutter, “Oh bugger.”
.pineapple.
“And you are?” Uther asks the stranger, standing to take a good visual examination of him and his female companion, who is holding the offending object that is plaguing his kingdom. To his left and right, Arthur and Morgana exchange looks, and Merlin nudges Gaius.
“I bumped into them yesterday,” he whispers, “just after the execution.”
Gaius raises a wordless eyebrow at his apprentice.
“I’m John Smith,” ‘John Smith’ says genially, and waves a small piece of paper around. With a flick of Uther’s hand, Sir Leon takes it and passes it to his King. “And this is Rose.”
“You are a Lord of the land of Tardis?” Uther asks, scrutinising the paper with a hard eye. “And your lady friend?”
“Wife,” the blonde-haired girl says, speaking for the first time.
“Well-” John starts.
“I’m his wife,” Rose repeats, speaking over John and ignoring his subtle glare. She sends Uther a large smile. “I’m Lady Rose Smith. It’s a pleasure, your Highness.”
“And what is your business here in Camelot, Lord Smith?” Uther asks, sending the piece of paper back to John via Leon. “You say you can be of service in ridding us of this plague that has infiltrated the walls of our city?”
“We are but humble travellers passing by, seeking a few nights’ rest here,” John answers, turning away from his wife. “And yes, we can be of help regarding this... epidemic.”
Beside him, Rose smothers a smirk.
“You can tell us the origin of this enchantment?” Uther demands.
“No, not quite,” John replies slowly, “but we can track it down for you.” Rose elbows him delicately in the ribs. “My lord.”
At the back of the room, Amy hears the Doctor repeat, “Bugger bugger!”
.pineapple.
“So you’re Merlin?”
Merlin turns to smile at the Lady Rose. “Yes. I’m really sorry again about yesterday, my Lady. I’m really grateful that you didn’t mention it to the King. He would’ve put me in the stocks again, for bowling a Lord and Lady over. And with those... pineapples appearing everywhere, I don’t want to be anywhere near the stocks right now.” He gives a half grimace, half grin, eliciting an amused laugh from Rose.
“So, Merlin.” It's the Lord Smith’s turn to speak, and Merlin finds himself meeting a friendly face, though the eyes set in it are dark and intense. “Magic. It’s forbidden in Camelot?”
Merlin holds eye contact for a moment longer, before breaking away and focusing on the corridor he’s leading the couple down. “Yes,” is his short answer.
“And the King thinks this... pineapple pandemic,” for some reason, the Lady Rose gives a snort of laughter at this, “is the work of a sorceror.”
“Yes,” Merlin repeats. “That’s what he always thinks when he can’t find a reason for the weird things that happen around here.”
“And lots of ‘weird’ things happen around here a lot then?”
Merlin shifts uncomfortably under the weight of scrutiny he knows he (or rather, his back) is being put under. “Yeah, I guess,” he says as calmly as possible. “You can’t stop magic; it’s always there.”
If Merlin hadn’t been straining to hear, he would not have caught Rose hissing, “It’s real, Doctor?”
“Your chambers, then.” Merlin is both relieved and disappointed when they reach the guest bedroom, and opens the door for the Lord and Lady. “I hope you enjoy your stay with us here in Camelot.”
“If we need you again, Merlin, how do we find you?” Lord Smith asks before Merlin can make his escape. The Lady Rose, meanwhile, has put her pineapple down on the table and is busy inspecting the bedroom with evident interest.
“I’m Prince Arthur’s manservant,” Merlin answers with an apologetic smile, “and most of the time I attend to him only. If you need anything, there will be many menservants and maids should you need anything.”
Once Lord Smith gives his nod of understanding, Merlin shuts the door, but not before hearing the Lady Rose say, “Did he just say Prince Arthur?”
.pineapple.
“Who was that?” Amy demands as she dashes after the Doctor, who is pacing quickly down yet another corridor. “They were wearing normal clothes. As in normal clothes. She was wearing jeans! And Lord of the Tardis? Was that some sort of joke? Is he another Time Lord? Is she a Time Lady?”
“I’m the last one,” the Doctor snaps, not sparing his companion a glance as he fiddles with his sonic screwdriver. “C’mon, c’mon!” he yells at it in frustration.
“Doctor!” Amy glares impatiently. He’s not answering her questions again, and she doesn’t like it; she trusts him, but she doesn’t like it.
“Shut up, Amy,” the Doctor orders, then bolts to a stop, causing Amy to crash into him, not for the first time today. He spins around to face her. “I’m going to find... John Smith. You need to get changed into something more... Camelotey, and stay out of the way. Don’t talk to anyone, don’t tell anyone anything about who you are, or about me. Most importantly, do not talk to John Smith and Ro- his wife if you see them. Walk in the opposite direction, got it?”
Amy nods, uncertain and confused.
“Good. Right. I’ll see you later then. Stay out of trouble, do you hear me, young lady?” He begins to walk away after one last pointed look, but swerves back again to snatch the pineapple from Amy’s hands. “I’ll take that.” Then the Doctor darts off, and is gone in seconds.
Amy huffs to herself. “Damn it!"
.pineapple.
“I need to find Merlin,” the Doctor mutters, pacing around the bedroom. “I need to talk to him. If the legends are true, then he’s a wizard. And he’s a wizard living in Camelot... where magic is forbidden.”
Rose watches the Doctor from the bed, having changed into a regal dress made of silk. “Let’s go then,” she says, sitting up.
“No,” the Doctor shakes his head. “I need you to talk to everyone else - the maids, the stable boys, everyone. Find out everything about the King and the Crown, find out why magic’s forbidden.”
“Right.” Rose jumps off the bed and smooths down her dress. The Doctor smiles at her and makes for the door, but Rose stops him when she adds, “By the way, darling, you look rather dashing in medieval clothes.”
The Doctor’s grin widens, and goes to Rose, pulling her hand to his mouth and pressing a soft kiss to its back. “Thank you, my lady,” he murmurs, and then he’s gone.
Rose goes to the mirror and regards herself for a moment, before sweeping towards the door to begin her own adventure. Only, when she opens it, she is met by a man with wild brown hair (rather like the Doctor’s actually) dressed in plain clothing, clutching a pineapple.
“Um,” Rose says.
“Rose!” the man exclaims, before his face falls in panic and his eyes widen even more. “I mean, my lady!”
.pineapple.
Arthur is in a foul mood. He’s found yet another ‘pineapple’ in his chambers, this time on his windowsill like an ominous omen, and Merlin is nowhere to be seen. He’s storming down the corridors, towards Gaius’ room, ready to drag his lazy, good-for-nothing manservant back to do his job, when he rounds a corner and smashes into someone.
“Watch where you’re going!” Arthur snaps angrily at the red-haired maidservant who is regaining her balance. She glances up, looking as though to retort back in her own heated manner, before her eyes fix on Arthur’s face, and she falters.
“I’m sorry... sir. I mean, sire.” She dips her head in deference, and in the back of Arthur’s mind, he notes her pretty features and attractive head of red hair, but at the moment he has more important things to deal with - such as his useless manservant.
“Have you seen Merlin?” Arthur asks instead, a little bewildered that this maid is so tall that she’s practically eye-level with him, but ignores this and focuses on the fact he is the Crown Prince.
“Merlin?” the girl stutters with wide eyes. “Er. No. No, I haven’t seen... Merlin.”
“Great,” Arthur says through gritted teeth, then waves his hand and walks away briskly. “You’re dismissed.”
.pineapple.
Merlin and Gaius are flipping through books about magic when the knock on the door sounds. Being closer, Gaius stands to get it.
“Hello,” the man says in greeting with a wide smile, “is Merlin here?”
“Yes, my lord,” Gaius nods, watching John Smith carefully as he enters the room and catches sight of Merlin.
“My lord?” Merlin asks, snapping his book shut and standing.
“I was wondering how your research on this pineapple pandemic is progressing,” Lord Smith enquires.
“Not well, sire,” Gaius answers gravely, reclaiming his seat. “I have never heard about or seen this pineapple before in all my life.” He gestures at a few pineapples sitting innocently on the table. “I would not know it had Merlin not explained to me its name and value, which I believe he learned from you. How do you know of it?”
“It’s an exotic fruit; it comes from distant lands, where I’m from,” Lord Smith replies, though there is a twinkle of amusement in his eyes.
“I don’t see how it’s a fruit,” Merlin comments, gazing at the pineapples sceptically. “You can’t eat that.”
“The pineapple has a prickly exterior for a skin,” Lord Smith explains patiently, tapping one. “But inside its flesh is sweet. It’s quite a treat.” He looks at the pineapples thoughtfully, before turning to Merlin. “So. You can do magic.”
“Excuse me?” Gaius says whilst Merlin gapes. “Sire, you must be mistaken, Merlin-”
“Don’t worry,” Lord Smith insists, advancing on a surprised Merlin and placing a hand on his shoulder to squeeze reassuringly. “I’m a friend. I know nothing of magic but I understand King Uther has forbidden it. I need to know why. I need to know everything about magic in Camelot if I am to help you get rid of the pineapples.”
.pineapple.
“What’s the matter?” Rose asks, gazing strangely at who she assumes is a regular manservant at her door. “Is everything okay?”
The man blinks, before blurting out, “Everything’s fine, my lady. Sorry, my lady.”
“Call me Rose,” Rose says with a wave of her hand, “I hate being called ‘my lady’.”
“I know,” the man replies. “I mean, yes. All right. Rose.”
“What’s your name?” Rose asks, thinking about how the Doctor had asked her to investigate the ‘common people’ as she shuts the door and leads them away from the room.
“...John.” The servant smiles nervously at Rose.
“That’s my husband’s name too!” Rose looks at John appraisingly. “You kinda look like him as well.” John laughs, a nice ringing sound, and Rose grins. “So... this... plague. When did it start? And why are you holding a pine- I mean, that thing?”
“I’m not sure. I’m new. Arrived this morning actually, don’t know what I’m doing. At all,” John replies, waving his hands about animatedly in a way that reminds Rose of the Doctor. In fact, there’s something very familiar about John... but she just can’t put her finger on what it is.
.pineapple.
The Doctor sits back and scrutinises the young boy in front of him with a blank, expressionless face. “It’s tiring, isn’t it? Saving the day over and over again, and you never get your just rewards.”
Before Merlin can reply (he has just spent the last hour telling this strange man everything he’s ever accomplished against Camelot’s law when he’s never told anyone else beyond Gaius), the door slams open and a blonde-haired man frames the doorway with a definite angry visage.
“Merlin!” he barks, glaring across the room, past the Doctor and Gaius. “Where have you been, you idiot? There’s another one! Another one of those things on my windowsill.”
The Doctor leaps to his feet, once again before Merlin can respond. “Well, what are you waiting for?” He grins at Merlin. “Let’s go!”
.pineapple.
“Hey!”
Amy freezes and turns around to see a blonde-haired girl - or woman, she looks too young to be married, Amy thinks (but then again she herself is only twenty-one and she's marrying Rory tomorrow) - descending on her fast before she can make a quick escape. She groans inwardly when she recognises her as the Lady Rose - whom the Doctor had specifically told her not to speak to. Great.
“My lady?” Amy tries hesitantly, unsure of how she should respond.
“I was er... looking for a maid. Like you.” The Lady Rose smiles friendlily at Amy and touches her arm. “What’s your name?”
“Um.” Amy panics. “Amy.”
“Are you Scottish, Amy?” the Lady Rose asks, already pulling Amy along by her side, still smiling.
“Yes.” Amy looks down at Rose - for she is quite a lot smaller than her - and knows she shouldn’t because the Doctor said no, but she does it anyway, because she’s Amy, and she will not be kept in the dark. “Where are you from? Your clothes... I saw them, they’re... different. I’ve never seen clothes like that before.”
“Oh.” For a moment, Amy thinks she sees a flicker of anxiety in Rose’s eyes. “My home is far, far away. We have a totally different culture there.” She pauses, then looks at Amy, scrutinising. “So there is a Scotland here?”
Amy realises her mistake, and at the same time learns something new and vitally important. “Of course, my lady,” she says through a mask of innocence. “We’re in England.” God we had better be in England right now. A warped England but England nonetheless. “You speak like an Englishwoman,” Amy remarks a little boldly. Rose even sounds a little cockney. “Are you sure you’re that far away from home?”
The Lady Rose stops, and Amy has to twist herself to come to a halt in front of her. She meets Rose’s intent stare and refuses to break eye contact.
“I’m sure,” Rose finally says, voice cold and firm. “...You’re dismissed.”
Amy watches as the Lady walks away. She’s about to turn a corner, when Amy bursts out with, “Didn’t you want me for something? My lady?”
Rose glances back. “You don’t have anything that I’m looking for,” she replies with a little less ice in her tone of voice, and turns the corner.
.pineapple.
“I turned my back,” Arthur is explaining as Merlin and Lord Smith traipse after him, “and when I turn around again, there’s that thing on my windowsill.”
“Spooky,” Lord Smith chirps rather too cheerfully, earning an odd look from the Prince. This is wiped off, though, when Arthur opens his door to find a servant in his chambers, clutching the offending pineapple and pointing a stick at it.
“Who are you?” Arthur demands as the man pockets his stick quickly and looks up, a picture of innocence.
“Nobody,” the man answers. “I was just... cleaning your room. Sire.” His eyes slip from Arthur’s face to Merlin’s, and finally lands on Lord Smith. “There seems to be even more... things appearing, your Highness.”
Arthur finally notices when the servant gestures at his bed; upon it sits a dozen pineapples. “For goodness sake,” he exclaims, throwing frustrated arms in the air. “Lord Smith.” He starts on his guest. “Do you know how to fix this?”
“Not yet.” Lord Smith looks at Merlin. “But give me till the end of today. I’ll require Merlin’s assistance, though.”
“Fine.” Arthur nods. “He’s the worst manservant in the world anyway.”
Merlin looks like he’s about to protest, but he meets Arthur’s gaze instead, and a silent message is passed between them; so when Merlin turns to leave, he has the smallest smile on his face, and Arthur actually looks amused. Lord Smith follows him, but not before turning around and staring straight at the mystery servant. They look at one another for a long second, and then Lord Smith shuts the door.
“You can take over Merlin’s chores today,” Arthur says, motioning at the servant. “I need you to polish my armour, do my laundry, clean out my horse’s stable, mend my shirts, tidy my chamber, run me a hot bath... and get those ridiculous things out of here.”
The Doctor waits until Prince Arthur leaves the room before blowing out air through his pursed lips. “What a prat.”
.pineapple.
Amy is walking through the courtyard outside when she sees it. The Lady Rose is coming from the left underneath the pillars surrounding the castle, the Doctor from the right. When they pass, words are exchanged, inaudible to Amy standing so far away. But Amy isn’t so far away that she misses the look of longing and regret on the Doctor’s face as Rose walks away from him; a look that lasts much longer than should, a look that’s familiar and sad. It’s a look Amy has very rarely seen, and she doesn’t like it.
Once again, Amy wonders why the Doctor won’t let her talk to the Lord and Lady Smith.
.pineapple.
“There are no accounts of such plagues,” Gaius says from his station at the table.
“There aren’t any spells to counter it either,” Merlin groans, opposite Gaius.
“It could be an effect of the cracked time vortex,” the Doctor is saying, more to himself than his companions as he paces round the room. “This reality isn’t even meant to exist. Magic doesn’t exist. But it does. What does this mean?” He runs his hands in frustration through his hair, making it even wilder than before.
“I... I have an idea,” Merlin suddenly says, standing up. “I’ll be back.”
“Oh no you don’t,” the Doctor orders, catching up with Merlin by the door. “I’m coming with you.”
Merlin regards Lord Smith for a long moment, before a glint of acquiescence appears in his eyes. “Okay.”
.pineapple.
Amy hears the man known as Lord John Smith pass by her and call his companion ‘Merlin’, and she can’t help but be intrigued. She knows the Doctor told her to stay out of trouble, but Merlin is a legend; he's not meant to be real, and when she follows the two men crossing the Courtyard, she can’t quite believe that this young boy - for he is more a boy than a man, with a face so young - is the infamous wizard Merlin. It can’t be the same Merlin, but Amy is beginning to learn she can’t assume anything during time travel.
Merlin is leading Lord Smith underground, and Amy follows as stealthily as possible. Thanks to their deep conversation, they do not notice her as she slips after them down several stone steps into what seems to be the dungeons.
“He’s the one I turn to when I don’t know what to do,” Merlin is explaining to Lord Smith, and they finally emerge in a large, empty cave, lit by the dimmest torches. Amy has to stay back and squint whilst Merlin yells into the darkness, “Are you there? I need your help!”
Amy wonders who he’s talking to, when in seconds, a loud battering of wings echoes around the cavern, and an enormous creature descends from above. Amy gasps out loud as she watches a dragon - a real live dragon - perch on a rock and stare at Merlin and Lord Smith.
“I have to be dreaming,” Amy whispers to herself.
“You’ve brought company, young warlock,” the dragon says in a low rumble.
“Have to be dreaming,” Amy repeats. “It bloody talks.”
“This is Lord John Smith,” Merlin introduces, glancing at the large beam on his companion’s face.
“You’re a dragon!” Lord Smith exclaims, reaching into a pocket and drawing out his glasses. Merlin watches him oddly as he places them on his nose and scrutinises the dragon with keen interest. “You’re a dragon! That’s marvellous!”
“And you are not of this world,” the dragon says, equally inspecting of Lord Smith. “Nor is that your real name.”
“How astute of you,” Lord Smith smiles.
The dragon suddenly tilts his head and says after a beat, “We are not alone. You should be more careful when visiting me, Merlin.”
Alarmed, Merlin looks around for the culprit, and Amy tries to hide herself further into the rock of the cave. However, Lord Smith seems to have a nose for detecting, and strolls right up to her hiding place. “Hello,” he says with pleased surprise when he catches sight of her.
“Hi,” Amy returns tentatively.
“It’s okay, we won’t hurt you,” Lord Smith says. “Come out.” He stretches out a hand, and Amy looks at it, hesitant. Eventually, she takes it; but when she does, she feels an odd sensation in her chest, threatening to burst out of her, and she gasps.
Lord Smith looks at her strangely, and Amy quickly pulls her hand away. “Who are you?” he asks, and she can’t tell which question he wants her to answer - what is her name, or what is her identity?
“Amy.” She opts for the former, and feels bold enough to approach closer towards Merlin and the dragon.
“This is the worst day ever,” Merlin is lamenting as he stares in shock at Amy's presence. “Gaius is going to kill me.”
.pineapple.
“Lady Rose.” Arthur bows to his guest with a polite smile. “I hope you find your chambers to your liking?”
“Very much so.” Rose puts on a posh voice for the occasion. “Have you seen the- my husband anywhere?” She shakes the pineapple she’s clutching by the head. “I found another.”
“He was with my manservant and the Court Physician not too long ago,” Arthur replies, glaring at the pineapple as though it’s the bane of his life. “They’re attempting to diagnose the problem of the... the plague.”
“Of course,” Rose nods, understanding. “Thank you, your Highness.” She curtsies, then smiles. “Hey, if you don’t mind me asking... Do you like being a prince?”
Arthur looks at Rose with some surprise, but he does not refuse her question. After a brief moment of thought, he finally answers, “My duty and my loyalty are to my kingdom and to my people. It’s not for me to like. It is my responsibility and I will take the burden with pride.”
Rose watches the fierce devotion on the Prince’s face. She would recognise that look anywhere; she sees it almost every day.
.pineapple.
The Doctor is desperate to avoid Rose. He can’t see her, can’t be near her. The pain is too much... still too much. He may be a different man, but he’s still the same man - same memories, same feelings, same genius mind. This Doctor - this old, old Doctor - knows too much to be with Rose. That life has gone, and he can’t look back. He has Amy now; dear, sweet, fiery Amy, and he loves her. He clings to that love, to her presence, because he will never have Rose again. And she’s happy, somewhere; somewhere in time and reality she is content with a part of him, and that is all that matters.
It doesn’t mean he can stop thinking about her so easily, though. She’s still the same Rose - still full of smiles and kindness, and he misses her so much. He misses her so much he doesn’t notice when he almost collides with a girl hoisting a sack of pineapples.
“So sorry!” he exclaims, screeching to a halt as he narrowly avoids collision.
“You scared me there,” the dark-skinned girl smiles, forgiving, and lets the sack sink to the floor. “These things are so heavy,” she murmurs.
“Let me,” the Doctor offers, darting forwards and grabbing the sack.
“Thanks,” the girl smiles sweetly, and gestures in the right direction. “Um, I’m Gwen. Guinevere actually, but everyone calls me Gwen.”
The Doctor looks up in surprise at the kindly face watching him. “Guinevere. Gwen!” He grins. “Aren’t you the Lady Morgana’s maid?”
“Yes.” Gwen nods and looks enquiringly at the Doctor. “I’m sorry, but I’ve never seen you before. You’re...?”
“I’m John,” the Doctor replies, flashing a disarming smile. “And I’m the new help. Where can I find the Lady Morgana’s chambers?”
.pineapple.
“The balance of the world is wrong,” the dragon says gravely to his three listeners. His tail flicks up, and Amy almost laughs out loud when she sees the pineapple it clutches between its scales. “These... pineapples, they do not belong to this world. And neither do you,” he looks at Lord Smith and Amy side by side.
“You said he’s not of this world before,” Amy says, ignoring the warning bells sounding loudly in her mind. “What do you mean?” She turns to Lord Smith with intense eyes. “Where are you from?”
Lord Smith can only look back at Amy, his stare hard and firm, unwilling to give way. Instead, the dragon answers in his stead. “He is of your world,” he says, “but he is not of the same world.”
“What?” Lord Smith’s head whips round to the dragon, and he’s frowning; he doesn’t understand. “What do you mean, my world?” He looks back at Amy again. “Who are you?”
“That’s not important right now,” Merlin interrupts, looking pleadingly at the dragon. “I need to know how to make this right.”
The dragon stares at Merlin, and eventually heaves what seemed to be a sigh. “When Uther executed a guiltless man this morning, he cursed Camelot. And when people not of our world entered Camelot, the world became unbalanced. The two happenings combined have created this ‘plague’ that Camelot is suffering. If unresolved, this world will be overwhelmed with...” The dragon looks at Lord Smith.
“Pineapples,” he complies.
“Pineapples,” the dragon agrees grimly.
.pineapple.
“There are more again, Gwen,” Morgana says worriedly when she opens the door for her maidservant. She catches sight of the man standing behind her. “Who is this?”
“This is John,” Gwen introduces, entering Morgana’s chambers. “He’s here to help with the containment of the plague.”
“My lady,” John bows, and carrying a new, empty sack, sets to work picking up the pineapples littered around the room.
“They’re multiplying so quickly,” Morgana says, sitting on her bed and looking around her helplessly. “I blink and there’s more. Has Uther sent Arthur on a manhunt yet?” she adds, asking Gwen with an evident look of distaste.
“No,” Gwen shakes her head, “the King has given Lord Smith until tomorrow morning before he sends Prince Arthur.”
“Great,” Morgana mutters, and never notices John watching her intently as he moves around the room.
.pineapple.
John Smith lets Merlin run off to Gaius about the spell the dragon gave him before rounding on Amy in the hallway. “You’re from a different world,” he states matter-of-factly.
“Yes.” Amy doesn’t see the point in denying; she isn’t a liar, and she wants to know who John Smith is, even if the Doctor doesn’t want her to.
“How did you get here?” Lord Smith demands.
“I can’t tell you,” Amy resists, staring him in the eye.
“Why?”
“Because I promised.” Amy shoves a strand of red out of her eyes. “I don’t break my promises. And I don’t forfeit people’s trust in me.”
“Amy!”
Amy jumps at the familiar tone, and in seconds the Doctor is next to her, shoving her away from Lord Smith and pulling her along.
“Don’t say anything, don’t say a single word,” the Doctor hisses quietly, before casting a quick look at the man they’re leaving behind. “Sorry my lord, I need to borrow Amy for a while.” He doesn't sound sorry at all.
The last thing Amy sees on Lord John Smith’s face before she's drawn away is disbelief.
.pineapple.
“Rose!”
Rose hears the relief in the Doctor’s voice, and in moments they’re hugging tightly. There’s no good reason for it - her life wasn’t in danger, he hadn’t just tried to sacrifice himself - but it feels right, the hug. When they draw apart, Rose grins. “So?”
“We’re going home,” the Doctor explains. “Merlin’s going to perform a spell, we’re going to leave, and everything will go back to normal.”
“No more pineapples?” Rose teases.
The Doctor laughs. “No more pineapples.”
.pineapple.
“I told you not to talk to him,” the Doctor snaps, tugging Amy along with force. “I told you!”
“I’m sorry,” Amy says, letting him pull her without resistance. “I didn’t mean to, it was an accident. I found out how to fix everything, though. You know, get rid of the pineapples.”
The Doctor pauses in his footsteps and turns around to gaze at Amy. His smile is fond as he leans forward and plants a kiss on her forehead. “Amy Pond, you really are something.”
.pineapple.
Merlin finds Lord Smith in his chambers, already back in his usual clothes. “Are you ready, sire?” he asks.
“Call me 'Doctor', Merlin,” the Doctor says with a small smile. “That’s my real name where I come from.”
Merlin gazes at the Doctor in wonderment. “So there really are other worlds out there?”
“Yep. Millions.” The Doctor adjusts his tie and flashes Merlin a grin. “...Why don’t you come with me?”
Merlin hesitates for only a second - a second that’s barely noticeable - and then he’s shaking his head. “I can’t. I have to look after my mum. And Arthur. I mean, the Prince.” He flushes in embarrassment. “He’s a pain in the arse but he needs me. The dragon says it’s something to do with destiny.”
“I understand,” the Doctor nods. “You’re needed here.”
“By the way, Doctor.” Merlin looks curious. “Who was that girl? From the cave? Amy?”
A look clouds the Doctor’s face. “I don’t know... yet.” He looks like he's about to continue, but then Rose enters the room; the Doctor is smiling again, and Amy the red-haired 'maidservant' is forgotten.
.pineapple.
“Where did I park the TARDIS?” the Doctor asks, scratching his head and looking around.
“In a bush,” Amy replies, sarcasm evident. “And you forgot to use the brakes again." She stops in her tracks and scrutinises the back of the Doctor carefully. "You're not going to tell me who the Lord and Lady Smith are, are you?”
The Doctor ignores her, choosing to swipe a pineapple lying on the ground and throw it into Amy’s arms. “C’mon, we need to hurry before Camelot’s buried in pineapples.”
“Fine then,” Amy submits to the Doctor's will, and tries hard to forget about Lord John Smith and Lady Rose Smith. “I haven’t eaten pineapple in ages. Reckon we could do all sorts with these bad boys.”
The Doctor laughs, but his focus isn’t on Amy as she overtakes him. Instead, he’s staring up at Camelot’s castle - past the turrets, past the stone walls, at the two figures framed by a window. They’re talking animatedly, a blonde girl and her taller, handsome companion, and the Doctor is about to turn away, when the man looks down, and catches sight of him. Their eyes meet for a second, and then the Doctor’s leaving to follow Amy. He doesn’t look back.
.pineapple.
“I can’t believe we went to Camelot,” Rose says as the Doctor starts up the TARDIS. “During a pineapple pandemic!” She laughs out loud at the absurdity. “My mum’s never gonna believe this.”
“Your mother,” the Doctor huffs exasperatedly, and grins when Rose reprimands his comment by whacking him lightly on the arm. “Home, Rose Tyler?” he enquires with a cheeky twinkle in his eye.
“Home,” Rose agrees with a warm smile.
Epilogue
“The plague has stopped, Father. There have been no more reports of those... things appearing in Camelot,” Arthur reports to Uther at the end of the day. “I believe Lord Smith helped find the source of the magic.”
“Excellent.” Uther looks pleased, but his face falls into a frown as he scans the throne room. “Where is Lord Smith exactly?”
“They went on their way already, sire,” Merlin pipes up from behind Arthur, standing with Gaius.
“That’s a shame,” Uther muses, “I wanted to congratulate him in person and reward him as thanks. I hope he returns to Camelot again; we need good men like him to vanquish the evil magic that still torments our land in secret.”
Merlin hides his smile as they file from the throne room. As he follows Arthur back to the Prince’s chambers, he says, “Lord Smith taught me how to cut a pineapple, sire. Would you like to try some?”
Arthur wrinkles his nose in distaste as he glances at Merlin suspiciously. “You’re not trying to poison me are you, Merlin?”
“No!” Merlin protests, indignant. “We have so many in Camelot, and we shouldn’t let them go to waste. I swear they’re not poisonous!” Arthur continues to look at his manservant sceptically. “And I don’t want to be thrown in the stocks because the pineapples will kill me!” Merlin adds.
“Fine,” Arthur acquiesces, opening the door to his chambers. “But if I eat it, you have to service me all night.” Before Merlin can complain, he’s pulled into the room by a smirking Arthur, and the door is shut tight.
The End