Say Hi to the Guy Inside (Gen, R)
Title: Say Hi to the Guy Inside
Rating: R for language and adult situations.
Category: Gen (crack) fic
Word Count: 2306
Characters: Dean, OC, Sam
Spoilers: None
Author’s Note: This is pure crack. I have nothing else to say about it. Written for “Prompt 4: Ego/Id” for the
psych_30 challenge.
Disclaimer: The following characters and situations are used without permission of the creators, owners, and further affiliates of the Warner Bros television show, Supernatural, to whom they rightly belong. I claim only what is mine, and I make no money off what is theirs. Also, I have pulled things from many other sources, which include the following: the Verizon Wireless commercials and slogans,
madam_rosmerta’s Top Thirty Dean Winchester Facts, Ashton Kutcher’s character “Kelso” from That 70’s Show, and…I think that’s about it.
Ego: The part of the personality which maintains a balance between our impulses (id) and our conscience (superego). The ego operates on the reality principle.
Id: The part of the personality which contains our primitive impulses such as sex, anger, and hunger. The id operates on the pleasure principle, demanding immediate gratification, much like an impulsive child.
Dean awoke that morning to see a pair of eyes that looked vaguely familiar staring at him. Startled, he jerked upward, throwing back bed sheets, to more clearly see a man that looked exactly like him sitting on the opposite bed in the motel room. Two thoughts simultaneously passed through Dean’s mind: there was a shapeshifter in town, or Sam and he had switched bodies. When he glanced down to see that, no, he wasn’t in Sam’s body, Dean returned to his first thought.
He darted to his duffel bag for a gun, and just as he had aimed the gun at the shapeshifter, it began to laugh. Hysterically.
“Fuck! Dude!” it exclaimed, slapping its knee and throwing its head back in laughter. “A gun! You’ve gotta lighten up!”
“What?”
“You think I’m a shapeshifter-right? Silver bullets and all that fuckin’ bullshit?” The other man stood and sighed. “Puh-leeze. I am you.”
“What?”
The other Dean chuckled to himself. “Limited vocab-eh? Right. Well. I’m like, the fun part of you,” he rambled in a swift monotone. “The cool part. The uncontrolled part. Evil twin? Maybe, but that’d be pushing it.”
“You’ve got to be shitting me.”
“Nope.” He stuck out his hand, which Dean stared at it as it hung in the air between them. “Call me Leo.”
“Leo?” Dean echoed, as Leo, grumbling something about “lack of manners,” shoved his hand back into his pocket. Dean continued, “Couldn’t you have gone with something, well, something a little closer to my name if you are me? Like ‘Dan’ or ‘Den’?”
“And how boring would that be? Fuck, look at you. Unable to think beyond the norm without me. You need some spice in your life. It’s Leo. Like the lion. Rowr, baby, rowr. Like, ‘What’s your sign, baby’ pick-up line. Which, by the way, you must not use a lot because you are hot. Which means I’m hot. Heh. Which means we’re hot.” He laughed again, throwing back his head to expose his teeth, and Dean wiped a hand across his face and groaned.
“Kill me now.”
“Now where’s the fun in that? You ready to go? I’m fuckin’ starving man. I’m ready to eat. Or drink. Or fuck. You got a preference? We could try all three, but hey, I like to use my mouth when I-”
“I’ll get dressed,” Dean muttered and grabbed a pair of clean clothes. He slammed the bathroom door shut and stared at himself in the mirror. This guy, this walking idiot, was the fun part of him? Splashing water on his face, Dean began to wonder why Sam hadn’t put him out of his misery five states ago.
- - - - -
At the bar-Leo decided he felt like getting drunk more than eating-Dean wondered when Sam was going to appear and save his ass from this moron. He could only hope it would be too soon.
“Y’know,” Leo began. He then burped loudly and pointed the top of his beer bottle at Dean, “You flirt too much.”
“How would you know?”
“Dude. I am you. How many times do I have to clarify that?” Leo scoffed. “Look, do I have to explain it to you? I’m the part that you only let out some of the time. Rest of the time?” He reached over and rapped his knuckles on the top of Dean’s head. “The big guy upstairs is shutting me up.”
“Thank God.”
“But, seriously, man. I can show you some of the good shit now that I can talk all I want. Like flirting-right? Fuck man, when you look like us, who needs it?”
“And what do you suggest instead?” Dean asked drolly. He glanced away from Leo and looked out the bar window to gaze at the Impala. “I’m not locking myself up with a chastity belt.”
“Aw, no way. Just stop workin’ so hard at getting women. You don’t have to. Here, watch this.”
Leo whistled, and an impressive blonde passing them by turned her head in his direction. “Hey baby, how ‘bout now?” he leered. The girl smiled in response, and Leo grinned. “Good.”
He turned to Dean and smacked him overzealously on the shoulder. “I’m gonna be out back. You can join if you want-”
“That’s wrong on too many levels. Even for me, you freak.”
“Hey, whatever dude. I understand if you’ve got performance issues in front of other men-” Leo began.
“You sick bastard. I ought-”
“See you in a bit. Enjoy your wait in celibacy,” Leo said with a chuckle. Giving a wink to Dean, he sauntered over to the girl and linked arms. Just before he exited the bar, he looked over his shoulder at Dean and licked his lips perversely.
Dean ordered another beer. If he was going to survive this day, he was going to need all the alcohol he could get.
- - - - -
Dean reclined on the hood of the Impala and tried to call Sam while he waited for Leo. Sam’s phone rang, but there was no answer, and Dean was eventually forced to leave a lengthy message asking Sam to call him back as soon as possible and trying to explain Leo as best he could. After calling Sam, Dean considered contacting their father, but decided against it. Leo wasn’t a definite threat. Just a definite annoyance that John Winchester probably didn’t want to be bothered with.
Less than half an hour later, Leo came sauntering out to the Impala with one hand down the front of his pants, not so casually readjusting himself, and with a bottle of whiskey in the other. Seeing him, Dean closed his cell phone and slid it inside his pocket.
“Who ya callin’?” Leo asked, leaning against the side of the car and unscrewing the lid on the whiskey bottle.
“None of your business.”
“Sam, wasn’t it? Well, you can’t get to him right now. Sorry to break it to you, but it’s the truth. You’ve got me now.”
“Is Sam okay? If you hurt him-”
Leo, who had been drinking straight from the bottle, pulled his lips off with a grimace. “Damn, relax, all right? Little Sammy’s fine. You’ve gotta trust me on that.”
Dean sighed. “You’re not exactly a trusting person, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“Aw c’mon, that’s low. Insulting yourself like that. Hand me the keys, will ya?”
“I’m not giving you my keys.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s my damn car, and I don’t want you fucking her up,” Dean replied. “Besides, look at you. You’re drinking. Whiskey. From the damn bottle.”
“You’re giving me a lecture on morality and ethics? I think Hell just froze over.”
“You’re not driving.”
“Huh. Well, then. I’ll tell you where I wanna go, and you drive.”
“Or what?”
“Or else I go back inside the bar, start shooting up the men, fucking the women, and then blame it on you when I leave.” Leo smirked in satisfaction around the glass lid as he took another slug of whiskey.
“Fine. Get in the car. Where to?”
- - - - -
After a bit of driving with Leo’s haphazard directions, Dean pulled into the massive parking lot of a Wal-Mart Super Center. As Dean slowly looked over at his passenger, Leo began talking in a rambling slur.
“Don’t say anything. You had a shitty childhood. A fucking shitty one, okay? I never got to come out and play. If I did, the big guy always shut me up. I wanted to go play in the mud. Big guy said, ‘No, you need to behave. Dad’s going out tonight. Got to watch Sam.’ Fuckin’ bullshit, man. Do you realize how many normal childhood things you never got?”
“It wasn’t like I didn’t want it. You were there. You know why-”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. We’re making up for it now.” Leo opened the car door and began to walk towards the store in long, hurried strides. For drinking nearly half the bottle of whiskey, he was walking surprisingly straight.
Quickly, Dean scrambled out of the car and jogged to catch up with his counterpart. “What are you doing?” he asked as he fell into step beside Leo.
“Getting us some toys.”
- - - - -
Inside the brightly lit Wal-Mart, Leo grabbed a shopping cart and headed immediately for the toy section. As he moved down the aisles, pulling things off the shelves and tossing them into the cart, Dean said, “And how the hell are we supposed to pay for all this?”
“Hello? Fake credit cards. I know you got’em. Let’s use them.”
“But-”
“How about rollerblades? You ever done that before? No? I’m all up for that.”
When the cart was finally full, overflowing with assorted toys and childish candy, Leo took a different direction than the assumed check-out lines. Unable to control his alter-ego, Dean begrudgingly followed until they reached the women’s lingerie department.
“Please don’t tell me I have a secret desire to crossdress too,” Dean groaned, glancing around at the lacey bras and tiny underwear.
“Not that I know of,” Leo replied. “Although there may be a different part of you I haven’t met yet.” He looked over at Dean and dramatically gave him an up and down glance. “Still…you probably wouldn’t look too bad in a pair of fishnets and a killer corset. Black. Yup. Black is definitely your color. You like sparkles?” He laughed and smacked Dean on the shoulder. “Aw, just fuckin’ with ya, man. Just fuckin’.”
“What are we doing here, then?”
“Getting a look,” Leo replied casually as he began to climb up on the racks of clothing. The glittery thong display swung precariously as Leo scurried up the tall racks to lean over the dressing room walls. “Hey baby, how ‘bout now?” he called, and there came a high-pitched shriek from inside the dressing room. “Good!”
Following the one scream and curses, the other women began to scream also, prompting the salesclerk to ring a loud alarm. “Get down, you moron!” Dean shouted.
“I’m comin’, I’m comin’. I just wanted to look!”
“Well, hurry up!” Dean looked down the aisle to see a pair of security guards lumbering towards them. “I’m leaving! Save your own damn ass!”
With that, Leo leapt down from the racks and landed next to Dean. In his fall, a tiered display of discount bras toppled over and landed on Dean’s head. As Dean swore, Leo cried out, “Wait! My toys!”
Grabbing Leo harshly by the forearm, Dean yelled, “Forget your toys, we need to move! I’m not getting arrested in a Wal-Mart!”
However, Leo managed to snatch the rollerblades from the top of the heaping pile, and the two men darted for the exit.
- - - - -
In a nearby park, Leo clumsily flailed on the sidewalk in the rollerblades while Dean sat on a picnic table and attempted to think. Dean remained silent in his thoughts; Leo continued to use his “Hey baby, how ‘bout now?” line on any passing female who appeared the slightest bit attractive. Since leaving Wal-Mart, Leo had been slapped three times and kicked in the groin once.
“So, how do I get rid of you?” Dean finally asked.
“Get rid of me?” Leo echoed, as he slowed himself down and wrapped one of his arms around a tree for balance.
“Yeah. I’d like to just return to the way things were.”
“Well, you can’t get rid of me. Haven’t we been through this before? I am you. You just don’t let me out enough.”
“How so?” Dean asked, confused. “Ask Sam. He’ll tell you I let you out plenty. I do whatever the hell I want.”
“Do you? I don’t think so. The big guy usually takes control before things get too out of hand. Before Sam needs you or Daddy needs you. Somebody always needs you. I mean, yeah you let me out a helluva lot more than Sam lets out his fun side, but still…” Leo was forced to pause as his balance wavered, and he fought to retain his upright position.
“Look, I just…I just want you to go away. Inside of me. Or wherever it is.”
“Oh,” Leo said, “that’s all you want?”
“Yeah.”
“Fuck. Then why didn’t you say so? This could’ve ended a long time ago.”
Dean shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Right. Of course. As easy as that.”
“Sure is. Just wake up.”
“What?”
Leo grinned, and repeated, “Time to wake up, Dean. Wake up.”
- - - - -
“Time to wake up, Dean. Wake up.”
Dean leapt awake and nearly fell out of bed upon hearing a familiar voice. When his eyes snapped open, he saw Sam leaning over and shaking him awake.
“Mornin’ sunshine,” Sam grinned. “You ready to get some breakfast?”
“Sam?”
“Yeah?”
Dean swallowed before speaking and thought he tasted whiskey. “Is Leo here?”
“Is who here?” Sam echoed, as his eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. Sitting down on the bed next to Dean’s hip, he asked, “Dean? Are you okay? You were turning a lot in your sleep last night. Is something wrong?”
“Fine, fine,” he muttered, although he was relieved to hear Sam’s anxious voice instead of his own coming through someone else’s mouth. Sitting up, Dean rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand. “Life is great now.”
“Okay…” Sam replied dubiously. “Um, you wanna grab a shower, and we’ll get breakfast?” He rose to his feet as Dean slid out of bed and dug through his duffel bag for a pair of clean clothes. “I’m going to get my laptop,” Sam continued. “It’s in the car.”
Just as Dean had reached the bathroom, and Sam opened the door leading to the outside, Sam spoke again. “Hey Dean?”
“Yeah?”
“There’s a box here. On our doorstep.”
“So?”
“It’s a box of rollerblades.”
End