u lil shit (i think i love you)
pairing: baekhyun/chen
rating: pg
warnings: language
genre: slice of life, fluff
word count: 5.9k
summary: love is a word jongdae has never associated with baekhyun.
a/n: the first fic posted on my new journal (❁´‿`❁)*✲ﾟ* also the first baekchen fic i've written, yay for that !
Love is a word Jongdae has never associated with Baekhyun, not even once. When he looks at Baekhyun, his chest doesn't constrict, he doesn't have any trouble breathing, his palms don't begin to sweat. All of that sounds uncomfortable to begin with, so Jongdae is just glad he doesn't have any of those symptoms since he does spend quite a lot of time looking at Baekhyun, or at least being near to him.
To Jongdae, love has always been something special. He has never been in love so he can't say for sure, but he thinks it should be a big feeling. It should cause him to feel a bit uncomfortable, jittery, maybe a little unlike himself. Love should be an earth-shattering experience, something that causes explosions inside him, something that he just falls into, out of the blue, when he least expects it. Love should begin with a special moment, something that changes everything - it should be a huge turning point in his life. He should know, right after he has locked eyes with his one and only, that yes, this is love, or even if it isn't right now, it will be, sooner or later.
Thus he concludes that he isn't in love with Baekhyun. What he and Baekhyun have isn't love because it's so mundane, a love like that would be completely anti-climatic. Love isn't lying on the practice room floor together, sweaty and out of breath, wondering out loud whether or not they are ever going to be at least a passable dancers. Love isn't giving each other band-aids for their blisters, love isn't holding an ice bag on Baekhyun's sore back. It's not sneaking out for some midnight snacks in the middle of the night even though they are both supposed to be dieting, or at least getting some sleep. No, love isn't like that. In Jongdae's book, love is supposed to be something much bigger and more special, something extraordinary and completely magical. It's supposed to strike him suddenly, knock him out of wind and make his heart rate increase when he least expects it.
With Baekhyun, it's not like that, and it's never been like that either. For some reason, Jongdae still sometimes feels the urge to form a sentence consisting of love as the verb and Baekhyun as the object, but he doesn't know why.
✄
The first time Jongdae meets Baekhyun is at the audition. Baekhyun walks up to him without any reservation, smiling widely, and asks what song Jongdae is going to sing. "Sing it to me," he tells Jongdae. "It'll make you less nervous to sing it to someone else before you have to do it in front of the judges."
So Jongdae sings, and when he's done, Baekhyun's mouth falls open. "Wow," he comments. "Wow. I regret asking you to sing now. My confidence has just left the building, I mean, dude, wow. You have no right to look like a nervous wreck when you've got a voice like that. Go stand in the corner and reflect on your mistakes."
Jongdae can't help but laugh at that. He realizes he sounds hysteric, with his anxiousness spilling out as loud, exaggerated laughter that soon turns into hiccups. Baekhyun watches him, amused, and offers him a bottle of water to help get rid of the hiccups.
"You need to sing, too," Jongdae demands when he has finally recovered and handed the bottle back to Baekhyun. Baekhyun makes a face.
"I feel pressurized now that I've heard how good you are," he confesses.
"That's why you need to sing," Jongdae tells him. "Because now you're nervous. I'm sure you're great."
Baekhyun does sing in the end, and Jongdae gapes. He expected Baekhyun to sing well, but he didn't expect him to sing that well. Jongdae, who has spent the better part of his life as the quiet choir boy whose life revolves around trying to improve his singing technique, finds that Baekhyun's technique isn't flawless by any means, but that certainly doesn't mean he's a bad singer. Baekhyun has heaps of raw, unpolished talent, and the way he sings is earnest and effortless, and most of all, passionate.
"You could, you know, say something," Baekhyun huffs when Jongdae has spent a while in stunned silence. "You're making me even more nervous than I already was."
"10,000 won says you will pass," Jongdae manages finally. "With flying colors."
Baekhyun laughs. "Well, my 10,000 won says you will pass. With colors flying higher than spacecraft."
"Deal."
Baekhyun shakes his head, but then shoots Jongdae a curious look. "Do you honestly think I'm good?"
"Not just that. You're great, and you'll be even greater," Jongdae tells him earnestly. "I mean it. You'll blow minds one day." You already blew mine, he thinks but never voices that thought. Baekhyun beams brighter than the sun, and Jongdae beams right back.
They both make it to the final round, and pass, becoming trainees together. And that's only the beginning.
✄
When Jongdae is told he's going to debut as a member of a group called EXO, the first person he thinks about is Baekhyun. It's strange, because he is sure he's supposed to think of his family first, or maybe some of his choir friends, but no, with shaking hands, Jongdae calls Baekhyun first, and Baekhyun quite literally screams in excitement. "I knew it!" he rejoices. "I knew!"
He treats Jongdae to some street food that night, and laughs at Jongdae who is once again a messy pile of nervousness, unsure whether or not he's even ready to debut so soon. It's been less than a year since he became a trainee, he still has two left legs and really, does he even deserve it? There are so many people who have trained longer than him, and Jongdae feels bad for snatching their chance.
"Cut that out. If you can't do it, then no one can," Baekhyun tells him, flicking Jongdae's forehead. "I believe in you one hundred percent."
"I wish we could debut together," Jongdae says, pouting. Although he is extremely happy about being able to debut, the thought of being separated from Baekhyun dampens his mood. He thinks about practicing dancing with Baekhyun, how the elder has improved by leaps and bounds, much faster than Jongdae. He also thinks about their silent moments when they sit together in their shared dorm room, talking about home because they both miss it. He remembers singing with Baekhyun and marveling at how nice their voices sound together, but being even more amazed by Baekhyun, who seems to sing better with every passing second.
"Me too, kind of. But don't you worry, this isn't the end," Baekhyun assures his (best?) friend. "I'm going to be your biggest fanboy from now on. I'll open up a fansite and dedicate my whole life to praising you on fan boards. I'll trail after you, take flattering pictures of you no matter how hard that might be, and strangle every anti that crosses your path. This shall be my mission in life from now on."
Jongdae punches his shoulder. "Idiot. You need to practice. I want to see you debut, too. And make that soon."
"Sure. Anything for my most precious one." Jongdae gags and Baekhyun responds with a kissy face.
A couple of weeks later Baekhyun is introduced as the last member of EXO. Jongdae may or may not squeal at that, and quite literally jumps on Baekhyun, wrapping his legs around his best (yes, best) friend's waist, and for a moment he completely forgets about the fact that they aren't alone in the practice room. There are ten other boys staring at them like they are mildly insane (which they probably are, at least when put together), but neither Jongdae nor Baekhyun cares particularly much. They are going to debut - together.
✄
Prior to Baekhyun joining EXO, Jongdae had already volunteered to be one of the two members to promote in China, figuring that it didn't really matter which language he would sing in, as long as he could sing. Moreover, he is rather good at studying and therefore learning some Chinese might not be as hard to him as it might be to some of the other members.
A couple of months before their debut, Jongdae and Baekhyun sit side by side in the dark practice, exhausted by their intense practice session. They are both tired but they know they can't stop, can't call it a day just yet because they are both running out of time but they're still far from being the graceful dancers their group needs them to be. Baekhyun lies down on his back, using Jongdae's thigh as a pillow, and closes his eyes. It's the first time the word beautiful crosses Jongdae's mind when he looks at Baekhyun, although it's only a very brief thought and also a bit strange, given that Baekhyun is as sweaty as Jongdae himself, hair sticking to forehead and whole face red, lips chapped, and wearing just a plain pair of gray sweats and a blue hoodie.
"I want to go to China too," Baekhyun confesses suddenly and opens his eyes to meet Jongdae's.
In theory, that could have been the moment, the moment of drum roll and fireworks and stars blurring Jongdae's vision, but it isn't. Instead of feeling his heart pound or blood run faster in his veins, or butterflies in his stomach or whatever, Jongdae just feels something like deep affection. Not the romantic kind (he supposes), just the warm kind of attachment you feel when you look at a very close friend, or a pet you love dearly, or something like that. Instead of thinking that wow, I might be a bit in love with you, the thought that runs through Jongdae's mind is something like wow, I wish I had words to explain just how happy I am to have you in my life.
"Why?"
Baekhyun gives him one those very unimpressed frowns of his. "Well, I want to see some pandas," he retorts. "No, idiot. I want to go to China to be with you, obviously. How am I supposed to function without you? How can we be bros for life with a sea cockblocking us?"
"You have Chanyeol, though. You can be bros for life with him." Jongdae notices that the words taste slightly bitter on his tongue. Like jealousy. He doesn't really want Baekhyun to be bros for life, or best friends, or whatever it is that he is with Jongdae, with anyone else.
Baekhyun looks like he can't believe what he has just heard. "Chanyeol? Well okay, Chanyeol is great, but he's not you! He isn't my bro for life, and he will never be either, because that's you, Kim Jongdae, the only one here who sucks at dancing more than I do."
Jongdae responds to that by pinching Baekhyun's cheeks (rather violently, actually), but on the inside, he feels warm. Somehow he feels a bit better about going to China when he knows that no matter what, Baekhyun will still be there for him. Nothing between them is going to change, Baekhyun isn't going to forget about him, and he's still going to be there for him once Jongdae comes back. Going to China feels a lot less scary with that thought on his mind.
"I actually went to beg the company," Baekhyun confesses next. "Or not exactly beg, but I did ask if I could go to China too. Guess what they said?"
"I don't know, but you're probably just about to tell me."
"Apparently we are too good to be in the same subgroup," Baekhyun laughs. "Hear that, Jongdae? The world can't handle us when we're together."
Jongdae laughs too, because he likes the way it sounds. "Would you ever have seen this coming a couple of months ago?"
"Totally," Baekhyun scoffs. "Right from the moment I first saw you, I knew we were going to kick ass."
✄
Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder, or however that saying goes.
When Jongdae is in China, Baekhyun keeps sending him pointless text messages all the time. What are you doing? How are you? What did you eat today? I can't handle Chanyeol alone, please come back, I need you. How are you now? Has everything been alright for you? Does Taozi bully you a lot? How's Chinese? How are you now? I thought of you and learned some Chinese pick-up lines, want to hear? Did I already ask how are you today? The texts kept coming, and although Jongdae pretends to be annoyed, he really isn't at all. He loves getting them because they cheer him up, make him feel better when he's down and give him energy. The texts remind him of the Baekhyun who stuffed snacks in his pockets before dance practice and shared it with Jongdae when the instructor couldn't see. "You look like you could use some energy," Baekhyun would say and sneak a protein bar for his friend.
It's past eleven at night when Jongdae gets yet another text from Baekhyun, once again asking him how he is. Jongdae sighs to himself, but can't help a smile from spreading on his lips.
To: Baek
u already asked how i was five times today. also its late, why r u still up
From: Baek
i know but i just want to make sure you're still ok. how am i supposed to know your mood hasn't changed since the last time i asked?
To: Baek
most ppl don't feel the need to know another person's mood at every point of day
From: Baek
well i do. bc you're my fave ♥ (but pls don't tell chanyeol bc i told him that too less than ten minutes ago)
To: Baek
am i supposed to be jealous?
From: Baek
no i only said that bc i wanted him to buy food. i go to extreme lengths for free food as you know
To: Baek
how do i know you're not telling me i'm your fave just bc you need something from me?
From: Baek
bc ♥♥♥ daebaek is true shit ♥♥♥ ilu asshole come back soon i miss your stupid face
To: Baek
♥♥♥ same u lil shit ♥♥♥ now go to bed you have show champion tomorrow
Jongdae rolls around to lie on his stomach and puts his phone away after receiving one more heart emoticon from Baekhyun. He stares at the wall contemplatively, wondering why he feels somewhat strange. He isn't giddy, he doesn't feel like hugging his pillows and rolling around or alternatively swimming across the sea just to get to Baekhyun. What he feels is the familiar kind of warmth inside him, comfortable and assuring - the kind of warmth he has learnt to associate with his best friend, Byun Baekhyun. He also feels homesick. He misses Seoul, his family, and, of course, he misses Baekhyun, too.
✄
Jongdae's mother has always adored Baekhyun. Ever since she once came to visit her son at the dorm room which he shared with Baekhyun, she has talked about Baekhyun like she talks about Jongdae to his grandmother, almost as if Baekhyun were her third son. Baekhyun totally charmed her right away by smiling the whole time, chatting with her politely and cracking jokes (appropriate ones instead of his usual, very questionable ones, because he's actually a very considerate and well-behaved guy, albeit only when he wants to be), and when he eventually left to go hang out with his other friends in order to give Jongdae time with his mother, she couldn't stop praising Baekhyun and his manners. The Baekhyun Trap has always been a force to be reckoned with, a force even Jongdae's mother couldn't escape.
After that day, Jongdae's mother has taken to asking her son about Baekhyun ever single time she calls. When Jongdae is in China, she switches to only calling Baekhyun to hear how her son is doing, claiming it's all because international calls are so expensive. Jongdae believes that's one part of the truth, but he also knows that his mother has a huge soft spot for Baekhyun, and having an excuse to call him every other day is just about the best thing she could have asked for.
"All we ever talk about is you," Baekhyun tells him when Jongdae complains about Baekhyun getting to talk to her more often than her own son. "She says she just likes it when I talk about you."
When Jongdae calls his mother, for example to ask about something he's cooking, Baekhyun always appears out of nowhere to greet her cheerfully, and Jongdae's mother eats it all up. Who wouldn't like a suave charmer like Baekhyun?
"He's a really good boy," Jongdae's mother often says. "He cares about you a lot. Also, when I'm talking to him, it feels like he knows you even better than I do. I can feel how much he cares about you just by listening to his voice."
"No, Mom, you know me the best. Baek can be second," Jongdae insists every time.
✄
On his first birthday after joining EXO, Jongdae gets ten (like they always seem to do, Jongin and Sehun joined forces to buy him a present) perfect presents. They are all things he actually likes, needs, and has been contemplating buying. Headphones, CD's, an English phrasebook, clothes by his favorite brands, his favorite snacks - Jongdae gets way more than he would ever have asked for. He is rendered speechless when one member after another gives him their present, and although Jongdae has never been the one whose heart can be moved with material goods nor the kind of kid who waits for Christmas just for the presents' sake, he can't help but feel touched.
"I had no idea you knew me so well," he mumbles in amazement. "How did you know what to buy me? Am I the only one who sucks at presents?"
All he gets are sheepish grins all around the room. He doesn't understand their meaning until a couple of days later when Zitao accidentally spills the beans. "Baekhyun was right, yellow does look good on you," he notes when they're having a break during practice. Jongdae glances down at the sweater he is wearing, the one he got from Zitao on his birthday. "I was going to buy black because black goes well with everything, but then Baekhyun... oops."
Jongdae narrows his eyes in suspicion. "Baekhyun what?"
Zitao covers his mouth and looks down. "I wasn't supposed to say that."
Jongdae takes a moment to assess the information, and then looks up at Zitao, amused. "So you don't know me as well as I thought," he muses. "I was wondering how come you knew I like this brand. I thought you had been keeping an eye on my fashion."
"I'm not the only one who cheated!" Zitao defends himself right away. "Everyone else did, too!"
He realizes that he has only managed to dig his grave deeper, and in the process he has also thrown all the other members under the bus as well. He bites his lip and curses himself in silent Chinese. "Well, anyway. Baekhyun picked all of it," he finally confesses once he has concluded that since the cat is already out of the bag, there is no way to force it back in. "He spent the week before your birthday running around the city because he wanted us to buy you nice things and not just random junk. He told us not to tell you, though. But... yeah."
Now that Jongdae thinks about it, it's weird he didn't pick up on it earlier. He had barely seen Baekhyun that week outside of their schedules. "You guys are all cheaters," he accuses, but he does it fondly, and reaches out to ruffle Zitao's hair. "Idiots."
"You're under a lot of pressure now, you know," Zitao says. "You need to do the same for Baekhyun on his birthday. You should start making a list of present candidates, or something."
That Jongdae does. He still has plenty of time before Baekhyun's birthday, but he still meticulously takes note of every little thing Baekhyun mentions, and every single thing he stops to look at when they sneak out to do some shopping on their day off. Jongdae doesn't think he's ever prepared so much for anyone's birthday, but he supposes Baekhyun is a special case. He's Jongdae's best friend, after all.
✄
When EXO wins for the first time with Wolf, neither Jongdae nor Baekhyun cry on stage. Joonmyun cries enough for the both of them anyway, as do Jongin and Chanyeol. As awards keep coming, they still don't cry. At the end of 2013, which is said to go down in history as EXO's year, they win big awards, ones that some of their label mates spent years trying to receive. EXO is less than two years old, yet there they are, standing on stage, holding the award for the Best Album of the Year. Joonmyun doesn't cry, which is surprising. Many others do, though, and even Baekhyun, whom their fans have taken to calling 'the one who never cries', is seen wiping at the corners of his eyes when he thinks no camera can catch it.
Jongdae stays close to him, wraps an arm around his best friend's waist and smiles so wide his cheeks hurt. To be honest, Jongdae feels like crying, too, his eyes sting and there's a funny feeling at the back of his throat, but he can't cry, not when Baekhyun is crying. One of them has to hold it together, and this time it's Jongdae's turn. They get separated by Minseok during Joonmyun's (surprisingly calm and composed) speech, but once it's Kris' turn, Jongdae attaches him to Baekhyun's side, back-hugging him even if it's just for the sake of keeping himself together.
It's a tradition of theirs to go sit on the balcony once they return to the dorms after receiving a big award. That's what they do this time, too, wrapped up in their winter coats and sitting on the cold floor, looking up at the sky and leaning on each other. That's when they both cry, openly, not trying to hold it in anymore because there's no point. Neither of them is good at crying, especially when they feel like they don't have the right to cry when they clearly haven't been through as much as all the other members, but when it's just the two of them, there's no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. Excluding his family, Baekhyun is the only person who has ever seen Jongdae cry.
"It's been hours and I still can't believe it," Baekhyun confesses when they've both run out of tears. Jongdae gives hands him a tissue from the box he managed to grab before he was dragged to the balcony. Their tradition is rather weird, the more you think about it, as it only consists of the two of them wailing like two big babies, not saying a word until their eyes are puffy and red and their makeup has long since spilled down their cheeks.
"We're in one hell of a group," Jongdae replies, nuzzling his face closer to Baekhyun's neck because his nose is freezing. Baekhyun jumps at the coldness but doesn't swat his friend away like he normally would, probably because his head isn't quite there. He's still reeling, just like Jongdae, and trying to pull himself together.
Jongdae thinks about lying on the practice room floor with Baekhyun, both feeling half-dead, with every muscle of their body burning. Feeling half-dead, however, means you're still feeling half-alive, and so they always pulled themselves back up, restarted the music and kept going until the last drop of their energy was gone and they just wanted to fall asleep on the floor instead of heading to the dorms. He thinks about Baekhyun losing his voice due to overexerting it because his vocal coach just wouldn't let him off the hook, and then getting scolded for not taking care of his most important possession. Jongdae thinks about wobbling to dance practice, feeling feverish, and getting Baekhyun to fuss over him in the bathroom, armed with some pills and a thermometer. Jongdae remembers a lot of things, and although he knows experiencing them for less than a year hardly gives him the right to compare himself to any of his bandmates, he still knows neither he nor Baekhyun got a free pass to fame.
"Thank you," he eventually says, turning to look at Baekhyun. "I wouldn't be here without you. Honestly."
Baekhyun laughs at that, but it sounds more like a choke because somehow he's still crying even though there are no tears. He can't get a single word out, but Jongdae thinks he understands. That's why they are best friends: because they understand each other even without words.
✄
"Chanyeol," Jongdae decides to ask one day because Chanyeol is a close friend of not only his but Baekhyun's, too, "do you think I could be in love with Baekhyun?"
Ever since they won the award, the thought has crossed his mind more frequently. He isn't sure what to make of it, he isn't sure if there even is such a possibility that he might think of Baekhyun as something more than just a friend. Still, the thought nags at him sometimes, when he finds himself looking at Baekhyun longer than he should, and feeling strangely content like that, as if just being able to see Baekhyun were enough to guarantee his life-long happiness. It's weird, and Jongdae, having always been a curious person, needs to find a name to put on that feeling.
Chanyeol, strumming on his guitar in concentration, lifts his head in surprise, and narrows his eyes at Jongdae. "What are you talking about?"
"I've just been thinking about it," Jongdae tells him, pursing his lips in thought. "What do you think? Am I in love with Baekhyun?"
"How am I supposed to know that?" Chanyeol asks incredulously. Jongdae frowns, so Chanyeol lets out a sigh and puts his guitar away. "Well, okay then. When he touches you, do you get nervous? Does your heart speed up? Are there butterflies in your stomach?"
Jongdae pouts, thinking hard. "No," he answers after he has spent a moment mulling it over. "But is it really just like that? I have to get a stomach ache from looking at him, an irregular heartbeat and mental instability, too, and then I'll know I'm in love with him?"
Now Chanyeol frowns. "You make it sound like a disease."
"No, you make it sound like a disease. Like, if you came to me telling your stomach feels like there are butterflies there, you're fidgety around your best friend for no reason, get sweaty palms when it's freezing cold and your heart's pounding irregularly, I'd call 911 right away, and possibly go pick a coffin for you, too."
Those are exactly the kind of things Jongdae expected himself to feel when he would fall in love. He thought he would get the butterflies, be all giddy every hour of the day and spend his time trying to calm down his rapidly beating heart. Now, however, it all just sounds weird. Unnatural.
Chanyeol pulls a face, looking completely unimpressed. "Then why do you suspect yourself of being in love with Baekhyun if you don't even have any of the symptoms?"
Jongdae isn't really sure. He supposes it's because of the warm fondness he feels at the bottom of his stomach when Baekhyun falls asleep on his shoulder, and the smile that creeps on his lips when Baekhyun smiles, the shivers of some odd kind of pleasure he gets when Baekhyun sings, and how it's so easy for him to reach for Baekhyun's hand no matter where they are. There are many things that have led Jongdae to think he might be in love with Baekhyun, somehow, but his kind of love doesn't seem to be the right kind of love, the strong kind of love that causes Chanyeol, among other people, to feel sick and have symptoms that would make Jongdae think he has some kind of a problem with his heart. A medical problem, that is.
"Maybe it's just because you guys are such close friends," Chanyeol suggests after a couple of minutes when Jongdae still hasn't said anything. "It can be confusing, you know. And Baekhyun himself is confusing as hell."
That he is, Jongdae agrees absentmindedly but somehow he still isn't completely convinced.
✄
He asks a few more members, but this time, he doesn't mention Baekhyun's name. "How do I know that I'm in love with someone?" he asks nearly everyone, but none of the answers he gets seem to be enough.
Butterflies. Cold shivers. Nervousness. Feeling like walking on clouds (according to Yixing), on candy floss (Zitao) or on a waterbed (Sehun). Wanting to impress the other person. Wanting to be a better person. Seeing everything in pink (which in Jongdae's opinion sounds particularly weird). Getting electric shocks or tingles or something like that from touching the other person. Feeling uncharacteristically happy all the time.
When Jongdae looks at Baekhyun, touches Baekhyun, thinks about Baekhyun, it's all the same: he feels warm and comfortable, and just... good. There are no jolts, his heart doesn't do somersault, his mind doesn't go on overdrive. He just feels right, and if that isn't love, then Jongdae honestly doesn't know what is. It can't be just friendship because he doesn't feel the same around Chanyeol, for example, let alone his choir friends whom he has known for much longer than Baekhyun.
When Kris starts telling him about flowers blooming inside his soul and whatever, Jongdae decides none of his band mates has an answer for him. He thanks Kris for his effort, and none the wiser, he decides to suck up his pride and go to the only person in the world who can possibly give him a good answer.
"Baekhyun, how do you know you're in love?"
Baekhyun sits up on his bed, looking up from his laptop. He thinks about it for a while, and unlike everyone else Jongdae has asked so far, he doesn't give Jongdae any strange looks. "For me, it's when you look at someone when they're asleep, and you realize you're just content like that. The time could stop, and you probably wouldn't even notice."
That sounds more like it. Jongdae remembers practice rooms, curling up against Baekhyun's sweaty body which was kind of gross but then again not really, because it was so natural. He thinks about crying on the balcony with Baekhyun, which should also be uncomfortable, but it isn't. There are so many things that cross his mind, and every single one of his memories is marked with that familiar feeling of deep fondness he has grown to associate with Baekhyun.
“It’s like, life’s easier with them, somehow?” Baekhyun continues thoughtfully. “Even when the world feels like such a shitty place, having that one person near just makes it bearable.”
That sounds right, too, so right that it’s startling.
“And I don’t know, that person just makes you happy even when they don’t do anything special. Just having them in the same room makes you feel better about yourself, as if they completed you in some strange way,” Baekhyun finishes, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “That was so cheesy. I’m pretty embarrassed right now, and I’m never embarrassed so that says a lot.”
Jongdae is silent for a couple of seconds, trying to think even though his mind is pretty blank, and then decides to say what he has been thinking about for the past few weeks, or maybe even longer.
"Baekhyun," Jongdae begins. He has never struggled trying to tell Baekhyun something, it has always been so easy because he knows that although Baekhyun might sneer at him or make fun of him a bit, he's still the one who understands Jongdae the best. Now, however, Jongdae isn't quite sure how he is supposed to begin, so he decides to cut to the chase, or else he’s probably going to try to laugh it all off and chicken out. "There are no butterflies in my stomach when I look you in the eye like this, and I don't feel electrocuted or whatever when you touch me, and the ground doesn't suddenly turn into a waterbed filled with candy floss and clouds when we're in the same room, but I still think I might love you. Kind of, I guess."
It comes out of the blue to the both of them. Jongdae isn’t sure why he felt the need to say all that right in this moment. The confession feels strange and out of place, like it was done on a whim in the wrong situation. Jongdae regrets briefly, and feels a little nervous, too. It really isn’t a very nice feeling.
Baekhyun's eyes widen as he sits up on the bed, trying to grasp at what Jongdae has just said. "That’s kind of sudden,” he says, tilting his head. “But what makes you think that?"
"Because..." Jongdae trails off, suddenly self-conscious, but after a moment, he soldiers on. "Because everything you said just now, it applies to the way I feel way better than the other guys’ romcom bullshit. And then the words kind of, flew out.”
It only then crosses his mind that maybe confessing to your best friend isn’t the most brilliant idea because it could change things, make everything awkward and weird. He regrets his impromptu moment of truth for approximately ten more seconds before he registers Baekhyun closing his laptop and looking at him mischievously.
“Well, that took you long enough, Captain Obvious,” he says. “So do I finally get to kiss you?”
Jongdae is surprised by the eagerness with which he nods, and Baekhyun laughs at him, and so they just slip into the upgrade of their relationship, lips melting against each other (after a few attempts ruined by their noses and laughter). It feels right, so perfectly right that Jongdae wonders why it took him so long to realize what was standing right in front of him.
He never falls for Baekhyun. For him, the process of love isn't like tripping on his feet in while going down the stairs, heart stopping from shock in the middle of the fall, a few bones possibly breaking in the process yet still feeling happy when he reaches the ground because wow, I'm still alive. Instead, it's like a natural process that starts from the first moment his eyes land on Baekhyun, and goes from there, at crawling speed, so slowly that he doesn't even notice that something is changing before it already has. He never develops a crush on Baekhyun, so there are no butterflies, no tingling touches, no shy pink dusting his cheeks at any point. He skips that step, and goes straight for something deeper, something more meaningful. Yixing can keep his clouds, Sehun his waterbed, Zitao his candy floss and Kris his flowers, because Jongdae is perfectly happy with his comfortable love for his best friend.
rating: pg
warnings: language
genre: slice of life, fluff
word count: 5.9k
summary: love is a word jongdae has never associated with baekhyun.
a/n: the first fic posted on my new journal (❁´‿`❁)*✲ﾟ* also the first baekchen fic i've written, yay for that !
Love is a word Jongdae has never associated with Baekhyun, not even once. When he looks at Baekhyun, his chest doesn't constrict, he doesn't have any trouble breathing, his palms don't begin to sweat. All of that sounds uncomfortable to begin with, so Jongdae is just glad he doesn't have any of those symptoms since he does spend quite a lot of time looking at Baekhyun, or at least being near to him.
To Jongdae, love has always been something special. He has never been in love so he can't say for sure, but he thinks it should be a big feeling. It should cause him to feel a bit uncomfortable, jittery, maybe a little unlike himself. Love should be an earth-shattering experience, something that causes explosions inside him, something that he just falls into, out of the blue, when he least expects it. Love should begin with a special moment, something that changes everything - it should be a huge turning point in his life. He should know, right after he has locked eyes with his one and only, that yes, this is love, or even if it isn't right now, it will be, sooner or later.
Thus he concludes that he isn't in love with Baekhyun. What he and Baekhyun have isn't love because it's so mundane, a love like that would be completely anti-climatic. Love isn't lying on the practice room floor together, sweaty and out of breath, wondering out loud whether or not they are ever going to be at least a passable dancers. Love isn't giving each other band-aids for their blisters, love isn't holding an ice bag on Baekhyun's sore back. It's not sneaking out for some midnight snacks in the middle of the night even though they are both supposed to be dieting, or at least getting some sleep. No, love isn't like that. In Jongdae's book, love is supposed to be something much bigger and more special, something extraordinary and completely magical. It's supposed to strike him suddenly, knock him out of wind and make his heart rate increase when he least expects it.
With Baekhyun, it's not like that, and it's never been like that either. For some reason, Jongdae still sometimes feels the urge to form a sentence consisting of love as the verb and Baekhyun as the object, but he doesn't know why.
✄
The first time Jongdae meets Baekhyun is at the audition. Baekhyun walks up to him without any reservation, smiling widely, and asks what song Jongdae is going to sing. "Sing it to me," he tells Jongdae. "It'll make you less nervous to sing it to someone else before you have to do it in front of the judges."
So Jongdae sings, and when he's done, Baekhyun's mouth falls open. "Wow," he comments. "Wow. I regret asking you to sing now. My confidence has just left the building, I mean, dude, wow. You have no right to look like a nervous wreck when you've got a voice like that. Go stand in the corner and reflect on your mistakes."
Jongdae can't help but laugh at that. He realizes he sounds hysteric, with his anxiousness spilling out as loud, exaggerated laughter that soon turns into hiccups. Baekhyun watches him, amused, and offers him a bottle of water to help get rid of the hiccups.
"You need to sing, too," Jongdae demands when he has finally recovered and handed the bottle back to Baekhyun. Baekhyun makes a face.
"I feel pressurized now that I've heard how good you are," he confesses.
"That's why you need to sing," Jongdae tells him. "Because now you're nervous. I'm sure you're great."
Baekhyun does sing in the end, and Jongdae gapes. He expected Baekhyun to sing well, but he didn't expect him to sing that well. Jongdae, who has spent the better part of his life as the quiet choir boy whose life revolves around trying to improve his singing technique, finds that Baekhyun's technique isn't flawless by any means, but that certainly doesn't mean he's a bad singer. Baekhyun has heaps of raw, unpolished talent, and the way he sings is earnest and effortless, and most of all, passionate.
"You could, you know, say something," Baekhyun huffs when Jongdae has spent a while in stunned silence. "You're making me even more nervous than I already was."
"10,000 won says you will pass," Jongdae manages finally. "With flying colors."
Baekhyun laughs. "Well, my 10,000 won says you will pass. With colors flying higher than spacecraft."
"Deal."
Baekhyun shakes his head, but then shoots Jongdae a curious look. "Do you honestly think I'm good?"
"Not just that. You're great, and you'll be even greater," Jongdae tells him earnestly. "I mean it. You'll blow minds one day." You already blew mine, he thinks but never voices that thought. Baekhyun beams brighter than the sun, and Jongdae beams right back.
They both make it to the final round, and pass, becoming trainees together. And that's only the beginning.
✄
When Jongdae is told he's going to debut as a member of a group called EXO, the first person he thinks about is Baekhyun. It's strange, because he is sure he's supposed to think of his family first, or maybe some of his choir friends, but no, with shaking hands, Jongdae calls Baekhyun first, and Baekhyun quite literally screams in excitement. "I knew it!" he rejoices. "I knew!"
He treats Jongdae to some street food that night, and laughs at Jongdae who is once again a messy pile of nervousness, unsure whether or not he's even ready to debut so soon. It's been less than a year since he became a trainee, he still has two left legs and really, does he even deserve it? There are so many people who have trained longer than him, and Jongdae feels bad for snatching their chance.
"Cut that out. If you can't do it, then no one can," Baekhyun tells him, flicking Jongdae's forehead. "I believe in you one hundred percent."
"I wish we could debut together," Jongdae says, pouting. Although he is extremely happy about being able to debut, the thought of being separated from Baekhyun dampens his mood. He thinks about practicing dancing with Baekhyun, how the elder has improved by leaps and bounds, much faster than Jongdae. He also thinks about their silent moments when they sit together in their shared dorm room, talking about home because they both miss it. He remembers singing with Baekhyun and marveling at how nice their voices sound together, but being even more amazed by Baekhyun, who seems to sing better with every passing second.
"Me too, kind of. But don't you worry, this isn't the end," Baekhyun assures his (best?) friend. "I'm going to be your biggest fanboy from now on. I'll open up a fansite and dedicate my whole life to praising you on fan boards. I'll trail after you, take flattering pictures of you no matter how hard that might be, and strangle every anti that crosses your path. This shall be my mission in life from now on."
Jongdae punches his shoulder. "Idiot. You need to practice. I want to see you debut, too. And make that soon."
"Sure. Anything for my most precious one." Jongdae gags and Baekhyun responds with a kissy face.
A couple of weeks later Baekhyun is introduced as the last member of EXO. Jongdae may or may not squeal at that, and quite literally jumps on Baekhyun, wrapping his legs around his best (yes, best) friend's waist, and for a moment he completely forgets about the fact that they aren't alone in the practice room. There are ten other boys staring at them like they are mildly insane (which they probably are, at least when put together), but neither Jongdae nor Baekhyun cares particularly much. They are going to debut - together.
✄
Prior to Baekhyun joining EXO, Jongdae had already volunteered to be one of the two members to promote in China, figuring that it didn't really matter which language he would sing in, as long as he could sing. Moreover, he is rather good at studying and therefore learning some Chinese might not be as hard to him as it might be to some of the other members.
A couple of months before their debut, Jongdae and Baekhyun sit side by side in the dark practice, exhausted by their intense practice session. They are both tired but they know they can't stop, can't call it a day just yet because they are both running out of time but they're still far from being the graceful dancers their group needs them to be. Baekhyun lies down on his back, using Jongdae's thigh as a pillow, and closes his eyes. It's the first time the word beautiful crosses Jongdae's mind when he looks at Baekhyun, although it's only a very brief thought and also a bit strange, given that Baekhyun is as sweaty as Jongdae himself, hair sticking to forehead and whole face red, lips chapped, and wearing just a plain pair of gray sweats and a blue hoodie.
"I want to go to China too," Baekhyun confesses suddenly and opens his eyes to meet Jongdae's.
In theory, that could have been the moment, the moment of drum roll and fireworks and stars blurring Jongdae's vision, but it isn't. Instead of feeling his heart pound or blood run faster in his veins, or butterflies in his stomach or whatever, Jongdae just feels something like deep affection. Not the romantic kind (he supposes), just the warm kind of attachment you feel when you look at a very close friend, or a pet you love dearly, or something like that. Instead of thinking that wow, I might be a bit in love with you, the thought that runs through Jongdae's mind is something like wow, I wish I had words to explain just how happy I am to have you in my life.
"Why?"
Baekhyun gives him one those very unimpressed frowns of his. "Well, I want to see some pandas," he retorts. "No, idiot. I want to go to China to be with you, obviously. How am I supposed to function without you? How can we be bros for life with a sea cockblocking us?"
"You have Chanyeol, though. You can be bros for life with him." Jongdae notices that the words taste slightly bitter on his tongue. Like jealousy. He doesn't really want Baekhyun to be bros for life, or best friends, or whatever it is that he is with Jongdae, with anyone else.
Baekhyun looks like he can't believe what he has just heard. "Chanyeol? Well okay, Chanyeol is great, but he's not you! He isn't my bro for life, and he will never be either, because that's you, Kim Jongdae, the only one here who sucks at dancing more than I do."
Jongdae responds to that by pinching Baekhyun's cheeks (rather violently, actually), but on the inside, he feels warm. Somehow he feels a bit better about going to China when he knows that no matter what, Baekhyun will still be there for him. Nothing between them is going to change, Baekhyun isn't going to forget about him, and he's still going to be there for him once Jongdae comes back. Going to China feels a lot less scary with that thought on his mind.
"I actually went to beg the company," Baekhyun confesses next. "Or not exactly beg, but I did ask if I could go to China too. Guess what they said?"
"I don't know, but you're probably just about to tell me."
"Apparently we are too good to be in the same subgroup," Baekhyun laughs. "Hear that, Jongdae? The world can't handle us when we're together."
Jongdae laughs too, because he likes the way it sounds. "Would you ever have seen this coming a couple of months ago?"
"Totally," Baekhyun scoffs. "Right from the moment I first saw you, I knew we were going to kick ass."
✄
Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder, or however that saying goes.
When Jongdae is in China, Baekhyun keeps sending him pointless text messages all the time. What are you doing? How are you? What did you eat today? I can't handle Chanyeol alone, please come back, I need you. How are you now? Has everything been alright for you? Does Taozi bully you a lot? How's Chinese? How are you now? I thought of you and learned some Chinese pick-up lines, want to hear? Did I already ask how are you today? The texts kept coming, and although Jongdae pretends to be annoyed, he really isn't at all. He loves getting them because they cheer him up, make him feel better when he's down and give him energy. The texts remind him of the Baekhyun who stuffed snacks in his pockets before dance practice and shared it with Jongdae when the instructor couldn't see. "You look like you could use some energy," Baekhyun would say and sneak a protein bar for his friend.
It's past eleven at night when Jongdae gets yet another text from Baekhyun, once again asking him how he is. Jongdae sighs to himself, but can't help a smile from spreading on his lips.
To: Baek
u already asked how i was five times today. also its late, why r u still up
From: Baek
i know but i just want to make sure you're still ok. how am i supposed to know your mood hasn't changed since the last time i asked?
To: Baek
most ppl don't feel the need to know another person's mood at every point of day
From: Baek
well i do. bc you're my fave ♥ (but pls don't tell chanyeol bc i told him that too less than ten minutes ago)
To: Baek
am i supposed to be jealous?
From: Baek
no i only said that bc i wanted him to buy food. i go to extreme lengths for free food as you know
To: Baek
how do i know you're not telling me i'm your fave just bc you need something from me?
From: Baek
bc ♥♥♥ daebaek is true shit ♥♥♥ ilu asshole come back soon i miss your stupid face
To: Baek
♥♥♥ same u lil shit ♥♥♥ now go to bed you have show champion tomorrow
Jongdae rolls around to lie on his stomach and puts his phone away after receiving one more heart emoticon from Baekhyun. He stares at the wall contemplatively, wondering why he feels somewhat strange. He isn't giddy, he doesn't feel like hugging his pillows and rolling around or alternatively swimming across the sea just to get to Baekhyun. What he feels is the familiar kind of warmth inside him, comfortable and assuring - the kind of warmth he has learnt to associate with his best friend, Byun Baekhyun. He also feels homesick. He misses Seoul, his family, and, of course, he misses Baekhyun, too.
✄
Jongdae's mother has always adored Baekhyun. Ever since she once came to visit her son at the dorm room which he shared with Baekhyun, she has talked about Baekhyun like she talks about Jongdae to his grandmother, almost as if Baekhyun were her third son. Baekhyun totally charmed her right away by smiling the whole time, chatting with her politely and cracking jokes (appropriate ones instead of his usual, very questionable ones, because he's actually a very considerate and well-behaved guy, albeit only when he wants to be), and when he eventually left to go hang out with his other friends in order to give Jongdae time with his mother, she couldn't stop praising Baekhyun and his manners. The Baekhyun Trap has always been a force to be reckoned with, a force even Jongdae's mother couldn't escape.
After that day, Jongdae's mother has taken to asking her son about Baekhyun ever single time she calls. When Jongdae is in China, she switches to only calling Baekhyun to hear how her son is doing, claiming it's all because international calls are so expensive. Jongdae believes that's one part of the truth, but he also knows that his mother has a huge soft spot for Baekhyun, and having an excuse to call him every other day is just about the best thing she could have asked for.
"All we ever talk about is you," Baekhyun tells him when Jongdae complains about Baekhyun getting to talk to her more often than her own son. "She says she just likes it when I talk about you."
When Jongdae calls his mother, for example to ask about something he's cooking, Baekhyun always appears out of nowhere to greet her cheerfully, and Jongdae's mother eats it all up. Who wouldn't like a suave charmer like Baekhyun?
"He's a really good boy," Jongdae's mother often says. "He cares about you a lot. Also, when I'm talking to him, it feels like he knows you even better than I do. I can feel how much he cares about you just by listening to his voice."
"No, Mom, you know me the best. Baek can be second," Jongdae insists every time.
✄
On his first birthday after joining EXO, Jongdae gets ten (like they always seem to do, Jongin and Sehun joined forces to buy him a present) perfect presents. They are all things he actually likes, needs, and has been contemplating buying. Headphones, CD's, an English phrasebook, clothes by his favorite brands, his favorite snacks - Jongdae gets way more than he would ever have asked for. He is rendered speechless when one member after another gives him their present, and although Jongdae has never been the one whose heart can be moved with material goods nor the kind of kid who waits for Christmas just for the presents' sake, he can't help but feel touched.
"I had no idea you knew me so well," he mumbles in amazement. "How did you know what to buy me? Am I the only one who sucks at presents?"
All he gets are sheepish grins all around the room. He doesn't understand their meaning until a couple of days later when Zitao accidentally spills the beans. "Baekhyun was right, yellow does look good on you," he notes when they're having a break during practice. Jongdae glances down at the sweater he is wearing, the one he got from Zitao on his birthday. "I was going to buy black because black goes well with everything, but then Baekhyun... oops."
Jongdae narrows his eyes in suspicion. "Baekhyun what?"
Zitao covers his mouth and looks down. "I wasn't supposed to say that."
Jongdae takes a moment to assess the information, and then looks up at Zitao, amused. "So you don't know me as well as I thought," he muses. "I was wondering how come you knew I like this brand. I thought you had been keeping an eye on my fashion."
"I'm not the only one who cheated!" Zitao defends himself right away. "Everyone else did, too!"
He realizes that he has only managed to dig his grave deeper, and in the process he has also thrown all the other members under the bus as well. He bites his lip and curses himself in silent Chinese. "Well, anyway. Baekhyun picked all of it," he finally confesses once he has concluded that since the cat is already out of the bag, there is no way to force it back in. "He spent the week before your birthday running around the city because he wanted us to buy you nice things and not just random junk. He told us not to tell you, though. But... yeah."
Now that Jongdae thinks about it, it's weird he didn't pick up on it earlier. He had barely seen Baekhyun that week outside of their schedules. "You guys are all cheaters," he accuses, but he does it fondly, and reaches out to ruffle Zitao's hair. "Idiots."
"You're under a lot of pressure now, you know," Zitao says. "You need to do the same for Baekhyun on his birthday. You should start making a list of present candidates, or something."
That Jongdae does. He still has plenty of time before Baekhyun's birthday, but he still meticulously takes note of every little thing Baekhyun mentions, and every single thing he stops to look at when they sneak out to do some shopping on their day off. Jongdae doesn't think he's ever prepared so much for anyone's birthday, but he supposes Baekhyun is a special case. He's Jongdae's best friend, after all.
✄
When EXO wins for the first time with Wolf, neither Jongdae nor Baekhyun cry on stage. Joonmyun cries enough for the both of them anyway, as do Jongin and Chanyeol. As awards keep coming, they still don't cry. At the end of 2013, which is said to go down in history as EXO's year, they win big awards, ones that some of their label mates spent years trying to receive. EXO is less than two years old, yet there they are, standing on stage, holding the award for the Best Album of the Year. Joonmyun doesn't cry, which is surprising. Many others do, though, and even Baekhyun, whom their fans have taken to calling 'the one who never cries', is seen wiping at the corners of his eyes when he thinks no camera can catch it.
Jongdae stays close to him, wraps an arm around his best friend's waist and smiles so wide his cheeks hurt. To be honest, Jongdae feels like crying, too, his eyes sting and there's a funny feeling at the back of his throat, but he can't cry, not when Baekhyun is crying. One of them has to hold it together, and this time it's Jongdae's turn. They get separated by Minseok during Joonmyun's (surprisingly calm and composed) speech, but once it's Kris' turn, Jongdae attaches him to Baekhyun's side, back-hugging him even if it's just for the sake of keeping himself together.
It's a tradition of theirs to go sit on the balcony once they return to the dorms after receiving a big award. That's what they do this time, too, wrapped up in their winter coats and sitting on the cold floor, looking up at the sky and leaning on each other. That's when they both cry, openly, not trying to hold it in anymore because there's no point. Neither of them is good at crying, especially when they feel like they don't have the right to cry when they clearly haven't been through as much as all the other members, but when it's just the two of them, there's no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. Excluding his family, Baekhyun is the only person who has ever seen Jongdae cry.
"It's been hours and I still can't believe it," Baekhyun confesses when they've both run out of tears. Jongdae gives hands him a tissue from the box he managed to grab before he was dragged to the balcony. Their tradition is rather weird, the more you think about it, as it only consists of the two of them wailing like two big babies, not saying a word until their eyes are puffy and red and their makeup has long since spilled down their cheeks.
"We're in one hell of a group," Jongdae replies, nuzzling his face closer to Baekhyun's neck because his nose is freezing. Baekhyun jumps at the coldness but doesn't swat his friend away like he normally would, probably because his head isn't quite there. He's still reeling, just like Jongdae, and trying to pull himself together.
Jongdae thinks about lying on the practice room floor with Baekhyun, both feeling half-dead, with every muscle of their body burning. Feeling half-dead, however, means you're still feeling half-alive, and so they always pulled themselves back up, restarted the music and kept going until the last drop of their energy was gone and they just wanted to fall asleep on the floor instead of heading to the dorms. He thinks about Baekhyun losing his voice due to overexerting it because his vocal coach just wouldn't let him off the hook, and then getting scolded for not taking care of his most important possession. Jongdae thinks about wobbling to dance practice, feeling feverish, and getting Baekhyun to fuss over him in the bathroom, armed with some pills and a thermometer. Jongdae remembers a lot of things, and although he knows experiencing them for less than a year hardly gives him the right to compare himself to any of his bandmates, he still knows neither he nor Baekhyun got a free pass to fame.
"Thank you," he eventually says, turning to look at Baekhyun. "I wouldn't be here without you. Honestly."
Baekhyun laughs at that, but it sounds more like a choke because somehow he's still crying even though there are no tears. He can't get a single word out, but Jongdae thinks he understands. That's why they are best friends: because they understand each other even without words.
✄
"Chanyeol," Jongdae decides to ask one day because Chanyeol is a close friend of not only his but Baekhyun's, too, "do you think I could be in love with Baekhyun?"
Ever since they won the award, the thought has crossed his mind more frequently. He isn't sure what to make of it, he isn't sure if there even is such a possibility that he might think of Baekhyun as something more than just a friend. Still, the thought nags at him sometimes, when he finds himself looking at Baekhyun longer than he should, and feeling strangely content like that, as if just being able to see Baekhyun were enough to guarantee his life-long happiness. It's weird, and Jongdae, having always been a curious person, needs to find a name to put on that feeling.
Chanyeol, strumming on his guitar in concentration, lifts his head in surprise, and narrows his eyes at Jongdae. "What are you talking about?"
"I've just been thinking about it," Jongdae tells him, pursing his lips in thought. "What do you think? Am I in love with Baekhyun?"
"How am I supposed to know that?" Chanyeol asks incredulously. Jongdae frowns, so Chanyeol lets out a sigh and puts his guitar away. "Well, okay then. When he touches you, do you get nervous? Does your heart speed up? Are there butterflies in your stomach?"
Jongdae pouts, thinking hard. "No," he answers after he has spent a moment mulling it over. "But is it really just like that? I have to get a stomach ache from looking at him, an irregular heartbeat and mental instability, too, and then I'll know I'm in love with him?"
Now Chanyeol frowns. "You make it sound like a disease."
"No, you make it sound like a disease. Like, if you came to me telling your stomach feels like there are butterflies there, you're fidgety around your best friend for no reason, get sweaty palms when it's freezing cold and your heart's pounding irregularly, I'd call 911 right away, and possibly go pick a coffin for you, too."
Those are exactly the kind of things Jongdae expected himself to feel when he would fall in love. He thought he would get the butterflies, be all giddy every hour of the day and spend his time trying to calm down his rapidly beating heart. Now, however, it all just sounds weird. Unnatural.
Chanyeol pulls a face, looking completely unimpressed. "Then why do you suspect yourself of being in love with Baekhyun if you don't even have any of the symptoms?"
Jongdae isn't really sure. He supposes it's because of the warm fondness he feels at the bottom of his stomach when Baekhyun falls asleep on his shoulder, and the smile that creeps on his lips when Baekhyun smiles, the shivers of some odd kind of pleasure he gets when Baekhyun sings, and how it's so easy for him to reach for Baekhyun's hand no matter where they are. There are many things that have led Jongdae to think he might be in love with Baekhyun, somehow, but his kind of love doesn't seem to be the right kind of love, the strong kind of love that causes Chanyeol, among other people, to feel sick and have symptoms that would make Jongdae think he has some kind of a problem with his heart. A medical problem, that is.
"Maybe it's just because you guys are such close friends," Chanyeol suggests after a couple of minutes when Jongdae still hasn't said anything. "It can be confusing, you know. And Baekhyun himself is confusing as hell."
That he is, Jongdae agrees absentmindedly but somehow he still isn't completely convinced.
✄
He asks a few more members, but this time, he doesn't mention Baekhyun's name. "How do I know that I'm in love with someone?" he asks nearly everyone, but none of the answers he gets seem to be enough.
Butterflies. Cold shivers. Nervousness. Feeling like walking on clouds (according to Yixing), on candy floss (Zitao) or on a waterbed (Sehun). Wanting to impress the other person. Wanting to be a better person. Seeing everything in pink (which in Jongdae's opinion sounds particularly weird). Getting electric shocks or tingles or something like that from touching the other person. Feeling uncharacteristically happy all the time.
When Jongdae looks at Baekhyun, touches Baekhyun, thinks about Baekhyun, it's all the same: he feels warm and comfortable, and just... good. There are no jolts, his heart doesn't do somersault, his mind doesn't go on overdrive. He just feels right, and if that isn't love, then Jongdae honestly doesn't know what is. It can't be just friendship because he doesn't feel the same around Chanyeol, for example, let alone his choir friends whom he has known for much longer than Baekhyun.
When Kris starts telling him about flowers blooming inside his soul and whatever, Jongdae decides none of his band mates has an answer for him. He thanks Kris for his effort, and none the wiser, he decides to suck up his pride and go to the only person in the world who can possibly give him a good answer.
"Baekhyun, how do you know you're in love?"
Baekhyun sits up on his bed, looking up from his laptop. He thinks about it for a while, and unlike everyone else Jongdae has asked so far, he doesn't give Jongdae any strange looks. "For me, it's when you look at someone when they're asleep, and you realize you're just content like that. The time could stop, and you probably wouldn't even notice."
That sounds more like it. Jongdae remembers practice rooms, curling up against Baekhyun's sweaty body which was kind of gross but then again not really, because it was so natural. He thinks about crying on the balcony with Baekhyun, which should also be uncomfortable, but it isn't. There are so many things that cross his mind, and every single one of his memories is marked with that familiar feeling of deep fondness he has grown to associate with Baekhyun.
“It’s like, life’s easier with them, somehow?” Baekhyun continues thoughtfully. “Even when the world feels like such a shitty place, having that one person near just makes it bearable.”
That sounds right, too, so right that it’s startling.
“And I don’t know, that person just makes you happy even when they don’t do anything special. Just having them in the same room makes you feel better about yourself, as if they completed you in some strange way,” Baekhyun finishes, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “That was so cheesy. I’m pretty embarrassed right now, and I’m never embarrassed so that says a lot.”
Jongdae is silent for a couple of seconds, trying to think even though his mind is pretty blank, and then decides to say what he has been thinking about for the past few weeks, or maybe even longer.
"Baekhyun," Jongdae begins. He has never struggled trying to tell Baekhyun something, it has always been so easy because he knows that although Baekhyun might sneer at him or make fun of him a bit, he's still the one who understands Jongdae the best. Now, however, Jongdae isn't quite sure how he is supposed to begin, so he decides to cut to the chase, or else he’s probably going to try to laugh it all off and chicken out. "There are no butterflies in my stomach when I look you in the eye like this, and I don't feel electrocuted or whatever when you touch me, and the ground doesn't suddenly turn into a waterbed filled with candy floss and clouds when we're in the same room, but I still think I might love you. Kind of, I guess."
It comes out of the blue to the both of them. Jongdae isn’t sure why he felt the need to say all that right in this moment. The confession feels strange and out of place, like it was done on a whim in the wrong situation. Jongdae regrets briefly, and feels a little nervous, too. It really isn’t a very nice feeling.
Baekhyun's eyes widen as he sits up on the bed, trying to grasp at what Jongdae has just said. "That’s kind of sudden,” he says, tilting his head. “But what makes you think that?"
"Because..." Jongdae trails off, suddenly self-conscious, but after a moment, he soldiers on. "Because everything you said just now, it applies to the way I feel way better than the other guys’ romcom bullshit. And then the words kind of, flew out.”
It only then crosses his mind that maybe confessing to your best friend isn’t the most brilliant idea because it could change things, make everything awkward and weird. He regrets his impromptu moment of truth for approximately ten more seconds before he registers Baekhyun closing his laptop and looking at him mischievously.
“Well, that took you long enough, Captain Obvious,” he says. “So do I finally get to kiss you?”
Jongdae is surprised by the eagerness with which he nods, and Baekhyun laughs at him, and so they just slip into the upgrade of their relationship, lips melting against each other (after a few attempts ruined by their noses and laughter). It feels right, so perfectly right that Jongdae wonders why it took him so long to realize what was standing right in front of him.
He never falls for Baekhyun. For him, the process of love isn't like tripping on his feet in while going down the stairs, heart stopping from shock in the middle of the fall, a few bones possibly breaking in the process yet still feeling happy when he reaches the ground because wow, I'm still alive. Instead, it's like a natural process that starts from the first moment his eyes land on Baekhyun, and goes from there, at crawling speed, so slowly that he doesn't even notice that something is changing before it already has. He never develops a crush on Baekhyun, so there are no butterflies, no tingling touches, no shy pink dusting his cheeks at any point. He skips that step, and goes straight for something deeper, something more meaningful. Yixing can keep his clouds, Sehun his waterbed, Zitao his candy floss and Kris his flowers, because Jongdae is perfectly happy with his comfortable love for his best friend.