Oneshot : Heart a Mess
Title: Heart a Mess
Author:pink_stitchy
Beta :ryokawa619
Pairing: YamaJima, slight TakaYama
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Word Count: 3,500
Summary: When Yamada was admitted into hospital after an 'accident', Nakajima had taken responsibility as a classmate for sending him note and homework. Little by little he started to drawn into Yamada, even though he knew that Yamada was in relationship with Takaki. But what Nakajima doesn't know about Yamada is, he wasn't the guy that Nakajima think he is.
The boy soundlessly opened the sliding door and let himself in before he closed it back. He then approached a single white sheet bed matching the side table and put the flowers on top of it. The floral curtain hanging by the window still faithfully covering the sunlight from penetrating into that small room, making it look a little bit darker.
He took off his school blazer, fold it into two and lay it on the chair beside the bed. Next he rolled up his white shirt sleeve up to his elbow, loosen up his neck tie and picked up the flowers that he just brought in. On the way to the bathroom, he took the tall crystal vase which contains a dozen of withered red roses.
After spending few minutes in the bathroom, he then went out holding the same crystal vase but with fresh flowers in it. Carrying it carefully, he then placed it on top of the side table. He looked at the fresh flowers with a satisfied smile curved on his lips.
As if he was pleased with his own flower arrangement, he then pulled the chair next to the bed and sat. To take his time, he took out a white covered book from his school and started to read where he stopped last night. Reading the same book for almost 3 weeks now is quite unusual for him since he is a fast reader. It usually only takes approximately 2 weeks for him to finish a book, but this time it took longer than usual. Maybe because that book is a lot thicker... or was it because he couldn’t keep his mind on the story? It seems like lately he always gets drifted away in his own thoughts.
And it’s because the smaller boy that’s peacefully sleeping on the single bed in front of him. When he realized that he keeps reading the same line over and over again, he then closed the book, put it back inside his bag and stared at the boy who’s sleeping on the bed.
He started from the face, rant to his eyes, to that boy’s perfect nose, his pale cheek, his eyelids with long eyelashes, his tiny lips that seem a little bit dry yet despite that flaw, all those features still create a perfect cute face that could shake any person’s heart just by laying his deep set eyes on them.
Moving his eyes downward, he silently watched that smaller boy’s chest. It moved up and down of about the same interval and without him realizing it, his breathing pattern had been synchronized with the boy on the bed. When his eyes caught the frail wrist binded with a white bandage, his happy look changed.
Biting his lower lip, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what really happened to the boy on the bed.
“Nakajima-Kun” The boy on the bed suddenly voiced out, pulling him from his thought.
“G-Good morning” though stuttered, he still managed to greet the older boy.
The boy on the bed chuckled, “It’s already evening”
He looked at his watched and sheepishly grin, “Gomen, I mean good evening Yamada-Kun”
“Good Evening Nakajima-Kun”
With Nakajima’s help, Yamada then sat on the bed with a pillow supporting his back. He looked to the table beside his bed and notices the fresh new flower in the vase. He picked up one of the flowers and bring it closer to his nose. He took a long deep, breath as if he is inhaling the power coming from the flower and smile.
“So today is Daisy?” Yamada asked while his hand caressing the white daisy.
Nakajima nodded his head “Daisy represents purity, innocence, loyal love, beauty, patience and simplicity. Somehow I think the flower suits you”
Yamada stayed silent for a while, deeply thinking of something.
Realizing he had said something that bothers Yamada, Nakajima quickly changed the topic. He took out a pile of paper from his school bag and place it beside Yamada.
“Today’s note and homework. I did make some notes from the previous class for you.”
“Thank you, Nakajima-Kun. How’s everyone in the class?”
“Noisy as always, but they did say they missed you and hope you can get back to school soon”
It’s been almost a month Yamada went absent from school and he been admitted into hospital for solid 3 weeks. And for that 3 weeks, Nakajima keep coming to the hospital everyday bringing the notes and homeworks for Yamada. At first he only did it as replacement for Chinen Yuri, Yamada best friend who suddenly got caught up with his club meetings.
But after seeing Yamada during his first time visiting, something change in Nakajima. He remembers perfectly how Yamada look that day, he was like an empty shell lying lifelessly on the bed. As if the strength to go on living had evaporated from inside him. He doesn’t even talk to Nakajima, he just seated there on his bed, staring at the window. But Nakajima knows Yamada wasn’t really staring at the window, he actually was looking at nothing.
When seeing the lifeless Yamada, Nakajima’s heart suddenly aches. He doesn’t know why, but he hates seeing that empty and lonely look worn by Yamada. From the beginning he wasn’t that close with him even though they were in the same class for almost 3 years. He knows Yamada, only as a classmate and they barely talked to each other. But he did notice the change that took place in Yamada, especially this past 2 month.
For the first month, Yamada’s attitude started to change. He doesn’t speak to any of his classmate anymore like he used to do. He stops making jokes with others, he refuses to take part in any class activities and it was as if he was being shutting himself down from others. And the most annoying and irritating change that bothers Nakajima was when Yamada stopped flashing those big smile on his face. Nakajima doesn’t realize it until then that he actually loves those sweet and lovely smile that Yamada always shown.
And during the first week of the second months, Yamada suddenly stop coming to school. No one knows what actually happened to him, except Chinen and his homeroom teacher. When someone tries to asked what had happened towards Yamada, Chinen usually come up with an excuse saying he having a fever. Awkwardly Nakajima knew that it wasn’t exactly the reason why Yamada skipped school. There is another reason for Yamada’s absence, but he didn’t bother to asked Chinen about that.
So after visiting Yamada, Nakajima decided he needs to know the truth what had happened to Yamada. He confronts Chinen and asked him about the matter. At first Chinen comes up with the same excuse, saying Yamada having a fever and stuff. Then Nakajima started to ask about the change that happened to Yamada, how he began acting cold towards other people around him. Giving up to his persistence, Chinen finally told him what really happened,
“You’re right, he wasn’t admitted because of the fever. He was admitted into hospital because Yamada’s mother found him lying in the pool of blood inside his bathroom. Yamada cut his wrist, with a razor blade.”
“Cut his wrist!?” Yuto shouted
Chinen nodded his head, “Thank God his mother found him sooner, if not...”
“Was he trying to commit suicide?”
Lifting his shoulder, Chinen continue to speak “No one knows about that, he doesn’t said a word about it. In fact he doesn’t say a word about anything since that day”
Curious about what happened Nakajima try to dig deeper “Do you know what cause him to change?”
“I know, it’s because Takaki Yuya”
Takaki Yuya was a sempai at their school, he’s two years older than them. Everyone knows him since he was a school prefect and also President of student council. He was known as the perfect student and everyone seem to like him, including Yamada. They were close to each other even though they were in different grade.
Even after Takaki left school, he still had a closed relationship with Yamada. And during their second year Yamada started going out with Takaki. Nakajima knew about their relationship because he once saw them in the café. From the way Takaki care Yamada’s hand, Nakajima know that it wasn’t just a normal sempai - kouhai relationship.
“Anu, Nakajima-Kun can you open the curtain for me? It’s quite dark in here” Yamada asked.
Nakajima move towards the window, slide the curtain to the side and tie it up. He then opens the window and let the autumn breeze slip into the room.
Yamada closed his eyes and let the wind sweep over his face, “I missed walking outside”
“Do you want to go outside?” Nakajima asked when he sat back on the chair.
Nodding his head, Yamada continue “We used to walked in the near by park, watching the trees and the birds. It was such a great feeling”
Nakajima shifted his eyes from Yamada’s face and looked at his shoe while he tightly clenching his fist, he knows exactly who “we” Yamada is referring to. It was him and Takaki. Whenever they had their conversation, regardless the topic, Yamada always making sure he won’t forget to mention about Takaki. It’s like Takaki’s name was something that he must say or else his sentence won’t be complete. And that thing really bothers Nakajima, tremendously!
But he couldn’t stop Yamada from saying that guy’s name; he doesn’t have the right to do that. He is just a mere classmate who happened to be the only person that Yamada want to talk to. Nothing more than that, so he will just sit there and listen to Yamada with a fake smile on his face.
“You must think I’m pathetic, don’t you?” Yamada asked, as if he could see how unsettled Nakajima was each time he mentions Takaki’s name.
Nakajima tilted his head and looked at Yamada, “No, I don’t”
Yamada chuckle seeing Nakajima’s awry look.
“I’m pathetic, I know. You see, this wasn’t the first time Yuya cheated on me, in fact he has been doing that countless of time already. I know he was cheating on me, sleeping around with different girls behind my back. The first time I knew about it, I decided to break up with him, but it only lasted for a day when I realize I couldn’t live without him. So I went back to him and we never talked about that matter again.”
Yamada’s voice started to change, but he continued to speak.
“Sometimes I would hear him talking on the phone with another girl just after having sex. But I pretend like I heard nothing, I just close my eyes tightly and escape into another world. I even reach to a point where I couldn’t distinguish my feelings. I don’t even know whether the feelings I have for him is love or just nothing. It was like my heart couldn’t feel anything anymore. So I just let him used me whenever he wanted to. I don’t care, because it doesn’t hurt anymore.”
Caressing his right wrist, “So I tried to hurt myself, physically. Just to verify whether I could still feel the real pain or not. It’s funny you know, I felt the pain, my nerve sending alarm to my head, warning me to stop cutting myself. But I just couldn’t stop, even after the blood gush out of my wrist. I keep pressing the blade until I passed out. Then I realized something, it wasn’t just my heart but my mind, my body, the whole me was already a mess”
Slowly Yamada pulled both of his legs, wrapped his arm around it and buried his face. His back started to shake and sobbing sound filled the silence.
Instinctively, Nakajima climbed into Yamada’s bed. He wrapped both of his arm around Yamada’s trembling shoulder and kissed that older boy’s ear, tenderly. They stayed in that position for a while, sharing each other’s warmth, lost in their own imaginary world.
“If you’re a mess then let me fix you” Slowly Nakajima whispers his words into Yamada’s ear. Hoping that somehow it will reach his heart.
Yamada turned his face to his side facing Nakajima, he felt Nakajima’s lips brushing his pale cheek as he turned.
“Let me in to where only your thoughts are. I want to occupy your mind so that you wouldn’t need to think about the pain anymore. Allow me to pick up every pieces of your heart and put it back together and fill it with my love” Nakajima’s words left Yamada speechless.
Tears spill from Yamada’s eyes, run smoothly to his cheek and lost into the bed sheet. Nakajima cupped Yamada’s face with both of his hands and pulled it closer to his. So close that they could feel each other warm breath.
The sound of someone opening the door distracted them. They looked at the entrance before Yamada quickly pulled himself away from Nakajima.
“Yuya” Yamada’s lips half open seeing the person standing at the entrance.
An awkward silent hang in the air, none of them utter a single word.
Finally Nakajima made his move, standing up from the bed, pick up his school bag lying on the floor and made his way toward the door.
He then stopped halfway, “See you tomorrow, Yamada-Kun”
Takaki moved aside, made some space for Nakajima to leave. They exchange looks for a while before Nakajima stepped out of the room and closed the sliding door.
***
Just when he was half way to the train station, Nakajima suddenly realizes that he left his blazer in Yamada’s room. Hesitant at first, he then finally decides to go back. As he reaches the hospital’s main entrance, he heard someone calling his name. Looking to the side, he saw Takaki leaning by the pillar.
“You’re Nakajima Yuto, right?”
Nakajima nodded his head; he then walked toward that brownish hair guy.
“How you know my name?” Nakajima asked.
“I’m ex-president of student council, remember? So I practically knew everyone. Besides, I have good memory with people’s name and faces”
Takaki then took a box of Seven Star cigarette from his jacket pocket, put one between his lips and lit it, using slender silver lighter. Nakajima watched silently as the smoke rise from the tip of Takaki’s narrow cigarette and drift away on the wind.
“You and Ryosuke, do you guys have some kind of relationship?” Takaki asked after puff long smoke through his lips.
“I don’t see why I need to explain what kind of relationship we have, especially to you” Nakajima voice sound firm.
Takaki giggled, “You’re right about that. But let me tell you something about him, that guy is a mess. He wasn’t just a normal mess, but a total mess.”
Pointing to his temple “Inside here”
“He already knew that I couldn’t stick to a single person, in fact I warned him about this before we date. And you know what, he said he is fine with it. He doesn’t mind me sleeping around with other girls even though I’m with him. As long as I don’t leave him, he will just pretend that all those things didn’t happen”
Nakajima felt his whole body trembling as he listened to Takaki. Without he even realize it, his right hand already clench on Takaki’s jacket,
“It because he loves you, baka!!”
With a smirk on his face, Takaki just let Nakajima shove him towards the wall,
“Love me? I forgot to tell you another thing about Ryosuke. He couldn’t love anyone, including himself and he told me this himself. The only reason why he clung to our relationship was because he enjoys the pain. You should see all those bruises and scar that he hides under his clothes, it’s a proof how he really enjoys hurting himself. Just this time, he went a little bit further.”
Slowly Nakajima let go of Takaki’s jacket and step back from that guy.
“Here’s an advice from me, stay away from him. Before it’s too let, before you drown yourself into his darkness” After crushing the cigarette but with his boot, Takaki then steppped away leaving the confused Nakajima behind still trying to comprehend Takaki’s words.
***
“Anou Nakajima -Kun” Chinen’s small voice suddenly pulled Nakajima from his reverie.
He stared at Chinen’s face “What is it?”
“Are you going to hospital after this?”
Chinen’s question suddenly reminds him that they already finished with their classes. Nakajima doesn’t know how long he was drifted away in his own thought. In fact for that whole day, he couldn’t pay attention towards their lessons. Takaki’s words from yesterday keep lingering in his mind for the whole time.
“Y-yeah, I’m going to hospital” Nakajima rose up and start packing his stuff.
“I think you shouldn’t go to the hospital, today”
Nakajima frown “Why?”
“I’m sorry, it not just for today, in fact you should stop seeing Yamada. He doesn’t want you to go near him anymore, he said this himself”
Nakajima’s hands stop moving; the books that he was holding slip from his hand and fell on the table.
“He doesn’t want me to go near him anymore?!”Nakajima repeat Chinen’s words.
Chinen nodded his head; he then put a paper bag on top of Nakajima’s table, before he left the classroom
“Yama-Chan asked me to give you this”
With his hand trembling, Nakajima slowly open the paper bag and took a peek inside. It was his school blazer that he left at Yamada’s room yesterday and pieces of white paper folded into two. He stare at the paper bag content for a while before he took the piece of paper and open it. It was a one piece paper written with a black ink pen,
Nakajima-Kun,
After you left yesterday, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of you. Those lovely and meaningful words that you said keep playing in my head like I was listening to my favorite song. It was the first time someone said such thing to me. Your words, it makes me feel like I am needed. It makes me feel like I’m a person. And when you hold me, my heart suddenly stop beating, your warmth comforted me and I wanted to stay like that forever in your arms.
But I couldn’t do that, because I’m a mess. I don’t deserve someone like you, someone who’s got the eyes that see the world with wonder, someone who’s full of love and tender. You see I’m like a broken thing that couldn’t be fixed, because no matter how many times you try to fix me, in the end I’m still malfunctioned. Simply because I couldn’t be fixed, it wasn’t anyone fault though, not even Yuya’s. I’m a mess from the very beginning.
Even if I want to let you in into my labyrinth, I couldn’t find the key. I forget where I put the key to my messy heart, I tried to search for it the whole night, drawing every stock of my memories, taking a peek into the bottomless well but still I couldn’t find it. I want to let you in, occupy my messed mind but at the same time half part of me doesn’t want it. The half part of me, which is the only part of me that still functions right now know that if I let you in, I might mess you up as well.
I’m not the person you think I am. On the surface I might seem to be a normal person with a cheerful smile and laugh. But under those fakings, I’m a total mess. If I let you love me, let you fill my empty heart with all your love and affection, I might end up draining you out. Because I couldn’t give you anything in return, since there is nothing in me. Inside me there’s nothing but a bottomless darkness.
Can I ask a favor from you, then? Can you turn your back and start walking away from me? even if you don’t want to, you have to. It’s for your own good. Leave me while you can, before I completely drown you into my world of chaos, before I start to clinging to you like I’ve been clutching to you blazer last night so that I can fall asleep . That is how much I’m already addicted to you.
So the best thing you should-no, I mean you MUST do is to walk away from me. And never look back, because if you do, I might only mess you up.
Thank you for everything.
Nakajima read the letter one more time from the beginning to then end and returned it into the paper bag. He took his blazer and brought it closer to his nose. Yamada’s scent was still there, lingering on his blazer.
“I don’t mind to be messed up by you, Yamada Ryosuke”
-end-
Note:
1)The ending..I know it come a little to short (like what Jane said). But I think sometime it a good thing to have such an ending. it's make you thinking what could possible happen next. sorry it just that I got a little bit carry away with the books that I read recently which of course had a 'hanging ending'. Please don't hate me for ending the story like this *puppy eye*
2)I personally like Yamada's character here (even tough I'm the one who wrote it). The darkness and the pain that he had inside him, somehow amuse me. And Yuto as always, someone who full of love and tenderness..
3)Actually this story was inspired from a song. heart a mess by Gotye. You should listen to it, such a great song.
4)Okay enough with me, rambling. I hope you will enjoy this story as much as I do. Please do share with me how you felt about this story.Comment and criticism are most welcome >,<
Author:pink_stitchy
Beta :ryokawa619
Pairing: YamaJima, slight TakaYama
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Word Count: 3,500
Summary: When Yamada was admitted into hospital after an 'accident', Nakajima had taken responsibility as a classmate for sending him note and homework. Little by little he started to drawn into Yamada, even though he knew that Yamada was in relationship with Takaki. But what Nakajima doesn't know about Yamada is, he wasn't the guy that Nakajima think he is.
The boy soundlessly opened the sliding door and let himself in before he closed it back. He then approached a single white sheet bed matching the side table and put the flowers on top of it. The floral curtain hanging by the window still faithfully covering the sunlight from penetrating into that small room, making it look a little bit darker.
He took off his school blazer, fold it into two and lay it on the chair beside the bed. Next he rolled up his white shirt sleeve up to his elbow, loosen up his neck tie and picked up the flowers that he just brought in. On the way to the bathroom, he took the tall crystal vase which contains a dozen of withered red roses.
After spending few minutes in the bathroom, he then went out holding the same crystal vase but with fresh flowers in it. Carrying it carefully, he then placed it on top of the side table. He looked at the fresh flowers with a satisfied smile curved on his lips.
As if he was pleased with his own flower arrangement, he then pulled the chair next to the bed and sat. To take his time, he took out a white covered book from his school and started to read where he stopped last night. Reading the same book for almost 3 weeks now is quite unusual for him since he is a fast reader. It usually only takes approximately 2 weeks for him to finish a book, but this time it took longer than usual. Maybe because that book is a lot thicker... or was it because he couldn’t keep his mind on the story? It seems like lately he always gets drifted away in his own thoughts.
And it’s because the smaller boy that’s peacefully sleeping on the single bed in front of him. When he realized that he keeps reading the same line over and over again, he then closed the book, put it back inside his bag and stared at the boy who’s sleeping on the bed.
He started from the face, rant to his eyes, to that boy’s perfect nose, his pale cheek, his eyelids with long eyelashes, his tiny lips that seem a little bit dry yet despite that flaw, all those features still create a perfect cute face that could shake any person’s heart just by laying his deep set eyes on them.
Moving his eyes downward, he silently watched that smaller boy’s chest. It moved up and down of about the same interval and without him realizing it, his breathing pattern had been synchronized with the boy on the bed. When his eyes caught the frail wrist binded with a white bandage, his happy look changed.
Biting his lower lip, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what really happened to the boy on the bed.
“Nakajima-Kun” The boy on the bed suddenly voiced out, pulling him from his thought.
“G-Good morning” though stuttered, he still managed to greet the older boy.
The boy on the bed chuckled, “It’s already evening”
He looked at his watched and sheepishly grin, “Gomen, I mean good evening Yamada-Kun”
“Good Evening Nakajima-Kun”
With Nakajima’s help, Yamada then sat on the bed with a pillow supporting his back. He looked to the table beside his bed and notices the fresh new flower in the vase. He picked up one of the flowers and bring it closer to his nose. He took a long deep, breath as if he is inhaling the power coming from the flower and smile.
“So today is Daisy?” Yamada asked while his hand caressing the white daisy.
Nakajima nodded his head “Daisy represents purity, innocence, loyal love, beauty, patience and simplicity. Somehow I think the flower suits you”
Yamada stayed silent for a while, deeply thinking of something.
Realizing he had said something that bothers Yamada, Nakajima quickly changed the topic. He took out a pile of paper from his school bag and place it beside Yamada.
“Today’s note and homework. I did make some notes from the previous class for you.”
“Thank you, Nakajima-Kun. How’s everyone in the class?”
“Noisy as always, but they did say they missed you and hope you can get back to school soon”
It’s been almost a month Yamada went absent from school and he been admitted into hospital for solid 3 weeks. And for that 3 weeks, Nakajima keep coming to the hospital everyday bringing the notes and homeworks for Yamada. At first he only did it as replacement for Chinen Yuri, Yamada best friend who suddenly got caught up with his club meetings.
But after seeing Yamada during his first time visiting, something change in Nakajima. He remembers perfectly how Yamada look that day, he was like an empty shell lying lifelessly on the bed. As if the strength to go on living had evaporated from inside him. He doesn’t even talk to Nakajima, he just seated there on his bed, staring at the window. But Nakajima knows Yamada wasn’t really staring at the window, he actually was looking at nothing.
When seeing the lifeless Yamada, Nakajima’s heart suddenly aches. He doesn’t know why, but he hates seeing that empty and lonely look worn by Yamada. From the beginning he wasn’t that close with him even though they were in the same class for almost 3 years. He knows Yamada, only as a classmate and they barely talked to each other. But he did notice the change that took place in Yamada, especially this past 2 month.
For the first month, Yamada’s attitude started to change. He doesn’t speak to any of his classmate anymore like he used to do. He stops making jokes with others, he refuses to take part in any class activities and it was as if he was being shutting himself down from others. And the most annoying and irritating change that bothers Nakajima was when Yamada stopped flashing those big smile on his face. Nakajima doesn’t realize it until then that he actually loves those sweet and lovely smile that Yamada always shown.
And during the first week of the second months, Yamada suddenly stop coming to school. No one knows what actually happened to him, except Chinen and his homeroom teacher. When someone tries to asked what had happened towards Yamada, Chinen usually come up with an excuse saying he having a fever. Awkwardly Nakajima knew that it wasn’t exactly the reason why Yamada skipped school. There is another reason for Yamada’s absence, but he didn’t bother to asked Chinen about that.
So after visiting Yamada, Nakajima decided he needs to know the truth what had happened to Yamada. He confronts Chinen and asked him about the matter. At first Chinen comes up with the same excuse, saying Yamada having a fever and stuff. Then Nakajima started to ask about the change that happened to Yamada, how he began acting cold towards other people around him. Giving up to his persistence, Chinen finally told him what really happened,
“You’re right, he wasn’t admitted because of the fever. He was admitted into hospital because Yamada’s mother found him lying in the pool of blood inside his bathroom. Yamada cut his wrist, with a razor blade.”
“Cut his wrist!?” Yuto shouted
Chinen nodded his head, “Thank God his mother found him sooner, if not...”
“Was he trying to commit suicide?”
Lifting his shoulder, Chinen continue to speak “No one knows about that, he doesn’t said a word about it. In fact he doesn’t say a word about anything since that day”
Curious about what happened Nakajima try to dig deeper “Do you know what cause him to change?”
“I know, it’s because Takaki Yuya”
Takaki Yuya was a sempai at their school, he’s two years older than them. Everyone knows him since he was a school prefect and also President of student council. He was known as the perfect student and everyone seem to like him, including Yamada. They were close to each other even though they were in different grade.
Even after Takaki left school, he still had a closed relationship with Yamada. And during their second year Yamada started going out with Takaki. Nakajima knew about their relationship because he once saw them in the café. From the way Takaki care Yamada’s hand, Nakajima know that it wasn’t just a normal sempai - kouhai relationship.
“Anu, Nakajima-Kun can you open the curtain for me? It’s quite dark in here” Yamada asked.
Nakajima move towards the window, slide the curtain to the side and tie it up. He then opens the window and let the autumn breeze slip into the room.
Yamada closed his eyes and let the wind sweep over his face, “I missed walking outside”
“Do you want to go outside?” Nakajima asked when he sat back on the chair.
Nodding his head, Yamada continue “We used to walked in the near by park, watching the trees and the birds. It was such a great feeling”
Nakajima shifted his eyes from Yamada’s face and looked at his shoe while he tightly clenching his fist, he knows exactly who “we” Yamada is referring to. It was him and Takaki. Whenever they had their conversation, regardless the topic, Yamada always making sure he won’t forget to mention about Takaki. It’s like Takaki’s name was something that he must say or else his sentence won’t be complete. And that thing really bothers Nakajima, tremendously!
But he couldn’t stop Yamada from saying that guy’s name; he doesn’t have the right to do that. He is just a mere classmate who happened to be the only person that Yamada want to talk to. Nothing more than that, so he will just sit there and listen to Yamada with a fake smile on his face.
“You must think I’m pathetic, don’t you?” Yamada asked, as if he could see how unsettled Nakajima was each time he mentions Takaki’s name.
Nakajima tilted his head and looked at Yamada, “No, I don’t”
Yamada chuckle seeing Nakajima’s awry look.
“I’m pathetic, I know. You see, this wasn’t the first time Yuya cheated on me, in fact he has been doing that countless of time already. I know he was cheating on me, sleeping around with different girls behind my back. The first time I knew about it, I decided to break up with him, but it only lasted for a day when I realize I couldn’t live without him. So I went back to him and we never talked about that matter again.”
Yamada’s voice started to change, but he continued to speak.
“Sometimes I would hear him talking on the phone with another girl just after having sex. But I pretend like I heard nothing, I just close my eyes tightly and escape into another world. I even reach to a point where I couldn’t distinguish my feelings. I don’t even know whether the feelings I have for him is love or just nothing. It was like my heart couldn’t feel anything anymore. So I just let him used me whenever he wanted to. I don’t care, because it doesn’t hurt anymore.”
Caressing his right wrist, “So I tried to hurt myself, physically. Just to verify whether I could still feel the real pain or not. It’s funny you know, I felt the pain, my nerve sending alarm to my head, warning me to stop cutting myself. But I just couldn’t stop, even after the blood gush out of my wrist. I keep pressing the blade until I passed out. Then I realized something, it wasn’t just my heart but my mind, my body, the whole me was already a mess”
Slowly Yamada pulled both of his legs, wrapped his arm around it and buried his face. His back started to shake and sobbing sound filled the silence.
Instinctively, Nakajima climbed into Yamada’s bed. He wrapped both of his arm around Yamada’s trembling shoulder and kissed that older boy’s ear, tenderly. They stayed in that position for a while, sharing each other’s warmth, lost in their own imaginary world.
“If you’re a mess then let me fix you” Slowly Nakajima whispers his words into Yamada’s ear. Hoping that somehow it will reach his heart.
Yamada turned his face to his side facing Nakajima, he felt Nakajima’s lips brushing his pale cheek as he turned.
“Let me in to where only your thoughts are. I want to occupy your mind so that you wouldn’t need to think about the pain anymore. Allow me to pick up every pieces of your heart and put it back together and fill it with my love” Nakajima’s words left Yamada speechless.
Tears spill from Yamada’s eyes, run smoothly to his cheek and lost into the bed sheet. Nakajima cupped Yamada’s face with both of his hands and pulled it closer to his. So close that they could feel each other warm breath.
The sound of someone opening the door distracted them. They looked at the entrance before Yamada quickly pulled himself away from Nakajima.
“Yuya” Yamada’s lips half open seeing the person standing at the entrance.
An awkward silent hang in the air, none of them utter a single word.
Finally Nakajima made his move, standing up from the bed, pick up his school bag lying on the floor and made his way toward the door.
He then stopped halfway, “See you tomorrow, Yamada-Kun”
Takaki moved aside, made some space for Nakajima to leave. They exchange looks for a while before Nakajima stepped out of the room and closed the sliding door.
***
Just when he was half way to the train station, Nakajima suddenly realizes that he left his blazer in Yamada’s room. Hesitant at first, he then finally decides to go back. As he reaches the hospital’s main entrance, he heard someone calling his name. Looking to the side, he saw Takaki leaning by the pillar.
“You’re Nakajima Yuto, right?”
Nakajima nodded his head; he then walked toward that brownish hair guy.
“How you know my name?” Nakajima asked.
“I’m ex-president of student council, remember? So I practically knew everyone. Besides, I have good memory with people’s name and faces”
Takaki then took a box of Seven Star cigarette from his jacket pocket, put one between his lips and lit it, using slender silver lighter. Nakajima watched silently as the smoke rise from the tip of Takaki’s narrow cigarette and drift away on the wind.
“You and Ryosuke, do you guys have some kind of relationship?” Takaki asked after puff long smoke through his lips.
“I don’t see why I need to explain what kind of relationship we have, especially to you” Nakajima voice sound firm.
Takaki giggled, “You’re right about that. But let me tell you something about him, that guy is a mess. He wasn’t just a normal mess, but a total mess.”
Pointing to his temple “Inside here”
“He already knew that I couldn’t stick to a single person, in fact I warned him about this before we date. And you know what, he said he is fine with it. He doesn’t mind me sleeping around with other girls even though I’m with him. As long as I don’t leave him, he will just pretend that all those things didn’t happen”
Nakajima felt his whole body trembling as he listened to Takaki. Without he even realize it, his right hand already clench on Takaki’s jacket,
“It because he loves you, baka!!”
With a smirk on his face, Takaki just let Nakajima shove him towards the wall,
“Love me? I forgot to tell you another thing about Ryosuke. He couldn’t love anyone, including himself and he told me this himself. The only reason why he clung to our relationship was because he enjoys the pain. You should see all those bruises and scar that he hides under his clothes, it’s a proof how he really enjoys hurting himself. Just this time, he went a little bit further.”
Slowly Nakajima let go of Takaki’s jacket and step back from that guy.
“Here’s an advice from me, stay away from him. Before it’s too let, before you drown yourself into his darkness” After crushing the cigarette but with his boot, Takaki then steppped away leaving the confused Nakajima behind still trying to comprehend Takaki’s words.
***
“Anou Nakajima -Kun” Chinen’s small voice suddenly pulled Nakajima from his reverie.
He stared at Chinen’s face “What is it?”
“Are you going to hospital after this?”
Chinen’s question suddenly reminds him that they already finished with their classes. Nakajima doesn’t know how long he was drifted away in his own thought. In fact for that whole day, he couldn’t pay attention towards their lessons. Takaki’s words from yesterday keep lingering in his mind for the whole time.
“Y-yeah, I’m going to hospital” Nakajima rose up and start packing his stuff.
“I think you shouldn’t go to the hospital, today”
Nakajima frown “Why?”
“I’m sorry, it not just for today, in fact you should stop seeing Yamada. He doesn’t want you to go near him anymore, he said this himself”
Nakajima’s hands stop moving; the books that he was holding slip from his hand and fell on the table.
“He doesn’t want me to go near him anymore?!”Nakajima repeat Chinen’s words.
Chinen nodded his head; he then put a paper bag on top of Nakajima’s table, before he left the classroom
“Yama-Chan asked me to give you this”
With his hand trembling, Nakajima slowly open the paper bag and took a peek inside. It was his school blazer that he left at Yamada’s room yesterday and pieces of white paper folded into two. He stare at the paper bag content for a while before he took the piece of paper and open it. It was a one piece paper written with a black ink pen,
Nakajima-Kun,
After you left yesterday, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of you. Those lovely and meaningful words that you said keep playing in my head like I was listening to my favorite song. It was the first time someone said such thing to me. Your words, it makes me feel like I am needed. It makes me feel like I’m a person. And when you hold me, my heart suddenly stop beating, your warmth comforted me and I wanted to stay like that forever in your arms.
But I couldn’t do that, because I’m a mess. I don’t deserve someone like you, someone who’s got the eyes that see the world with wonder, someone who’s full of love and tender. You see I’m like a broken thing that couldn’t be fixed, because no matter how many times you try to fix me, in the end I’m still malfunctioned. Simply because I couldn’t be fixed, it wasn’t anyone fault though, not even Yuya’s. I’m a mess from the very beginning.
Even if I want to let you in into my labyrinth, I couldn’t find the key. I forget where I put the key to my messy heart, I tried to search for it the whole night, drawing every stock of my memories, taking a peek into the bottomless well but still I couldn’t find it. I want to let you in, occupy my messed mind but at the same time half part of me doesn’t want it. The half part of me, which is the only part of me that still functions right now know that if I let you in, I might mess you up as well.
I’m not the person you think I am. On the surface I might seem to be a normal person with a cheerful smile and laugh. But under those fakings, I’m a total mess. If I let you love me, let you fill my empty heart with all your love and affection, I might end up draining you out. Because I couldn’t give you anything in return, since there is nothing in me. Inside me there’s nothing but a bottomless darkness.
Can I ask a favor from you, then? Can you turn your back and start walking away from me? even if you don’t want to, you have to. It’s for your own good. Leave me while you can, before I completely drown you into my world of chaos, before I start to clinging to you like I’ve been clutching to you blazer last night so that I can fall asleep . That is how much I’m already addicted to you.
So the best thing you should-no, I mean you MUST do is to walk away from me. And never look back, because if you do, I might only mess you up.
Thank you for everything.
Nakajima read the letter one more time from the beginning to then end and returned it into the paper bag. He took his blazer and brought it closer to his nose. Yamada’s scent was still there, lingering on his blazer.
“I don’t mind to be messed up by you, Yamada Ryosuke”
-end-
Note:
1)The ending..I know it come a little to short (like what Jane said). But I think sometime it a good thing to have such an ending. it's make you thinking what could possible happen next. sorry it just that I got a little bit carry away with the books that I read recently which of course had a 'hanging ending'. Please don't hate me for ending the story like this *puppy eye*
2)I personally like Yamada's character here (even tough I'm the one who wrote it). The darkness and the pain that he had inside him, somehow amuse me. And Yuto as always, someone who full of love and tenderness..
3)Actually this story was inspired from a song. heart a mess by Gotye. You should listen to it, such a great song.
4)Okay enough with me, rambling. I hope you will enjoy this story as much as I do. Please do share with me how you felt about this story.Comment and criticism are most welcome >,<