Operation: Break up Kurt and the Hobbit (or, How Finn and Puck are Terrible Matchmakers) (1/5)

May 06, 2011 19:19

                Even after his return to McKinley, Blaine still spends every Saturday with Kurt at the Hudmel house, remembers his coffee order, and, Kurt’s favorite, asks him to prom by serenading him with a High School Musical song.

Puck, Finn, and Sam, however, do not find Blaine to be as perfect as Kurt likes to believe. And no, it’s not because Puck thinks he’s too short, Finn is an overprotective brother, or Sam has an entirely obvious crush on Kurt.

Although all of these things are contributing factors.

On the weekend before prom, Finn invites Puck and Sam to the Hudmel residence because he has an idea for ‘a really awesome Glee number that will like, be really awesome,’ and because Blaine comes over on Saturdays and Finn has a funny feeling about him.

When Puck arrives it’s only eight in the morning and he knows Finn and Burt will still be sleeping and Carole is out doing the womanly errands she always does Saturday mornings, so he texts Kurt (who he knows wakes up at 7:30 every morning for his skin care routine) to let him in.

Kurt opens the door already dressed in what Puck calls one of his fuck-me-outfits. “The dwarf here or something?”

Kurt shoots Puck a glare. Puck smiles widely.

“Finn won’t be up for at least three hours, Puckerman,” Kurt informs him, ignoring the question altogether.

“Now how do you know I’m not here to see you?”

Kurt huffs and turns away from Puck, walking toward the couch. When he plops down unceremoniously onto the sofa, ruffling his clothes in the process, Puck’s eyes widen. “Dude, you okay?”

“Don’t call me dude,” Kurt lazily corrects, slouching (yes, slouching) into the couch. “However, if you must know, I’m not okay. Blaine called right before you got here to say he can’t visit today.”

“How come?” Puck curiously questions.

“Apparently he forgot he had tickets to some concert today.”

“Why aren’t you invited?” Kurt shrugs, a frown creasing his features. “What a dick.”

*

It’s about six hours later and Kurt, Finn, Puck and Sam are all mentally exhausted. It was about ten minutes into Finn’s explanation of this awesome Glee number (he gets sidetracked really easily) when he thought of something that would make his ‘really awesome idea even more awesome!’

“Let’s get Kurt to help! He uses really big words and stuff, he’ll be really good at this.”

And so Kurt was summoned from his room (where he was sulking) and into the living room to help the three jocks write a ‘manly song’.

With only a verse written on the piece of notebook paper that sits on the table in between them (Finn swears it’s taunting them), the boys decide a break is much needed. Sam flips the paper over and a simultaneous sigh of relief results.

This is when Kurt learns that guys gossip just as much as girls do.

“-and Quinn has gone psycho-crazy about being Prom Queen-“

“Dude! Lauren, too! Well, she also talks shit about Quinn a lot-“

“-and I can tell she’s still upset about the whole ‘Lucy Caboosey’ thing-“

“-but mostly it’s just about being elected. Apparently they’re fighting over-“

“-even though a bunch of fat girls are voting for her now-“

“-all the votes of the fat girls at school-“

“You two are terrible, you know that?” Kurt cuts in. Puck and Finn stop talking immediately and turn to Kurt. “You really shouldn’t be talking badly about your girlfriends.”

“If we can’t talk shit about them then who can we talk shit about?” Kurt glares at Puck’s smirk, then turns his glare to Sam who is failing at hiding his amusement.

“Something funny, Sam?” Sam shakes his head in a serious manner, his eyes downcast and lips forming a straight line. “I thought not.”

And then Sam bursts out laughing.

Finn, for a moment, fears for his new friend’s life. He’s not positive, but he’s pretty sure you’re not supposed to tickle a sleeping dragon or something like that. His eyes meet Puck’s from across the table. Puck’s jaw is dropped, and he can’t seem to decide if he should look at Kurt, Sam, or maybe even the floor.

Kurt laughs.

Finn stares in shock and Puck lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Sam never stopped laughing in the first place.

Finn and Puck are both pretty positive something meaningful just happened. The two best friends look at each other and then back to Kurt and Sam, whose laughter is finally dying down.

Yeah. Something just happened.

They’ll just have to ask Kurt or Sam later exactly what it was.

*

“Oh my gosh we have a verse and a chorus we are so awesome!” Finn blurts loudly when Kurt finishes writing the last line of the chorus. “I think, since we did so awesome today, we should just finish this up next weekend.”

“That sounds like a fantastic idea,” Puck agrees instantly. He got tired of songwriting about two hours before they started.

Kurt and Sam agree as well.

Puck and Finn take this as a sign that they are soulmates.

Just as Finn opens his mouth to announce this obvious love, Kurt says, “Blaine’s concert is over by now. I think I’m going to meet him at the Lima Bean.”

And then he walks through the living room and out the door. Finn is confused, Puck is outraged, and Sam has big lips.

“Dude, what the hell?! How could he ditch us for the hobbit?” Puck breaks the silence followed by Kurt’s surprisingly anticlimactic exit.

“Yeah! And that’s after the hobbit- Blaine ditched him!” Finn adds.

The two boys turn to Sam, waiting for his contribution.

“Um…” Sam pauses. “Darn him.”

Puck eyes him questioningly while Finn just nods strongly. Sam averts Puck’s eyes and after a moment Puck chuckles.

“I don’t like him,” Puck announces, looking at Sam for confirmation to his newly formed theory.

“Hey!” Finn exclaims. “Kurt’s my brother now and-“

“Shut up, Frankenteen. I meant the hobbit, not Kurt. I don’t like the hobbit.”

“Oh, yeah, me neither. I get a bad feeling from him,” Finn says simply. Puck nods and continues to look at Sam.

“Yeah, Kurt could do better,” Sam finally states.

“Dude, Finn, Sam totally wants to fuck Kurt,” Puck says casually, a moment after Sam.

“What?!” The two other boys exclaim. Sam’s face is similar to a tomato or an apple or something else that’s red while Finn looks mildly disgusted.

“Gross man, that’s my brother!”

Sam stutters for about ten seconds and then sighs.

Puck takes this as confirmation and ignores Finn’s sputters.

“Unfortunately for Sam, Kurt’s already dating the hobbit,” Puck says needlessly. Sam calls him Captain Obvious. Finn continues sputtering. “Fortunately, it really isn’t hard to break two people up, especially two people as ill-fitted for each other as Kurt and Blaine.”

“I dunno man, Kurt’s actually been pretty happy ever since he started going out with Blaine. I don’t want him to be all sad if they break up…” Finn, ever the good soul, interjects. Puck knew he was listening through his sputters.

“I have a plan to save us from that, though. I say, tomorrow night, we’ll all meet back here with Kurt. Somehow, with my intense skill of conversation, I’ll make sure we end up talking about the hobbit. We’ll get Kurt to tell us about their relationship and how Blaine treats him and shit. I mean, after he made out with Berry at that party, you know the dude is probably just as douchey at other times.”

“…I don’t understand,” Finn’s eyes are blank as he looks at Puck.

Puck sighs. “We’ll make Kurt realize how big of an ass his boyfriend is and he’ll totally dump him!  You know once he realizes he’s being treated like shit he’ll go all HBIC on the hobbit’s ass.”

“Okay, great, so Kurt’s single, but how will that make him like me?” Sam asks impatiently.

“I don’t know, dude, woo him or some shit. My job is to break Kurt and Blaine up. You’ve gotta do that yourself.”

Sam sighs and Finn shrugs helplessly at him. He still doesn’t completely comprehend what Puck just said, but it sounds pretty good. Finn grins at Puck widely.

“But wait-“ Sam interjects suddenly. “What if Kurt gets to talking about Blaine and he actually is a good guy. I really don’t want to sit around and listen to the guy I like gush about the guy he likes.”

“Two points: One, Blaine is totally a douche but just in case, you don’t have to show up. We’ll report to you later. And two, did you just say ‘gush’?”

Sam sticks his tongue out at him.

“Did you just stick your tongue out at me?” Puck asks incredulously.

“Okay, I’m leaving,” Sam announces, standing and stretching.

“Wait, I haven’t told you the name yet!” Finn and Sam roll their eyes simultaneously, but decide to humor their friend. “This will be Operation: Break Up Kurt and the Hobbit.”

“…Seriously?”

Finn would laugh, but he knows from experience never to make fun of the names Puck comes up with for operations.

Puck nods enthusiastically and Sam just rolls his eyes and walks out the front door.

Puck reaches over to high five his best friend when Finn suddenly says, “Wait, since when is Sam gay?”

Part 2

sam/kurt, multipart wip

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