reasons to NOT sleep with jack sparrow.
CHALLENGE 19 SECOND CHANCE: REASONS TO...
reasons to not sleep with jack sparrow.
yes, there are spoilers for all three films. and yes, there is adult content, i am talking about sex here ppl. also, this is a light-hearted joke at jack sparrow's expense. please do not take it seriously; no offense is intended to any fandom.
Now, this picspam started in a funny place. I don't know how anymore, but some time ago I stumbled across a fairly explicit Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth fanfic involving quite a bit of sex in the dark. I mean, there was a lot of touching feeling and bodily contact, and all I could think as I read, unable to turn myself away, was ... wait, are we talking about this guy?
he's just as shocked as i am.
The description was unerring in detail; from the weight of his dreadlocks, the coarseness of his nails, etc. and seriously, it was like watching a train wreck, I couldn't turn away from the grotesque. Could you imagine actually having sex with Jack Sparrow? Not Johnny Depp, the actor, but Jack Sparrow, the character. The pirate. Now, I'm not talking about his personality, or the moral ineptitude of his character, or his mind-jarring syntax. I get it that some people dig the bad boys, the questionably sane, the "rebel", sure, but I couldn't imagine a more disgusting man to have sex with than Jack Sparrow. And when this challenge came up, I decided, hey. Let's give the folks reasons not to have sex with Jack Sparrow.
my thoughts exactly, elizabeth.
So! To kick it off, I figured we might go down the list, via the five senses. Touch : Let met start you off with a nice visual. You and your main man are kissing, it's getting serious and as he bends down to lay his sun-parched raspy lips to the soft enclave of your neck, you feel a tickle. And I dont mean "oo a tickle" but like a "wtf is that a fucking spider on my fucking neck WTF WTF" tickle. nope, not a spider. Jack Sparrow's CHIN BRAIDS. Ughhh.
by the hairs of my chinny chin chin. gross.
Of course this is assuming you can get past the initial first kiss. Which, is a pretty formidable feat, considering that 80% of the time, as a pirate, Jack is required to be stone cold drunk. His quest for rum is infamous, and I can imagine that he smells like he took a bath in the stuff, which he may very well have.
caribbean life, indeed. where's the cruise to the betty ford clinic?
Now that you've become accustomed to the wafting aura of booziness that surrounds Jack, ignoring your gag reflex enough to stand within ten feet of the slovenly pirate, you get to kiss him. Yay! Yay? Yay?? Yes, I do so love the taste of gold. Considering the fact that a majority of his teeth are missing, as evidenced by his plethora of "bling" on his "grill", I am certain that this gentleman flosses twice a day and brushes after ever meal. Surely. His breath must be a delight to behold, given the general state of dental disrepair.
yes, jack, even you are surprised by your remaining teeth.
i like to imagine in that bottom picture he's just been told he's got scurvy.
While we're on the subject of health, let's discuss something that bothered me and continues to bother me since the first film.
do you see it? it's staring back at you.
In all three films, Jack Sparrow has had an open sore on his jaw. See it? On the left? Now, I googled it, and this isn't something that has to do with Johnny Depp, who does not have a perpetual seeping gash on his cheek. So, the make up artists of the films made the conscious decision that Jack Sparrow a) has a terrible immune system and b) is the kind of guy who just has sores all over his body and doesn't care. The possibility of finding sores elsewhere is probably 120% (sores on top of sores get double scores). Especially considering the company he keeps.
these, folks, are hookers.
Okay, now that we've covered touch, smell, and taste, let's try sound. Again, ignoring his unique dialect and delivery. As I'm sure you enjoy the imagery of Jack Sparrow going at it, here is another visual for you to contemplate. You and the pirate have gotten past the chin braids debacle, clothes have been disposed of (with a backdraft of rum in the air), and he's above you, thrusting as if you were his last port in the storm, if you know what i mean, wink wink nudge nudge say no more. You're somehow really into it, but you keep getting distracted by something ... really, what is that sound? It sounds like ... marbles? No, I'm sorry, friend. Let me correct you: It's the fucking beads in his hair, swaying and clacking with every lusty thrust.
i like to call them hair clackers.
see all that motion? you're just as likely to get wacked in the face with that as you are his chin braids. and wtf is that, is that a bone in his hair???
barbossa wanted his favorite necklace back, damnit.
Ah, yes. Jack Sparrow's hair. The luxurious locks you just long to run your hands through. Marbles and all. But seriously, I cannot stand his hair. If you thought the chin braids sent my skin crawling, you haven't imagined the disgusting mess that is Jack Sparrow's Famous Mane.
jack and i both are worried about the size of the tarantula on his shoulder. jungle spiders get fucking huge.
jack sparrow and the hunt for a new stylist.
Okay. Here's the part that might upset you. I will openly admit that I do not like dreadlocks on most anyone. I know they have some special meaning behind them, but I just do not like them. Most of the people I've met who do wear dreadlocks weren't interested in a deeper meaning; they were just too fucking lazy to wash their hair.
I get the feeling that Jack Sparrow is the same way. His hair straight out disgusts me. Wig or no wig, I don't care. The whole dreadlocks and undreaded hair and constantly being under a do-rag that only gets washed when he's been thrown overboard or when it rains? I can't stand it. I'm just utterly repulsed. Hygiene isn't so much to ask, but Jack Sparrow doesn't seem to care for it. He doesn't really scream neat freak. I don't see him fastiduously clipping his finger nails and wearing deoderant or using water for something other than mixing drinks. Soap? What's that?
that is a toe nail and it is not his.
i just love how the grease paint slowly makes its way down his face. it's like a sad sad clown, amirite? pagliacci, look out.
kids, learn hygiene from this man and terrify your mothers.
Lastly, dear readers, I'm afraid I must give you the last sense. Sight. By now you're used to the scrape of his chin braids and the gentle rhythm of the hair clackers. You've even gotten past the whole "this man has never bathed before" thing, and the fact that the toothbrush won't be invented for another century at the least. Wildly giving yourself to sexual abandon, the passion reaches its heights and as you look up to catch your lover's eye at the last moment, you get treated to Jack Sparrow's O Face.
......
mte.
reasons to not sleep with jack sparrow.
yes, there are spoilers for all three films. and yes, there is adult content, i am talking about sex here ppl. also, this is a light-hearted joke at jack sparrow's expense. please do not take it seriously; no offense is intended to any fandom.
Now, this picspam started in a funny place. I don't know how anymore, but some time ago I stumbled across a fairly explicit Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth fanfic involving quite a bit of sex in the dark. I mean, there was a lot of touching feeling and bodily contact, and all I could think as I read, unable to turn myself away, was ... wait, are we talking about this guy?
he's just as shocked as i am.
The description was unerring in detail; from the weight of his dreadlocks, the coarseness of his nails, etc. and seriously, it was like watching a train wreck, I couldn't turn away from the grotesque. Could you imagine actually having sex with Jack Sparrow? Not Johnny Depp, the actor, but Jack Sparrow, the character. The pirate. Now, I'm not talking about his personality, or the moral ineptitude of his character, or his mind-jarring syntax. I get it that some people dig the bad boys, the questionably sane, the "rebel", sure, but I couldn't imagine a more disgusting man to have sex with than Jack Sparrow. And when this challenge came up, I decided, hey. Let's give the folks reasons not to have sex with Jack Sparrow.
my thoughts exactly, elizabeth.
So! To kick it off, I figured we might go down the list, via the five senses. Touch : Let met start you off with a nice visual. You and your main man are kissing, it's getting serious and as he bends down to lay his sun-parched raspy lips to the soft enclave of your neck, you feel a tickle. And I dont mean "oo a tickle" but like a "wtf is that a fucking spider on my fucking neck WTF WTF" tickle. nope, not a spider. Jack Sparrow's CHIN BRAIDS. Ughhh.
by the hairs of my chinny chin chin. gross.
Of course this is assuming you can get past the initial first kiss. Which, is a pretty formidable feat, considering that 80% of the time, as a pirate, Jack is required to be stone cold drunk. His quest for rum is infamous, and I can imagine that he smells like he took a bath in the stuff, which he may very well have.
caribbean life, indeed. where's the cruise to the betty ford clinic?
Now that you've become accustomed to the wafting aura of booziness that surrounds Jack, ignoring your gag reflex enough to stand within ten feet of the slovenly pirate, you get to kiss him. Yay! Yay? Yay?? Yes, I do so love the taste of gold. Considering the fact that a majority of his teeth are missing, as evidenced by his plethora of "bling" on his "grill", I am certain that this gentleman flosses twice a day and brushes after ever meal. Surely. His breath must be a delight to behold, given the general state of dental disrepair.
yes, jack, even you are surprised by your remaining teeth.
i like to imagine in that bottom picture he's just been told he's got scurvy.
While we're on the subject of health, let's discuss something that bothered me and continues to bother me since the first film.
do you see it? it's staring back at you.
In all three films, Jack Sparrow has had an open sore on his jaw. See it? On the left? Now, I googled it, and this isn't something that has to do with Johnny Depp, who does not have a perpetual seeping gash on his cheek. So, the make up artists of the films made the conscious decision that Jack Sparrow a) has a terrible immune system and b) is the kind of guy who just has sores all over his body and doesn't care. The possibility of finding sores elsewhere is probably 120% (sores on top of sores get double scores). Especially considering the company he keeps.
these, folks, are hookers.
Okay, now that we've covered touch, smell, and taste, let's try sound. Again, ignoring his unique dialect and delivery. As I'm sure you enjoy the imagery of Jack Sparrow going at it, here is another visual for you to contemplate. You and the pirate have gotten past the chin braids debacle, clothes have been disposed of (with a backdraft of rum in the air), and he's above you, thrusting as if you were his last port in the storm, if you know what i mean, wink wink nudge nudge say no more. You're somehow really into it, but you keep getting distracted by something ... really, what is that sound? It sounds like ... marbles? No, I'm sorry, friend. Let me correct you: It's the fucking beads in his hair, swaying and clacking with every lusty thrust.
i like to call them hair clackers.
see all that motion? you're just as likely to get wacked in the face with that as you are his chin braids. and wtf is that, is that a bone in his hair???
barbossa wanted his favorite necklace back, damnit.
Ah, yes. Jack Sparrow's hair. The luxurious locks you just long to run your hands through. Marbles and all. But seriously, I cannot stand his hair. If you thought the chin braids sent my skin crawling, you haven't imagined the disgusting mess that is Jack Sparrow's Famous Mane.
jack and i both are worried about the size of the tarantula on his shoulder. jungle spiders get fucking huge.
jack sparrow and the hunt for a new stylist.
Okay. Here's the part that might upset you. I will openly admit that I do not like dreadlocks on most anyone. I know they have some special meaning behind them, but I just do not like them. Most of the people I've met who do wear dreadlocks weren't interested in a deeper meaning; they were just too fucking lazy to wash their hair.
I get the feeling that Jack Sparrow is the same way. His hair straight out disgusts me. Wig or no wig, I don't care. The whole dreadlocks and undreaded hair and constantly being under a do-rag that only gets washed when he's been thrown overboard or when it rains? I can't stand it. I'm just utterly repulsed. Hygiene isn't so much to ask, but Jack Sparrow doesn't seem to care for it. He doesn't really scream neat freak. I don't see him fastiduously clipping his finger nails and wearing deoderant or using water for something other than mixing drinks. Soap? What's that?
that is a toe nail and it is not his.
i just love how the grease paint slowly makes its way down his face. it's like a sad sad clown, amirite? pagliacci, look out.
kids, learn hygiene from this man and terrify your mothers.
Lastly, dear readers, I'm afraid I must give you the last sense. Sight. By now you're used to the scrape of his chin braids and the gentle rhythm of the hair clackers. You've even gotten past the whole "this man has never bathed before" thing, and the fact that the toothbrush won't be invented for another century at the least. Wildly giving yourself to sexual abandon, the passion reaches its heights and as you look up to catch your lover's eye at the last moment, you get treated to Jack Sparrow's O Face.
......
mte.